realisations as they come..

“Your intentions create the reality that you experience until you become aware of this, it happens unconsciously. Therefore be mindful of what you project. That is the first step toward authentic power.” ~ Gary Zukav as smsed to me on August 26th , 2008 by my wanderlusts muse.

A few more days to Holidays and bummer are the facts that my pay is not in yet, or that some going ons in my life are not as how I would want them to be. The terrors mope and cry about not being able to see me today but I steeled myself against the erosion of salty tears to come with the slick warmth of glowing positive thoughts. Hard as it may be but very very possible.

It’s hard to accommodate to every whim and request. Especially when it comes from people and values that you put way high up on the top of your table of priorities. I can be bitter and cynical, even stoically calm at times but at the end of the day....I am still human. Although at each time or in such instances, I like to comfortably slink back into anyone of my personas for ease of easy to read moulds. I could be the Cheshire cat, weird and gaunt in looks and feel. Maybe even the ubiquitous desktop giggle dispenser in bright neon pink! *thatistheonlytimeilikepink!* Then I could be also Amie, my hair blowing in the winds of cold melancholic nights beside the beach under the moon, my eyes grey with specks of green and gold reading aloud from the book of O to a chosen one mouthing silent arguments; pleas of understanding. My favourite has always been the confusion and gamut of jahatamyemeelea, a mix of extreme hyper confusion sometimes wanting to be known yet at all times in search of solitude. Yes..I revel in my wide array of personas and not a single one of them is less real than the other. They will bleed and overlap in each other, fighting for space to exist but never have I been saner than just being one. Accusations of what is real and spotting of who is the paragon of my true self never bothered me. Jolts of cheers and the scores of boos will boost my life to steer me in its ups and downs but I never felt lost *oteyonceortwice* as I knew and respect each and every of myself intimately for what they each believe in and hold close to their hearts. I am who I am because of the presence I feel and that I still hold true to validate what it means to be present in any situation even when I feel vehemenantly that I do not belong.

We could be one and then we could be all.

What struck me most very recently is the constant reminder that one should keep silent if there isn’t anything good or pleasant to say. So the assumption to non replies is logically ‘not positive’. Silence can be deafening and that is worst punishment one can be able to endure and seek meaning in. Why, music without words is not without the tugs and pull of the heartstrings and no wonder souls seek the purity of the unspoken rather than rely on the accompanied words. Because words are meant to clarify and enunciate what is in the heart, mind and spirit but yet because of its nature of duplicity and fragility it always is just gets lost in translations. It is just another vehicle to set life at still in motion isnt it? The combination of all that exist is up for grabs for those who have the courage and knowledge hence, pick your weapon of choices with care and the clarity, hold to the ideal of peace not unlike a general heading to war. Isn’t life worth fighting for? And whose life is most important and not precious as yours and those who matter.

We communicate at all times be it consciously or under the stealth of anoyminity, riding on the our vehicle communication of choice, but all that it means is the need rise against the struggle to be ourselves by associating ourselves with common labels strewn under the guise of how, who, what and why we mean to others. To seek that delicate balance so that that we don’t fall into our dark mean recesses is a very general role ideal to most of us. Actions lead to who we are; I think therefore I am. And I quote because I can! *muahahah* as to me nothing is original *teehee* ;) And I stay silent because I want to believe my aunthenticity is real just misunderstood because the other is ignorant. It is difficult to walk the less trodden path but who is to say that being happy running the wheel as a rat or cute hamster is less fulfilling? :) Be what you want! Work for that utopia you want to realise as there is none but the written destiny in your stars to realise.

Slash/ignore *ifimaycreditittoanoriginalsoulorsoulswholayclaim*

So to some, I honour your intentions as I receive them through the universe and I shall still pick and choose my personas as I deem fit. Just so you know that I was never silent and I was never out to hurt or maim. I seek only to live and find my own meaning of what it is to be myself. My past, my present and what the future unfolds to be read in my actions or maybe as laid out by the cards or swayed by the winds of change is me and non other. And if you had any inkling of how everything has truly a meaning, you won’t be silent or leave it to the universe to make me understand you. Leaving life to fate could take to mean anything. How about those ass-u-me assumptions that we so often fall prey to? ;) You eat and can still be eaten *hehehehe* puns always intended *jeng!*

Then again, the roles we take on and the meaning we seek changes every minute and every second. I pray and hope that your choices and eliminations will give you the meaningful life that you seek. Your prerogatives are my guides because I choose to be human neither a thing nor an animal. I truly believe enlightment only comes to those who endure and have the determination to push against any moulds or barriers and once found it will be murderously difficult to fathom its forceful directions. Maybe I could be deemed as lost and as misguided by any but we all look at the same stars and we all hold on to our own interpretations of faith. There you sit on your high horse or look down on from your pedestal of truth. Yet humility touches us at random and at times, we seek the solace and ambiguity of just needing to be. You, me, they and all are only as different and unique as our own fingerprints yet to the core basics we all bleed blood - o, a, b or separated by the negatives and positives. So please don’t mind my ramblings nor are my actions when it gives you any sensations because you have decided, THAT is IF to YOU.....I am NOTHING.

Yes...depersonalize me, and judge me all you want. Place me where nothing dwells if that is where you want to place me and I promise you nothing will I be. I am who, what and why you want or need me to be. No rationalisations needed nor will there be regrets and apologises needed because I just have ceased to be in your world of being. If you do believe that nothing is really nothing *checkoutthevalueofvaccumsmuahahaha* My wish and hopes always have been and will be; to be given the freedom of life as it is given to me and to honour and respect yours with very breath I am allowed to take.

Stay sane yous,

Jahatamyemeelea is looking up to the heavens and gives thanks for the moisture i emit that runs from the cold surfaces from the mirrors of life.

from the shadows of the den...

the self emerges but not after being blinded the the lightness of all beings :)

reminds me the story of the men in caves in Republic by Plato..as an allergory of many all of us live in caves of ignorance. if not total ignorance *sometimeunavaoidable* then in relative ignorance because that is all that we know. when people are faced with the truth, we first shirk away, hide and cower in fear back to the lives that we know but when you continue to face your shadows, it gets much easier easier to handle. you'd be craving for more in fact! so the people around you will find you wacky, crazy then maybe a danger to society but you don't care...as once you've tasted the truth, you won't ever want to go back to being ignorant.

