Emmeleia – The theatricality of greek tragedy.

Ayong introduced me to Dead Can Dance over facebook and the CD is on my bucket list of things to buy. This is in addition to the bath bombs from LUSH, new underwear and books for the terrors. In retrospect, I have also cleaned up my room at the loft and separated my lists to be clearer. I’m still hounded by the thoughts of having filling up ONE lack trash bag of my life; all thanks to biks of course.

The terrors got much of my old stuff but not too many books back to their place and the ladies at work are wearing my old clothes. I’d rather give away as opposed to selling away my past baggage anyway.

So while we were cleaning up and packing my past away, I had the time to share with the terrors some clips from youtube of Dead Can Dance and i chanced upon a song titled ‘Emmeleia’. The terrors didn’t really like it and biks said it made her sleepy . I listened to it on loop over rainy days in the office and i of course I really liked it.

Lisa Gerrad sings in tongue or idioglossia – she developed this since age of 12 and they mean nothing but sound like a language spoken. It is really the babble of the unknown in you and i really like it. Another round of googling *ahemsresearchahems* brought me to books and how the song was inspired. What was interesting was that I found the origins of the word Emmeliea to describe a sacred dance in ancient greek. In the book Graham Ley of the above title, its characterised by the term as “the tragic dance”, in contrast to the two other dance performed satirically – sikinis or comically – kordax.

Needless to say I’m fascinated!

So in goes the hunt for the book and the MUST to get the CD. The room is less cluttered now and somehow I feel lighter. Although I still need to figure out a comfortable sleeping arrangement for all of us because it is now the girls on the top bunk and the fat boy at the bottom. Mind you, its two single beds *urgh* and i end up achingly cranky after every weekend with the terrors. The satisfaction of time well spent with them is felt surely but at a sore price. It shall be better of course if I could just damn well save enough to buy my own place *tskkk*

I bet i'd be unconsciously humming this all over India teehehehehehe.

stay sane,

J.amyemeelea

Ireplacerble I remember the very fisrt day you were right beside me laughing, you smiled at me you showed me the way you are so inspiering and selfless you taught me right from wrong Life is full of test I have to be strong so I thank you, so i thank you.

 It's 13th of January a very special day for you and me us to rememberr You taught me life is good I should I should be grateful as often as I could so i thank you, so I thank you

It's September almost a year has gone by the knowledge I gain from you is priceless you taught me not to lie I should be truthful as often as I could so I thank you, so I thank you

 A day without you is undisireble, a week without you its just unthinkerble, A week without you I can go mentel And a year without youI can get...stroke! With todays tegnolergy nothing seems impossible but no one can deny, that you are irreplacerble that you are irreplacerble...padappa

written by Emira Natasha Bte Hazlan 10th September 2011 with lots of love to Mama
................................................................................................................................................................

AND OF COURSE I TEARED! even after the warnings heh. i tried to hide it by just rubbing my eyes and blamed the light in the room but they caught me still. they told me its not entirely an original but borrowed the song from school and rewrote the lyrics for me. i complain a lot about how they push me away and harp them about non calls and what not so they decided the best to placate mama terror was TAH DAH! **cue the terrors beaming with monkey grins saying 'are you happy now?! why you crying!! *poke poke*

they didn't want to record the song and dance but i convinced them i could at least get a sound recording of their singing. a bit later i got them to sing and do their thing (shy terrrors really) and video it with kak tina's phone. so YES! a proud mama albeit very teary and touched with the effort. nifty doesn't record :p so its emoley to the rescue where i got a signed copy from all 3.

stay sane,
j.amyemeelea

ps: terror 3 asked if she can use emoticons instead when she can't spell :p hahahahahhahaha

TERRORIFIC.

cute, creepy, sad and happy.
a surrealist dream this could be.
too long, too deep and way too many to think.
i'm happy tonight is going to be just terrorific!

yeaps..i'm seeing the kids tonight after a month long nada-zilch-nothing and they've just called sexcited as can be. they've even planned a performance for me! which i said i must tape and save for prosperous proprietary. terror one of course said NO! because she knows it could be used against her in future hehehe. alas, nifty can't tape anything dehemit!

well its jalan raya for the terrors and me to say hello to those who matter. i don't even care if bobi's acting weird because its been weird for always anyway. just thankful he drives and we can hop on finish visiting the mostest important-EST people called my family.

