is to stay true to who you are and what to you is right. Our own prerogatives definitely and instead of trying to control situations, our willingness to be present emotionally and without judgments (please add with ALL the uncertainty that judgments can produce) is the way to go.
Online or offline.
The cat says to Alice in wonderland, “Bravery and I are not on intimate terms. My natural curiosity is tempered with caution – thus I've lived long. But now, ignoring my instinct to flee or fib, I speak the truth without regard to consequence. Your courage deserves no less. You've suffered great pain and you've caused some; you've endured deep grief and feelings of guilt; but you will be tested by a more wrenching anguish, Alice. There is worse to come. You and this Red Queen cannot both survive. You are two parts of the same..."
So of course you want to do what is right. Just as Alice often wonders why she is chasing after the rabbit and having to deal with the mad mad queen. She braved even the mysterious cat. Deep down just like Alice you will twist and turn to wrench away the knots in your belly as you take on life situations and tackle overblown perceptions which are often shallow. the cat reminds Alice yet again that her journey is not the end with but the cat does infuriate Alice with his clues. *muahaHA* Many a times, someone’s hurt feelings TEMPT us to say things we don’t really mean. The ignoramus will of course swallow it in literally when it’s not about what we said, its more about HOW we say it. The body will reveal hence solipsistic introjections will stay as introjections especially on the web. Meeting face to face and having a physical bond will seal the deal even more so. If your needs are different from what another person wants, it's okay to admit it as long as you do it kindly and without putting any blame on him or her in the process.
I say, my say or who says….be prudent ;) be brave…me is alice too...
and stay sane! if not saner than before you lil monkey!
amyemeelea *fazedunfazedbyallthehullaballooo*
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Monday, July 21, 2008
I defy you…
Recent developments around me makes me squirm uneasy. Have been trying to anchor down this dis-ease to something tangible, hopefully leaning towards the positive…then at the bottom of it all…the solution from digging and sorting through it all suggests that my power today lies in defiance. We are willing to reject the sure thing or accept excommunication to try to make it on our own rather than endure the status quo or submit to conditions that assume we are invisible -- in this, we have nothing to lose. We accept responsibility for the difficulties ahead and do not seek pity for having chosen against the grain. I am empowered by mutual support and my assets are self-worth, hope, and pride.
Analyse this!
Stay sane,
Amyemeelea
Analyse this!
Stay sane,
Amyemeelea
Saturday, July 19, 2008
The cacats..
“It is the feeling of inferiority, inadequacy and insecurity that determines the goal of an individual’s existence – Alfred Adler (1927) Understanding Human Nature.
So to you…maybe to shed more light on those feelings that are intensely convoluted, do what you do best and then shed it off. Revel in the feel of new skin as those tears awash you with feelings of humble gratitude. Be very afraid of what you wish for and then ask youself again if this is what life must be. More hurt, no meaning *arghhh!* and then the cry all the way falling down to the very bottom of your guts is just an indication of another growth spurt upwards ;)
Sometimes through this all which seems to have no end, you must remember that this is your life and should there is no one to pick you up and tell you the all is alright, close your eyes and you will see sparkles of light. Yeah, there is a very scientific explanation for that but then science does not explain everything. Do not believe for once that you will find answers because there are no answers. For all the truth that you seek, there will be biasness in action. Fight it internally so that it in turn can act as the protective shield that could only be yours and yours alone. No one can penetrate that if you won’t allow. But why should you put up barriers in the first place if the goal is to be known and understood?
I may be no saint and hell yes I could be certainly devilish but you, me and them we are all the same. There is no one side of the story and could we ever think of the infinitum of time? In the name of preparing for the worst and then go OOOPS! When we burst yet another artery *toolate* People die from aneurysms…like my mum did :) knowing you risky devil, you might just jump blind and take the leap of faith.
Believe and you will become…never underestimate your power.
Stay sane,
j@e *asyouknowme*
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Immediate reaction..
You are never going to have to worry about me anymore. Yeay!!!! Please worry more about your family and keep up the very good work as a husband, a brother and a son-in law. To whoever is your role model, I hope they will forever keep you in stead.
*bows*
Takyah lar nak cium tangan aku, tak pernah pon kau nak buat.
Jangan lar nak tiak aku pakai pangkat, oi dan ah aper nak pon ok. Lebih-lebih buat berat jer mulut tue.
Takmo lar pikirkan pasal masa depan aku, memang sudah tersurat pon. Masok kubur pong sorang jugak betol tak?
Tak perlu lar nak tanya khabar kita buat sedih kau jer. Harap kau sentiasa tenang.
Toksah lar nak marah-marah hentak-hentak meja nanti saper nak bayar kalau pecah.
Terima kasih banyak untuk segala moga Dia saje yang membalasnya *Amin*
Ehk! Jangan lupa tau! Kalau saper tanya cakap jer aku kan degil abeh bully kau mesti dorang percaya!
;D
Stay sane,
Aku dan aku dan aku….
*bows*
Takyah lar nak cium tangan aku, tak pernah pon kau nak buat.
Jangan lar nak tiak aku pakai pangkat, oi dan ah aper nak pon ok. Lebih-lebih buat berat jer mulut tue.
Takmo lar pikirkan pasal masa depan aku, memang sudah tersurat pon. Masok kubur pong sorang jugak betol tak?
Tak perlu lar nak tanya khabar kita buat sedih kau jer. Harap kau sentiasa tenang.
Toksah lar nak marah-marah hentak-hentak meja nanti saper nak bayar kalau pecah.
Terima kasih banyak untuk segala moga Dia saje yang membalasnya *Amin*
Ehk! Jangan lupa tau! Kalau saper tanya cakap jer aku kan degil abeh bully kau mesti dorang percaya!
;D
Stay sane,
Aku dan aku dan aku….
Friday, May 02, 2008
Men are Pigs…
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/index.php?term=pto-4231.html - Love’s Loopy Logic
“Women using a 'men are always pigs' decision-making rule may be more likely to actually end up with honest, committed, and long-term-seeking males," insists Geher.
I would hate to have to summaries but tell me please about what you think about the article linked. These past few days have been pretty tragic to say the least and my heart goes to You and You :) where I quote from our msn conversation, “At the end of the day, only you and you alone knows the state of your relationships and yes it is hard to know where it finally leads to…”
So have heart, the most important thing is not to be swishy washy with one’s decision. So for the most of us *ladies and gents inclusive* it is far better and more conclusive to hold firm to the clarity of white or the darkness pitch-black of reality to have a clearer mindset of what holds for each our destinies. While I truly agree that sometimes the toughest things we want to hold on to requires fierce fight but then walking away clean can be of a better option for most. In cases like myself, where as a single mum aka divorcee with extra baggage it all boils down to the future of the kids. We base most of our major decisions over their future rather than setting the future on ourselves. Again my che. J4S summarizes, “I know I need him and love him but at the end of the day I do not want to end up alone.” As compared to another’s stand where she feels that self confidence to move on with or without a partner is simply more realistic. I concur because why would you want to bear with the endless heartache of pondering over his non-commitment. But for the sake to maintain proprietry Who loses if everybody wants to win and haven’t you heard the biggest winners were losers first.
Men and women are simply ‘wired’ differently because men do not generally invest as much as women in a relationship hence the roving eyes BUT as the article pointed out again *for those gender sensitive* "Biased mechanisms are not design defects of the human mind, but rather design features," so the ladies to are prone to their own set of biases too *like for expecting too much hehe*. Most importantly is to be in the KNOW and use that knowhow to empower yourself optimally. *I see many pointing to me and going how IDEALISTIC!* but then why not? *ponderponder*
To Her who has been tested with one of her biggest hurdle yet, only time can tell the truth and I am totally against of banging hard on the table for a definitive future *unless set as guide* Which I know from our conversations to be ‘NOT LETTING HIM INTO YOUR LIFE AT ALL’ especially after all that has happened. “Men are Pigs - so move on psycho talk” can do only so much very temporary measure but the endless possibilities of seeing only a future open to ALL possibilities does much more. Think about it ;) Because at the end of the day, we are born to be so super resilient *points to evolution* and come what may, you have the power of fate in your hand and not all others. As you wish for me dear strength, I wish for the happiness of the Fool to follow you wherever it may lead you. Cry when you need to cry, hate if you must but LOVE even more even though it kills you to love and hurt those around you to do so. I do fail in this area miserably myself because some peeps are too hateful and vindictive to be deserving of such giving. Then please take tembak gajah satu *a big gun lar* and go shoot him in the head and do the rest of us a favor *muahahahaha* or simply if WE can, turn the other cheek for them to slap, insult and abuse. Just DON'T stick yourself in the rut only rot to stink to the highest of heavens with self inflicted woes will be to decide to waste the beautiful soul that you are.
And to che. J4S, I do hope you find that man who will forever stand by your side and be all that you want him to be because YES! We all deserve only the best. To view life so cynically can only mean that you are on the road to finding yourself the one most sought after. A man of integrity, honesty and loving who is committed to you long –term :) I certainly do enjoy your brutal love tactics but I can’t bear the thought of having another’s death on my conscience *hehe* because we never know how fragile another is. Statiscally, those who do threaten to jump and die WILL jump and die as opposed to the current belief that they are only crying wolf. Life is sacred *blush* however jahat *naughty* I am. It is naughty but nice ;) NOT jahat as in EVIL! *gahhh!* I have grown older therefore sappy *blueeek*
For me…although ‘sederhana’ *moderation* is to some BORING, simply too safe or maybe too strict in certain areas; I seek your understanding to let me give it a try because I like it. And I am happy with just the way things are. I have accepted the fact that should I end up alone due to age, my emo-fits or simply for being just me. I take heart that I have given the other *and all that comes with him* the chance and benefit of the doubt to give US a try and for myself the chance to experience love in its many manifestations. As I always remind myself there is always a better tomorrow! And there is justice for all! *queue song from metallica to head bang to*
Oh! For the record I do too have my limits and for one can’t tolerate abuse of power if we are to to build and lobby for a better future hence I’d like to promote the belief that one should be vulnerably strong. Vulnerable to rejection, competition and fierceness of criticism *ahems* but ALSO strong to hold forte to my center and ground myself in the endless splendors of infinite possibilities to go further into the abyss of positive unknowns. Try getting drilled at 5am about SOPs on how to remember to put yourself in another’s shoes and you’d see what I mean. I feel so stupid and powerless but then I am humbly grateful to overcome that moment with compassion and more understanding for another.
Women are Pigs too! \m/
Stay sane,
Amyemeelea
“Women using a 'men are always pigs' decision-making rule may be more likely to actually end up with honest, committed, and long-term-seeking males," insists Geher.
I would hate to have to summaries but tell me please about what you think about the article linked. These past few days have been pretty tragic to say the least and my heart goes to You and You :) where I quote from our msn conversation, “At the end of the day, only you and you alone knows the state of your relationships and yes it is hard to know where it finally leads to…”
So have heart, the most important thing is not to be swishy washy with one’s decision. So for the most of us *ladies and gents inclusive* it is far better and more conclusive to hold firm to the clarity of white or the darkness pitch-black of reality to have a clearer mindset of what holds for each our destinies. While I truly agree that sometimes the toughest things we want to hold on to requires fierce fight but then walking away clean can be of a better option for most. In cases like myself, where as a single mum aka divorcee with extra baggage it all boils down to the future of the kids. We base most of our major decisions over their future rather than setting the future on ourselves. Again my che. J4S summarizes, “I know I need him and love him but at the end of the day I do not want to end up alone.” As compared to another’s stand where she feels that self confidence to move on with or without a partner is simply more realistic. I concur because why would you want to bear with the endless heartache of pondering over his non-commitment. But for the sake to maintain proprietry Who loses if everybody wants to win and haven’t you heard the biggest winners were losers first.
Men and women are simply ‘wired’ differently because men do not generally invest as much as women in a relationship hence the roving eyes BUT as the article pointed out again *for those gender sensitive* "Biased mechanisms are not design defects of the human mind, but rather design features," so the ladies to are prone to their own set of biases too *like for expecting too much hehe*. Most importantly is to be in the KNOW and use that knowhow to empower yourself optimally. *I see many pointing to me and going how IDEALISTIC!* but then why not? *ponderponder*
To Her who has been tested with one of her biggest hurdle yet, only time can tell the truth and I am totally against of banging hard on the table for a definitive future *unless set as guide* Which I know from our conversations to be ‘NOT LETTING HIM INTO YOUR LIFE AT ALL’ especially after all that has happened. “Men are Pigs - so move on psycho talk” can do only so much very temporary measure but the endless possibilities of seeing only a future open to ALL possibilities does much more. Think about it ;) Because at the end of the day, we are born to be so super resilient *points to evolution* and come what may, you have the power of fate in your hand and not all others. As you wish for me dear strength, I wish for the happiness of the Fool to follow you wherever it may lead you. Cry when you need to cry, hate if you must but LOVE even more even though it kills you to love and hurt those around you to do so. I do fail in this area miserably myself because some peeps are too hateful and vindictive to be deserving of such giving. Then please take tembak gajah satu *a big gun lar* and go shoot him in the head and do the rest of us a favor *muahahahaha* or simply if WE can, turn the other cheek for them to slap, insult and abuse. Just DON'T stick yourself in the rut only rot to stink to the highest of heavens with self inflicted woes will be to decide to waste the beautiful soul that you are.
And to che. J4S, I do hope you find that man who will forever stand by your side and be all that you want him to be because YES! We all deserve only the best. To view life so cynically can only mean that you are on the road to finding yourself the one most sought after. A man of integrity, honesty and loving who is committed to you long –term :) I certainly do enjoy your brutal love tactics but I can’t bear the thought of having another’s death on my conscience *hehe* because we never know how fragile another is. Statiscally, those who do threaten to jump and die WILL jump and die as opposed to the current belief that they are only crying wolf. Life is sacred *blush* however jahat *naughty* I am. It is naughty but nice ;) NOT jahat as in EVIL! *gahhh!* I have grown older therefore sappy *blueeek*
For me…although ‘sederhana’ *moderation* is to some BORING, simply too safe or maybe too strict in certain areas; I seek your understanding to let me give it a try because I like it. And I am happy with just the way things are. I have accepted the fact that should I end up alone due to age, my emo-fits or simply for being just me. I take heart that I have given the other *and all that comes with him* the chance and benefit of the doubt to give US a try and for myself the chance to experience love in its many manifestations. As I always remind myself there is always a better tomorrow! And there is justice for all! *queue song from metallica to head bang to*
Oh! For the record I do too have my limits and for one can’t tolerate abuse of power if we are to to build and lobby for a better future hence I’d like to promote the belief that one should be vulnerably strong. Vulnerable to rejection, competition and fierceness of criticism *ahems* but ALSO strong to hold forte to my center and ground myself in the endless splendors of infinite possibilities to go further into the abyss of positive unknowns. Try getting drilled at 5am about SOPs on how to remember to put yourself in another’s shoes and you’d see what I mean. I feel so stupid and powerless but then I am humbly grateful to overcome that moment with compassion and more understanding for another.
