Narrow Mindbenders

*bubu and juju to reflect my sentiments* 

The Lady was more interested in proving herself right than in getting the best outcome so the conversation started innocently as usual with a question if I had used the blue wash she bought for the white shirts while I was doing laundry. I already knew where this was going and not going to be pretty so I said yes, but we use it while handwashing and not with the machine. 

The thing is, she doesn't ask questions. She just wants to show me where I am wrong without understanding where I am coming from so regardless of my answers, I already knew that she will be angry if I get her to explain something. 

My mistake was to add that kama washes his own shirts *oops!* and her retort was why marry if he has to do his own laundry. Of course, silly me said he likes washing his own laundry and that mode of thinking was so outdated. Women and men do their own laundry and more so now, husbands and wives just share the load without assigning specifics. I could see she was getting more agitated because she said she doesn't believe in all that and will speak to kama about it. Obviously, I have said more than I should so I just brushed her off (I was cool about this) and made my exit. 

I couldn't help but wonder where the hell that comes from and why. This is to avoid being narrow-minded about narrow-minded people *hahaha* Between me and Kama we considered some possible reasons for her behaviour and came up with a list to include : 

1. Life circumstances - she is lonely and needs an outlet to vent and rant. 
2. Past negative experiences - divorce and prolonged separation I guess
3. Mental illness - onset dementia due to age 
4. Low self-esteem - or her narcissism 
5. Other things - jealously towards us? or the fact that she ever told me to know my place. for the life of me, I still can't figure out what she meant by that. 

In the end, this is a recurring theme with The Lady and if we consider returning back here for good to be an option then I guess we will have to keep being assertive, respectful of her age and not escalate the situation. A huge note to self is to be reminded that sometimes it's just better to disengage and take a break on occasion. or in this case all the time :p 

The Self Revisited

 

2 years into COVID and after today's catch up with Dre and Susu, I just realised that I still have The Self on the back burner. Dre was talking about moving over to substack when I told her about my plans to do a food blog so I finally sat down to make a choice for The Self Center. Last I was thinking about deleting it forever because it might bog me down in the future. It's a part of me that I want to bury or rather I am ashamed of my long rambles. Then I stumbled upon old entries about the terrors and I sent them to terror 1 who convinced me to keep the blog. 

She found my entries cute! I will definitely try to tinker some more and archive these entries and panicked a bit when I tried to log in and blogger asked me to create another blog! Whispered a prayer and TADAH it is all safe :D 

I have been blogging since 2005 and missed three whole years of NOT writing. I think safe to say that I could have moved to pen and paper in those missing years or just updated random thoughts on the Journey app. Welp!! Now I am back with proper capitalisation for my sentences but will still use the least amount of diacriticals where possible. 

Dre made me realise that I miss writing for myself so I am BACKKKKKKKKKKKK. In the pandemic era *nuff said* if for nothing else then I want to keep it alive longer for the terrors. The substack I will use for a small project to do with Dre and concentrate on food. Just for shits and giggles, also to fulfil my initial goal of writing that recipe book that I wanted to do here in KL. Everything evolves...I have evolved! Or at least I believe I have :p 

Now off  pour faire mes devoirs pour le cours de français~ 

ZEITGEIST RAYA, SG edition v.01

Thank you for small blessings and all the understanding. May this Raya bring laughter, joy and reflections of how small achievements can lead to scaling great heights. I wish for the same to all my friends and frenemies hehehe. And most of all, peace and love people!

Maaf Zahir dan Batin,

j@e

ps: dear mama, you should be proud of me because I am such an exemplary daughter in law *not* but i promise you mama, i will never be what they wish of me because you taught me well and you taught me best. sifat kewanitaan itu tidak terletak pada ukuran mata dan nilai seorang isteri bukan pada dasar yang sedia ada. bunga liar hanya kembang didalam hutan kerana indahnya untuk tatapan yang berani mencari.

Cut away the ties that bind us

This is from my made to order journal for the start of the year and keywords to stick by for the rest of the year till say 2019 are:-

. Consolation
. growth and healing
. thanksgiving
. proposed solutions to dilemmas
. obstacle
. pride, selfishness and vanity
. root chakra

SO yeaps..happy birthday to me and may all my intentions for health, abundance and love stay on track and on FIRE.

stay sane,

j@e

proof yet again me dumbo..

Warning :- Loads of Self depreciating humour because Trump did win! And someone did win his bet haha. Upon reflection if I was American then I am a dumbo too for not voting with my vagina. It just shows that when one is not informed of the facts (political and social policies) and its serious repercussions on society as whole then this is what you get. A reality tv has been for President. Well I admire his guts anyway for actually running for President but with that said it is time for me once again to get on sharpening my brains. Why the hell did I even think I would even vote for him!? Even if hypothetically voting!