not to late to wish all a happy eid and may it have been a meaningful one for everyone. my sincerest please forgive me to all 'lahir dan batin'.

stay sane,
j.amyemeelea

juno holidays

the terrors finally got a break and i will be picking them up after work tomorrow. i lost my phone again,yes NIFTYYYYYY! gahhhhhh so i'm really wishing for no glitches. how the hell are they going to call me? YET AGAIN...tsk tssssK.

yeaps, late movie nights, long walks and endless conversations are what i'm looking forward to and i know i'll have to choose between NOT letting the kids do what they want and they end up hating you but i really have to figure the part where i let them do things that they'll regret later :(

wise i want to be but clueless i am.

as a parent i believe i have the experience, i have what it takes to guide the kids. i so want to set the correct example but yet, i make mistakes too. like losing my phone when i had all the intention to KEEP it by my side all the times. take care of it and be responsible and all. what do i do? end up losing it for the umpteenth time. what was my reason? why did i fail in such a simple task? can i ever be a good role model for my kids??

sheesh~ some mom i am..not taking care if i wear matching underwear or any underwear even *hurhurhur* and the fact that i enjoy my smokes. my freedom to never have a day set out for laundry and eat only when you're hungry rule makes me a misfit mum. not to mention, i won't blink a eye if they roll about in mud, go to a rock concert and generally misbehave. i'll nag though and make sure the kids are never rude to anyone. do not steal, never lie and thou shall not kill unless in self defence *cough*

i wonder why the kids even love me or sometimes i know why they don't miss me. they don't call, they hardly have a routine to ask if i'm alive. makes me wonder if i'll ever get it right what it means to be a mom right?

wrong....because i was brought up to mind and make sure i leave nothing to chance. depend on anything but myself to get by. and so thats how i'm going to raise my kids. make mistakes, wander and ponder knowing that i'll always back you up and love you to bits. life is never about regrets, well sometimes but to always believe in greater good. the journey never ends and destinies never met. we love, we hate and we end up somewhere never just anywhere without willing ourselves to find meaning in all that we think and do.

much of a mouthful and even more so a headache to run through it all in my head. but i know, the terrors will have fun and know love. as how i'll show and tell in all my honesty. be rsponsible for all your actions and never back down a dare. espescially from yourself. and the rest....leave it to faith.

have faith, never falter.

well terrors, mama's ready for the rumble ahead. i'll jump up with joy, shout my excitements and never leave a moment unturned. to hell with the skeptics and being safe. you're never going to be a fighter or a lover if you don't or won't take risks.

i'll be here. i promise. and when i don't or can't (being morbid) never i won't...know that your mama never fit but i never quit.

:D

see you soonest!

stay sane,
emeelea

ps: its been a long time since we played in the rain and panadol works! or maybe its about time i tell you exactly what skinny dipping means >D

ave atque vale

its been interesting to watch the reactions i get after i installed the 'who isn't my friend' application on facebook. it wasn't a spam and fairly works well. useful especially to track friends who changed their names on facebook and *evilgrin* nice to know whose been cleaning up their friends list too hehehehe...

one time i had this ex schoolmate add me back again the very next day when others commented on her deleting me. she was having an affair with another friend of ours but in unfavourable light because technically she's still married. they asked why the hell would i get deleted since i've never say nay or aye about the whole fiasco. err..maybe in confidence but since she's way of the 6th degree anyway, our mere mention and discussion was purely for self-reflection.

then my housemate as well did the deed and cut me off the page. he was angry at something random..like i was totally dissing him with smart comebacks on his status updates. it was fun for a while but i knew that it ticked him off so i stopped. needless to say after a few days i was back on as a friend. BUT, nothing was the same agian between us at home. i try as much as i can to ignore him. since he's sensitive anyway :p

a few of my workmates have barred me from their wall. that was when i clumsily pointed out their blatant work skiving moments. AS IF i wasn't guilty too!!! but i saw the logic of that and blocked them from my wall updates. i just learnt that about 90% of my colleagues do not genuinely want to be friends. its purely work so hell yes, i'm okay with that too. its a highly competitive (read fake) environment property management. everyone thinks they are better than the next guy and we are work at different sites :p azrullah, a workmate will be quiting in a few months, he couldn't stand the environment he said. too much work stress where even during bonding time (fully funded by company) we'd all speak, talk about work anyway. i totally get him. unlike the last company i worked for. when we dine and during parties, its informal and we do enjoy ourselves.

