lampu lap lip...

my bro called just in time and i was whisked away in his new car. next destination is to break our fast with his in laws. as a nice gesture to include me in their plans, the dad asked if i knew of places to suggest so i suggested mak's place at near jalan masjid. it was weird but i tried not to feel out of place. i just wanted everyone to be happy and i have always wanted to feel what bobby felt when he speaks nothing but fantastic things about his family. it was part validation for me and a chance to peek into his world in hopes to find keys to his happiness that i could replicate.

and he has a wonderful family. his father in law gives him directions. his mom in law is adamant that he's the handsomest guy on earth *hehehe* and his bro in law dotes on him and knows all his favourites. the guy bought him a belt with a thundercats buckle for god's sake! :) he has a loving caring wifey who shares all his concerns and ends up buying him a car so that he doesn't have to face the dangers of being on the road on a bike. and he can't do any wrong being around kids as testified by mine truly.

so i am happy he is very happy with his family. doing all the things we missed in the past having a set of parents to dote on and be doted on. being wanted and loved and respected all in one. when before maybe its just assumptions and guessing games, now being able to be privy and feel what it is like to be part of his family, i am grateful my bro ended up with all of the above and wish him all the luck and sucess of the good that has come his way. must remind to keep my mouth shut though as i don't want your mum in law to puke right after we finish dinner and go with the flow. best is to refrain from making such suggestions as i do not know them well yet still thank both of you for making the space to squeeze me in. who doesn't want to be such happy campers :D

well, that is out of my head. now i'm watching another repeat of singapore idols finals. i forgot how i really liked some of the contestants this year and seeing ms emily the getai singer made me shout out loud! *haha!* rahimah the rock chick still has her halo of intensity warpped about her. and yeah..my bibir sek jon leong did not win but my guess is that he'd do pretty good after the show. what do i think about hady winning? he deserves it nuff said but i still can't place him in a genre of with a cretain style. or maybe that's why he won! fresh, kewt *cutelar* and versatile could maybe be his trademark or his X factor. so all the best anak melayooOoooo, make singapore proud babe and can you please quit popping up in my dreams? its getting a lil bit creepy up there *muahahah*

my gawd!!! its rahimah rahim senior dah!!! otey...gua tahu gua lambat banyak tapak ah for not catching the show much earlier :P so over and out till i blog again.

stay sane and rock on,
amyemeelea

keinginan...

kau seorang lelaki berjiwa baqa yang mampu mengalirkan airmata untuk ingatan. kau idola pujaan kerana seorang lelaki yang sedia menerima segala teguran. kau aku puja kujunjung setinggi langit kerana kau lelaki yang memberi madu, setelah menerima racun. kau biar kubelai hilang amarah selalu kerana kau lelaki tenang dan lapang dada. kau tak putus aku kucup manja kerana kau seorang lelaki yang baik sangka. kau akan terus tersemat dalam sanubari sebagai bidadara kerana kau lelaki yang tak pernah putus asa........

segalanya menjadi satu lembar keinginan menyatu jati di ruang tabir hidupku......

aku akan kehilangan kau tapi aku ingin menjadi seorang perempuan yang tahan menerima sebuah kehilangan. aku akan rasa sangat papa dan tandus tanpa kau tapi aku ingin jadi perempuan yang tidak takut pada kemiskinan. aku akan jering perih memulas kesakitan tanpa kau tapi aku ingin jadi seorang perempuan yang tabah menangung kerinduan setelah ditinggalkan. aku merasa terdampar hampa kerana tiada tempat mengadu tapi aku ingin jadi seorang perempuan yang tidak meminta-minta agar di penuhi segala keinginan.......

as it always happens, the inspiration came amidst the chatter and stories of love and friendship among a bunch of very *anggukangguk* nice and chummy people i met today for powwster's surprise *whichwasnotreallyonehehe* burstday party.
there was mar and hubby, poww and prince harry, sham and the boys and last but not least neneng!!! :) pokok kata there was love all around. stories about frustation hubby didn't want to hear about work vents *lol* a pledge from a sweet child who didn't want to marry to take care of mama dearest :) the lost stories of yesteryear about trips to the clinic :D quiet yearnings of lost time whispered hushes of apologies and tiny vibrations of divine inspiration keeping itself underwraps just so that it will soon birth nothing short of miracles! *phew*

all in all...my heart goes to my collective muses for tonight. till we meet again again and again.....

stay sane,
amyemeelea

fear...

have you ever ran the race of your life and came out at best top 3; when you stand at the finish line only to be told that you didn't't win the medal because you didn't register to participate in the race in the first place? then they add the clause, immediate disqualification for not wanting to register in the first place because the rules were that you must have had a sex operation to be eligible to participate. another clause below also needed you to be 3 legged or something like that :p

so my guess is that stuff like that happens in muay thai boxing and in thailand. where dreams do come true and you get to do your sex change operation because you won the money in the local muay thai boxing championship. of course you couldn't tell the organizers why you wanted to win so bad and yes, you had hell to pay. no make up, no nail polish, no lipstick!!! *LOLOL* BUT later you get to tell the whole world about how you came to be the woman you are and the hardest thing you had to do was to break your opponent's nose *andprefablyotherbodyparts* when all you can think of was HOW NOT TO because it so happens that your opponent is this chiselled faced man with a tight butt.

i laughed when i read the news but cried when i saw the movie.

have you ever feared for your life for somethings you need to come to a decision to? but you set aside the fear and get to a decision. then just when you thought you had it all planned out and kaboom! it hit you that making generalised pledges and promises does naught. and i just made this or so recent discovery when i was told i haven't been planning my life as i should. intentions are just not considered as good plans. so what good is promising to love another forever?! how do you plan to do it? your intention is good but i need details. how? when? define forever and love in the context of what you have just promised me *gagforcevomit* and when asked to go into details i usually try my very best to SEXPLAIN hence always putting both feet into mouth. worst case scenarios, feet into other orfices *hehehe*

but!!! the night is still not lost to my ramblings and hope you guys will make full use of the nights after :)

stay sane,
amyemeelea

Ramadhan...

i'm off to see the kids later and will be cracking my brains about how to entertain the 3 terrors without tiring myself out. terror 1 will be joining us the adults in training for ramadhan and i hope she will be able to take it. then, next week production will start and i'll be busy in the office. nights will be spent hopefully with terawih sessions and also finishing up my assigment due for 3rd of october. i just hope i won't miss anygoals or datelines. so far so good and i'm slowly picking up pace and space. will be on standby 24hours by the looks of it as i just want the delivery schedule to run smooth.

met up with faizal and imran last friday and as usual the guys crack me up. so good to see both doing so well and i can't wait for them to pass me the copy of the kl trip we took last year. haha! and that i know would be fun. imran bought a new honda *thebasket* and again had me think about his offer to work in his company. well, i hope i can see and make best out of the opporturnities given :p heavy duty convos man! but haven't had the time to really sit down to blog about it. there's more cos before that met up with zuq mermaid and had a blast watching jatt ali perform live! and i hope you'll get better babe ;) so before terror 1 starts calling me nons top i better make a run for it!

need to go now and will update soon and oh! selamat menjalankan ibadah pusasa sumer :)

stay sane,
amyemeelea

Loading freeloaders….

Tired, lonely nights bite into my body warmth and leave sharp icicles of needy wants embedded tight under my skin, they of which prick me black and blue. Although this makes me rub my hands in purposeful glee, so here I am updating my blog :P

Its been drizzling all day and I left the house in mid afternoon to see a friend who was willing to give me a job. Yes! A job! Albeit it would be, one that has no benefits whatsoever and pays only per project basis. The best jobs I have had in the past have always been recommendations from friends and ex colleagues who have an inkling of what I am worth so I have always expected them to be fair. So far, my experiences working in such given situations and arrangements have been great. Yes, the pay is not much. The stability incongruent only because these are usually family owned or self started businesses. I am not one who demands much, only enough to cover my overhead, pay the bills and usually never in full. The end bits here and there are for treats, usually reserved for my kids. I have not been shopping, eating out, watch movies or even had the budget to offer friends who I really care about a good time. So why I am seriously considering the offer then right? I actually already said yes because the way I see it, I’d rather be doing something new for minimum wage, also learn new skills and make new meaningful relationships in the process than earning more per hour working as a factory worker.

Someone told me I should just stamp the letters FOC in bold across my forehead. I laugh it off, of course as usual. Labels mean nothing to me and I’m in the midst of starting a personal collection anyway :p bobby chided me once that I should stop being a freeloader and that he has friends just like me, who tend to keep asking things for free or won’t do anything for free. The difference is that *ahems* with me is probably and usually because I’m NOT shy about saying yes to things given away FOR free or for a reasonable fee. Or maybe the repayment terms are right *usuallylong* and I won’t hesitate to say yes if I feel and know that I’d be good for repayment pronto in one way or another. one good turn deserves another! share and share alike! You scratch my back and I will gladly scratch yours! I could tell a good joke, bore you to tears, walk from outram mrt to city hall! You name it and I will do it for you if I you think I am worth the moolah and the time.