Since then I caught up with the nephew in California and at least he was optimistic about the changing times in US. I can't say much then since I absolutely know nothing about US politics anyway besides what I have read on facebook and elsewhere. I find myself reading about the news more so on facebook than anywhere else. No BBC no CNN no other verified sources of news and it scares me. Recently facebook told me that I liked about 8,775 items I perused in 2016 ALONE. That scares me too. These were not even proper comments but simply likes or at least now you can choose from an array of emoticons.

I kid myself when I say I am actually topping up my knowledge base when I am simply dumb-ing down my experience by not participating in any conversation at all. No one is allowed to post anything on my page either since that little tiff I had with Kama. I have grown inwards since forever I feel and that is not healthy. Even my reading at leisure has stopped drastically since we got married. Of late I find myself more glued to the tablet for the games.

Bath time has even changed to watching killer documentaries instead of reading but to my defense, I have consciously been trying to amend that; refusing to alter my sense of me time and zen in the bathtub. Looking back 2016 has consisted of too many fluid changes although non abrupt. Routines have a sense of consistency but none that adds to the foundations of my idea of self. Yes I have had more time to connect with people who matter but not many would have been my first choice. Overall it all feels imposed and hollow. The feel of genuine meeting of minds and an intuitive connection of camaraderie has been tense.

Terror one has become my shadow for almost everything and Kama won't even trust me to cross the road hehe. Whatever is left of 2016 now is more leaning to please end already and spare me this restlessness. The good thing is we are finally starting on the archiving project at least. A simple offer of conciliation maybe to prove myself to be more than I am. More to put on the plate in addition to minding the house et all and prove that me, myself and I could not just be simply - a homemaker or housewife.

I still like 'professional bummer' or to update this tag I shall amend it to 'pro idler'. I think it sounds more polished for polite company or rather the intellectual set. I don't think I can bear hearing Kama trying his damndest to introduce me as his research assistant while in fact I research nothing but recipes and also home crafts. I sometimes try to imagine myself to be as fierce as Martha Stewart just to keep up the positive vibes but it hurts to keep up with false pretenses. Maybe because I couldn't care less about plating every dinner and I truly can't go beyond decorating past clean and comfy. Okay so I am anal about organizing our home but yes, these past few months I have to agree that stay at home moms and wifeys never deserve truly any credit in general.

At least the main reasons to stay at home now has since abated. Terror one has gone over her major exam and we are hoping that she gets to her school of choice. Kama has gotten his promotion and can only go higher from here. Well he can choose to slow down a bit if so he chooses but I guess this now will not be an option because suddenly the idea of family and the responsibilities to provide will be his only aim to murder next year and all the years ahead.

Well now it is just left with me. What will this self set to do in 2017?

Stay sane,

j@e

ps: terror one just peeked over my shoulder and exclaimed horror when she found out that I have a blog *rollseyes*

alarm!

Post US elections and really thinking hard about my own choice 'if' I was an american and sadly - I would actually vote for trump because I won't want to vote with my vagina. 

Besides the sad rhetoric thrown into the campaign etcetera, I imagined that if I had to switch that election into the local context then there is no two way about it - all elections (political) will play on the heartstrings. 

Oh how it sings! 

Now...onward to the next horrible thing to happen in 2016! 

Ragged, 

J@e

ps: next presidential election in singapore 'reserved' for malay only. 

Binge on hope.

Dear Mama,

I have been told by you-know-who to 'know my place'. It was not literal but she kept reminding me to do this and do that. To act like this and then to act like that. You know I don't like to be explicitly told right Ma so this is a problem. The major problem being she is who she is and I DO know my place in relation to her.

So Ma...please help me remain strong and remind me to curb my temper and not retaliate in defense of my ego. I believe you will tell me to keep myself in place and in check whilst I MUST throw out my ego (temporarily) to keep the status quo. The toughest part will have to be following your footsteps Ma! Your patience knew no bounds and you always had hope.

Me?

I will never be like you Ma but I can only try. You knew your place and you always kept it above everyone else and that is exactly what I will try to emulate. I'll try to keep the conversations light and happy and center it around food :p

I miss you so much Mama.

a long lunar retrograde

The retrograde ended last January 25th but the after effects and shake ups is trailing me to no end till today. I have always said that I write when I am most depressed and I guess after such a long time from my last entry - today is the day. 