a few friends i hold very dear to myself too have did that. we are still friends but i get it they do not want to share their wall with me. well, point taken. i just reach out to them in other ways. on msn, via emails and calls. and slowly, my family, mostly my nieces and cousins are blocking and deleting me from their pages too. thankfully, my nephew in states didn't decide to cut me off because it was through his updates that i got the hints that my sister has been terribly sick :(

well, the terrors used to be active on facebook until thier dad and stepmum came onboard. terror 2 had to create another account just so he can add his dad and i had to block completely the green-eyed monsters because the terrors said they have been spying and hate it when it becomes conversation topics. i tell the kids the same thing i tell myself, if it bugs you much do something about it but facebook is generally about connecting. allabout communication so you have to be smart about it.

i learnt much about myself through my interactions online as much as i do offline. sometimes it sucks but more often than not its been an awesome experience. way before it was guapunya.com, then mric before i tested out frenster! all those have since long faded into the past. now at present is my love hate relationship with facebook *sigh*

of course, kama sends me nice long updates via facebook now while he's in paris. so, its here to stay for awhile more hehehehehehe...

stay sane,
j.amyemeelea

ps: to sha~ was it me liking your bikini photos? did you really think i'd be such the tattle tale and tell your mum? TSSSK...slightly annoyed but its okay. we all need the privacy we crave and entitled to.

its the rain..

angry loud knocks today woke me up and i completely forgot i had a date in batam. it was raining hard and so shiok was my bed. i figured if it was anyone of the guys, they would have called my mobile if they were stuck without their keys. i never found out who it was because by the time i got to the door there wasn't anyone. i felt quite scared actually and funny that neither dito or gail heard the knocks.

spent the day reading and then cooked dinner. watched teevee and logged off with a salute to the besties. i got teary when i saw photos from yesterdys footie birthday bash for aqil who turned 7. i was the guest referee haha for the boys and games marshall. of course, i was missing the terrors too. it was madagascar the animated movie and the lines reminded me of the kids. espescially the part when alex when "boo~!" hehehehe...terror one likes to say that :D

then kama called to tell me about his adventures in paris. its expensive to call but he does it anyway to check on my shoe size :p ahh...absence does make the heart grow fonder.nuff said already *zippinit*

while munching on dinner i also watched this reality show where where top bosses (COOs, CEOSand the likes) go undercover and do a little spy workon their employees. it piqued curious nature so i watched as this COO of a horse racing company work a day in entry level jobs in company. he turned up as a guy doing a documentary on entry level jobs. so for a week he traded his ties and suits to learn about working as a horse trainer, a cleaner doing the night shift and then also a jockey valet. its was funny when he was described as too slow and aslo teased about not making it by his colleagues. he noted that it was hard workand theseemployees stay on and slug it out for more than just to put food on the table.

most touching part where i cried was when he was learning the ropes to be a valet and had to keep trackof the races reading of the list on a clipboard. it was taking the laundry, polishing boots and then cheering on the jockeys kinda list. then all the while on the clip there was a photo of a young girl on the clip board. mr COO didn't ask who the girl was until at the end of the day the former jocket turned valet told him that it was a picture of his 20 year old daughter who died of a heart complication. he keeps her photo to remind himof her love for horses and dream to be a jockey but died without fufilling her wishes. he said she's his angel now and i bet he had dreams about becoming her valet.

mr. coo then later realised that he was so caught up about the job and was looking at the clipboard all the time without realising that the photo also said, in memorium and listed her birth and death dates. mr. COO regretted very much he didn't notice that something personal about the person he was working with. i obviously by then had snot dripping from my nose.

the show ended on happy notes. all of them received something in return for their show of kindness. the trainer got new stalls for more horses. the front office girl got transferred to marketing to learn the ropes and then the cleaning lady got a raise. ultimate was the valet guy who got a race day named in her memory. the lucky guy will get to award the champion trophy to the race champion *sniff*

so yeah~ my teevee session was sweet.

stay sane,
j.amyemeelea

ps: i want my kitty pelok back soon.

wth

i just realised the title for the last entry was not meant or intended for the content at all.