for full story ----> http://http://webspace.ship.edu/cgboer/platoscave.html

dang! i wish i could do nicer links :p *BIKSSSSSSSS!~*

but then each our truth differs of course, by our many biasness and then influence of experience. i do not want to sound so bleak nor do i want to read despondent *lol* but then hey hey! i need to vent :p of tempers flaring and then some inevitable breakups. the espionage of darting around in after the shadows then running amok with wild accusations of hidden motives and intentions *sigh* so i note that librans prefer uncomplicated lives but yet they idolise thier inner divas. aquarians seek the stability of constant reassurances if not the heightened drama of thier own carved niche. stay away from hybrids! and never fall for a sagitarius if you do not want to get burned~! BAD!!!! taureans are generally weird cows that moo and then surprise you with milk that will tempting dark chocolatey noir with enough bite. nothing is original! play scarbulous and then kinda mix it all up and you'd get randomness..or some swear its creativity at its peak *coughcough* scorpios sting themselves but live long enough to tell the tale and then there are those the aries, fiery and raging under simmer of stoic calm. the leos stylish and proud to the hilt if not they slink back to empty dens to chew on bones of contentions. pieces of the other zodiac signs i have yet to make minute judgements but lets have it stay at that. orh and me? what about the capricious capricock whose dull at times tinged with melacholic despondence *hiccups*

am trying to steer clear of all things bad is one thing but to go loco and join a futsal team is another *hehe* He finally answered my prayers and i got to meet with mama baru \daSTEPMOM/ and can i mention the silly or rather obnoxious green eyed monster of my ex celebrated his 2nd year wedding anniversary when it was annouced he just got married early this month *gofigure* but all that i remember this week is that you lose much but pick up hidden treasure along the way.

the terrors likes the song below by Unggu \a indonesian band yeay~!/we actully youtubed for the song and liriks :D and terror 3 did a lil dance to it. of course they asked my why i cried afters but that is another entry altogther ;)

Andai Ku Tahu
Andai kutahu
Kapan tiba ajalku
Ku akan memohon
Tuhan tolong panjangkan umurku
Andai kutahu
Kapan tiba masaku
Ku akan memohon
Tuhan jangan Kau ambil nyawaku
Aku takut Akan semua dosa dosaku
Aku takut Dosa yang terus membayangiku
*Instrumental*
Andai kutahu Malaikat
Mu kan menjemputku
Izinkan aku Mengucap kata tobat padaMu
Aku takut Akan semua dosa dosaku
Aku takut Dosa yang terus membayangiku
Ampuni aku Dari segala dosa dosaku
Ampuni aku Menangisku bertobat padaMu
Aku manusia
Yang takut neraka
Namun aku juga
Tak pantas di surga
Andai kutahu Kapan tiba ajalku
Izinkan akuMengucap kata tobat padaMu
Aku takut Akan semua dosa dosaku
Aku takut Dosa yang terus membayangiku
Ampuni aku Dari segala dosa dosaku
Ampuni aku Menangisku bertobat padaMu

toddles peoples *sobs* salam Nuzul Al'quran yang akan menjelangs *salams*

stay sane not angry angry depress mepress~,
jahatamyemeelea

Hateful conversations...

Che Tash: Kak mi..Do you want to have dinner with me?

Moi: Set arh! We can catch up with each other and unwind over dinner. It’s been a long time since I saw you anyway.

Che Tash: Sounds like an idea. We must find a place that is not crowded; food is good and also cheap? *winks*

Moi: All above me agree and concur.

Che Tash: so what about if we were to go eat yong tau foo at lau pa sat?

Che Tash: or maybe popeye's chicken nearest to your place? *drools*

Moi: You feel having Popeye’s chicken ijit?

Che Tash: Nice wot? Not nice meh?

Chet Tash: Well, you are the one who is buying anyway so I’ll gladly just tag along.

Moi: Tash, kak mi nak pegi berak japs aarh. BRB!

Che. Tash: oteyS~

Moi: Back! I feel like eating nasi lemak.

Che Tash: At changi? Isn’t that too far away?

Che Tash: Actually I don’t mind nasi lemak at change. I love their chicken wings!!

Che Tash: So have you decided where we should meet and eat? Can you also help me buy something along the way? Near your workplace there is this fantastic shop that sells cheap hair clips!

Moi: everything also ask me

Che Tash: 1 more hour to go!!!!! I can’t wait to see you! Ehk? Why? I am not saying you SHOULD buy for me those clips and I can decide for dinner if you want. You just can’t say NO and have to agree with all that I decide.

Che Tash: Why so silent? Are you angry? Or maybe busy now?

Moi: *smilelikegoat*

Che Tash: Otey, shall we just go ahead and eat at lau Pa Sat since it’s nearer to you? Or we can make the trip down to change for nasi lemak? Is it too far? There usually is a LONG queue there you know.

Moi: If you don’t want its okay we can have murtabak.

Che Tash: Err….when did I say ‘don’t want’? Which part was it?

Che Tash: Tell me if you want me to decide?

Moi: nevermind…I will see you at city hall then we will make our way to lau pa sat to have dinner. Then afters, we can have coffee. Ok?

Che Tash: Ok.

Moi: Don’t be late!

Che Tash: yes. See you then...


**tell me who you hate most? The annoyingly sweet always wanting to please che. Tash or plain me?

Stay sane,

Jahat

wet wet weekend...

"It is great folly to wish to be wise alone." ~ Francois de La Rochefoucauld

Charity Rant…

bukan sharity elephant otey :p

I take offence relationships being likened to politics but I guess now is now not even going into forever. In any relationship and social setting; especially when you use the term ‘politics’ to describe your gang *wow!girlpoliticsbitchy~~* It means to me that all actions, practices and policies within that social group has long been establish. In affairs as such or business *especially*; competition between interest groups or individuals for power and leadership (in the government) IS RIFE! This political life subscribes to its own code of what is norm and its ethics can be described by its principal activities or profession. We like holidays, have been through very tough times, loves bitching and raving mad for laughs or could be just shoes hehe.

You will involve yourself with its opinions or sympathizes with a person and more often than not, you bring yourself to anguishing turmoil trying to make sense of the total complex of relations between people living in society (please ehk try to keep track, don’t lose your brain cells now?). You try to place yourself and find yourself in any particular area of experience especially as seen or dealt with from a political point of view. Is it office politics? Is it ethnic policies? Or maybe identity politics? :p orh!!!! Its girl politics dar dey!!!

I was asked or rather openly hinted about my involvement in girl politics. Labels I still collect and accusations and assumptions I still deal with. So today’s charity rant homes down to but what are my motives? Or simply the question implies to my emotion or desire operating on the will and causing me to act.

GAHH!!!

i.feel.my.forehead.throbbing.violently.as.the.label.AMY.PANDAI.sears.my.forehead *muahahaha* excuse me while I feeling harry potek.

Answer is :: Like begets like and love begets love and I believe the rest will just flow. May I quote biks here? “Because we exchange precious commodities we keep close to our selves, our trust, our hopes and of course our ideals.” I love being in communities and society in general. People are my passion and who am I if not a reflection of you? Hence yeay I am the friendly fucker who serves all and fuck all.

So today, it all lies in attitude. I am very much aware how some prefer to adopt reject all temptations or ‘hair of the dog” that do not sustain or respect your need for space, encouragement or your hearts desire. But I still catch no balls as to why those who are insecure are usually the ones to misinterpret things. Should it not be the other way round? And what punishment should be mete out to one that who has potty mouth? See! So many many points of contention to fiddle with enthusiastic glee. Or are confrontations necessarily good for all situations and then if so, who can be one who is an objectively fair judge? Fuck the norms but what are norms? Since you live by your own creed, must I too just so that I can partake in its all glory?

