More chasing..

“If you continue to pursue that which is outside of yourself, the pursuit will always seem to be elusive….” – Sojourns Of the Soul, Kim Koenig 1989

In the spirit of things and not wanting to sound like a wet blanket, when you attempt to understand something of which you know nothing, you open up your brain-mind structure to allow reception of information from your friends. So don’t suddenly clam up and tell me I don’t get what you mean or want to do. That I have suddenly read it all wrong and went goo goo gaga over some misconstrued words. I can take it as an insult to my intelligence and of course as your friend be highly annoyed to be lead to believe that suddenly I don’t understand you at all.

You of all people should know how far and strong our consciousness’ can travel but if you now wish to limit that too; confined merely within a circle then I am so wrong to be included in the conversation. Certain subjects are just meant to fly, that’s where you can find the answers that might have eluded you. Which is why I guess it’s never a good idea to mix business with pleasure and I will also include leisure. And which is why I never liked to put a lid on anything under the sun when all it needs to grow is respect and space for it to expand. Whether it chooses to go down under or up way to the sky will be the your will that shapes its course.

Where did your spirit go? Untie the ties that bind and let it feel and grope the darkness that envelop you. Do not be afraid that it might be too convoluted. Do not stop to explain yourself. Wasn’t that your advice for me? But I understand the ramifications of NOT being understood. The desire and of WANTING to be understood explicitly and simply is the current trend. GO ZEN! *bleargh!!!!*

No fun lar…I rather go speak to a parrot. Who can MIME on REPEAT mode *hmmpf* and dance the Macarena when prompted >) or I can sigh away and pretend that I am really stupid for not feeling what you are feeling and thinking what you are thinking. Were you expecting a NO COMMENTS form me? Or maybe you prefer for me to lead you on aimlessly with random cut and paste links to nowhere near my own thoughts are, so that you ‘think’ I am on the same boat, riding the same wave as you are? It doesn’t take a genius to know that you depend on others for yourself to grow. Honesty is like acute diarrhea isn’t it? Stopitsiak! Since when did I become that plug up your ass? Let it goooooooooooooooo~~~~ the runs needs to expel the bad that is in you. Bad turn to good is not impossibility. Impossible is when you limit yourself. It is when you put up signs to say ‘STOP’ in the name of love or some other entity. You don’t have to thank me now. I know you’d do me the same favor if I was having the runs. I doubt you’d plug yourself up my ass just because you are scared that I’d shit in my pants. I know you’d probably lead me to a good doctor somewhere and have me see that too much raw seafood is bad bad bad. And see to that I’d never visit the same stall again!

For now, I await your honest to goodness thoughts on what is so so close to you heart for when you can trust yourself to be OPENLY conscious with me. I never minded when there was or wasn’t any others, why should you now?

Till then…..

Stay sane,

jahatamyemeelea

La La Love...

Inability..

I had wanted to write about Bali. The sun the sea the sand the friends the food and the ALL but in the end Bali and all its impressions will live only in our memories. The pictures say it all and from the feedback I have heard; interpretations of Bali have gone around. I got bitch slapped for divulging my perspective to another and it smarts! She had a major case point; trust was the MAIN issue here. Can we trust the people we divulge our innermost feelings to? Never mind the instrument we use to relay our messages or our intentions why. One must learn to practice discernment effectively. And because of their fears….and my sudden reluctance to have my perspective known, Bali will not be written.

Rocket Rhinestone was a success! Powwster’s fotos were a hit and Le mew’s sockos made their appearance. I did what I could have and most of all the terrors had their day. Terror 1 when told of my participation actually thought I had done up a painting or some craft or sorts till I told her that my contribution was merely in words. She picked up the cue to begin writing herself and as a sampler came up with :-

“Cats creep and cats leap
Until they scored a mouse to eat
And then they like to lie and sleep”

– Terror 1, 29th Feb 2008

I almost didn’t pick them up for the event because I had doubts that the kids would enjoy themselves but in the end, it was all that we could talk about that night till 1am. Terror 1 was more inspired in her art and gained more confidence being around adults. She gained the most points that night for behaving and for show of maturity. Terror 2 displayed his cheeky side and had a rough time adjusting to the noise. He isn’t much of a ‘band fan’ since he was a baby anyway but what a field day he had with the nachos and cheese! Terror 3 took a little bit if time to warm up and initially wanted to go home but auntie poww came to save the day with gumballs! *hehehehe* All in all, I am glad everything turned out to be great. Another experiment with no expectations and I am vary satisfied with its outcome. I made many new friends and got to spend quality time with those who matter and those were my main focus. Bobby and shikino turned up to support! What more could I have asked for : )

Till then…

Stay sane,
Jahatamyemeelea

2008!

The beginning of the end or end of a beginning.

‘The minute people are unjust to you they have already lost the fight. The moment they attack you they have lost the war. The moment they try to hurt you, to humiliate you, to bully you, to disgrace you, to destroy you, to invalidate you, that moment they have lost the truth. They have lost all protection. That moment they surrender all their power and authority to you, and they do not know it yet. Their end is certain. Their defeat becomes inevitable. The rest is time’s doing. So carry on your business, be serene, follow your conscience, and have no fear. The laws that operate in the world are invisible laws, and they are greater than the force and powers of men and women. On these laws you can depend. Some kill a little thing, and invite a mighty storm on their heads that wipes them out. Take pity on those who try to destroy you, and try to forgive them because what they call upon themselves is too terrible to withstand. It is better to endure their stupidity sometimes than to be part of that greater force which will wipe out whole people, yourself, maybe, included. And sometimes it is better to fight, for their own good, to stop a greater and more implacable army of the invisible from doing your fighting for you. And so, for now, go about your business, and let’s see what time brings, may daughter.’

~Ben Okri, Starbook

in a few hours time a new year will begin and unfold. I can sense the anticipation, the rush of excitement and the buzz of euphoria. Yet who knows what will unfold in 2008 ;)
The above paragraph I thought expressed my year for 2007. I am still homeless. Yet to graduate and failed my plans there too. I am still a single mum without her kids and struggling to be a mom. I hoped I had been a good friend but I know in some cases I have not been at all. Work has been my hardest hurdle for 2007 with its many multi faceted challenges, mostly coming from myself. Love is still a powerful enigma and will ever work its will on my soul. Personally I wish it could all have been better but even if I had a chance to relive 2007 again, I wouldn’t know if better would be best.

I have been blessed and will always feel blessed. All that has happened will happen perhaps again and again till I learn. Only I can try to forgive more even myself and be better prepared. The strongest bonds are forged in the hottest and harshest fire and sometimes detachments to none eternal must be endured to climb further up higher and higher. Fear we must overcome with determination and strength from within, no matter who, what, why, when and how it shows its face. For as long as our conscience is clear, we’d understand that those who do not fight and yet claim glory in their cowardly is of a use too.

Aren’t we all the weirdos attracted to the weirdo magnet *batokbatok* love all love small *lol* to all a happy new year and a happy birthday to terror 1 and myself!!!!!!!! and of course to my dearest queen of pentacles, to you especially….in light of what has just passed and will pass. May 2008 be your beginning to an end, as well as a beginning to never end.

I heart all of you and our warmest regards with hopes of many well wishes for 2008

Stay sane,

Jahatamyemeelea & the 3 Terrors

just don't...

"What doesn't transmit light creates its own darkness - Marcus Aurelius"

A simple phone call..

I heard her puffing away on over the crackling line and we chatted over the trivialities. The sky was overcast and we agreed that in this melancholic weather there was nothing better but a hot cup of killer java and curling clove smoke from our cigarettes to churn out the best that we could ever on the problems of the mind and soul over Microsoft words in APA format. I laughed and she giggled contentedly. Testing our dialectical prowess with the topic, 'sex and creativity' we came to a conclusion that sex is best as a reward but does zilch to aid creativity. The only creativity before, during and after sex is in the imaginary realm. To be more specific; the only creativity will be of the very selfish kind. We laughed some more to that and toasted our conclusions with a verbal hi-five!!!

The seconds were ticking away. Our short break was ending soon and the shot of inhaled caffeine was kicking in. with another exhale she confided in me. Her voice was steady but the cracks were slowly creeping in. I had to focus and listen intently on what she wanted to say because she was slowly fading away through the mumble grumbles. She was on the verge of making a decision and was losing her hold on relativity. She wanted closure and tried on her own to search for her own closure but her short bouts of introspection was only blurring the lines of subjectivity and objectivity. Not to mention her decided on end goal was starting feel as if it could drift far far away. I called her bluff and encouraged her to call in her inner strength and prodded her for the dilemma. Her breathing became slow and I heard another crick from her lighter. I followed suit and went to my room to be the crutch she's expecting me to be.

Silence was mandatory. Melati apologized and excused herself to get a drink of water. She came back to the phone and sighed nonchalantly.