I cried at the stroke of midnight in the arms of the beloved and the only reply to "Why." was "Because you know me, I cry when I am happy." Truth be told, I was as much as shocked as him when the tears decided to come. The dreams that came right after were blurry and tinged with much grey. Of course the sun came and the shadows disappeared the next day. 

It is the New Year. "Please let me have a kitten." I wished aloud to nothing. 

Nope, Godly Kitten did not appear and show no signs of making an appearance except for in cute meme. I iz sad no haz point in goiiiiiiinggggg onnnnnnnnnn. I take a grip of myself and remind the self to loosen the grip a bit. Hopefully this will help me breathe a little bit easier to prepare for what is coming - the onslaught of reflections and introspection over the horizon.

I can't help the feeling of tristfulness and blame it all on Mecury in retrograde.

Stay sane,

Jamymeemelea

PS : I feel the funnies are marching soon to the pages ahead. Till then tooodleloo!

Hari Raya 2014

Bunga main Api ~

We have never been big on celebrations and this year was no exception. Low key meet ups and random visits were in order. The terrors had fun and at least they got to meet our family. One step up was that terror 2 had the courage to come join us this year after sulking much over a bad family fiasco. It was just the four of us again and somehow the kids managed to get me promise to co-ordinate our outfits for next year. I guess they want to set in motion some key rituals for us to keep tight and look one as a family since I am huge on being individuals. 

It was a nice surprise to be able to see the terrors the first week of Hari Raya when before I would have to have for two to three weeks before finally making visits. My family by now is so used to not seeing me so early were nicely surprised too but there was still the odd comments about how I will live to regret _not_ having custody of the terrors after 10 freaking years! As usual my comebacks have been quick to point out, we are _fine_ thank you very much. Another key news was that their father got in the local papers and shared his story about his early detection of Hep B which could have lead to liver cancer. He is safe now of course but has to depend on lifetime of drugs to ensure that his liver will be okay. The terrors were nonchalant about the news but I do know that they were scared for a bit when he was in the hospital. I wondered if this was why he seems to be more chill about the kids seeing me. Did that brush with death softened him a bit? Or the fact that they are expecting a new addition to the family that changed his perspectives on our strained relationship all this while? 

The week before Kama and me were in kay el to see his niece and nephew who were with us for their summer hols. While Kama was busy with CNA doing the shoot for another documentary, I busied myself with the kids to play badminton and swimming. Mak ordered all the raya goodies but she did manage to teach me how to cook oxtail dalcha and ayam panggang raja! We also managed to catch up with bernie, iban man and mag on the eve of raya at our place. A tad emotional towards the end of the night after iban man and mag left (it was way past her bedtime) because soon bernie will be leaving for states and god knows when we could catch up again. It was just nice to go with the spirit of the holidays or whatever is left of it. 

One can't help but feel sombre due to all that is happening around the world. Death permeates our conversations with what is going on in middle east and then the mystery of MH370 still left unexplained. Just a few days before that another MAS flight crashed in Ukraine killing all on board too. Back at home in Singy the news is tainted with oppression too if not the uneasiness of discord. What with the wear white movement against pink dot and then the free my library fiasco. I can't help but reflect on how fast time flies and how dangerous our present feels. School has been fantastic but money is tight at least for me. My savings are fast dwindling and I feel unsettled. Grades could be better but I am glad  managed to score high in a subjects and feel better about myself. I'll never be that intellectual that I want to be I guess but the journey is still long...even within close quarters there are so many questions left unanswered and I realised I've stopped asking for sometime. 

Well, at least to end this I ask from *you* to keep on wishing good thoughts and know that I ask for your forgiveness for all that was said and left unsaid. The actions that shreds good impressions are of my carelessness. If you have forgotten it might have been best for us but when somehow or somewhere if this self fleetingly came to mind with just a slight of sorrow, please forgive me for I do not know how I could have been callous not to have the courage to take it up with you and say - I do care even if I did not show. 

Selamat Hari Raya, Maaf Zahir Batin. 

j. amy emeelea 

chasing sunrise and counting chickens before they hatch.

I took three modules for the first semester and my in class tests results were really good. Averaged at 70% enough to me a distinction woohoo! Well all except for Statistics *bleargh* and I was over the moon. I was super confident that I could maintain the scores right up to end semester results but boy was I wrong. The final result slip for Crisis Management was emailed in yesterday and I scored only a credit (60-69%) *ARGHHHHHHHHHHH!* my heart crashed and I wondered what went wrong. Now awaiting for HDPP and Statistics to show how steep the down curve was.

Even F was disappointed and warned me not to slack. I felt angry and then sad and now just resigned to the fact that I need to buckle up and work harder for the long haul. The euphoria of the short holiday I took to Boracay, Phillipines quickly dissipating *le sigh* just like how quick the sun rose over crystal cove and into the skies.