WTF major.

as quietly as falling leaf

"Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones."
-- Marcus Aurelius

wanted to post the surprise kitty video that the terrors enjoyed over the weekend and also links to stuff over the internet that really tickled me BUT apparently i'm still go-blog (read: goblok = indonesian for stupid) and unable to work how to insert links and such. TSK. i DID it before in other entries but haven't been able to repeat the process.

since we celebrated the terrors may burstdays waaaAAAY before, this time it was just small tiny cakes for terror 2 and terror 3. the gal got a melody rabbit cake and the boy got cookie monster haha! i sang happy birthday to each of them and that was all. i apologised about the simplicity of it all. but the boy didn't want to hear any of it. he insisted it is the thought that counts and i remembered. putera emir hafeez is perfect 10 today and the teeny wee no. 3, emira natasha turned 8 last friday. terror 1 talked to me about her secret crush and then gossiped about school friends.

best is the girls each made me a mommy day card and i got presents! a flower and a bookmark. the boy of course told me he's been too busy to think about mommy day. later that night after our trek to nowhere, we made sock cats. it was kama's birthday in between the two terrors and yes, mama terrors beleive in menaingful presents. we made him a sock cat, one that he can reheat during winter. we all contributed to the making of the cat and of course in due course we made the living room a total mess. we stayed up till wee hours of the morning to finish it. okay so terror 2 and 3 gave up at 130am because they were dead tired. only terror 1 managed to open her eyes up till 5am before succumbing to snooze. needless to say, i crashed and left the last bits of wrapping and making the card the next day. it was a good simple weekend where i turned naggy terrorist mum at least for 24 hours. such bliss! :p

kama liked his presents :) we included sweets too. i couldn't make the card as elaborate as i wanted too. there is still time i figured because bestdays burstdays are a WHOLE MONTH yeay! also, i got him tickets to watch macbeth at fort canning. i wanted it to be a nice picnic but yeah...i didn't have time to do everything properly. better luck next time. we enjoyed ourselves and i'm glad everyone had fun.

well, its the hols tomorrow and i just googled what is vesak day muahaha..and i got it right. at least close! i said its to celebrate buddha's enlightment and merging at one with the whole conciusness. simply put - The festival celebrated with great ceremonial ritual by Buddhists is Vesak Day, which commemorates the birth and enlightenment of Buddha and his entry into Nirvana. see! all that civic and moral class did some good hehe.

to do tomorrow: write letter to susan! meet lina and write letters to the children. i feel guilty that i have never written anything for terror 3. original that is, so yes...tomorrow i'll take some time and let it flow.

now need to rush off! kama's going to be on tv and i need to pick up a wedding invite.

bestest,
j.

ps: I AM GOING to get it right for future entries! need to master the art of blogging properly!!! TSKKK...

burstdays.

13th 15th and 16th may. okay if i add mama it will be another early may birthday last 2nd. i knows biks birthday is this month but i forgot which date it is. but i caught remie's birthday belatedly and remember vaguely that they might be celebrating anniversary too! okay shitte...it is makji's birthdayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy as well!! GAH~

its definitely time to catch up with everyone next week before its off again to shadowland. today, i need to brace myself up for a day with the terrors and terror 1 has suggested a picnic up in the hills for all of us. weather looks okay so far and they love rain anyway so we'll be good. she invited her school friends as well i believe, which is good so that i could spend more time with 2 and 3. force them to cough up a belated happy mommies day for me >)

which reminds me...i'm a cool mum.

just that i don't want to be dito's mum hurhurhur...

insane,
j.

ps: back to the loft for the weekend where there's no room for annoyance or angry words in my room. JUST laundry and birthday bursts!

post election.

the plan was to write an entry about the elections but i just got majorly stumped by a new label.

you see, i'm a big collector of labels and its been quite a few years since i've had any new ones. TODAY.....i was supliseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed...

because the latest label to describe me is.....

LOST MUSLIM.

not extreme, moderate, secular or deviant HOKAY.

but LOST.

wow~ that is something to think about :p

stay sane,
j.amyemeelea.

ps: penyakit lebabi ini ketularan tak ehk?

confirm confirmed = is that double confirm?

ladida lunchtime photo reminder by a pap supporte >P she shall remain anoynomous for very obvious reasons. and its right on the money. some games are fun. some aren't.

and TRIPLE confirm when you're losing! it really sucks when you're losing money, beauty, votes *ooopss* TRUST and if you're xiaXu* losing FRESH ideas!, playing games with no sense of the rules will hurt you bad.