She then started and told me in a pitch so off tuned, which signaled her wavering self belief that she didn't know if by choosing herself over spending time with her dying mum was such a good idea. I asked if this was a choice between the noumenal (things in themselves) and the phenomenal world (conscious experience)? She said maybe it was because her will to survive her decision to finish this diploma was interfering with her daily commitments. Especially those with her estranged mother, who is living away from her. Making this even worse was the fact that her mom was slowly fading, suffering in quiet patience with a husband who didn't care anymore. Her cancer was making itself more pronounced and she has been erratic with her moods. Although her mother fully understands and supports her daughter's determination to secure a future through education by always smiling and being serene whenever melati was around. Melati knew her mother deep down felt abandoned. She had made this known to melati before but she accepted that this was just the way it has to be for this while. Melati needed to do what needed to be done now alternating school and work in order to be financially independent so that she can take care of her mum in the near future. She needed to secure her identity and her future to enable her to rescue her mom from bleak existence. Both lived in desperation, hungry for security and this ate into their love. No matter how empathetic and compassionate their discourses and play to be, there was always dissension.

And today it happened again. She told me she could feel her heart bleeding painfully. I sucked harder on my fag, bracing myself for her surefire tears.

Melati was to see her mum tomorrow for a weekend out. She had already decided earlier on that she'd have to probably get her sister to stand in for her this week. She’d be there but due to pressing datelines and the stress of exams, melati would not be able to stay nights. Her own place was a mess and she wasn't in the right mind to be able to concentrate on mother. Mom has needs and after a short discussion, her ever affable sister offered to stand in for melati. She even offered to pick mom up so that melati didn't have to rush to and fro from home and even offered her place so that melati didn't have to clean up. Reluctantly melati agreed because it has been weeks and she did miss mom. With all her up and downs, her offbeat eccentricity and her knack for cloying extremes, melati figured she'd be able to fleet through another draining weekend without dropping dead on Monday. All because she firmly believed, quality was better than quantity so she mustered the energy to call her step dad to arrange to pick mom up tomorrow. Her mom answered the phone and she surprised melati by telling her that she has plans this weekend so they'd have to postpone their weekend date together to next week. Surprised but slightly relieved too, Melati told her mom that she too had exams and wanted to postpone but had already made arrangements with Ida (her sister) so as not to interrupt their weekend together. Hadn’t they promised that no matter how busy, they would always try to meet regularly? In the background she heard her step dad's chatter but suddenly with a distant shout her mother suddenly hung up. Melati was relieved at the sudden turn of events but she was suspiciously worried too after that short phone call. Melati doesn't have any respect for her step dad. Not one iota, she just tolerated his existence all this while because after all, he is her mom's lawful husband. She knew that he was just making use of mom as a slave and mere substitute of a wife at home. Her step dad was getting a married to a second wife but since mom approved, melati could only seethe in a distance. She didn't want to interfere because they all had to live their own lives. She cooled her own temper with her dreams of taking care of her mom as soon as she could buy her own place and give her mom the refuge that she longs for. So with those trailing thoughts she made another call and her step dad answered. Gruffly without any apologies he told melati to pick her mom up tomorrow and that her mom could stay with her till Wednesday. She said it was impossible because she'd be working on Monday but said she'd try to accommodate because melati was just too tired to argue with this obstinate man. Another call to her sister confirmed that it would be all right for mom to stay till Wednesday so she called again to confirm. This time her mom was whining painfully, begging to be taken away from this hateful man. Apparently, the old ogre was going off on a tour with his friends. Her mom wasn't included because she had her doctor appointments to meet next week. So the hateful man was just going to leave her with Melati to take care of her needs while he goes happily gallivanting away. Her mom thought she was to follow which was why she cancelled earlier but then later to her dissapointment, to be told oterwise. She wasn't coming with him. Melati tried to calm her down and said it will be all okay soon so asked to speak to the ogre and see if they could come to a compromise. She tried to use this opportunity as leverage and bargain to see mom for later dates. Apparently, it has been difficult for her mom to get away because who would then be there to cook and clean and care for the ogre if she's away. But the arrogant hateful old man was as always, non-committal. They ended the conversation with her resigned and he triumphant as always.

By now her voice was pitching higher and higher. Her nostrils flaring fire for all I know and tears strained her sentences making it harder to me to follow her train of thoughts. I wanted to stay rational but it was difficult not to get emotional. Hearing her seesawing in between alternate states threw me off kilter from my own center. She was on one hand angry that her step dad was always taking advantage of her need to see her mom. She was always giving in and she could never plan for proper dates and things to do because of instances like these. She always tried hard and sacrificed her own time and feelings to be able to build on the shreds of relationship she had with her mom. She never minded till now where she felt that she didn't want to be made use of anymore. She had to stop and swallow her tears I imagined and I didn't stop her. I only told her to keep going on because I felt she needed to let it all out. I could feel her frustrations on tethers and she was broken raw. She told me she had all the mind to tell the old man to fuck off and he take care of mom this weekend. She believed she all the right to refuse and take this time to fully concentrate and finish what she had to do so that she can fully make up with a smashing outing with her mom next week. She was almost screaming now and she at times she wasn't breathing. I think she was controlling her anger but instead she swallowed in gulps of air to control herself because she didn't want to turn me deaf. She let out a few expletives directed at her step dad and then her voice dipped to a mere whisper and it slinked together into her spiraling depression.

I understood her dilemma now and reminded her that intelligent beings suffer the most. I reminded her that in Schopenhauer's view, suffering varies with awareness. Plants suffer no pain because they lack awareness. The lowest species of animals and insects suffer some, and the higher animals suffer still more. Humans, of course suffer the most, especially the most intelligent humans. "In much wisdom is much grief; and he that increath knowledge increath sorrow - Book of Ecclesiastes or commonly known as the Bible" Then added that therefore, in proportion as knowledge attains distinctness, consciousness is enhanced, pain also increases, and consequently reaches to its highest degree in man; and all the more, the more distinctly he knows, and the more intelligent he is. The person in whom genius is to be found suffers most of all. - Schopenhauer 1818/1966 Vol. 1, p. 310) I needed myself to get on that higher plane so that I could save her from her despair. It was clearly important to her to spend time with her mom and it was equally if not more pressing for her to graduate with flying colors to end of all their beginnings. I understood too how these mere momentary feelings of being useless no matter how painful would disappear. Her pessimism was tearing her apart and that was normal. Fulfillment eludes all of us because all willing (our decisions) springs from deficiency, and thus from suffering. Fulfillment brings this to an end; yet for one wish that is fulfilled there remain at least ten that are denied. None attained object of willing can give a satisfaction that lasts and no longer declines. We are like beggars having alms thrown at us, which reprieves us today so that our misery might be prolonged tomorrow. I was still calm but she was not getting near where I was. It was getting darker outside and the rumble in the sky gave clue to the stormy skies ahead.

She argued that either way she feels guilty. She picks up her mom and feels guilty for not being there in full. She has to impose on her sister to do most of the work when it is her turn and responsibility to take care of her. She called herself the worst ever daughter because she could be worrying about how she couldn't meet her datelines and feeling tired was utmost on her head when her mom was to be her first priority. But then she knows that by giving in to the ogre this time and all the times before she has placed herself in the most vulnerable position she have imagined. The ogre has already made it known that she was to see her mom only as and when he agrees or at his whim and fancy. She feels mad that her mom was being treated like an object and even more so that she was supporting his ideas by even trying to bargain for what was her full rights. A daughter. It doesn't matter that they are living the life of any broken family, this was getting on her very nerves and she fear that she might blow up or breakdown. How to if her mom was in the precarious balance? I had to stop her by telling how much she is starting to sound like our case studies in class but she did stop to listen.

I wanted to slam down on her. I couldn't take the whining and wanted to shout at her to shock her out of distress. And if I was standing right in front of her slap her hard. I was glaring down on the mouthpiece and the corner of my mouth felt tight because I felt what she felt and it was unbearable listening to her sobbing like a small girl when I know she was made up of much much more than this. I wanted to tell her to do what she feels is right. Tell the old fucker to eat his own crap and die. He can lock her up at home if he wants. Let all his plans go to hell because wasn't he his first and foremost caregiver? He was the type that was never grateful and will not be in anytime in the future. Melati never went against him believing that this was all temporary and he is her step dad. She still respects him for the little things he had done for her mom. But stoic calm wasn't going to bring justice to neither melati nor her mom. This wasn't time to be patient anymore when instead what he needed was a good kick in his butt. I had a good mind to ask melati to convince her mom of divorcing him. Throw him out the house if he dares to go on without her or stop either of them from seeing each other. If it were I, I wouldn't have let this incident down.

