My melon collie

“the unexamined life is not worth living” – Socrates

Versus

“if you don’t use your head, you might as well have two as*es. "– Someone’s Father

*hiccups*

@------&---------

Ku harus menemui cintaku Mencari tahu hubungan kita Apa masih atau telah berakhir
Kau menggantungkan hubungan ini Kau diamkan aku tanpa sebab Maunya apa ku harus bagaimana Kasih…Sampai kapan kau gantung Cerita cintaku memberi harapan Hingga mungkin ku tak sanggup lagi Dan meninggalkan dirimu Detik-detik waktu pun terbuang Teganya kau menggantung cintaku Bicaralah biar semua pasti Tentunya hubungan cinta denganmu Membuat ku sakit Hingga mungkin ku tak sanggup lagi Dan meninggalkan dirimu

_ .._.._

And reading the link biksetan passed me on msn brought a tweak of a smile to my face. I also chatted with my niece about her hypnotherapy experiments on her tuition students. Then I noticed that I wiped out 95% of the music that had been passed on to me since I hooked up to the internet seriously 10yrs ago *bummer* so I am listening to whatever is left and all of em *dehem* good :) trying very hard NOT to grind my teeth *noamNOTonmdma* the world IS not looking so fine right now. Another line from the comments left at the page biksetan makes me giggle before I go back to ‘One Hundred years of Solitude’ by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. And stilllllllllllll the numbers 13 and 14 separated by 1000 zeros from lunch date today refuses to leave me in peace.

Obat nya melly! *thumbsUP*

Stay sane,
amyemeelea

another dotty *pottu* connected...

"There are three kinds of intelligence: one kind understands things for itself, the other appreciates what others can understand, the third understands neither for itself nor through others. This first kind is excellent, the second good, and the third kind useless. – N. Machiavelli"

Me at home now. Quickly emailed this so that I can finish it at home. While at the office, I flipped through and fro pages *workrelatedplusthispage* to ease the monotony of boredom. I very much wanted to write last night but I flipped open the thriller novel “The Insider” to fall asleep to. Millions have always fascinated me too; Gordon Gecko ‘was’ my idol :P so it was to be that I could not really sleep as the storyline was gripping my eyelids apart for the next page. My fingers itched to sms the lost soul but I told myself the last sms clearly stated that he’s not lost now so what will my reason be, to jolt him with another cloyingly sweet sms of encouragement? Hope tickled my fingers again but instead of receding to impetuosity, I tossed to my left and buried myself deep to try to see if I could entice mr. sandman for a bit of much needed happy dreams. HE was funky so no sleep for me. I ended up drinking redbull at work today. Anyway, I finished the book today on the way back. Worked until I can’t work no more and i could have went on until ms. kakakku2, who drove today; asked if I wanted to hitch a ride back and of course! Needed to get home fast and finish this entry before it starts to eat away more sleep time. I FEAR insomnia so it was tense waiting abated by loads of work and a breezy easy way home so that I can just drop dead at smell of my blankie.

Earlier on last night, I had dinner and finally met wombatman! The coquettish bikbayu was present of course and sorely missed was the wonderdiva powwsters. She had to give us a miss because family duty beckons. I got lost on the way to dinner at bugis. Partly because another half of me was with lost soul but the other part of me was, firmly bent on trying to get my way to dinner without being late. Plans for tonight were made way in advance and a promise is a promise. I even stated disclaimers to avoid misunderstandings should the need to cancel arose; should it be that I needed to cancel, it must be that the terrors needed me or I had a serious case of the runs :p I was experiencing major dis-EASE but it soon settled far back into the darker recesses of my shadow self. We had to switch to a smoking table because I had to smoke. Then the table was shaky so we switched seats again. However, we had to move the table because it was not in the smoking area! :P we started on dinner, ceasar salmon and then the seafood platter for two *ahemsthree* utensils went missing but all in all the experience at fish & co, bugis was all right. It was then full steam ahead with much laughter and get to know me and you strings of conversation. Yes, politics included *muehehe* Steamy!! My armpits were dripping wet hehehe…and I was just glad that wombat and bikbayu played cool and along with my antics. The tempo to the night’s concerto was just picking up.

*burp* it was change of venue for laterssssssss.

Wombatman the gentleman that he is, picked up the tab and they both made me seriously blush when they insisted that dinner was on them. *aaaarghhhh!soflatteredmeguestofhonour* and we made our way to the secret garden. The start of our next adventure was when bikbayu suddenly exclaimed she forgot where the secret garden was! So I called the restaurant to ask for directions and boy was Ronnie *theheadwaiterithink* very good at giving very precise directions. After chasing after buses and looking out for a small very intimate crook nestled comfortably hidden in between two buildings, we finally arrived at our coffee and deserts place. Red walls lit by framed candles, their flickering light dancing flirtatiously set the mood for our second session. We were served by shhh! :p and we all had coffee and shared ice cream. The Ronnie guy totally flipped me when he asked if I went to this primary school and that secondary school. I was of course shell-shocked. For *once* I was really caught speechless. Then he went away, the hoots around me coming from bikbayu and wombat familiarly turned into the theme song twilight zone. I was convinced someone somewhere recognizes me from school but I did not see anyone familiar. I did not think so much about it and continued our tete a tete. BUT!!! Creepy Ronnie coolly came back for returns abit later, probably having to much fun seeing me squirm in my seat to ask me if I was a girl guide in school and if I was a bad student *gahhhhhh* but I was too engrossed already lost myself in the camaderie to give any conspiracy theories any attention *hehe* we did got to know each other better and I read wombat’s cards. We were shooed away at 11pm because they had to close and the night soon ended with all three of us taking the walk back to the train station. I found a neat surprise of a napkin, a fork and a knife courtesy of fish & co *hahahaah* while rummaging through my bag for my ezlink card. We all took the same train and bikbayu left for home at jurong while wombat and me took another train back up north. Bikbayu sent me an sms to make confirm I did not get lost and wombat sent me an sms to meet again *blowskisheslikems.universe* Pleasure was all mine guys, free food *nexttimeonme*, good laughs and meaningful conversations plus the on and off the cuff remarks is always fun.

The train was nearly empty by then when wombat alighted at kranji for some quiet :D I was tired happy but my DIS-eased heart was nagging me groggy. The DIS-ease in stealth mode came back and my thoughts fly over the cloudless sky. Its nice to feel understood : ) Even nicer to finally able to ‘get’ someone. We live with constant contradictions and it is hard to hear yourself over the din sometimes. The din in your head when let loose and the din combined with the ruckus always going on in your hearts can be deafening. Then when it gets to heave heavy; you just react. Classic cases of fight or flight instincts and then you just have to deal with the leftovers. Sometimes its yummilicious to the soul and maybe at times cuts it to pieces till all bloody and gory and it will be painful to even swallow a mouthful of spit. Does your soul crave for understanding? Do we need exceptional intelligentsia to be understood and to understand? On the other hand, maybe a sense of humility can do wonders in pursue of getting that attention and focus we crave for? Humor is always good to add to anything but I know that mule stubbornness will not get you anywhere. Often I just have to be everywhere at the same time, never taking the time to connect the dots. So, patience then is the key?! *nodsnods*

Eh?! Isn’t this supposed to be a happy entry? With me calm and collected at the end? well, I did my best and sometimes my best is just not enough, not even for me.

I think therefore I am. I see therefore I think I understand. I know therefore I must understand. I feel therefore it will be understood.

Stay sane,
amyemeelea

Ps: biksetan! I will survive clip was a riot :P and thank you. Truly.

Buat Putera Ku....

Ucapan syukur dan selamat hari jadi mama hadiahkan
Buat penyejuk dendam rindu membara putera kesayangan
Bisikan darimu tercungkil bibit memori mama menunggu kelahiran mu
Angan angan tiap guggurnya pahlawan zuhud mama layangkan
Sehalus sutera tenunan selembut kasih jiwamu mama idamkan
Seputih salju kulit mu biar cerah cahaya sayang tiada tertara
Kucupan bibir mu merah kelopak mawar harum syurga
Tiap gerakan zahir mu biar tanpa ragu penuh damba rindu pada Satu
Susunan hak hukum tak terlepas dikepal erat genggaman kiri dan kanan mu
Tiap ungkapan dari mu sayu memukau indah dicorak alunan kalimah syahdu
Julungan harapan suci mama menjadi detik tiap degupan jantung mu
Tepat pada hari yang di janjiNya utusan tanggung jawab berdengus memerih
Nama mu dipilih penuh bermakna biar besar jasa mu di rasakan bersama
Putera Emir Hafeez di bendung manja tiada sedikit pun tertanda cela
Tiap hari silih berganti pergi, biar ia pergi bersamanya gugur benci
Namun janji tetap janji akan mama berpegang teguh tak gentar caci maki
Tiada yang dapat merangkul pergi bahagia tiap corak senyuman mu dari ku
Walau memori tinggal memori, tetap tiap hari jadi mu mama jadikan tanda
Kerana tiap doa diberi seorang pembela yang nama mu Putera dimabrulkan

Selamat Hari Jadi yang ke enam sayang…yang ini dari hati ke hati....nanti yang jam transformer ke spiderman tue mama carik kan otey :)

kishes,

your SECRET mama *shhhhhhhh*

it’s a SIGN!