Women are Pigs too! \m/
Stay sane,
Amyemeelea
Thursday, April 17, 2008
don't sweat the love songs...
ESPECIALLY if they belong to others :p
you know those nights you listen to the radio and then their dedications where your thoughts swirl about you and if you smoke, the sweet cloying smell of tobacco wafts up your nostrils and go poke-poke your brains and then you wonder...
you wonder and then wander...IF the are no big biting dogs in your neighbourhood that is *hehe*
le mew once wrote something along the lines of you learn your mistakes through the mistakes of others and then some who will go like how you learn with others bla bla bla...then there's still somemore who go, you are who you are....JOM! let's go diss and piss over the others >) ....bla bla bla...gosh...otey..i just realised the words don't roll off easy now because i am thinking about my packet of nasi lemak in my drawer. meant for breakfast but well oh well...
*continue ramble*
frivolous thoughts versus non frivolous-serious-you-can-learn-something-from-this-thinking...or for that matter these writings of mine. well~~~~~~~ for those who do get it and WANT to get it. I thank you many many *hugspowwsters* and if you do find me sniffing around your love songs, PLEASE don't hesitate to SHOO me away. Just pretend and think of me as just another radio listener out there who probably doesn't have an intresting love life such as yours :p
i guess moral of the story is or the whole point of this entry is......wait...MUST every story have and ending? a good ending? a proper ending? or an ending?!!! me digressing here.....moral of this entry IS *jeng jeng jeng*
"I don't sweat, I pespire!" *muahahah* i can see many going, " WHAT THA H#$$^&$%@#$&*( siak!" *makes peace sign*
powwsters - by taking the time and making the efforts to reply with songs, again you proved to be 'da -bombed' in the music department that is and not as in kena bomb by terrorist but now! i get to know more songs and they cured me of my sick affliction to that coldplay song! *yeay!!doesaflip* i am able to enjoy the song again and release my sordid affair with other peeples love songs. i'll concentrate on mine now. danke, das ist gut!!! *did i get that right?*
biks - i know i hold on to certain topics too long~~~~and will write more! i want to say i TRY to write more but then it doesn't hold as much conviction as 'I will". there is a question of also I don't want to make promises anyhow, wait i dosa because tak fufill! but i tell you this...i have every 'intention' to do the right thing and will stand by my main objective of 'keeping up with times and those who want to matter' via this blog.
this street is two way! NOT syaing that one-ways do not serve any purpose. everything HAS meaning! All happens for a reason...kan kan kan jonet kaaaaaaaan?~
and i leave you my LOVE song of the moment!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_RgL2MKfWTo- *ikeeeenleeeeeeeee*
ehk sorie ehk....i have to learn how to make pretty-pretty this blog-o-mine and do all those neat tricks with html ijit?!!!
stay sane,
jahatamyemeelea
you know those nights you listen to the radio and then their dedications where your thoughts swirl about you and if you smoke, the sweet cloying smell of tobacco wafts up your nostrils and go poke-poke your brains and then you wonder...
you wonder and then wander...IF the are no big biting dogs in your neighbourhood that is *hehe*
le mew once wrote something along the lines of you learn your mistakes through the mistakes of others and then some who will go like how you learn with others bla bla bla...then there's still somemore who go, you are who you are....JOM! let's go diss and piss over the others >) ....bla bla bla...gosh...otey..i just realised the words don't roll off easy now because i am thinking about my packet of nasi lemak in my drawer. meant for breakfast but well oh well...
*continue ramble*
frivolous thoughts versus non frivolous-serious-you-can-learn-something-from-this-thinking...or for that matter these writings of mine. well~~~~~~~ for those who do get it and WANT to get it. I thank you many many *hugspowwsters* and if you do find me sniffing around your love songs, PLEASE don't hesitate to SHOO me away. Just pretend and think of me as just another radio listener out there who probably doesn't have an intresting love life such as yours :p
i guess moral of the story is or the whole point of this entry is......wait...MUST every story have and ending? a good ending? a proper ending? or an ending?!!! me digressing here.....moral of this entry IS *jeng jeng jeng*
"I don't sweat, I pespire!" *muahahah* i can see many going, " WHAT THA H#$$^&$%@#$&*( siak!" *makes peace sign*
powwsters - by taking the time and making the efforts to reply with songs, again you proved to be 'da -bombed' in the music department that is and not as in kena bomb by terrorist but now! i get to know more songs and they cured me of my sick affliction to that coldplay song! *yeay!!doesaflip* i am able to enjoy the song again and release my sordid affair with other peeples love songs. i'll concentrate on mine now. danke, das ist gut!!! *did i get that right?*
biks - i know i hold on to certain topics too long~~~~and will write more! i want to say i TRY to write more but then it doesn't hold as much conviction as 'I will". there is a question of also I don't want to make promises anyhow, wait i dosa because tak fufill! but i tell you this...i have every 'intention' to do the right thing and will stand by my main objective of 'keeping up with times and those who want to matter' via this blog.
this street is two way! NOT syaing that one-ways do not serve any purpose. everything HAS meaning! All happens for a reason...kan kan kan jonet kaaaaaaaan?~
and i leave you my LOVE song of the moment!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_RgL2MKfWTo- *ikeeeenleeeeeeeee*
ehk sorie ehk....i have to learn how to make pretty-pretty this blog-o-mine and do all those neat tricks with html ijit?!!!
stay sane,
jahatamyemeelea
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
mental wax vs ear wax...
In My Place
In my place, in my place,
Were lines that I couldn't change
I was lost, oh yeah.
I was lost, I was lost,
Crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed,
I was lost, oh yeah.
And yeah, how long must you wait for it?
Yeah, how long must you pay for it?
Yeah, how long must you wait for it?
I was scared, I was scared,
Tired and under prepared,
But I wait for it.
And if you go, if you go,
Leave me down here on my own,
Then I'll wait for you, yeah.
Yeah, how long must you wait for it?
Yeah, how long must you pay for it?
Yeah, how long must you wait for it?
Oh for it
Sing it please, please, please,
Come back and sing to me,
To me, me.
- Coldplay, A Rush of Blood (2002)
I had mistaken this song with another song called clocks also by Coldplay. Then later I thought it was sang by Radiohead. It was only yesterday when I heard the song again, I knew exactly of its origins and because I have a sick affinity with the song, I googled for the above lyrics and got these. I like the song, it’s haunting and it’s sad. I mean it’s a fucking love song right? Basically, guy lost gal because he did something terribly wrong. Blamed it on being lost *don’tweall* then assuaged the guilt off by taking all the blame to hopefully have the gal forgive him and take him back. A bit later he reasoned that he was tired and not prepared *prrft* But the loop and pull to the song is in the repeated chorus. Where he asked how, how, how? It hints that this separation was mutual and still unresolved. And what about the huge ‘IF’ there at her leaving? So they haven’t broken up? They are on a-break *thinkepisodefriendsrachelandross* perhaps? Then you can’t also NOT wonder why the she must be waiting and paying for the separation? It was a matter that was beyond their control maybe? It’s Romeo and Juliet!!! *slapsforehead* Obviously the song is an open dialogue between two lovers and that he is reminding her to be strong and that he will be very patient till they can find the solution to their separation. He can’t help her maybe because if he could then why is he doing all the pleading and the whining? When one decides to wait and see *andthensingsome* doesn’t that mean, “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn. BUT if you do come by this way for whatever reason, I’ll be more than happy to let’s pick up from where we have left and have some fun”. So isn’t this song a rah-rah-cheer-on-I-am-reminding-you-I’ll-be-here-now-and-forever-kinda-song? Very befitting a scene in Romeo and Juliet yes? *sigh* so tragic! So romantic! *sobsobsob* can feel all the blood rushing to my head now.
BUT what I am really truly interested in is WHAT could the reply to this song be?
stay sane,
jahatamyemeelea
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
More chasing..
“If you continue to pursue that which is outside of yourself, the pursuit will always seem to be elusive….” – Sojourns Of the Soul, Kim Koenig 1989
In the spirit of things and not wanting to sound like a wet blanket, when you attempt to understand something of which you know nothing, you open up your brain-mind structure to allow reception of information from your friends. So don’t suddenly clam up and tell me I don’t get what you mean or want to do. That I have suddenly read it all wrong and went goo goo gaga over some misconstrued words. I can take it as an insult to my intelligence and of course as your friend be highly annoyed to be lead to believe that suddenly I don’t understand you at all.
You of all people should know how far and strong our consciousness’ can travel but if you now wish to limit that too; confined merely within a circle then I am so wrong to be included in the conversation. Certain subjects are just meant to fly, that’s where you can find the answers that might have eluded you. Which is why I guess it’s never a good idea to mix business with pleasure and I will also include leisure. And which is why I never liked to put a lid on anything under the sun when all it needs to grow is respect and space for it to expand. Whether it chooses to go down under or up way to the sky will be the your will that shapes its course.
Where did your spirit go? Untie the ties that bind and let it feel and grope the darkness that envelop you. Do not be afraid that it might be too convoluted. Do not stop to explain yourself. Wasn’t that your advice for me? But I understand the ramifications of NOT being understood. The desire and of WANTING to be understood explicitly and simply is the current trend. GO ZEN! *bleargh!!!!*
No fun lar…I rather go speak to a parrot. Who can MIME on REPEAT mode *hmmpf* and dance the Macarena when prompted >) or I can sigh away and pretend that I am really stupid for not feeling what you are feeling and thinking what you are thinking. Were you expecting a NO COMMENTS form me? Or maybe you prefer for me to lead you on aimlessly with random cut and paste links to nowhere near my own thoughts are, so that you ‘think’ I am on the same boat, riding the same wave as you are? It doesn’t take a genius to know that you depend on others for yourself to grow. Honesty is like acute diarrhea isn’t it? Stopitsiak! Since when did I become that plug up your ass? Let it goooooooooooooooo~~~~ the runs needs to expel the bad that is in you. Bad turn to good is not impossibility. Impossible is when you limit yourself. It is when you put up signs to say ‘STOP’ in the name of love or some other entity. You don’t have to thank me now. I know you’d do me the same favor if I was having the runs. I doubt you’d plug yourself up my ass just because you are scared that I’d shit in my pants. I know you’d probably lead me to a good doctor somewhere and have me see that too much raw seafood is bad bad bad. And see to that I’d never visit the same stall again!
For now, I await your honest to goodness thoughts on what is so so close to you heart for when you can trust yourself to be OPENLY conscious with me. I never minded when there was or wasn’t any others, why should you now?
Till then…..
Stay sane,
jahatamyemeelea
In the spirit of things and not wanting to sound like a wet blanket, when you attempt to understand something of which you know nothing, you open up your brain-mind structure to allow reception of information from your friends. So don’t suddenly clam up and tell me I don’t get what you mean or want to do. That I have suddenly read it all wrong and went goo goo gaga over some misconstrued words. I can take it as an insult to my intelligence and of course as your friend be highly annoyed to be lead to believe that suddenly I don’t understand you at all.
You of all people should know how far and strong our consciousness’ can travel but if you now wish to limit that too; confined merely within a circle then I am so wrong to be included in the conversation. Certain subjects are just meant to fly, that’s where you can find the answers that might have eluded you. Which is why I guess it’s never a good idea to mix business with pleasure and I will also include leisure. And which is why I never liked to put a lid on anything under the sun when all it needs to grow is respect and space for it to expand. Whether it chooses to go down under or up way to the sky will be the your will that shapes its course.
Where did your spirit go? Untie the ties that bind and let it feel and grope the darkness that envelop you. Do not be afraid that it might be too convoluted. Do not stop to explain yourself. Wasn’t that your advice for me? But I understand the ramifications of NOT being understood. The desire and of WANTING to be understood explicitly and simply is the current trend. GO ZEN! *bleargh!!!!*
No fun lar…I rather go speak to a parrot. Who can MIME on REPEAT mode *hmmpf* and dance the Macarena when prompted >) or I can sigh away and pretend that I am really stupid for not feeling what you are feeling and thinking what you are thinking. Were you expecting a NO COMMENTS form me? Or maybe you prefer for me to lead you on aimlessly with random cut and paste links to nowhere near my own thoughts are, so that you ‘think’ I am on the same boat, riding the same wave as you are? It doesn’t take a genius to know that you depend on others for yourself to grow. Honesty is like acute diarrhea isn’t it? Stopitsiak! Since when did I become that plug up your ass? Let it goooooooooooooooo~~~~ the runs needs to expel the bad that is in you. Bad turn to good is not impossibility. Impossible is when you limit yourself. It is when you put up signs to say ‘STOP’ in the name of love or some other entity. You don’t have to thank me now. I know you’d do me the same favor if I was having the runs. I doubt you’d plug yourself up my ass just because you are scared that I’d shit in my pants. I know you’d probably lead me to a good doctor somewhere and have me see that too much raw seafood is bad bad bad. And see to that I’d never visit the same stall again!
For now, I await your honest to goodness thoughts on what is so so close to you heart for when you can trust yourself to be OPENLY conscious with me. I never minded when there was or wasn’t any others, why should you now?
Till then…..
Stay sane,
jahatamyemeelea
Monday, March 10, 2008
Inability..
I had wanted to write about Bali. The sun the sea the sand the friends the food and the ALL but in the end Bali and all its impressions will live only in our memories. The pictures say it all and from the feedback I have heard; interpretations of Bali have gone around. I got bitch slapped for divulging my perspective to another and it smarts! She had a major case point; trust was the MAIN issue here. Can we trust the people we divulge our innermost feelings to? Never mind the instrument we use to relay our messages or our intentions why. One must learn to practice discernment effectively. And because of their fears….and my sudden reluctance to have my perspective known, Bali will not be written.
