The Self wishes all Salam Eid Al Mubarak...

random ad nauseum *firstthigsfirst* >)

i went out to have my mini pre raya celebration yesterday with the other half and besides ending up super hungry when i got home, it was a night i felt very blessed to have someone loved to be by my side. woke up Eid afternoon *hehe* to bobby's cries of "bangun lar!" and replied that i had no motivation to do so cos no have Raya goodies to lure me up from bed! And he said maybe i would like to make a bit of noise and parade outside for a bit so the Makcik pandai masak *ourneighbour* might just send us sample goodies as she did last year! The thought of sambal udang! rendang! ketupat! *arrrgh!salivating!* i stayed in bed for a few more minutes and woke up in shorts and t-shirt to take pictures of the Eid couple in the house wearing baby blue and had a very emo-moment when bobby and shikino took me in their arms to wish a very smelly me a Safe Eid. The apologies struck me and it was one of those very few times that bobby took my hands to kiss it as a form of respect to and elder *beamsproud* sadness overcame when i really wished i had been otherwise...an ELDERWISE!

*raya songs from warna radio in background*

i got to speak to the 3 terrors yesterday and reconfirmed picking them up for the weekend. i didn't get to speak to them today but maybe later tonight or tomorrow morning will try to squeeze bits and see if thier Eid celebrations were fun! i made coffee for myself and showered. Peeked through my phone and read the wishes from friends coming in as early as 830am! *wavesatpoww!* Contentment rushed me to gear up for the day at home. Images of my loved ones rushing here and about to tighten the familial bonds in matching kurungs, the sounds of joyful laughter and hidden regretful sobs rushed past. I'd be looking forward to make my rounds soon, Insyaaallah! Wore my black dress *sombremood* and sent my raya sms replies to all in my phonelist and plonked myself in front of the pc!

*black dog bone on the radio!!!*

"siapakah yang sudi..menghulurkan simpati..." *saaap* nie gua step sedih anak yatim piano lar nie :P tapi gua tak sedih cuma syahdu jer. every year this song reminds me of having to work lar on the first day of Eid. and i'm not alone. i know of many who sacrificed their holidays for others to give in to the rest to be able to revel in the celebrations and give thanks. with belief that there'll be more chances for our turn in days to come. Hari nie awak cuti, besok lusa kita plak lar nyer!! :) Amin!

Alhamdullilah for the past, present and future..As Allah forgives, I forgive. Even myself.

Stay sane and u'd always be in our prayers Insyaallah,
jahatamyemeelea & the 3 terrors namely...Puteri Isabella, Putera Emir Hafeez and the teeny tiny one last but never least, Emira Natasha

its good news from rat race land!

i got a call from titot about the job and she asked me to call the person to reconfirm a date for an interview. so i called and the interview was set for tuesday afternoon. i was to bring another copy of my resume plus certs and i braced myself yet for another session of which i know was going to include me having to answer, "tell me, why psychology?"

so i went to the interview and foggily remembered the locations of Asia Chambers. I used to work in the CBD eaons ago and a part of me still flickers with faint memories of walking up, down and everywhere in the CBD. it was an old building and most would remember Asia Chambers for being the building where you bought your bets! i got lost trying to look for its entrance but i thought that its location was okay. food and amenities were just around its corners. i spied a watsons nearby and a cosy coffee place just across to chill for super early mornings. and i told myself to do a wee bit walk around just to see what more surprises could greet me, right after the other corner IF i had the chance to work here. i went up the lift and asked for ms. poon. the receptionist asked why i was there and told me to fill in yet another form. i sat in the meeting room and received a hello and a few smiles from around me.

i was called into the room and i had to answer exactly why i chose psychology to major and then i was told of the position available. it is support staff for the accounts department but i have to cover reception duties as well. the general administration of the whole office plus the one beside it will be my responsibility. ad hoc duties will come from all departments but it was my first duty to call on the accounts department. no problemo..i was an old hand in multi tasking. i have my own desk and will be alone with no one breathing down my neck so i am a happy camper. they offered me my minimum and an increment of 100 bucks after 3 months confirmation. the receptionist who was going to be trasnferred to customer service was too happy to handover her duties to me there and then while i waited for ms. poon to prepare my appointment letter.

yes!!! i had asked for an appointment letter to be drawn and hopefully signed before i officially stepped in and they OBLIGED. it said 'accounts cum admin assistant' *throwsconfettiallaround* the other half was nice to ask me out for a mini celebration. and as we went through my present commitments and rushed up a to do list, i can't help but feel relieved. very thankful and really couldn't believe my luck. new job, new start in relationship...and yes new questions in class to tackle! new friends! new route to work! otey...i'm overdoing it for a bit.