Therefore, the part that I am not going to be able to give as much as I want to give monetarily to the some of the most important people in my life made me think even harder. the guilt persists and the thought, if whether my selfish reasons for working on minimum wage is a good choice is bugging the hell out of me right now. This is because I’ve been on the receiving end for so long and it hurts to know that I’m not going to be able to give back in due time. Arghh! The agony…..

stay sane,
amyemeelea

ps: kalau ada apa-apa yang free, takmo malu tepon gua jer. freetime pong free jugak!

some things are not meant to be...

the week passed and as usual, the troughs of ups and downs this week bordered on both extremes. i think i am getting the hang of it. trying to let go the euphoria and fear that comes tagging along with every wave was fairly easy. i just had to make sure i rode firmly and easy and not get overboard. i went to more interviews and sucess came very close. so wish me luck again today :)

i met up with family over the weekend and that cheered me up tremendously. i was initially afraid that i'd be too happy since it was a sombre affair. bobby said i shouldn't feel that way since my family knows me very well and won't hold it up against me. my cousin just lost his wife to cancer but i'm glad to say he's one tough guy. we are one strong, very tight bunch so promises were made to meet up often. i also had lunches with my friends and caught up with thier busy lives. listened patiently to ex colleagues rant about work and patiently sieved through the nitty gritties of my daily life with as much patience i can muster in a single breath. all perfectionists are huge procastinators hehe so we put off to do the work needed just because we are afraid doing a lousy job on it :P *adejerreason*

i couldn't meet up with poww cos there was a slight change in plans but i'm really looking forward to see her when she gets back from new york *waves* wish i could have made it still but duty calls ;) just spoke to sham over the phone about the importance of having good self esteem. i know its hard to keep up when we fell so drabby and so unglam from taking up the responsibilties and thinking about the sacrifices we have made. but!! we have to remind ourselves that love does not judge. its more helpful to bring the insecurities into pure natural light and love all the flaws you see. neon flourescent light is never flattering ah! so jangan tka jadik ah kita nyer next date!!! *woooohooo!*

am i an extrovert or introvert?? that was the question that was posed to me over lunch the other day. i think i am an extrovert but i enjoy my bouts of solitude extremely which makes me an introvert? well, that was the opinion of ms noorticataitai anyway :P so ho hum...la di daaa..

stay sane,
amyemeelea

This is before I go…

Finally the call came for me to pick up my cheque!! But immediately after I plagued by daymares. The thought of trying to do everything at once and the thought of having to think of where the next pay cheque comes. Everytime I see someone, the first thing they ask is whether I have gotten a job *sheesh* and then I stutter before affirming their heartfelt, practical question. I went back to sleep in hopes that I could really enjoy the feeling of lying in bed and drowning whatever sleepiness from before. I wanted to just drown in the smells of my bed. I just wanted to block the incessant cries of get up and do something…I just wanted to enjoy being in bed.

I know I won’t be able to do this when I finally start work. It is something that I really look forward too. it is something that I hope will drown the howling cries of responsibilities I need to fulfill. As my being is being pulled in different directions I try to focus on only one. Which is to fill my self with gratitude. No matter how small no matter how big it might shine at me, I wouldn’t give anything up to truly be in the NOW. full stop. end guilt *muehehehe*

So, off I go to collect and my dues and run some errands. In hopes that the wind blows at me gently to bring me close to all that I hold dear. Every step I take will be in prayer that I will be able to experience life as it is. no more no less. I wonder what today brings! But I know that whatever comes I’ll be ready, no more stuttering, no more sheepish smiles, no more blushing cheeks and no more halted steps!

Onward walk, march then to run. To grab the moment as it comes.

"I think the reason we don't organise society in that way can be summed up in the aphorism, 'idle hands are the devil's tool'. In other words, institutions fear idle populations because an Idler is a thinker and thinkers are not welcome addition to most social situations. Thinkers become malcontents, that's almost a substitute word for idle, 'malcontent'. Essentially we are all kept very busy...under no circumstances are you to quietly inspect the contents of your own mind. Freud called introspection 'morbid' - unhealthy, introverted, anti-social, possibley neurotic, potentially pathological." - Terence Mckenna

Yahoo! Yeabedabedooo!!! The rain has stopped and away the fleeting memories of my daymares :) floating away above the winds, that still reminds me! Gua bau busyuk ah…belum mandi hehehehehehe……yea yea…anak dara femalas! Matahari da naik dinihari baru nak bangun :p *oops* otey so I’m not the anak dara ah! >)

Stay sane,
amyemeelea

Much ado about many things…

Like I take the time to title every blog entry or take 2mins tops to think of a title and go go go!! so forgive me if at times u feel cheated when the title and content don't quite sit very well.

Another well spent weekend I must say, but too bad no pictures were taken because I didn’t put top priority to buying baterries for the camera. The reserves where needed elsewhere ;) so! It was a fun weekend for the 3 terrors, they made new friends and as expected, they were spotted to be super active. just look at the pic (courtesy of powwsters!) not one of the 3 terrors looked at the camera ler. and needless to say, running around trying to entertain 4 boys and 4 girls all below 12 years was one cool trip. i got the help of powwsters and the che sham and all was well until after the short break and terror 1 complained we didn't get to finish touring the centre. Terror 2 and 3 kinda spoiled the plan after getting thoroughly wet!! Will get the other 2 ala makciks*hehehe* to pass some more of the fotos they took. We went from one exhibit to another and zipped all around in and out of the science centre to explore the over 6000 or was it 600 exhibits? We saw a live iguana or some huge lizard (it was confiscated from some home) in the ecogarden and I wondered why it wasn’t sent to the zoo if it was an endangered species or something. And I didn’t know the tortoise we found the other day was an endangered species too! I convinced kak guy to let it go when they complained it was a smelly thing and kak tina thought it brought bad luck to the household. Skalik it was an ‘indian star’ tortoise dar…*tsk* knew there was something special with that one. But I guess, it wasn’t meant to be part of the household when it could have brought us trouble with the law. Can you imagine telling them we ‘accidentally’ found the tortoise! Sure tak percaya one. After a very tiring day, the kids slept like logs till 11am the next day :) but i'm glad they really enjoyed the outing. much heartfelt thanks to the 2 ala makciks and family that made it happen! and on Sunday we went swimming! We made another set of friends that day too and my short swimming lesson teaching terror no. 1 got curious stares from other parents. I told her that if she wants me to teach then she won’t be able to play-play and she has to think of me as her coach rather than mum. She spotted the difference and actually surprised me when she managed to actually listen and duly comply to my instructions. Then as a reward we all went to the baby pool to play catch. Terror 2 and 3 were not at all intrested to be bossed around so they stayed away, until after we all got to chill at the baby pool and happily splashed around. One parent asked if I taught swimming lessons to kids and funny I actually did think of it this week *hohum*

A call to ask if my cheque was ready for collection proved to be a bummer. I asked someone out on a date today that I thought would be pretty cool. There’s this free screening of short local films at the substation on every 1st Tuesday of every month!! Then later we could go lepak and talk about the films and who knows learn something more about him. Pendek kata! *shortsay*I think I scared him off for being to arty farty tak? I have no idea siak! So instead, will go to jaybee with the fab che shasha and hubby at 9pm :p and the search for my purusha will go on!

stay sane,
amyemeelea

obat oh obat...

Hands up how many of you are still boggled by fact that reason why singapore needs to import foreign talent is to make up for the shortage of babies in singapore? Well…today is the errmmm 3rd day that I am officially jobless. So I had time to kinda race through the blogospehre for some comments on the most recent National Day Rally Speech. I missed out on the celebrations because I was unusually distracted *lameexcuse* current clique can’t be bothered to pick through the lines with me so thank god for the internet! *clapclapclapsukasorang* So anyway, this is another worrying trend that so telling of our singaporeaness *iftherissuchathing* which is to correlate a to b when they have no CORRELATION whatsoever!!!! This reminds me to please remind myself to pay more attention to social psychology classes in time to come.

It is raining and my plans to go out cycling today had to be cancelled. The best thing is, bobby just asked me out for dinner! Cos shikino the wifey has this bollywood themed school graduation thingy at the Traders Hotel to attend. I’m just happy because its been ages since we last went out just the two of us. I’m just a sappy sentimental okay, no have nothing against my sis in law!!! Swear!! *eheeheehe* the crick in my neck is almost gone *yeahooo!* and all thanks to powwsters who called me immediately after my last post for some good ole loving medicine. She forced me out of the house when all I wanted to do; was to do my clearence at Crown so that they will prepare my cheque quick! And then back home to mope and sleep off the pain in my neck. In the end, I didn’t do my clearence on that day but spent the whole day yapping and shopping and overdosed on salmon. The fever broke midway when we were at bugis and the crick in my neck non existant while we chomped away happily at ikoi restaurant. Having the super busy che nyce around was a bonus!!! She was supposed to be late because she had this super important meeting with the ceo of hpl resorts or something but in the end we were the ones late for dinner hehe…sowi nyce, traffic was really a killer. After dinner we went to look for a book that nyce had to have for work. Congrats on the promotion! Saaaap!!! Member da jadik project manager, bley mintak belanja lebeih *hikhikhik* and the best of the best of the best thing that could have happened that day, was I fell in love with a pair of shoes and powwsters ended up buying the two pairs for me! *sobsob* I better stop the drama before she takes the two pairs and throw it at my face :P I would have put pics of the shoes but the batteries on the camera just went dead *dehem!* The day ended with a trip to shams place to lepak before we both shared a cab home. She has 3! Very adorable boys and a very cosy place but powwsters kinda tripped me abit went while we were in the cab, on the way to telok blangah, the only way she could direct the taxi driver was to describe it as "alrr…you know the place where that girl was killed, whats her name? Neh nak? Mah nak?" I went like?! “oinks! Buat seram jer lah…da lar melam buter nie” hehehehe…so in the end we did find her place but we couldn’t hang to long because powwsters had an early morning and I had a curfew! I think sham would kill me if I put up her pic here though but yes! It was a super duper day!