i'm really enjoying the roller cosater ride this election week and good to note, many are taking the cooling time off to ponder to be wise. unlike the stupid mensa bitch currently on my fuck off list is of course xiaxue. but it will be acting out the decision on who to vote for tomoorow will be hard i'm sure. should i go for breast size? how they speak on tv or maybe just rely on this very good guide - http://knowyourmps.blogspot.com/. *LOLOL*

my participation in this election is very minimal and closed within a select few. i found myself missing powwsters again yesterday while i had another rousing talk with kama. and then i laugh at bobby's sms to tell me i HAVE to vote for PAP. the most interesting is that i've managed to turn into a decent PAP supporter muahahahaha. my vote is quite set for tomorrow.

and on a very sly note..i'll like to plug this article on the recent osama/obama detah news going on viral for the boyfriend *cough*
http://www.nst.com.my/nst/articles/TerrorindustryalivedespiteOsama__8217_sdeath/Article/index_html by kama lar!

*ahems* shameless ehk? its my shameless xiaxue side that i'm showing >)

stay sane,
J.amyemeelea

when the axe falls.

i voted once and then it was a walkover. the feeling of minute power immense as i held tight on my polling slip and queued patiently in line to mark the X on where i thought will mark changes into the future. not only my future but that of my family, my kids. not bad at all i kept telling myself and looked around to see others keeping to themselves. the amount of people that morning was a lot. the queues went right around the block and it seemed like they pulled out even the most seniors from the civil service closet on standby.

no dramas ensued of course. we are singaporeans afterall but at second glance i wondered if everyone felt that much in them other than 'voting is compulsory'. i sensed some simmered with the need to make a difference somehow. even if it means voting for someone we hardly knew. damn! i couldn't even explain what democracy means then! its not much of a secret to many where my X was going to be. i knew we needed 'alternative voices' and i still needed to stay a rebel somewhat :p

tomorrow is nomination wednesday. election fever has reached new highs if i base my own experiences from the past. i still feel pissed i didn't get to vote on the recent 13th but it has since subsided the last 4-5 years or so. seeing that nothing much have changed, in fact its gotten a bit stale and worse, i realised that of course there'll be trash and mumbo-jumbo shit floating around. as it is in the realm of politics and politicians, its one huge drama. we get tired of being boring one party ruled state. the opposition is there but have they achieved much or have they been just 'noise'?

i enjoy malaysian politics and of course the taiwanese actually fight in parliment hehe. they draw arms and shoot people elsewhere in the world. reading about these going ons in the political world make me appreciate 'boring one ruled state'. BUT! up to date, we have singaporeans going into details about the candidates looks, sexual orientations and beleive it or YET again the issues of identity. all race based of course. wowwEEEeeee! so sexciting. NOT. what else can be put into the spotlight ehk?

well, i'll know for sure if i do get to mark that X this year by lunchtime tomorrow? we'll all be given the day off on may 7th and the consolation for me is that there'll be a party later that night. i made kama promise to go with me even though i'm still unsure where should i put my mark that day. or what to expect truly from all the excitement which looks like its stemming much from anger and discontentment.

BLEARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

checking on the fundamentals now and erasing the hoopla of political hubris so that i can make an informed choice. i want strength and honesty to be my basics *gulps* and it sheepishly looks like it spells PAP?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *pulls hair* OR OR ORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR....the axe falls again on my instincts to put in the vote for the rebels. JUST cause........

they might trace my doodles on that poll slip and ban me forever from voting.

pensive,

j.amyemeelea

ps: i know what VAPID means weird uncle.

involuntary dreams..

why should good news hurt my feelings? especially now? *sigh* i can't stop dreaming and who knows why i do but good or bad, i'd find a way to tell it to you. anyway i know you mean well. so i'll just keep that in mind.

even though it hurts again to know that i'll be ALWAYS last to know if you can ever help it.

anyway, no one ever believed me so why should you hehe....

never sane,
amy

ps: congratulations! don't faint *lolol*

somethings broken and its YOU

..were you even born!

so i did rent that dvd of the 3 idiots for ditto boy. he asked why i wans't home but thats beside the point isnt it? he wanted to have movie night but couldn't rent the dvd because of his foreign talent status. apparently he doesn't want to cough up the 50 security deposit. me being nice and actually feeling his sad lonely nights went ALL the wayyyyy out to rent that dvd so that he can gather the rest and watch that movie. also, i felt guilty because he bought garrets popcorn for the intended movie night but didn't promise to watch it with them. he got pissed but he didn't say much so that was that. that was SUNDAY.