mack *waves* was asking if I was rapper or a poet :P I guess my answer to that will have to be that I am one and I am all >p I think is was ayincurrent who at one time pissed I was so into personalities and archetypes shut me up with the rationale above. Of cause lar!! *DUHslapsforehead* but how then brown cow do you explain our each uniqueness and sense of individuality? Che.ayincurrent can’t be bothered to argue with me anyway which is why the conversation did not continue. What use is a cobbler’s tools to a carpenter? :P

I came staggering back home after all the bad negative air at the office started to eat into myself. I dumped myself willingly into comfort routines. A comfort call to a loved one to announce my homecoming and a flip to heat the water before I dozed off to the soft whirr of the pc so that I could check on my emails. The rumble of my tummy woke me up and the thoughts of watching deal or no deal on teevee soothed my ragged nerves. I finished whatever I needed to on the computer while my short snips with powwsters on msn perked me up. Then I headed to the bathroom for a hot shower. Bobby and shikino will be back soon so I cleared the kitchen up and heated some food in the microwave. Another short call to the 3 terrors and especially to speak to birthday boy lit me up :) he whispered his wish to have a watch and I reminded myself to look around for that very special one when I go around on my jaunts and held on tight to the tears that threatened to fall. I closed my eyes and let my wish to be there travel down the telephone line. Terror 2 said he had to go because he didn’t know what else to say, so to avoid sleepless nights I said my goodbyes to all 3 *click*

*thoughts trail to last nights events at home*

So last night, I received my gst rebate package letter and they found that I am eligible for a rebate sum of $100/-. Bobby came home with his spanking new wakeboard and excitedly asked how much I received. Ripping the envelope open, I lied and said I got $700 to which he bombarded me with why? why? why? when he saw for a fact that I only will be receiving $100 bucks, he laughed *yesgleefullygloated* and at first wondered why before jumping the gun to point out that it must be the fact that I am REALLY a commie and that the gahmen IS somehow punishing me. He joked that he HAD to give me away because the gahmen threatened to take away all he had *hahaha* shikino said if I didn't want the give out from the gahmen I could just donate the amount away *itishighlyrecommendedyoudoso* another I asked also gave me the same reason, I am getting less because I complain too much about the gahmen. So serve me right, serve me cold.

I can’t tell you how many have repeatedly told me that the reason why I get myself into these funny situations is because of my rants about the way things just are in Singapore. Indignant curiosity saved the cat nine deaths and mine lead me to www.gstoffset.gov.sg where I found out that I fell into the category of earning an assessed 100k per annum!! I laughed my head off and I can’t wait to tell snotty bobby of my snooping. I already sent an email to ask for clarification and why not?! I don’t earn 100k per annum and I don’t even own a property dar so why not ease my finances a wee bit more and GIVE me the extra 100 credits *prrrft* finally the eventful knock on my bedroom door came and after small banter I told Bobby of the reason to his incessant whys; the look was priceless of course! With me laughing away but I missed the crucial moments of the end of deal or no deal! *dehem* they just don’t get it do they?

I watched American idol while I quelled my giddiness down by trying to settle down amidst the mess called my bed. With my books, letters, all manner of personal significance and my life hanging on the other line doused me sleepy, but my need to say hello to 17th May acted as toothpicks to keep those eyelids open just for a little bit more. My head was throbbing by then, hungry for rest. And as the sudden tick of the clock struck midnight, the engaged tone from a dead line jolted me awake from my slip into slumber. My fingers worked the lighted pads on my phone and typed that special wish and pressed send. I tried after to put this heavy shell to rest by weaving through the sticky web of the today’s residue into dreams. Tossed and turned but Mr. sandman refused my pleas for seconds and left; I wide eyed looking at the ceiling sulking in the dark.

Do your dreams mean anything to you?

Stay sane,
amyemeelea

Belated Obstreperous!!

Aha!

No. I am not a teacher *whyshouldtheyknowALLthebigwords* No. I am not a communist *whataboutprogressivesoacialist?* No. I am not really a rat *ifeellikeonesometimes* No. I do not wear only black. *ilikeredtoo* No. I do not think going cold turkey will stop me from smoking. *beingpregnantdoeshehe* but YES! I am loud AND boisterously defiant. *orusually*

I left the office nearly 9pm today because the auditors are coming on Monday and I had to make sure everything was filed and bla bla bla…I surprised even myself by not kicking up a fuss when I was told to do this and that and was given dirty looks that read, “you are so incompetent and lazy” when I questioned shitte-o-tub on how exactly does she want her files to be filed. I knew she was bitching behind my back to anyone who was willing to hear and it didn’t get any better when as I just about to leave for lunch, I found my handphone missing! I called my phone from my desk and it rang and I could faintly hear surprise by radiohead from somewhere in the office so I went to hunt for it. Of course it stopped ringging soon after and knowing how careless I can be with my things sometimes, I really thought I misplaced it somwhere. The second time I rang, not surprisingly I got my voicemail instead. I tried a few times and went around the office to give everyone the evil eye but no one gave a shit. So, I shrugged my shoulders and called the people to immediately disconnect my line just in case it was really stolen. I didn’t want anyone calling long distance but I secure the phone with a security code so I didn’t worry too much. Then I changed my voicemail to annouce that my phone was stolen and to reach me at the office instead. I didn’t really have the mood to eat any lunch soon after but I couldn’t refuse free food :p and the fact that I had a mountain work to plough through later at the office so I will need the carbo to burn. It turned out, my phone quietly lay in switched off mode when I came back from lunch. I just opened my drawer and there it was. Apparently, someone thought it would be funny to hide my phone or maybe the intendee wanted to teach me to be more careful with my belongings I don’t know.

I am just glad to have it back. Right about now, I should have been with the 3 terrors but last minute the green eyed monster wanted to bring the kids out. Maybe to celebrate an early mommy’s day with new mommy but terror 1 wasn’t sulky or pouty about having to cancel our date today so I hope they enjoy themselves. We’ll just have to make do with whatever’s left of the weekend to celebrate terror 2 and 3’s birthday. Terror 3 is going to turn four this Sunday! And terror 2 is turning six the following Wednesday! It is also mommy’s day! So it is going to be busy, busy, busy and I am so looking forward to receive my prezzies. I already know what they are, my prezzies. They each come tagged as terror 1, 2 and 3 :) I already received mommy day’s wishes from friends, some early but all so drippingly sentimental sweet. The wallet I bought for one special mommy was refused so it is going to be given to another special mommy. I probably could guess why it was refused, but I shall not dwell on it. One’s lost, is another’s gain I firmly believe so all is still going to be well.

I miss my mom. And I wish she was still with me so that I could go about fussing around her. I think I saw that small wooden plaque I had made for her for mommy’s day once lying around somewhere. I had it say, ‘World’s Best Mom’ and gave it to her because it was so difficult for me to say it to her. She has mantle where she collects her oddities of china and rocco and stuff, so how better than to remind her of how much she means to me than have it up where she could be reminded of my feelings while dusting her favourites! :D but now, I can only hope my shout will reach her wherever she is.

“HAPPY MOMMY’S DAY MAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I hope you’d be proud to know that I am now a mama myself and that I have the highest respect for everyone who is, are and will be once and always a mother. No. I don’t make plaques for everyone *hehe* but yes! I’d be obstreperous! I’d shout over the highest mountain to make it known and make sure she’s right there beside me to make sure the police don’t catch me and put me in IMH otey ;P

stay sane,
amyemeelea
ps: think about someone you care about, and do something about it :)

hmmm.....

testing....

Obstreperous!!

Addled minds...

Something is wrong because I keep missing datelines and apparently appointments! I was getting ready for the night out to welcome fusae and Mustafa and we were supposed to head out to the night safari and supper at jalan kayu. I couldn’t convince anyone to join me for the tram ride so I called the hotel to leave them a message to say I would be picking them up after their night safari adventure. The hotel then informed me that they will only be arriving today!! :p with nothing on my hands I still got ready and went out to run errands and generally to loose myself in the crowds. I trimmed my hair and so now it looks more unruly then ever and bought my toiletries and such. After that I went for an indulgent dinner before dozing off.

Woke up fresh and made a point to flip through my date book to check my plans for this week and it looks packed *yeay!* will be entertaining fusae and Mustafa tonight and tomorrow before they fly off to another choice destination of lovers’ paradise. And I wonder how all the animals are coping in this wet, wet weather? Am wearing a dress because it is the easiest thing to slip on but what about mosquito bites?! *packsmedicatedoiljustincase*

So here I’m back to the office after ditching work yesterday, thinking that with much rest I could take on the challenges at work with a perpetual smile on my face. *imaginesselfascheshirecat* alas, the situations I run into at work makes me want to pull all my hair out and then run screaming out to the streets naked *shudder* of course after that they will fire me and I could never come back to the cbd again *that'stheplananyway* so daily I learn to nod and smile and say yes to the silliest going arounds in my office. And come to think of it, real life in the office is exactly what you can find in the Dilbert comics we read in the papers. Aha! Another one for my booklist – DILBERT COMICS!

This brings to mind the recent Labor Day celebrations. Did you receive your well wishes? Did you read about the death of the early twenty-something girl to a blot clot? Work got to her apparently and the journalist was reminding us how work should be as important as one’s health. Newspaper clip said her boss was the first to attend her wake and when questioned if she was overworked, the boss replied negatively *duuuuuuh!!!!* Then I came across another blog that wrote about how her mum is working for a company that lists below requirements as reasonable or fish off!

