Narrow Mindbenders

*bubu and juju to reflect my sentiments* 

The Lady was more interested in proving herself right than in getting the best outcome so the conversation started innocently as usual with a question if I had used the blue wash she bought for the white shirts while I was doing laundry. I already knew where this was going and not going to be pretty so I said yes, but we use it while handwashing and not with the machine. 

The thing is, she doesn't ask questions. She just wants to show me where I am wrong without understanding where I am coming from so regardless of my answers, I already knew that she will be angry if I get her to explain something. 

My mistake was to add that kama washes his own shirts *oops!* and her retort was why marry if he has to do his own laundry. Of course, silly me said he likes washing his own laundry and that mode of thinking was so outdated. Women and men do their own laundry and more so now, husbands and wives just share the load without assigning specifics. I could see she was getting more agitated because she said she doesn't believe in all that and will speak to kama about it. Obviously, I have said more than I should so I just brushed her off (I was cool about this) and made my exit. 

I couldn't help but wonder where the hell that comes from and why. This is to avoid being narrow-minded about narrow-minded people *hahaha* Between me and Kama we considered some possible reasons for her behaviour and came up with a list to include : 

1. Life circumstances - she is lonely and needs an outlet to vent and rant. 
2. Past negative experiences - divorce and prolonged separation I guess
3. Mental illness - onset dementia due to age 
4. Low self-esteem - or her narcissism 
5. Other things - jealously towards us? or the fact that she ever told me to know my place. for the life of me, I still can't figure out what she meant by that. 

In the end, this is a recurring theme with The Lady and if we consider returning back here for good to be an option then I guess we will have to keep being assertive, respectful of her age and not escalate the situation. A huge note to self is to be reminded that sometimes it's just better to disengage and take a break on occasion. or in this case all the time :p 

The Self Revisited

 

2 years into COVID and after today's catch up with Dre and Susu, I just realised that I still have The Self on the back burner. Dre was talking about moving over to substack when I told her about my plans to do a food blog so I finally sat down to make a choice for The Self Center. Last I was thinking about deleting it forever because it might bog me down in the future. It's a part of me that I want to bury or rather I am ashamed of my long rambles. Then I stumbled upon old entries about the terrors and I sent them to terror 1 who convinced me to keep the blog. 

She found my entries cute! I will definitely try to tinker some more and archive these entries and panicked a bit when I tried to log in and blogger asked me to create another blog! Whispered a prayer and TADAH it is all safe :D 

I have been blogging since 2005 and missed three whole years of NOT writing. I think safe to say that I could have moved to pen and paper in those missing years or just updated random thoughts on the Journey app. Welp!! Now I am back with proper capitalisation for my sentences but will still use the least amount of diacriticals where possible. 

Dre made me realise that I miss writing for myself so I am BACKKKKKKKKKKKK. In the pandemic era *nuff said* if for nothing else then I want to keep it alive longer for the terrors. The substack I will use for a small project to do with Dre and concentrate on food. Just for shits and giggles, also to fulfil my initial goal of writing that recipe book that I wanted to do here in KL. Everything evolves...I have evolved! Or at least I believe I have :p 

Now off  pour faire mes devoirs pour le cours de français~ 

ZEITGEIST RAYA, SG edition v.01

Thank you for small blessings and all the understanding. May this Raya bring laughter, joy and reflections of how small achievements can lead to scaling great heights. I wish for the same to all my friends and frenemies hehehe. And most of all, peace and love people!

Maaf Zahir dan Batin,

j@e

ps: dear mama, you should be proud of me because I am such an exemplary daughter in law *not* but i promise you mama, i will never be what they wish of me because you taught me well and you taught me best. sifat kewanitaan itu tidak terletak pada ukuran mata dan nilai seorang isteri bukan pada dasar yang sedia ada. bunga liar hanya kembang didalam hutan kerana indahnya untuk tatapan yang berani mencari.

Cut away the ties that bind us

This is from my made to order journal for the start of the year and keywords to stick by for the rest of the year till say 2019 are:-

. Consolation
. growth and healing
. thanksgiving
. proposed solutions to dilemmas
. obstacle
. pride, selfishness and vanity
. root chakra

SO yeaps..happy birthday to me and may all my intentions for health, abundance and love stay on track and on FIRE.

stay sane,

j@e

proof yet again me dumbo..