later today will have to inform my supervisor about having to quit. reason an opporturnity i couldn't pass. even if i know bobby isn't too happy for me to be switching so soon. heck! i didn't think it would have been this soon! but i HAVE to think LONG term. maybe he put a wager on me with wifey *heheheh* for how long i can last this time and i think he already has a time for when i start complaining ;P will start very soon but first my duties to buff those saturates away for yet another few more days.

stay sane,
amyemeelea

me flies!

time really flies and sometimes it seems like it crawls bit by bit. depends on what you're doing and who you are with. it just doesn't stop. i am working nights part-time while i await good news from rat race land. the graveyard shift will and must be accompanied by momok *ghost* stories annd i find myself holding everything in. the people are okay and the best thing about work is that its 5 minutes tops from home. i will endure and try to swallow the boredom and the small frights in between. from red to dark skies, slowly peaking again to hazy morn awaits me a few nights in between my week. i take a deep breath and can only shrug away the grunts. say my thanks and mentally prepare myself for another day.

i saw the 3 terrors! and that was the highlght of my weekend. i got to them late but all was well when i reached the front door. we watched a bit of teevee and jumped into bobby's car for a quick spin. packets of gobbled sweets later, we said our prayers and fell into sleepy slumber by 11pm. it was heaven to be enveloped by thier sweet smells and it was busy romping around the next day for the whole time i was with them. i managed to keep them sane till i had to walk away to report for work. terror 1 and 2 kissed me goodbye and offered me prayers for a safe journey to work, a soft peck on my lips to seal them right to my heart. terror 3 was pouty and could only keep mum. i am truly blessed for my those around me as they helped to tie the loose ends for all the times i have to disappear. kak tina packed me food and bobby & shikino whisked them home! not before a short trip for ice cream and fries! i got pictures and swallowed my tears out, looking in. i really wish i could be with them more often and longer but alas....this is how it has to be for now.

another day in paradise and i hope the 3 cups of coffee i had will not haunt me till late. i will need my shuteye and must focus to look forward. i count my blessings and thank my challenges as they make me strong. for one so obviously pessimistic, i laugh at the times i climb the slippery steps to have a hold on optimistism. i slip and fall but i try and try again. often old scars sting and burn when the drip of my salty tears touch them raw. still in denial i forge ahead. my wounds will heal in time. the vapours those of my warm breath reminds me of my frail humanity and of those around me.

Allah renew my life, mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually :)

stay sane,
amyemeelea

waiting game still...

alhamdullilah....pintu rezeki selalu terbuka hanya kita sahaja yang tidak mahu mencari kuncinya *termasokgua*

more updates on the job hunt but be prepared for some laughs in between. jangan anjat sua! :)

stay sane,
amyemeelea

sniff...

i found my way to the teevee ad website, life before death when i looked through the pages of the papers today. now i know, he doesn't blink because he has lost most of his sight to the cancer and insyaallah...the stories of human resilience hopefully might bring forth a more open and compassionate society.

*sniff*

called to reconfirm my interview but was told instead that she sent me an email to inform that they have found someone to fill the position. thank god i called cos i didn't receive no email and it would have been a wasted trip and i might just have to break my fast cos of unmentionables *hehe* so i ran through the classifieds again and printed out pages for shikino from a reference website. i should finish painting the iron wrought gate already! but it will have to wait maybe till tomorrow or friday. a bit later i will go for a late evening mass interview at the factory nearby and i hope *pleaseeeeeeee!* to get that night shift job to tide me over. time seem to past by so fast! its already been more than a month of rest :) and i can't bring myself to talk about school. or anything!!! *blankness*

hopes up high to see the 3 terrors this weekend but who knows what tomorrow brings.

stay sane,
amyemeelea

Moods microcosm…

No raya songs! So am switched to 92.4FM. I couldn’t sleep last night so finished the piece for her secrets. read the many intresting tips at Askmen.com and am wondering about that ad on teeve where you see this man, unblinking speaking to camera and telling everyone he has lung cancer. He goes on to say he wants to share his stories on life before death. The screen goes blank and you have a web address. I wrote the address down but I must have gotten it wrong because I was lead to an insurance website >(

I read through my emails and followed up with my calls. Kak tina’s boy got beaten because of a staring incident and I can’t believe how my perspective now has changed when I heard that his girlfriend who was present and who acted as witness for the police didn’t do anything while she was there! She just stood there to watch him being beaten and helped sent him back afterwards. Aper siak!!!!! maner lu nyer kepala otak! But…she is 15 and the reason was “am in state of panic” so I guess its good to know that nothing terribly serious happened to either of them.