In recovery *kopekshell* Our mutual losses or experience deserve to be acknowledged or remembered with dignity, honor, and respect even as we regroup to move forward. Whosoever is willing to work on forgiveness and letting go of the past in order to find peace, I guess. For now, it's time to give it a rest. Let's just empower by stillness and this is when silence is virtue.

This I know of enlightened beings…they do not want to be known but their light penetrates through the blackness of the most hideous nights. Hence they will attract all manner of the lost. We are teacher and students all at once, are we not? But are they aware of their responsibilities? Its tedious journey? Can they stand to be weary? I am not sure when their belief and attitude is, “It’s been nice knowing and not knowing you”

Stay sane,
Amyemeelea

ps to self:: lost my claws or yet to be sharpened cispai!!!!!!

done and over with...

it was raining very hard. ok computer of radiohead was on loop as i tried to make sense of it all *still* in the shadows it was hard to make out his set features. i just wanted to fly away in my ballon far far away. and this time i have.....

When I consider how my light is spent
Ere half of my days, in this dark world and wide,
And that one talent which is death to hide,
Lodged with me useless, though my soul more bent
To serve therewith my Maker, and present
My true account, lest he returning chide;
"Doth God exact day-labour, liht denied?"
I fondly ask; But Patience to prevent
That murmur, soon replies, "God doth not need
Either man's work or his own gifts; who best
Bear his mild yoke, they serve him best. His state
Is kingly. Thousands at his bidding speed

hrmmm~ who was it ehk who wrote this piece? :s but yesh, at times when faith and belief wavers...the minute details all gets lost...till i update ;)

stay sane till the sun peeks,
amyemeelea

life is a beach...

and we sent a happy picture to biks as a note to reconnect via the teeny tiny waves made available via *yeay!* technology :)

a waaaayyyyy load of things dawned on me and tadah! death numero 13th set its sight on me. and its probably final, to crumble and acknowledge the fact that i should be taking my own advice more often than i should *kanpai!~* like i haven't been on repeat mode often enough. new labels to put up with and hell crying clown made a show this week too! *cispai* a huff and puff around ulu orchard hunting for kenko fish and then a hike up fort canning to go a hunting with my spanking new blowpipe *wearingheelsmindyou* but i heart so much the swipe away the flying cockroach biks...*hehehehe*

then it was a celebration~! of a meet way past due at length of years! *sheepish* still it was a blast to the past mummy dearest. as we tango and toiter on sangria and bubbles of high in of all the holy places in the wee mornings. you are as fab as always, solid and grounded as you can ever be. maybe your sting of death missed its points but they did not lay to waste. i am glad it all worked out for you...albeit hard to swallow but love is as such lar...we don't gripe for nothing..let's reserve THOSE for the unmentionables ;p

mama terror picked the terrrors for another lets celebrate the national holiday to a family trip at the beach. we took long walks in the dead of the night and to the early mornings just wearing pajamas *lol* a refreshing dip to remain awake and off we go to look forward to our found future. ahh~~ my eldest never fails *sigh* makes this mama proud to bear witness you ALL were borne from these loins. an sms at 2 am stopped me in my tracks but again i misunderstood *haiz* what made me go on forward was both love and faith tugging me onward.

still scattered and much bruised...*wavesatmew* but that's added load to carry in my backpack. needed load in fact to hone my instincts. ready now or never *ishhk!* definately not a closed chapter.

please sally's boyfriend! cut of my damn leg!

stay sane,
amyemeelea

ps: hello al lapicits *hugsandfiddle*

comeuppance...

*phew*

the last of the destructive feelings have dissipated...of course he is way too smart for me and wow! does that make him even hotter or what? *woooooah~!* there is something to be said about guys who can turn you on as such. well its too late to apologize~ toooo late!!~~~ and i am definately feeling the heat...*crawlsbackunderstone*

but...yes, what comes round goes round and hence one must pay penance and drag oneself back to what matters most.

you definately live up to your name ;) che. killingmesoftly (if not silently) hehehehe...the silly thing is, this heart only grows fonder and ponder-OUS *ifthereissuchawrod!*

heads up! chin up! the world is your oyster and may a blanket of pearls cover your walk in search of fate..

i bow humbly still before the anak raja muda :)

stay sane,
amyemeelea

what really matters...

is to stay true to who you are and what to you is right. Our own prerogatives definitely and instead of trying to control situations, our willingness to be present emotionally and without judgments (please add with ALL the uncertainty that judgments can produce) is the way to go.

Online or offline.

The cat says to Alice in wonderland, “Bravery and I are not on intimate terms. My natural curiosity is tempered with caution – thus I've lived long. But now, ignoring my instinct to flee or fib, I speak the truth without regard to consequence. Your courage deserves no less. You've suffered great pain and you've caused some; you've endured deep grief and feelings of guilt; but you will be tested by a more wrenching anguish, Alice. There is worse to come. You and this Red Queen cannot both survive. You are two parts of the same..."

So of course you want to do what is right. Just as Alice often wonders why she is chasing after the rabbit and having to deal with the mad mad queen. She braved even the mysterious cat. Deep down just like Alice you will twist and turn to wrench away the knots in your belly as you take on life situations and tackle overblown perceptions which are often shallow. the cat reminds Alice yet again that her journey is not the end with but the cat does infuriate Alice with his clues. *muahaHA* Many a times, someone’s hurt feelings TEMPT us to say things we don’t really mean. The ignoramus will of course swallow it in literally when it’s not about what we said, its more about HOW we say it. The body will reveal hence solipsistic introjections will stay as introjections especially on the web. Meeting face to face and having a physical bond will seal the deal even more so. If your needs are different from what another person wants, it's okay to admit it as long as you do it kindly and without putting any blame on him or her in the process.

I say, my say or who says….be prudent ;) be brave…me is alice too...

and stay sane! if not saner than before you lil monkey!
amyemeelea *fazedunfazedbyallthehullaballooo*

I defy you…

Recent developments around me makes me squirm uneasy. Have been trying to anchor down this dis-ease to something tangible, hopefully leaning towards the positive…then at the bottom of it all…the solution from digging and sorting through it all suggests that my power today lies in defiance. We are willing to reject the sure thing or accept excommunication to try to make it on our own rather than endure the status quo or submit to conditions that assume we are invisible -- in this, we have nothing to lose. We accept responsibility for the difficulties ahead and do not seek pity for having chosen against the grain. I am empowered by mutual support and my assets are self-worth, hope, and pride.

Analyse this!

Stay sane,
Amyemeelea

The cacats..

“It is the feeling of inferiority, inadequacy and insecurity that determines the goal of an individual’s existence – Alfred Adler (1927) Understanding Human Nature.