I finally did my clearence the next day and then went to have dinner with *ahems* over at our fave yong tau foo place. And to him I would like to say, “Accept whatever comes to you woven in the patterns of your destiny, for what could more aptly fit your needs?” and that’s me pretending to be Marcus Aurelius :P besok besok besok! I will try my best NOT to sms india at 90 cents per sms and pleaseeeeeeeeee!!! let me be the one to ACE that job interview and get the job on the spot to boot! >P

Stay sane,
amyemeelea

crick in my neck...

i am suffering the worst crick in my neck evar! and i only have myself to blame. the long awaited email tak sampai but i guess that just means somethings are not meant to be. my sweet bro just called to remind me of the week ahead and very nice enough to tell me about a job opening in town. but how am i going to get out of the house when my neck hurts sooooooo bad! i'm so grouchy you won't believe.

so later i need to drop by kak tina's to pick up my badge then i need to do my clearence at crown so that i can get my pay. hopefully in time to pay for my bills. i think its best i get off my butt to do something and work up a sweat because i lied down for two whole days but its not getting better. i never believed in painkillers but i think i'm going to down a few panadols to help me today. my neck feels like its so sore! how to go for interviews sey :(

i can't even carry the weight of my head *dehem* so if i'm down and out please forgive me. i'm that bad when i'm sick.

apologies to nis for missing womad. i promise to make it to the next party :) and to powwsters, hope the celebration went great! now i feel like puking my guts out...

stay sane,
amyemeelea

best!!!

bobby was nice enough to lend me his bike he got for his birthday this year and i had really wanted to find something sporty to do hence it was cycling!!! knowing how rough i could be, he risked lending me his bike and even woke me up early on sunday. or! maybe he just didn't want me to tag along to his weekend sports sunday with his friends *hehe* but really that is how very supportive my bro is :) i had asked tash along but she forgot it was her maid's weekend off so after a lazy sunday morning sleeping in slightly late i set off to cycle all the way to Singapore Sports School and back...alone.

it's been probably years since i have been on a bicycle and i didn't really trust myself and was quite afraid but the need was a tad too strong, so cycle i did! it was great! tough the first few minutes because i had to figure the gears and find my own rythm and when i did it was exhilarating. i plugged in to class 95 and found myself singing and enjoying the hot sun. i didn't notice that the tyres were bit flat till after i reached the school and headed back to find the 'petrol place behind admiralty mrt' to pump the tyres and *hehe* but mana ada petrol station dar! turns out it was small bicyle shop bobby told me hunt for. so i put on my i-know-how-to-do-this stance and pumped away till i realised that the back tyres just wouldn't inflate. panicked for abit and called my bro and said , "eh! i busted your the rear tyre ah! how much to change ah?" to which he replied, "do you know how to pump or not?!" *siaked* " of course ah! kau ingat aku bodo ker?" :P so in the end i just got the guy to change it and paid 6 bucks for it. the ride back was even better! so i continued and rode further up till i felt really sweaty and rode back.

my legs cramped a bit but it was worth it ah :D and i swore i would make it a more regular thing. for the weekends when the 3 terrors are not with me at least. hopefully it could help me keep off the smokes but i wouldn't really bet on it *muahahah* i chilled under the block and rewarded myself with a cold drink afterwards and felt really happy because i did it!! *proudofmeself* the bike is still in the hallway and i can't wait to go again. will ask bobby to teach me to stash it away properly so that i don't have to bother him next time round.

i also went for a movie. two in fact last week and saw pirates of the carribean at the new cathay and it was good. earlier saw hard candy but it gave me a headache. very intense arr that movie but it was nice. have much reading to do and am looking forward to see kids tomorrow. work slides in easy at least these past few days, counting down to my last day and having many thoughts about what to do next. am really glad that i don't have to put up with the constipated enviroment :P still...i do hope i can find something part time to tide over the overhead. mummy dearest called to set a date and bring me out makan and celebrate my last day!! and nyce called just now to date me out for womad next weekend!!! *woohoo!!* i hope to meet up with sham and powwsters soon and well....till the next cross in the road ;)

stay sane and have a great weekend ahead! *breathless*
amyemeelea

A-muse...bukan a moose

dan tidak jugak a mouse!

i didn't want to leave this under comments where it might just go unnoticed so......i present to you!!!!

lembar malam *jengjengjeng*

Dalam setiap kata yang kau ucap
Bila malam telah datang
Terkadang ingin ku tulis semua perasaan

Kata orang rindu itu indah
Namun bagiku ini menyiksa
Sejenak ku fikirkan untuk ku benci saja dirimu
Namun sulit ku membenci

Pejamkan mata bila kuingin bernafas lega
Dalam anganku aku berada disatu persimpangan jalan yang sulit kupilih

Ku peluk semua indah hidupku
Hikmah yang ku rasa sangat tulus
Ada dan tiada cinta bagiku tak mengapa namun ada yang hilang separuh diriku

to the author *ahems* there will always be moments like this to savour, especially when one is to become so absorbed in thought. and, it only escalates when it tosses and turns something over and over in the mind meditatively and often inconclusively.

i heart you,
amyemeelea

another night..

a kong san is staying wif me tonight. and we just got back from jaybee. sumbat 3 kotak siot!!!! *heppigiler* then got to mamam mee hailam and again i didn't bring camera with me so didn't get to take pics. i need to get the camera bug to bite me so i'd be a camera whore! we didn't notice this dead rat beside us till after badok time and we had to call the ambulance *reddustpan* to bring the dead body to the mortuary. shasha was afraid that some passerby would like step on it and its insides would spray unto me *bleargh* but thank god nothing of the sort happened :P found out a kong san is scared of cats! aper sey...tucing tak berdosa.

anyway, a kong san da pengsan on the bed and i'm hoping that i'd be given another chance to wakey wakey during the early morning showers *hopes* later.

stay sane,
amyemeelea

finally did it..

i made myself happy and many others very very unhappy with my choices. i self preserved my own interests at the expense of the tons of advice those closest to me. so many bridges i burned but the ones linked with my own sweat and blood are the hardest to burn.

i just had another blow up with the golden boy. and its these that i hate most. i know he has only my interests at heart, it just shows he cares. they wake me up every morning to make sure i'm not late for work. give me the support when i ask for. be it standing up for me. putting a good word for me. lying for me hehe. making sure there's food. entertainment. someone to talk to. my bro is all that for me and more. i used to write for him. he still asks me for advice about gift ideas. we still have our private jokes. but ever since moving in, it has been nothing but squabbles after squabbles. something is not right and it was said outright it was the choices i made for myself. i never took his advice when it mattered and he's hurt :(

i can't take back anything that i did or said bobby. i can't keep on lying to myself anymore than i can lie to anybody about how i really feel. i know i can't expect everyone to agree or to understand or to ACCEPT the choices i make. but i do. thats me. if you wonder why i dig my own grave and you wonder how the hell we came from the same womb then don't! just don't! don't wonder and live! tonight is not going to be any different from any other just because we had this fight. in fact i welcome it. in hopes that we could learn where the mistakes are and how i could learn to show you more.

i didn't know i hurt you, and i may have taken you for granted. we have only each other and you'll be the only one i'll let to give me away *again* :P kalau dulu kita gado pasal tengok wrestling nie kita gado pasal kakak degil. tapi kita gao-gado pon pasal adek beradek kan kan kan? tiga hari tak bebual dosa tau! *hugs*

wish me well...cos that's all i need for you to do.

stay sane,
kakak

Dear John....

"I can hear you snore so softly and how each of your breath closes around my heart.
The softness of sleep about your face while you sleep tugs at the very sleeves of my everyday thoughts.As the night fades on to bring light I stare at awe the peace that surrounds the lines about your face.And I thank Him for the love you bring everytime your lids flutter to greet me with a small smile, soft in my hopes of drunken thankfulness.

Another day closes by and the wakefulness of yesterday escapes me. I wish for tonight to bring my hopes and my dreams close to me. Through beautiful moving pictures that only say I miss you, I want to held closely dear to you. Still I know the distance between us makes it yet far more unattainable. As the line goes, absence makes the heart grow fonder yet your scent never leaves. Heart wrenching silence fills the void as I mutter your name with each breath. The sweetness of longing calls you closer to me. I feel nothing but pain, and suffer must we swallow, its bitterness a wealthful of experience; will teach me and you humility and sincerity. All at once, memories of the weight of each touch melts away these walls of anger and lies to give way to the unbearable sweetness of treasured value of which you mean to me.

Even if, we will have to go over days of unbearable solitude, even till the long stretches of the night fades and the harshness of light brings trickle of sweat at our brows, I will always still hear you beating softly in my heart of hearts. It will go on as this long search of our purusha brings us to the end of eternity. I promise as light peeks over the end, you’ll see me with my heart wide open. At ready to welcome you as we renew our promises of just yesterday to be and just be always as One."


jeng jeng jeng...suspen bukan suspender :P dun worry gua maseh jugak GUA. cuma tinggal jiwangs gua jer yang ter ter ter keluar! nie sumer pasal citer 'All about love ' yang che poww pinjam gua *sigh* oh! mamat che demi moore sungguh kiut walaupong pantat dier leper *hehe* tapi sungguh takbley carry amanda peet sweet kelakar giler langgar cermin! *terkencitcikitketawa*

stay sane,
amyemeelea

it matters..

