longing for the lost.

“Sometimes when I look at you, I feel I'm gazing at a distant star.
It's dazzling, but the light is from tens of thousands of years ago.
Maybe the star doesn't even exist any more. Yet sometimes that light seems more real to me than anything."
 Haruki Murakami -  South of the border, West of the sun. 

dear son,

i miss you. i love you. i need you forever and ever and ever and ever.

faithfully yours,

mama terror.

the Eid 2013.

I have extended the holidays and used up all my leave in the process.

Today, having used up all my excuses to procrastinate any longer, I set myself to go-blog as I had mentally flogged myself with so often recently. I really do not know where to start but here and now. the fact that the last few days have been draining. it was not so much different and it stays the same that I have yet to see the terrors. terror 1 made it better by slipping in a song on whatsapp and wished me selamat hari raya.

here's the song :-

http://youtu.be/3KbSC5GMAYI

she is learning the chords to this song from mr google from the company internet as she says. yeaps, my eldest is ms. smartypants. I listened to the song and was at once reminded of school days where the girlfriends and your truly would skip school to go jamming with the guys. I never really learnt to play an instrument but more or less just sang along haha! they were all at their auntie's for this hari raya since their dad and stepmum are doing their umrah in mecca. they are already back as I am writing this and that is the last I have heard of them.

maybe I will be seeing them soon, maybe not but I do hope not the latter.

so I continued my hari raya celebrations being the sweet dutiful fiancé to an awesome partner in kuala lumpur. his nephew and niece are back with us and his mum having made all the way from Scotland so it was very special. There was ms. panpretty and mister. hammessy lolling about in the apartment with mak and of course, choucou the cat. It was a heartwarming picture as it is the first time in over 8 years or more that the family has been together. Now also plus one that is myself thrown into the mix. my bittersweet albeit awesome raya was just beginning.

mak did not cook but outsourced the raya goodies. kama and myself helped to pick up the goodies from the nearby neighbourhood and of course we got lost. she ordered biryani and various rendangs for 15 people. they were packed in Tupperware and didn't look enough to feed 6? but of course the food lasted 3 days before finally binned. we managed photo sessions and also swims in between the visiting to and fro. the kids wore a bewildered look as they were handed small packets of money but of course happy to wish everyone selamat hari raya in their best malay. I poured my heart to the kids because I missed the terrors. I made ms. panpretty up in the prettiest colours and played with her hair.
mister. hammessy showed me how he played stickman war 2 and together we all swam and played badminton downstairs.

so yes, I had fun and ate a lot.

I didn't send out any raya messages so of course I did not have any back. except from very random people. it is nice to know maybe in small ways I made an impression to this people. so thank you mr. ezeunicorn (I know you will be reading this) and also yanto my talented young friend. even my security supervisor sent me a short meaningful message :)

of course the emotional bit got steep for a bit this raya when I took the opporturnity to wish mak a selamat hari raya that morning. she told me she loved me and that I was a daughter. she whispered to care for kama when she is gone. I freaked a bit and replied how I wont let that happen as she will always be with us. of course I realised this is a bit too dramatic even for me but I don't do well with surprises. I scooted off to the kitchen right after to care for my swollen eyes. thank god for water proof mascara and spied kama kneeling in solemn embrace of mak's knees. gah!! tears threatened to run amok again so I ran after the kids to wai. also I knew the brother might want a private moment too. I also overheard cheng's voice ovr Skype wishing mak a selamat hari raya. left me to wonder how mak is really taking in this raya. it just felt surreal in some ways.

so that's my raya story.

hopefully this long draught will soon pass I will start go-blogging regularly again. I guess the long hiatus is enough of a mourning period of a lost muse.

selamat hari raya, maaf zahir batin.

xxxx
j.amyemeelea

empowerment camp.

terror one is second from left and that is my eldest for you, tongue sticking out happy that she is now officially part of the girl's brigade.

nothing can describe how proud i am of you so let's keep it at that. it doesn't matter that no one understands (right now anyway) because you are going to do what you want and believe in anyway so....keep it up munchkin!

enjoy your teenage years and stay happy my present, because no one has the power but YOU to make the difference that you need. 

i'm happy to see you happy :)

proud mama terror,

j.amyemeelea

 

a jolt of reality...

i caught up with two of my awesome buddies this week who've been out of the radar for quite sometime. i've been feeling blue over my own realisation for not making the efforts in making time for those who matter. i met che. commando over drinks at holland village last thursday and had a 4 hour conversation on the phone today with che. ndot. in between last friday, i managed to squeeze dinner at causeway to meet the 4 other girls going to cambodia with me to plan for the upcoming trip this april.

che. commando had been to prison for a week before start of university and is serving probabtion time now for a stupid gungho mistake. che. ndot been battling with home woes and is 10 weeks pregnant, expecting her third child and her hormones are out of whack.  the ladies planning the trip are going crazy trying to get everyone together to 'do something' or contribute to the trip.

me?

I just finished my 3 month probation and enjoyed my first saturday off on my own this weekend at home doing nothing. kama will be back tonight to fill in details about lahad datu and his endless discussions about the upcoming malaysian elections.

all is well and now on to priorities next week....that must be of personal nature instead of letting work rule over me :-

MAKE MORE DATES FOR THOSE WHO MATTER.

it could be a simple meet up after work or that hours long conversation on the phone or even random updates on facebook. it is most important is to keep the communication going in person. nothing beats that one on one experience with another.

so thank you terror one who said please take time to enjoy my first saturday off!! i promise to make it to your parade next weekend because this weekend, i really had to make time for che. commando, aunty ndot and also my girl buddies for the cambodia trip. i needed the time as well with kama at home because he needs an assuring hand at dinner to cuddle.

ultimately you know that you are the best daughter i could ever ask for because all in all i need the time for myself to reflect and set my priorities going on ahead. thank you sweetheart for not insisting i must be mom first and foremost because the reality is......i am more than a mom to you.

so yes!!! at your parade next weekend...i am going to be the best MOM ever and make my presence with you count because.....

i do care :)

love mama terror,

j.amyemeelea

 

the long awaited update.

this is more for myself. you guys realise that by writing i am trying to neutralise or balance my libido and mortido tendencies right?

so anyway, my birthday passed in January and I've got a new job. i love it of course but its getting on my nerves a tad bit. especially today i i had a warning from my vendor about taking care to avoid a certain someone because he's exclaimed he wants to hex me somewhat. leaving all the details behind, i am happy to report that I'm in a very solid position to hold on and stay positive.