So to you…maybe to shed more light on those feelings that are intensely convoluted, do what you do best and then shed it off. Revel in the feel of new skin as those tears awash you with feelings of humble gratitude. Be very afraid of what you wish for and then ask youself again if this is what life must be. More hurt, no meaning *arghhh!* and then the cry all the way falling down to the very bottom of your guts is just an indication of another growth spurt upwards ;)

Sometimes through this all which seems to have no end, you must remember that this is your life and should there is no one to pick you up and tell you the all is alright, close your eyes and you will see sparkles of light. Yeah, there is a very scientific explanation for that but then science does not explain everything. Do not believe for once that you will find answers because there are no answers. For all the truth that you seek, there will be biasness in action. Fight it internally so that it in turn can act as the protective shield that could only be yours and yours alone. No one can penetrate that if you won’t allow. But why should you put up barriers in the first place if the goal is to be known and understood?

I may be no saint and hell yes I could be certainly devilish but you, me and them we are all the same. There is no one side of the story and could we ever think of the infinitum of time? In the name of preparing for the worst and then go OOOPS! When we burst yet another artery *toolate* People die from aneurysms…like my mum did :) knowing you risky devil, you might just jump blind and take the leap of faith.

Believe and you will become…never underestimate your power.

Stay sane,

j@e *asyouknowme*

Immediate reaction..

You are never going to have to worry about me anymore. Yeay!!!! Please worry more about your family and keep up the very good work as a husband, a brother and a son-in law. To whoever is your role model, I hope they will forever keep you in stead.

*bows*

Takyah lar nak cium tangan aku, tak pernah pon kau nak buat.

Jangan lar nak tiak aku pakai pangkat, oi dan ah aper nak pon ok. Lebih-lebih buat berat jer mulut tue.

Takmo lar pikirkan pasal masa depan aku, memang sudah tersurat pon. Masok kubur pong sorang jugak betol tak?

Tak perlu lar nak tanya khabar kita buat sedih kau jer. Harap kau sentiasa tenang.

Toksah lar nak marah-marah hentak-hentak meja nanti saper nak bayar kalau pecah.

Terima kasih banyak untuk segala moga Dia saje yang membalasnya *Amin*

Ehk! Jangan lupa tau! Kalau saper tanya cakap jer aku kan degil abeh bully kau mesti dorang percaya!

;D

Stay sane,
Aku dan aku dan aku….

Men are Pigs…

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/index.php?term=pto-4231.html - Love’s Loopy Logic

“Women using a 'men are always pigs' decision-making rule may be more likely to actually end up with honest, committed, and long-term-seeking males," insists Geher.

I would hate to have to summaries but tell me please about what you think about the article linked. These past few days have been pretty tragic to say the least and my heart goes to You and You :) where I quote from our msn conversation, “At the end of the day, only you and you alone knows the state of your relationships and yes it is hard to know where it finally leads to…”

So have heart, the most important thing is not to be swishy washy with one’s decision. So for the most of us *ladies and gents inclusive* it is far better and more conclusive to hold firm to the clarity of white or the darkness pitch-black of reality to have a clearer mindset of what holds for each our destinies. While I truly agree that sometimes the toughest things we want to hold on to requires fierce fight but then walking away clean can be of a better option for most. In cases like myself, where as a single mum aka divorcee with extra baggage it all boils down to the future of the kids. We base most of our major decisions over their future rather than setting the future on ourselves. Again my che. J4S summarizes, “I know I need him and love him but at the end of the day I do not want to end up alone.” As compared to another’s stand where she feels that self confidence to move on with or without a partner is simply more realistic. I concur because why would you want to bear with the endless heartache of pondering over his non-commitment. But for the sake to maintain proprietry Who loses if everybody wants to win and haven’t you heard the biggest winners were losers first.

Men and women are simply ‘wired’ differently because men do not generally invest as much as women in a relationship hence the roving eyes BUT as the article pointed out again *for those gender sensitive* "Biased mechanisms are not design defects of the human mind, but rather design features," so the ladies to are prone to their own set of biases too *like for expecting too much hehe*. Most importantly is to be in the KNOW and use that knowhow to empower yourself optimally. *I see many pointing to me and going how IDEALISTIC!* but then why not? *ponderponder*

To Her who has been tested with one of her biggest hurdle yet, only time can tell the truth and I am totally against of banging hard on the table for a definitive future *unless set as guide* Which I know from our conversations to be ‘NOT LETTING HIM INTO YOUR LIFE AT ALL’ especially after all that has happened. “Men are Pigs - so move on psycho talk” can do only so much very temporary measure but the endless possibilities of seeing only a future open to ALL possibilities does much more. Think about it ;) Because at the end of the day, we are born to be so super resilient *points to evolution* and come what may, you have the power of fate in your hand and not all others. As you wish for me dear strength, I wish for the happiness of the Fool to follow you wherever it may lead you. Cry when you need to cry, hate if you must but LOVE even more even though it kills you to love and hurt those around you to do so. I do fail in this area miserably myself because some peeps are too hateful and vindictive to be deserving of such giving. Then please take tembak gajah satu *a big gun lar* and go shoot him in the head and do the rest of us a favor *muahahahaha* or simply if WE can, turn the other cheek for them to slap, insult and abuse. Just DON'T stick yourself in the rut only rot to stink to the highest of heavens with self inflicted woes will be to decide to waste the beautiful soul that you are.

And to che. J4S, I do hope you find that man who will forever stand by your side and be all that you want him to be because YES! We all deserve only the best. To view life so cynically can only mean that you are on the road to finding yourself the one most sought after. A man of integrity, honesty and loving who is committed to you long –term :) I certainly do enjoy your brutal love tactics but I can’t bear the thought of having another’s death on my conscience *hehe* because we never know how fragile another is. Statiscally, those who do threaten to jump and die WILL jump and die as opposed to the current belief that they are only crying wolf. Life is sacred *blush* however jahat *naughty* I am. It is naughty but nice ;) NOT jahat as in EVIL! *gahhh!* I have grown older therefore sappy *blueeek*

For me…although ‘sederhana’ *moderation* is to some BORING, simply too safe or maybe too strict in certain areas; I seek your understanding to let me give it a try because I like it. And I am happy with just the way things are. I have accepted the fact that should I end up alone due to age, my emo-fits or simply for being just me. I take heart that I have given the other *and all that comes with him* the chance and benefit of the doubt to give US a try and for myself the chance to experience love in its many manifestations. As I always remind myself there is always a better tomorrow! And there is justice for all! *queue song from metallica to head bang to*

Oh! For the record I do too have my limits and for one can’t tolerate abuse of power if we are to to build and lobby for a better future hence I’d like to promote the belief that one should be vulnerably strong. Vulnerable to rejection, competition and fierceness of criticism *ahems* but ALSO strong to hold forte to my center and ground myself in the endless splendors of infinite possibilities to go further into the abyss of positive unknowns. Try getting drilled at 5am about SOPs on how to remember to put yourself in another’s shoes and you’d see what I mean. I feel so stupid and powerless but then I am humbly grateful to overcome that moment with compassion and more understanding for another.

Women are Pigs too! \m/

Stay sane,

Amyemeelea

don't sweat the love songs...