Rocket Rhinestone was a success! Powwster’s fotos were a hit and Le mew’s sockos made their appearance. I did what I could have and most of all the terrors had their day. Terror 1 when told of my participation actually thought I had done up a painting or some craft or sorts till I told her that my contribution was merely in words. She picked up the cue to begin writing herself and as a sampler came up with :-
“Cats creep and cats leap
Until they scored a mouse to eat
And then they like to lie and sleep”
– Terror 1, 29th Feb 2008
I almost didn’t pick them up for the event because I had doubts that the kids would enjoy themselves but in the end, it was all that we could talk about that night till 1am. Terror 1 was more inspired in her art and gained more confidence being around adults. She gained the most points that night for behaving and for show of maturity. Terror 2 displayed his cheeky side and had a rough time adjusting to the noise. He isn’t much of a ‘band fan’ since he was a baby anyway but what a field day he had with the nachos and cheese! Terror 3 took a little bit if time to warm up and initially wanted to go home but auntie poww came to save the day with gumballs! *hehehehe* All in all, I am glad everything turned out to be great. Another experiment with no expectations and I am vary satisfied with its outcome. I made many new friends and got to spend quality time with those who matter and those were my main focus. Bobby and shikino turned up to support! What more could I have asked for : )
Till then…
Stay sane,
Jahatamyemeelea
Rocket Rhinestone was a success! Powwster’s fotos were a hit and Le mew’s sockos made their appearance. I did what I could have and most of all the terrors had their day. Terror 1 when told of my participation actually thought I had done up a painting or some craft or sorts till I told her that my contribution was merely in words. She picked up the cue to begin writing herself and as a sampler came up with :-
“Cats creep and cats leap
Until they scored a mouse to eat
And then they like to lie and sleep”
– Terror 1, 29th Feb 2008
I almost didn’t pick them up for the event because I had doubts that the kids would enjoy themselves but in the end, it was all that we could talk about that night till 1am. Terror 1 was more inspired in her art and gained more confidence being around adults. She gained the most points that night for behaving and for show of maturity. Terror 2 displayed his cheeky side and had a rough time adjusting to the noise. He isn’t much of a ‘band fan’ since he was a baby anyway but what a field day he had with the nachos and cheese! Terror 3 took a little bit if time to warm up and initially wanted to go home but auntie poww came to save the day with gumballs! *hehehehe* All in all, I am glad everything turned out to be great. Another experiment with no expectations and I am vary satisfied with its outcome. I made many new friends and got to spend quality time with those who matter and those were my main focus. Bobby and shikino turned up to support! What more could I have asked for : )
Till then…
Stay sane,
Jahatamyemeelea
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
2008!
The beginning of the end or end of a beginning.
‘The minute people are unjust to you they have already lost the fight. The moment they attack you they have lost the war. The moment they try to hurt you, to humiliate you, to bully you, to disgrace you, to destroy you, to invalidate you, that moment they have lost the truth. They have lost all protection. That moment they surrender all their power and authority to you, and they do not know it yet. Their end is certain. Their defeat becomes inevitable. The rest is time’s doing. So carry on your business, be serene, follow your conscience, and have no fear. The laws that operate in the world are invisible laws, and they are greater than the force and powers of men and women. On these laws you can depend. Some kill a little thing, and invite a mighty storm on their heads that wipes them out. Take pity on those who try to destroy you, and try to forgive them because what they call upon themselves is too terrible to withstand. It is better to endure their stupidity sometimes than to be part of that greater force which will wipe out whole people, yourself, maybe, included. And sometimes it is better to fight, for their own good, to stop a greater and more implacable army of the invisible from doing your fighting for you. And so, for now, go about your business, and let’s see what time brings, may daughter.’
~Ben Okri, Starbook
in a few hours time a new year will begin and unfold. I can sense the anticipation, the rush of excitement and the buzz of euphoria. Yet who knows what will unfold in 2008 ;)
The above paragraph I thought expressed my year for 2007. I am still homeless. Yet to graduate and failed my plans there too. I am still a single mum without her kids and struggling to be a mom. I hoped I had been a good friend but I know in some cases I have not been at all. Work has been my hardest hurdle for 2007 with its many multi faceted challenges, mostly coming from myself. Love is still a powerful enigma and will ever work its will on my soul. Personally I wish it could all have been better but even if I had a chance to relive 2007 again, I wouldn’t know if better would be best.
I have been blessed and will always feel blessed. All that has happened will happen perhaps again and again till I learn. Only I can try to forgive more even myself and be better prepared. The strongest bonds are forged in the hottest and harshest fire and sometimes detachments to none eternal must be endured to climb further up higher and higher. Fear we must overcome with determination and strength from within, no matter who, what, why, when and how it shows its face. For as long as our conscience is clear, we’d understand that those who do not fight and yet claim glory in their cowardly is of a use too.
Aren’t we all the weirdos attracted to the weirdo magnet *batokbatok* love all love small *lol* to all a happy new year and a happy birthday to terror 1 and myself!!!!!!!! and of course to my dearest queen of pentacles, to you especially….in light of what has just passed and will pass. May 2008 be your beginning to an end, as well as a beginning to never end.
I heart all of you and our warmest regards with hopes of many well wishes for 2008
Stay sane,
Jahatamyemeelea & the 3 Terrors
‘The minute people are unjust to you they have already lost the fight. The moment they attack you they have lost the war. The moment they try to hurt you, to humiliate you, to bully you, to disgrace you, to destroy you, to invalidate you, that moment they have lost the truth. They have lost all protection. That moment they surrender all their power and authority to you, and they do not know it yet. Their end is certain. Their defeat becomes inevitable. The rest is time’s doing. So carry on your business, be serene, follow your conscience, and have no fear. The laws that operate in the world are invisible laws, and they are greater than the force and powers of men and women. On these laws you can depend. Some kill a little thing, and invite a mighty storm on their heads that wipes them out. Take pity on those who try to destroy you, and try to forgive them because what they call upon themselves is too terrible to withstand. It is better to endure their stupidity sometimes than to be part of that greater force which will wipe out whole people, yourself, maybe, included. And sometimes it is better to fight, for their own good, to stop a greater and more implacable army of the invisible from doing your fighting for you. And so, for now, go about your business, and let’s see what time brings, may daughter.’
~Ben Okri, Starbook
in a few hours time a new year will begin and unfold. I can sense the anticipation, the rush of excitement and the buzz of euphoria. Yet who knows what will unfold in 2008 ;)
The above paragraph I thought expressed my year for 2007. I am still homeless. Yet to graduate and failed my plans there too. I am still a single mum without her kids and struggling to be a mom. I hoped I had been a good friend but I know in some cases I have not been at all. Work has been my hardest hurdle for 2007 with its many multi faceted challenges, mostly coming from myself. Love is still a powerful enigma and will ever work its will on my soul. Personally I wish it could all have been better but even if I had a chance to relive 2007 again, I wouldn’t know if better would be best.
I have been blessed and will always feel blessed. All that has happened will happen perhaps again and again till I learn. Only I can try to forgive more even myself and be better prepared. The strongest bonds are forged in the hottest and harshest fire and sometimes detachments to none eternal must be endured to climb further up higher and higher. Fear we must overcome with determination and strength from within, no matter who, what, why, when and how it shows its face. For as long as our conscience is clear, we’d understand that those who do not fight and yet claim glory in their cowardly is of a use too.
Aren’t we all the weirdos attracted to the weirdo magnet *batokbatok* love all love small *lol* to all a happy new year and a happy birthday to terror 1 and myself!!!!!!!! and of course to my dearest queen of pentacles, to you especially….in light of what has just passed and will pass. May 2008 be your beginning to an end, as well as a beginning to never end.
I heart all of you and our warmest regards with hopes of many well wishes for 2008
Stay sane,
Saturday, December 15, 2007
just don't...
"What doesn't transmit light creates its own darkness - Marcus Aurelius"
A simple phone call..
I heard her puffing away on over the crackling line and we chatted over the trivialities. The sky was overcast and we agreed that in this melancholic weather there was nothing better but a hot cup of killer java and curling clove smoke from our cigarettes to churn out the best that we could ever on the problems of the mind and soul over Microsoft words in APA format. I laughed and she giggled contentedly. Testing our dialectical prowess with the topic, 'sex and creativity' we came to a conclusion that sex is best as a reward but does zilch to aid creativity. The only creativity before, during and after sex is in the imaginary realm. To be more specific; the only creativity will be of the very selfish kind. We laughed some more to that and toasted our conclusions with a verbal hi-five!!!
The seconds were ticking away. Our short break was ending soon and the shot of inhaled caffeine was kicking in. with another exhale she confided in me. Her voice was steady but the cracks were slowly creeping in. I had to focus and listen intently on what she wanted to say because she was slowly fading away through the mumble grumbles. She was on the verge of making a decision and was losing her hold on relativity. She wanted closure and tried on her own to search for her own closure but her short bouts of introspection was only blurring the lines of subjectivity and objectivity. Not to mention her decided on end goal was starting feel as if it could drift far far away. I called her bluff and encouraged her to call in her inner strength and prodded her for the dilemma. Her breathing became slow and I heard another crick from her lighter. I followed suit and went to my room to be the crutch she's expecting me to be.
Silence was mandatory. Melati apologized and excused herself to get a drink of water. She came back to the phone and sighed nonchalantly.
She then started and told me in a pitch so off tuned, which signaled her wavering self belief that she didn't know if by choosing herself over spending time with her dying mum was such a good idea. I asked if this was a choice between the noumenal (things in themselves) and the phenomenal world (conscious experience)? She said maybe it was because her will to survive her decision to finish this diploma was interfering with her daily commitments. Especially those with her estranged mother, who is living away from her. Making this even worse was the fact that her mom was slowly fading, suffering in quiet patience with a husband who didn't care anymore. Her cancer was making itself more pronounced and she has been erratic with her moods. Although her mother fully understands and supports her daughter's determination to secure a future through education by always smiling and being serene whenever melati was around. Melati knew her mother deep down felt abandoned. She had made this known to melati before but she accepted that this was just the way it has to be for this while. Melati needed to do what needed to be done now alternating school and work in order to be financially independent so that she can take care of her mum in the near future. She needed to secure her identity and her future to enable her to rescue her mom from bleak existence. Both lived in desperation, hungry for security and this ate into their love. No matter how empathetic and compassionate their discourses and play to be, there was always dissension.
And today it happened again. She told me she could feel her heart bleeding painfully. I sucked harder on my fag, bracing myself for her surefire tears.
Melati was to see her mum tomorrow for a weekend out. She had already decided earlier on that she'd have to probably get her sister to stand in for her this week. She’d be there but due to pressing datelines and the stress of exams, melati would not be able to stay nights. Her own place was a mess and she wasn't in the right mind to be able to concentrate on mother. Mom has needs and after a short discussion, her ever affable sister offered to stand in for melati. She even offered to pick mom up so that melati didn't have to rush to and fro from home and even offered her place so that melati didn't have to clean up. Reluctantly melati agreed because it has been weeks and she did miss mom. With all her up and downs, her offbeat eccentricity and her knack for cloying extremes, melati figured she'd be able to fleet through another draining weekend without dropping dead on Monday. All because she firmly believed, quality was better than quantity so she mustered the energy to call her step dad to arrange to pick mom up tomorrow. Her mom answered the phone and she surprised melati by telling her that she has plans this weekend so they'd have to postpone their weekend date together to next week. Surprised but slightly relieved too, Melati told her mom that she too had exams and wanted to postpone but had already made arrangements with Ida (her sister) so as not to interrupt their weekend together. Hadn’t they promised that no matter how busy, they would always try to meet regularly? In the background she heard her step dad's chatter but suddenly with a distant shout her mother suddenly hung up. Melati was relieved at the sudden turn of events but she was suspiciously worried too after that short phone call. Melati doesn't have any respect for her step dad. Not one iota, she just tolerated his existence all this while because after all, he is her mom's lawful husband. She knew that he was just making use of mom as a slave and mere substitute of a wife at home. Her step dad was getting a married to a second wife but since mom approved, melati could only seethe in a distance. She didn't want to interfere because they all had to live their own lives. She cooled her own temper with her dreams of taking care of her mom as soon as she could buy her own place and give her mom the refuge that she longs for. So with those trailing thoughts she made another call and her step dad answered. Gruffly without any apologies he told melati to pick her mom up tomorrow and that her mom could stay with her till Wednesday. She said it was impossible because she'd be working on Monday but said she'd try to accommodate because melati was just too tired to argue with this obstinate man. Another call to her sister confirmed that it would be all right for mom to stay till Wednesday so she called again to confirm. This time her mom was whining painfully, begging to be taken away from this hateful man. Apparently, the old ogre was going off on a tour with his friends. Her mom wasn't included because she had her doctor appointments to meet next week. So the hateful man was just going to leave her with Melati to take care of her needs while he goes happily gallivanting away. Her mom thought she was to follow which was why she cancelled earlier but then later to her dissapointment, to be told oterwise. She wasn't coming with him. Melati tried to calm her down and said it will be all okay soon so asked to speak to the ogre and see if they could come to a compromise. She tried to use this opportunity as leverage and bargain to see mom for later dates. Apparently, it has been difficult for her mom to get away because who would then be there to cook and clean and care for the ogre if she's away. But the arrogant hateful old man was as always, non-committal. They ended the conversation with her resigned and he triumphant as always.
By now her voice was pitching higher and higher. Her nostrils flaring fire for all I know and tears strained her sentences making it harder to me to follow her train of thoughts. I wanted to stay rational but it was difficult not to get emotional. Hearing her seesawing in between alternate states threw me off kilter from my own center. She was on one hand angry that her step dad was always taking advantage of her need to see her mom. She was always giving in and she could never plan for proper dates and things to do because of instances like these. She always tried hard and sacrificed her own time and feelings to be able to build on the shreds of relationship she had with her mom. She never minded till now where she felt that she didn't want to be made use of anymore. She had to stop and swallow her tears I imagined and I didn't stop her. I only told her to keep going on because I felt she needed to let it all out. I could feel her frustrations on tethers and she was broken raw. She told me she had all the mind to tell the old man to fuck off and he take care of mom this weekend. She believed she all the right to refuse and take this time to fully concentrate and finish what she had to do so that she can fully make up with a smashing outing with her mom next week. She was almost screaming now and she at times she wasn't breathing. I think she was controlling her anger but instead she swallowed in gulps of air to control herself because she didn't want to turn me deaf. She let out a few expletives directed at her step dad and then her voice dipped to a mere whisper and it slinked together into her spiraling depression.