The IRAS summons I received for non submission got waived! Yeahooo! I just need to log on to their website and file my taxes *phew* titot called and she’s going to help me hand deliver my resume to her boss’s friend who is need of an admin person because there’s something wrong with their email server. So hope that goes well! *amin!* then a bit later I will need to sexplain to bobby about the electronic filing system that the courts now so favour and see what can be done there. It says here that the Sevice Bereau or the Family Court staff will not be able to help draft or check my documents before I file them. And if the courts finds that they are incorrect, they WILL have to reject them. Part of the filing fees will be refunded if I decide not to re-file and it says here that if I need advice or assistance I should approach a lawyer (costs about 300 bucks or more sey!!!!) or IF I qualify for assitance from the Legal Aid Bereau I can try to contact them. *tariktarikrambut* apsal lar gua takmo jadik lawyer! Doctor! Magistrate!! But slowly and surely I’ll suss out the knots and work the system.

And hello to ole and new acquaintances from multiply!! I created my multiply account so that I can view the pictures and keep in touch with my friends. And recently updated the linky to auto update my blog from blogger ;) cos my dearest friend nanin told me it was the best way to catch up with some of our ole schoolamtes. I also have a frienster account which I am unable to log into till now because I lost my password and the email address I used to retrive is no longer working. And I have a pending request to create a my space account from bestday burstday boy so that we can linky. So to all you peeps who found your way into the Self Center, please remind yourself that this is a personal blog and its contents is all about......

“ME WHO WHAT AND WHY...PRACTICES AND BELIEVES IN SELF-HEALING. LOVES TO READ AND LAUGHS ALOT, MORE OFTEN THAN NOT SAID TO WORSHIP THE DEVIL. ALSO KNOWN TO SPOUT A WHOLE LOTTA CRAP TO FRIEND, FOE OR FUM. CHECK YOURSELF IN AT YOUR OWN RISK YOU WHO WHAT AND WHY....”

or maybe i should really think about using that block option thingyt hey have on these sites?

stay sane and hello!!!! maybe goodbye? ;)
amyemeelea

i wasn't hibernating...and hello IBU barooo!

i had to retype my assignment to bobby's pc and the other half passed his thumbdrive to me so that i'd be able to save my work and avoid mishaps and unhappy crashes. BUT! not only i didn't save a copy to any of my email accounts but i didn't save any into the thumbdrive. to serve me RIGHT, bobby's pc crashed on friday morn! *argggh* he came back but there was nothing he could do to revive the old machine. i could almost kick myself but i didn't. instead i asked if bobby would mind if i transfered my cpu to his room instead. i needed a workstation with a working internet line mah for school and future work :) and alhamdullillah! he said okay.

and aha! the transfer worked but my digivoice line in my room went kaput :( that's a real bummer man cos i really liked having my own phone line but maybe i can tap into bobby's phoneline later and see if that works! yeah!!! >) the weird thing is that when i tried to fix his cpu in my room to revive my digivoice the damn thing worked! so there is still hope yet in retriving my work from there via my swanky thumbdrive and this time i'd be real careful about saving my work. acck! just realised how paranoidly kiasu singaporean i sound :P well, better be safe than sorry.

a new week ahead all lined up for me and really do appreciate the doas all around. another interview on wednesday and hopefully a fixed part time at raffles city to help tide me over. the guys in capitaland heard about my application at the ascott and called me up to offer me the concierge position instantly! i really wished i could say yes but current commitments make it hard for me to accept shift work. priorities babe....its the weekends for the 3 terrors or i'd have to bail. still, phyllis was so nice to offer help and fix a part time schedule for me, so that i could earn the extras while waiting for a positive reply from somewhere out there in big fat rat race land! :P still, no promises are made but i'm keeping my hopes up.

didn't get to see the 3 terrors but no sweat, there will be plenty of time next week and the weeks after that. since i didn't get to spend the first day of eid for two consecutive years already, i really hope THIS year it will be different. it really looks like i have to get a court order to make it happen but i think it is necessary that they are made aware that I as STILL the BIRTHMOTHER to the 3 TERRORS have ALL THE RIGHTS in the world to want to spend MORE time with my children.

so terror 1 >) i understand that you want to follow your papa and ibu *new* on the 1st and 2nd day of eid. i am really sorry if my insistance that you follow MY ORDERS and request this time hurts you in anyway at all. BUT i hope you understand that I HAVE to do this not because i do not respect your wants, but because there are many lessons for all of us *andiMEANALLofusinvolved* to LEARN. you have to learn that i will always love you, and love will sometimes manifest itself as a selfish ogre! it is my duty to teach and help you understand to recognize that ogre. don't worry it is not an evil-i-will-destroy-eat-you-up ogre but more like SHREK the ogre *hehehehe* i just promise you won't regret spending the holidays with me. i can't promise you the new clothes, the buy-you-everything-you-want that papa & ibu *ahems* promised you. BUT! i can promise you i will never ever TRY TO BUY your love, because i know how expensive your love is and i so i will not insult ANY OF YOU by even trying >D

stay sane,
amyemeelea a.k.a mama lama who still retains all her birthrights over the 3 terrors *kapish?!*

and so the email read...

in anticipation and trying to ignore the sense of urgency of it all i received this reply from the logistics company.