"It is not by 'thinking out' the entire reality, but by a change of conciousness that one can pass from ignorance to the Knowledge - the Knowledge by which we become what we know. To pass from the external to a direct and intimate inner conciousness; to widen conciousness out of the limits of the ego and the body; to heighten it by an inner will and aspiration and opening to the Light till it passes in its ascent beyond Mind; to bring down a descent to the supramental Divine through self-giving and surrender with a consequent transformation of mind, life and body - this is the integral way to the Truth." - Sri Aubindo

i realised today that i slept the whole day through. plagued by incessant voices and dreams of those closest to me. at many times i didn't want to wake up. i didn't want them to end and hence lost was reality to me till i forced myself up to actually do some work. physical work. it is not enough to be able to change or decide the course of things in one's mind but rather its futher application of one's hopes and dreams to extend to our waking moments. the feelings of hopelessness i didn't want to bring back from my recent plays of mind but it is the desire to work things out and have better control of myself during those nightmarish moments. i had wanted to feel in control but yet it slips past me just like water through my fingers. still....the tightening coil of being in control held me together as i try to keep those self destructive feelings of anger and betrayal away. and then it struck me! the impossibilty of being and its endless riddles fall away as i understood what i have to do. which is to simply BE.

no i didn't dream of being in macritchie! but my pillar of strength who is right now probably already in japan should be smiling. knowing that i kept that small piece of memory etched in my mind. i hope you are reading this!

it was a hot morning, we got turned away from slf building because i didn't have my documents with me. she was with me a new stranger who became privy to my innermost thoughts and turmoil. she took me away to sanctuary with a simple question of where is the one place i had my happier moments and soon found ourselves in macritchie reservoir. on top of a small hill over drinks we sat down and evaluted our lives. shared drinks and amidst ciggerate smoke in a seemingly serene and peaceful setting we made decisions. decisions that will change our course of lives forever. sacrifices were inevitable but the strength and free will to surrender and act to better our situations grew in abundance! i will never forget that day :) as i will never forget how you turned from a beautiful stranger to a pillar of strength and into someone who touched my being with small very meaningful gestures.

it will be worth the wait our next fondue session! and in the meantime i have to concentrate on being punctual for work *hehehehe* and of course my schoolwork. i'd be starting my specialist diploma in applied psychology next term!!! but gosh!!! there's still so much to do :P resign! resign! resign! have coffee and watch other people rush to work, that is one that i am dying to try but i'm still happy at work though sometimes just sometimes i just wished i was doing something that i really wished for :P

stay sane,
amyemeelea

stuff that makes me goo mmMmmmm...

after so many depressing *ithink* posts i said to myself i must blog about all the things that make me happy....just to remind myself that i am not a sorry sad depressing piece of crap :)

1. telling the 3 terrors my impromtu made up stories
2. a long walk to nowhere
3. being able to watch the sunrise and set
4. talking about books
5. discussing current affairs with much participation from those around me
6. kittens or cats or furry animals
7. i simply love reading and it could be anything
8. eating *nuffsaid*
9. sharing funny jokes
10. bringing out my inner minah :P
11. making another person smile
12. a good looooOooooooooong massage
13. my hypnotheraphy classes
14. watching scary movies
15. a mani and pedi :D
16. shopping!
17. watching the tide
18. a long swim
19. i love to paint or do arts and crafts
20. write in my journal, a piece of a paper...anything
21. lucid dreaming
22. going to the library
23. walking in the rain
24. reaching out and holding hands
25. susan, asni, fusae, imran, ali, don, kecik, bobo, kamil, lala, noor
26. horse riding
27. salty air
29. csi, criminal mind and bitchy reality shows hehe
30. ......

i am also learning new tamil words! so the other day i was telling the other half about this new word and this piece of conversation still makes me giggle...

me: i learnt a new tamil word today!! *sexcited* it is the tamil word for 'chicken'

other : hmmmmm

me: yeap its 'koli'....koli is chicken in tamil

other: okay

me: then i asked sumi what was 'ayam belanda' or turkey called in tamil? she said its 'vann koli' *saiditwithbestindianaccent*

other: hehe *smilesthenlaughs*

me: whats so funny? *totitwasmyindianaccent*

other: pasal ayam tue dari negri belanda ehk?? abeh ada van damme, van diesel..err most peeps from holland have names with 'van' in front per :P so 'vann ayam'...'vann koli'????

me: muahahahahahah!

okay lar..i suck at blogging about the ayam joke :D still its really funny lar or it's just me being biased cos the other half is err...the other half! :P

stay sane,
amyemeelea...

The fever breaks....

Here I am sitting down in front of the pc and thinking about finishing my assignments but my head is swimming with more buzz about day-to-day stuff. Have I drawn up my bill payments for this month? What are my main objectives at work and how I can improve on speeding up input processes without getting dragged down office politics and of course…I feel so tired I can sleep for another 24 hours tops. My body aches and there’s only so much I can look forward to. Errrmmm….like meeting the kids over the weekend and and and….tough…tough..tough when I try to think about looking forward to things this week.

The senses of achievements are lost in my mundane droning way of looking into the future. The weather has been horrid and it’s been days since I have felt ‘good’. I hate feeling blue and nothing works or perks me up like a lil pat over the shoulder. poww called the other day and our conversation toughened up every resolved cell in my body to put in a 100% into my commitment to make things work. Sorry if I didn’t call you back powwsters….please do accept my sincerest apologies. When everything was let out, blissful sleep overtook and there goes the hours lost in soothing dreams. So thank you for bringing on the sense of needed relief :) you are a true friend *sobslikeafiveyearold *

So getting down to business, to only speak when spoken to. Do you think that such a stand will be able to support the idea of effective communication? How would you know what the person likes? Dislikes and ultimately his or her dreams and ideals? I was thrown the idea when it was noted and proved that such a stand works if you want to get to know a person and never forget how he or she is like. Say you want to know if she likes ice cream or not…the rules of engaging are when you are in the speak only when spoken to mode is not to ask if the person likes ice cream but to PUT YOURSELF IN THE PERSON’S SHOES, wait for the ideal moment and THEN WORK OUT A NICE NON INTRUDING SITUATION TO TEST THE THEORY. In other words just buy the person ice-cream lar and see whether she likes it or not :P but what if I want to know whether she is a republican or a democrat? Or if she think feminism is an outdated stand? Does she believe in breastfeeding? or if god is one of us?? How?! How?! How?!!! It is believed that all that we stand for and believe in is reflected in the way we say and do things…and I do believe in that but I also believe there are many facets on one’s life that is not so visible hence all at once complicating this get to know each other and everyone process.

The moral of the story is that actions speaks louder than words and the above rote of learning is exactly how you can make your actions count. well, for someone who is so used to ask and be given, this above challenge will be tough for me. Nothing will be asked as the want and need is simple, the other party wants to feel loved unconditionally. I’d have to make sure I don’t fall back into my old pattern of thinking and doing things. Wish me luck!!

Stay sane,
amyemeelea

entrapment to me..

besides being always asked if either i am male or female and not being able to answer at all, this other thing keeps bugging me. as with the most recent case of that trainee doctor being caught for commiting unlawful sex and doing drugs specifically pointed out *sorely*

so is entrapment morally okay or there's something seriously flawed with the concept. 2 guys i spoke with said its wrong because 'anybody' would be tempted so you shouldn't go around tempting people. my sis says its okay cos how then would be be able to weed out the bad. for those who answered "it depends on the situation" you are a spineless piece of meat and i hope your brain not rot due to the exhaustive analytical logical rational approach you always have to use when faced with any situation.

i mean you wouldn't go create situation out of the blue right?? same with you won't pine for somebody who wouldn't even say your name. BUT!! i know of people who would so maybe that doesn't count. what counts is you won't get a clap with just one hand :P at the end of the day, who eats chilli must taste the burning sensation and if you knew better then you would't go itching doing things that you shouldn't.

so i am for the entrapment thingy, but the motive for embarking on such delicate and often involving many loads of shit hitting the fan situations is one that i am not too fond of. for simply the truth does hurt. my personal experience being in either end of such a situation was not easy to swallow. something just blows when you get caught doing something you wouldn't dream of owning up to but it does happens. how many times were you caught looking at other boobies? coming in late for work *imaginesbosslyingatrapformearrrgh!* or having a virginal affair *itjustmeansnopenertration* ehk? ehk? ehk? i mean....woooah!!!! there's gonna be some serious shit if you get to the end of the entrapment thingy.

maybe the reason why some are not okay with it is because the opposite can't hold the same. i mean who would go around fishing for something good? have you ever looked out for the times when you suspect someone doing good and need to prove it so that you could award them????????? is the opposite of entrapment, competition? in a competition at least you know whose who, but in the case of entrapment there's always one party in the dark. like you even know who the judges are going to be! it could be ken lim or florence lian for godsake! :P

anyway...my point is...it doesn't matter whether its a competition or an entrapment, there must be a reason why you created the situtation and if its for the good of mankind and yourself then i applaud you for having the guts to act. someone is trying to commit suicide! call the police! i suspect my boyfriend is not faithful then stake him out! *sniggers* i suspect my employee is commiting criminal breach of trust! hack her private email! and of course don't forget to terminate her services and kill her career. all in all, a situation serves as a guide and in guidance we should be concerned not to be helping individuals to make wise decisions but with helping them to make decisions wisely. so you called the police and she know learns there's nothing to be gained in killing yourself but you'd have to live with her never trusting you no more afraid that if she does call you for emo support you'd just go ahead to call the police and incriminate her. so you finally understand that your boyfriend cheated on you because he doesn't feel loved or wanted hence the need to go fark around *evenwithoutpenertration* and you decided that both of you need to seriously trash things out and this will serve as a good lesson and its happy ever after or not! then you sue your employers for invasion of privacy and hope that the lawsuit will improve your future or NOT....the list goes on and on and on..the possible endings endless.

que sera sera whatever will be will be, the future not ours to see...que sera sera...what will be.....will BE.....if you care enough to shape yours then just do it....

staysane,
amyemeelea

horrible gum..

i tried some of that nicorette gum they advertised on telly. it TASTES horrible i tell you! i bet gua kunyah sentel ke sireh ke *betelleavesortobacco* lagik baik siak! *pttttuiiiiii* in my many attempts to quit that was the most horrible experience. it actually stung my tongue *yucks!*

left with just 3 packs and i told myself this is going to be my last ever yet i know it takes much more than just iffy promises. its hard to break nasty habits but well ho hum..i'll take my shot at it. the week went fairly well and the bset thing this week must be the news that for this whole motnh and a bit more i'd be able to borrow up to 16 books from the library!!!!!!! *jumpsupanddownlikeberokmentel* hypno class resumes tomorrow after a week break *gush* and i can't wait :) my first assignment is going on well as i start to discipline myself bit by bit. my gal pals che lina and che feejah are doing good after a heady night pouring and receiving. i'm really proud of che feejah to have accomplished her dream of owning a bike and way cool to be riding pillion with her *hehe* she was brave enough to send me back all way from tampines to woodlands the other night and to work a few days after. i dropped her cashcard but thankfully she didnt scream :D met up with che ayincurrent by chance but didn't say much other than hi. che nyce had a date and must remind myself to catch up with her soon and ask about her new guy *kaypoh* and hope powwsters not too busy to meet up. kids are good and work is the same save for my snaps with debra who cheers me up and is always there to vent *gossip* i owe you one debra ;)for missing coffee last saturday due to work.