I am mulling over details of the past 3 months now and the urge to break things is very strong now *ehe ehe ehe*. Well, one can't cry over spilled milk so I am redirecting the energy to pick up the slack and here I am goblogging my despair. Happy thoughts! I need happy happy thoughts!

Kitty happy thoughts! and......

ZEN. 

*breatheeeeeeeIN...BREATHEEEEEEEout*

This semester another 3 modules set to go and first class after term break yesterday was good. I saw familiar faces and already stress buttons were pushed when we all started to compare results :p As expected, our assignment questions were set out and briefed to the hyperventilating students hehe. The plan is the same, set out early and have to find the discipline to keep to schedule. I just can't find any excuses for the dip but intuitively I know I have been just a tad too cocky with my flexibility and gave in to the rest of my wants.

It has been endless youtube videos, no excercise and nope! housework is not exercise hor! and damn facebook! *muahahahah* also the fact that I am financially dependent on F has been quite challenging to my free spirit ways. So when *che. nickocheeko* my ex boss called me to ask if I want to come back with a higher pay package, I found myself really tempted to say YES! I will be getting a straight up promotion and almost double my last drawn salary but of course I know the expectations then will be shooting through the roof.

Apparently, they finally broke the camel's back and *mr. saifool* quit leaving the manager's position open for interpretation haha! I thought it will be such sweet revenge to come back and take over just like that but hell no! Who wants the abuse? Obviously the long hours will eat into study time and instead of averaging at 60% I might just have to resit for all the modules again gah! Horror of horrors man!

so okay lor....

There is only one way to go that is ----- FORWARD smiling :)

Lessons learnt and all the butthurt with it.

Stay sane,

amie

to studenthood albeit temporarily!

one more week to go at work and these last days I am not sure why I even come to work. the days are draggy with short spurts of activity. in between serving my last month at work I have also begun classes. in fact, I just finished a study session with ms. midchild. so I have been stretching my days to last long enough for school. of course I had a cold and lost my taste for kretek ciggerattes too. which is just as well because I've taken to pinch kama's bensons of late. he is being sweet by sharing and told me to ly of the kretek too for the sake of my throat.

my last day will be on the 13th feb so technically when we fly off the next day on the 14th, I am already freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

this scares me somewhat but that was in the beginning. after the 13th, I will have to kick off with a bang and will map out the next few weeks with relish. it will be of school and exams and even working out the details for the serat centhini trip I might take with darling lies. in april the trip to boracay is set and the gang has even managed to find seriously cheap places that looks amazing. of course I am sure it will suck ass by about 20% when we arrive. but I am not going to mind because that will be the start of the second term and I hope to do well (exceptionally if I can help it) to be able to have the courage to seek other gainly form of employment.

who knows I might end up at Volkswagen again ;p

tiredly yours,

amy.

ps: will it be enough to just cook and clean? why the heow did she even mention it?

saturday out.

i gate crashed cita yesterday after work and was just in time to watch an angklung performance. the main intention was to touch noses with 3 interesting ladies i met last year and hopefully whisk them away for a personal tete a tete afters.  

the afters didn't happen because the girls had to do a de-brief and main macha woman che. anna was battling the flu while hosting the gig and stuff. all my hat-tips to this woman. while at it, i realised that it was a year ago maybe not exactly, that i was at the same event. coincidently again it was its second last instalment. i met some new people but some others from the last year, one of whom had a 12 month old baby!! she was pregnant the last time and teacher of the group of boys performing dikir barat. she remembered me maybe faintly from the last time and i wondered, did i make any impression at all from besides my common face.

i realised that i wore a similar strapless black dress. only this time, i had over my shoulders kama's stunning chikan shawl in black and hues of burnt ochre and reds. last year i had an antique kebaya with my dress. both are black and if last year was shiny stain, this year it was black mute velvet with a laced cut border at the bottom. BOTH dresses inherited from shikino. a fleeting moment of coincidences.

i didn't want to crash their debrief and traipsed off to meet che. lebabi incarnate fig2. the initial plan was to drag him to meet the girls and ease him (rather informally) back into the dating scene. i wanted him to know that women don't live in your heads. idealised person don't naturally materialise in reality. you got to reach out and feel and think around these ideals and form an opinion. the girls were told of my impromptu plan and they were excited about meeting a new face. they didn't like the fact it was only ONE guy (maybe not enough to go around) but i argued, it was NOT a date - date. or even a debutante ball. it was just coffee and dinner if all were game.