I understood her dilemma now and reminded her that intelligent beings suffer the most. I reminded her that in Schopenhauer's view, suffering varies with awareness. Plants suffer no pain because they lack awareness. The lowest species of animals and insects suffer some, and the higher animals suffer still more. Humans, of course suffer the most, especially the most intelligent humans. "In much wisdom is much grief; and he that increath knowledge increath sorrow - Book of Ecclesiastes or commonly known as the Bible" Then added that therefore, in proportion as knowledge attains distinctness, consciousness is enhanced, pain also increases, and consequently reaches to its highest degree in man; and all the more, the more distinctly he knows, and the more intelligent he is. The person in whom genius is to be found suffers most of all. - Schopenhauer 1818/1966 Vol. 1, p. 310) I needed myself to get on that higher plane so that I could save her from her despair. It was clearly important to her to spend time with her mom and it was equally if not more pressing for her to graduate with flying colors to end of all their beginnings. I understood too how these mere momentary feelings of being useless no matter how painful would disappear. Her pessimism was tearing her apart and that was normal. Fulfillment eludes all of us because all willing (our decisions) springs from deficiency, and thus from suffering. Fulfillment brings this to an end; yet for one wish that is fulfilled there remain at least ten that are denied. None attained object of willing can give a satisfaction that lasts and no longer declines. We are like beggars having alms thrown at us, which reprieves us today so that our misery might be prolonged tomorrow. I was still calm but she was not getting near where I was. It was getting darker outside and the rumble in the sky gave clue to the stormy skies ahead.
She argued that either way she feels guilty. She picks up her mom and feels guilty for not being there in full. She has to impose on her sister to do most of the work when it is her turn and responsibility to take care of her. She called herself the worst ever daughter because she could be worrying about how she couldn't meet her datelines and feeling tired was utmost on her head when her mom was to be her first priority. But then she knows that by giving in to the ogre this time and all the times before she has placed herself in the most vulnerable position she have imagined. The ogre has already made it known that she was to see her mom only as and when he agrees or at his whim and fancy. She feels mad that her mom was being treated like an object and even more so that she was supporting his ideas by even trying to bargain for what was her full rights. A daughter. It doesn't matter that they are living the life of any broken family, this was getting on her very nerves and she fear that she might blow up or breakdown. How to if her mom was in the precarious balance? I had to stop her by telling how much she is starting to sound like our case studies in class but she did stop to listen.
I wanted to slam down on her. I couldn't take the whining and wanted to shout at her to shock her out of distress. And if I was standing right in front of her slap her hard. I was glaring down on the mouthpiece and the corner of my mouth felt tight because I felt what she felt and it was unbearable listening to her sobbing like a small girl when I know she was made up of much much more than this. I wanted to tell her to do what she feels is right. Tell the old fucker to eat his own crap and die. He can lock her up at home if he wants. Let all his plans go to hell because wasn't he his first and foremost caregiver? He was the type that was never grateful and will not be in anytime in the future. Melati never went against him believing that this was all temporary and he is her step dad. She still respects him for the little things he had done for her mom. But stoic calm wasn't going to bring justice to neither melati nor her mom. This wasn't time to be patient anymore when instead what he needed was a good kick in his butt. I had a good mind to ask melati to convince her mom of divorcing him. Throw him out the house if he dares to go on without her or stop either of them from seeing each other. If it were I, I wouldn't have let this incident down.
But I knew that in the hardest of times, the most turbulent of storms; in the eye of it all was still perfect calm. I asked her what she wanted to do. She told me that it was too late to do anything because she has already agreed to pick her up tomorrow. Mom will stay with her sister till Wednesday and she'll commute to and fro from her rented apartment to spend bits of time with her mom. She’d probably lug her laptop to her sister's place and worry later about having her nephews tampering with her borrowed laptop. Instead of all the above that I wanted to say and do, I held back and told her that if she wanted to cancel tomorrow she could just do it with a simple call. She could just say she was busy and even offer the truth. She already has plans to bring her mom for a shopping spree next week after payday so a weekend will not be the end of the world. She should not beat herself up like this because of one refusal. Her mom would understand and if she did so, she would even be doing her mom a favor by showing her what a bastard husband he has. He’d probably give her a hard time sulking and throwing tantrums because melati has foiled his plans for once or maybe he could even just leave her lonely. If either of that happens and it probably will, then she'd be the one that the mom calls. Plan A was still in place, but even better in the future the fucking bastard will think twice about crossing her. He will learn to tell her in advance if he needed time away and maybe he will be smart about it and learn that in order for you to be able to respect him and understand him, he has to give her the same. I told her she must consider how this could impact her future dealings with him. It might be small, insignificant in fact but small step for her, a huge step for everyone. I told her to imagine that she was Armstrong himself taking small steps over the moon, "Small step for man but giant step for mankind" but to replace it with "Small step for Melati but giant step for everybody!" she could of course go with her plans but what use was it to be bitter and frustrated and thinking that this will never end. This wasn't a case of being petty. This was her way of empowering herself with the knowledge that she is still in control and will be if she can make that call to tell him that she will see her mother next week instead.
She sniffed and asked if I was hungry. I told her famished but I have smoked more than 3 sticks so have lost that appetite to eat. She then told me that she's been asked to see the movie 'Golden Compass' with a hot guy tomorrow and I exclaimed in protest because I missed the movie stardust due to some stupid planning and was going to beat her at watching the golden compass before her! Gleefully she said she'd call me tomorrow to let me in all the details and of course I said I’d just hang up on her. Maybe as a reward after the exams I’d book myself on an adventure to Bali or somewhere. We made plans for Christmas holidays to have coffee or if she could rob a bank undetected she will bring me for a day trip to Holland to smoke the good stuff. I laughed at her frivilousity and then she excused herself because it is only 945pm and it was still fairly early. She could probably catch her mom now. I was just happy that her tears were gone and that she was once more the lightning muse of mine. The one that flashes fiercest in the darkest of skies as an opening act to the downpour of insights that falls hard in big angry splashes when I experience hot dry spells of ideas.
Before she could say anything else, I thanked her for the smoke break and told to get her back on the working horse pronto! The night was long and we both have still much to do. I didn't get back on the laptop since I had already switched it off so I went to the kitchen instead to reheat the pizza that my brother ordered yesterday and helped myself with a few slices. I switched on television to tune off my mind and there I was blissfully a couch potato, ignorant of all other stimulus except for the images flashing in front of me, my left hand a tall glass of coke and in my right a huge slice of meat lover pizza.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A simple phone call..
I heard her puffing away on over the crackling line and we chatted over the trivialities. The sky was overcast and we agreed that in this melancholic weather there was nothing better but a hot cup of killer java and curling clove smoke from our cigarettes to churn out the best that we could ever on the problems of the mind and soul over Microsoft words in APA format. I laughed and she giggled contentedly. Testing our dialectical prowess with the topic, 'sex and creativity' we came to a conclusion that sex is best as a reward but does zilch to aid creativity. The only creativity before, during and after sex is in the imaginary realm. To be more specific; the only creativity will be of the very selfish kind. We laughed some more to that and toasted our conclusions with a verbal hi-five!!!
The seconds were ticking away. Our short break was ending soon and the shot of inhaled caffeine was kicking in. with another exhale she confided in me. Her voice was steady but the cracks were slowly creeping in. I had to focus and listen intently on what she wanted to say because she was slowly fading away through the mumble grumbles. She was on the verge of making a decision and was losing her hold on relativity. She wanted closure and tried on her own to search for her own closure but her short bouts of introspection was only blurring the lines of subjectivity and objectivity. Not to mention her decided on end goal was starting feel as if it could drift far far away. I called her bluff and encouraged her to call in her inner strength and prodded her for the dilemma. Her breathing became slow and I heard another crick from her lighter. I followed suit and went to my room to be the crutch she's expecting me to be.
Silence was mandatory. Melati apologized and excused herself to get a drink of water. She came back to the phone and sighed nonchalantly.
She then started and told me in a pitch so off tuned, which signaled her wavering self belief that she didn't know if by choosing herself over spending time with her dying mum was such a good idea. I asked if this was a choice between the noumenal (things in themselves) and the phenomenal world (conscious experience)? She said maybe it was because her will to survive her decision to finish this diploma was interfering with her daily commitments. Especially those with her estranged mother, who is living away from her. Making this even worse was the fact that her mom was slowly fading, suffering in quiet patience with a husband who didn't care anymore. Her cancer was making itself more pronounced and she has been erratic with her moods. Although her mother fully understands and supports her daughter's determination to secure a future through education by always smiling and being serene whenever melati was around. Melati knew her mother deep down felt abandoned. She had made this known to melati before but she accepted that this was just the way it has to be for this while. Melati needed to do what needed to be done now alternating school and work in order to be financially independent so that she can take care of her mum in the near future. She needed to secure her identity and her future to enable her to rescue her mom from bleak existence. Both lived in desperation, hungry for security and this ate into their love. No matter how empathetic and compassionate their discourses and play to be, there was always dissension.
And today it happened again. She told me she could feel her heart bleeding painfully. I sucked harder on my fag, bracing myself for her surefire tears.
Melati was to see her mum tomorrow for a weekend out. She had already decided earlier on that she'd have to probably get her sister to stand in for her this week. She’d be there but due to pressing datelines and the stress of exams, melati would not be able to stay nights. Her own place was a mess and she wasn't in the right mind to be able to concentrate on mother. Mom has needs and after a short discussion, her ever affable sister offered to stand in for melati. She even offered to pick mom up so that melati didn't have to rush to and fro from home and even offered her place so that melati didn't have to clean up. Reluctantly melati agreed because it has been weeks and she did miss mom. With all her up and downs, her offbeat eccentricity and her knack for cloying extremes, melati figured she'd be able to fleet through another draining weekend without dropping dead on Monday. All because she firmly believed, quality was better than quantity so she mustered the energy to call her step dad to arrange to pick mom up tomorrow. Her mom answered the phone and she surprised melati by telling her that she has plans this weekend so they'd have to postpone their weekend date together to next week. Surprised but slightly relieved too, Melati told her mom that she too had exams and wanted to postpone but had already made arrangements with Ida (her sister) so as not to interrupt their weekend together. Hadn’t they promised that no matter how busy, they would always try to meet regularly? In the background she heard her step dad's chatter but suddenly with a distant shout her mother suddenly hung up. Melati was relieved at the sudden turn of events but she was suspiciously worried too after that short phone call. Melati doesn't have any respect for her step dad. Not one iota, she just tolerated his existence all this while because after all, he is her mom's lawful husband. She knew that he was just making use of mom as a slave and mere substitute of a wife at home. Her step dad was getting a married to a second wife but since mom approved, melati could only seethe in a distance. She didn't want to interfere because they all had to live their own lives. She cooled her own temper with her dreams of taking care of her mom as soon as she could buy her own place and give her mom the refuge that she longs for. So with those trailing thoughts she made another call and her step dad answered. Gruffly without any apologies he told melati to pick her mom up tomorrow and that her mom could stay with her till Wednesday. She said it was impossible because she'd be working on Monday but said she'd try to accommodate because melati was just too tired to argue with this obstinate man. Another call to her sister confirmed that it would be all right for mom to stay till Wednesday so she called again to confirm. This time her mom was whining painfully, begging to be taken away from this hateful man. Apparently, the old ogre was going off on a tour with his friends. Her mom wasn't included because she had her doctor appointments to meet next week. So the hateful man was just going to leave her with Melati to take care of her needs while he goes happily gallivanting away. Her mom thought she was to follow which was why she cancelled earlier but then later to her dissapointment, to be told oterwise. She wasn't coming with him. Melati tried to calm her down and said it will be all okay soon so asked to speak to the ogre and see if they could come to a compromise. She tried to use this opportunity as leverage and bargain to see mom for later dates. Apparently, it has been difficult for her mom to get away because who would then be there to cook and clean and care for the ogre if she's away. But the arrogant hateful old man was as always, non-committal. They ended the conversation with her resigned and he triumphant as always.
By now her voice was pitching higher and higher. Her nostrils flaring fire for all I know and tears strained her sentences making it harder to me to follow her train of thoughts. I wanted to stay rational but it was difficult not to get emotional. Hearing her seesawing in between alternate states threw me off kilter from my own center. She was on one hand angry that her step dad was always taking advantage of her need to see her mom. She was always giving in and she could never plan for proper dates and things to do because of instances like these. She always tried hard and sacrificed her own time and feelings to be able to build on the shreds of relationship she had with her mom. She never minded till now where she felt that she didn't want to be made use of anymore. She had to stop and swallow her tears I imagined and I didn't stop her. I only told her to keep going on because I felt she needed to let it all out. I could feel her frustrations on tethers and she was broken raw. She told me she had all the mind to tell the old man to fuck off and he take care of mom this weekend. She believed she all the right to refuse and take this time to fully concentrate and finish what she had to do so that she can fully make up with a smashing outing with her mom next week. She was almost screaming now and she at times she wasn't breathing. I think she was controlling her anger but instead she swallowed in gulps of air to control herself because she didn't want to turn me deaf. She let out a few expletives directed at her step dad and then her voice dipped to a mere whisper and it slinked together into her spiraling depression.
I understood her dilemma now and reminded her that intelligent beings suffer the most. I reminded her that in Schopenhauer's view, suffering varies with awareness. Plants suffer no pain because they lack awareness. The lowest species of animals and insects suffer some, and the higher animals suffer still more. Humans, of course suffer the most, especially the most intelligent humans. "In much wisdom is much grief; and he that increath knowledge increath sorrow - Book of Ecclesiastes or commonly known as the Bible" Then added that therefore, in proportion as knowledge attains distinctness, consciousness is enhanced, pain also increases, and consequently reaches to its highest degree in man; and all the more, the more distinctly he knows, and the more intelligent he is. The person in whom genius is to be found suffers most of all. - Schopenhauer 1818/1966 Vol. 1, p. 310) I needed myself to get on that higher plane so that I could save her from her despair. It was clearly important to her to spend time with her mom and it was equally if not more pressing for her to graduate with flying colors to end of all their beginnings. I understood too how these mere momentary feelings of being useless no matter how painful would disappear. Her pessimism was tearing her apart and that was normal. Fulfillment eludes all of us because all willing (our decisions) springs from deficiency, and thus from suffering. Fulfillment brings this to an end; yet for one wish that is fulfilled there remain at least ten that are denied. None attained object of willing can give a satisfaction that lasts and no longer declines. We are like beggars having alms thrown at us, which reprieves us today so that our misery might be prolonged tomorrow. I was still calm but she was not getting near where I was. It was getting darker outside and the rumble in the sky gave clue to the stormy skies ahead.