looking forwad to my break and who knows what will happen this week! *countdown*

stay sane,
amyemeelea

reflections..

the mirror reflects my exact features which could translate into many mutable things but what i hope it does not reflect will ever be my sins. the thought of it gives me the creeps as i picture myself suffering the very fate of a certain dorian gray *eeeks*

the night ends and my hour of tv watch is up...my good intentions are never far away and i feel content running the day through my head. while there are still somethings i wished i could have done better *hehe* but well....it will have to do.

i saw the mag that featured the cool vespa my bro thought be best for me and i have decided not to 'jump' at things but make it as a gift of sorts for me to overcome my fear of getting a licence for my graduation :D but i can't deny that the vespa in purple is way cool!!!!!! i am not sure what the 3 terrors would think but i'd tell them of my plans tomorrow when i pick them up after work. number 1 picked up my call with a huff and a pufff :P but hearing her voice just made things cheery in a breezy sorta way. it will be nice to spend some quality time with them tomorrow. yesterday's episode of supernanny gave me inspiration!!! although i must confess i didn't finish the programme *haha*

i found inspiration for my assignment on feelings and need to plan out my thoughts on paper soon. have about 2 weeks to do each one if i want to graduate. the last graduation was at fullerton hotel for god sakes!!! and i want to be able to walk on that stage with my head up high and on TIME :p

work will be good as things are looking well in a more defined way as my boss finally took into her hands to streamline and place everyone of us into our designated roles. i just want to do my best and not come in late no more. up to date i've been late for a total 8mins! and that translates to 4 bucks in total....well....enough to buy coffee for the pantry i guess *muahahaah*

stay sane,
amyemeelea

fast and furious..

the day went past so fast till i just realised after the bus ride home just now, the fact that i haven't eaten much today. i had tuna puff in the morning, black coffee, err...2 and a half pieces of butter crackers, more black coffee, bits of rojak and then just now at starbucks this banana shake thingy *whichipukedoutafter*. i didn't want any coffe because i kinda overdosed on coffee today and i think my insomnia is slowly creeping back! *arrrgh!!!* maybe not but i'd be ready with some new tricks i learnt recently ;)

its midnite and it's number 2's 6th birthday today!!! happy birthday darling and you'd always be the apple of my eye. i've always wanted a boy and of course i am so very glad i have you. your poutiness and the shyness you have about you never fails to make me smile and yes....the streak of stubborness in you reminds me very much how you are mine! mine! mine! i'm going to take sometime tomorrow to write you your birthday letter which i will keep for safekeeping till you're a wee bit older to read my handwritting hehe

i met che lynn maharet who is even sweeter in person! yes..madam thank you for adding me on as your step father in multiply :D but if a step father i must be to view pics of the house then step father i shall be *lol* i also managed to catch up with missy JAH ;) who now is a proud owner of a cool XR!!! i'm glad to have made jaime's acquaintance and of course laugh at those silly but seriously fun times we had way back during our teens.

back home, bobby and shikino bought me purple organza cloth to sew into hari raya's baju kurung :) and i feel blessed. i'm serously thinking of taking up my motorbike license but we'll see how. bobby made me drool when he told me of a cool purple vespa that he thinks would be so cool for me. still *bah!* he said i should concentrate on school right now and quit jumping around like a monkey. kin~~~...thank you for being there *viasms* when i felt very sad today *hughug* i finished sending that email *longovberdue* to school with request to repeat my last 5 modules. otey so now you ALL know the truth >) che amyemeelea has been very jahat :P

last but not least *hugstopowwsters*

stay sane,
amyemeelea

Impulsiveness.

To jump at events, people and new experiences with naught much thought have always been my forte. It is only much later when the moment slowly slides that I catch up with the reality of things and the full impact of those moments in time engulf me in entirety.

I called the 3 terrors while shifting through work today to make arrangements to pick them up. Nyce smsed to invite me to dinner and I replied happily that we’d be celebrating terror no. 3’s third birthday! And earlier on while secretly having a conversation with my oh-so-cute and hilarious colleague deb-deb-debra over internal email I expressed my happiness about having plans to see the kids today. I was so looking forward that when the following conversation brushed past me I couldn’t stop myself from blowing serious snot and therefore freaking my other colleagues. From seriously high I was a sobbing wrecked and snotty Amy.

Ring ring
Grandma picked up and I asked for number 1. She hollered her annoyance and gave reason she was busy and I heard the grandmum shouted over to number 2 to tell me that I couldn’t pick them up today because their father was going to bring them out today. I didn’t feel much and spoke to my ever sensitive and diplomatic son who’s short of just 3 days away from turning 6 years old himself.

Number 2 : ma..You can’t pick us up today cos we are going out with papa. You see us next time okay?

Mama Amy: errm….okay. are you guys going out to celebrate number 3’s birthday? That’s nice *stillupbeatnie* but am I going to get to see you tomorrow? I thought maybe we could do a little celebration today/

Number 2: cannot….we are going out and tomorrow we have school and after school *mumblemumble*

Mama Amy: ok then after school I come pick you up. Can you call number 1 so I can tell her about our plans?

Number 2: ok jap eh.

Shuffling noises in the background and then to my sweet surprise!!!

Number 3 aka the birthday girl: elo mama amy!

Mama Amy: how are you darling?! And happy birthday!

Birthday girl: *giggles* I’m fine. I want present!

Mama Amy: aiks! I just got you a present. Where’s your talking cat I got you?

Birthday girl: da hilang. Abang and kakak kasi hilang *whiny*

Mama Amy: well you didn’t take care of your cat so that’s how it got lost.

Birthday girl: I want Barbie doll!

Mama Amy: but you have so many of em! But okay, when I see you we’ll see if we can get something for everyone okay? So today you be a good girl and take care of yourself. I’m not picking you up. Insyaallah, tomorrow ok??

Birthday girl: ma……grandma says I have to follow mama baru *newmama* and next time mama lama *oldmama* ok??

Mama Amy: *choke* ehk?? Mama baru???!! What about mama lama?! *notynoty* well, ok then, what’s your mama’s name?

Birthday girl: *sayshername* and giggles prettily :P

Mama Amy:eh that’s your name lar! Wot’s my name?!!

Birthday girl: mama amy.

Mama Amy: ok then so what’s your mama baru’s name? :)

Birthday girl: mama baru.

Mama Amy: *sniffhaha * eeeks?! you don’t know her name? Ok, when you see her why don’t you ask her what’s her name and tell mama amy ok? *breakingdown*

Birthday girl: ok. So today I cannot see you ok? *Sweetwhispers* see you next time.

Mama Amy: *squeekingsniff* ok…you go have a good birthday and time and be a good girl. Happy birthday darling…*chokingonmytinysobs * you take care and have fun *voicecracks*

Birthday girl: ok..bye bye mama. I love you I miss you. Ok I put down now.

Mama Amy: *coversfacewithpaper* I love you. I miss you *sobsob*

Birthday girl: I love you. I miss you. I love you. I miss you….

Click.

I tore a piece of tissue paper from my desk to stop the gush of tears and walked out of the office. I could hear my colleagues call after me but I couldn’t hold back my full-blown sobs and blew my nose hard squatting by the carpark. I composed myself and walked into the office to clear my work. All the while my mind whirred away and my heart stopped for a bit before beating super fast. Maybe it was anger, maybe it was huge disappointment but I know it was I doing penance.

Back home now. Bobby and shikino bought me lunch of beef noodle that I couldn’t swallow :) Thank you deb-deb-debra for wanting to wait for me and the hug. Now trying not to dwell on my phonecall. After getting of the train I called the kids and finally got a pouty number 1 on the phone. We whispered softly and made arrangements to meet next week and she promised to be a good girl and my heart slowly sang its song of merciful relief. She complained naughty birthday girl hit her on the arm and refused to make her a card. It soon felt like things are back to normal. Another quick phonecall to my pillar of strength but it was left unanswered...again after a few tries from last night. my pillar must still be in crumbles of dust and i felt a twang of helplessness.

Oh well….

Stay sane,
amyemeelea

Lump in my throat..

“It is important to pay attention to what you like to hear. It is more important to pay attention to what you don’t like to hear.” I read that somewhere and then I started to think about all those around me that like to zero in on only one of our senses and use it to make, pass judgements.

I see.
I hear.
I touch.
I smell.
I feel.

Out of all the above, which do you, use most? I have a friend who uses “I see” for everything that he decides for. And in my most recent hypnotherapy class, my lecturer said and pointed out clearly how “I see, I believe” has been the way of life for many of us. Have any one of you heard or said this very same phrase at one time or another?
“Ampun datuk, anak cucu tumpang kencing/lalu etc”….but that’s another story altogether. I mean how can you believe what you don’t see right but are all those people who see what you don’t see crazy? Lacking? Maybe selfish??

