Impulsiveness.

To jump at events, people and new experiences with naught much thought have always been my forte. It is only much later when the moment slowly slides that I catch up with the reality of things and the full impact of those moments in time engulf me in entirety.

I called the 3 terrors while shifting through work today to make arrangements to pick them up. Nyce smsed to invite me to dinner and I replied happily that we’d be celebrating terror no. 3’s third birthday! And earlier on while secretly having a conversation with my oh-so-cute and hilarious colleague deb-deb-debra over internal email I expressed my happiness about having plans to see the kids today. I was so looking forward that when the following conversation brushed past me I couldn’t stop myself from blowing serious snot and therefore freaking my other colleagues. From seriously high I was a sobbing wrecked and snotty Amy.

Ring ring
Grandma picked up and I asked for number 1. She hollered her annoyance and gave reason she was busy and I heard the grandmum shouted over to number 2 to tell me that I couldn’t pick them up today because their father was going to bring them out today. I didn’t feel much and spoke to my ever sensitive and diplomatic son who’s short of just 3 days away from turning 6 years old himself.

Number 2 : ma..You can’t pick us up today cos we are going out with papa. You see us next time okay?

Mama Amy: errm….okay. are you guys going out to celebrate number 3’s birthday? That’s nice *stillupbeatnie* but am I going to get to see you tomorrow? I thought maybe we could do a little celebration today/

Number 2: cannot….we are going out and tomorrow we have school and after school *mumblemumble*

Mama Amy: ok then after school I come pick you up. Can you call number 1 so I can tell her about our plans?

Number 2: ok jap eh.

Shuffling noises in the background and then to my sweet surprise!!!

Number 3 aka the birthday girl: elo mama amy!

Mama Amy: how are you darling?! And happy birthday!

Birthday girl: *giggles* I’m fine. I want present!

Mama Amy: aiks! I just got you a present. Where’s your talking cat I got you?

Birthday girl: da hilang. Abang and kakak kasi hilang *whiny*

Mama Amy: well you didn’t take care of your cat so that’s how it got lost.

Birthday girl: I want Barbie doll!

Mama Amy: but you have so many of em! But okay, when I see you we’ll see if we can get something for everyone okay? So today you be a good girl and take care of yourself. I’m not picking you up. Insyaallah, tomorrow ok??

Birthday girl: ma……grandma says I have to follow mama baru *newmama* and next time mama lama *oldmama* ok??

Mama Amy: *choke* ehk?? Mama baru???!! What about mama lama?! *notynoty* well, ok then, what’s your mama’s name?

Birthday girl: *sayshername* and giggles prettily :P

Mama Amy:eh that’s your name lar! Wot’s my name?!!

Birthday girl: mama amy.

Mama Amy: ok then so what’s your mama baru’s name? :)

Birthday girl: mama baru.

Mama Amy: *sniffhaha * eeeks?! you don’t know her name? Ok, when you see her why don’t you ask her what’s her name and tell mama amy ok? *breakingdown*

Birthday girl: ok. So today I cannot see you ok? *Sweetwhispers* see you next time.

Mama Amy: *squeekingsniff* ok…you go have a good birthday and time and be a good girl. Happy birthday darling…*chokingonmytinysobs * you take care and have fun *voicecracks*

Birthday girl: ok..bye bye mama. I love you I miss you. Ok I put down now.

Mama Amy: *coversfacewithpaper* I love you. I miss you *sobsob*

Birthday girl: I love you. I miss you. I love you. I miss you….

Click.

I tore a piece of tissue paper from my desk to stop the gush of tears and walked out of the office. I could hear my colleagues call after me but I couldn’t hold back my full-blown sobs and blew my nose hard squatting by the carpark. I composed myself and walked into the office to clear my work. All the while my mind whirred away and my heart stopped for a bit before beating super fast. Maybe it was anger, maybe it was huge disappointment but I know it was I doing penance.

Back home now. Bobby and shikino bought me lunch of beef noodle that I couldn’t swallow :) Thank you deb-deb-debra for wanting to wait for me and the hug. Now trying not to dwell on my phonecall. After getting of the train I called the kids and finally got a pouty number 1 on the phone. We whispered softly and made arrangements to meet next week and she promised to be a good girl and my heart slowly sang its song of merciful relief. She complained naughty birthday girl hit her on the arm and refused to make her a card. It soon felt like things are back to normal. Another quick phonecall to my pillar of strength but it was left unanswered...again after a few tries from last night. my pillar must still be in crumbles of dust and i felt a twang of helplessness.

Oh well….

Stay sane,
amyemeelea