She argued that either way she feels guilty. She picks up her mom and feels guilty for not being there in full. She has to impose on her sister to do most of the work when it is her turn and responsibility to take care of her. She called herself the worst ever daughter because she could be worrying about how she couldn't meet her datelines and feeling tired was utmost on her head when her mom was to be her first priority. But then she knows that by giving in to the ogre this time and all the times before she has placed herself in the most vulnerable position she have imagined. The ogre has already made it known that she was to see her mom only as and when he agrees or at his whim and fancy. She feels mad that her mom was being treated like an object and even more so that she was supporting his ideas by even trying to bargain for what was her full rights. A daughter. It doesn't matter that they are living the life of any broken family, this was getting on her very nerves and she fear that she might blow up or breakdown. How to if her mom was in the precarious balance? I had to stop her by telling how much she is starting to sound like our case studies in class but she did stop to listen.
I wanted to slam down on her. I couldn't take the whining and wanted to shout at her to shock her out of distress. And if I was standing right in front of her slap her hard. I was glaring down on the mouthpiece and the corner of my mouth felt tight because I felt what she felt and it was unbearable listening to her sobbing like a small girl when I know she was made up of much much more than this. I wanted to tell her to do what she feels is right. Tell the old fucker to eat his own crap and die. He can lock her up at home if he wants. Let all his plans go to hell because wasn't he his first and foremost caregiver? He was the type that was never grateful and will not be in anytime in the future. Melati never went against him believing that this was all temporary and he is her step dad. She still respects him for the little things he had done for her mom. But stoic calm wasn't going to bring justice to neither melati nor her mom. This wasn't time to be patient anymore when instead what he needed was a good kick in his butt. I had a good mind to ask melati to convince her mom of divorcing him. Throw him out the house if he dares to go on without her or stop either of them from seeing each other. If it were I, I wouldn't have let this incident down.
But I knew that in the hardest of times, the most turbulent of storms; in the eye of it all was still perfect calm. I asked her what she wanted to do. She told me that it was too late to do anything because she has already agreed to pick her up tomorrow. Mom will stay with her sister till Wednesday and she'll commute to and fro from her rented apartment to spend bits of time with her mom. She’d probably lug her laptop to her sister's place and worry later about having her nephews tampering with her borrowed laptop. Instead of all the above that I wanted to say and do, I held back and told her that if she wanted to cancel tomorrow she could just do it with a simple call. She could just say she was busy and even offer the truth. She already has plans to bring her mom for a shopping spree next week after payday so a weekend will not be the end of the world. She should not beat herself up like this because of one refusal. Her mom would understand and if she did so, she would even be doing her mom a favor by showing her what a bastard husband he has. He’d probably give her a hard time sulking and throwing tantrums because melati has foiled his plans for once or maybe he could even just leave her lonely. If either of that happens and it probably will, then she'd be the one that the mom calls. Plan A was still in place, but even better in the future the fucking bastard will think twice about crossing her. He will learn to tell her in advance if he needed time away and maybe he will be smart about it and learn that in order for you to be able to respect him and understand him, he has to give her the same. I told her she must consider how this could impact her future dealings with him. It might be small, insignificant in fact but small step for her, a huge step for everyone. I told her to imagine that she was Armstrong himself taking small steps over the moon, "Small step for man but giant step for mankind" but to replace it with "Small step for Melati but giant step for everybody!" she could of course go with her plans but what use was it to be bitter and frustrated and thinking that this will never end. This wasn't a case of being petty. This was her way of empowering herself with the knowledge that she is still in control and will be if she can make that call to tell him that she will see her mother next week instead.
She sniffed and asked if I was hungry. I told her famished but I have smoked more than 3 sticks so have lost that appetite to eat. She then told me that she's been asked to see the movie 'Golden Compass' with a hot guy tomorrow and I exclaimed in protest because I missed the movie stardust due to some stupid planning and was going to beat her at watching the golden compass before her! Gleefully she said she'd call me tomorrow to let me in all the details and of course I said I’d just hang up on her. Maybe as a reward after the exams I’d book myself on an adventure to Bali or somewhere. We made plans for Christmas holidays to have coffee or if she could rob a bank undetected she will bring me for a day trip to Holland to smoke the good stuff. I laughed at her frivilousity and then she excused herself because it is only 945pm and it was still fairly early. She could probably catch her mom now. I was just happy that her tears were gone and that she was once more the lightning muse of mine. The one that flashes fiercest in the darkest of skies as an opening act to the downpour of insights that falls hard in big angry splashes when I experience hot dry spells of ideas.
Before she could say anything else, I thanked her for the smoke break and told to get her back on the working horse pronto! The night was long and we both have still much to do. I didn't get back on the laptop since I had already switched it off so I went to the kitchen instead to reheat the pizza that my brother ordered yesterday and helped myself with a few slices. I switched on television to tune off my mind and there I was blissfully a couch potato, ignorant of all other stimulus except for the images flashing in front of me, my left hand a tall glass of coke and in my right a huge slice of meat lover pizza.
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for quite sometime now, the tag 'teaching tales' was my msn tag. i haven't the longest time written for the self and suddenly the elegies disapeared! above is another go of writing as i fancy my self a stylo mylo escribitionista. not to be confused with someone who randomly flashes thier willy nillies at unassuming passerbys. but hey! isnt blogging some perverse way of 'baring yourself' too? :p *iamDApervert* hehehehe.....Although it is nice to get paid lar hor like all those other bloggers. but i digress, i write because i feel for writting. it helps to clear my pipes the way sex does for men and women alike haha! i read an article in shikinos many magazines on time about how sometimes its best NOT to say a word to a friend who is experiencing some kind of loss or another. it said how soemtimes not to say anything is really the best way of dealing with things but for me....yes, no doubt a hug or look could go a long way but i prefer to spread it all out. when we share and bare our souls to another, we are in hopes of a certain reaction. its like i give you peanut butter and a slice of bread and then tell you i don't what thew the hell to do with nor do i have the appetite to have a peanut butter sandwich. maybe i wanted to eat some but i don't feel like it and now i that i am stuck with it and since you are my chosen one. YOU think, do, anything or whatever to the peanut butter and slice of bread. hrmmm...too long to go on with that analogy but ask me when you see me.
the point i wanted to make was.....i have never liked it when i go ahead to bare my soul to someone and then to be told, "You do whatever you want but if you choose to do something that makes you cry, sad, angry and scream unfair please do not complain." What they want to mean is that they don't want to see, hear or know that you are sad, anger or depressed over something that you have decided to do. Or in many cases HAVE DONE. haven't you ever gone to your regular salon to have your hair done only then find yourself with burnt hair? you then rant, vent and bitch in tears to your best friend to have her tell you :-
a) i told you what they no good, you never listen *then they get angry*
b) its okay lar, cannot see you got burn your hair *then they talk about thier pets*
c) so now what you want to do *then they stare down at their nails*
d) same same story, what else is new *then they get even angier*
e) then don't go to that salon then! *they get even angier or angriest at this point*
or they say that the incident is done and over with and proceed with silence.
*hummph* JUST don't okay *munchpizza*
stay sane,
jahatamyemeelea
Thursday, December 13, 2007
risky business..
maybe it could be due to the cold weather lately but i find myself eating alot! well....since i've cut down much on the smokies anyway.
*sips coffee*
now chilling before i start burning midnight oil again :) *itsgo-blogtime!*
i think my office is haunted ler *gahhhhhh!* and its giving me the heeby jeebies just to think about it. the building is right beside the armenian church *synanogue?* where the former malaysian high commision is and a short distance away is fort canning. on my way to the stamp museum i spied graves, which are natural to churches and places of worship *especiallychurches* and even took a picture of it. it kinda spooked the 3 terrors *hehehehe* but intresting enough to make a solid imprint of mama's work address with them. didn't think much about it but my lunch breaks can be very pretty actually. the office goes dead after 6pm because because because.....i couldn't really pin on the answer to that yet but after today......
i think its because, really lerr....its kinda spooky. take the times *threetimes!!inarow* when i was in the ladies, i found myself wondering if this particular tap (its the one with the auto sensors) could be faulty because when i was all alone in the cubicle *ahems* the water just kept going on and off. i didn't think too much about it but the second time it happened, i noticed that it only does that when i'm alone in the toilet. it stops 'playing' when someone else comes into the toilet. so logically, to prove if my theory is correct, i should stay and see what happens when all the others leave right? WRONG! because the second i realised that my hairs were all at attention i ran out. the 3rd time it happened, i found myself asking why the heow you want to play with water dar; water is precious you know and then stopped myself when i realised that i'm actually believing that 'it' could be a real 'it' *uwaaaa!* so before i turn paranoid i quit thinking or speaking or acknowledge that anything is wrong.
then today today today....*jeng jeng jeng* ms. ikebana asked me if i'd be hanging around till late. i am the first one in and the last one out so it makes perfect sense for her to ask. maybe she didn't have the keys to lock up. and the guys already know that i like to hang around on days before class to chill before walking to school. but then the look on her face when i told her i'm rushing off early today *skipclass* made me panic. so i JUST HAAAAAAD to ask if she was afraid to be alone in the office. she laughed nervously and said she'd rather not say because afraid that i might freak out *hehe* but i forced her anyway and she answered me affirmative. by this time, my eyes already the size of saucers ler. no kidding! so i told her about the tap incidents and then she HAAAAAAD to point out the spot where its supposedly to be 'keras' or literally 'hard'...meaning very haunted *yikes!!* and its that corridor leading to the ladies *gulp* she even told me she ever SAW stuff *arrrghhhh* which made me feel like i wanna pee on da spot :p
us malays DO NOT use the word 'keras' lightly. it has to be of incidents and feelings so imbued with oppressive fear and super scary encounters, that the minute when you mention this place hard that place very hard, guys like me can go weak in the knees already. so i'm trying to be very brave here, seeing that i'm usually the only one left in the office in the evenings and will stay actually just to chat to the cleaning lady. you can't blame me lar, she brings me kueh-kueh *yummy!* to eat while we clear up the office. i'm in charge of shredding paper at the end of every day >D and she does what she does best, which is wash up and mop, vacuum or gossip with me lar!
ms. ikebana was fine when i left because ms. wow-at-40 was still in the office together with mr. simply-water. sis sally (the cleaning lady) had just only arrived so she didn't rush off to leave with me just now. and i have to blog about it before i can think of anything else actually. so now that my story is done....its back to....
my never endings. target to just finish and not fight it anymore!!!!!
so you JUST mark me with compassionate pass LAH! i'll still do my utmost to do a good paper.
stay sane,
jahatamyemeelea *stillkindaspookednie*
*sips coffee*
now chilling before i start burning midnight oil again :) *itsgo-blogtime!*
i think my office is haunted ler *gahhhhhh!* and its giving me the heeby jeebies just to think about it. the building is right beside the armenian church *synanogue?* where the former malaysian high commision is and a short distance away is fort canning. on my way to the stamp museum i spied graves, which are natural to churches and places of worship *especiallychurches* and even took a picture of it. it kinda spooked the 3 terrors *hehehehe* but intresting enough to make a solid imprint of mama's work address with them. didn't think much about it but my lunch breaks can be very pretty actually. the office goes dead after 6pm because because because.....i couldn't really pin on the answer to that yet but after today......
i think its because, really lerr....its kinda spooky. take the times *threetimes!!inarow* when i was in the ladies, i found myself wondering if this particular tap (its the one with the auto sensors) could be faulty because when i was all alone in the cubicle *ahems* the water just kept going on and off. i didn't think too much about it but the second time it happened, i noticed that it only does that when i'm alone in the toilet. it stops 'playing' when someone else comes into the toilet. so logically, to prove if my theory is correct, i should stay and see what happens when all the others leave right? WRONG! because the second i realised that my hairs were all at attention i ran out. the 3rd time it happened, i found myself asking why the heow you want to play with water dar; water is precious you know and then stopped myself when i realised that i'm actually believing that 'it' could be a real 'it' *uwaaaa!* so before i turn paranoid i quit thinking or speaking or acknowledge that anything is wrong.
then today today today....*jeng jeng jeng* ms. ikebana asked me if i'd be hanging around till late. i am the first one in and the last one out so it makes perfect sense for her to ask. maybe she didn't have the keys to lock up. and the guys already know that i like to hang around on days before class to chill before walking to school. but then the look on her face when i told her i'm rushing off early today *skipclass* made me panic. so i JUST HAAAAAAD to ask if she was afraid to be alone in the office. she laughed nervously and said she'd rather not say because afraid that i might freak out *hehe* but i forced her anyway and she answered me affirmative. by this time, my eyes already the size of saucers ler. no kidding! so i told her about the tap incidents and then she HAAAAAAD to point out the spot where its supposedly to be 'keras' or literally 'hard'...meaning very haunted *yikes!!* and its that corridor leading to the ladies *gulp* she even told me she ever SAW stuff *arrrghhhh* which made me feel like i wanna pee on da spot :p
us malays DO NOT use the word 'keras' lightly. it has to be of incidents and feelings so imbued with oppressive fear and super scary encounters, that the minute when you mention this place hard that place very hard, guys like me can go weak in the knees already. so i'm trying to be very brave here, seeing that i'm usually the only one left in the office in the evenings and will stay actually just to chat to the cleaning lady. you can't blame me lar, she brings me kueh-kueh *yummy!* to eat while we clear up the office. i'm in charge of shredding paper at the end of every day >D and she does what she does best, which is wash up and mop, vacuum or gossip with me lar!
ms. ikebana was fine when i left because ms. wow-at-40 was still in the office together with mr. simply-water. sis sally (the cleaning lady) had just only arrived so she didn't rush off to leave with me just now. and i have to blog about it before i can think of anything else actually. so now that my story is done....its back to....
my never endings. target to just finish and not fight it anymore!!!!!
so you JUST mark me with compassionate pass LAH! i'll still do my utmost to do a good paper.
stay sane,
jahatamyemeelea *stillkindaspookednie*
Sunday, December 09, 2007
avatars...personal stirrings of the soul
"the perfect has no need of the other, but weakness has, for it seeks support and does not confront its partner with anything that might force him into inferior position and even humiliate him." - C G Jung in The Undiscovered Self..
so now you understand why i do not put up my arms easily to painful jibes and uncomfortable situations? ;) because i know what you want and need. why should i be the one to give it to you? i reserve my right to say NO :D
work has been great! 3 weeks into the job and recently confirmed i do not have much bad or negative things to say. although it hasn't been all good vibes naturally, i will be patient and reserve my vile lashings till the bad stuff *coughpersoncough* confirms through many many repeat incidents and breathe fire. although, i am not taking these small incidents and slights to be personal, i am going to keep them in mind and make them transparent to 'cover my ass for future'. sorry gal...life is a bitch and you have just met daMUTHERBIATCH herself so be wary otey....
one does not shred her mistakes and not own up to her mistakes without ulterior motives. one does not ask to 'retract and delete' an ALREADY SENT email to a superior if she does not fear! and one could not be SO clever and bright if she ASKS for email to be retracted and deleted with comments, "what did you send so big an attachment 8kb? i can't seem to open it? you cc'ed boss oso? next time things like these you do not have to copy to her ok?" well oh well.....thanks babe, you just made me even more wary and will from today onwards not just copy but blind copy every email between us because there is A NEED be *muahahaha*
sometimes its the things you do, maybe the things you say and most of the time it is all that is unspoken that does it for me. heavily guided by intuition; i must say i am one of those but to the rest i believe, evidence of proof is still very much needed. reading in between the lines is my speciality but i am still very rational and logical. learnt that assumptions are not very productive and the is nothing like reason being backed up by hard evidence. just that my own absolute certainty brings its own evidence and has no need for anthropomorphic proofs....*keep the faith \m/*
see you gals tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
stay sane,
jahatamyemeelea
Sunday, November 25, 2007
that thing you do...