I'm wasting a lot of water though, by taking a lot of hot baths! although, i must say it is ACTUALLY making me lose weight. i am at 45. 1kg currently so please hate me. i do have a slight muffin top but it takes very little to correct that with controlled breathing and the right sense of fashion.

i watched women's MMA take a revolutionary turn this morning with the first ever women's UFC bantam weight championship and boy~ was the world glad the straight woman win. i had this irksome feeling while i watched the primetime preview for the match. these women are world class athletes and to use their private inclinations to draw the crowd to watch the match didn't rest well with me. although, i must say, the fight between rowdy rousey and girlrilla liz was TIGHT.

i actually wanted terror 1 to watch the fight with me on sunday morning but she told me she's more into wrestling *sigh* i rationalised WWF was too emotionally driven and the moves were just too showy and violent. you wanted clean moves, strategy and serious good cardio to last in a mixed martial art showdown. these women were professionals. i love the fact that the ultimate champion works seriously hard and enforces strict discipline to excel in her 'art'. yeah...its physical alright but HEY~ wake up...we do need to value women who are born this way, and i mean the physically strong women who actually 'fight' for a living.

so anyway, terror 1 is not convinced *bleargh* maybe another time then.

besides the fact that fatboy aka terror 2 has avoided seeing me for the past 2 months or so, i'm content to say that my girls are as normal as can be. one is worried about being called 'esbok bergerak' or *'moving frideg'* for some of you and then the other worried about getting the one direction tumbler. the fatboy is dealing with denial issues and stealing in school and with family. by family i mean by stealing from us. i have in mind to give him a good wallop but i'm glad we are taking the loving and assertive parenting style instead. he must try to get restitution for his actions without violence.

bo said i should kidnap terror 2 by staking outside school but i think we'd manage to find time and sit him down. the good news is bo's getting a daughter whom i hope will be as trying as the terrors hehehehehehe...besides serious talk about marriage and what entails after, i am glad that at least...for this moment, kama has not set his ideals on more kids. i love them but i can't deal with the diaper changes and sleepless nights.which goes on for quite forever when you've been sleep deprived nursing at least 4 hours interval until you wean the baby off.

yet the best news is bo and kin saying yes to dinner here in the swamps this weekend. he had some reservations about us serving alcohol. which i admit can be trying  but i told him like seriously, don't be such an ass. i know we are already in sin but where's the love and encouragement with reminders to spur on for a more muslimmah code of life? you can't deny me the leeway no matter how small the window of opportunity; to make good by your standards can you?

all in all....i'm grateful and count my blessings. we have the right support in times of self delusional needs.

so yeah...

i might not mind when i'm not aware and i'm counting on reminders of small miracles in signs of hope and understanding. it is my time i'm working against so if i have been a bad sister, the wrost kind of mom and totally insensitive prick of a friend. i beg you to mind me graciously. life is too precious to count on hate and bitterness. i just want to get along and inspire to be as good as it gets ;)

stay sane,

j.amyemeelea

ps: i know i'm such the hijacker when all you need for me as a friend is to listen. i don't mean to relate every of your concern to my own experiences hence 'hijacking' your rants. at times, i pull other experiences from people close to us to prove a point but i digress. my point is i never intended to be such a bad person. i just need to liseng...liseng....liseng.

kepada anakanda puteri isabella, 

didalam waktu sunyi tatkala mama bersendirian

hati ini berbisik rindu dan doa tak putus

untuk srikandi cinta harapan sulung pujaan mama

teguh berdiri, tenang hati hendaknya srikandi

walau terpisah badan, malam keseorangan

pesan mama...pejam mata dan rebahlah 

hilangkan resah

selamat menjulung kemenangan srikandi cinta

mama doakan berjaya tiba waktu nanti. 

andaikata tidak kesampaian nyawa

untuk mama berbicara butir pesan

ingatlah, tidak putus air dicincang

mama sentiasa berharap bersangka baik

tinggal ya sayang..buat sementara.

rindu, 

mama terror 

PS: yeaps..its psle run for terror 1 :) 

in catty mood.

His Holiness Shitdouchebuggery-bagness says

Had lunch?                                          

I’m skipping lunch...Diet. Eating too much these days.

amie is moi says

that’s too bad

but yeah i'm trying to cut down too

His Holiness Shitdouchebuggery-bagness says

Need to look like a million buckaroos.

Lol

amie is moi says

saaap

wats the occasion?

wedding anniversary ke?

His Holiness Shitdouchebuggery-bagness says

No lah... it’s been 10 years.

Maintain beb... Haha

amie is moi says

orh maintain..i see

ya dun loose the hair

His Holiness Shitdouchebuggery-bagness says

Make myself still sellable.

amie is moi says

your last raya fotos showed a bit of shiny spots

okay 'balmy' hehehe

His Holiness Shitdouchebuggery-bagness says

Hair? Daughtry looks in the rage now. Lol

amie is moi says

not my type AT ALL.

His Holiness Shitdouchebuggery-bagness says

Haha...