From : Ismalyia Ismail
Reply-To :
Sent : Thursday, October 5, 2006 6:46 AM
To : "Emeelea Sani"
CC : "Lim Ai Ling" , "Sherry Lim"
Subject : RE: Logistics Clerk Offer

Hi Emeelea,

We regret to inform you that we can only give rate lower than your expected
range of rate. We cannot offer you as the position but we thank you for your effort.

Thank you.
Yours sincerely,
XXXXXX Singapore

i felt sad and a teeny tad disapointed but i read and read and re-read the above reply and it put a smile on my face. i'm now sniggering and i know if i were to read the above again, i'd probably burst out laughing! no offence to the person who wrote the above reply. she probably was told by her superiors exactly the above to use as reply :P

He knows best of course and if my rezeki is not there then it must be awaiting for me somewhere else better and more fufilling, Insyaallah.

stay sane,
amyemeelea

its official..

that i am flat downright broke dardey!!! i just came back from another interview, a second one for a temp position for the Ascott Group. this time for another department because somehow they froze the other one i applied for or that could well have been an excuse :P but i couldn't miss another chance and go get a glimpse of the fantastic view that thier office have in Temasek Towers...and of course another shot of trying to get a job.

so...i came back to an empty house, bobby and shikino are both merrily busy at work still and tried to sit down to unclutter my vibes. which means sorting my room, my emails, the bits and pieces around the house and in concurrent my thoughts. i changed, switched on the pc and prayed that the cable and broadband is still working and ta-daaa!!!!! both died *blueeek* i didn't even get to transfer my files to yahoo briefcase and now have to retype everything, that! or borrow shikino's thumbdrive and clumsily *avoidgettingelectrocuted* try to transfer the files manually..ya da da yaa yaaa daaaa.... *urgh!!*

oh so sad no more cable but this means more work on school gets done and more reading. as if i don't have enough already!!! but i'm a happy camper in my own dialectic world. even not having money doesn't bother me as much as before.. YET :)

stay sane not broke,
amyemeelea

lampu lap lip...

my bro called just in time and i was whisked away in his new car. next destination is to break our fast with his in laws. as a nice gesture to include me in their plans, the dad asked if i knew of places to suggest so i suggested mak's place at near jalan masjid. it was weird but i tried not to feel out of place. i just wanted everyone to be happy and i have always wanted to feel what bobby felt when he speaks nothing but fantastic things about his family. it was part validation for me and a chance to peek into his world in hopes to find keys to his happiness that i could replicate.

and he has a wonderful family. his father in law gives him directions. his mom in law is adamant that he's the handsomest guy on earth *hehehe* and his bro in law dotes on him and knows all his favourites. the guy bought him a belt with a thundercats buckle for god's sake! :) he has a loving caring wifey who shares all his concerns and ends up buying him a car so that he doesn't have to face the dangers of being on the road on a bike. and he can't do any wrong being around kids as testified by mine truly.

so i am happy he is very happy with his family. doing all the things we missed in the past having a set of parents to dote on and be doted on. being wanted and loved and respected all in one. when before maybe its just assumptions and guessing games, now being able to be privy and feel what it is like to be part of his family, i am grateful my bro ended up with all of the above and wish him all the luck and sucess of the good that has come his way. must remind to keep my mouth shut though as i don't want your mum in law to puke right after we finish dinner and go with the flow. best is to refrain from making such suggestions as i do not know them well yet still thank both of you for making the space to squeeze me in. who doesn't want to be such happy campers :D

well, that is out of my head. now i'm watching another repeat of singapore idols finals. i forgot how i really liked some of the contestants this year and seeing ms emily the getai singer made me shout out loud! *haha!* rahimah the rock chick still has her halo of intensity warpped about her. and yeah..my bibir sek jon leong did not win but my guess is that he'd do pretty good after the show. what do i think about hady winning? he deserves it nuff said but i still can't place him in a genre of with a cretain style. or maybe that's why he won! fresh, kewt *cutelar* and versatile could maybe be his trademark or his X factor. so all the best anak melayooOoooo, make singapore proud babe and can you please quit popping up in my dreams? its getting a lil bit creepy up there *muahahah*

my gawd!!! its rahimah rahim senior dah!!! otey...gua tahu gua lambat banyak tapak ah for not catching the show much earlier :P so over and out till i blog again.