"People play games as a substitute for real intimacy, an every game, however unpleasent, has a particular payoff for one or both players." Games People Play (1964) Eric Berne.
i'll let you think you win because i know you play only to win. and sometimes it is just better that way because i know too much cortisol could lead to cancer build up. this tactic is called strategic avoidance. a walkover doesn't mean i lose, it just means i am more aware of my strengths and weaknesses and i refuse to be a victim of something much more bigger that your ego. mine is much bigger and if that makes me a selfish bastard than i am.
proud to be a selfish bastard.
keep sane with much love always,
jahatamyemeelea
i'll let you think you win because i know you play only to win. and sometimes it is just better that way because i know too much cortisol could lead to cancer build up. this tactic is called strategic avoidance. a walkover doesn't mean i lose, it just means i am more aware of my strengths and weaknesses and i refuse to be a victim of something much more bigger that your ego. mine is much bigger and if that makes me a selfish bastard than i am.
proud to be a selfish bastard.
keep sane with much love always,
jahatamyemeelea
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
on da color yellow...
yellow submarine..
yellow the song
yellow raincoat..
yellow people
yellow duckie...
yellow sun
yellow yellow diry fellow...
40,000 yellow t-shirts
...........*biteslips*
yellow the song
yellow raincoat..
yellow people
yellow duckie...
yellow sun
yellow yellow diry fellow...
40,000 yellow t-shirts
...........*biteslips*
funny how a single color can eclipse a myriad of other beautiful colors of the rainbow. i think i'll add a huge pack of pencil colors, paint and pens to my shopping list and brighten the other beautiful colors in my life.
stay sane,
jahatamyemeelea
Monday, October 29, 2007
and ACTION!
sunday morning...
woke up and smsed the gang, its our annual meet up on hari raya and i was excited. although sorely dissapointed that the terrors couldn't join us but the thought of seeing lil danial and em're filled in the sore spots right away. not to mention the idea that we'd be rolling around old school jokes the whole day. mounting expectations marked my every step out of bed and affirmative replies via sms set my mood on high.
138pm..
*ring ring*
me: eh lindot! tadi kau sms..'drop at 711' maksud kau 711 the kedai ke BLOCK 711 ah??
lindot: oi!! 711 kedai dar!!!!!! *sniggerlaughlaugh* kau pat maner nie?
me: *slaps forehead and made way to alight* lerrrrrr!!!!! mati-mati aku ingat block 711 dar. 711 da lepas! aku da turun nie so which way? aku pat block 619 nie.
*background more laughter and offered directions*
lindot: aku pun tak tahu maner tue *hehe* kau ambek teksi jer lar datang sinie!
me: *tak tahu nak nagis ke ketawa* ah okay lar! baru nak sep duit muahahahaha....
so, i tot she said to alight at blk 711 but as the bus drove pass a huge 711 store it occured to me that it could be IT, my designated stop. a phonecall confirmed my super sotong bluerness but i arrived safe. if with terrors i'd prolly be vomitting blood already because it was a SUNDAY and we all know how difficult it is to get a cab in smack middle of chua chu kang ON A SUNDAY.
FAST FORWARD >>>>>>>>>>
mr. nasir's house in tampines! he was our PE teacher in secondary school and we were his groupies *muahahaha* he just graduated from NIE and you can imagine the stuff he made us go through!! it was erobics lar, parading t-shirts lar, filling up all his ideal enthusiasm as a new teacher with our willingness to try everything at least once. it was GREAT to see him as we treid to pick his memories for traces of US. yes....it's our narcissistic tendencies going on overdrive. afters was nanin's for lil more chill time over her hubi's bestest 9-6 teh tarik then for aha's all the way over to sembawang. the home of the chilli crab ala travel cusine, apparently quite popular over multiply :p we didn't have chilli crab but aha whipped us kway teow goreng for dinner and then after more camwhoring we parted hilariously back home. nanin flinched aha's collection of past photos for a project to compile our past and present and i BET that will be all the TALK next year *muahahahah*
*perot cramp kejap*
and i can't go on.
too..........many.........side-splitting rewinds for go-blog today on my sunday out.
ITS MONDAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!
work was good. interview went well. friday and saturday was duly struck off as tuned out to the world day. and hopes for the week uP...UUUUUUPPPPP and awayyyyyyy.....till the cramp subsides ;)
stay sane,
amyemeelea
woke up and smsed the gang, its our annual meet up on hari raya and i was excited. although sorely dissapointed that the terrors couldn't join us but the thought of seeing lil danial and em're filled in the sore spots right away. not to mention the idea that we'd be rolling around old school jokes the whole day. mounting expectations marked my every step out of bed and affirmative replies via sms set my mood on high.
138pm..
*ring ring*
me: eh lindot! tadi kau sms..'drop at 711' maksud kau 711 the kedai ke BLOCK 711 ah??
lindot: oi!! 711 kedai dar!!!!!! *sniggerlaughlaugh* kau pat maner nie?
me: *slaps forehead and made way to alight* lerrrrrr!!!!! mati-mati aku ingat block 711 dar. 711 da lepas! aku da turun nie so which way? aku pat block 619 nie.
*background more laughter and offered directions*
lindot: aku pun tak tahu maner tue *hehe* kau ambek teksi jer lar datang sinie!
me: *tak tahu nak nagis ke ketawa* ah okay lar! baru nak sep duit muahahahaha....
so, i tot she said to alight at blk 711 but as the bus drove pass a huge 711 store it occured to me that it could be IT, my designated stop. a phonecall confirmed my super sotong bluerness but i arrived safe. if with terrors i'd prolly be vomitting blood already because it was a SUNDAY and we all know how difficult it is to get a cab in smack middle of chua chu kang ON A SUNDAY.
FAST FORWARD >>>>>>>>>>
mr. nasir's house in tampines! he was our PE teacher in secondary school and we were his groupies *muahahaha* he just graduated from NIE and you can imagine the stuff he made us go through!! it was erobics lar, parading t-shirts lar, filling up all his ideal enthusiasm as a new teacher with our willingness to try everything at least once. it was GREAT to see him as we treid to pick his memories for traces of US. yes....it's our narcissistic tendencies going on overdrive. afters was nanin's for lil more chill time over her hubi's bestest 9-6 teh tarik then for aha's all the way over to sembawang. the home of the chilli crab ala travel cusine, apparently quite popular over multiply :p we didn't have chilli crab but aha whipped us kway teow goreng for dinner and then after more camwhoring we parted hilariously back home. nanin flinched aha's collection of past photos for a project to compile our past and present and i BET that will be all the TALK next year *muahahahah*
*perot cramp kejap*
and i can't go on.
too..........many.........side-splitting rewinds for go-blog today on my sunday out.
ITS MONDAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!
work was good. interview went well. friday and saturday was duly struck off as tuned out to the world day. and hopes for the week uP...UUUUUUPPPPP and awayyyyyyy.....till the cramp subsides ;)
stay sane,
amyemeelea
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Salam Eid and what's left....
"Hi amy after much consideration i hate to make this decision to dismiss your employment with the company with immediate effect. Reasons being the company is not satisfied with your performance during probation plus your poor attendance. You need not have to have to report to work anymore. Your salary will be calculated accordingly to your bank account at month end. Appreciate your understanding. Cc Sebina" - Boss from hell with no one iota of professionalism.
I knew way back in my 4th week with the company that things do not bode well. Bobby and Shikino were first to jump and tell me to work harder at work, to make things right. After all, I was the one who chose to leave and try it out in this 8 man outfit. Even though Bobby felt that I would have much better success working in a bigger and brand named outfit where teamwork shines and the only heads that will roll in lieu of crisis will be the people on top. :P But I digress, work will be work and all that could happen will happen. For a reason of course. So that was how i was fired last Wednesday, via SMS. I had the terrors over on Monday and Tuesday to make up for the weekend green eyed monster didn't let me see em and on Tuesday night after i sent them back I got caught in the rain. So I had the audacity to take an hour off to go see the doctor on Wednesday morning. I knew she wouldn't like it but well, I should have known better when the ads were out twice under the guise of 'expansion' and the hushed whispers behind my back escalated, and did tell myself, NOT to take the risk but I value my health. As it is, I haven't been well. I had thought that leaving my desk clean and EMPTY of to dos would suffice and putting in more extra effort in being a participant and hounding the rest for more work (i ended up clearing 2 yrs worth of filing) turned its table on me. As they say, when someone hates you....a speck of dirt could just render you totally insignificant. I could analyse and fight it through maybe give her a HUGE piece of my mind but hey...what will it be worth right? I'd rather wait for my pay to be creditted in before I send her that bouquet of flowers and an email to follow. Oh! must make sure I Cc copies to the rest 6 of the staff *weeeEEEeee!*
So anyway, Salaam Eidul Fitri to all!!! The wishes could have come sooner but both pcs at home crashed. I had wanted to fill in from work but *ahems* as you can see from the above, work hasn't been so fantastic. So am using shikino's lappy to work on this *waves* This is the sign to get my own lappy!! *hehe* but wahalau! Am suddenly jobless siak...the terrors especially terror 1 enjoyed raya with me. She finally got her MP3 player and filled it with songs from High School musical (she loves gabrielle) and then a spratly of rock songs (evanescence) to prove that she's still my lil rock chick. She's very much a loner nowadays and I think it's because she's always alone in the afternoons with the other 2 at school. She's already preparing for her PSLE *gahhhhh!* and can speak non-stop about schoolwork and more homework. I should be happy but I rather not have a geeky, afraid of her own shadow terror. She can plonk herself in front of the pc on the internet for a whole day!! Kinda reminds me of myself :p but so far so good, she still enthusiastically participates in our rough tumbles outdoors and indoors. Terror 2 and 3 have each shown peculiarities of their own. Terror 2 eats and eats! I just hope he's not eating due to being the middle child. The type that feels neither here nor there and then gorges on food to fill in the emptiness but I have much hope. He just needs more playtime and activities that could distract him away from tv and food. Terror 3 eats very little and she's goes on overdrive when she has any one's attention. She tries very very hard to fit in somewhere but never could find a niche. Its either they are too old that she can't play along or we are too old *busygossipinglar* to play with her. She usually hangs with the adults and my god her vocab!!! Its a national pastime for us ladies to gossip kan?? So I'm a wee bit worried, what if she becomes just like us old ladies always talking *coughgossipcough* not stopping ;)
i can't pick them up today because terror 1 has exams tomorrow so all of them are at home god knows what they'd be doing. We have many invites but you can guess the level of my enthusiasm :D i went out for breakfast and to see if I can grab a copy of yesterday's news but no such luck. These vendors take their recycling seriously. I wanted to pop by the library but forgot my books! Can't go around asking to borrow ICs so bought weekly farnie sundaytimes to chill. My other hand,was busy peeling oily, crispy and fatty chicken for brunch. I thought KFC's coffee was a tad too light so headed to the hot hot food court at tampines interchange for my coffee-cow fix. It helps too that they have a smoking section! Nosiy and very hot, not recommended but if you needa good fix equal to an espresso, head down and ask for a wee bit more sugar to that extra zing! Of course Strabucks or Coffee Bean would have been nice but right after being FIRED via sms....one has to be very careful with whatever money is left. I flipped and flipped and what caught my eye amidst all the tragic news is a letter in the forum about noisy karung guni (pro-enviromentalist guy who goes around collecting rubbish in exchange for a lil token of cash) man. Wait!! Is that the karung-guni man that got to buy a terrace house by just collecting rubbish?!!! >) Apparently this poor soul is so distraught by the noise that they make for hours on end that he decided enough was enough and went to report of the disturbances to the police! They told him to go to the town council and they told him to go back to the POLICE! *muahahahaha* hilarious! cos I kept humming the theme song to Ghostbusters but replacing "Ghost" with "karung-guni". There is no hope for my fellow countrymen. To think that they actually PUBLISHED his letter, I am sure his concerns mirror those around him. Nak ajer gua campak dia pat Myanmar nie skarang. Tengok dia complain tak pasal karung guni *hehe* No books, no lappy to fiddle with so I headed home. The bus ride usually cold turned out to be stifling stuffy. I tried to relax and stare out to the skies but the caffeine and chicken was tossing and churning various thoughts and my body ached to stretch and move it. I couldn't wait to get down. When I did, I was surprised to feel happy. Wasn't I supposed to be depressed? Distraught? Or maybe frustrated about losing a job? Fear was playing hide and seek but the focus was only that I was happy. I didn't want it to merely fleet away so dropped everything in the room and leafed through an old album that bobby saved of our growing up years. A walk down memory lane could help bouy this momentarily. They were the only pictures saved of our childhood and I laughed and savoured each photo as I remembered when, where, how and why they were taken. I looked so much like mama. And i swear Terror 2 has a picture somewhere that looks exactly like bobby when he was 12? That done, bobby and shikino left for their parent's place to help out with the open house and me right here plonked in front of the lappy to finish this.