1. The pay is reduced to S$500 (from $700 bucks a month) 2. Now it has to be a 5.5 days working week (from a 5 day work week) 3. There will be a cut in manpower as there should not be more than 3 people working at an area, regardless how large the area space (!!!!!!)4. No annual leave and sick leave for the first year (one wonders if the man himself has elderly parents or maybe his parents are robots?)

But I think this post here will best some up my thoughts :) -
http://stressed-teacher.blogspot.com/2007/05/have-happy-cursed-may-day.html.... *trainingratgoesexcusie* and how come I missed THIS:-

"The key goal, said the Prime Minister, is to enable workers to work longer and retire later" - CNA Report on PM Lee's 2007 May Day Speech.

*GASPGASPGASP*

And as a joke, I smsed bobby and shikino, ‘The proletarians have nothing to lose but their chains. They have a world to win – WORKING MEN OF ALL COUNTRIES, UNITE! – Karl Marx, May Day Comradeship Wishes. Amy’…*sniggers* I of course didn’t receive a reply from either of them and I can almost picture both of them horribly mortified *muehehehe* fear is supposed to keep us from making *toomanyorlackofem* mistakes not swallow our pride and so I hope for all courage this labor day or what’s left of it. And a short message to mr. imgigi who aspires so much to be a minister one day with such high hopes to create a better future for everyone.."I’ll be there babe” *evilgrin* I’ll be going back to seek laughs from my Dilbert comic. Eh?!!!! In the comic there’s this big rat right? Or was it a cat?!!! *scramblestolook*

Stay sane,

amyemeelea

When objective clashes with subjective..

"Love" is Angela Carter's fifth novel and was first published in 1971. With surgical precision it charts the destructive emotional war between a young woman, her husband, and his disruptive brother as they move through a labyrinth of betrayal, alienation, and lost connections. This revised edition has lost none of Angela Carter's haunting power to evoke the ebb of the 1960s, and includes an afterword, which describes the progress of the survivors into the anguish of middle age.

“The Bloody Chamber" is a invoking novel which reappropriates patriachal western fairy tales, such as 'Bluebeard', to challenge notions of male superiority and the objectification of women. Carters talent as a writer enables her to utilize the most vivid and violent use of imagery and language to demonstrate the way in which women have been explioted in western society. This powerful novel will appeal to all who are prepared to open their minds and accept feminist ideology over patriachal ideas.

That is making decisions based in a situation you have kicked, banged your head and threw yourself over to find that a part of you still mourns and wails in agony. And when that happens I try to drown its deafening tones with distractions. I spy the moon peeking over at the back of my mind as I looked over to the pride of singapore skylines. The thorny blue lights from the esplanade a night twinkle cool and the stuffy hot air blowing behind me from the kitchen vents of the foodcourt I am at, condenses my sweat to stick my blouse to my skin.

No stars as the skies continued to be polluted by the ground lights below. Red, green yellow sparkles flourescenct in the distance. I couldn’t reconcile the blistering coldness I felt inside with the dank humidity which marks most tropical nights here in singapore. Mummy dearest was on her way here for dinner and as I lit a fag, my eyes wandered to take in the muffled conversations and dinner fare of the rest of the diners. I wasn't feeling very famished when i realised how the beautiful almost sad scenery over the balcony its soft pride lost to mere hunger. Absentmindedly I glanced again to my phone and smiled at the latest replies to the hint of anguish sms I just sent to my targets accompanying a snapshot of the skyline I took. *picksatscabfromrecentbattlescars* and as typically of me, silent musings trailed the smoke from my lit fag. I settled down with the 2 books I just bought at mph. The 20% discount poster was too loud for my palpating heart; weak to the lure of cheap books to ignore, so in I went to browse and succumbed to its promise of sweet distractions. Happily, I flipped the pages and an array of paper and pens littered the table.

Mummy shares the same passion for books and we both have a penchant for love stories. She loved paulo coelho and already warned me not to get her another. It is mother’s day *sson* so a book would be nice, no? I caught sight of ‘The Sadeian Woman : An exercise in Cultural History by Angela Carter’ but I my strings were pulled to the need for something more lyrical and perhaps, mummy would be too overwhelmed with the brass provocations of ms. Carter as she was and still remembered as a prominent icon of the feminist movement. I wanted to introduce her to the ms.carter for the sexy elucidity of her versions of truth first. She can peel ms. carter later at her pleasure. So I trooped over to the counter to ask for the rest of the titles available and picked perfect *yeay!* 'LOVE' for her and for being so smart, ‘THE BLOODY CHAMBER and other stories’ for me to carnivourishly devour. In a relationship, where does one being end and the other begin, what happens to the individuals who become co-dependant? Love, ms. carter suggests, is not the romantic vision we hold esteemed but, often, a cruel and injurious game in which there are no victors.

Doesn’t it so mirrors our own questions about love? Just that when the overshadows of both begin to merge and when the black petulant darkness hinges to break forth, it then snatches one unaware into an abyss unknown; without the light of courage, the life as we know it snuffs submissively itself out. Why blame it on ego? Why blame it on gender? Why blame it of incongruity? I hastily scribbled my thoughts to trail after on my journal and enjoyed dinner with mummy dearest. ms. mermaid was the center of our conversations and of course the rants and vents of work. Explanations offered for lost time and the familiarity shared between us followed the trickle of time till it was time to go. The night could have been endless but all good things have to end ;p

Back home, I shared my latest find with shikino. She looked at me and asked if I consider myself a feminist when she recounted her impressions of ms.carter as a student at ntu *errrrm* “no..not really.” I stammered my reply, trying to be rational about my answer and bobby interjected with his own views about feminism being too extreme for his taste. Aren’t alllllllllll ‘-Isms’ frivolously tut tutted away as extremes, I silently fumed. but shikino glossed over the conversation to the form of characters ms. carter conjures. And that was the cue for me to excuse myself and retreat to my den for my date with ms. carter into the bloody chamber.

Holiday was spent langourously in bought solitude and today weather brought on the perfect excuse to be sick. In a bit I will get ready for my date to meet fusae and mustafa all the way from japan. Promised them supper at Jalan Kayu and am waiting for her to call to annouce touch down. I think i'll give the visit to the night safari for another time if I can't have no one agree for a hop on the tram. Meeting one stranger per night is more than i could bear for today. Updates of the love story of fusae of japan and mustafa of turkey will ensue ;)

stay sane,
amyemeelea

Going back to roots..

Bibik passed me a few links to stuff and only today I got to run through them properly. Enough sleep and a bit of java ingested made it much more clearer and intresting :P trust me, reading when one is only focused on rest and sleep is a big no no…

I have always wondered about my genealogy, wanting to trace my roots all the way back in time but with both my parents and grandparents long gone, it kinda difficult to get started. I dimly remember occasions where mum or dad would go into a long spiel about both our family histories. Who married who and had so many children and family heirlooms about eternal conflicts laced with many warnings of what you should and should not do completes bits and pieces of my memory. Bobby once remarked that he can’t seem to remember these bits of information about my family and often wondered aloud how the hell did I come up with these bits of family trivia. but i know he remembers, you see..i suspect bobby is seriously repressing his childhood. WE all can remember, just like cases when we can dimly remember a past life ;) But we both agreed *oratleastido* that I have always been pretty intutive and attentive *kaypoh* since young.

Of many, my mom was the one who influenced me much. Even if I didn’t have much of a relationship with her till the day she passed on. Sorely jealous that I didn’t get the same attention or so I felt from the rest of my siblings, physically I withdrew myself from her efforts. But her stories HAVE always fascinated me. She worked all her life and happiest when she was her own boss. So she was once and all at once a teacher, a healer, a mechanic, a driver, a trader, an amah *ormaid* a cook and tourist guide extradinaire!
She preferred self autonomy *hehe* much like me now. Our quality time with her was ALL the time but my selfishness did not make me realise then how she tried to immerse us both into her life. She brought us everywhere much to my chagrin because who cares about being ‘carpark coupon’ or I term I used ‘accesory’. My life growing up could have been another episode of karate kid for all I care :P but the trips to arab street where she used to act as middleman for spices and electronics are still fresh. And who could forget the throngs of people always in and out from the house?! As it is, I was always surrounded by children because it was my duty to help and entertain them when the parents needed my mom for one reason after another. or the holidays she planned for the family, always big, huge and grand. It could be a road trip through all the states in malaysia in our 800cc car *haha* or a weekend in one kampong after another for local fruits galore! So yes…it rings very much true, you won’t know what you miss UNTIL it is long gone ;)

So, if I had to start the family tree patriach-ticulary, then I have to start on my dad’s side of the family first. When before I felt I had most in common with my dad whose dad was indian from malacca, now the stirrings in my blood is calling closest to my mom. Not much was said about my maternal grandfather but he was banjarese, from kalimantan. So where do I start?! Am I indian or banjarese? And so what if my identity card says I am malay :D being malay means I am a culmination of many races from the eaons of yesteryears as explained below.