stay sane and rock on,
amyemeelea

keinginan...

kau seorang lelaki berjiwa baqa yang mampu mengalirkan airmata untuk ingatan. kau idola pujaan kerana seorang lelaki yang sedia menerima segala teguran. kau aku puja kujunjung setinggi langit kerana kau lelaki yang memberi madu, setelah menerima racun. kau biar kubelai hilang amarah selalu kerana kau lelaki tenang dan lapang dada. kau tak putus aku kucup manja kerana kau seorang lelaki yang baik sangka. kau akan terus tersemat dalam sanubari sebagai bidadara kerana kau lelaki yang tak pernah putus asa........

segalanya menjadi satu lembar keinginan menyatu jati di ruang tabir hidupku......

aku akan kehilangan kau tapi aku ingin menjadi seorang perempuan yang tahan menerima sebuah kehilangan. aku akan rasa sangat papa dan tandus tanpa kau tapi aku ingin jadi perempuan yang tidak takut pada kemiskinan. aku akan jering perih memulas kesakitan tanpa kau tapi aku ingin jadi seorang perempuan yang tabah menangung kerinduan setelah ditinggalkan. aku merasa terdampar hampa kerana tiada tempat mengadu tapi aku ingin jadi seorang perempuan yang tidak meminta-minta agar di penuhi segala keinginan.......

as it always happens, the inspiration came amidst the chatter and stories of love and friendship among a bunch of very *anggukangguk* nice and chummy people i met today for powwster's surprise *whichwasnotreallyonehehe* burstday party.
there was mar and hubby, poww and prince harry, sham and the boys and last but not least neneng!!! :) pokok kata there was love all around. stories about frustation hubby didn't want to hear about work vents *lol* a pledge from a sweet child who didn't want to marry to take care of mama dearest :) the lost stories of yesteryear about trips to the clinic :D quiet yearnings of lost time whispered hushes of apologies and tiny vibrations of divine inspiration keeping itself underwraps just so that it will soon birth nothing short of miracles! *phew*

all in all...my heart goes to my collective muses for tonight. till we meet again again and again.....

stay sane,
amyemeelea

fear...

have you ever ran the race of your life and came out at best top 3; when you stand at the finish line only to be told that you didn't't win the medal because you didn't register to participate in the race in the first place? then they add the clause, immediate disqualification for not wanting to register in the first place because the rules were that you must have had a sex operation to be eligible to participate. another clause below also needed you to be 3 legged or something like that :p

so my guess is that stuff like that happens in muay thai boxing and in thailand. where dreams do come true and you get to do your sex change operation because you won the money in the local muay thai boxing championship. of course you couldn't tell the organizers why you wanted to win so bad and yes, you had hell to pay. no make up, no nail polish, no lipstick!!! *LOLOL* BUT later you get to tell the whole world about how you came to be the woman you are and the hardest thing you had to do was to break your opponent's nose *andprefablyotherbodyparts* when all you can think of was HOW NOT TO because it so happens that your opponent is this chiselled faced man with a tight butt.

i laughed when i read the news but cried when i saw the movie.

have you ever feared for your life for somethings you need to come to a decision to? but you set aside the fear and get to a decision. then just when you thought you had it all planned out and kaboom! it hit you that making generalised pledges and promises does naught. and i just made this or so recent discovery when i was told i haven't been planning my life as i should. intentions are just not considered as good plans. so what good is promising to love another forever?! how do you plan to do it? your intention is good but i need details. how? when? define forever and love in the context of what you have just promised me *gagforcevomit* and when asked to go into details i usually try my very best to SEXPLAIN hence always putting both feet into mouth. worst case scenarios, feet into other orfices *hehehe*

but!!! the night is still not lost to my ramblings and hope you guys will make full use of the nights after :)

stay sane,
amyemeelea

Ramadhan...

i'm off to see the kids later and will be cracking my brains about how to entertain the 3 terrors without tiring myself out. terror 1 will be joining us the adults in training for ramadhan and i hope she will be able to take it. then, next week production will start and i'll be busy in the office. nights will be spent hopefully with terawih sessions and also finishing up my assigment due for 3rd of october. i just hope i won't miss anygoals or datelines. so far so good and i'm slowly picking up pace and space. will be on standby 24hours by the looks of it as i just want the delivery schedule to run smooth.

met up with faizal and imran last friday and as usual the guys crack me up. so good to see both doing so well and i can't wait for them to pass me the copy of the kl trip we took last year. haha! and that i know would be fun. imran bought a new honda *thebasket* and again had me think about his offer to work in his company. well, i hope i can see and make best out of the opporturnities given :p heavy duty convos man! but haven't had the time to really sit down to blog about it. there's more cos before that met up with zuq mermaid and had a blast watching jatt ali perform live! and i hope you'll get better babe ;) so before terror 1 starts calling me nons top i better make a run for it!

need to go now and will update soon and oh! selamat menjalankan ibadah pusasa sumer :)

stay sane,
amyemeelea

Loading freeloaders….