But I knew that in the hardest of times, the most turbulent of storms; in the eye of it all was still perfect calm. I asked her what she wanted to do. She told me that it was too late to do anything because she has already agreed to pick her up tomorrow. Mom will stay with her sister till Wednesday and she'll commute to and fro from her rented apartment to spend bits of time with her mom. She’d probably lug her laptop to her sister's place and worry later about having her nephews tampering with her borrowed laptop. Instead of all the above that I wanted to say and do, I held back and told her that if she wanted to cancel tomorrow she could just do it with a simple call. She could just say she was busy and even offer the truth. She already has plans to bring her mom for a shopping spree next week after payday so a weekend will not be the end of the world. She should not beat herself up like this because of one refusal. Her mom would understand and if she did so, she would even be doing her mom a favor by showing her what a bastard husband he has. He’d probably give her a hard time sulking and throwing tantrums because melati has foiled his plans for once or maybe he could even just leave her lonely. If either of that happens and it probably will, then she'd be the one that the mom calls. Plan A was still in place, but even better in the future the fucking bastard will think twice about crossing her. He will learn to tell her in advance if he needed time away and maybe he will be smart about it and learn that in order for you to be able to respect him and understand him, he has to give her the same. I told her she must consider how this could impact her future dealings with him. It might be small, insignificant in fact but small step for her, a huge step for everyone. I told her to imagine that she was Armstrong himself taking small steps over the moon, "Small step for man but giant step for mankind" but to replace it with "Small step for Melati but giant step for everybody!" she could of course go with her plans but what use was it to be bitter and frustrated and thinking that this will never end. This wasn't a case of being petty. This was her way of empowering herself with the knowledge that she is still in control and will be if she can make that call to tell him that she will see her mother next week instead.

She sniffed and asked if I was hungry. I told her famished but I have smoked more than 3 sticks so have lost that appetite to eat. She then told me that she's been asked to see the movie 'Golden Compass' with a hot guy tomorrow and I exclaimed in protest because I missed the movie stardust due to some stupid planning and was going to beat her at watching the golden compass before her! Gleefully she said she'd call me tomorrow to let me in all the details and of course I said I’d just hang up on her. Maybe as a reward after the exams I’d book myself on an adventure to Bali or somewhere. We made plans for Christmas holidays to have coffee or if she could rob a bank undetected she will bring me for a day trip to Holland to smoke the good stuff. I laughed at her frivilousity and then she excused herself because it is only 945pm and it was still fairly early. She could probably catch her mom now. I was just happy that her tears were gone and that she was once more the lightning muse of mine. The one that flashes fiercest in the darkest of skies as an opening act to the downpour of insights that falls hard in big angry splashes when I experience hot dry spells of ideas.

Before she could say anything else, I thanked her for the smoke break and told to get her back on the working horse pronto! The night was long and we both have still much to do. I didn't get back on the laptop since I had already switched it off so I went to the kitchen instead to reheat the pizza that my brother ordered yesterday and helped myself with a few slices. I switched on television to tune off my mind and there I was blissfully a couch potato, ignorant of all other stimulus except for the images flashing in front of me, my left hand a tall glass of coke and in my right a huge slice of meat lover pizza.
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for quite sometime now, the tag 'teaching tales' was my msn tag. i haven't the longest time written for the self and suddenly the elegies disapeared! above is another go of writing as i fancy my self a stylo mylo escribitionista. not to be confused with someone who randomly flashes thier willy nillies at unassuming passerbys. but hey! isnt blogging some perverse way of 'baring yourself' too? :p *iamDApervert* hehehehe.....Although it is nice to get paid lar hor like all those other bloggers. but i digress, i write because i feel for writting. it helps to clear my pipes the way sex does for men and women alike haha! i read an article in shikinos many magazines on time about how sometimes its best NOT to say a word to a friend who is experiencing some kind of loss or another. it said how soemtimes not to say anything is really the best way of dealing with things but for me....yes, no doubt a hug or look could go a long way but i prefer to spread it all out. when we share and bare our souls to another, we are in hopes of a certain reaction. its like i give you peanut butter and a slice of bread and then tell you i don't what thew the hell to do with nor do i have the appetite to have a peanut butter sandwich. maybe i wanted to eat some but i don't feel like it and now i that i am stuck with it and since you are my chosen one. YOU think, do, anything or whatever to the peanut butter and slice of bread. hrmmm...too long to go on with that analogy but ask me when you see me.

the point i wanted to make was.....i have never liked it when i go ahead to bare my soul to someone and then to be told, "You do whatever you want but if you choose to do something that makes you cry, sad, angry and scream unfair please do not complain." What they want to mean is that they don't want to see, hear or know that you are sad, anger or depressed over something that you have decided to do. Or in many cases HAVE DONE. haven't you ever gone to your regular salon to have your hair done only then find yourself with burnt hair? you then rant, vent and bitch in tears to your best friend to have her tell you :-

a) i told you what they no good, you never listen *then they get angry*
b) its okay lar, cannot see you got burn your hair *then they talk about thier pets*
c) so now what you want to do *then they stare down at their nails*
d) same same story, what else is new *then they get even angier*
e) then don't go to that salon then! *they get even angier or angriest at this point*

or they say that the incident is done and over with and proceed with silence.

*hummph* JUST don't okay *munchpizza*

stay sane,
jahatamyemeelea

risky business..

maybe it could be due to the cold weather lately but i find myself eating alot! well....since i've cut down much on the smokies anyway.

*sips coffee*

now chilling before i start burning midnight oil again :) *itsgo-blogtime!*

i think my office is haunted ler *gahhhhhh!* and its giving me the heeby jeebies just to think about it. the building is right beside the armenian church *synanogue?* where the former malaysian high commision is and a short distance away is fort canning. on my way to the stamp museum i spied graves, which are natural to churches and places of worship *especiallychurches* and even took a picture of it. it kinda spooked the 3 terrors *hehehehe* but intresting enough to make a solid imprint of mama's work address with them. didn't think much about it but my lunch breaks can be very pretty actually. the office goes dead after 6pm because because because.....i couldn't really pin on the answer to that yet but after today......

i think its because, really lerr....its kinda spooky. take the times *threetimes!!inarow* when i was in the ladies, i found myself wondering if this particular tap (its the one with the auto sensors) could be faulty because when i was all alone in the cubicle *ahems* the water just kept going on and off. i didn't think too much about it but the second time it happened, i noticed that it only does that when i'm alone in the toilet. it stops 'playing' when someone else comes into the toilet. so logically, to prove if my theory is correct, i should stay and see what happens when all the others leave right? WRONG! because the second i realised that my hairs were all at attention i ran out. the 3rd time it happened, i found myself asking why the heow you want to play with water dar; water is precious you know and then stopped myself when i realised that i'm actually believing that 'it' could be a real 'it' *uwaaaa!* so before i turn paranoid i quit thinking or speaking or acknowledge that anything is wrong.

then today today today....*jeng jeng jeng* ms. ikebana asked me if i'd be hanging around till late. i am the first one in and the last one out so it makes perfect sense for her to ask. maybe she didn't have the keys to lock up. and the guys already know that i like to hang around on days before class to chill before walking to school. but then the look on her face when i told her i'm rushing off early today *skipclass* made me panic. so i JUST HAAAAAAD to ask if she was afraid to be alone in the office. she laughed nervously and said she'd rather not say because afraid that i might freak out *hehe* but i forced her anyway and she answered me affirmative. by this time, my eyes already the size of saucers ler. no kidding! so i told her about the tap incidents and then she HAAAAAAD to point out the spot where its supposedly to be 'keras' or literally 'hard'...meaning very haunted *yikes!!* and its that corridor leading to the ladies *gulp* she even told me she ever SAW stuff *arrrghhhh* which made me feel like i wanna pee on da spot :p

us malays DO NOT use the word 'keras' lightly. it has to be of incidents and feelings so imbued with oppressive fear and super scary encounters, that the minute when you mention this place hard that place very hard, guys like me can go weak in the knees already. so i'm trying to be very brave here, seeing that i'm usually the only one left in the office in the evenings and will stay actually just to chat to the cleaning lady. you can't blame me lar, she brings me kueh-kueh *yummy!* to eat while we clear up the office. i'm in charge of shredding paper at the end of every day >D and she does what she does best, which is wash up and mop, vacuum or gossip with me lar!

ms. ikebana was fine when i left because ms. wow-at-40 was still in the office together with mr. simply-water. sis sally (the cleaning lady) had just only arrived so she didn't rush off to leave with me just now. and i have to blog about it before i can think of anything else actually. so now that my story is done....its back to....

my never endings. target to just finish and not fight it anymore!!!!!

so you JUST mark me with compassionate pass LAH! i'll still do my utmost to do a good paper.

stay sane,
jahatamyemeelea *stillkindaspookednie*

avatars...personal stirrings of the soul

"the perfect has no need of the other, but weakness has, for it seeks support and does not confront its partner with anything that might force him into inferior position and even humiliate him." - C G Jung in The Undiscovered Self..

so now you understand why i do not put up my arms easily to painful jibes and uncomfortable situations? ;) because i know what you want and need. why should i be the one to give it to you? i reserve my right to say NO :D

work has been great! 3 weeks into the job and recently confirmed i do not have much bad or negative things to say. although it hasn't been all good vibes naturally, i will be patient and reserve my vile lashings till the bad stuff *coughpersoncough* confirms through many many repeat incidents and breathe fire. although, i am not taking these small incidents and slights to be personal, i am going to keep them in mind and make them transparent to 'cover my ass for future'. sorry gal...life is a bitch and you have just met daMUTHERBIATCH herself so be wary otey....

one does not shred her mistakes and not own up to her mistakes without ulterior motives. one does not ask to 'retract and delete' an ALREADY SENT email to a superior if she does not fear! and one could not be SO clever and bright if she ASKS for email to be retracted and deleted with comments, "what did you send so big an attachment 8kb? i can't seem to open it? you cc'ed boss oso? next time things like these you do not have to copy to her ok?" well oh well.....thanks babe, you just made me even more wary and will from today onwards not just copy but blind copy every email between us because there is A NEED be *muahahaha*

sometimes its the things you do, maybe the things you say and most of the time it is all that is unspoken that does it for me. heavily guided by intuition; i must say i am one of those but to the rest i believe, evidence of proof is still very much needed. reading in between the lines is my speciality but i am still very rational and logical. learnt that assumptions are not very productive and the is nothing like reason being backed up by hard evidence. just that my own absolute certainty brings its own evidence and has no need for anthropomorphic proofs....*keep the faith \m/*

see you gals tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

stay sane,
jahatamyemeelea

that thing you do...