“The Malay Archipelago refers to the thousands of islands which make up five countries today: Malaysia, Indonesia, Brunei, the Philippines and Singapore. The term “Melayu” is even older and dates back to the ancient kingdom of Srivijaya (6th–10th century). The Malay people settled in the pasisir (riverine/coastal) regions of the Malay Peninsula, Sumatra and Borneo. While the initial Indianisation of the region left Hindu and Buddhist imprints, these were replaced by Islamic influences as early as the 11th or 12th century. This gave rise to Muslim sultanates with a fairly uniform language, religion and cultural practices. – aksara the passage of malay scripts exhibition”

but! The solution will be then to do research on both and if god wills pass in on to the 3 terrors finished or unfinished : ) whoa! HUGE project man!!!!! But it is to take one little step of a time and better it start now.

Stay sane,
Amyemeelea

Walking the yellow brick road..

....Or in this case, jalan merah saga. There were 4 dotties and all of them wore red shoes. I spied a pair in patent red, lace red, plastic red and fabric? Or was it red leather? :D the ladies strutted in black and when two paired to wear pants, the other two came in skirts! *syncronicity!* ;) The walk up or long trek for 1 dotty and down was to create; first hunger then last to digest all the yummylicious food. Cats galore in oranges! Black! All shapes and sizes with swallowed-frog-tails *jempot-jempot* and not short of shy ones, horny ones *hehe* or just too-cute-i-wanna-catnap-it-home-fat-one slipped through the quirky inspired dotty's fingers because the fat cat was locked up. Sentences hung in mid air to bursts of laughter and fingers pointing afar *tonothing* turned out to be profoundly pointing into seeing the future! *phew*

Dim lights from dancing candles, lit the each softly accentuated faces in different shades of ideals and hopes. At times, the face from an angle shied away from the torrent of trivia and prying questions but the intensity of honesty, made each dotty reveal herself as who she is. And that was the true ‘Kodak moment’ *muahahah* or Nikon or Canon lar! The classics laced the night as incidents where they managed to burn happy trainee hazel from the Philippines, whom slat-dotty and quirky-dotty agree was CUTE. Sinus-dotty broke out of her shell and transformed herself into sexy-dotty soon after being drilled dry on world history and politics. And original-dotty was the epitome of coolness but turned into a very, very giggly dotty especially after slat-dotty tried to order “lab rack” to devour because she felt like meat.

As they huddled together trying to stretch the time to just another one more drink, all of them polished pearls safely tucked in the very meaty oyster called the rest of the world, they each in their own way paid silent tribute and toasted the night with another promise to meet again. Later, after being gently reminded that the restaurant was about to close, they skipped all the way back clicking their shoes when cool-dotty went all flighty upon the chanced find of a curio shop! Filled with wanderlust she went missing when asked to pose for a picture :P the dotty spirits contentedly drunk with the nights events made way their way home. And not a single soul was not in daffodil bloom on that dewy, romantic no constellations in sight night.

How can you get very far,
If you don’t know Who You Are?
How can you do what you ought,
If you don’t know What You’ve Got?
And if you don’t know Which To Do
Of all the things in front of you,
Then what you’ll have when you are through
Is just a mess without a clue
If you know What and Which and Who.

Winnie the Pooh
~~the Tao of Pooh~~

stay sane,
amyemeelea

Ephemeral Love...

Dreams Of Love

Artist - Evelyn Kok

www.artinmission.com

"Love has been a great inspiration to painters since the beginning of time, poets and song writers alike. A painting that depicts love conjures the fufillment of relishing fantasies and the conciousness of how the heart lives in our dreams."

it is confirmed!!! the above painting is to be MINEEEEEE...... *laughslikehyenaonmarijuana* so many beautiful memories we had evie and me. we lived in a penthouse *okaylarrsowewereonthetopflooronie* of a condo in bukit timah and those were some of the happiest times of my life. oh! how we daydreamed and filled ourself with the drunken love *hiccup* and even till the end when we had to part our own ways, i will remember the rushed mornings and the giddiness of late nights, to us...'Hell is other people - Sartre' :D i found you again evie!! though you were never really lost *blush* and am so glad you remained pure, true to your beliefs which at bottom purposelss and ego-less - called by the Master truly 'spiritual'....so i am going to catch you before you fly away to the states again to unite with your true love while i save the moolah to bring the above baby back home with me *kish* so for those intrested in evie's paintings you can just click on her website and drop her a note. but please ah..the above has been booked :)

on the way back on the bus, got on 3 way sms that turned 4 way and magically turned into a DATE *beams* it will be loads of fun for sure darlings and i can't wait ;) i'll make sure powwsters or any of us don't turn into pumpkins otey! and bibik darl...it will be my utmost pleasure to dazzle you all at once with the stories of old *scheherezade!* or cheekily naughty 'O' *slurps!* and as i spy the wonderdiva once again smirks prettily in her corner...yesh...she deserves all the candies and love we care to share *chaaaaaak!!!*

oh!! and i saw my elder bro, don_bugis on teevee today on the news! it was something on SIA bla bla bla but there i was screaming my head off pointing to no-one how smart he looked! i feel like a school girl all flustered and excited just seeing him on teevee. eh news okay! :) and he ain't heavy he's my bro! of course, i know i can get to see him in person anytime and it is about due already to pay him a visit soon. not only the 3 terrors miss him but i do too *sob* my eldest sis and bobby celebrated their birthdays on the 21st and 20th of April respectively and happy that bobby got my prezzie first. have to thank shikino for the spying and *ahems* and must try to call my sis in frisco soonest. wish her a belated beshday and hook the 3 terrors up to sing her a beshday song! *nodnod* yeaps...just hope i don't make her cry cry and scream wanting to come back hehe...oh! to all april babies hepi burstday babes!!

short bursts of ephemeral love, which is all at once fleeting and transient....it is to be relished and brought close to ones heart no doubt as one would guard a simple spark so that it might spread into wildfire, burning every inch of your soul willing it to mark supreme forever.

stay sane,

amyemeelea

being still..

after hibernating for the last 24 hours *yawns* sorry guys...but last week i had another rush to my head what with work and endless i-need-to-do-this -for-*fillintheblanks* so i ended up with major migraine!! i had a night out with ms.noorticataitai last thurday and i'm glad she loved the night out and we shared more of ourselves to each other. it was the night of arrows flown to hit intended marks and an arrow of mine intended for cylernkilla went wayward! or so i think :p

switched on pc and soOooo many things to read and devour! *sohappyicriedthingy* now listening to damien rice. i find him familiar but where, when and how, i haven't figured it out yet. the song Amie made me a-buzz new with melancholy. so does that song make you think of moi bibik??? *poutsmentel* i like songs like that and how many of you have read the french novel 'O'? or was he singing about the stories of 'old'? both oso i love, me the storyteller! i think i have a copy of it somewhere!! someone recommended it to me and said it was waaaaAAyy obscene ler :D and when i find it bibik, i will find a spot where we can see the stars and while i sit on your lap, i can read you my fave chapters ;) and we'll play this song to remind us that if we believe in it enough, the end of the century WILL bring change to you and me. poww bley jadik the deejay pastue kita suruh sham belly dance *muehehe*

the guys at the office are raving about the new decor. apparently a lot of money is to be pumped in for renovation. so far they have seen 3 interior designers but nothing has been confirmed yet. i don't even know when we'd be moving! and we haven't even packed anything. well, i have done bits of my own anyway. the office has also been interviewing for new staff and i so wish i could update on my blog about the selected interviewees! *faints* but now i have to think of what to wear tomorrow, then plan my route to work and back. then of course i need to WRITE.

stay sane,
amyemeelea

.....

Your name is upon my tongue,

Your image is in my sight,

Your memory is in my heart:

Whither then shall I write?

~~Laila & Majnun~~

was supposed to file my taxes but that could wait. instead i got lost in john hughes and sunsets and wombat man steals the bits with scenes of buffy. the gals kept me smiling via msn while i relaxed and all i could feel is love.

Poison is right good to sup

When the fair one fills the cup;

Bitter words are sweet to hear

When the speker is most dear.

Full of savour is my love,

Salt of wit, as I can prove;

Very pleasant is its smart

Rubbed into my wounded heart.

And god knows best.

~~Rumi~~

stay sane,

amyemeelea

The truth is stranger than fiction…

To quote edgar allan poe in his poem ‘the thousand and second tale of scheherezade’ as I begin this entry with my lament that many *notall* people hardly listen anymore. And why do I say this? Today I spoke to a caller looking for my ex colleague and when I mentioned that she is no longer with us, she offered only silence. I encouraged her by asking what was it about and if I could put her to ‘someone who could help’. To my surprise she quickly said, ‘yes! Please put me to ms.someonewhocanhelp….’ *hehe* I couldn’t laugh because I was sooooOoo surprised. Or maybe it was my heavily accented english perhaps? But after many more incidents that I soon recalled afterwards; when it wasn’t too crazy in the office, did I the impact of the truth hit me.

Mr. Network-lefty passed me more articles to read about lefties of the world uniting and rampart political apathy surrounding the citizens od singapore continued to bug me on and off. The rise of china and india is frightening to say the least as globalisation slowly but furiously infiltrates. TIA or Total Information Awareness that was killed in 2003 is suddenly been given a rebirth as RAHS-rahs in singy, and I suspect will continue to fuel our intrinsic sense of paranoia from big bro. beware of terrorism!!! :PAnd we just HAD this talk about the importance of freedom of speech. While I still continue to read through fronltline’s headlines, the further exploration of RAHS-rahs uses and affects to all of us too will continue, while WE have to sit back and watch. Yes………watch…….as we try yet again at beating the rest of the world in being first to conduct this very egombitious *egoistic+ambitious* as reprted to be the largest data snoop doggy dog effort in the world.