Maybe not to impress u lar. Hahaha

Ok lah... Gtg work now. Hav a great day ahead.

amie is moi said (1:16 PM)

i'm not hinting but just highlighting

amie is moi said (1:17 PM)

ok tata

that! *points above* ladies and gentlemen is a slightly edited conversation i had today with an ex boyfriend. my first boyfriend in fact and here is evidence why i don't believe in good or bad baggage. it's because we all just have BAGGAGE. 

His Holiness D was my first love dare I say back when i should be studying instead of doing whatever else i was supposed to do that time. He is 3 years my senior which would make him still in his late thirties. it wasn't the most friendly break ups but we went on our seprate ways. He hooked up almost immediately with a model. Note I care naught to describe the type nor herself. She was simply someone who threw haughty looks and was wearing 'our' couple silver. Yeah, its just what couples do and still do i believe. Didn't she have the brains to think its all new? But i still cringed anyway. Oh, and they both called me fat once when we bumped into each other at the cinemas. 

Of course then i hated both of them vehemently. with all my being and refused to read letetrs or receive calls from the asshole but somehow after more than 20 years now we are still talking. On MSN of course. His wife would have his balls for breakfast (if she hasn't already) if she knew we were speaking. So anyway, above conversation, or rather ALL we speak of is the state of my Unholiness as compared to his awesomeness. 

When sometimes, i slash and ignore his remarks (otherwise ninjamode) on bright days like today I like to turn just a little bit catty. Honesty is the bestest policy right? :p 

stay sane, 
j@e

ps: i signed up for my 2B license yesterday!!!! 

Conversations with Mak~ test entry.

Olympic Cats! | Babble Pets:

'via Blog this'

i was talking to kama today and i told him i spoke to mak today. "mak" is kama's mum, whom reminds me so much of my own mama in her ways that i'm hopelessly charmed by her persona. she called today to clarify about my sms she received last july 30th on thursday at eightish that night. she was worried that there was something urgent and wrong about kama :p

i told her i don't remember much about last week but inquired her about how she is. we lost a cat last week and she was missing cloudy still. at least she doesn't cry so much now. she doesn't want to receive calls and still trying to find her appetite, but she's alright she cooed. i had to ask about getting a new kitty but she insisted that chou will be all that she wants to be with now. "no more kittys." mak said, "i don't want lar. its breaks my heart when they go." she still blames herself for being away when cloudy died and swore that cloudy was crying too when she forced him into his cage. i told her that cloudy knew it was best for her too. he probably didn't want to let her see him die and added that she has to believe he's in kitty heaven.

and then mak said, "you know amy, i still miss cloudy and every time i do my prayers, i'll recite the surah Qulhu~ for him. And chou will be patting my feet everytime i do it and now he keeps trailing me around the house. I shall wish he is happy." i just awwwwed my way as a form of reply, my heart was bursting but there you go, a nice ending from mak. who amazes with with her big warm kind heart for a naughty lil kitty named cloudy. who died in his sleep after suffering from liver problems and had only a kidney now shall rests. i shall remember our boxing matches at home cloudy!

mak apologises for calling me but she had to find out why i called and will save the sms to show me when we drop by this weekend. i told her it is okay and it will be very nice to see her and chou this weekend. i'll tell kama she's alright :)

i didn't ask if she wanted to visit cloudy and will reserve it for when we see her. in meantime i won't worry too much about mak because she's one spunky lady.

stay sane,
j@e

ps: damn blog this link didn't let me load up a cute photo of the late cloudy. shall remember to do it later.

catching up with friends....

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.- Oscar Wilde.

while i was making the most out of me time this week i received the occasional calls from friends just to talk. most were simple catch ups and filling in blanks but the start was the same, "am i evil if i...."

1) .... i told you i am falling in love with you bla bla bla...

my reply : yes you are evil because this means you're cheating your wife and thank you very much for telling me i look happy outside but who knows how lonely i am on the inside. that was your assumptions and you are a dick head so i forgive that slant. so take this as last warning because i WILL kick your balls the next time you imply again that it is MY FAULT you think with your dick.

2) ....i told my parents to go live somewhere else because of bla bla bla bla...

my reply : no because i totally understand the situation and this end was inevitable because it has been going on for years! and finally the chance present itself to nicely put to your parents that is is best for everyone if they move out. she owed it to herself and her family.

3) ....i wallow in self pity because i am in love with some who CANNOT love me back due to bla bla bla bla...

obvious reply : YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS you are evil because why beat yourself up when it takes two to tango and not one?

*blinks*

well, above post didn't turn out as i intended but sums up my blah weeks alone on me time. kama's back today and i am babysitting the little pirate tonight! hope to post some cute photos of us hehehehe

stay sane,
j@e

my sunday, stocking up and counting down

past weeks from the day kama left i made myself busy with work, entertaining kids and family. kama's family came by for a few days and although i was a bundle of nerves, good to note everything went on smoothly. the sole hiccup was lack of funds!!! thank goodness bobi pulled through when i asked for a loan and managed to stock up the fridge. my prayers were answered too when my petty cash reimbursement came just in time to take his mum out to arab street. 

today was ME DAY! i hibernated and moved my lazy ass out to get ciggs and also a spot of brunch. ran into the heritage festival and watched a snake charmer wow the afternoon crowd. too bad custard (my toshiba tablet) was left at home so i didn't get any photos. i even managed to write in emoley and got home feeling accomplished. a good me day it was. 

as i was surfing today i saw an ad for families to buy tickets for a 'break fast event' at a local restaurant on facebook. for 25 dollars per person you get to break your fast with local delicacies and then do prayers together. they invited a few well known astaziahs (teachers/preachers) to grace the event and i found it a tad weird. i just don't like the idea of making religion as a marketing tool but well, to each their own. from fashion to homewares, everything was islamicised? now even restaurants are getting on the bandwagon?? 