Bobby was warning me to be very careful with their lappy and not to eat, drink or do anything remotely normal while using their lappy. It is after all...the only connection we have to the internet world at home right now and things borrowed can never have the enjoy the same rules as things owned :) reminds me of how desperate I am to STUFF myself with all that is MINE. And toodle-loo now I just need to email my resume to all that I know before logging off till with more good news! Wish I could put up pics and damn if I don't find proper e-storage for all my pics. Lest they share the same fate as the rest that died with the last 2 pcs *blearrrgh!* well...we'll just have to see won't we? ;)
Stay sane be always brave,
jahatamyemeelea
I knew way back in my 4th week with the company that things do not bode well. Bobby and Shikino were first to jump and tell me to work harder at work, to make things right. After all, I was the one who chose to leave and try it out in this 8 man outfit. Even though Bobby felt that I would have much better success working in a bigger and brand named outfit where teamwork shines and the only heads that will roll in lieu of crisis will be the people on top. :P But I digress, work will be work and all that could happen will happen. For a reason of course. So that was how i was fired last Wednesday, via SMS. I had the terrors over on Monday and Tuesday to make up for the weekend green eyed monster didn't let me see em and on Tuesday night after i sent them back I got caught in the rain. So I had the audacity to take an hour off to go see the doctor on Wednesday morning. I knew she wouldn't like it but well, I should have known better when the ads were out twice under the guise of 'expansion' and the hushed whispers behind my back escalated, and did tell myself, NOT to take the risk but I value my health. As it is, I haven't been well. I had thought that leaving my desk clean and EMPTY of to dos would suffice and putting in more extra effort in being a participant and hounding the rest for more work (i ended up clearing 2 yrs worth of filing) turned its table on me. As they say, when someone hates you....a speck of dirt could just render you totally insignificant. I could analyse and fight it through maybe give her a HUGE piece of my mind but hey...what will it be worth right? I'd rather wait for my pay to be creditted in before I send her that bouquet of flowers and an email to follow. Oh! must make sure I Cc copies to the rest 6 of the staff *weeeEEEeee!*
So anyway, Salaam Eidul Fitri to all!!! The wishes could have come sooner but both pcs at home crashed. I had wanted to fill in from work but *ahems* as you can see from the above, work hasn't been so fantastic. So am using shikino's lappy to work on this *waves* This is the sign to get my own lappy!! *hehe* but wahalau! Am suddenly jobless siak...the terrors especially terror 1 enjoyed raya with me. She finally got her MP3 player and filled it with songs from High School musical (she loves gabrielle) and then a spratly of rock songs (evanescence) to prove that she's still my lil rock chick. She's very much a loner nowadays and I think it's because she's always alone in the afternoons with the other 2 at school. She's already preparing for her PSLE *gahhhhh!* and can speak non-stop about schoolwork and more homework. I should be happy but I rather not have a geeky, afraid of her own shadow terror. She can plonk herself in front of the pc on the internet for a whole day!! Kinda reminds me of myself :p but so far so good, she still enthusiastically participates in our rough tumbles outdoors and indoors. Terror 2 and 3 have each shown peculiarities of their own. Terror 2 eats and eats! I just hope he's not eating due to being the middle child. The type that feels neither here nor there and then gorges on food to fill in the emptiness but I have much hope. He just needs more playtime and activities that could distract him away from tv and food. Terror 3 eats very little and she's goes on overdrive when she has any one's attention. She tries very very hard to fit in somewhere but never could find a niche. Its either they are too old that she can't play along or we are too old *busygossipinglar* to play with her. She usually hangs with the adults and my god her vocab!!! Its a national pastime for us ladies to gossip kan?? So I'm a wee bit worried, what if she becomes just like us old ladies always talking *coughgossipcough* not stopping ;)
i can't pick them up today because terror 1 has exams tomorrow so all of them are at home god knows what they'd be doing. We have many invites but you can guess the level of my enthusiasm :D i went out for breakfast and to see if I can grab a copy of yesterday's news but no such luck. These vendors take their recycling seriously. I wanted to pop by the library but forgot my books! Can't go around asking to borrow ICs so bought weekly farnie sundaytimes to chill. My other hand,was busy peeling oily, crispy and fatty chicken for brunch. I thought KFC's coffee was a tad too light so headed to the hot hot food court at tampines interchange for my coffee-cow fix. It helps too that they have a smoking section! Nosiy and very hot, not recommended but if you needa good fix equal to an espresso, head down and ask for a wee bit more sugar to that extra zing! Of course Strabucks or Coffee Bean would have been nice but right after being FIRED via sms....one has to be very careful with whatever money is left. I flipped and flipped and what caught my eye amidst all the tragic news is a letter in the forum about noisy karung guni (pro-enviromentalist guy who goes around collecting rubbish in exchange for a lil token of cash) man. Wait!! Is that the karung-guni man that got to buy a terrace house by just collecting rubbish?!!! >) Apparently this poor soul is so distraught by the noise that they make for hours on end that he decided enough was enough and went to report of the disturbances to the police! They told him to go to the town council and they told him to go back to the POLICE! *muahahahaha* hilarious! cos I kept humming the theme song to Ghostbusters but replacing "Ghost" with "karung-guni". There is no hope for my fellow countrymen. To think that they actually PUBLISHED his letter, I am sure his concerns mirror those around him. Nak ajer gua campak dia pat Myanmar nie skarang. Tengok dia complain tak pasal karung guni *hehe* No books, no lappy to fiddle with so I headed home. The bus ride usually cold turned out to be stifling stuffy. I tried to relax and stare out to the skies but the caffeine and chicken was tossing and churning various thoughts and my body ached to stretch and move it. I couldn't wait to get down. When I did, I was surprised to feel happy. Wasn't I supposed to be depressed? Distraught? Or maybe frustrated about losing a job? Fear was playing hide and seek but the focus was only that I was happy. I didn't want it to merely fleet away so dropped everything in the room and leafed through an old album that bobby saved of our growing up years. A walk down memory lane could help bouy this momentarily. They were the only pictures saved of our childhood and I laughed and savoured each photo as I remembered when, where, how and why they were taken. I looked so much like mama. And i swear Terror 2 has a picture somewhere that looks exactly like bobby when he was 12? That done, bobby and shikino left for their parent's place to help out with the open house and me right here plonked in front of the lappy to finish this.
Bobby was warning me to be very careful with their lappy and not to eat, drink or do anything remotely normal while using their lappy. It is after all...the only connection we have to the internet world at home right now and things borrowed can never have the enjoy the same rules as things owned :) reminds me of how desperate I am to STUFF myself with all that is MINE. And toodle-loo now I just need to email my resume to all that I know before logging off till with more good news! Wish I could put up pics and damn if I don't find proper e-storage for all my pics. Lest they share the same fate as the rest that died with the last 2 pcs *blearrrgh!* well...we'll just have to see won't we? ;)
Stay sane be always brave,
jahatamyemeelea
"Minta maaf, minta ampun atas segala yang tersurat-tersirat. Kalau tersinggung atau mungkin segelintir dikecewa, aku minta maaf ;) dari seluruh pelusuk zahir dan batinku, moga doa mu menjadi harapan ku juga....Selamat Hari Raya!"
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
here i am...
Rambling again…
I saw the gals for iftar and a trip to sma to check out the degree programme the have there. I kept repeating 20 thousand dollars much the the chagrin of the ladies. There was ms. Mar the young and ambitious librarian. Then there was giggly and very much tickly ms.nadiaH who came JUST in time for ifthar and of course our jaunts will not be complete with ms. Sanee the seriously insane policewoman in disguise as a paper crazy student *mueheheh* who came like at 730pm and saved me from seriously ransacking next door 711 for a blarrdy lighter. Yeaps….yours truly has started her smoking BUT I am very much trying to lay it low. Because yes..after that bout of being seriously ill, we all need to take care of ourselves a wee much better :D we had a lousy and noisy iftar at tong seng just opposite bugis but it was nice to meet up and fire the rage of enthusiasm for higher learning. For all the reasons we all have for taking up the diploma and contemplating the degree programme it was nice to humble oneself and bask in the ideal glory of others. Refreshing to say the least, because suddenly not making sense was serious making a lot of sense.
We all suddenly wondered aloud why each of us is doing the deed. Switching from a diploma programme to a degree is serious major mojo to contend with. Then a sudden epiphany! From current book in bag, “ It would be sane now NOT to be an emperor of one idea; to start from the position that everyone is right from their own point of view; and to take for granted that everyone is more confused than they seem. Havoc is always wrecked in fast cures for confusion. The sane believe that confusion, acknowledged, is a virtue; and that humiliating another person is the worst thing we ever do. Sanity should not be our word for the alternatives to madness; it shoud refer to whatever resources we have to prevent humiliation.” – Adam Phillips, Going Sane. A bit of truth there? Aren’t we all the selfish bastards we are born to be? But hey! We shouldn’t go crazy for wanting and desiring for meaning. Please let’s not bring genetics into this or religion! I am trying to stay coherent here *haha!*
But it was the lingering question of the nazi’s and their past brutality that clinked and d clanked much in my brains. I did read about those Nazi experiemnts. All those senseless and nasty evil ones they did on the jews. What was their motive? Why so extreme?! And so creative some more..but on the whole it was the mental experiments that lasted throuhout history and how it premeated layers upon layers of people and not only of jewish descendants nor of origins. It affected us colelctively and universally, most definitely. I once read, Victor Frank’s book ‘Man’s Search for Meaning' while doing research on Logos. 'Logos’ is the the greek word for ‘meaning’ and found it very rewarding. It was a gripping account of his time in a Nazi concentration camp and of his fellow prisoners who either devloped a survival mindset or simply gave up on life. Frankl apprecaited the multidimensional nature of humans and while he didn’t deny that biology or conditioning shapes us, he insisted that there is room for free will. We are able to choose to develop certain values or aprituclar course in life, or to retain our dignity in difficult situtations. Excerpts:-“What I term the existential vacuum constitutes a challenge to psychiatry today. Ever more patients complain of a feeling of emptiness and meaninglessness, which seems to derive from two facts. Unlike an animal, man is not told by instincts what he should do. Often he does not even know what he basically wishes to do. Instead, he either wishes to do what other people do (conformism), or he does what other people wish him to (totalitarism).” So as not to confuse his theory with the existentialsim of Sartre or Camus, Frankl wanted to convince people that life will always have meaning. Even if it is not yet clear what it is. We may not discern or pick on a its meaning in difficult or painful situations until later, when we have grown as a result of what happened. Easier said than done when in this age and time what we all chase after is ‘closure’ the simplicity of having it done and away with. Its over, NADA…KAPISH! But how many of us take the time to think about the courage, the quiet strength of sitting it through. Of bawling ones eyes out and feeling better that you did because you realised that through it all…you are still alive. Each person, he wrote, comes into life with a unique set of potential meanings to fulfill. It is up to us whether we decide to grasp these meanings and accept them, or try to avoid them. There is no ultimate “meaning of life” or why we want to do or have to do. Only individual meanngs of lives of individual people. And boy did I have a headspin while I was sick. But bleak situations don’t necessarily do that. A perfect sunrise could give you the inspiration to hunt for many more. A soft blowing breeze may whet your appetite for the chill of the mountains? Be careful of bears or rather monkeys then. If you are like most Singaporeans and have only encountered animals in the zoo *hehe* so how the hell all this get tied with and into the jews and the nazi’s and concentration camps? Errr….blame it on the trailing effects of the drugs :p but *ahemssss* please do a twirl and ask youself if we are not living in a Nazi camp right now ;)
So even though muddleheaded and very much so disorientated last weekend. The sleep, the rest and okay the drugs helped to bring back a sense of equilibrium that I so desire. The zest is slowly creeping up and although I see no meaning in episodes of humiliation I see and taste at work, I am reminded yet again, how fragile we each hold our lives on tether to. And what for? The concious acceptance of suffering or fate can be transformed into one of our greatest achievements. So the nazi’s….didn’t they have anything better to do than meddle with other people’s minds? Believe it or not but the legacy of the nazi’s tortures are still very much alive. Subtley it has premeated our daily lives in silence and killing every little nuace of free will we have. Any oppressive enviroment will do just that. Kill you softly or gently with much worry about freedom of speech, healthcare and the care of the aged. In midst of the young chasing after paper after paper, our natural compassionate nature to understand and give support without prejudice is slowly but steeply eroding our sense of humanity. So onward we march gals!! There is yet much to acclaim for. Don’t let the numbers or time and critism bog you down. What matters most is that you empower yourself with the tools and stay determined on course to do what every little thing we can to make this life better for everyone. The point of melding what you have with what you want to apply to life is tricky but we will all get to the point soon enough. See you guys for another round of serious and not so serious mental jaunts before class. And be the riot you are! No one cares really :p we have the law on our side *points to ms.sanee* albeit she can be very ham-sup or seriously uncensored for your both very young ears. But that is life….all about preparation darls. We all are going to die but how we will end it ultimately can still be a choice. None but your’s…..errrm…..okay I think I’m a bit off here but we can shove it in more next next Thursday?
Quote biksetan from summer breeze….
::: quand les chiens mordent, quand les abeilles piquent, quand je sens le mauvais.. Remembering stuffs you like & being happy.:::
and while you chew on that; it doesn’t take much to create that meaning yourself….and not if you won’t let me do it for you. Even while I’m sick dammit!!! So I so owe the many many of you! And the amount of conversations lost! First iftar out and I must say, I have missed out on many!! Apologies to aha, nanin and lindot again. and to the many many many others who have tried relentlessly to get me OUT. Sorry guys..it’s a week break and its back to hitting books :) still….InsyaAllah, Eid will bring many other opporturnities. I owe the 3 terrors BIG time for this coming week so we’ll work something out.
*happy thought happy happy thoughts happy thoughts happy happy thoughts*
powwsters – be bothered already! And hope you had a blast getting older.