Then a trip to a local disco in pretense to chaperone my niece turned out to be a trip to the police station. Apparently, the boys got into a scuffle and as broken glasses flew, resulting in a bloodied hero the whole gang was dragged outside to be interogated. Security of course had to call the police and the police haaaaaaad to drag the boys to the station even though the were many protests of innocence from witnesses. My niece, whose hero was drunk and dragged too at most confused to be an active part of the scuffle was soon beside me wailing for me to help if I could clear the misunderstanding. Well, I was the appointed chaperone so I went outside to speak to the officers. None of them paid any attention to me *tooshorttooskinny* because the whole lot of them were busy talking to each other *duh!* asking what happened and busily writing down things said in those tiny flip open notepads they had and ONE piggy, was happily shouting to the lot of boys *yestheyareboysat19&20* plastic-cuffed in the van asking for their ages. He kept asking for their ages and relationship to each other and wham! The boys were trapped. I calmed the girls down and told them it was just a case of misunderstanding and clearly the boys just had to tell the truth and they would be released. I mean we were the ones falsely accused and assulted in the first place! So there shouldn’t be any cause to worry. Older boy was drunk and a simple dance move turned out to be a huge bump and probably hit an open wound to cause the boy to explode in rage. “See!! I told you not to dance on the steps” I added without the sarcasm of course. The poor girls were sooOoo worried. So I asked the girls if they wanted to go to the station themselves to lodge a report against the older boy who started it all. It would help to clear their worry to become actively involved and they had a right to lodge an assult report. Maybe it could be used to help the innocents too.

They didn’t understand me at first, as to how they could help but after slowly telling them simply that their statements is to be used as a protection for (in case someone else says something and they too would be dragged to the station later) them and as added support to their boyfriends’ statements, we took a taxi down to the same station where the boys were. I took down the names and contact numbers of the security guys who scoffed at my meddling ways *theycalledmeCID* and who likes to be called a pig! *sniggers* and when we met at the station, only two girls were allowed in. I was too far away to be a credible witness I told myself (but how did this guy at the gate knew? He wasn’t there wot!) so the three of us had to wait for the other two to finish outside. The other two had blood splattered on their clothes anyway so ho-hum. Guess what….the girls emerged dejected half an hour later and told me that they were refused. They were told to go home and said *pastesstickeronthierforeheads* ‘not needed’. It was ridiculous! I asked them if they explained their intent clearly in the first place, which is to ‘report an assult by an unknown drunk boy in a club just moments before and that BOY is currently being interogated here right now!’. Who said anything about them needing US. We NEED THEM to take down our complaint! The two girls, probably drunk *orstupidorBOTH* looked at me limply and repeatedly said the police were the ones who convinced them that they had no business here right now and were shooed away home. *gaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!* but their consolation was that their numbers were taken and promised that they would be rung when the investigative officer feels that he needs to beef up his report with some meat. So okay lor….happy lar *blueek*

I could have hit my head there on the pavement but I didn’t of course. Nagged the girls a bit about the importance of knowing your rights and warned them not to stay ignorant for too long and sham and me took a cab home. What a perfect ending to a noisy night made possible by mind-deaf peeps. I could go on and on and OOOOoooooon but I have loads of reading to do.

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us. – Ralph Waldo Emerson”

Stay sane,
amyemeelea

opens a chapter...

the street lights go a blinking. after a short drizzle, the streets glistened with puddles of water. the air felt cool and i sat there unmoving drinking in the sounds, the smells and the buzz of human activity around me. a moving shadow coming closer to the seat occupied in front of me turned out to be a spotted cat. it was a lean stray, a singapura cat. it parked itself under the seat in front of me, the occupier above glanced down below but he seemed to say silently, "oh..its just a cat". *notsomehugebigcockroachoranythinghehe* the cat stopped and bent itsself down to lap up what it seemed like pure nectar from the heavens. once its thirst was gone, the cat, oblivious to the music, the smells and the bositerous people talking and laughing and cooing a small baby to talk, simply then walked away. the cat took its time to quench its thirst, its cute furry face devoid of any expression as cats usually are. you never really know if it was happy or sad. it just looked and acted as what is was. a thirsty cat. it didn't stretch, yawn or purr in contentment but rarely could you easily read a cat's emotion. maybe thats why they are said to be mysterious. aloof and in history revered, even worshipped for being what it is, simply a cat. it could be one with its surroundings and you would never have felt its stealthly presence. or at anytime provoked, then maybe would you feel the tense current of electricity running through its body. the cat later took a turn into one of the street and it did not look back. where it was heading and what was its purpose i wouldn't know *itdidnotwearahathaha* and then my reverie broke and i asked myself why i was so interested in the cat? i was in a cafe by the side of a smal lane crowded with people on a humid friday night. wouldn't the means of the activity buzzing around me be of more interest?

when the cat entered my realm of sight, i felt its thirst. just as i was feeling thirsty to fill the silence and and deafness that cloaked me. was i disconnected from reality i asked myself but yet concious enough to follow the cat's trail and feel its thirstness? i looked down and began another chapter of the book i was reading. the cover scrawled in black and orange, "the big questions - how philosophy can change your life". all the while bob marley was singing about freeing your mind from emancipation. the book combined and compiled by a funny guy *ithought* dared you to THINK. i often find myself laughing while leafing through the short snippets of not funny *realilifeepisodes* examples written simply to explain what is philosophy and how to build our life on our choices of philosophy that can help and change your life for the better *alwayslookonthebrightsideisONLYone* :D

surprise! surprise! i also had my last question *refertoyesterday'sentry* answered! by a real life *CUTEbutmarriedwithkids* airpilot :P the best thing about the cafe is anyone can seat anywhere *hehe* and i shared mine coincidently with the cafe owner, the pilot and an englishman on holiday. they talked, i listened and later when it got too interesting to ignore i braved myself to look up and join in. the difference in salary between a ship captain and an airpilot was in their allowance dar... :) movies, art and culture and music of the locals were discussed and because the owner was a rocker, he was of course a stauch advocate of rock mucis and its themes. everyone eventually left and cafe owner had to go cook up the kitchen while i waited or rather lingered on to wait for a friend. she called to ask if i wanted company earlier on and discuss stuff so i said why not, it was drizzling too so i stayed. i looked at my watch and how time flew! i actually wrote down half of this entry waiting and then it was 1030pm already. bobby smsed to ask if i was coming home *itisaFRIDAYnight* and i felt hungry. i called and che sal said she completely forgot about me and that she already HAD dinner and am at HOME. she repeatedly apologised and said it was a pity that i was alone *blinks* and told me not to get home too late and promised to meet tomorrow after work to discuss the intended weekend away to batam for cheap massage theraphy *itischeapertosharearoom*. i need to detox so i said lets discuss costs sometime and hence the promise to meet. for a bit i was miffed but then again i was glad she didn't show up. my conversations could have been filled with shoes, clothes and probably more gossip about girly stuff. and i don't think che sal appreciated my minah talk anyway and would have felt out of place because cafe owner and i shared a bit of a history *platonic* i would have to act mediator and would have missed the cat! and so i ended the teleconvo with my usual, 'if god wills then tommorow we'll meet' but she quickly planned the day out in smack middle town on a saturday to go shopping :s *gaaaaahhhhhhh* i am seriously considering this trip now.

here i am at home, asam pedas in microwave waiting for me and i spy bibik bayu and powwsters both busy ;) i'm going to assuage my hunger and flipped through a book that brought me to the cafe in the first place. cafe owner's girlfriend insisted i read the book. its an international bestseller it seems, 'thick face, black heart - the warrior philosophy for conquering the challenges of business and life'. she still owes me my arabian nights hah! which is still travelling somewhere around singapore. so more on THAT laters.....hungry nie...

stay sane,
amyemeelea

not new...

how often have you been called crazy lately? apparently, being not seen and heard for long periods at times now equals to 'you are loco!'. reasons popular and accepted before such as 'busy being blindly in love', 'family commitments', 'school assignments' and 'workoholic' just don't cut it anymore with the generals ;) the often scientifically proven genetically and statistically belief that all human beings are social creatures have made me an outcast deserving a permanent home *extended* at the institute of mental health. it doesn't help if your interest is the workings of the mind. apparently it only strengthens the fact that you are crazy. not at all normal :D *yeayyyyyyyyyyyy!* add a little bit of truth that i do once in a while ask for a prescription to ease me from fatigue *apparentlytheyareimmunetothefluvirusunlikeme* and dis-ease *don'tweallhavesadstoriestotell* and ta-daaa! i am a mental. i like being mental and relish being a bad nut so it doesn't bother me the least. i think its adds on to the reality factor that is so much in the craze now :P *heheheh* the more well read would call me an idealist or maybe seriously narcissistic actually. but i don't think you can catch any of what i have by naming me as a friend. just beware of spittle *muahahahaha*

so it is confirmed that we'd be moving to kampong bahru, close to the ports! at keppel distripark!!! *arrrghhh* being in the freight forwarding business we have to be close to the port and it is natural for birds of a feather to flock together. my bet is the low rental we got as office space in the cbd has risen to a high. and we'd still be close enough to tanjong pagar like 6 damn bloody bustops away from raffles place. that would mean that i will have to travel even further to work *dehem* and it will of course costs more! i will have to travel further to school which has recently shifted to a new campus in beach road and by bus too! *gahhh!* my consolation? i have my own reception area with a SOLID wall behind me *hehebleymsn* and we'd be closer to harbour front and a few minutes away from sentosa *likeigothereeveryday* what a dilemma but i am giving it a try. i have never worked in that part of singapore before so it will be intresting...*rollseyes* maybe i should ask for a raise? since i'd be spending more on transport :D

i think it is a sign to go pick up my license or something...or move to telok blangah! well....*mumbles* i think i'd better go get some shut eye now before i get really grouchy thinking about it all. time to pull my trusty blankie of stoic calm and see if it will slowly make me more agreeable to moving just when i thought i have finally settled down. its either there or changi airport terminal siak where the other half of the office is moving too :(

keppel? changi? keppel? changi? keppel? changi? how much do you think the difference is in salary is between a ship captain and an airpilot be?? *cough* ;) help please????