Usually when we get into arguments, we try to make each other or everyone involved looking at the evidence, to see what can be done and then agree on its solution. Or I personally have been through cases where I try to make my pitch by making the other party understand what I think, I see, I feel, I touch, I hear, I smell only to be thwarted with “I have already told you what I need to say, I just want to see”. And all the while you’ve been making that pitch of yours, he haven’t even said anything! >( its people like these I have most trouble with. The wait and see what happens and put in no blarrdy effort to contribute to solve the current problem. My boss also told me the other day, “We are glad to confirm you but not going to give you that $50 dollar increment because we have to see how you perform in the next 1 or 2 months.” And this is after they have actually extended my probation for another month!!!!!! Of course I pressed on and she did share with my with the areas the management are looking in and *hehe* I’m quite tardy when it comes to punctuality. So I didn’t feel too angry about not getting that $50 bucks increment, because they have all the right in the world to not increase my pay if I do not deserve it. La di da di da…..

But my personal gripe will be with this particular friend of mine who probably has a reason not to give me his time of day but refuses to point it out to me. Instead his only solution and encouragement is, “I want you to figure it out yourself” so I did, I figured that I know what I was doing and I’m going to be a great success about it and walked away. As I walked away feeling guilty about not explaining to him what I was doing, a small voice at the back of my head told me, “he doesn’t care to know and if he did he would ask you why” so onward march I go. The guilt slowly melted and turned into sadness and then slowly turned into feelings of unfairness towards him. I was sad at the thought of losing a friend at the thought of my selfishness. But then again, selfish is when you are concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself, seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others or when you act arising from concern with one's own welfare or advantage in disregard of others (a selfish act).

Yes. By walking away I was selfish because I was concerned that I would be hurting both parties to go on with the argument at hand. That was my immediate response. But I am not selfish when my main intention of selling my pitch to him was to make him feel better and hopefully ease his unwanted feelings and hurt? But I now know he totally shut me off when he fully blames me for being the source of his hurt. I am entire responsible for his source of unhappiness and he was only making his stand by withholding his comments. Or whatever that he withheld…

So I do understand and I hope they all do understand that whatever I do in the future, I will do with all my full sense of being and I did give them a chance to have a hand to make the future better for all of us. Since they gave me the empowerment to act solely with my best abilities, I will honor that trust and do what I do best which is to be true to myself and be the best in whatever I set myself out to do :P well, they did give me that job and he did want to be my friend so I thank you. And forgive you if you didn’t catch no balls as I made my pitches.

Imgigi : Jahat – whats your excuse for waking up today?

Jahatamyemeelea : I woke up purposeless…on purpose

Imgigi : All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us...

Jahatamyemeelea: how true when I have already decided

Oh…and I found another lump in my throat :( and flashes of my last surgery to remove a lump in my thyroids haunt me. I don’t like needles and I hate any kind of surgery and I would want my whole face to be blown up like a potato head no more. So I’m going to leave it for a few days and go back to my doctor maybe next month to have a check on it. It’s a sign to QUIT I tell ya!!!!

Stay sane,
amyemeelea

yeay! yeay!

*jumpsaroundlikeablarrdyfairy!*

:D

yeayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!! *happygiler*

there is nothing like the feeling of satisfaction and there is nothing like that sense of fulfillment! there is nothing like the rush of serotonin and endorphins like tonight!!!!! not even e-kan can beat this feeling of mine :)*heheheheeheh*

the reason why i am so blaaaaarrdy happy is that today i went to school and after a long time of not wanting to face the music of my piled past procrastinations i dragged my feet to the notice board where the posted our results. it was breaktime and i was on the way downstairs to get 'oxygen' when i told myself, "okay larr...if i suck it will be a very timely reminder that i will need to BUCK up pronto". i looked up the board and they had not our names but our course id numbers next to the results for every module that has just passed. shitte! i can't remember my own id number and was too lazy to even get back to class to check on it so i asked the customer service desk to check on it. she was nice enough and so i went back expecting the worst! but guess what i saw on the board next to my id number.....002710 course module AP101 - DISTINCTION *dehem*

i blinked and then i went back to the counter to ask if they got my number right; by then my coursemates saw where my pointy fingers had been and already started teasing me to buy kopi :P i got back to the board in disbelief and tried my damnest to believe what i saw....my heart was like bursting and my head felt very light! i went for a smoke and i just had to tell somebody, anybody!!!! but no one heard me *pout* so when i went back to class and looked at my student id card to confirm my id number, my eyes wanted to water and i bit my lips in disbelief.

i did it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

couldn't really concentrate after that *muahahaha* but i managed to contain myself. the first person i called later to tell of the good news was terror number 1 and she sang me a new song which she learned in school to celebrate. but she had to put down the phone abruptly when i asked to speak to number 2 :( still, fret not i told myself as this weekend i'd get to see them again *hopes* and probably then i'd be able to vent off my happiness.

if only i could share it with you and hear you say
that you are proud of me
if only i could show you how much it means to me
that you are happy for me
if only i could see that smile of yours
that you are going to reward me with a kiss
if only you would just stop for a moment....
and surrender to my will of happiness
but reality is....
you are lost to me for this moment in time
albeit physically, still know that i could feel you
in my mind, my heart....my soul

chow chin chow peeps! till my euphoria dissipates *muehehehehe*

stay sane,
amyemeelea

a blast!

gua: apek ah..sikalang pukol belaper?

apek: ah sikalang, eight and seben. *penuh confident*

gua: ehk??? eight and seben itu pukol belapa?!

apek: ooohhh....eight and seben minutes *muka atak cenyum*

a nice blast to the past with the kids. i think this is a nice shot with the apek ice cream who was nice enough to pose for a picture with the three terrors. i mean the guy is a blarrdy classic man! :D

to my question, "maybe is not a definite yes or a no..then what the fish ijit?"....i have to thank che im ;) for fitting and APT answer. of course he was the only one who bothers to take me seriously *sometimes* and the answer is; "maybe is you having to settle for less then expected when yes.... and not compromising your expectation when no...." yesh, it is a bit of a tongue twister but thanks again my man :) made my night, can't say about tommorow.

stay sane,
amyemeelea

saved!!

my hair was like falling out in clumps till sis saved me with an online database address to go dig for my research stuff for school *yeay!!* then my brain kinda went to blue screen hehe :P

P-R-O-C-A-S-T-I-N-A-T-I-O-N

is a bad bad BAD word :D

stay sane and super ons!!!
amyemeelea needs energizer batts to be shoved up my arse *hic*

crazy..

i got back at 6pm and left the rest of the guys to finish up whatever was needed at the office. i had an important errand to run, a message to send and i just don't know what to expect. nevertheless, i just did what my heart told me to do and time!....got back close to 9pm. one of the girls is coming in morning tomorrow and i'm stuck with the 11 am shift. i actually have class but she needed the morning shift more than i do so i lied and said it's okay to change :) i hope things work out for ms villy kong hehe...

"a fleeting smile disarmed me and i turned my eyes away so as not to fall further down its abyss of soulful yearning. the steps i took burnt marks into the concrete floor as i try with all my might to walk away. within minutes my heart stop beating and with just a hello you started it alive with desperate longing; as i try to mask my hidden sorrow. still it was that fleeting smile i will choose to remember the rest let mere presence swallow...."

OOppps...terbabas gua!! it's desperate housewives nite and i keep clenching and grinding my teeth. maybe i'd take the time to look for that biting cat again and give it a tight smack for biting me last night hehehe...darn this nagging feelings of unease!!!

stay sane,
amyemeelea tak centre skit nari..*skitjermaybecosi'mHUNGRYah!*

a moment...

Blackrose

Penantian

Dikamar ku menyepi
Hanya lilin menerangi
Beginikah seksanya
Hidup dalam penantian
Ditabir tirai malam
Ada insan kesepian, keseorangan...

Dan setiap detik yang ku lalui
Seluruh malam ku membisu
Tetap setia menantimu
Bayanganmu entah di mana

Mengapa harus kita ditemukan
Di saat jiwaku keresahan
Apakah aku satu persinggahan
Mengubat rindu... oh...

Kau dahagakan...
Ku kehausan...
Setitis rasa
Pada bayangan yang tak pasti... oh...

Kau nyalakan perasaan
Mengukir kemesraan
Mungkinkah ada sinar
Bersama impianku

Dah telah ku duga
Suasana keindahan seketika
Aku tetap menanti mu

Kau dahagakan...
Ku kehausan...
Setitik rasa... oh...
Aku tenggelam...
Kehampaan...
Keseorangan...

Mana sinaran ?...
Terangilah hidupku
Tak sanggup lagi... aku... sepi...

before anybody calls me a minah jiwangs *hehe* this song is specially dedicated to my fave bud che jihn :) who is going coming back to singy for just awhile and be a totally changed man!!!! for some who know... this song was banned a while back because it was said that the song was about the person pining for drugs..i went like wahhhh????! but yes naybe it has i-am-having-craves-for-dotdotdot but so what?!! it's a nice song and i guy sang it so beautifully hauntingly rockish mentel. so they did the ineveitable which was to change the liriks of the song. it sounded awful of course! and me being not so musically inclined except for live music didn't get to hear the original song for years!! i lost my tape and then tape went out of fashion and of course my walkamn from school was lost? damaged? i think it was lost :P THEN!!!! when jihn was in singy; while in the car, the radio played the song and hell yeah! we both burst out in song ehehehe it was a pure moment and please send my bestest regards to you know who ;) see you soon on the fateful day! tak tak...gua janji tak bukak silat hehe...won't want you guys to fall flat on your face laughing ;P

so i updated my bro and sis in law on my week and had a few laughs. have a few invitations next week cos the mosaic festival is on right now. maybe hop into my bud's new *okaynotsonew* swanky car for a spin and catch up. and i promised che tom to lepak at his cafe which he's turning into a cinema! it's called kaki 5 over at jalan sultan, pretty funky if you like a whiff of urba-serba-funky-new-malay-underground-culture-in-singy *muehehehehe* type of cafe cum gallery now a cinema! must bring the gals out to paint the town red and loads of spring cleaning to be done in room! check out chinois with poww and harry soon. run my blaaardy errands and must must see the 3 terros soon and catch up wih my elder bro in tampines.....and of course...complete my assignment ;)*phew*

ok go!

stay sane,
amyemeelea just had kofi :D

frager?!!!!

i had a great night and thanks to prince harry and ms powwsters *peloktakmolepas* an intresting day ended intrestingly well. a breath of fresh air always does one good and i have very good friends around me ;) *mushymushy* out on a saturday night wearing my fave leather jaket hehe and just about talked about everything. i just hope poww and harry didn't go deaf just sitting with me cos i can be very loud :P

i learnt some new german words and what stuck most was the word 'fra-ger' meaning 'question' in german and it was funny how we all conversed in a smattering of germang haha!! both of em are the funkiest couple and tonight all the more i wished them both the very best in life. you can't know how tonight was important to me :) i was carrying aheavy load today but they took the time to include me and un-loaded my migraine away *yeay!*

i missed my bus! cos i waited on the wrong side of the road *duh* i took the bus to save a bit ah...nasib baik ada this weekend nightrider bus thingy kalau tidak gua starded siak! and dozed off in bus till i reached home. walked a bit and decided to log on and blog a bit to chip of this euphoria so that i can go to sleep. think a bit about the good news *andbad!!* we shared and smile at the memories of a night well spent shared by my fave *verysane* couple of the moment *yesiamgushing*

soooooo.....here's to both of you ;) for making me feel 'alive'....