Minah gebu gua aka lynn maharet – congrats darl!!! May you muntah *vomit* your way to the 2nd trimester and enjoy it *muahahahah*
Wombat & mrs – another pair of soulmates I see and I spy! We’ll celebrate BIG time soonest
Biksetan! - *sings you are my sunshine my only sunshine* oh! Beware of spiders but don’t kill any will you while playing archeologist? :p
Sham – oits!!! Gua rindu lu but as usual, no news is good news just better if we can have another day out aye? Jom kita jalan raya!!!! Gua pegi rumah lu, then kita hike pegi rumah gua :D the boys not to mention the terrors will definitely hate me already after the hike from telok blangah to woodlands….
Hugsy and the missus! – spied you on multiply! And congrats with the incoming! It is a mat or a minah? Pray that both of you well…..
More happy thoughts? Hrmmm……I hope I passed!!!
Stay sane,
jahatamyemeelea
I saw the gals for iftar and a trip to sma to check out the degree programme the have there. I kept repeating 20 thousand dollars much the the chagrin of the ladies. There was ms. Mar the young and ambitious librarian. Then there was giggly and very much tickly ms.nadiaH who came JUST in time for ifthar and of course our jaunts will not be complete with ms. Sanee the seriously insane policewoman in disguise as a paper crazy student *mueheheh* who came like at 730pm and saved me from seriously ransacking next door 711 for a blarrdy lighter. Yeaps….yours truly has started her smoking BUT I am very much trying to lay it low. Because yes..after that bout of being seriously ill, we all need to take care of ourselves a wee much better :D we had a lousy and noisy iftar at tong seng just opposite bugis but it was nice to meet up and fire the rage of enthusiasm for higher learning. For all the reasons we all have for taking up the diploma and contemplating the degree programme it was nice to humble oneself and bask in the ideal glory of others. Refreshing to say the least, because suddenly not making sense was serious making a lot of sense.
We all suddenly wondered aloud why each of us is doing the deed. Switching from a diploma programme to a degree is serious major mojo to contend with. Then a sudden epiphany! From current book in bag, “ It would be sane now NOT to be an emperor of one idea; to start from the position that everyone is right from their own point of view; and to take for granted that everyone is more confused than they seem. Havoc is always wrecked in fast cures for confusion. The sane believe that confusion, acknowledged, is a virtue; and that humiliating another person is the worst thing we ever do. Sanity should not be our word for the alternatives to madness; it shoud refer to whatever resources we have to prevent humiliation.” – Adam Phillips, Going Sane. A bit of truth there? Aren’t we all the selfish bastards we are born to be? But hey! We shouldn’t go crazy for wanting and desiring for meaning. Please let’s not bring genetics into this or religion! I am trying to stay coherent here *haha!*
But it was the lingering question of the nazi’s and their past brutality that clinked and d clanked much in my brains. I did read about those Nazi experiemnts. All those senseless and nasty evil ones they did on the jews. What was their motive? Why so extreme?! And so creative some more..but on the whole it was the mental experiments that lasted throuhout history and how it premeated layers upon layers of people and not only of jewish descendants nor of origins. It affected us colelctively and universally, most definitely. I once read, Victor Frank’s book ‘Man’s Search for Meaning' while doing research on Logos. 'Logos’ is the the greek word for ‘meaning’ and found it very rewarding. It was a gripping account of his time in a Nazi concentration camp and of his fellow prisoners who either devloped a survival mindset or simply gave up on life. Frankl apprecaited the multidimensional nature of humans and while he didn’t deny that biology or conditioning shapes us, he insisted that there is room for free will. We are able to choose to develop certain values or aprituclar course in life, or to retain our dignity in difficult situtations. Excerpts:-“What I term the existential vacuum constitutes a challenge to psychiatry today. Ever more patients complain of a feeling of emptiness and meaninglessness, which seems to derive from two facts. Unlike an animal, man is not told by instincts what he should do. Often he does not even know what he basically wishes to do. Instead, he either wishes to do what other people do (conformism), or he does what other people wish him to (totalitarism).” So as not to confuse his theory with the existentialsim of Sartre or Camus, Frankl wanted to convince people that life will always have meaning. Even if it is not yet clear what it is. We may not discern or pick on a its meaning in difficult or painful situations until later, when we have grown as a result of what happened. Easier said than done when in this age and time what we all chase after is ‘closure’ the simplicity of having it done and away with. Its over, NADA…KAPISH! But how many of us take the time to think about the courage, the quiet strength of sitting it through. Of bawling ones eyes out and feeling better that you did because you realised that through it all…you are still alive. Each person, he wrote, comes into life with a unique set of potential meanings to fulfill. It is up to us whether we decide to grasp these meanings and accept them, or try to avoid them. There is no ultimate “meaning of life” or why we want to do or have to do. Only individual meanngs of lives of individual people. And boy did I have a headspin while I was sick. But bleak situations don’t necessarily do that. A perfect sunrise could give you the inspiration to hunt for many more. A soft blowing breeze may whet your appetite for the chill of the mountains? Be careful of bears or rather monkeys then. If you are like most Singaporeans and have only encountered animals in the zoo *hehe* so how the hell all this get tied with and into the jews and the nazi’s and concentration camps? Errr….blame it on the trailing effects of the drugs :p but *ahemssss* please do a twirl and ask youself if we are not living in a Nazi camp right now ;)
So even though muddleheaded and very much so disorientated last weekend. The sleep, the rest and okay the drugs helped to bring back a sense of equilibrium that I so desire. The zest is slowly creeping up and although I see no meaning in episodes of humiliation I see and taste at work, I am reminded yet again, how fragile we each hold our lives on tether to. And what for? The concious acceptance of suffering or fate can be transformed into one of our greatest achievements. So the nazi’s….didn’t they have anything better to do than meddle with other people’s minds? Believe it or not but the legacy of the nazi’s tortures are still very much alive. Subtley it has premeated our daily lives in silence and killing every little nuace of free will we have. Any oppressive enviroment will do just that. Kill you softly or gently with much worry about freedom of speech, healthcare and the care of the aged. In midst of the young chasing after paper after paper, our natural compassionate nature to understand and give support without prejudice is slowly but steeply eroding our sense of humanity. So onward we march gals!! There is yet much to acclaim for. Don’t let the numbers or time and critism bog you down. What matters most is that you empower yourself with the tools and stay determined on course to do what every little thing we can to make this life better for everyone. The point of melding what you have with what you want to apply to life is tricky but we will all get to the point soon enough. See you guys for another round of serious and not so serious mental jaunts before class. And be the riot you are! No one cares really :p we have the law on our side *points to ms.sanee* albeit she can be very ham-sup or seriously uncensored for your both very young ears. But that is life….all about preparation darls. We all are going to die but how we will end it ultimately can still be a choice. None but your’s…..errrm…..okay I think I’m a bit off here but we can shove it in more next next Thursday?
Quote biksetan from summer breeze….
::: quand les chiens mordent, quand les abeilles piquent, quand je sens le mauvais.. Remembering stuffs you like & being happy.:::
and while you chew on that; it doesn’t take much to create that meaning yourself….and not if you won’t let me do it for you. Even while I’m sick dammit!!! So I so owe the many many of you! And the amount of conversations lost! First iftar out and I must say, I have missed out on many!! Apologies to aha, nanin and lindot again. and to the many many many others who have tried relentlessly to get me OUT. Sorry guys..it’s a week break and its back to hitting books :) still….InsyaAllah, Eid will bring many other opporturnities. I owe the 3 terrors BIG time for this coming week so we’ll work something out.
*happy thought happy happy thoughts happy thoughts happy happy thoughts*
powwsters – be bothered already! And hope you had a blast getting older.
Minah gebu gua aka lynn maharet – congrats darl!!! May you muntah *vomit* your way to the 2nd trimester and enjoy it *muahahahah*
Wombat & mrs – another pair of soulmates I see and I spy! We’ll celebrate BIG time soonest
Biksetan! - *sings you are my sunshine my only sunshine* oh! Beware of spiders but don’t kill any will you while playing archeologist? :p
Sham – oits!!! Gua rindu lu but as usual, no news is good news just better if we can have another day out aye? Jom kita jalan raya!!!! Gua pegi rumah lu, then kita hike pegi rumah gua :D the boys not to mention the terrors will definitely hate me already after the hike from telok blangah to woodlands….
Hugsy and the missus! – spied you on multiply! And congrats with the incoming! It is a mat or a minah? Pray that both of you well…..
More happy thoughts? Hrmmm……I hope I passed!!!
Stay sane,
jahatamyemeelea
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Doctor tales...
It was maybe me dancing the chacha or really it was a brush with dengue or I will never know if it really was an allergic reaction to the antibiotics I was taking right after the op?! But me much better now. Feeling very much myself over the sun, moon and stars thanking Him for another day to be breathing. It was supposed to be a rock and rolling weekend with the terrors and my ex school mates whom I so so much dearly miss but oh my god! I was in so much pain. The never ending fevers through the nights and the ache in my bones finally breaking out in rash all over. My face was all blotchy, you wouldn’t have recognised me. I was also teary…I kept crying and thinking if this was ‘the end’. *hehe* yeaps…me the sick wimp. I was thinking about my will of debts :p but most of all my loved loved ones *snnnnIFFFFFFFsnoort*
So with all I’ve got plus a helping hand from a concerned one, I took the trip to the docs and hurray! The doc confirmed nothing cept for the leftover cyst to be smaller *saysmuchthankyoutoHim* then prescribed me more meds for the combo of fever and rash. I still saw the terrors last weekend but I think I freaked them out because I distinctly remember the 3 terrified terrors all around me telling me not to die *bawlseeyesout* and there I was not being able to move or say much cept to calm them down and tell them that mama’s going to be ALLRIGHT so keep praying hard. Hats off to Sham when I think of the times she was down and still had to cook, clean and care for the boys. Gosh! I felt so helpless and aha, nanin and lindot, “I heart you guys so much and thank you for the bbq we didn’t manage to attend! The food looked yummylicious and you guys were picture perfect as usual!” I never want to be sick ever again! Kak tina and Guy were so accomodating, they made sure I had the support when needed, the coconut juice was refreshing ;) The kids roamed around freely and did complain that this was the most boring weekend evar! A short stint lighting lanterns and then fireworks at the corridor. Best was that, terror 2 scored major points when he refused to go bazaar a walking to take care of me at home. We watched Harry Potter, then he tucked me in, rubbed calamine lotion all over my red hot body and told me how much he loved me. THAT is my hero in the making. Nope! Hands of all those girls out there, this is here mama’s BOY! :P I.just.can’t.forget. HOW.so spaced out by the drugs I was! The weekend was like a really bad trip or when tempered down, a cool pink floyd clip *muehehee* I thought of what shikino must have gone through while doing radiotheraphy and school! Wahlau! She deserve those 2 gold medals man! Give my sis in law a baby already! :) so please take care of yourselves peeps…morbidity in small doses can be really painful and when escalates! *gahhhhhhhhhh!* like me…turn into such a baybeee!
Maybe it could be seen still from my entry today? So scatterbrained still. so many conversations to pick up from where they have been shelved for time outs. Nazi concetration camps that’s one. Is humiliating another the worst thing you can do to someone? Is revenge the sweetest when its right on the jugular and more? On sanity versus madness, that’s another one. On why a certain someone says no to a perfectly planned day out, that’s another good one. On doing the dissapearing act and go ‘tata…goodbye and so long’ that’s another good one. On cheating tales! Wah very juicy *winkwink* and for the rest that I can’t really remember cos my arms so very the ache now and I don’t know why. So its to pen and paper till I can properly type again :)
Stay sane, <---- that’s another one! What is the meaning of being sane??
Jahatamyemeelea
ps: salam ramadhan to all...although i haven't been able to fufill my ends very well. Salam Nuzul Al Quran to those who are a looking :) May the night of all nights be yours for the taking..
So with all I’ve got plus a helping hand from a concerned one, I took the trip to the docs and hurray! The doc confirmed nothing cept for the leftover cyst to be smaller *saysmuchthankyoutoHim* then prescribed me more meds for the combo of fever and rash. I still saw the terrors last weekend but I think I freaked them out because I distinctly remember the 3 terrified terrors all around me telling me not to die *bawlseeyesout* and there I was not being able to move or say much cept to calm them down and tell them that mama’s going to be ALLRIGHT so keep praying hard. Hats off to Sham when I think of the times she was down and still had to cook, clean and care for the boys. Gosh! I felt so helpless and aha, nanin and lindot, “I heart you guys so much and thank you for the bbq we didn’t manage to attend! The food looked yummylicious and you guys were picture perfect as usual!” I never want to be sick ever again! Kak tina and Guy were so accomodating, they made sure I had the support when needed, the coconut juice was refreshing ;) The kids roamed around freely and did complain that this was the most boring weekend evar! A short stint lighting lanterns and then fireworks at the corridor. Best was that, terror 2 scored major points when he refused to go bazaar a walking to take care of me at home. We watched Harry Potter, then he tucked me in, rubbed calamine lotion all over my red hot body and told me how much he loved me. THAT is my hero in the making. Nope! Hands of all those girls out there, this is here mama’s BOY! :P I.just.can’t.forget. HOW.so spaced out by the drugs I was! The weekend was like a really bad trip or when tempered down, a cool pink floyd clip *muehehee* I thought of what shikino must have gone through while doing radiotheraphy and school! Wahlau! She deserve those 2 gold medals man! Give my sis in law a baby already! :) so please take care of yourselves peeps…morbidity in small doses can be really painful and when escalates! *gahhhhhhhhhh!* like me…turn into such a baybeee!
Maybe it could be seen still from my entry today? So scatterbrained still. so many conversations to pick up from where they have been shelved for time outs. Nazi concetration camps that’s one. Is humiliating another the worst thing you can do to someone? Is revenge the sweetest when its right on the jugular and more? On sanity versus madness, that’s another one. On why a certain someone says no to a perfectly planned day out, that’s another good one. On doing the dissapearing act and go ‘tata…goodbye and so long’ that’s another good one. On cheating tales! Wah very juicy *winkwink* and for the rest that I can’t really remember cos my arms so very the ache now and I don’t know why. So its to pen and paper till I can properly type again :)
Stay sane, <---- that’s another one! What is the meaning of being sane??
Jahatamyemeelea
ps: salam ramadhan to all...although i haven't been able to fufill my ends very well. Salam Nuzul Al Quran to those who are a looking :) May the night of all nights be yours for the taking..
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