stay sane,
amyemeelea

the weekend...

after a terrible night on friday, i popped a happy pill to rest. woke up and i was determined to not let the days past affect my decision to fight for my beliefs. how flawed am i as a human being to not fear infidelity? i'm just the jealous type ;) no no like to share....my feet felt heavy but a picture of hapiness awaited me in yishun. we were to spend the day at sentosa beach!

we finally reached destination by 4pm and it was too short! but the 3 terrors as always were just as happy and excited to go for another adventure! we spent the night at sham's who hosted me and the 3 terrors at telok blangah. and it was great relief! i didn't think i would make it back to yishun with "are we there yet x 100000000" ringing in my ears all they way back from sentosa to yishun. sham made it possible for me to make up for the short time spent at the beach by having a movie night with kids. all eight of us cramped in the lving room, lights out and screaming our heads of watching 'final destination 3'. it was funny too because there were boobies flashed during the movie and it was cute to see how 'soooooome' of the kids quickly shut their eyes to avoid the nudity *naughtynaughty* sham's three boys plus my three terrors took to each other fast and even though plagued by nightmares that night, it was FUN! sham and me spent quality time in the kitchen till 3 am after the kids slept nervously huddled together, gaining strength in numbers to fight the oncoming nightmares *hehe* we both succumbed to fatigue and greeted the next day at 12 noon! breakfast was french toast with nutella or peanut butter to be washed down by milo. then it was tv time till a trip to telok blangah hill for more morbid playtime. we just had to go up the hill where they found the murdered girl's body :D

took a bus to outram mrt and then terror 1 and 2 learnt how to buy tickets for the train ride. terror 2 amazed me by being such the tiny gentleman. he carried stuff and behaved the perfect boy! *gush* and terror 3 took her afternoon nap on the train. she droooled!! and then we rewarded ourselves with drinks from 7 11 before dinner at kak tina's where towards the evening, i lost my temper at terror 1 because i was ready to faint from tiredness. bobby and shikino being the darlings they are helped me with the kids back to hougang and *phew* it was back home to catch up with me time. after MY movie about fidel castro, i switched on the pc to blog on my feelings about the movie. you know fire in da belly stuff on politics, humanitarian issues and passion. docu was directed by oliver stone and smack i ran into bibik baiyu on msn! so i forgot about what i wanted to blog about *sheepish* da fire got doused by my sexcitedness brought on by my convos with bibik *waves* somewhere from inside, the embers still glowed but maybe another night. i am waiting for the room to cool before i slip under the covers to rejuvenate myself for another work week. sexcited about new books to read coming my way! jujitsu! archery! HORSE RIDING!!!!and reflections of friendships solidified by compromise and honesty. trust is built on the experience of being real about yourself and even if i don't believe in your convictions, i will not judge you. you have to get to know me to trust me on this as all the time spent in the world will bring to naught if all the time you were beside me only to drift away into narrow mindedness and past comparisions *lethalcombo* :)

if i were to judge you as someone i know very well by the time spent togther, then you would have been my bestest friend in the whole wide world because we spent almost 3 years stuck together like cojoined twins. yet...sadly, you couldn't even begin to understand how it hurt to know you compromised my trust by lying to me about the very simplest things. i heart you much and will miss your company but i will never bow to forced fear and threats. its just not me, i can only try to tame that selfish part of me to your will but alas....a lie is a lie. and i can't and will not tolerate repeated lies, even under the pretext of how the truth will hurt me. you must know what strong vile stuff i am made off. i marvel at the simplicity of how a heart felt nervous jaunt of 3 hours between fair weathered strangers can be more real than being with you for these 3 years. as i wish you much happiness with those you r-e-s-p-e-c-t with your honesty. i wish for powwsters, sham, baiyu, waty and suhaidah the bestest of my attention, my r-e-s-p-e-c-t and honesty within the short spurts in time we have spent time together. online? offline?? mere seconds? minutes? hours? days never ending to eternity? does it really matter?

do i sound single yet?!!!! :P *muahahahahahah*

*enjoying* melly goeslaw ft ari lasso courtesy of powwsters *heartlu*

Tiba-tiba engkau ada
kemudian engkau hadir
laksana kerdil ku memeluk
lihat aku lebih dalam
di matamu ku melihat
ada cinta yg tersirat
sirami hati merebak

barangkali aku salah
ku terdiam bukan bisu
tahu engkau besar malu
tutupi rasa gelisah

*biar saja waktu nanti
yg menikmati kisah ini
bersamamu aku senang

reff:
belum juga kah kau menyadarinya
akulah yg pantas untuk kau cintai
di bawah langit biru aku bersumpah
diriku tanpamu apa artinya cinta
arti cinta ini sudah menelan waktuku
siang malam hanya untuk pikirkan engkau
sejuta kali aku berani bersumpah
diriku tanpamu apa artinya cinta

stay sane,
amyemeelea

see what i mean?

----- Original Message -----
From: gua
To: aksyenhensem. ; 'kakakku1' ; makminahtempe ; 'makmok; 'thechosenone' ; 'ms.iambetterthanyou' 'ms.kuniang' ; mrgatalz ; 'kakakku2 ; mr.niceentah ; 'kayel'; harrapotek
Cc: 'ms.tub-o-shitte ; 'mr.straightasanarrow'
Sent: Saturday, March 17, 2007 10:38 AM
Subject: Re: CIRCULAR - Quotation for Local & LCL Cargo Transportation

Dear Aksyenhensem,

Noted your comments and shall avoid at all costs such remarks in future and focus on my job.

Please accept my sincerest apologies as I have wasted your time.

Best/Gua

----- Original Message -----
From: aksyenhensem
To: gua; 'kakakku1' ; makminahtempe ; 'makmok' ; 'thechosenone'; 'ms.iambetterthanyou'; 'ms.kuniang' ;mr.gatalz; 'kakakku2 ; mr.niceentah; 'kayel' ; 'harrapotek'
Cc: 'ms.tub-o-shitte ; 'mr.straightasanarrow
Sent: Saturday, March 17, 2007 10:25 AM
Subject: RE: CIRCULAR - Quotation for Local & LCL Cargo Transportation


Amy, such remarks infuture, don’t appreciate it. Try to focus on your job.


Regards makel aksyenhensem

From: gua
Sent: Saturday, March 17, 2007 9:53 AM
To: aksyenhensem; 'kakakku1'; makminahtempe; 'makmok'; 'thechosenone'; 'ms.iambetterthanyou'; 'ms.kuniang'; mr.gatalz; 'kakakku2'; mr.niceentah; 'KayeL'; harrapotek'
Cc: 'ms.tub-o-shitte' ; 'mr.straightasanarrow'
Subject: Re: CIRCULAR - Quotation for Local & LCL Cargo Transportation

And the prize goes to Vikas for being astute! ;)

Thank you....

----- Original Message -----
From: aksyenhensem
To: gua; 'kakakku1' ; makminahtempe; 'makmok' ; 'thechosenone' ; 'ms.iambetterthanyou'; 'ms.kuniang' ; mr.gatalz; 'kakakku2' ; mr.niceentah; 'kayel' ; harrapotek
Cc: 'ms.tub-o-shitte'; 'mr straightasanarrow'
Sent: Friday, March 16, 2007 9:35 PM
Subject: RE: CIRCULAR - Quotation for Local & LCL Cargo Transportation

No attachment!


Regards makkel aksyen hensem

From: gua
Sent: Friday, March 16, 2007 4:26 PM
To: aksyenhensem; kakakku1; makminahteme; makmok; thechosenone; ms.iambetterthanyou; ms.kuniang; mr.gatalz, kakakku2; mr.niceentah, Kayel; harrapotek
Cc: ms.tub-o-shitte; mr.straightasanarrow
Subject: CIRCULAR - Quotation for Local & LCL Cargo TransportationImportance: High

Dear All,

Attached circular is for your perusal and information safekeeps.

Thank you & Best regards,
Gua, Ms
Admin Pao Semua Bodel Semua Asst.
Da nak pindah pong
Building nak roboh
DID : (65) 6880 ---- Fax : (65) 6323 ----
Email : guapunya@pasalLAH.com

Does it really matter?