Tired, lonely nights bite into my body warmth and leave sharp icicles of needy wants embedded tight under my skin, they of which prick me black and blue. Although this makes me rub my hands in purposeful glee, so here I am updating my blog :P

Its been drizzling all day and I left the house in mid afternoon to see a friend who was willing to give me a job. Yes! A job! Albeit it would be, one that has no benefits whatsoever and pays only per project basis. The best jobs I have had in the past have always been recommendations from friends and ex colleagues who have an inkling of what I am worth so I have always expected them to be fair. So far, my experiences working in such given situations and arrangements have been great. Yes, the pay is not much. The stability incongruent only because these are usually family owned or self started businesses. I am not one who demands much, only enough to cover my overhead, pay the bills and usually never in full. The end bits here and there are for treats, usually reserved for my kids. I have not been shopping, eating out, watch movies or even had the budget to offer friends who I really care about a good time. So why I am seriously considering the offer then right? I actually already said yes because the way I see it, I’d rather be doing something new for minimum wage, also learn new skills and make new meaningful relationships in the process than earning more per hour working as a factory worker.

Someone told me I should just stamp the letters FOC in bold across my forehead. I laugh it off, of course as usual. Labels mean nothing to me and I’m in the midst of starting a personal collection anyway :p bobby chided me once that I should stop being a freeloader and that he has friends just like me, who tend to keep asking things for free or won’t do anything for free. The difference is that *ahems* with me is probably and usually because I’m NOT shy about saying yes to things given away FOR free or for a reasonable fee. Or maybe the repayment terms are right *usuallylong* and I won’t hesitate to say yes if I feel and know that I’d be good for repayment pronto in one way or another. one good turn deserves another! share and share alike! You scratch my back and I will gladly scratch yours! I could tell a good joke, bore you to tears, walk from outram mrt to city hall! You name it and I will do it for you if I you think I am worth the moolah and the time.

Therefore, the part that I am not going to be able to give as much as I want to give monetarily to the some of the most important people in my life made me think even harder. the guilt persists and the thought, if whether my selfish reasons for working on minimum wage is a good choice is bugging the hell out of me right now. This is because I’ve been on the receiving end for so long and it hurts to know that I’m not going to be able to give back in due time. Arghh! The agony…..

stay sane,
amyemeelea

ps: kalau ada apa-apa yang free, takmo malu tepon gua jer. freetime pong free jugak!

some things are not meant to be...

the week passed and as usual, the troughs of ups and downs this week bordered on both extremes. i think i am getting the hang of it. trying to let go the euphoria and fear that comes tagging along with every wave was fairly easy. i just had to make sure i rode firmly and easy and not get overboard. i went to more interviews and sucess came very close. so wish me luck again today :)

i met up with family over the weekend and that cheered me up tremendously. i was initially afraid that i'd be too happy since it was a sombre affair. bobby said i shouldn't feel that way since my family knows me very well and won't hold it up against me. my cousin just lost his wife to cancer but i'm glad to say he's one tough guy. we are one strong, very tight bunch so promises were made to meet up often. i also had lunches with my friends and caught up with thier busy lives. listened patiently to ex colleagues rant about work and patiently sieved through the nitty gritties of my daily life with as much patience i can muster in a single breath. all perfectionists are huge procastinators hehe so we put off to do the work needed just because we are afraid doing a lousy job on it :P *adejerreason*

i couldn't meet up with poww cos there was a slight change in plans but i'm really looking forward to see her when she gets back from new york *waves* wish i could have made it still but duty calls ;) just spoke to sham over the phone about the importance of having good self esteem. i know its hard to keep up when we fell so drabby and so unglam from taking up the responsibilties and thinking about the sacrifices we have made. but!! we have to remind ourselves that love does not judge. its more helpful to bring the insecurities into pure natural light and love all the flaws you see. neon flourescent light is never flattering ah! so jangan tka jadik ah kita nyer next date!!! *woooohooo!*

am i an extrovert or introvert?? that was the question that was posed to me over lunch the other day. i think i am an extrovert but i enjoy my bouts of solitude extremely which makes me an introvert? well, that was the opinion of ms noorticataitai anyway :P so ho hum...la di daaa..

stay sane,
amyemeelea

This is before I go…

Finally the call came for me to pick up my cheque!! But immediately after I plagued by daymares. The thought of trying to do everything at once and the thought of having to think of where the next pay cheque comes. Everytime I see someone, the first thing they ask is whether I have gotten a job *sheesh* and then I stutter before affirming their heartfelt, practical question. I went back to sleep in hopes that I could really enjoy the feeling of lying in bed and drowning whatever sleepiness from before. I wanted to just drown in the smells of my bed. I just wanted to block the incessant cries of get up and do something…I just wanted to enjoy being in bed.