anyway, the girls promised to text later after their debrief and round up if time permits and i went over to drag mr. lebabi incarnate fig2 off for dinner. we had chicken rice and we argued about sharing a plate of liver. mr. fig2 told me of another engagement invite that he didn't want to go to and i told him why go if you don't feel like it AND i am not going to be his tag along friend for this. i had in mind to dish up sambal sardine and crispy prata at home. so it was settled then. we'd have dinner and hang out to catch up with the boys at pondok before we end saturday. he was to drop me off and then see his mom for late night grocery shopping and thought of heading into jb later tonight to top up petrol. i told him just call if he needed company but no way am i going to meet him mom and his aunt in my strapless dress. he already SAID i was naked. i didn't need that affirmation from makciks.

sneak peek away from work a done deal for this Saturday we both agreed.

i came back to an empty home and kama texted to say he blew up a land filled mine with bombs in Cambodia. he must be at the killing fields. i wish he did find that sweet spot to meditate. i ate and mr. fig2 texted later to say night into jb was off and he'd go tomorrow with his mom and aunty. the matchmaking streak by parents is strong with this one but i didn't want to say it. it worked for many and why not him? i just wish he'd laugh a lot more.

i cleaned up and happy that i don't have to worry about cooking tomorrow with the sambal sardine ready on the stove. i could just cook some rice and fry some veges for late lunch. as usual i'd talk to the plants and potter about settling the house. domesticated me to bring on theraphy always is lovely. a leisurely weekend sounds like bliss. kama said goodnight and just one more day from welcoming him home. I've always liked that we can each go on in seek of our own to come back again and seek comfort and love in our togetherness.

sleep and then late morning sunday morning brekkie done.

che. anna just sent her thank you for showing up yesterday and another big reason to catch up was to celebrate completion of he MA in malay studies at the NUS. next year she will be moving to another school to head the malay department! i just want her to get well and i know i will put in that effort for that spa weekend with her soon. too bad she has switched off from FB because that is how i tend to catch up with people now.

that realisation left me sad.

it is 3pm and i need only to prepare dinner for myself and sort the laundry. i'm going to pop in a movie and miss kama. i will renew my license and BOOK those DAMN lessons this evening. if ms. softie darlie can make changes for the unknown then i can to.

mantra for this week - be the change you want to see.

stay sane,

j.amy

ps : although i can't see myself quitting the fags just about now :p sorry terrors!

work notes.

i overslept and reported late to work. on the way at 11am my phone beeped and was told that a security officer called one of our residents an asshole this morning and she threatened to quit volunteering her time as a council member if the officer was not removed. the manager had asked me to handle the problem because i was in charge of security. as the team was very shorthanded today and after hearing what went on, I told the guys to hold on to the officer until a replacement was called in. i told the supervisor to keep him under the radar because we couldn't run the show with just 3 men. that was half the manpower needed.

of course no replacements were called in and she had to bump into the officer still on duty just after lunch. she went pass the office and said again she is really going to quit the council. i made the call and asked the said officer to leave immediately and thought nothing of it. i'll deal with the security company where it hurts i thought. i'll just charge them a fine over the incident.

hell broke loose at 4pm when she came down to the office to send in her resignation letter to the management citing 'not respected' as reason. apparently she was promised that the officer will be sent packing and he was still there.

I practically had to grovel and beg for her to stay and said the officer has since left the building. i rationalized that the only reason he stayed on was because we didn't have enough men to go around. in the end, of course she said she is so upset with ME because I didn't go up to apologise on behalf of the officer. then ranted on about how the manager and myself is not communicating. which is obvious because i wasn't there when it happened and IF the manager was already there to handle the matter, why should i suddenly bump into the picture and kiss her ass?

it was verbal abuse. no one likes to be called an asshole and yes, the officer went out of line BUT come on..............*speechless* so she liked my grovelling and the letter was thrown in the trash. we were saved from losing a resident volunteer. i sent in the email to the service provider and told them not to send him back. they also had to mind the fine of $500 due to the incident. its end day and i don't want to dwell on it anymore.

i feel empty and dirty. on that thought, she'll never have haemorrhoids. she's such a perfect asshole.

strained,

J.

escaping the stereotypes.

“I’d entered the city the way one enters any grand love affair: with no exit plan.” ~ Joan Didion.

how wonderful it is to live like that everyday!!