"People play games as a substitute for real intimacy, an every game, however unpleasent, has a particular payoff for one or both players." Games People Play (1964) Eric Berne.

i'll let you think you win because i know you play only to win. and sometimes it is just better that way because i know too much cortisol could lead to cancer build up. this tactic is called strategic avoidance. a walkover doesn't mean i lose, it just means i am more aware of my strengths and weaknesses and i refuse to be a victim of something much more bigger that your ego. mine is much bigger and if that makes me a selfish bastard than i am.

proud to be a selfish bastard.

keep sane with much love always,

jahatamyemeelea

on da color yellow...

yellow submarine..


yellow the song


yellow raincoat..


yellow people


yellow duckie...


yellow sun


yellow yellow diry fellow...


40,000 yellow t-shirts



...........*biteslips*

funny how a single color can eclipse a myriad of other beautiful colors of the rainbow. i think i'll add a huge pack of pencil colors, paint and pens to my shopping list and brighten the other beautiful colors in my life.

stay sane,

jahatamyemeelea

and ACTION!

sunday morning...

woke up and smsed the gang, its our annual meet up on hari raya and i was excited. although sorely dissapointed that the terrors couldn't join us but the thought of seeing lil danial and em're filled in the sore spots right away. not to mention the idea that we'd be rolling around old school jokes the whole day. mounting expectations marked my every step out of bed and affirmative replies via sms set my mood on high.

138pm..
*ring ring*

me: eh lindot! tadi kau sms..'drop at 711' maksud kau 711 the kedai ke BLOCK 711 ah??

lindot: oi!! 711 kedai dar!!!!!! *sniggerlaughlaugh* kau pat maner nie?

me: *slaps forehead and made way to alight* lerrrrrr!!!!! mati-mati aku ingat block 711 dar. 711 da lepas! aku da turun nie so which way? aku pat block 619 nie.

*background more laughter and offered directions*

lindot: aku pun tak tahu maner tue *hehe* kau ambek teksi jer lar datang sinie!

me: *tak tahu nak nagis ke ketawa* ah okay lar! baru nak sep duit muahahahaha....

so, i tot she said to alight at blk 711 but as the bus drove pass a huge 711 store it occured to me that it could be IT, my designated stop. a phonecall confirmed my super sotong bluerness but i arrived safe. if with terrors i'd prolly be vomitting blood already because it was a SUNDAY and we all know how difficult it is to get a cab in smack middle of chua chu kang ON A SUNDAY.

FAST FORWARD >>>>>>>>>>

mr. nasir's house in tampines! he was our PE teacher in secondary school and we were his groupies *muahahaha* he just graduated from NIE and you can imagine the stuff he made us go through!! it was erobics lar, parading t-shirts lar, filling up all his ideal enthusiasm as a new teacher with our willingness to try everything at least once. it was GREAT to see him as we treid to pick his memories for traces of US. yes....it's our narcissistic tendencies going on overdrive. afters was nanin's for lil more chill time over her hubi's bestest 9-6 teh tarik then for aha's all the way over to sembawang. the home of the chilli crab ala travel cusine, apparently quite popular over multiply :p we didn't have chilli crab but aha whipped us kway teow goreng for dinner and then after more camwhoring we parted hilariously back home. nanin flinched aha's collection of past photos for a project to compile our past and present and i BET that will be all the TALK next year *muahahahah*

*perot cramp kejap*

and i can't go on.

too..........many.........side-splitting rewinds for go-blog today on my sunday out.

ITS MONDAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!

work was good. interview went well. friday and saturday was duly struck off as tuned out to the world day. and hopes for the week uP...UUUUUUPPPPP and awayyyyyyy.....till the cramp subsides ;)

stay sane,
amyemeelea

Salam Eid and what's left....

"Hi amy after much consideration i hate to make this decision to dismiss your employment with the company with immediate effect. Reasons being the company is not satisfied with your performance during probation plus your poor attendance. You need not have to have to report to work anymore. Your salary will be calculated accordingly to your bank account at month end. Appreciate your understanding. Cc Sebina" - Boss from hell with no one iota of professionalism.


I knew way back in my 4th week with the company that things do not bode well. Bobby and Shikino were first to jump and tell me to work harder at work, to make things right. After all, I was the one who chose to leave and try it out in this 8 man outfit. Even though Bobby felt that I would have much better success working in a bigger and brand named outfit where teamwork shines and the only heads that will roll in lieu of crisis will be the people on top. :P But I digress, work will be work and all that could happen will happen. For a reason of course. So that was how i was fired last Wednesday, via SMS. I had the terrors over on Monday and Tuesday to make up for the weekend green eyed monster didn't let me see em and on Tuesday night after i sent them back I got caught in the rain. So I had the audacity to take an hour off to go see the doctor on Wednesday morning. I knew she wouldn't like it but well, I should have known better when the ads were out twice under the guise of 'expansion' and the hushed whispers behind my back escalated, and did tell myself, NOT to take the risk but I value my health. As it is, I haven't been well. I had thought that leaving my desk clean and EMPTY of to dos would suffice and putting in more extra effort in being a participant and hounding the rest for more work (i ended up clearing 2 yrs worth of filing) turned its table on me. As they say, when someone hates you....a speck of dirt could just render you totally insignificant. I could analyse and fight it through maybe give her a HUGE piece of my mind but hey...what will it be worth right? I'd rather wait for my pay to be creditted in before I send her that bouquet of flowers and an email to follow. Oh! must make sure I Cc copies to the rest 6 of the staff *weeeEEEeee!*



So anyway, Salaam Eidul Fitri to all!!! The wishes could have come sooner but both pcs at home crashed. I had wanted to fill in from work but *ahems* as you can see from the above, work hasn't been so fantastic. So am using shikino's lappy to work on this *waves* This is the sign to get my own lappy!! *hehe* but wahalau! Am suddenly jobless siak...the terrors especially terror 1 enjoyed raya with me. She finally got her MP3 player and filled it with songs from High School musical (she loves gabrielle) and then a spratly of rock songs (evanescence) to prove that she's still my lil rock chick. She's very much a loner nowadays and I think it's because she's always alone in the afternoons with the other 2 at school. She's already preparing for her PSLE *gahhhhh!* and can speak non-stop about schoolwork and more homework. I should be happy but I rather not have a geeky, afraid of her own shadow terror. She can plonk herself in front of the pc on the internet for a whole day!! Kinda reminds me of myself :p but so far so good, she still enthusiastically participates in our rough tumbles outdoors and indoors. Terror 2 and 3 have each shown peculiarities of their own. Terror 2 eats and eats! I just hope he's not eating due to being the middle child. The type that feels neither here nor there and then gorges on food to fill in the emptiness but I have much hope. He just needs more playtime and activities that could distract him away from tv and food. Terror 3 eats very little and she's goes on overdrive when she has any one's attention. She tries very very hard to fit in somewhere but never could find a niche. Its either they are too old that she can't play along or we are too old *busygossipinglar* to play with her. She usually hangs with the adults and my god her vocab!!! Its a national pastime for us ladies to gossip kan?? So I'm a wee bit worried, what if she becomes just like us old ladies always talking *coughgossipcough* not stopping ;)