today is THURSDAY.

dvd is not returned! )**&^&%^$&&(*_)(+)+__*()(^

i'm heading back tonight and WILL have to return the dvd and pay the fine. which is fine because i need to run errands too BUT still anger-anger with his farkendooodoo reply of my request to help return the dvd. his exatc reply for ALL of facebook to see is:

ditto asshole :- Okay, for one thing, why the hell are you asking me? I can't be at 2 places at once y'know. Ask Gail. Or if for once she actually comes home to stay, ask Eeqa.
57 minutes ago · Unlike · 1 person <-- i liked this immediately.

of course he didn't take it as sarcasm OH-BECAUSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...he's a piece of shit. THERE! and yes ditto..i really mean it and when i GET the opportunity to tell it to your FACE. I'll slap it like wet undies over your crapdoodle face a gazillion times. i wish you could never FART douchebag! ninano!!!

well, he's going away for the weekend back to his home country so tonight will be sweet respite. i wonder what i can 'do' *evilgrin* to make him NOT come back or at least get into trouble at the airport :p TSSSK.

so before i spoil my weekend mood...i shall inhaleeeeeeeee and exhaleeeeeee. hopefully this feeling of giving you a MAHA-ENEMA up yours will abate.

get out of my uncaring heartlander face!

j

weekend roll

<-- jogja's oldest surviving kopitiam at malioboro street. as taken by mr. wunderkind who really likes it when i laugh and crinkle my eyes. i think i look still very much my cheshire self :D

the meeting at work just ended and everyone has left. i'm supposed to meet the terrors at kak tina's but now they are out for some ice cream. i am sure they blackmailed her to get them out of the house using my failed promise of mcdonald's delivery. i don't think we can make it for movie night at the loft now. since its already 8pm and am not sure if the rental place will stay up. i'm not sure WHY i even agree on doing this. only because i pity poor ditto who couldn't rent a dvd UNLESS he puts in a security deposit of 50 dollars. anyway i'm going to RENT the thing once and for all so that he'd stop bugging me about it. the movie is so 2009 and he can't seem to get it out of his head. URGHHHHHH. i could get an ulcer just thinking about him going on and on and ONNNNNNN.

for now, its getting the kids back the loft to stay the night. and then to deal with their complaints about terror 3 and their boring, awful few weeks at home. then its a rush tomorrow to send them back home before 3pm because they have thier tuition in the afternoon. apprently thats reasonable to the kids and i don't want to argue or fight it. i need the rest. of course there are other tons of stuff i could do like laundry and clean the house :p i might just trawl some hobby & crafts places to source for my pet projects. i intend to make a few birthday presents. namely for terror 2 and 3 whose birthday is in may. kama's as well. not forgetting...its bobbys birthday in a few days time too. he's turning 32.

AHA! best thing to happen today is that i have figured out a way to get internet connection!! its the wire around the house solution again. tried it out before i left this morning and it worked! just need to get the internet cable. just need it to be long enough so that i could surf in my room and not in the living room. hellOOOoooo movies *ahems* or rather more reading and of course writing :D

the not so good stuff but quite relieved that it didnt fully materialise was when lindot told me she wants to go ahead with a much more conventional aprroach to getting rich. its been 2 months of talking but its not good enough progress for lindot. i can understand why she wants it to fly so there is no reason why she should wait. its her dream anyway and like biks said, why wait on someone else to realise your dreams. i'm not arguing that at all. it just makes me now wonder if i've met all my goals and objectives this year?

frankly, i'm happy with myself. gosh...i sound so lifeless and boring :p BUT! i know i must lose weight muahahaha. i can't fit into my jeans today. trip to jogja was a nice respite. we ALMOST went skinny dipping at the pool but our sensibilities made us brake at the front door. i went with no expectations (as always) and so the surprises came easy. the only purchase was for biks lil something. which i'm going to work on too.

dehemit.

why do i choose sleep over eveything?!

stay sane,
j.amyemeelea.

post its

- lack of jealousy only means double the securities and NO it does not mean he doesn't love you. UNLESS you've been cheating, then try not to quack in your pants every time he asks questions :D orh~ disclaimer : a bit is still needed but its called compersion.

"Right inside the jealous episode is a fiery core of erotic passion. It may surprise you how good it feels, and if you get there, you can be sure you're stepping right into compersion." - in other words, tread carefully.