"the porter runs to the heavy load and takes it from others,
knowing burdens are the foundations of ease
and bitter things the forerunners of pleasure.
See the porters struggle over the load!
It's the way of those who see the truth of things."
- Rumi, Mathnawi, II 1834-36

stay sane and always happy,
amyemeelea

musings..

andaian....

"keikhlasan ku disoal, apabila dituntut
erti keikhlasan itu tidak harus dipersoalkan.
kemahuan ku ditolak, atas dasar aku tidak mengerti.
tiap tomahan dan cemuhan kusama ertikan dengan luahan cinta.
pergertian saksama yang diburu digelapkan oleh kecelaru pemikiran.
perbezaan zahir dan kelemahan batin menjadi batu penghalang.
perjalanan ku terhenti....
tersentak lamunan cinta asyik syahdu romantis.
diriku keliru dan jasad ku lengguh ditimpa badai tak sudah.
namun perjalanan menuju ke SATU tidak akan ku hentikan.
andaian kekasih sejati kujadikan senjata srikandi.
yang menjadikan cita-cita yang diburu bukan setakat impian tapi
perjuangan yang suci
lagi kudus....."

the kids in a controlled enviroment of course! if not i shudder to think what could have happened to the walls, the floor and to everything :P they have this habit *whichicultivatedahems* of drawing on the walls except for terror number 3 cos she's too young to remember but we used to have a special wall to draw on! they *andme* are allowed to draw, color and scribble and do anything to that wall and i'd just keep it that way. it is suppose to deter them *andmehehe* to draw on any other walls and things in the rest of the house!

well.....we'll have another wall soon :) and in the meantime, paper would do. any kind of paper of course! :D i know it must sound terrible to number them in such a way but i have to tell you that it stopped them from fighting over the phone and almost *ALMOST* just about everything else. i used to have this problem of them fighting over the phone when i call but the numbering system worked! now they take turns according to the 'number system' and i get to talk to ALL three of them *yeay!!!clapshands* in order plak tue :P but i always remind them that i love all the same and not more or less. only yes...the love just grows as love does grow over time...

stay sane,
amyemeelea

the three terrors...

pics say a thousand words :)

stay sane and happy,
amyemeelea

the four f's...

stands for, fornication, fight, flight and freeze.

its the very basic workings of the the amygdala. no not the star wars queen but the part of our brain. i wonder why she was named for the very part that is said to be "the seat of our passions" or rather more precisely the seat of our fear. i went for class today and that was what stuck in my mind for the rest of the time i left class.

i'm taking module AP105- Emotional motivation and Intelligence :D and as it always has been, class was an experience in itself. i missed last week's class and it's nice to know my coursemates actually missed me haha! i didn't get a new lecturer as i had hoped but it was mr chee kum again. he's okay but can get very dry and technical *hrrrmpf* but for one thing, hes very passionate about teaching and is very serious about the comments that he get in class. he tries to accomodate by bringing in new material and tries to relate to the young and old in the class by using varied terms to explain the technical and scientific terms we learn in class. today he used the word horny *hurrah!!!* but stopped when i made a snide remark about it hehehe...we were talking about how in the 60's it was believed that women do not reach orgasm hah! but later studies have shown *ofcourse!* that women do reach orgasm such as men do but in very different ways.

which is why i prefer mr naidu to teach because he hates to speak about what was researched way back in the 60's! they have no blaardy business in the present, the now :) but in the academic world i guess it is still very much necessary to learn how things and theories HAVE evolved. very much like how life in general is. we hate to make past mistakes but many have forgotten that its the process that really matters. in the now times that everything has to be rushed, i find people aroud me less tolerant and less patient about changing and adapting. we have lost the sense of achievement that comes with a work well done and for different people the learning curve truly varies *weknowthatbutestillchoosetodisbelieve* i hate all the rush but reality is as such that i say potato and you say potata :P

after about a month in my permanent *hopes* department i took my very first mc today. i just can't take the stress and long working hours. i have been neglecting my health, my spirit and those close to me. just feeling off balance and the much needed rest was very welcome. i set my mind yet again to the routine i had set much earlier before which was to maximise my resources to its fullest and again am more aware of my strengths and weaknesses. i don't care how many times i fail and i don't care if it seems to be fruitless to some when significant and fixed changes have yet manifested themselves in my course of trying. it does get to me these negative feedback but He knows best and of course those closest to me.

"Human mental processes are surely among the most important and most difficult to deal with" - Psychology of Intelligence Analysis, Richard J. Heuer, Jr. and that's the challenge for me today!!!!! just need to first reduce the tension i am now feeling. so now i know more about what exactly that goes around in our mind among our kind *hehe* so it'll be much easier to 'understand' and go with the flow when i'm so set in my thinking and ways from before. and yeah....it'll be intresting to see how i can apply what i have learnt in class to work for me in real life. even if it takes the topic of sex to awake me from my slumber hehehehehe...

stay sane and in good spirits,
amyemeela

i'm backkkk!!!!!

I just deleted a long long long entry rambling and grumbling when I stopped and deleted everything. Simple with just a click and then its all gone! Wouldn’t I be great to erase things just as easy as that :D

I am not going to edit this entry at all just to see if I could spot some Freudian slips of mine along the way hehe and try not to censor myself along the way. I just spotted one above and I’m going to let it be.

So what did I do these past few weeks? I managed to finish one assignement on time and the other *tootteetteettoot* along athe way. I I emant that. I just don’t know what happened to the other one. Everyone who cared asked if I handed in my assignments and I said yes to all :P I attended the hotel’s dinner and dance as a bear last Thursday and won a huge ang pow. Won’t say how much it was but have already spent it all on verybody else except myself ;) I have finally decided that it’s okay for me to look for another job if I don’t find the current one suitable for me *thankyoupoww* and I am convinced now that my sympathies for the opposition party in Singapore will only have me looked upon as just another rebel without a cause *yeah!!!rockon!* again I learnt to opposites do attract but all for the wrong reasons and that I’d always be a stubborn mule when I can’t bring myself to agree with another’s point of view or sets of beliefs.

I still belive in the freedom of the press and that it should be upheld at all costs. Because to me freedom of press means living without fear and when one lives without fear only then can one be faced with situations and challenges to change oneself from within. I’m not saying we all should not live in fear totally but isn’t fear the very thing that stops us from moving forward and experiencing the good the bad the ugly? Should life just be happy, peaceful and in harmony? Was it meant to be without strife and adversity? I think there’s a lot more issues at hand that needs to be tackled,.immediate issues very close at home, at heart that needs our attention. Bigger pictures gives us the wide screen view of things but if you look closely, and that’s how you should look…..very closely and that is when you can see what needs to be done and how it needs to be done. No point looking at the bigger picture and missing the finer things in between or one can’t be anal retentive and micro manage everything. I just think that I should conventrate on what I do best nad try to do other aspirational, inspirational things at least once. Who knows you might like it and decide to pursue and keep it as a constant.

Who knows what is good or bad for us anymore. For some freedom means one but to another a totally different thing altogether. The most most important is not to,lose its ‘essence’ and efforts must be made to keep it pure. Whether its freedom of the press or maybe it was just seeking out the truth. Fair is fair and I think everyone should take it as their own responsibility to practice what they preach and earn their keep. Its just very sad that some had to die and others ostracised. But fear not……..evil begets evil and good will triumph. Law of the universe transcends mere idolatry laws of men and I have faith that nothing that has transpired has gone to waste.