i can't pick them up today because terror 1 has exams tomorrow so all of them are at home god knows what they'd be doing. We have many invites but you can guess the level of my enthusiasm :D i went out for breakfast and to see if I can grab a copy of yesterday's news but no such luck. These vendors take their recycling seriously. I wanted to pop by the library but forgot my books! Can't go around asking to borrow ICs so bought weekly farnie sundaytimes to chill. My other hand,was busy peeling oily, crispy and fatty chicken for brunch. I thought KFC's coffee was a tad too light so headed to the hot hot food court at tampines interchange for my coffee-cow fix. It helps too that they have a smoking section! Nosiy and very hot, not recommended but if you needa good fix equal to an espresso, head down and ask for a wee bit more sugar to that extra zing! Of course Strabucks or Coffee Bean would have been nice but right after being FIRED via sms....one has to be very careful with whatever money is left. I flipped and flipped and what caught my eye amidst all the tragic news is a letter in the forum about noisy karung guni (pro-enviromentalist guy who goes around collecting rubbish in exchange for a lil token of cash) man. Wait!! Is that the karung-guni man that got to buy a terrace house by just collecting rubbish?!!! >) Apparently this poor soul is so distraught by the noise that they make for hours on end that he decided enough was enough and went to report of the disturbances to the police! They told him to go to the town council and they told him to go back to the POLICE! *muahahahaha* hilarious! cos I kept humming the theme song to Ghostbusters but replacing "Ghost" with "karung-guni". There is no hope for my fellow countrymen. To think that they actually PUBLISHED his letter, I am sure his concerns mirror those around him. Nak ajer gua campak dia pat Myanmar nie skarang. Tengok dia complain tak pasal karung guni *hehe* No books, no lappy to fiddle with so I headed home. The bus ride usually cold turned out to be stifling stuffy. I tried to relax and stare out to the skies but the caffeine and chicken was tossing and churning various thoughts and my body ached to stretch and move it. I couldn't wait to get down. When I did, I was surprised to feel happy. Wasn't I supposed to be depressed? Distraught? Or maybe frustrated about losing a job? Fear was playing hide and seek but the focus was only that I was happy. I didn't want it to merely fleet away so dropped everything in the room and leafed through an old album that bobby saved of our growing up years. A walk down memory lane could help bouy this momentarily. They were the only pictures saved of our childhood and I laughed and savoured each photo as I remembered when, where, how and why they were taken. I looked so much like mama. And i swear Terror 2 has a picture somewhere that looks exactly like bobby when he was 12? That done, bobby and shikino left for their parent's place to help out with the open house and me right here plonked in front of the lappy to finish this.

Bobby was warning me to be very careful with their lappy and not to eat, drink or do anything remotely normal while using their lappy. It is after all...the only connection we have to the internet world at home right now and things borrowed can never have the enjoy the same rules as things owned :) reminds me of how desperate I am to STUFF myself with all that is MINE. And toodle-loo now I just need to email my resume to all that I know before logging off till with more good news! Wish I could put up pics and damn if I don't find proper e-storage for all my pics. Lest they share the same fate as the rest that died with the last 2 pcs *blearrrgh!* well...we'll just have to see won't we? ;)

Stay sane be always brave,
jahatamyemeelea

"Minta maaf, minta ampun atas segala yang tersurat-tersirat. Kalau tersinggung atau mungkin segelintir dikecewa, aku minta maaf ;) dari seluruh pelusuk zahir dan batinku, moga doa mu menjadi harapan ku juga....Selamat Hari Raya!"

here i am...

Rambling again…

I saw the gals for iftar and a trip to sma to check out the degree programme the have there. I kept repeating 20 thousand dollars much the the chagrin of the ladies. There was ms. Mar the young and ambitious librarian. Then there was giggly and very much tickly ms.nadiaH who came JUST in time for ifthar and of course our jaunts will not be complete with ms. Sanee the seriously insane policewoman in disguise as a paper crazy student *mueheheh* who came like at 730pm and saved me from seriously ransacking next door 711 for a blarrdy lighter. Yeaps….yours truly has started her smoking BUT I am very much trying to lay it low. Because yes..after that bout of being seriously ill, we all need to take care of ourselves a wee much better :D we had a lousy and noisy iftar at tong seng just opposite bugis but it was nice to meet up and fire the rage of enthusiasm for higher learning. For all the reasons we all have for taking up the diploma and contemplating the degree programme it was nice to humble oneself and bask in the ideal glory of others. Refreshing to say the least, because suddenly not making sense was serious making a lot of sense.

We all suddenly wondered aloud why each of us is doing the deed. Switching from a diploma programme to a degree is serious major mojo to contend with. Then a sudden epiphany! From current book in bag, “ It would be sane now NOT to be an emperor of one idea; to start from the position that everyone is right from their own point of view; and to take for granted that everyone is more confused than they seem. Havoc is always wrecked in fast cures for confusion. The sane believe that confusion, acknowledged, is a virtue; and that humiliating another person is the worst thing we ever do. Sanity should not be our word for the alternatives to madness; it shoud refer to whatever resources we have to prevent humiliation.” – Adam Phillips, Going Sane. A bit of truth there? Aren’t we all the selfish bastards we are born to be? But hey! We shouldn’t go crazy for wanting and desiring for meaning. Please let’s not bring genetics into this or religion! I am trying to stay coherent here *haha!*

But it was the lingering question of the nazi’s and their past brutality that clinked and d clanked much in my brains. I did read about those Nazi experiemnts. All those senseless and nasty evil ones they did on the jews. What was their motive? Why so extreme?! And so creative some more..but on the whole it was the mental experiments that lasted throuhout history and how it premeated layers upon layers of people and not only of jewish descendants nor of origins. It affected us colelctively and universally, most definitely. I once read, Victor Frank’s book ‘Man’s Search for Meaning' while doing research on Logos. 'Logos’ is the the greek word for ‘meaning’ and found it very rewarding. It was a gripping account of his time in a Nazi concentration camp and of his fellow prisoners who either devloped a survival mindset or simply gave up on life. Frankl apprecaited the multidimensional nature of humans and while he didn’t deny that biology or conditioning shapes us, he insisted that there is room for free will. We are able to choose to develop certain values or aprituclar course in life, or to retain our dignity in difficult situtations. Excerpts:-“What I term the existential vacuum constitutes a challenge to psychiatry today. Ever more patients complain of a feeling of emptiness and meaninglessness, which seems to derive from two facts. Unlike an animal, man is not told by instincts what he should do. Often he does not even know what he basically wishes to do. Instead, he either wishes to do what other people do (conformism), or he does what other people wish him to (totalitarism).” So as not to confuse his theory with the existentialsim of Sartre or Camus, Frankl wanted to convince people that life will always have meaning. Even if it is not yet clear what it is. We may not discern or pick on a its meaning in difficult or painful situations until later, when we have grown as a result of what happened. Easier said than done when in this age and time what we all chase after is ‘closure’ the simplicity of having it done and away with. Its over, NADA…KAPISH! But how many of us take the time to think about the courage, the quiet strength of sitting it through. Of bawling ones eyes out and feeling better that you did because you realised that through it all…you are still alive. Each person, he wrote, comes into life with a unique set of potential meanings to fulfill. It is up to us whether we decide to grasp these meanings and accept them, or try to avoid them. There is no ultimate “meaning of life” or why we want to do or have to do. Only individual meanngs of lives of individual people. And boy did I have a headspin while I was sick. But bleak situations don’t necessarily do that. A perfect sunrise could give you the inspiration to hunt for many more. A soft blowing breeze may whet your appetite for the chill of the mountains? Be careful of bears or rather monkeys then. If you are like most Singaporeans and have only encountered animals in the zoo *hehe* so how the hell all this get tied with and into the jews and the nazi’s and concentration camps? Errr….blame it on the trailing effects of the drugs :p but *ahemssss* please do a twirl and ask youself if we are not living in a Nazi camp right now ;)

So even though muddleheaded and very much so disorientated last weekend. The sleep, the rest and okay the drugs helped to bring back a sense of equilibrium that I so desire. The zest is slowly creeping up and although I see no meaning in episodes of humiliation I see and taste at work, I am reminded yet again, how fragile we each hold our lives on tether to. And what for? The concious acceptance of suffering or fate can be transformed into one of our greatest achievements. So the nazi’s….didn’t they have anything better to do than meddle with other people’s minds? Believe it or not but the legacy of the nazi’s tortures are still very much alive. Subtley it has premeated our daily lives in silence and killing every little nuace of free will we have. Any oppressive enviroment will do just that. Kill you softly or gently with much worry about freedom of speech, healthcare and the care of the aged. In midst of the young chasing after paper after paper, our natural compassionate nature to understand and give support without prejudice is slowly but steeply eroding our sense of humanity. So onward we march gals!! There is yet much to acclaim for. Don’t let the numbers or time and critism bog you down. What matters most is that you empower yourself with the tools and stay determined on course to do what every little thing we can to make this life better for everyone. The point of melding what you have with what you want to apply to life is tricky but we will all get to the point soon enough. See you guys for another round of serious and not so serious mental jaunts before class. And be the riot you are! No one cares really :p we have the law on our side *points to ms.sanee* albeit she can be very ham-sup or seriously uncensored for your both very young ears. But that is life….all about preparation darls. We all are going to die but how we will end it ultimately can still be a choice. None but your’s…..errrm…..okay I think I’m a bit off here but we can shove it in more next next Thursday?

Quote biksetan from summer breeze….
::: quand les chiens mordent, quand les abeilles piquent, quand je sens le mauvais.. Remembering stuffs you like & being happy.:::

and while you chew on that; it doesn’t take much to create that meaning yourself….and not if you won’t let me do it for you. Even while I’m sick dammit!!! So I so owe the many many of you! And the amount of conversations lost! First iftar out and I must say, I have missed out on many!! Apologies to aha, nanin and lindot again. and to the many many many others who have tried relentlessly to get me OUT. Sorry guys..it’s a week break and its back to hitting books :) still….InsyaAllah, Eid will bring many other opporturnities. I owe the 3 terrors BIG time for this coming week so we’ll work something out.