....and I try to keep that positivity, the feel wonder at very turn but when one is in the service line then it is very hard to do. today was easier to feel joy like that because it I didn't have to deal with complaint after complaint.

but one complaint did strike me as superfluous via email. I was quite familiar with this saralee cake because she has a seepage problem in her apartment. clearly after inspections done at her apartment it was suspected that the leak came from the unit above. this is what I do everyday, tell people we suspect it is coming from upstairs but besides writing to tell the neighbours upstairs to fix the problem we don't do much else. our jurisdiction is the common area and not private space *cartwheels*

of course by now, saralee cake knew enough to hanker us for a resolution but after hitting a tough wall of non committals from me she had nowhere else to turn to but the authorities. in this case it is the building authorities via email to demand that they help her force repairs by the neighbour. she copied us in her email to keep up with a semblance of keeping things in order but her objective was clear. she was going to COMPLAINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN until someone actually does the work for her.

she even quoted minister mentor in her email and threatened the officer with fobbing her off. she challenged the officer to keep fobbing her off and said she will take it to the higher authorities (maybe via the courts or something) if she didn't get a person, a real person to hold her hand and guide her through the process of lodging this complain. she didn't want links! what the hell could url links do?!! the atrocity of replying with links indeed!!! *prrft*

i didn't feel like telling her or helping her when all that it takes was to fill in some forms online and making payment of $500/- to make it legit. anyway i was just copied in the email *hehe* but she did send a side copy to request that i forward her email to the manager because it bounced. i did just that and tskked as i ended my reply. i can understand that she's angry and probably just lost in trail of formalities BUT come on....all you need is to look into the other corner and see if there is another way out.

i know that this problem will fall into my lap to resolve sooner or later but i was too swamped today in my own reverie of wanting to escape. this reminded me that as soon as we fall into the trap of a stereotype of any kind, in this case of an angry and frustrated neighbour with no means of wanting to just deal with it; then there is no way out. no one cares really, which is scary.

it is just you and your solipsism of truth. also, it doesn't help when all you want to do is shoot the messenger with another angry email. or just taichi the problem onto someone else's lap with a lot and i mean a LOT of hot air. too bad in my own escapes today i managed to stay cool. well, till saralee storms over to the office in person to demand someone (me?? *gulps*) to tell her like it is. 

damn..when the hell are they going to install that camera over front desk?

stay sane,

J.

dealing with it.

the tennis coach remarked over the counter that i was giving a discourse instead of advise to the designer i was talking too. i ignored her and gave her a death stare as i went on with ms. kan-sheong at my desk because it always happens that when i keep it simple they look at me as if i'm speaking in another language! so of course i have to expand it and expound on the subject what!!

but rants about work can be staved off till next time. i was thinking it can be snippets that i can pretend to be drafts for an actual book. i feel the sudden urge to write and update because it that time of the year again! it is nanowrimoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

i believe it has been 5 years of nothing and blah. i can't even put it off to losing my muse too. its all over nada. and if its angst to churn on the creativity juices, then work gives me an overload of pain in the ass and everywhere! i got weened off from jewel (my tablet) from its beepings. its shiny appeal now stale. i haven't been tapping furiously on my simpsons game. thank god that has eased too and i've begun to read on the train again. the terrors lost my earpiece YET again so that could also be a contributing factor. although the last anne rice paperback i picked up was too awful. it is now in the will-read pile but i have a feeling it will be thrown back into never shelf at work.

more so, i think my last brush off with kama (not of the nice kind) woke me up from my routine reverie. our talk reminded me that there is always so much more to hanker for. the drive to try something new and adventure did dim. *gasp* i became boring! i guess i was really into talking to the plants too much. i shunned those who didn't reach out to me preferring the comforts of the swamp as a safe cocoon. it was too easy to switch off completely after every end day.

so its going to be stories.

stories.

i promised myself stories.

if no stories then its....death.

death of the soul and lost of more muses.

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...don't want!

stay sane,

j.

ps: i have tried to tinker with jewel to blog but to no success. also, i still want a semblance of anonymity when i write about work or people. go-blogging with jewel gives me more ease to tag real time photos to my entries which would make it more appealing but no. it is just too risky and won't be funny at all if i can't fuck up your mind with a little tweak to your imagination.

pps: out.of.practice. 

but to hell with it.

longing for the lost.

“Sometimes when I look at you, I feel I'm gazing at a distant star.
It's dazzling, but the light is from tens of thousands of years ago.
Maybe the star doesn't even exist any more. Yet sometimes that light seems more real to me than anything."
 Haruki Murakami -  South of the border, West of the sun. 

dear son,

i miss you. i love you. i need you forever and ever and ever and ever.

faithfully yours,

mama terror.

the Eid 2013.

I have extended the holidays and used up all my leave in the process.