don't like but maybe it is just me. i'm sure the gang will be setting up a date for our annual ifhtar together and i need to decide how best to get in gear to fulfill my own ramadhan obligations. all the best to me and count down to kama's homecoming :) 

stay sane, 

j@e 

privacy.

so last  week i joined about 30 others on a company trip to bukit tinggi in malaysia for a two days and a night. as we all work at different sites, this was a good opportunity to mingle and network. i've always had fun on these occasions because it gave me the freedom to be observantly cheeky and vex my colleagues. we had to refrain from talking about work but the goal as always on company trips is to foster closer understanding and team work. so of course lar talk about work! it is common ground what.

we woke up at an ungodly hour (to reach meeting point by 615am) to meet in lavendar for the bus pick up. i picked che. mandela on the way so we could share the taxi fare and said hello to familiar and new faces. i was raring to go and ms. 4seasons texted me good morning as soon as she arrived. she was my bedroom buddy and we had much gossip to catch up with. 

we stopped for meals and did the usual introductions all around informally. those who knew each other stuck together which was normal but i was determined to add a few more names into my contact list. you can never know where you get posted to in our line and i've always been big on networking.  one can never know where your ship will dock so it will not hurt to make rounds in the free ports for a cop and feel. 

we arrived at colmar tropicale sometime after lunch and played the games before retiring to our rooms. ms. 4seasons and me have history and i was glad no one argued about rooms assigned. i was expecting for rooms to be swapped but it ended well. everyone settled in fine with their roomies, i tip my hat off to the the comittee who did a splendid job. we retired to our rooms for some rest before dinner and arrived late at 8.30 pm for dinner at the restaurant for our buffet dinner. we ate and celebrated birthdays, explored the hotel grounds and the night ended soon enough just before midnight. 

the guys wanted me to join them for drinks and pool but ms. 4seasons was afraid to be alone so we ended up talking in bed till our energies were spent. it was then, i asked about how she's been coping at work and the news that she might leave to further her studies. she's young (twenty-ish) and i think it is good that she's going back to school but soon i found out her decision to leave was more because she is unhappy with turn of things at the office. 

it turned out to be that her immediate boss; her manager had installed a camera in the office and she feels like she's being watched all the time. of course the daily recordings did not include the manager's comings and goings! the reason they did so was to protect their 'rights' just in case things get randy in the office. which is totally understandable because we are in the service industry and every other minute, all we do is to attend to 'feedback' and ensure that their requests (no matter how inane) be met. abuse from business partners (vendors really) and clients is to be expected obviously, and i could totally understand the need to protect our integrity from skirmishes. to the  extreme it can get physical but most of the time it is more verbal abuse than anything else. 

her conundrum was simple, wasn't it a volition of trust? and what about privacy? one can't pick one's nose without thinking that this was recorded. i truly felt for her and although i agree to the best of the intentions laid to put in the spy camera  in place, i could imagine her discomfort. ms. 4seasons asked the obvious after she poured out her heart woes to me in a simple question - would i stand for it? 

the answer was yes and no. 

yes, we do need to protect our employees from abuse and evidenced based proof is sure to win the day in our favour should anything outwardly were to happen but STILL! i believe after listening to her that having a camera recording all your movements is a tad too extreme. even in the civil service, the best that the management can do is to put up a BIG warning sign to 'warn' of being refused service if things came to by blows. come on lar....sticks and stones may break our bones but never words will never hurt me right? 

WRONG. 

the epitome of a good service staff (especially in the front line) is to be able to diffuse the intensity in times of conflict and be diplomatically assertive to remind your clients that we have a obligation to fulfill but their requests will be met with tactful grace and genuine concern. we are not slaves to be ordered around and sometimes their requests can border off to the insane. 

case example: 

can you please control the weather so that no leaves fly into my dinner? yes, i know we are flanked by a lot of green and my neighbours have a very nice balcony planted with bonsai from japan but i hate it when leaves get into my soup. can you please help me? 

see how absurd is that? or sometimes it can be:

i hate snakes and are afraid of them so can you please make sure that none comes into my flat while i barbecue on my open patio. note hat we stay on the first floor and across is a JUNGLE. i just hate snakes and i SAW one today. can you please ensure this be done? 

the result to replying to above is : we'll look into it and help you the best we can but please do give us sometime to think of a solution when the solution cannot be offered immediately. one can hope that the requester understand your limitations and walk away confident that you'll help them BUT noooOOooooo.....it all must be fulfilled at ONCE. 

ensue accusations of not being a good service staff. 

tsk. 

i told her to request to move to another site or yes, if that fails please do consider moving on. she told me that everyone else told her to take in the changes in stride because it is not easy to get a job now days and so what if there is a camera in your face recording your every movement. one must BEAR with slight well, inconveniences if it is meant to 'protect' you. ignore your feelings! must think of money first and foremost!!! 