The flu I was down with lasted till today. My body still aches and life has been pretty much a whack! Two more people left the company either by force or willingly, I dare not even speculate. Another one is confirmed to go for greener pastures out there *PLEASEGOalready* and we have just Ms. Fake Lashes who can’t decide if she wants to leave or not. I think she is still hoping for that payrise. We are also moving soon to god knows where and I overheard over the grapevine that it might even be as far as Kaki Bukit. Oh! Ms. tub-o-shitte just told me that everyone is contributing to pay my salary, everyone is working hard to feed me and that money does not grow on trees! Just because I stood up to her and justified my actions of many Saturdays spent sick at home and the piled filing behind my desk and not to forget complaints about me behaving much more like a senior in the company than a junior. What else was there? How I must always tell everyone where I go and where I am because NO ONE except the TELEPHONE OPERATOR can pick and redirect all calls. Who cares if each of them has a direct line and that each department has their own hunting lines! then, mr. Owl in the pretext of trying to read as always, what is on my screen comes from behind and asks, “what are you always reading amy?” it is BUT my hotmail arhh! Because I can’t get incoming emails from our server you idiot >( and don’t tell me I need to NEVER visit hotmail siak! and what the hell! The big boss says in passing, that the reason I am so forgetful is because I smoke too much when I can’t even go pee, photocopy or do anything else in this snitches paradise. All this bad, negative vibes, talk and action I get from a company who has yet done an proper appraisal before confirming me and its been 2 months into confirmation without receiving my appointment letter. *rollseyes*

it seems to keep coming back to me, chronic mismanagement by middle managers who don’t seem at all secure or satisfied with what responsiblities they have. This feeling of being cheated just exploded the other day and I did the unthinkable….i screamed at ms. Tub-o-shitte. :P it is me, sick and very tired of repeating the same old coping mechanisms over and over again. But of course I apologised afterwards *ahems* I read in passing a reader sugeested that one should not blog about work? Ah-because?!!! I think the reason was because it is just so wrong to bite the hand that feeds you *whatadumbass* And just yesterday when I watched tv, students were arguing whether bloggers are getting more influential than journalists. It was a tough call but yes, I agreed with the judges…the boys were more tight in putting their points across and dumping it on the gals when they were hyperventilating already *hehe* with a smile to boot. I couldn’t really hear the boys at times because they were trying to squeeze a whole lot encyclopedia bits on blogging, ethics lar, area and level of influence lar! And I heard a bit about publishing and not to forget the ever present statistics of this and that to back up ones argument. I just sat there inspired still a couch potato *forthatmoment* nonetheless : )


IFEELCHEATED ah!!!!! But strangely, there my outbursts stop. More coping with distractions. At least the pay is way better than my last place. At least I don’t have to wear a jumpsuit. At least it is not shift work. At least once a day, there’s always someone telling me how much they appreciate my thoughtfulness :) or that I look like amy mastura! *blueek* add on enough for the blog it in bits on where I can remember and then go home watch something on tv *thatilikelar* and blow some steam off. Isn’t that ALL that we do? *seething* but at least I am not doing anything in particular toooOooooo much to distract from feeling bad, worst and dead. No..you can’t overdose on sleep; only slight side effects. Nothing that I can’t handle :P as I have comitted myself to do my very best and to stick around till god knows when! I will have to work the wheel like a good rat in training I am ;) just that this rat has a few tricks up my skinny tail.

Feel Bad ---> distract and do a reality check. is my perception of the situation correct? Did I make sure I everyone wore their I-am-stupid-sticker on their forhead? Frustrated ----> distract and analyse if the situation is unfair, meaning that they didn’t warn me of their stupidity by wearing their stickers, FORCE them to wear the stickers. Still persists and now leading to feeling Depressed -----> distract by asking one last time why they still refuse to acknowledge their stupidity with or without them stickers! then there is nothing left to do but forgive : ) just remember to smile very sweetly and hold in all that vomit before excusing yourself to the toilet and heave carefully into the toilet bowl. Make sure no one hears you though and none spilled on the floor……..weeeeeeeee! it sure is FUN >) it is good for the heart they say, these forms of exercise. but it does STOP these vicious cycles from eating you up. And remember to always have fun with people who know how to have fun.

“the heart has its reasons which reason does not know” – blaise pascal.. and i don't know why i can't bold unbold and do what not to my entry :( only blog knows...

Stay sane,
amyemeelea

post v day...

down with fever and on medical leave from yesterday. i'm due to work in an hour or so because i need to tie down rough ends at work. i decided after my short conversation with ms. tub-o-shitte this morning that it will be in my best interest to forgo my selfish need for some away time from everybody to come back and prove to company what a responsible rat i am. mr. lonely got the sack yesterday and called me to talk just now but his defense mechansim that he has built around himself is too thick to be penetrated by me. he didn't sound sad or remorseful, instead he sounded dejected but hopeful for a new future. funny but ms. finicky didn't mention his departure. no one did. maybe things will be different but the same. well, onward march to the office i go.......

spent v day trapped in my own delusions. *nuffsaid* maybe things will be different but the same :) no buttons pushed hard enough but i'm very aware of its repercussions. episodes of 'my name is earl' come to my mind. funny show that i don't watch enough. trail thoughts to amir...powwsters and those who matter....happy valentines day to ALL.....hope that we all can find the meanings we are looking for without having to lean on commercial reminders.

nyce....when we fuss we care. when we don't we are just in it for free lunch :D

"Birds flying high you know how i feel
Sun in the sky you know how i feel
Reeds driftin' on by you know how i feel

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And i'm feeling good

Fish in the sea you know how i feel
River running free you know how i feel
Blossom in the tree you know how i feel

Dragonfly out in the sun you know what i mean, don't you know
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what i mean
Sleep in peace when day is done
That's what i mean

And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me

Stars when you shine you know how i feel
Scent of the pine you know how i feel
Oh freedom is mine
And i know how i feel"

go look for the song....nina simone :)

stay sane,
amyemeelea

the grapevine..

a very intresting question hugsy....would it be an opporturnity for me to be 'something' other than who i am now. what my current roles are and how i see myself fitting in. but if you know me well, i'd always be simulating some degree of surface conformism in order to mask my inherent unconventiality. i've had my fair share of 'better safe than sorry' experiences and at this time, i hope my willingness to 'work at it' will bear sweet fruit of personal satisfaction.

being a self confessed intuitive person, there are many times where i get jammed in stiutations where others may see what is and wonder why; i'd see what might be and say "Why not?!" Paradoxes, antinomies, and other contradictory phenomena aptly express my intuitors' amusement at those whom i feel may be taking a particular view of reality too seriously. i just wish i have friends at work who'd enjoy developing unique solutions to complex problems. to add to that, my sense of acute pessimism often act as more of a boon than any help espescially when relationships involving another human being are usually complex and intricate to even begin with. i do miss a sparing partner :( or maybe at times i miss somebody i could rant and bitch with hehehe...*yeay!fortheselfcentered*

saw nyce bebe for lunch the other day. we ended up sharing a subway meal together and china square or was it central? she paid for lunch got me a cookie and then later i saw raphael! from my days at parkmall. we swapped stories and caught up with each other's lives. it hasn't been easy these past few days. the main man is out of town and i'm put in charge of looking for our new office. tons of filing to do and with all the melodrama at work after our impromtu general meeting last tuesday, i am feeling a lil bit blue. all these days being swamped at work and keeping many late nights with indiscretions of indulgence, very likely expressions of the unconscious vengeance my feelings of inferiority at work and personally has drained me out considerably.

thoughts tipping close to the borders of sweet revenge constantly plough my mind. mantra of the week which is to 'let go of all my expectations' is wearing down. it is a constant challenge each day to keep mum and suffer in excrutiating silence when all i want to do is take these perpetrators to justice. i have yet managed to complement my intuitive understanding with a well-developed ability to express my insights, and often find myself frequently misunderstood. *bah!!!* :P In these cases, i tend to blame misunderstandings on the limitations of the other party, rather than on my own difficulty in expressing myself. and this tendency i know may have caused me to dismiss others input too quickly, and to become generally arrogant and elitist. which i am NOT in the least :D am i another tt durai in the making perhaps?! *muahahaha*

i read the sunday times with vigour on the way back on the bus this morning. bought it because i forgot my book and since my mind needs to constantly be in association with as many thoguhts and ideas at all times, 80 cents was a small price to pay to cram my head with what's going on with the rest of the country *forlaughsreally*. we are trying to hit a target of 6.5million people dunno when. the death of anna nicole smith is still a mystery. polytechnic students are making waves in the stock market and the big hoo-haa of valentines mark the pages. dr. mahathir mohamad is still going round making his disgruntled views of singapore and his premier very much known. so singapore won the asean cup and indra shadan wants to be an errant teenager's counsellor when he's too old to play football. and how come WE didn't know he quit polytechnic *gasp!!!* after 2 years to play pro football! oh why did you ever think there could be another fandi?! we are going to have a HUGE ferris wheel up in singapore soon! and some people in indonesia is saying that the reason that the country is facing so many natural disasters recently simply because thier president is jinxed. malaysia just thinks it is singapore getting bigger and richer by day and see what happened in johore! all the water caused by our presistent land reclamation is causing many families in malaysia to eat, sleep and everything underwater ;P

"To me it suffices to wonder at these secrets and to attempt humbly to grasp with my mind a mere image of the lofty structure of all that there is." - Anon

stay sane,
amyemeelea

Ms. Finicky and Mr. lonely, the meeting…

I would be confirmed as verbally said to me last week by end of this month. Ms. Tub-o-shitte told me she would only deduct 2 days of my salary for the mc and unpaid leave I took this month and the other 2 days will be deducted from my annual leave. Yeay!! End of my episode.