Today, having used up all my excuses to procrastinate any longer, I set myself to go-blog as I had mentally flogged myself with so often recently. I really do not know where to start but here and now. the fact that the last few days have been draining. it was not so much different and it stays the same that I have yet to see the terrors. terror 1 made it better by slipping in a song on whatsapp and wished me selamat hari raya.

here's the song :-

http://youtu.be/3KbSC5GMAYI

she is learning the chords to this song from mr google from the company internet as she says. yeaps, my eldest is ms. smartypants. I listened to the song and was at once reminded of school days where the girlfriends and your truly would skip school to go jamming with the guys. I never really learnt to play an instrument but more or less just sang along haha! they were all at their auntie's for this hari raya since their dad and stepmum are doing their umrah in mecca. they are already back as I am writing this and that is the last I have heard of them.

maybe I will be seeing them soon, maybe not but I do hope not the latter.

so I continued my hari raya celebrations being the sweet dutiful fiancé to an awesome partner in kuala lumpur. his nephew and niece are back with us and his mum having made all the way from Scotland so it was very special. There was ms. panpretty and mister. hammessy lolling about in the apartment with mak and of course, choucou the cat. It was a heartwarming picture as it is the first time in over 8 years or more that the family has been together. Now also plus one that is myself thrown into the mix. my bittersweet albeit awesome raya was just beginning.

mak did not cook but outsourced the raya goodies. kama and myself helped to pick up the goodies from the nearby neighbourhood and of course we got lost. she ordered biryani and various rendangs for 15 people. they were packed in Tupperware and didn't look enough to feed 6? but of course the food lasted 3 days before finally binned. we managed photo sessions and also swims in between the visiting to and fro. the kids wore a bewildered look as they were handed small packets of money but of course happy to wish everyone selamat hari raya in their best malay. I poured my heart to the kids because I missed the terrors. I made ms. panpretty up in the prettiest colours and played with her hair.
mister. hammessy showed me how he played stickman war 2 and together we all swam and played badminton downstairs.

so yes, I had fun and ate a lot.

I didn't send out any raya messages so of course I did not have any back. except from very random people. it is nice to know maybe in small ways I made an impression to this people. so thank you mr. ezeunicorn (I know you will be reading this) and also yanto my talented young friend. even my security supervisor sent me a short meaningful message :)

of course the emotional bit got steep for a bit this raya when I took the opporturnity to wish mak a selamat hari raya that morning. she told me she loved me and that I was a daughter. she whispered to care for kama when she is gone. I freaked a bit and replied how I wont let that happen as she will always be with us. of course I realised this is a bit too dramatic even for me but I don't do well with surprises. I scooted off to the kitchen right after to care for my swollen eyes. thank god for water proof mascara and spied kama kneeling in solemn embrace of mak's knees. gah!! tears threatened to run amok again so I ran after the kids to wai. also I knew the brother might want a private moment too. I also overheard cheng's voice ovr Skype wishing mak a selamat hari raya. left me to wonder how mak is really taking in this raya. it just felt surreal in some ways.

so that's my raya story.

hopefully this long draught will soon pass I will start go-blogging regularly again. I guess the long hiatus is enough of a mourning period of a lost muse.

selamat hari raya, maaf zahir batin.

xxxx
j.amyemeelea

empowerment camp.

terror one is second from left and that is my eldest for you, tongue sticking out happy that she is now officially part of the girl's brigade.

nothing can describe how proud i am of you so let's keep it at that. it doesn't matter that no one understands (right now anyway) because you are going to do what you want and believe in anyway so....keep it up munchkin!

enjoy your teenage years and stay happy my present, because no one has the power but YOU to make the difference that you need. 

i'm happy to see you happy :)

proud mama terror,

j.amyemeelea

 

a jolt of reality...

i caught up with two of my awesome buddies this week who've been out of the radar for quite sometime. i've been feeling blue over my own realisation for not making the efforts in making time for those who matter. i met che. commando over drinks at holland village last thursday and had a 4 hour conversation on the phone today with che. ndot. in between last friday, i managed to squeeze dinner at causeway to meet the 4 other girls going to cambodia with me to plan for the upcoming trip this april.

che. commando had been to prison for a week before start of university and is serving probabtion time now for a stupid gungho mistake. che. ndot been battling with home woes and is 10 weeks pregnant, expecting her third child and her hormones are out of whack.  the ladies planning the trip are going crazy trying to get everyone together to 'do something' or contribute to the trip.

me?