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. 

i slept angry that night but at least ms.4 seasons now trust that she is not crazy or overtly demanding that her views on the silliness of it all does not stem from her own in-competencies as a front line staff. we are all emotional beings kapish? i WILL not stand being bullied into something i do not believe to be right. yes, i won't just quit but at least listen to my reasons right?

ms. 4seasons said, i was the first person to tell her to do something about it even to consider quitting! imagine that. she said she will think about it and will try to decide on the best course of things for HERSELF. there! why must we feel so helpless right? just because everyone else chooses one course inlife that doesn't mean you have to comply. 

well, morning soon came and off we went to finish off the trip before arriving safe back home to singapore. we were late for breakfast when we arrived at the restaurant at 845am because everyone else were already there by 7am! but it was a night well spent as i learnt that sometimes, the best intentions do not always come with the best laid out plans. execution and staff views was not something that they included into their considerations. 

so i'm going to call ms. 4seasons next week for an ice cream date and offer a listening ear. it is the best i can offer. in the meantime, RAMADHAN MUBARAK for all ;) 

stay sane, 

j@e 

ps: i have a new boss too and he is what i call a 'smiling tiger' so i completely empathise. if he did something like that to me i'd probably lobby for ALL staff to be monitored by cctv. 

the quiver in my lips betrayed me.

its mad lone bitching in the office now after the meeting last night. i'm stuck with the minutes to do and then the usual multitasking around the desk. it's good to know that its a holiday tomorrow and i can sneak in a few more precious minutes of sleep time. it is going to be another long weekend with the terrors and a nice surprise guest - kama's brother.

from the heavy inertia brought on by what else but procrastination, i've moved on to a long sense of listlessness. i'm guilty of reading too much (if there is such a  thing!) on my kindle. which is fine because kama's been up reading/working ever since internet connection flowed into our cosy crypt.  i watered the plants and generally made domesticity a soothing best friend.

mama's birthday just passed and i've reminded myself to send my prayers soon. why do we delay these feelings or urgency in a blink? i could never figure that out at all. of course more than updating my wishlist on amazon, i have been thinking about the birthday bulls this month. its terror 2 and 3's birthday, plus kama bull who nicely falls in between the terrors. i've bought the boy his nintendo in advance and the lil princess wants another greedy indulge. maybe i'd splurge on the watercolor set for kama later today.

but all that is just fluff in my head. today is dedicated to 'you'.

everyone called you mister. loh
the tone varies from remote respect to bossy irreverence 
i called you uncle loh
you can say i'm your next door asian kid who calls everyone 
with a few grey hairs and a slight stoop in their walk 
respectively - "Aunty - Uncle " 


i was happy when we could double team running errands
you drive with me in the seat beside you
they can't believe; hell!! you can't believe it 
i told you to drive and tell me kampung stories 
of days you worked at the shipyard and 
grew looking for kangkung by day, 
sometimes durians in upper thomson by night 


some days you brew a cup of instant ginseng tea for my migraines
while i work the shredder every end day clearing the office 
you'd help me with the trash
our eyes would meet and mutually agree that our colleagues 
were bitchy spoilt brats who won't even wash their own cup 
you bowed to everyone on sight
i liked to stop you and ask about home while i sip tea
we'd share the table in the pantry and talk 


today you dropped by to say hello! 
we ceased being colleagues for a bit more than we chew 
then you found me
i always felt guilty for not saying goodbye
my happiness that day was teary joy
i was always such an emotional sap 
so we promised to keep in touch 
never by telephone, not by mail
just in person while we each run our errands


before nodding off another goodbye 
i made you promise to see me again
don't say no when they ask you to deliver to mr. labbit here 
you made me laugh when you said you are afraid of what
my boyfriend will think 
not my bossess nor the people around me 
you know i care naught for those
how you made my lips quiver then uncle. loh 


i said 


you are like a father to me
nobody will dare, i faked a glare
and touched your shoulder
you smiled but i saw that few sniffs
my lips quivered and betrayed me 
please take care till next time uncle 
i walked away so that you can't see me cry 

best,
j@e

new toy!!!

registered and proudly named : le kinks or as nicknamed Ah Keen.

j@e at work trying to wave away work tediousness.

one can only plan..

che. markedi has gone for about two months now and since then we've been adjusting to a new boss. a lean snarling 62 year old tiger who snaps just because he can. the changes he made around was swift. he just had to say go and he'd expect things to just fly themselves into place. needless to say i hate his guts but at the same time admire his balls haha!

jokes aside, its been a tough few weeks. i'm pretty drained.

consider this as a list of things i've been up to lately:

1) drag my feet back home everyday afetr wrok feeling like hot steaming fresh shit.
2) entertained with those who matter :- movie, diner, drinks, 5-6 longish phonecalls, ciggreate breaks, playing host to weekend sleepover, weddings, saved kicked-out kids (which resulted to a scuffle between thier father in a police station), swam at the pool and yes many many msn chats with biks too.
3) saw a physical meltdown and doubted myself if i really had nursing abilities. poor kama had to deal with a chick on domesticity overdrive.
4) bought a kinldle! and won the office raffle becoming the proud owner of a toshiba regza at1s0 tablet!!!! \YEARGHHHH!/
5) battling with loading my vpn installer at the workdesk and tablet so that i can surf on amazon in peace! damn you U.S my ASS stupid capitalistic aims!
6) in despair over the measly 19 titles (it seems suspicious that it says 23 items on my kindle now) that i have on my kindle:-

• The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, 1859-1930
• Alice's Adventure In Wonderland, Lewis Carroll
• American Gods, Neil Gaiman [reading : so far so good first base in protagonist in prison] 
• Vikram and the Vampire; Classic Hindu Tales of Adventure, Magic, and Romance, Richard Francis Burton [read: sneaky cheeky stories ala 1001 tales] 
• An Ideal Husband, Oscar Wilde 
• Household Tales by Brothers Grimm, Jacob Grimm (1785-1863) and Wilhelm Grimm (1786-1859) 
• The Idiot, Fyodor Dostoyevsky 
• The Prince, Niccolo Machiavelli 
• The Illiad, Homer 
• A Scarlet Bride, Slyvia McDaniel [read: it was bad that i kept asking myself why the hell do i read thrashy novels like this]
• Whispers in the Sand, Barbara Erskine 
• Kindle User Guide, Amazon [read for about 5 times: i still haven't mastered the shortcuts]
• Welcome amyemeelea [read: IT"S TALKING TO ME!!]
• Oxford Dictionary of English 
• The New Oxford American Dictionary 
• Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children, Ransom Riggs [read: verdict is AWESOME. scenes are actual old photographs]
• My Clippings [reading: updating with cliff notes. i'm thinking of also clipping stuff from my amazaon online acct?]
• The Night Circus. Erin Morgenstern [read: magic circus love drama set in the early victorian times. stuck it to must buy for terrors]
• YOU ARE NOT SO SMART. - Why You Have Too Many Friends on Fcebook, Why Your Memeory Is Mostly Fiction, and 46 Other Ways You're Deluding Yourself., David McRaney [reading: while furiously nodding away and clipping notes to my clippings. ]

7) gained a wee little brother in getting to know mr. comando the intern at work. 