Some may fear lipas and some may fear cicaks but I fear I’d fail to hear the alarm go off tomorrow if I don’t get some shuteye. Some fears are irrational and many totally makes sense!!! But just how many will overcome and prevail AT least the selfless ones :)

stay sane and not sleepy :P
amyemelea

meanings..

for those who have tried to get to me via handphone and found that my line is on a holiday, my sincerest apologies. like a very good friend of mine said, no news is good news unless of course its just sad news from a third party kinda of news, i'm just saying that i'm fine. everything is a-okay and i'm riding as ususal. once the line is up and as most are familair with my riding it just goes to say, "gua biasa ah, sekejap timbul lain kali nyer tenggelam."
i'd be doing my usual rounds of catching up soon enough.

solipism - latin ipse = self and solus = alone

1. nothing exists
2. even if someting exists, nothing can be known about it and
3. even if something could be known about it, knowledge about it can't be communicated to others

solipism claims that the universe exists entirely in one's own mind.

reads familiar right? poww and myce, the date for the 9th or was it 10th? :P is still on. i will be calling you soon about it. and i think my dinner and dance is going to be on the 9th so let me get my diary straighten out. to the cellaraid gang (hahahahah!!! means u nanin ;)) i still owe u a graduate's celebration and of course the usual let's laugh and go about being aka 14 years old again :D soon!! you have my baju kurung lar dey!

to ms. vilevilly who can't speak proper english even if its forced up her arse. please watch out as i don't care if they call you 'gangster batu pahat', i'd just swat you the same *withthevilestofinsults* the minute my feelings of 'understanding' erodes. everyday being at work with you is mental torture and its the law of the universe to reap what you sow so i'm just going to be patient and look on. if you ever so much step a milimetre of my non existant tail >) you're gonna get a shitload of abuse. i don't think you ever heard of machikvilliean tactics kan kan kan?! *hehehehe*

selamat tahun baru sumer!

stay sane,
amyemeelea

:(

i need to work on my already overdued by 16mins assignment and my body itches all over ni. after this i'm going to take a shower to freshen up and another cup of coffee. i saw a GUY along orchard road today giving/offering tarot readings and i asked if he is going to be there tomorrow. intresting that a guy would want to set up a table just like that right in front of wisma!

i was at the library cramming for my assignment and did you know that the whole 5th floor of taka is now this mega floor of art and craft to buy stuff. i mean art friend was smack right there! it was like being in a mini high class bras basah lerrrr!!! my hands kinda twitched nervously to get everything on the shelves. there were paints *oilwateracryllic*, multicolored threads cap \DMX/ of course and paper twilling!!! it was MY PARADISE siak! i had to fold my arms across my chest :P course its cold ar >) and did a whole tour till it was time to close :(

but tis okay! i plan to go back very, very soon to get my hands on something and will the time away, force myself to relax. i had thought of painting again but couldn't decide on which medium and of course the other craft materials strewn around made me hyperventilate hehe so i think i'd start with crocheting or something you know. that i could literally stuff it into my bag and lug around.

then, i said to myself, tak macho siak bikin crochet or knitting hehe....takper ah at least bley play pretend its rockmanja :D

stay sane,
amyemeelea

sometimes ah...

like i read in a book somewhere, we only really understand ourselves through metaphors. you turn here you turn there and someone can come up with a split second metaphor, borrowed or of their own in a spilt second! amazing kan!!

like today i found myself caught up in my own anger that oozed out of my every pore like sick yellow pus. it threatened to choke as i willed it to drown the very person who made me feel so angry!! but as i am the cool babe :P the thoughts lay dormant and i managed to instead swim in the headiness of nicotine induced euphoria albeit just momentarily. my manager aka my godmummy aka 'the' person who has been getting on my very nerves of late finally pulled me aside today to 'talk'.

i think she knew that a little bit more and i would completely switch off and thats going to be the end of what we have painstakingly built these past 10 or so years together. i do understand that she doesn't want to be said as someone who practices favouritism. i mean genreally the -isms of the world are looked upon as bad or undesirable. so i said i understand totally where she was coming from and i have nothing against her. but only because i did make her out as a total biatch at work today :D but hey!! it was only because of her own doing and i merely reiterated what she stood for wot. which is "you! monkey see monkey do ok!" to which i said, "you! no good monkey so i don't want to follow ok! me new and improved monkey." *hehe*

but all the "i have very high expectations of you" in the world could not ease that part of me that painstakingly swallowed the pain of jealousy that raged when i heard another called her "mummy". no one has ever been given that so called priviledge to call her that cept for me and the rest of the guys actually called her other than "mummy" when i'm around for fear of me going berserk. such is HISTORY and even the oldest history could be changed with a sleight of the hand, as part of mine did today :)

stay sane,
amyemeelea

letting off steam...

i would have thought that the new job should have been easy peasy for me but it seems like the minutes feels like hours over time and even longer when its work, work, work and MORE work. its really not so bad because it is ALL just work afterall. we all have lives after work!! we should and those workaholics....pleaseeeeeeeee GO GET A LIFE.

i have this slight problem with a few of the guys at work whom are such workaholics that they are making the rest of us look very very bad. worst still, i make more mistakes when i don't concentrate enough or just plain bored and unhappy so these past few days have been such crap. i can't sing, joke or talk *i'mtooloud* and everything i say and do is being criticised and its sucky!!!!! or maybe i've always taken critisms a little more staright to the heart with the people whom i'm trying to get close to. a little more frustrated when my other efforts are to be made a LOT less than i had intended them to be. i just want to learn, hence the stupid questions and i just want us to lighten up a little hence the little crappy jokes. a bit of song and dance to break the routine but i think i'm just too STUPID to do anything or to understand anything *sigh*

well, tomorrow is going to be a better day and its another round of exams coming my way. i had thought that this little tiny move from my other position at the business center to the reservations would be more fun! since i'd be with a few older 'kakis' but boy was i wrong *again* the understanding that i had thought i have secured right in my little pocket became non-existant and worst!!!!! its soooooo DAMN cold down in the basement office. dehem! those workaholics *&(^*&%^$#$#@$#@%$&%(*^*&* but as we say....nie sumer kira lumrah dunia. mana lu keje pong samer so part bencik-bencik nie sumer setakat nak layan..layan DUA MINIT jer. pastue lu gua kita-kita sumer relek one kornarrrrr sua! or roughly translated to "i can't be bothered to partake in your little party of idiotic plain selfish skirmishes and please talk to the hand when your two minutes is up." *hehehe*

but hell yeah!!! i'd be back with a bounce tomorrow and with my little army of ginseng honey, my obat kuat jamu ;P and it'd all be a breeze again. "makjun kuat sa la saaaa~~~! Preeeeet!!!"

stay sane,
amyemeelea

ps: happy birthday Puteri Isabella, moga harapanmu untuk menjadi seorang anak yang solehah dikabulkan...*kishes*

finally here in woodlalaland..and back from my first overtime stint nie..

i dunno wot happened to an updated blog entry of mine but my guess is that its somewhere floating in here. i needed the money so worked my very first overtime stint today and for a total of nine hours. i endured the data entry and filing i had to do. it was really nothing compared to what you must go through :) but today i feel better knowing that my efforts are going to be paid off even if not handsomely it will definately help ease a wee bit of my worries. i know its very late but i drank too much coffee today in hopes to stay alert and awake. alas i wasn't fast enough to pick up the simplest things and ended up learning very little *orsoithinkmyslef* but i am definately going to try even harder at work and at home. i am going to gather all the strength and patience to see my immediate goals come true. i lost my journal!!!! silly me went around showing the guys baby pictures lah! >( so serve me right. i must learn to take things easy so that i won't miss the finer details.

personally, there's so much i miss :( espescially, my bonsai plant that i accidentally left at the last pad!!!
its was a long weekend for many, the last new year but a very long tiring one for me. i am finally here and more or less settled at my bros place. everything worked out fine even if i didn't get to do up my room as how i had envisioned it to be but it'll make do. we finished moving only last monday and bless everyone who helped me with the move :)

i am only left with my books to unpack and when my bro saw what i did to the room a wee bit just now he went, "*sniggers* wow! look at my sister's room...it looks like a small house!". and it does look and feel like a small house in a flat hehe. it made my day and the thought of bunking in with my bro and wifey much more palatable :P *ithinktoomuch* but all in all i think the both of em are just great and big hearted to help me with my decisions to change courses yet again. i have hot showers every morning yeay! no more waking up to boil water yeay yeay yeay!!! and its pretty cosy my room. it has an aircon unit but my bro and wifey keeps asking me about why i don't use the fan instead :P i hate the cold too, i have always thought myself to be cold blooded and now i just sleep with the windows open.

i hope i see this on the blog! if not, i'm not so sure when i'd be able to gather my thoughts this clearly again hehe....

salam eidul adha to everyone *asmentionedonthelastupdatedentry*

stay sane,
amyemeelea

minah/mat feeling-feeling da takde value...

often we do not even know how to even label our feelings but yet when a moment strikes we instinctively know something is telling us something. yet we all *usually* choose to ignore. prefering instead the mass method of sit and wait and think it through.....

many would call it 'being patient'....letting things set and waiting for the right time to act, for someone, something to act on our behalf. situation demands it? society demands it? who set this rule for patience to be mean 'wait n see', holding it in? i think its all subjective *then whatisnotsubjective?* :P

who likes a mat feeling-feeling or a minah feeling-feeling? or how would you rate someone (personally) when he/she has been labelled 'feeling-feeling', too emotional or even often said to think with the heart? i'm sure a majority will vote and go with 'balance'. extremism is not tolerated but yet i feel that many of us still yet have a good grasp of what 'balance' is all about. again, the reason 'subjective'! *gerams* why do we view feelings and emotions negatively and how do we learn to trust our own intuition?

i want to equate feelings with intuition. why? because isn't it intution that tells you not to call that someone because 'something' tells you that your call is going to end up making you even sadder, guiltier *adetakehk?*, angrier, madder but not any lovelier? :D so you end up not making that call even when you want to. even when you think the person might be missing you, or wondering why you didn't call dan macam-macam lagik lar.

so ada value ker tidak nie mat/minah feeling-feeling ehk?

all is well though. maybe it is this lovely rainy weather that is making me sappy :P more senti-mentel or just plain feeling giler ah! so nice to be cuddling up and breathing in steamy meamy hot air rising hehe...another rest day *itsapublicholidaythistuesday!!!* and i will have to work on my study plan and my essays VERY soon *likenow* i have more or less unpacked and settled in my new home in a home. work is good as i have managed to clear much of the filing and already have a good feel of my responsibilities. the void in my heart is filled with peace knowing that i can never be someone i am not and that L.O.V.E is everywhere all around me. may He grant me health and the strength to never look back. be as closer as ever.....

selamat 'berkorban' sumer :) may you have a blessed eidul adha knowing that all is well and that your sacrifices will not go unredeemed.

stay sane,
amyemeelea