ESPECIALLY if they belong to others :p



you know those nights you listen to the radio and then their dedications where your thoughts swirl about you and if you smoke, the sweet cloying smell of tobacco wafts up your nostrils and go poke-poke your brains and then you wonder...



you wonder and then wander...IF the are no big biting dogs in your neighbourhood that is *hehe*



le mew once wrote something along the lines of you learn your mistakes through the mistakes of others and then some who will go like how you learn with others bla bla bla...then there's still somemore who go, you are who you are....JOM! let's go diss and piss over the others >) ....bla bla bla...gosh...otey..i just realised the words don't roll off easy now because i am thinking about my packet of nasi lemak in my drawer. meant for breakfast but well oh well...



*continue ramble*


frivolous thoughts versus non frivolous-serious-you-can-learn-something-from-this-thinking...or for that matter these writings of mine. well~~~~~~~ for those who do get it and WANT to get it. I thank you many many *hugspowwsters* and if you do find me sniffing around your love songs, PLEASE don't hesitate to SHOO me away. Just pretend and think of me as just another radio listener out there who probably doesn't have an intresting love life such as yours :p



i guess moral of the story is or the whole point of this entry is......wait...MUST every story have and ending? a good ending? a proper ending? or an ending?!!! me digressing here.....moral of this entry IS *jeng jeng jeng*



"I don't sweat, I pespire!" *muahahah* i can see many going, " WHAT THA H#$$^&$%@#$&*( siak!" *makes peace sign*



powwsters - by taking the time and making the efforts to reply with songs, again you proved to be 'da -bombed' in the music department that is and not as in kena bomb by terrorist but now! i get to know more songs and they cured me of my sick affliction to that coldplay song! *yeay!!doesaflip* i am able to enjoy the song again and release my sordid affair with other peeples love songs. i'll concentrate on mine now. danke, das ist gut!!! *did i get that right?*



biks - i know i hold on to certain topics too long~~~~and will write more! i want to say i TRY to write more but then it doesn't hold as much conviction as 'I will". there is a question of also I don't want to make promises anyhow, wait i dosa because tak fufill! but i tell you this...i have every 'intention' to do the right thing and will stand by my main objective of 'keeping up with times and those who want to matter' via this blog.


this street is two way! NOT syaing that one-ways do not serve any purpose. everything HAS meaning! All happens for a reason...kan kan kan jonet kaaaaaaaan?~



and i leave you my LOVE song of the moment!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_RgL2MKfWTo- *ikeeeenleeeeeeeee*



ehk sorie ehk....i have to learn how to make pretty-pretty this blog-o-mine and do all those neat tricks with html ijit?!!!


stay sane,


jahatamyemeelea

mental wax vs ear wax...

In My Place

In my place, in my place,

Were lines that I couldn't change

I was lost, oh yeah.

I was lost, I was lost,

Crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed,

I was lost, oh yeah.

And yeah, how long must you wait for it?

Yeah, how long must you pay for it?

Yeah, how long must you wait for it?

I was scared, I was scared,

Tired and under prepared,

But I wait for it.

And if you go, if you go,

Leave me down here on my own,

Then I'll wait for you, yeah.

Yeah, how long must you wait for it?

Yeah, how long must you pay for it?

Yeah, how long must you wait for it?

Oh for it

Sing it please, please, please,

Come back and sing to me,

To me, me.

- Coldplay, A Rush of Blood (2002)

I had mistaken this song with another song called clocks also by Coldplay. Then later I thought it was sang by Radiohead. It was only yesterday when I heard the song again, I knew exactly of its origins and because I have a sick affinity with the song, I googled for the above lyrics and got these. I like the song, it’s haunting and it’s sad. I mean it’s a fucking love song right? Basically, guy lost gal because he did something terribly wrong. Blamed it on being lost *don’tweall* then assuaged the guilt off by taking all the blame to hopefully have the gal forgive him and take him back. A bit later he reasoned that he was tired and not prepared *prrft* But the loop and pull to the song is in the repeated chorus. Where he asked how, how, how? It hints that this separation was mutual and still unresolved. And what about the huge ‘IF’ there at her leaving? So they haven’t broken up? They are on a-break *thinkepisodefriendsrachelandross* perhaps? Then you can’t also NOT wonder why the she must be waiting and paying for the separation? It was a matter that was beyond their control maybe? It’s Romeo and Juliet!!! *slapsforehead* Obviously the song is an open dialogue between two lovers and that he is reminding her to be strong and that he will be very patient till they can find the solution to their separation. He can’t help her maybe because if he could then why is he doing all the pleading and the whining? When one decides to wait and see *andthensingsome* doesn’t that mean, “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn. BUT if you do come by this way for whatever reason, I’ll be more than happy to let’s pick up from where we have left and have some fun”. So isn’t this song a rah-rah-cheer-on-I-am-reminding-you-I’ll-be-here-now-and-forever-kinda-song? Very befitting a scene in Romeo and Juliet yes? *sigh* so tragic! So romantic! *sobsobsob* can feel all the blood rushing to my head now.

BUT what I am really truly interested in is WHAT could the reply to this song be?

stay sane,

jahatamyemeelea

More chasing..

“If you continue to pursue that which is outside of yourself, the pursuit will always seem to be elusive….” – Sojourns Of the Soul, Kim Koenig 1989

In the spirit of things and not wanting to sound like a wet blanket, when you attempt to understand something of which you know nothing, you open up your brain-mind structure to allow reception of information from your friends. So don’t suddenly clam up and tell me I don’t get what you mean or want to do. That I have suddenly read it all wrong and went goo goo gaga over some misconstrued words. I can take it as an insult to my intelligence and of course as your friend be highly annoyed to be lead to believe that suddenly I don’t understand you at all.

You of all people should know how far and strong our consciousness’ can travel but if you now wish to limit that too; confined merely within a circle then I am so wrong to be included in the conversation. Certain subjects are just meant to fly, that’s where you can find the answers that might have eluded you. Which is why I guess it’s never a good idea to mix business with pleasure and I will also include leisure. And which is why I never liked to put a lid on anything under the sun when all it needs to grow is respect and space for it to expand. Whether it chooses to go down under or up way to the sky will be the your will that shapes its course.

Where did your spirit go? Untie the ties that bind and let it feel and grope the darkness that envelop you. Do not be afraid that it might be too convoluted. Do not stop to explain yourself. Wasn’t that your advice for me? But I understand the ramifications of NOT being understood. The desire and of WANTING to be understood explicitly and simply is the current trend. GO ZEN! *bleargh!!!!*

No fun lar…I rather go speak to a parrot. Who can MIME on REPEAT mode *hmmpf* and dance the Macarena when prompted >) or I can sigh away and pretend that I am really stupid for not feeling what you are feeling and thinking what you are thinking. Were you expecting a NO COMMENTS form me? Or maybe you prefer for me to lead you on aimlessly with random cut and paste links to nowhere near my own thoughts are, so that you ‘think’ I am on the same boat, riding the same wave as you are? It doesn’t take a genius to know that you depend on others for yourself to grow. Honesty is like acute diarrhea isn’t it? Stopitsiak! Since when did I become that plug up your ass? Let it goooooooooooooooo~~~~ the runs needs to expel the bad that is in you. Bad turn to good is not impossibility. Impossible is when you limit yourself. It is when you put up signs to say ‘STOP’ in the name of love or some other entity. You don’t have to thank me now. I know you’d do me the same favor if I was having the runs. I doubt you’d plug yourself up my ass just because you are scared that I’d shit in my pants. I know you’d probably lead me to a good doctor somewhere and have me see that too much raw seafood is bad bad bad. And see to that I’d never visit the same stall again!