8) really in awe of the humourous and happy people on g+. they puctuate my work days with mirthful laughter and make it bearable (urgh!) 

9) working my ass off with biks at the gym and yoga mats, of which i've missed the last 3 classes and managed to lose 1kg in 2 months. heh. 

10) watched tons of cat videos, gifs, notes and every what have yous memes online. 

so simply tired and in need of a head to toe treatment of the only kind from the tomcat but i'd settle for an overnight stay with at least 6 hour long spa treat in batam! *le sigh* well respite is at least this weekend where its no work, no terrors and hello~~ bongonia. plan is to sleep, play with cats and seek a spot of sun. hopefully we can both will the strength (please weather be fair) to commit fully to doing nothing at all. 

bestest sane, 

j.amyemeelea 

work woes..

so che. markedi left due to depression last march and i have a new boss. obviously i didn't get a promotion let alone increment because i saw my last appraisal's score. it panned lowest among all my colleagues but still NO CHANGE in responsibilities.

^!*#!&)!*$@(%@*&%^)@(&^)@&%)@8578105

i'm trying to focus on the perks of the job which are (in no order) :-

1) people and service orientated. the percentage between the good and nasty is on a scale of 60 : 40. what can i say but that's my challenge smack there. you can't please everyone at the end of the day but every thank you and a smile makes my day.

2) the greenest surroundings ever in my professional life. i'm surrounded by green and quiet MOST of the time and nothing beats fresh air to industrial pollution. smoke break is looking out to birds fucking in the tree and squirrels playing tag on the grass grounds.

3) small and supportive team makes it easier to manage and heightens productivity. its a very family like atmosphere and the bitching we leave to the residents to do hehehe.

4) dress code in office is more relaxed. i can wear cargo pants and a shirt with boots or flats and no one would  bat an eyelid. woohooo!!!

okay but i'm not feeling better about today's run in with my new boss who i shall call. che. edtiger. his simple mistake was to pass me a set of documents that HQ requested to despatch over. HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! do i look like the despatch guy? i told him that he should just put in in the tray assigned for the despatch guy that comes in every Wednesday and Friday. he doesn't have to pass it to me. also, i'm tired of having to fend off people in HQ badgering me about there must be semblance of order now that he is on board. che. edtiger said THEY can speak to him about their unhappiness and the previous manager left a load of mess for him to deal with. to which he got my blunt reply - "its YOUR shit now so DEAL with it."

i then arranged for our guy to send over some urgent document and will include this in my errand call on his behalf. che. edtiger didn't blink and went back to do his work.

10 mins later he called me into his office to talk about 'admin stuff' to which i obliged and sat down in all seriousness his 'revelations'! i was prepared to jot it down because i already know he has the tendency to repeat himself.

yeaps, just as i expected - HE DID.

his 5 min meeting was how i should set up my filing, be more organised, follow up closely with feedback and last but not least punctual. all of which he has told me about FIVE TIMES already. my pose in reply was indifferent but in concurrence that its noted down. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! don't you think i know this is just a ploy for you to get your honour back? after i blasted you this morning about how you might even ask me to wipe you ask if i didn't lash out at you.

tsk!!!

from a month grace, my patience for mr. edtiger has shortened down to TWO WEEKS tops. after that, its no mercy - you walk as you talk and no bullshit about how the previous guy fucked up big time. he's long gone now hombre - you are the head honcho now.

stay sane *breathesintopaperbag*

j@e

ps: so i blew my top off because of something simple. suck.it.up. i'd remember to show you nicely how things are done by patting a seat next to my table and do a little demonstration of how things get done ehk?

its been a cathartic birthday.
i don't know what to make out of it.
slow was the start, the day hazy at best
that didn't stop me from seizing the day
ended up in the hot tub listening to Lars von Tier.

not too bad, 1 year to 35 and at 34
the past plays out tiresomely
of many episodes, telling broken hearts
nothing etched to out last evermore
i still slough on, at times the future foreboding

then in a moment creeps a sly smile,
an acknowledgement; a heed to past sacrifices
a toast to worth over many seasons of pain
i cry
relived...

wishes do come true, prayers answered
a heartbeat sings of an epiphany
i bow to accept this moment
of content, of much acceptance
in awe i submit to  love

pulse, at the edge of yet another birthday...
fear is conquerable, love ever lasting.

xxx,
emeelea
.