Start of another episode.

About a month after I joined the company, we were joined by another newbie. He is about probably 40, average looking with dustings of grey liberally all over his crown of greasy hair and a crooked smile brought on by missing teeth right at the back. He tries very hard to be nice to everybody being new and all. He buys breakfast, says hello and everybody just took him in as he is.

It was during that time as well, ms. Finicky started to have problems at work with my other 2 colleagues (both now have resigned). She just came back from a long period of convalescence and felt that she was being picked upon and punished by going on medical leave for 2 weeks by being asked to assist another manager. She wasn’t happy and all matter of accusations started to fly in that tiny department of theirs manned by 2 managers. The manager she was asked to assist was notorious for sloppy and messy work. She swore the other 2 had something to do with it. They (the innocent 2) must must must have poisoned the rest (the whole company in fact) against her and not willing to come to work everyday crying and telling everyone else her woes of not being perfect she quit. The main man didn’t even ask to see her and they accepted her resignation as a sign that she knows that her standards have dropped and that from a management’s point of view, NO one is indispensable. She bawled her eyes out man! She couldn’t believe that she would get such treatment from the main man as she is a very senior staff. So she got another job and about to leave she allied herself with Mr. lonely!

The other evil 2 couldn’t stand Mr. lonely. He was dirty, uncouth, smelly and his movements seriously lecherous. He would ogle at anyone’s breast, asked about very personal questions and really, really SLOW in his work. Of course anyone especially the ladies loathed him. Deep down they know he is just another guy but already they had multitudes of reasons to hate him for who he is. Only Ms. Finicky who sat beside him had nice things to say about Mr. lonely. They sat beside each other you see and all the while Ms. Finicky carried tales about how she pitied Mr. lonely and she must help him and teach him all she knows before she leaves. Objective is for Mr. lonely to be even better than the other 2 evil twins muahahahah!

BUT….the evil twins, they had other plans and after the childish fiasco in their department they got very distracted at work. It is because they too are new; the impressions of un-professionalism that had imprinted on their minds made both of them decide to leave too. They made a bet with me and said that ms. Finicky would NEVER leave. She would take this opportunity to show to everyone and the management how she has been wronged by showing her loyalty now by staying. The main man only saw her after accepting the 2 evil twins resignation and BEGGED her to stay. Ms. Finicky asked for my opinion and I told her not to take the offer if the remunerations does not make up for all the hurt she felt. All this while, Mr. lonely was her best friend. Her sworn ally.

All changed when the evil twins got out and suddenly Mr. lonely was the baddest guy ever! He made a mistake of calling her late 1 night and since Ms. Finicky is happily married, it created a huge misunderstanding between her and hubby. This gave her an excuse to truly show how she felt about him. It was never out of sympathy or pity or even understanding. He was just another fall guy. The next day she was back to her old antics and the whole office came together to condemn the cheekopek or dirty-ole-man. They laughed at his insecurities, his loneliness and shunned his apologies. She spoke to the branch manager, Mr. sway-like-the-lalangs and had him shift to another desk. Reason was that Mr. lonely came too close to her and this scared her. She asked everyone to listen out for her screams when she would be the only one left with Mr. lonely. All this while ever since then, ms. Finicky refused to say a word or acknowledge Mr. lonely.

Yes, Mr. lonely is just another ‘person’ who has a problem of keeping to staid rules made by other ‘people’. He didn’t just call ms. Finicky but me too. Maybe even everyone he thought was his ‘friend’. But, he seems to get the idea that in order to fit he has to cut a lot of corners and I can see he is trying very hard.

‘Everyman, wherever he goes is encompassed by a cloud of comforting convictions, which move with him like flies on a summer day.’ – Bertrand Russell

So….even if you love your flies and them flying in comfort all around you, please DO NOT even try to pass the off to me. I breed only my own :P and I have a BIG, HUGE and very nasty fly swatter ready to kill as many strange, unknown flies moving towards me.

Stay sane,
jahatamyemeelea

Wish upon a star and follow who you are….

Last 13th Jan, I turned 29 and my eldest turned 7. We celebrated both our birthdays with a small gathering of neighbours at the place where she practically grew up and where, I shared my innermost turmoils with strangers who now I call family.

I didn’t get ANY presents this year *sourgrapes* but terror 1 reminded me I didn’t need any to feel special because SHE is my present. *hehehehe* so she likes to always remind me when I get all pouty and sulky about having no presents this year!!!! Who doesn’t love presents!!!! I loooooove presents! Still, I thank all who remembered my birthday. I got many well wishes and that soothed my selfish heart a bit >) I had a nice lunch courtesy of cylernkilla and bobby and shikino just asked what I wanted for my birthday. Bobby asked if I wanted perfume but I told nah….i asked for books but he said to please ask for something easier to buy. Eh!! When did buying presents turn to be just another stroll in the shopping centre? :P but whatever IT is going to be, I’m going to love it and I’m going to enjoy it definitely.

I can’t bring myself to load the pics but there’s one I like of terror 1 & 3 together. They always hug when taking pics but still, terror 3 likes to complain that she isn’t loved by either 1 or 2 *muahahah* terror 2 is so difficult to photograph so he isn’t in many of the photos I took. I was too busy playing host and entertaining the kids and so the camera was left unused. Maybe later…

Now, I just want to sail and immerse myself with my conversations over msn…thank you husgy for the parting message which I used for the title in this blog entry. The elusiveness of love and the challenges of being married. Been there done that. My aspirations of becoming a witch. And how I’m not suited to live here with my liberal views fused with much eastern values. Or maybe I’m stuck thinking that if I can’t make it here then I can’t make it anywhere. Options still open. Saiko is pregnant!!!! Ajip’s son looks just like him and we both think this baby is definitely the next bet for singapore’s next olympic medal. Mum former national runner and dad is soccer fanatic. Condolences to poww for her lost. We both miss you. Hearing your voice right after I smsed was HUGE so let’s meet soon powwsters. Thank you yunis for asking me where it hurts. amir for just being amir! I promise to log soon because we can catch up on ‘kasih, cinta dan sayang’ Sham please get well and I bet you’d start smoking soon enough *hehe* and how I hate hate hate LIARS. May their pants really go on fire. I need to work on my next school assignments and now read till I can finally doze off. Noorticataitai, please..can I have just 10% of that cool 1 mil you got for selling away the house ;P pleeeeeeas arh! Listening to lefthanded right now……brought on by memories from gp.com :D never in anger because the past should be always in the fondest of memories.

“Kau pergi tanpa kerelaanku….hatiku lukaaaaaa…hampa dan kecewaaaaaaaaaa”

cedey lar gua!

Stay sane cos I haven’t been myself lately,
amyemeelea

first day at school!

Dengan langkah berani seorang srikandi diiringi doa
Kau yang bergelar Puteri hatiku menyusun tapak perjalananmu
Pergi bertetapkan jiwa cekal nan waja
Untuk menimba segala rahsia ilmu penghias hidup
Belukar onar berduri lakaran bukan milikmu
Mara terus maju kehadapan tetapkan pendirianmu
Wahai srikandi Puteri sanjungan!
Tebas tewaskan ragumu biar hancur cebisan noda
Cemuhan rintihan hitam busuk hati sekelilingmu
Jangan kau hirau sakit luka silam meracau pemikiranmu
Tajamkan azam dan runcingkan akalmu buat menindas
Ujaran palsu lagi simpang siurnya mendalam
Buka hatimu terima hakikat mengelirukan
Tapi ingat tujuan suci lurus hanya Satu
Percantikkan dan kukuhkan imanmu
Wahai srikandi Puteri pujaanku!
Hanya dengan ikatan doa harapan dan cebisan senyuman
Dapat aku sumbangkan, pelukan rindu hangat
Kucupan manis dibawa sang bayu mengiringi tiap tapak perjalananmu

stay sane,
amyemeelea

picture!

thats the nicest hari raya picture i can got of the 3 terrors. and funny, the camera could only store 20 pics :( and i dunno why because i would have loved to take MORE pictures of em. that is the difference between the old camera and these new digital ones. at least with the old one, you know exactly how many exposures you have and could use, with this! you kinda have to fiddle and pray you have some more space left. and it sucks battery life big time!!!!

so the 3 terrors lined up and terror 1 had to try hard to keep the other wriggling, fidgeting 2 still so that mama here can snap a nice picture. we thought the picture took the very essence of each and every character of the 3 terrors. terror 1 is the tallest and eldest who is a bit shy and sweet natured has both hands on her siblings. she is protective of them as much as one who rules with an iron fist over her siblings *heheheheh* ah! i have to laugh because her namesake was derived from a spanish line of warrior princesses. the cheeky boy is terror 2 who always has a good one or two tricks up his sleeves. he likes to purposely rile you up to elicit anykind of response from you, and i'm guessing its because he hardly gets much attention like the other two being just the boy. he's very vain!!!! just ask who is the handsomest boy in school and he would promptly say its HIM *tskkkk* :P and last but not least the cutest, smiling ever so wide one in gold is terror 3. do not be fooled by that oh-so-sweet-smile, cos when she's all riled up she can pout and sulk till milk curdles. and she screams too! in e sharp minor major-ear-drum-burst no less *muehehehehe* :P

stay sane,
amyemeelea