For now, I await your honest to goodness thoughts on what is so so close to you heart for when you can trust yourself to be OPENLY conscious with me. I never minded when there was or wasn’t any others, why should you now?

Till then…..

Stay sane,

jahatamyemeelea

La La Love...

Inability..

I had wanted to write about Bali. The sun the sea the sand the friends the food and the ALL but in the end Bali and all its impressions will live only in our memories. The pictures say it all and from the feedback I have heard; interpretations of Bali have gone around. I got bitch slapped for divulging my perspective to another and it smarts! She had a major case point; trust was the MAIN issue here. Can we trust the people we divulge our innermost feelings to? Never mind the instrument we use to relay our messages or our intentions why. One must learn to practice discernment effectively. And because of their fears….and my sudden reluctance to have my perspective known, Bali will not be written.

Rocket Rhinestone was a success! Powwster’s fotos were a hit and Le mew’s sockos made their appearance. I did what I could have and most of all the terrors had their day. Terror 1 when told of my participation actually thought I had done up a painting or some craft or sorts till I told her that my contribution was merely in words. She picked up the cue to begin writing herself and as a sampler came up with :-

“Cats creep and cats leap
Until they scored a mouse to eat
And then they like to lie and sleep”

– Terror 1, 29th Feb 2008

I almost didn’t pick them up for the event because I had doubts that the kids would enjoy themselves but in the end, it was all that we could talk about that night till 1am. Terror 1 was more inspired in her art and gained more confidence being around adults. She gained the most points that night for behaving and for show of maturity. Terror 2 displayed his cheeky side and had a rough time adjusting to the noise. He isn’t much of a ‘band fan’ since he was a baby anyway but what a field day he had with the nachos and cheese! Terror 3 took a little bit if time to warm up and initially wanted to go home but auntie poww came to save the day with gumballs! *hehehehe* All in all, I am glad everything turned out to be great. Another experiment with no expectations and I am vary satisfied with its outcome. I made many new friends and got to spend quality time with those who matter and those were my main focus. Bobby and shikino turned up to support! What more could I have asked for : )

Till then…

Stay sane,
Jahatamyemeelea

2008!

The beginning of the end or end of a beginning.

‘The minute people are unjust to you they have already lost the fight. The moment they attack you they have lost the war. The moment they try to hurt you, to humiliate you, to bully you, to disgrace you, to destroy you, to invalidate you, that moment they have lost the truth. They have lost all protection. That moment they surrender all their power and authority to you, and they do not know it yet. Their end is certain. Their defeat becomes inevitable. The rest is time’s doing. So carry on your business, be serene, follow your conscience, and have no fear. The laws that operate in the world are invisible laws, and they are greater than the force and powers of men and women. On these laws you can depend. Some kill a little thing, and invite a mighty storm on their heads that wipes them out. Take pity on those who try to destroy you, and try to forgive them because what they call upon themselves is too terrible to withstand. It is better to endure their stupidity sometimes than to be part of that greater force which will wipe out whole people, yourself, maybe, included. And sometimes it is better to fight, for their own good, to stop a greater and more implacable army of the invisible from doing your fighting for you. And so, for now, go about your business, and let’s see what time brings, may daughter.’

~Ben Okri, Starbook

in a few hours time a new year will begin and unfold. I can sense the anticipation, the rush of excitement and the buzz of euphoria. Yet who knows what will unfold in 2008 ;)
The above paragraph I thought expressed my year for 2007. I am still homeless. Yet to graduate and failed my plans there too. I am still a single mum without her kids and struggling to be a mom. I hoped I had been a good friend but I know in some cases I have not been at all. Work has been my hardest hurdle for 2007 with its many multi faceted challenges, mostly coming from myself. Love is still a powerful enigma and will ever work its will on my soul. Personally I wish it could all have been better but even if I had a chance to relive 2007 again, I wouldn’t know if better would be best.

I have been blessed and will always feel blessed. All that has happened will happen perhaps again and again till I learn. Only I can try to forgive more even myself and be better prepared. The strongest bonds are forged in the hottest and harshest fire and sometimes detachments to none eternal must be endured to climb further up higher and higher. Fear we must overcome with determination and strength from within, no matter who, what, why, when and how it shows its face. For as long as our conscience is clear, we’d understand that those who do not fight and yet claim glory in their cowardly is of a use too.

Aren’t we all the weirdos attracted to the weirdo magnet *batokbatok* love all love small *lol* to all a happy new year and a happy birthday to terror 1 and myself!!!!!!!! and of course to my dearest queen of pentacles, to you especially….in light of what has just passed and will pass. May 2008 be your beginning to an end, as well as a beginning to never end.

I heart all of you and our warmest regards with hopes of many well wishes for 2008

Stay sane,

Jahatamyemeelea & the 3 Terrors

just don't...

"What doesn't transmit light creates its own darkness - Marcus Aurelius"

A simple phone call..

I heard her puffing away on over the crackling line and we chatted over the trivialities. The sky was overcast and we agreed that in this melancholic weather there was nothing better but a hot cup of killer java and curling clove smoke from our cigarettes to churn out the best that we could ever on the problems of the mind and soul over Microsoft words in APA format. I laughed and she giggled contentedly. Testing our dialectical prowess with the topic, 'sex and creativity' we came to a conclusion that sex is best as a reward but does zilch to aid creativity. The only creativity before, during and after sex is in the imaginary realm. To be more specific; the only creativity will be of the very selfish kind. We laughed some more to that and toasted our conclusions with a verbal hi-five!!!

The seconds were ticking away. Our short break was ending soon and the shot of inhaled caffeine was kicking in. with another exhale she confided in me. Her voice was steady but the cracks were slowly creeping in. I had to focus and listen intently on what she wanted to say because she was slowly fading away through the mumble grumbles. She was on the verge of making a decision and was losing her hold on relativity. She wanted closure and tried on her own to search for her own closure but her short bouts of introspection was only blurring the lines of subjectivity and objectivity. Not to mention her decided on end goal was starting feel as if it could drift far far away. I called her bluff and encouraged her to call in her inner strength and prodded her for the dilemma. Her breathing became slow and I heard another crick from her lighter. I followed suit and went to my room to be the crutch she's expecting me to be.

Silence was mandatory. Melati apologized and excused herself to get a drink of water. She came back to the phone and sighed nonchalantly.