3 days to 34.

time seemed to have flown past and boy am i glad that i've always been the pilot. to a certain extent maybe because i'm much a rider, a floater and hanger-on than a pilot. i just like to THINK i am the pilot, it gives me a little peace of mind.

in 3 days time, terror 1 and me will again share a birthday. she's hitting 12 and i'd be 34. this 2012, we'd both be 1234 :D she wanted a masquerade party and i was happy to oblige but there is also a matter of logistics. my stint at the loft has come to an end but there will always be mama tina's to hold the party but...as it turns out (and always be for a bit  more) her papa green eyed-mongstar said no to parties.

the sadness has ebbed so much i'm dry. my hopes and wishes still high though;on a very selfish slant that is. i've got a solid, honest to goodness all to myself den to seek solace and refuge in this birthday. i've learnt that we outgrow our friends and that i could be called sentimental - to things and mostly people. i've never denied being emotional but i've always thought i had what you would term an elephant's memory. it fills the room with its austere white presence. always there to remind me of its whiteness and nothingness. well better a white elephant than white walls i say.

the end year was spent in the land of the shadows where we watched the fireworks but didn't fire off any. swam in chalky, cloudy water treated to rid of its biting clorine and watched the spider care for it eggs in the nearby shrubs. i kissed the blooming lotuses every morning and spoke to many familiar and friendly faces at jalan tirtodipuran. we held hands everywhere and spoke about everything, laughed at sheer spontaneity. the bad and the heaviness of the past slowly shed away and crept into the shadows. i've always liked jogja and will always have a soft spot for the place.

a white carnation, or is it? awaits me as i got back home to the swamps. with the sweetest note to remind me how much i am loved. karna is now chilling out at the departure lounge but he's travelling business class today so he won't be complaining hehe but his note hints of already coming home. as i always say: birthdays last for A MONTH so he's going to be back in time. i could see the terrors soon enough so i'd be chilling in the meantime.

first up...give thanks for the good humour i've received last year and ongoing  now. wish more blessings for the weird and eccelectic to surprise me like no other. happy 34th birthday jahatamyemeelea!!!

love,
me

Incredible India - en amore eternum

These palaces once belonged to the kings and rulers from all over india. They were  used  as holiday homes and  one can imagine how opulent it could have been then. I spied parrots too in the towers on the right. Now these place are used for a myriad of things from temples to hotels and cafes. 

boat ride along the ganges and i spied buffalos! no sight of body parts but we did catch the cremations at the Harichandra ghat. Of course permission was sought.

Kaligat temple In Kolkatta where we braved the crowd and Pooja Saturday to offer our blessings. It was a heart stopping moment as we literally bribed our way through a maze of people to the centre of the main hall to say hello to the Goddess herself. The high priests grabbed each one of us and spoke hindi much to our bewilderment. i was quite appalled when they put a price on the offerings but kept my motuh shut. no translation was given but we understood,. later when i asked karna about it his reply was that all the religions of the world are just that. awkward!!! Check out the angle its the same on in wikipedia hahaha. 

Kitty trails - a map he picked up in london to mark our journeys to India. The places circled are those he has covered these past 10 or more years doing research and he still hasn't covered ALL of India yet. My humble beginnings are marked in red. Not bad to cover almost 2,200km on a single trip. The blue bead are special because i got them from an industrious gypsy girl in delhi as a gift.  She couldn't be any older than 9. I had wanted to take a photo with her but i guess her smile shall stay in my memories for now. 

streets of  varanasi/benares in search for the boat. the streets were narrow and only accessible by foot. varanasi is also known as city of temples as many hindus, jains and also buddists come to do their pilgrimage here. while we were on the boat, they asked why had we come? we said the same thing to them which was to bathe in the ganges! however, only bits of 'us' did it and we took some water back for the temples. random fact: some kids asked to take a photgraph with me along the steps of the ghats, karna said to them i was goodluck? which was kinda unbelieveable *spotcheck if nippies were showing* 

I wished time could have stood still but the 2 weeks went passed like a dream. What started out to be plans for a backpacking journey turned out to be the sweetest ever surprise. Karna planned the whole Indian trip without much help from me save for suggestions on the things to do and see. We planned the trip early in the year and chose India because I've never been there and Karna had the most amazing adventures doing research and soul search which made him the best guide ever! So it was off to Kolkatta - Varanasi - Agra -Delhi on the bus, plane and not forgetting my plea for a train ride where I left not just footprints but my bits of my heart over the deccan dust, where it never settles. 

Kali Ma! Kali Ma! Kalimaaaa~! *in my head is that scene in India Jones* 

We arrived at Kolkatta airport in the late evening from Kuala Lumpur and I wasn't told of the hotel stays for the whole trip. Karna wanted to surprise me but at the airport he had to give it away when I left the hotel address blank. The customs officer raised an eyebrow when I told him it was 'The Grand'. I couldn't figure if that was a good or bad omen. Reality check - from where I stood I could already smell the loo and behind me was a nepalese looking boy about 4 years old in a spiderman suit :D how can you not LOVE Incredible India or okay...travel ;) It was the last day of Deepavali here and end of Kali pooja. We both agreed to check out the ghats along Hoogly River in the car ride to the hotel. Our driver kept on a lookout for 'beautiful buildings, made by the british - bild to LAST!' to point out to us but i was more interested in the cows on the road hehehe.  

The hotel was GRAND indeed because it was  The 'Grand Dame of Chowringhee' smack in the middle of the City of Joy. Reading the guide I was happy if we stayed in the mid-range hotels where hot water will be brought of in buckets. But Karna insisted for my introduction to India should start on a nice note. I think it was also the coincidence that this trip was also to mark our first year together *awwwwokbarf!* We could hear the cricket game between India and Pakistan while having dinner at the hotel. The rest of the trip was to walk the streets of all over Kolkatta on foot. The cahndi chowks, the Indian Museum  and then Victoria Memorial. Bless the boyfriend who convinced me on wearing practical shoes when I wanted to wear ballet flats instead. What I liked was the fact that here in India they had a very strong reading culture. There bookshops in every corner and on the streets too! Just like the ones I saw in Vietnam. For both of us bibliophiles, it was too much to bear. We could have just shopped for books and nothing else. Must check out the leather bound books to buy! 