I know I won’t be able to do this when I finally start work. It is something that I really look forward too. it is something that I hope will drown the howling cries of responsibilities I need to fulfill. As my being is being pulled in different directions I try to focus on only one. Which is to fill my self with gratitude. No matter how small no matter how big it might shine at me, I wouldn’t give anything up to truly be in the NOW. full stop. end guilt *muehehehe*

So, off I go to collect and my dues and run some errands. In hopes that the wind blows at me gently to bring me close to all that I hold dear. Every step I take will be in prayer that I will be able to experience life as it is. no more no less. I wonder what today brings! But I know that whatever comes I’ll be ready, no more stuttering, no more sheepish smiles, no more blushing cheeks and no more halted steps!

Onward walk, march then to run. To grab the moment as it comes.

"I think the reason we don't organise society in that way can be summed up in the aphorism, 'idle hands are the devil's tool'. In other words, institutions fear idle populations because an Idler is a thinker and thinkers are not welcome addition to most social situations. Thinkers become malcontents, that's almost a substitute word for idle, 'malcontent'. Essentially we are all kept very busy...under no circumstances are you to quietly inspect the contents of your own mind. Freud called introspection 'morbid' - unhealthy, introverted, anti-social, possibley neurotic, potentially pathological." - Terence Mckenna

Yahoo! Yeabedabedooo!!! The rain has stopped and away the fleeting memories of my daymares :) floating away above the winds, that still reminds me! Gua bau busyuk ah…belum mandi hehehehehehe……yea yea…anak dara femalas! Matahari da naik dinihari baru nak bangun :p *oops* otey so I’m not the anak dara ah! >)

Stay sane,
amyemeelea

Much ado about many things…

Like I take the time to title every blog entry or take 2mins tops to think of a title and go go go!! so forgive me if at times u feel cheated when the title and content don't quite sit very well.

Another well spent weekend I must say, but too bad no pictures were taken because I didn’t put top priority to buying baterries for the camera. The reserves where needed elsewhere ;) so! It was a fun weekend for the 3 terrors, they made new friends and as expected, they were spotted to be super active. just look at the pic (courtesy of powwsters!) not one of the 3 terrors looked at the camera ler. and needless to say, running around trying to entertain 4 boys and 4 girls all below 12 years was one cool trip. i got the help of powwsters and the che sham and all was well until after the short break and terror 1 complained we didn't get to finish touring the centre. Terror 2 and 3 kinda spoiled the plan after getting thoroughly wet!! Will get the other 2 ala makciks*hehehe* to pass some more of the fotos they took. We went from one exhibit to another and zipped all around in and out of the science centre to explore the over 6000 or was it 600 exhibits? We saw a live iguana or some huge lizard (it was confiscated from some home) in the ecogarden and I wondered why it wasn’t sent to the zoo if it was an endangered species or something. And I didn’t know the tortoise we found the other day was an endangered species too! I convinced kak guy to let it go when they complained it was a smelly thing and kak tina thought it brought bad luck to the household. Skalik it was an ‘indian star’ tortoise dar…*tsk* knew there was something special with that one. But I guess, it wasn’t meant to be part of the household when it could have brought us trouble with the law. Can you imagine telling them we ‘accidentally’ found the tortoise! Sure tak percaya one. After a very tiring day, the kids slept like logs till 11am the next day :) but i'm glad they really enjoyed the outing. much heartfelt thanks to the 2 ala makciks and family that made it happen! and on Sunday we went swimming! We made another set of friends that day too and my short swimming lesson teaching terror no. 1 got curious stares from other parents. I told her that if she wants me to teach then she won’t be able to play-play and she has to think of me as her coach rather than mum. She spotted the difference and actually surprised me when she managed to actually listen and duly comply to my instructions. Then as a reward we all went to the baby pool to play catch. Terror 2 and 3 were not at all intrested to be bossed around so they stayed away, until after we all got to chill at the baby pool and happily splashed around. One parent asked if I taught swimming lessons to kids and funny I actually did think of it this week *hohum*

A call to ask if my cheque was ready for collection proved to be a bummer. I asked someone out on a date today that I thought would be pretty cool. There’s this free screening of short local films at the substation on every 1st Tuesday of every month!! Then later we could go lepak and talk about the films and who knows learn something more about him. Pendek kata! *shortsay*I think I scared him off for being to arty farty tak? I have no idea siak! So instead, will go to jaybee with the fab che shasha and hubby at 9pm :p and the search for my purusha will go on!

stay sane,
amyemeelea

obat oh obat...