She then started and told me in a pitch so off tuned, which signaled her wavering self belief that she didn't know if by choosing herself over spending time with her dying mum was such a good idea. I asked if this was a choice between the noumenal (things in themselves) and the phenomenal world (conscious experience)? She said maybe it was because her will to survive her decision to finish this diploma was interfering with her daily commitments. Especially those with her estranged mother, who is living away from her. Making this even worse was the fact that her mom was slowly fading, suffering in quiet patience with a husband who didn't care anymore. Her cancer was making itself more pronounced and she has been erratic with her moods. Although her mother fully understands and supports her daughter's determination to secure a future through education by always smiling and being serene whenever melati was around. Melati knew her mother deep down felt abandoned. She had made this known to melati before but she accepted that this was just the way it has to be for this while. Melati needed to do what needed to be done now alternating school and work in order to be financially independent so that she can take care of her mum in the near future. She needed to secure her identity and her future to enable her to rescue her mom from bleak existence. Both lived in desperation, hungry for security and this ate into their love. No matter how empathetic and compassionate their discourses and play to be, there was always dissension.

And today it happened again. She told me she could feel her heart bleeding painfully. I sucked harder on my fag, bracing myself for her surefire tears.

Melati was to see her mum tomorrow for a weekend out. She had already decided earlier on that she'd have to probably get her sister to stand in for her this week. She’d be there but due to pressing datelines and the stress of exams, melati would not be able to stay nights. Her own place was a mess and she wasn't in the right mind to be able to concentrate on mother. Mom has needs and after a short discussion, her ever affable sister offered to stand in for melati. She even offered to pick mom up so that melati didn't have to rush to and fro from home and even offered her place so that melati didn't have to clean up. Reluctantly melati agreed because it has been weeks and she did miss mom. With all her up and downs, her offbeat eccentricity and her knack for cloying extremes, melati figured she'd be able to fleet through another draining weekend without dropping dead on Monday. All because she firmly believed, quality was better than quantity so she mustered the energy to call her step dad to arrange to pick mom up tomorrow. Her mom answered the phone and she surprised melati by telling her that she has plans this weekend so they'd have to postpone their weekend date together to next week. Surprised but slightly relieved too, Melati told her mom that she too had exams and wanted to postpone but had already made arrangements with Ida (her sister) so as not to interrupt their weekend together. Hadn’t they promised that no matter how busy, they would always try to meet regularly? In the background she heard her step dad's chatter but suddenly with a distant shout her mother suddenly hung up. Melati was relieved at the sudden turn of events but she was suspiciously worried too after that short phone call. Melati doesn't have any respect for her step dad. Not one iota, she just tolerated his existence all this while because after all, he is her mom's lawful husband. She knew that he was just making use of mom as a slave and mere substitute of a wife at home. Her step dad was getting a married to a second wife but since mom approved, melati could only seethe in a distance. She didn't want to interfere because they all had to live their own lives. She cooled her own temper with her dreams of taking care of her mom as soon as she could buy her own place and give her mom the refuge that she longs for. So with those trailing thoughts she made another call and her step dad answered. Gruffly without any apologies he told melati to pick her mom up tomorrow and that her mom could stay with her till Wednesday. She said it was impossible because she'd be working on Monday but said she'd try to accommodate because melati was just too tired to argue with this obstinate man. Another call to her sister confirmed that it would be all right for mom to stay till Wednesday so she called again to confirm. This time her mom was whining painfully, begging to be taken away from this hateful man. Apparently, the old ogre was going off on a tour with his friends. Her mom wasn't included because she had her doctor appointments to meet next week. So the hateful man was just going to leave her with Melati to take care of her needs while he goes happily gallivanting away. Her mom thought she was to follow which was why she cancelled earlier but then later to her dissapointment, to be told oterwise. She wasn't coming with him. Melati tried to calm her down and said it will be all okay soon so asked to speak to the ogre and see if they could come to a compromise. She tried to use this opportunity as leverage and bargain to see mom for later dates. Apparently, it has been difficult for her mom to get away because who would then be there to cook and clean and care for the ogre if she's away. But the arrogant hateful old man was as always, non-committal. They ended the conversation with her resigned and he triumphant as always.

By now her voice was pitching higher and higher. Her nostrils flaring fire for all I know and tears strained her sentences making it harder to me to follow her train of thoughts. I wanted to stay rational but it was difficult not to get emotional. Hearing her seesawing in between alternate states threw me off kilter from my own center. She was on one hand angry that her step dad was always taking advantage of her need to see her mom. She was always giving in and she could never plan for proper dates and things to do because of instances like these. She always tried hard and sacrificed her own time and feelings to be able to build on the shreds of relationship she had with her mom. She never minded till now where she felt that she didn't want to be made use of anymore. She had to stop and swallow her tears I imagined and I didn't stop her. I only told her to keep going on because I felt she needed to let it all out. I could feel her frustrations on tethers and she was broken raw. She told me she had all the mind to tell the old man to fuck off and he take care of mom this weekend. She believed she all the right to refuse and take this time to fully concentrate and finish what she had to do so that she can fully make up with a smashing outing with her mom next week. She was almost screaming now and she at times she wasn't breathing. I think she was controlling her anger but instead she swallowed in gulps of air to control herself because she didn't want to turn me deaf. She let out a few expletives directed at her step dad and then her voice dipped to a mere whisper and it slinked together into her spiraling depression.

I understood her dilemma now and reminded her that intelligent beings suffer the most. I reminded her that in Schopenhauer's view, suffering varies with awareness. Plants suffer no pain because they lack awareness. The lowest species of animals and insects suffer some, and the higher animals suffer still more. Humans, of course suffer the most, especially the most intelligent humans. "In much wisdom is much grief; and he that increath knowledge increath sorrow - Book of Ecclesiastes or commonly known as the Bible" Then added that therefore, in proportion as knowledge attains distinctness, consciousness is enhanced, pain also increases, and consequently reaches to its highest degree in man; and all the more, the more distinctly he knows, and the more intelligent he is. The person in whom genius is to be found suffers most of all. - Schopenhauer 1818/1966 Vol. 1, p. 310) I needed myself to get on that higher plane so that I could save her from her despair. It was clearly important to her to spend time with her mom and it was equally if not more pressing for her to graduate with flying colors to end of all their beginnings. I understood too how these mere momentary feelings of being useless no matter how painful would disappear. Her pessimism was tearing her apart and that was normal. Fulfillment eludes all of us because all willing (our decisions) springs from deficiency, and thus from suffering. Fulfillment brings this to an end; yet for one wish that is fulfilled there remain at least ten that are denied. None attained object of willing can give a satisfaction that lasts and no longer declines. We are like beggars having alms thrown at us, which reprieves us today so that our misery might be prolonged tomorrow. I was still calm but she was not getting near where I was. It was getting darker outside and the rumble in the sky gave clue to the stormy skies ahead.