I just finished my 3 month probation and enjoyed my first saturday off on my own this weekend at home doing nothing. kama will be back tonight to fill in details about lahad datu and his endless discussions about the upcoming malaysian elections.

all is well and now on to priorities next week....that must be of personal nature instead of letting work rule over me :-

MAKE MORE DATES FOR THOSE WHO MATTER.

it could be a simple meet up after work or that hours long conversation on the phone or even random updates on facebook. it is most important is to keep the communication going in person. nothing beats that one on one experience with another.

so thank you terror one who said please take time to enjoy my first saturday off!! i promise to make it to your parade next weekend because this weekend, i really had to make time for che. commando, aunty ndot and also my girl buddies for the cambodia trip. i needed the time as well with kama at home because he needs an assuring hand at dinner to cuddle.

ultimately you know that you are the best daughter i could ever ask for because all in all i need the time for myself to reflect and set my priorities going on ahead. thank you sweetheart for not insisting i must be mom first and foremost because the reality is......i am more than a mom to you.

so yes!!! at your parade next weekend...i am going to be the best MOM ever and make my presence with you count because.....

i do care :)

love mama terror,

j.amyemeelea

 

the long awaited update.

this is more for myself. you guys realise that by writing i am trying to neutralise or balance my libido and mortido tendencies right?

so anyway, my birthday passed in January and I've got a new job. i love it of course but its getting on my nerves a tad bit. especially today i i had a warning from my vendor about taking care to avoid a certain someone because he's exclaimed he wants to hex me somewhat. leaving all the details behind, i am happy to report that I'm in a very solid position to hold on and stay positive.

I'm wasting a lot of water though, by taking a lot of hot baths! although, i must say it is ACTUALLY making me lose weight. i am at 45. 1kg currently so please hate me. i do have a slight muffin top but it takes very little to correct that with controlled breathing and the right sense of fashion.

i watched women's MMA take a revolutionary turn this morning with the first ever women's UFC bantam weight championship and boy~ was the world glad the straight woman win. i had this irksome feeling while i watched the primetime preview for the match. these women are world class athletes and to use their private inclinations to draw the crowd to watch the match didn't rest well with me. although, i must say, the fight between rowdy rousey and girlrilla liz was TIGHT.

i actually wanted terror 1 to watch the fight with me on sunday morning but she told me she's more into wrestling *sigh* i rationalised WWF was too emotionally driven and the moves were just too showy and violent. you wanted clean moves, strategy and serious good cardio to last in a mixed martial art showdown. these women were professionals. i love the fact that the ultimate champion works seriously hard and enforces strict discipline to excel in her 'art'. yeah...its physical alright but HEY~ wake up...we do need to value women who are born this way, and i mean the physically strong women who actually 'fight' for a living.

so anyway, terror 1 is not convinced *bleargh* maybe another time then.

besides the fact that fatboy aka terror 2 has avoided seeing me for the past 2 months or so, i'm content to say that my girls are as normal as can be. one is worried about being called 'esbok bergerak' or *'moving frideg'* for some of you and then the other worried about getting the one direction tumbler. the fatboy is dealing with denial issues and stealing in school and with family. by family i mean by stealing from us. i have in mind to give him a good wallop but i'm glad we are taking the loving and assertive parenting style instead. he must try to get restitution for his actions without violence.

bo said i should kidnap terror 2 by staking outside school but i think we'd manage to find time and sit him down. the good news is bo's getting a daughter whom i hope will be as trying as the terrors hehehehehehe...besides serious talk about marriage and what entails after, i am glad that at least...for this moment, kama has not set his ideals on more kids. i love them but i can't deal with the diaper changes and sleepless nights.which goes on for quite forever when you've been sleep deprived nursing at least 4 hours interval until you wean the baby off.

yet the best news is bo and kin saying yes to dinner here in the swamps this weekend. he had some reservations about us serving alcohol. which i admit can be trying  but i told him like seriously, don't be such an ass. i know we are already in sin but where's the love and encouragement with reminders to spur on for a more muslimmah code of life? you can't deny me the leeway no matter how small the window of opportunity; to make good by your standards can you?

all in all....i'm grateful and count my blessings. we have the right support in times of self delusional needs.

so yeah...

i might not mind when i'm not aware and i'm counting on reminders of small miracles in signs of hope and understanding. it is my time i'm working against so if i have been a bad sister, the wrost kind of mom and totally insensitive prick of a friend. i beg you to mind me graciously. life is too precious to count on hate and bitterness. i just want to get along and inspire to be as good as it gets ;)

stay sane,

j.amyemeelea

ps: i know i'm such the hijacker when all you need for me as a friend is to listen. i don't mean to relate every of your concern to my own experiences hence 'hijacking' your rants. at times, i pull other experiences from people close to us to prove a point but i digress. my point is i never intended to be such a bad person. i just need to liseng...liseng....liseng.