- buy rope. its for the idiots to hang themselves. che. michelle, please go first.

- FTW. means = For The Win ps: those who often use this loves RPG :p

- your vote is important which is why i'm sleeping in on that day.

- its not generation gap between you and me. i wasn't paying attention. yes, you caught me. HAPPY NOW?! *smirk*

- not writing down stuff BACKFIRED major!

another wall!

terror one just called. very bad reception am not sure why. i tried calling back but there wasn't any answer. she sounded sad and hesitant. only because she wanted my reply to be "YES! LETS!!" no questions asked.

obviously i told her i already have plans for this weekend. assumed that they'd be busy with their dad.i do the assuming only when i'm tired. it sucks. i feel very SUCKYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!

before she crackled off, i TOLD her that it was the promise to call me by friday night. every friday night, she has to tell me IF we'd meet for the weekend. so i'd know and arrange my time to go and pick them up. her excuses or rather explanation was, "i got back late and couldn't call you." i told her off, couldn't, wouldn't shouldn't..which is it?

the line broke off before we could say goodbye. i imagine her hanging by the phone. trying to make sense why her mum had to be so brusque. the rest will ask why and then shrug to mean 'yeah, your not THE favourite now.' or something else. the dad and stepmum will of course use this as another example of my lack of love to the terrors.

tsk.

annoyed,
j.amymeelea

the writing on the wall

i finally know how to hide my wall from others today!

so far i can hide from individual people because i DO NOT want to express my interests and experiences and connect with people who do not like the same things as i do.

and i believe i can ALSO hide it from a WHOLE group of people if i wanted to. that's what the friendlists are for.

SO FAR i have only blocked completely people who i do NOT want to connect at all from my facebook. its a total 14 peeps i personally found distasteful in character and behavior.

now i am seriously rethinking if i want to extend that list to include minority groups. to maybe look like :-

1) those who can see my wall posts but not my photos
2) those who can comment on my posts but not on my wall
3) those i call my friends but do not ever want to meet them in person
4) those who are family but are so far removed from my reality that they must not see my tagged photos. to avoid gossips at family events you see

.........

BLEARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

why the hell is this totally bugging me? privacy settings are FARKING bugging me!!! how in heaven's name do you people do it man *lips quiver*


stay sane,
j. amyemeelea

plugging it

its back to land of shadows next week before a short stint in bongoland aka kay el, malaysia. i wish to be anywhere BUT here after the recent fiasco but i bit my tongue at simply blowing wishes. simple ones at least. i don't want to end up in shadowland while there's another quake OR how gross will it be that the ride up to bongoland be on a bus full of roaches.

i tried to think, feel and work on the details once again. my mind drew blanks and the scratches on paper illegible.

NUMB.

yeaps, some travel should do it. IT BETTER!

stay sane,
j.amyemeelea

hard decisions

you asked me if i have given up. why don't i fight hard enough. how could i not want to push a little harder for your sakes. will it be difficult to stop smoking, cover up and basically do everything you say.

YOU SAY!
YOU SAY!!!
YOU ALL SAY!!!

i must do this, that and a whole thousand little must must musttttttttttttttttttt to prove that i care. i love you. i really do.

sacrifice. do it for us! US! US!!!

it got very emotional for me. even though its really nothing new. i have these face offs with your dad and your stepmom and the rest of the world out there for yonks = close to 8 years in fact. it shouldn't have been too difficult for me to laugh it off. scoff at the stories and flip them away as sillyspeak and then skip alongside with you to dinner.

why?

because it still hurts.

why?

am i not human?

ultimately..it just crossed my mind.

i am your MOTHER!!!

you know it, they know and i can definitely confirm that fact but....WHY?! WHYYYY?!!! must they keep you away from me unless i do as YOU SAY. THEY SAY.

its not so much the you says that blows my short fuse but its the : WE say because THEY told us to say that i cannot..simply cannot tolerate anymore.

so there.

i'm going to take my time again with this issue but am going to give it till end of this year. i will do what i need to do and can do for you with NO ONE to TELL me what to do.

not even you terrors.

this is hard and i cannot even fathom how i am going to do it. everything i did, i had to do was for the 3 of you. as the 3 of you have been my meaning to life, my sanity. but i guess...i'll be alright. mama will always be steady.

how did i get this numb?

j.amyemeelea