She argued that either way she feels guilty. She picks up her mom and feels guilty for not being there in full. She has to impose on her sister to do most of the work when it is her turn and responsibility to take care of her. She called herself the worst ever daughter because she could be worrying about how she couldn't meet her datelines and feeling tired was utmost on her head when her mom was to be her first priority. But then she knows that by giving in to the ogre this time and all the times before she has placed herself in the most vulnerable position she have imagined. The ogre has already made it known that she was to see her mom only as and when he agrees or at his whim and fancy. She feels mad that her mom was being treated like an object and even more so that she was supporting his ideas by even trying to bargain for what was her full rights. A daughter. It doesn't matter that they are living the life of any broken family, this was getting on her very nerves and she fear that she might blow up or breakdown. How to if her mom was in the precarious balance? I had to stop her by telling how much she is starting to sound like our case studies in class but she did stop to listen.

I wanted to slam down on her. I couldn't take the whining and wanted to shout at her to shock her out of distress. And if I was standing right in front of her slap her hard. I was glaring down on the mouthpiece and the corner of my mouth felt tight because I felt what she felt and it was unbearable listening to her sobbing like a small girl when I know she was made up of much much more than this. I wanted to tell her to do what she feels is right. Tell the old fucker to eat his own crap and die. He can lock her up at home if he wants. Let all his plans go to hell because wasn't he his first and foremost caregiver? He was the type that was never grateful and will not be in anytime in the future. Melati never went against him believing that this was all temporary and he is her step dad. She still respects him for the little things he had done for her mom. But stoic calm wasn't going to bring justice to neither melati nor her mom. This wasn't time to be patient anymore when instead what he needed was a good kick in his butt. I had a good mind to ask melati to convince her mom of divorcing him. Throw him out the house if he dares to go on without her or stop either of them from seeing each other. If it were I, I wouldn't have let this incident down.

But I knew that in the hardest of times, the most turbulent of storms; in the eye of it all was still perfect calm. I asked her what she wanted to do. She told me that it was too late to do anything because she has already agreed to pick her up tomorrow. Mom will stay with her sister till Wednesday and she'll commute to and fro from her rented apartment to spend bits of time with her mom. She’d probably lug her laptop to her sister's place and worry later about having her nephews tampering with her borrowed laptop. Instead of all the above that I wanted to say and do, I held back and told her that if she wanted to cancel tomorrow she could just do it with a simple call. She could just say she was busy and even offer the truth. She already has plans to bring her mom for a shopping spree next week after payday so a weekend will not be the end of the world. She should not beat herself up like this because of one refusal. Her mom would understand and if she did so, she would even be doing her mom a favor by showing her what a bastard husband he has. He’d probably give her a hard time sulking and throwing tantrums because melati has foiled his plans for once or maybe he could even just leave her lonely. If either of that happens and it probably will, then she'd be the one that the mom calls. Plan A was still in place, but even better in the future the fucking bastard will think twice about crossing her. He will learn to tell her in advance if he needed time away and maybe he will be smart about it and learn that in order for you to be able to respect him and understand him, he has to give her the same. I told her she must consider how this could impact her future dealings with him. It might be small, insignificant in fact but small step for her, a huge step for everyone. I told her to imagine that she was Armstrong himself taking small steps over the moon, "Small step for man but giant step for mankind" but to replace it with "Small step for Melati but giant step for everybody!" she could of course go with her plans but what use was it to be bitter and frustrated and thinking that this will never end. This wasn't a case of being petty. This was her way of empowering herself with the knowledge that she is still in control and will be if she can make that call to tell him that she will see her mother next week instead.

She sniffed and asked if I was hungry. I told her famished but I have smoked more than 3 sticks so have lost that appetite to eat. She then told me that she's been asked to see the movie 'Golden Compass' with a hot guy tomorrow and I exclaimed in protest because I missed the movie stardust due to some stupid planning and was going to beat her at watching the golden compass before her! Gleefully she said she'd call me tomorrow to let me in all the details and of course I said I’d just hang up on her. Maybe as a reward after the exams I’d book myself on an adventure to Bali or somewhere. We made plans for Christmas holidays to have coffee or if she could rob a bank undetected she will bring me for a day trip to Holland to smoke the good stuff. I laughed at her frivilousity and then she excused herself because it is only 945pm and it was still fairly early. She could probably catch her mom now. I was just happy that her tears were gone and that she was once more the lightning muse of mine. The one that flashes fiercest in the darkest of skies as an opening act to the downpour of insights that falls hard in big angry splashes when I experience hot dry spells of ideas.

Before she could say anything else, I thanked her for the smoke break and told to get her back on the working horse pronto! The night was long and we both have still much to do. I didn't get back on the laptop since I had already switched it off so I went to the kitchen instead to reheat the pizza that my brother ordered yesterday and helped myself with a few slices. I switched on television to tune off my mind and there I was blissfully a couch potato, ignorant of all other stimulus except for the images flashing in front of me, my left hand a tall glass of coke and in my right a huge slice of meat lover pizza.
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for quite sometime now, the tag 'teaching tales' was my msn tag. i haven't the longest time written for the self and suddenly the elegies disapeared! above is another go of writing as i fancy my self a stylo mylo escribitionista. not to be confused with someone who randomly flashes thier willy nillies at unassuming passerbys. but hey! isnt blogging some perverse way of 'baring yourself' too? :p *iamDApervert* hehehehe.....Although it is nice to get paid lar hor like all those other bloggers. but i digress, i write because i feel for writting. it helps to clear my pipes the way sex does for men and women alike haha! i read an article in shikinos many magazines on time about how sometimes its best NOT to say a word to a friend who is experiencing some kind of loss or another. it said how soemtimes not to say anything is really the best way of dealing with things but for me....yes, no doubt a hug or look could go a long way but i prefer to spread it all out. when we share and bare our souls to another, we are in hopes of a certain reaction. its like i give you peanut butter and a slice of bread and then tell you i don't what thew the hell to do with nor do i have the appetite to have a peanut butter sandwich. maybe i wanted to eat some but i don't feel like it and now i that i am stuck with it and since you are my chosen one. YOU think, do, anything or whatever to the peanut butter and slice of bread. hrmmm...too long to go on with that analogy but ask me when you see me.

the point i wanted to make was.....i have never liked it when i go ahead to bare my soul to someone and then to be told, "You do whatever you want but if you choose to do something that makes you cry, sad, angry and scream unfair please do not complain." What they want to mean is that they don't want to see, hear or know that you are sad, anger or depressed over something that you have decided to do. Or in many cases HAVE DONE. haven't you ever gone to your regular salon to have your hair done only then find yourself with burnt hair? you then rant, vent and bitch in tears to your best friend to have her tell you :-

a) i told you what they no good, you never listen *then they get angry*
b) its okay lar, cannot see you got burn your hair *then they talk about thier pets*
c) so now what you want to do *then they stare down at their nails*
d) same same story, what else is new *then they get even angier*
e) then don't go to that salon then! *they get even angier or angriest at this point*

or they say that the incident is done and over with and proceed with silence.

*hummph* JUST don't okay *munchpizza*

stay sane,
jahatamyemeelea