Warning :- Loads of Self depreciating humour because Trump did win! And someone did win his bet haha. Upon reflection if I was American then I am a dumbo too for not voting with my vagina. It just shows that when one is not informed of the facts (political and social policies) and its serious repercussions on society as whole then this is what you get. A reality tv has been for President. Well I admire his guts anyway for actually running for President but with that said it is time for me once again to get on sharpening my brains. Why the hell did I even think I would even vote for him!? Even if hypothetically voting!

Since then I caught up with the nephew in California and at least he was optimistic about the changing times in US. I can't say much then since I absolutely know nothing about US politics anyway besides what I have read on facebook and elsewhere. I find myself reading about the news more so on facebook than anywhere else. No BBC no CNN no other verified sources of news and it scares me. Recently facebook told me that I liked about 8,775 items I perused in 2016 ALONE. That scares me too. These were not even proper comments but simply likes or at least now you can choose from an array of emoticons.

I kid myself when I say I am actually topping up my knowledge base when I am simply dumb-ing down my experience by not participating in any conversation at all. No one is allowed to post anything on my page either since that little tiff I had with Kama. I have grown inwards since forever I feel and that is not healthy. Even my reading at leisure has stopped drastically since we got married. Of late I find myself more glued to the tablet for the games.

Bath time has even changed to watching killer documentaries instead of reading but to my defense, I have consciously been trying to amend that; refusing to alter my sense of me time and zen in the bathtub. Looking back 2016 has consisted of too many fluid changes although non abrupt. Routines have a sense of consistency but none that adds to the foundations of my idea of self. Yes I have had more time to connect with people who matter but not many would have been my first choice. Overall it all feels imposed and hollow. The feel of genuine meeting of minds and an intuitive connection of camaraderie has been tense.

Terror one has become my shadow for almost everything and Kama won't even trust me to cross the road hehe. Whatever is left of 2016 now is more leaning to please end already and spare me this restlessness. The good thing is we are finally starting on the archiving project at least. A simple offer of conciliation maybe to prove myself to be more than I am. More to put on the plate in addition to minding the house et all and prove that me, myself and I could not just be simply - a homemaker or housewife.

I still like 'professional bummer' or to update this tag I shall amend it to 'pro idler'. I think it sounds more polished for polite company or rather the intellectual set. I don't think I can bear hearing Kama trying his damndest to introduce me as his research assistant while in fact I research nothing but recipes and also home crafts. I sometimes try to imagine myself to be as fierce as Martha Stewart just to keep up the positive vibes but it hurts to keep up with false pretenses. Maybe because I couldn't care less about plating every dinner and I truly can't go beyond decorating past clean and comfy. Okay so I am anal about organizing our home but yes, these past few months I have to agree that stay at home moms and wifeys never deserve truly any credit in general.

At least the main reasons to stay at home now has since abated. Terror one has gone over her major exam and we are hoping that she gets to her school of choice. Kama has gotten his promotion and can only go higher from here. Well he can choose to slow down a bit if so he chooses but I guess this now will not be an option because suddenly the idea of family and the responsibilities to provide will be his only aim to murder next year and all the years ahead.

Well now it is just left with me. What will this self set to do in 2017?

Stay sane,

j@e

ps: terror one just peeked over my shoulder and exclaimed horror when she found out that I have a blog *rollseyes*

alarm!

Post US elections and really thinking hard about my own choice 'if' I was an american and sadly - I would actually vote for trump because I won't want to vote with my vagina. 

Besides the sad rhetoric thrown into the campaign etcetera, I imagined that if I had to switch that election into the local context then there is no two way about it - all elections (political) will play on the heartstrings. 

Oh how it sings! 

Now...onward to the next horrible thing to happen in 2016! 

Ragged, 

J@e

ps: next presidential election in singapore 'reserved' for malay only. 

Binge on hope.

Dear Mama,

I have been told by you-know-who to 'know my place'. It was not literal but she kept reminding me to do this and do that. To act like this and then to act like that. You know I don't like to be explicitly told right Ma so this is a problem. The major problem being she is who she is and I DO know my place in relation to her.

So Ma...please help me remain strong and remind me to curb my temper and not retaliate in defense of my ego. I believe you will tell me to keep myself in place and in check whilst I MUST throw out my ego (temporarily) to keep the status quo. The toughest part will have to be following your footsteps Ma! Your patience knew no bounds and you always had hope.

Me?

I will never be like you Ma but I can only try. You knew your place and you always kept it above everyone else and that is exactly what I will try to emulate. I'll try to keep the conversations light and happy and center it around food :p

I miss you so much Mama.