*happy thought happy happy thoughts happy thoughts happy happy thoughts*

powwsters – be bothered already! And hope you had a blast getting older.
Minah gebu gua aka lynn maharet – congrats darl!!! May you muntah *vomit* your way to the 2nd trimester and enjoy it *muahahahah*
Wombat & mrs – another pair of soulmates I see and I spy! We’ll celebrate BIG time soonest
Biksetan! - *sings you are my sunshine my only sunshine* oh! Beware of spiders but don’t kill any will you while playing archeologist? :p
Sham – oits!!! Gua rindu lu but as usual, no news is good news just better if we can have another day out aye? Jom kita jalan raya!!!! Gua pegi rumah lu, then kita hike pegi rumah gua :D the boys not to mention the terrors will definitely hate me already after the hike from telok blangah to woodlands….
Hugsy and the missus! – spied you on multiply! And congrats with the incoming! It is a mat or a minah? Pray that both of you well…..

More happy thoughts? Hrmmm……I hope I passed!!!

Stay sane,
jahatamyemeelea

Doctor tales...

It was maybe me dancing the chacha or really it was a brush with dengue or I will never know if it really was an allergic reaction to the antibiotics I was taking right after the op?! But me much better now. Feeling very much myself over the sun, moon and stars thanking Him for another day to be breathing. It was supposed to be a rock and rolling weekend with the terrors and my ex school mates whom I so so much dearly miss but oh my god! I was in so much pain. The never ending fevers through the nights and the ache in my bones finally breaking out in rash all over. My face was all blotchy, you wouldn’t have recognised me. I was also teary…I kept crying and thinking if this was ‘the end’. *hehe* yeaps…me the sick wimp. I was thinking about my will of debts :p but most of all my loved loved ones *snnnnIFFFFFFFsnoort*

So with all I’ve got plus a helping hand from a concerned one, I took the trip to the docs and hurray! The doc confirmed nothing cept for the leftover cyst to be smaller *saysmuchthankyoutoHim* then prescribed me more meds for the combo of fever and rash. I still saw the terrors last weekend but I think I freaked them out because I distinctly remember the 3 terrified terrors all around me telling me not to die *bawlseeyesout* and there I was not being able to move or say much cept to calm them down and tell them that mama’s going to be ALLRIGHT so keep praying hard. Hats off to Sham when I think of the times she was down and still had to cook, clean and care for the boys. Gosh! I felt so helpless and aha, nanin and lindot, “I heart you guys so much and thank you for the bbq we didn’t manage to attend! The food looked yummylicious and you guys were picture perfect as usual!” I never want to be sick ever again! Kak tina and Guy were so accomodating, they made sure I had the support when needed, the coconut juice was refreshing ;) The kids roamed around freely and did complain that this was the most boring weekend evar! A short stint lighting lanterns and then fireworks at the corridor. Best was that, terror 2 scored major points when he refused to go bazaar a walking to take care of me at home. We watched Harry Potter, then he tucked me in, rubbed calamine lotion all over my red hot body and told me how much he loved me. THAT is my hero in the making. Nope! Hands of all those girls out there, this is here mama’s BOY! :P I.just.can’t.forget. HOW.so spaced out by the drugs I was! The weekend was like a really bad trip or when tempered down, a cool pink floyd clip *muehehee* I thought of what shikino must have gone through while doing radiotheraphy and school! Wahlau! She deserve those 2 gold medals man! Give my sis in law a baby already! :) so please take care of yourselves peeps…morbidity in small doses can be really painful and when escalates! *gahhhhhhhhhh!* like me…turn into such a baybeee!

Maybe it could be seen still from my entry today? So scatterbrained still. so many conversations to pick up from where they have been shelved for time outs. Nazi concetration camps that’s one. Is humiliating another the worst thing you can do to someone? Is revenge the sweetest when its right on the jugular and more? On sanity versus madness, that’s another one. On why a certain someone says no to a perfectly planned day out, that’s another good one. On doing the dissapearing act and go ‘tata…goodbye and so long’ that’s another good one. On cheating tales! Wah very juicy *winkwink* and for the rest that I can’t really remember cos my arms so very the ache now and I don’t know why. So its to pen and paper till I can properly type again :)

Stay sane, <---- that’s another one! What is the meaning of being sane??
Jahatamyemeelea

ps: salam ramadhan to all...although i haven't been able to fufill my ends very well. Salam Nuzul Al Quran to those who are a looking :) May the night of all nights be yours for the taking..

from the harem network..*cough*

Spent the day at work yesterday walking around like a zombie and actually took a 1 hour lunch nap in the office toilet. I was feeling dat bad from the flu and mounting fever. Towards the end of the day, felt better and managed to get through social psychology mcq test :) it wasn’t so bad so I took heart and rest. I had thought that the small day op for the cyst might not have been able to go through but with His grace, I mananged fine this morning, the fever came down and all went well. I think it was the shock of it all, my exams, new job sucks, new colleagues suck, lady boss is a *ho-hum* and to know that my grogginess and bouts of flu and all was about this rambutan tree growing in my stomach was a bit too much. After my last few skrimishes with all manner of growth from neck down, of course I didn’t want to take any chances so opted for the fastest way to get things done. Way more expensive if you ask me! >( but better now then say when medical expenses in singy start to really be the biggest bugger of all. This was all a bit last minute in informing the office though so da boss was very sceptical about my sick leave. Especially when I told her that I was going to do this small op and will be knocked out for 2 days. Her reason was that her friend went for this op too and got sick leave for 1 week so ‘how can she only get 2 days’, also heard through the grapevine *whywhycan’theysayittomyface* that she isn’t too happy about me being sick cos its unfair for the rest of the staff. Seeing that I’m new and everything. Well, I think it is because she’d rather have me infect the whole office with my blues *theflu!too* and have a slumping, do it for the company kinda very loyal work till I die type of employee than someone who is conscientious about her health and wellbeing hence taking time of to rest and generally only give off good vibes at the office. Arghhh! What we all do for money ehk? :)

Ramadhan is here again, and the weather has been very cool and forgiving. I don’t think I can start fasting soon enough because I have to take my antibiotics *amust!* for at least 5 days. Lets see how well I can juggle that. The two bright spots of my day came from biksetan and wombatman! Who took the blues away with simple smses *hehe* i want your breakfast ah!!!! and then the other was very kind to pick me back home to make sure I have enough rest from the op. At home, Bobby was bright and cheery! He has finally decided on a degree course at SIM and hopefully will get that scholarship to start his semester in january 2008. I have been thinking about that Specialist diploma too and thinking if it would be better for me to go straight for my degree in Psychology by just adding a few bit more to my current study loan *shivers* but other was right. Concentrate on my current responsibilities and don’t stretch myself too thin.

Health is IMPORTANT! And good friends, family and close loved ones. Life is not all about MONEY, STATUS and leading a company. No matter how much you think you are giving back to society by paying us salary, its not the dollars and cents at the end of the day that makes you a good boss. A respected and look upon leader as someone whom you can emulate must be able to connect and integrate positive values with the company’s goals and vision to grow. And its rewards are rarely short-term. A company with a leader, all at once who is compassionate and who can provide meaning to the core work being done daily will not have to worry about having staff with the wrong attitude. They will simply just ‘attract’ the right people and these people will be loyal and hardworking after working out the pros and cons. The office is your 2nd home is it not? Or maybe you do not have a home? Or never knew what and where home is and will be for you? :( are people to you another set of values in numbers? Have we no pride that you can scream, “I am going to kill you!!!” at the top of your lungs and take it that you have pms? Well, there is something about you that I can’t put my finger on but let time tell.
You may pride yourself for being “right” all the time, but such inflexibility does not always guarantee a future. What about conscience and morality? “Man is not a moral animal in the sense of possessing a special trait or virtue; he has built a kind of social enviroment which induces him to behave in moral ways” wrote B.F Skinner as he once observed in his book about how, like all animals, humans are creatures shaped by their environment – but we also have the ability to adjust or create new environments. So if you want to built a successful company with a loadful of self motivated employees, think about the culture and environment that YOU are building and projecting yourself. WE can’t change a mind. WE can only change the environment that may prompt someone to act differentl... so think about it boss! Your irritability and many faced attitudes are making frankensteins out of us. Or haven’t you realised that already maybe thinking that its all just a touch of side effects to your midas touch? For now, after 3 weeks, I am merely an observer. Thinking what have I gotten myself into for a jump up of 300 bucks to my end month pay packet. Of course I owe you my gratitude for bringing me on board to maybe and hopefully share and be able to create a difference. But seriously ah….I rather be wise and compassionate than another Sir Napoleon Bonarparte! Be how like God rather How like Dog!

so its another roll in the hay for me while i look over yonder for much much greener pastures *blueeeeeek!* see you in the office tomorrow! with a huge smile on my face that says i am thankful i have sooooOoooo many people concerned about my health and wellbeing which is why this skip in my walk, whereas you have only profit and loss to balance your love and concern chequebook *ouch!*

stay sane,
amyemeelea

Another wedding!