Bad that my E71 has gone kaput for now but i managed to grab a few unfocused shots on my own which will be added later if its not cranky. From Kolkatta we went up to Varanasi to bathe in the ganges *notME!* via train. The hotel managed to booked us 2 first class sleeper seats tickets on the overnight coach to varanasi. I havene't been on an actual train for ages and now that tanjong pagar has closed down, it was now or never. I didn't expect it to be orient express of course and yeaps - loo stop for me was ONLY ONCE. We took the train twice and i didn't eat or drink much afraid that i'd have to go :p 

the canera was in good hands obviously :) 

 Next stop from Varanasi was Delhi by train again. Another overnight sleeper and karna had to squeeze in the same bunk because i was such a scaredy cat.  

View from our room at the oberoi amarvillas after midnight. this was taken on our LAST night in in Agra after he did the unthinkable! *oOoO* not telling YET. 

A teardrop in eternity - as once described by a poet of the Taj Mahal's beauty and rightly so as it stood solemn and still. The throng of people (an estimated of 25,000 everyday) walked around to bask in its majestic shadows, many local tourists and the ubiquitous travelers from all over the world come to Agra to visit the - "huge, giant graveyard." as karna simply put. My hopes to visit the Taj was of one mild ambition, which was to at least tick of one from the list of of the Wonders of the World. SO YEAY! i was given more than i could chew for now to keep me content and be on a high at least for a few months *hicc* 

somethings in life can't be rushed. 

 last leg of the trip was back to delhi to fly back to kuala lumpur and say hi to aunty in ampang. load of goodies as well as to rest up for the last bus ride back to singlalaland. what was initially thought to be a trip on a road less traveled with a backpack turned out to be the most meaningful journey with another fellow backpacker. who taught me to trust again in the good even though they come in tough little packages with unraveled, knotted ends. Odd is the easy camaraderie of best friends that sometimes just explode into tenacious *ahems* energy. i fell in love with India and needless to say in India yet again. to many more bursting into a million stars! to karna who made it all possible - the taste of tears is salty but with it i hope the sweetness of my whispered 'yes' lent it sweetness. Bitter was none except when i realise eternal love is only possible when you're as rich and a megalomanic like Shah Jahan :p even then..could enigmatic love ever be a logic problem dear sexy professor?

stay sane,
j.amyemeelea

Emmeleia – The theatricality of greek tragedy.

Ayong introduced me to Dead Can Dance over facebook and the CD is on my bucket list of things to buy. This is in addition to the bath bombs from LUSH, new underwear and books for the terrors. In retrospect, I have also cleaned up my room at the loft and separated my lists to be clearer. I’m still hounded by the thoughts of having filling up ONE lack trash bag of my life; all thanks to biks of course.

The terrors got much of my old stuff but not too many books back to their place and the ladies at work are wearing my old clothes. I’d rather give away as opposed to selling away my past baggage anyway.

So while we were cleaning up and packing my past away, I had the time to share with the terrors some clips from youtube of Dead Can Dance and i chanced upon a song titled ‘Emmeleia’. The terrors didn’t really like it and biks said it made her sleepy . I listened to it on loop over rainy days in the office and i of course I really liked it.

Lisa Gerrad sings in tongue or idioglossia – she developed this since age of 12 and they mean nothing but sound like a language spoken. It is really the babble of the unknown in you and i really like it. Another round of googling *ahemsresearchahems* brought me to books and how the song was inspired. What was interesting was that I found the origins of the word Emmeliea to describe a sacred dance in ancient greek. In the book Graham Ley of the above title, its characterised by the term as “the tragic dance”, in contrast to the two other dance performed satirically – sikinis or comically – kordax.

Needless to say I’m fascinated!

So in goes the hunt for the book and the MUST to get the CD. The room is less cluttered now and somehow I feel lighter. Although I still need to figure out a comfortable sleeping arrangement for all of us because it is now the girls on the top bunk and the fat boy at the bottom. Mind you, its two single beds *urgh* and i end up achingly cranky after every weekend with the terrors. The satisfaction of time well spent with them is felt surely but at a sore price. It shall be better of course if I could just damn well save enough to buy my own place *tskkk*

I bet i'd be unconsciously humming this all over India teehehehehehe.

stay sane,

J.amyemeelea

Ireplacerble I remember the very fisrt day you were right beside me laughing, you smiled at me you showed me the way you are so inspiering and selfless you taught me right from wrong Life is full of test I have to be strong so I thank you, so i thank you.

 It's 13th of January a very special day for you and me us to rememberr You taught me life is good I should I should be grateful as often as I could so i thank you, so I thank you

It's September almost a year has gone by the knowledge I gain from you is priceless you taught me not to lie I should be truthful as often as I could so I thank you, so I thank you

 A day without you is undisireble, a week without you its just unthinkerble, A week without you I can go mentel And a year without youI can get...stroke! With todays tegnolergy nothing seems impossible but no one can deny, that you are irreplacerble that you are irreplacerble...padappa

written by Emira Natasha Bte Hazlan 10th September 2011 with lots of love to Mama
................................................................................................................................................................

AND OF COURSE I TEARED! even after the warnings heh. i tried to hide it by just rubbing my eyes and blamed the light in the room but they caught me still. they told me its not entirely an original but borrowed the song from school and rewrote the lyrics for me. i complain a lot about how they push me away and harp them about non calls and what not so they decided the best to placate mama terror was TAH DAH! **cue the terrors beaming with monkey grins saying 'are you happy now?! why you crying!! *poke poke*

they didn't want to record the song and dance but i convinced them i could at least get a sound recording of their singing. a bit later i got them to sing and do their thing (shy terrrors really) and video it with kak tina's phone. so YES! a proud mama albeit very teary and touched with the effort. nifty doesn't record :p so its emoley to the rescue where i got a signed copy from all 3.

stay sane,
j.amyemeelea

ps: terror 3 asked if she can use emoticons instead when she can't spell :p hahahahahhahaha