Interesting…

“It is wrong to think that love comes from long companionship and persevering courtship. Love is the offspring of spiritual affinity and unless that affinity is created in a moment, it will not be created for years or even generations” – Khalil Gibran

Two of my nephews finished their Al Quran studies and so my elder bro; the fourth in the family decided to have a prayer session to give thanks for their achievements. My sister-in-law’s niece was getting married so they had both events together last weekend. It was somewhere in Jurong as usual under the voideck, yet another opportunity for all of us, close cousins and family to get together. ALL of my siblings were present except for my dear sis in states and I felt so girly out of a sudden to be the only girl flanked my 3 elder bros and bobby. We ate and sat around catching up after hearing the careful renditions of the surahs by both Zulfikar and Luqman to mark end their studies while congratulations were offered all around. Its not easy okay to actually read the Al Quran in front of soooooo many people! Zulfikar the older one, faltered and looked so tense while Lukman was confident and managed to carry a tune even. Nevertheless, we were very proud of both of them. I for one, can't read the Al Quran *blush* but learnt the surahs by memory so this was another reason to buck up! The dais was then taken up by the bride and groom who hogged the limelight. The family taking the opportunity to take pictures and we were just basking in good company when my aunt broke the reverie by asking my elder bro to find a girl for my cousin. She wanted him to act as matchmaker! *gasp* for her eldest son who is still single. She specifically asked for a ‘good girl’ and we all knew what that meant. The intended girl must fulfil all the basics and even more. Isn’t that all we mothers hope for our sons one day? To marry an honourable, virtuous, graceful and beautiful woman? My bro replied that no mother will get what she asks for to the incredulous looks around him. And for maximum impact he added that no mother in law will get a kind daughter in law. I could see the contorted faces and I pressed closer to dare ask my bro to explain.

It is simply difficult my brother said because of the following reason :-

“that the girl was brought up and fed by another family so how can what we deem as good and kind as a family be ever the same?”

BUT as long as these basics were fulfilled then chances are that the daughter in law will be the best that she can be for her husband, her children and family. Which is:-

1) she has the blessing of both her in laws to be part of the family. They too must like, respect and honour her as a person.
2) The husband is willing to act as guide and not fail to fulfil any one of the basics that is to provide her with her basic needs for food, shelter and protection.
3) And to not stop ‘hoping’ (to pray ler) to be blessed and fulfilled with a girl who is able and willing to be part of the family. Even after the wedding okay…

so many fulfillments siak, i felt full full *hehe* but this was no time to be joking around so very serious looking elders. ... but in all the full fulls...i know it is for the greater good ;)

Basically, he didn’t want the family to worry about my cousin. No intrusion needed was what he tried to emphasise. SUKA-SUKA or willing-willing errr….happy-happy? But I think it was brilliant! Why add the pressure right? My aunts then went to pick on the rest of the girls from his last relationships. One didn’t want to convert to be a muslim. Another went on ahead to marry another but still wants to be ‘friends’ and bla bla bla when suddenly as they turned the question to me. When was I getting married?! “If He wills” was all that I could reply. My recently widowed cousin who lost his wife to cancer became my scapegoat and add, “I’m actually waiting for him to remarry!” but he said he’s afraid that his wife will haunt him from the grave if he ever did and we all laughed it away. He whispered that, it’d be easy then for my future husband because he doesn’t have to worry about the blessing part from my parents as both of them have passed on but then there is a question about my siblings ;) to which shikino exclaimed bobby’s importance in my future union. Somehow, his whisper managed to move around the table. Yeaps, bobby vowed to check his account balance and whatever before my intended could ever get approval *prrft* with support from kak fatimah, who said it is imperative for our siblings to final aprrove my choice. Arghhh! That’s what usually happens at weddings isn’t it? Whose getting married next is always a very popular question.

So just remember folks….the key is “Spiritual affinity”. And to the mothers out there, imagine if it was your daughter being put under scrutiny. I am not saying to pick any minah, jambu or manis but it will be suffice that your son raise up to the plate; have the courage to court a suitable girl and prove to himself to be the leader that he should be, rather than have his mummy, daddy or whoever pick his other half for him. Wives....DO NOT DROP OUT OF THE SKY and DO YOU REALLY WANT TO BE MATCHMADE? >) If either side takes on the same stand then wouldn’t it be all just made in heaven just as it is intended to be?

Stay sane,
Amyemeelea

hmmm.......choosing the lesser of two evils? does that always work? *ponder ponder ponder*

my catharsis...

Reality started to sink in while we did that goal setting practical for emotion, cognition and motivation class today. Also, the dateline to submit our assignments kept ringing in my ear making it hard to concentrate on everything else. I took a power nap of 5 mins tops before I could focus on the mechanics of goal-setting in the middle of somewhere. Consciousness slowly tried to keep its grip on me while whatever amount of motivation I felt slowly ebbed away as I could feel myself listlessly trying to follow what was being said by mr. Lam. We had to lists our extrinsic and intrinsic to dos and my heart pounded as the words leaped out at me with a huge boo!

Class ended early as I finalised the last of the questions on what exactly motivates a person with a loose strategy somehow reminding me of spaghetti al dente lost deciding between trying to immerse itself in delicious cream sauce or tangy tomato sauce laced with a good dose of Tabasco. I packed and focused on trying to make my way towards mr. Lam crowded by others. Maybe it was my empty stomach I mused as I overheard mr. Lam mentioning my name to another student. Their conversation stopped abruptly when I approached making my entry into their personal space a little too creepy even for me. was it something good or bad that thought flicked away by a casual sweep of my hands to steady my sunglasses resting lopsided on my head.I quickly mentioned I needed time to see him on Thursday to discuss or rather get tips for writing that essay on learning before I start social psychology with ms. Hope. done! And I triumphed at the thought of getting that struck of my list. A hand shot out to reach my shoulder and ms.librarianmar announced that she wanted to hook up on Thursday too but I quickly cut her off saying that I needed the hour fully and hands off my booty! *hehe* I did not detect any hurt feelings there so we filed out of class, a few of us moaned at the thought of having to write and write somemore but soon it will be over and normal life or whatever is left of it can resume after the end of the semester. I needed a fag like i needed a shot of morphine or so I tried to pull myself back with a shot of extremism but I needed to pee even badly. Campy humour didn’t work with no one to share. A whole hour discussing goals! And I can’t dispel the disappointment I felt when the words ran into a blur right before my eyes. Was there a frog hiding in my throat? At least I got ryan and deci’s self determination theory right *haha* seconds after being blasted off for rattling to it as ‘that theory’ earlier on.

A sweet soul offered 2 sticks of pure manna as we sat to round up the night after pee break. Cool! I could already feel my muscles again and before the heat of the lighted second last tip could touch my fingers, it was goodbyes till hello. I speed read angela davis, her autobiography on the way back. the coursing hate she wrote about growing up among fearful aryans fuelled her need to pick up arms. She chose education as weapon and as I speed read through the passages, all I could think of was my bed :P closed the page and I let memory of terror 1 calling me from school this afternoon, she was very proud to report she used part of her pocket money to call me *tugsatheart* and that she was all dirty from doing painting in art class. She had to go before the 3 minutes were up because bibik was already waving her goodbye so before class I called her again this time at home and she continued happy stories about sleepwalking and promised to meet this weekend. It was a hasty call but the sound of her laughter brought the spring back into my steps. Ahhh….the bus jolted to a stop and i was finally home. a quick wash and quickly gobbled microwaved food and then decided that I didn’t want to get even more distracted by the show brothers & sisters on teevee, which I found very amusing, so I switched it off once I stubbed the last of my after dinner stick. Oh well….

Back to the drawing board and tap tap tap I worked on the keyboard. The words references, explain, critical, discuss just didn’t want to get pass introduction so aha! A light bulb flashed and zapped quite a few brain cells into shock when I realised that its only here that I could; to bleed my veins of toxic Monday blues out of my system and damn if I could get any work done tonight!

Sleep tight don’t let the bed bugs bite : )

Stay sane,
Amyemeela

Ps: tomorrow red!! In celebration of the blood moon *aaaaaaauuuUuuuuu*

the blue screen....

Better..i need to write better…

But my mind is blank. Fingers jammed.

Where is maria hertogh now. Google failed me yet again.

I have seen guys with better skills and more feel for color. Much is over-rated. Save for one very talented artfakeme.

National day rally, it will be fun to count the number of friends I have who actually watched. OR cared about what was being said.

I do not think that fashion is only for the rich. So I’ll bloody well buy that trench coat and wear it to work if I want!

All the literature I have is on social politics to get away from schoolwork. I like it better when I can talk and discuss about it BUT who wants to for fear of the ISA or ISD. Whatever! Anything! I love that ad on teevee *heheheh*

I can’t show YOU my true feelings and you know why. I’m such a bitch that’s why.

H.P Lovecraft sounds interesting.

I need to renew my premium membership at the library. 4 books to go really sucksssssssssssss.

I am so bored I can eat my shoe.

Lunar eclipse tomorrow! Blood moon…somehow the one person I would love to share my enthusiasm with doesn’t think it’s a big deal at all *bahhh!* go go go biksetan! Makes me think if these peeps have any sense of fun at all!! *go look for fake fangs*

My ciggs ration is running low. Please donate generously...

passion is now froot-tea?!

Not that I hate weddings but I overdosed on the many updates on multiply. I’d rather go to a real one. Invites puhlease!!! Maybe like powwster said, da hilang steam ah *phoooot* it’s like a really weak fart that doesn’t give you any satisfaction.

Writers block. I really think I have writer’s block.

Why didn’t odex run after the people who ran the sites to download from instead chased after the end users? You mean like what they did to napster?? Because the ones that run these websites are based overseas? Not traceable so they fine the end users using the same universal principle which is to teach by example. Err… so others will think twice about illegal downloading. But that’s what I think; you can go ask someone you TRUST for answers that would satisfy you. boy am I so glad I am not a singnet user. U go pacnet!!! *nods at wombat for the irony* ;)

“Kak miiiiiii~~~~~ no more youtube!” heart my shikino for the gentle nudges. For I need to finish my assignments!

“Figaro! FigarooooooOooo! Figaro..figaro!!” *chuckles* a big hug for bobby for making fun of my mood music and making me feel lighthearted. Suddenly the mountain of school work feels lighter.

*focus on happy tots happy happy tots happy happy tots happy tots happy happy tots*

stay sane,
amyemeelea

!! I do not understand what you are saying at all !!

Articulate is not a vegetable....

"As is all that stirs our soul, mine I stoke with my pointy thrusting curiosity. It is rare do I find another's as lucious as the sown fruits they speak of those grown on the tree of paradose, but when I spy one, this self sidles up nochalantly and gaze upon your subtle reflections. The slow stir begets a quick strike. The sting of my curiosity tears the hymen of your soul, to mark you forever with the stain of your blood on the tip of my hardened shaft. Our lips unlock, your eyes open in shock at the sweet obscenities while I langourly revel in the nakedness of your form. No passionate lovemaking should be bare in silence! Higher and deeper ring the octaves, we want to drown the deafening inane idle chatter. In full bloom kaledescopic color each our heady orgasms unfolds, the waves each taste of heaven. The is air heavy and humid as we both float above unbearably light cojoined, simply two beings caught in the act of ripe pickings. Our bodies bear witness in quiet harmony as the winds of fate blow gentle lullabies of farce realities below. Whispers of wonder and shyly bowing to amazement; we found each our truths. While the rest of the world grows weary of endless trysts, smilling we let them blissfully rest in ignorant satiety."

Artichoke is a vegetable.....

"I repeat...one is a word and the other is a vegetable that is also considered a sensuous vegetable."

*sniff* in point form it will go like this * courtesy of merriam websters online* emphasis all mine.

word 1 ) ar-ti-cu-late

1 a : divided into syllables or words meaningfully arranged : INTELLIGIBLE b : able to speak c : expressing oneself readily, clearly, or effectively ; also : expressed in this manner 2 a : consisting of segments united by joints : JOINTED b : distinctly marked off

and then we have *ahemsssssss*

word 2) ar-ti-choke

1 : a tall Mediterranean composite herb (Cynara scolymus) resembling a thistle with coarse pinnately incised leaves; also : its edible immature flower head which is cooked as a vegetable2 : JERUSALEM ARTICHOKE

so i'd rather be not understood then be a vegetable comprehende? pahe? tak pahe?!!! tak pahe tido! *understand? no understand? go sleep!* or have i just wasted your time? *glares* because I am AGAIN being long winded and could never keep it simple? What?! Pardon me, it is too difficult to understand? You couldn't make any meaning of it? *prfft*

What comes to mind is the irrepressable Oscar Wilde who said, 'It is what you read when you don't have to that determines what you will be when you can't help it.' I will not stop you if you prefer to 'read' others more coherent and those who can keep it simple for you to understand.

Stay sane,
amyemeelea

After a long hiatus..

Work at the new office is slow as compared to the last but not less scary. The guys warm up pretty good after a week ;) except for Ms. DA-accountant. Office is very DA open with everyone looking into my 15” LCD screen and no matter how I shifted the screen, its still visible dar! As wombatman remarked after I sent them a pic of the new office, “open is an understatement…” err….yes….my mouth was open *hehe* Am trying to be as low key as possible and lurk under the radar but that’s always hard to do being moi :P so, this ms. DA-accountant has been giving me the attitude but I’m just keeping it cool. She gives me orders and expects me to fulfill them without giving me guidelines or take into consideration that I am new to her environment. She evens end marks her requests with a glare that looks like, “you just do as I say and you’d be fine. Don’t ask too may questions or else!” *ho-hum* I just and have never clicked well to those of the i-feel-inferor-i-need-to-talk-you-down-types. Which reminds me; I haven’t changed a bit as I’m still as fiery as ever but experience has taught me not to try fight on every front – just pick those worth fighting for. So I avoid ‘un-winnable’ battles, still for fun (with those who can appreciate it) I still do as a form of sparring. And everything I do, I do it with love *saaaap* Says much about my submissive attitude :) *to me, I still win nyah nyah nyah* too cool to care :D

Reminds me of an incident about managing my own expectations…..

The birthday girl refused to mingle with her party guests and I nagged and told her that I expect her to bear with it and to please leave her presents and come into the living room. I must have looked to her just like ms.DA-accountant is to me right now *maybe* She threw me such a mighty blow of attitude by brushing me off and had the cheek to sulk away. Who likes to be commented on in public so I took her away to the park to have a heart to heart talk. I asked why she was being how she is and she said, “Why did you scold me? Why must I always do what you say?" And I replied, “If you don’t want me to care or have expectations of you…its fine by me. You can do and think of whatever; and act on anything whenever and it’ll be okay for me. I’ll still love you as you are.” I painfully *with halted tears* explained to her why I insist on my ways is because i have expectations. It could be according to situations sometimes I might be jealous, it could be for selfish reasons and of course I’d always be questioning her every move and eventually we’ll have those spot on arguments because of my expectations. It is with that very reason that I care and i warned that my expectations could even rival those of famous lovers!…..only because I do love her and care. She sulked and refused to speak to me so we sat on that park bench till I made the decision for her and said from her actions, I think she’d be happier I didn’t have any expectations from her. I was crestfallen but I’d try anything to work things ‘our way’. And to prove it, I smiled and wiped those tears away from my eyes, picked up the cheeriness in my voice and told her to let’s walk back home. She doesn’t have to do what I tell her to do and I try my damnest not to even scold her for anything. IF that is what she wants. Or she could put up with my bluntness and oft-handed comments on my expectations as to how she should behave, think and feel because this relationship is going long term. Better set the perimeters down now before something bigger than either of us crops up.

It then rained and I took off my sweater to cover her pretty little head and I think that, that did it for her. Glad to report my 7 year old was smart *ENOUGH* and showed how much maturity she had by picking the other and said, “I want you to scold me mama. I don’t want you not to care.”

Wouldn’t a relationship without expectations be riddled with many doubts? Does she love me or not? Does she even care or not? But if that is so how you want it, I’d gladly oblige as who am I to say your point of view is anymore less right than mine :) why should such a small imperfection be the wedge of tension between us when its much better for the whole good that we try to accommodate and work out our differences *touché* I just ‘prefer’ a relationship with expectations as markers to guide us together and reach for the highest top of infinity together, rather than walk the plains of a soulless plateau to find out that its vastness will finally reach an end and then what’s left? Another oasis? Multiple orgasms are always better than phantamogarsmic ones init? >)

So thank you for appreciating my expectations for those who have, I will try to limit them to achievable ones and we’ll match it to your capabilities *its’ only right* and we’ll learn of each our limits together yes? All the while we shall have fun with stretching the short and long ends of our goals *claps hands* Back to now, so maybe this ms.DA-accountant is also setting her expectations of me as a new colleague? *heheheh* but I doubt so lar…people who have much fear face you with ultimatums. They give you no leeway for mistakes and have no room for discussions because they have stunted their own growth. They don’t like feedback either because it makes them seem weak rather than compassionate. So pay head peeps, the next time you have expectations from another, pay attention to exactly what you want and how you ask for it.

When someone tells you they are fine with NO EXPECTATIONS in your relationship, it could well be the sword that rips you in half. Or maybe not ;) it could just be that they are self flagellators! They have no expectations from you but only on themselves, the sight of their bloody pulp of a beaten heart at every not met request is proof of their love of you…….*gah!!!* and then they die a slow painful death smiling and what do you have left? If not just blood on your hands too.

I would really like to indulge in much more forlorn images of loneliness and isolation but life is already as drabby as it is so I’ll hold it in for those who matter :P

“To believe is to know you believe, and to know you believe is not to believe.” Jean Paul Sartre.

Stay sane peeps!!!
Amyemeelea