Hands up how many of you are still boggled by fact that reason why singapore needs to import foreign talent is to make up for the shortage of babies in singapore? Well…today is the errmmm 3rd day that I am officially jobless. So I had time to kinda race through the blogospehre for some comments on the most recent National Day Rally Speech. I missed out on the celebrations because I was unusually distracted *lameexcuse* current clique can’t be bothered to pick through the lines with me so thank god for the internet! *clapclapclapsukasorang* So anyway, this is another worrying trend that so telling of our singaporeaness *iftherissuchathing* which is to correlate a to b when they have no CORRELATION whatsoever!!!! This reminds me to please remind myself to pay more attention to social psychology classes in time to come.

It is raining and my plans to go out cycling today had to be cancelled. The best thing is, bobby just asked me out for dinner! Cos shikino the wifey has this bollywood themed school graduation thingy at the Traders Hotel to attend. I’m just happy because its been ages since we last went out just the two of us. I’m just a sappy sentimental okay, no have nothing against my sis in law!!! Swear!! *eheeheehe* the crick in my neck is almost gone *yeahooo!* and all thanks to powwsters who called me immediately after my last post for some good ole loving medicine. She forced me out of the house when all I wanted to do; was to do my clearence at Crown so that they will prepare my cheque quick! And then back home to mope and sleep off the pain in my neck. In the end, I didn’t do my clearence on that day but spent the whole day yapping and shopping and overdosed on salmon. The fever broke midway when we were at bugis and the crick in my neck non existant while we chomped away happily at ikoi restaurant. Having the super busy che nyce around was a bonus!!! She was supposed to be late because she had this super important meeting with the ceo of hpl resorts or something but in the end we were the ones late for dinner hehe…sowi nyce, traffic was really a killer. After dinner we went to look for a book that nyce had to have for work. Congrats on the promotion! Saaaap!!! Member da jadik project manager, bley mintak belanja lebeih *hikhikhik* and the best of the best of the best thing that could have happened that day, was I fell in love with a pair of shoes and powwsters ended up buying the two pairs for me! *sobsob* I better stop the drama before she takes the two pairs and throw it at my face :P I would have put pics of the shoes but the batteries on the camera just went dead *dehem!* The day ended with a trip to shams place to lepak before we both shared a cab home. She has 3! Very adorable boys and a very cosy place but powwsters kinda tripped me abit went while we were in the cab, on the way to telok blangah, the only way she could direct the taxi driver was to describe it as "alrr…you know the place where that girl was killed, whats her name? Neh nak? Mah nak?" I went like?! “oinks! Buat seram jer lah…da lar melam buter nie” hehehehe…so in the end we did find her place but we couldn’t hang to long because powwsters had an early morning and I had a curfew! I think sham would kill me if I put up her pic here though but yes! It was a super duper day!

I finally did my clearence the next day and then went to have dinner with *ahems* over at our fave yong tau foo place. And to him I would like to say, “Accept whatever comes to you woven in the patterns of your destiny, for what could more aptly fit your needs?” and that’s me pretending to be Marcus Aurelius :P besok besok besok! I will try my best NOT to sms india at 90 cents per sms and pleaseeeeeeeeee!!! let me be the one to ACE that job interview and get the job on the spot to boot! >P

Stay sane,
amyemeelea

crick in my neck...

i am suffering the worst crick in my neck evar! and i only have myself to blame. the long awaited email tak sampai but i guess that just means somethings are not meant to be. my sweet bro just called to remind me of the week ahead and very nice enough to tell me about a job opening in town. but how am i going to get out of the house when my neck hurts sooooooo bad! i'm so grouchy you won't believe.

so later i need to drop by kak tina's to pick up my badge then i need to do my clearence at crown so that i can get my pay. hopefully in time to pay for my bills. i think its best i get off my butt to do something and work up a sweat because i lied down for two whole days but its not getting better. i never believed in painkillers but i think i'm going to down a few panadols to help me today. my neck feels like its so sore! how to go for interviews sey :(

i can't even carry the weight of my head *dehem* so if i'm down and out please forgive me. i'm that bad when i'm sick.

apologies to nis for missing womad. i promise to make it to the next party :) and to powwsters, hope the celebration went great! now i feel like puking my guts out...

stay sane,
amyemeelea

best!!!

bobby was nice enough to lend me his bike he got for his birthday this year and i had really wanted to find something sporty to do hence it was cycling!!! knowing how rough i could be, he risked lending me his bike and even woke me up early on sunday. or! maybe he just didn't want me to tag along to his weekend sports sunday with his friends *hehe* but really that is how very supportive my bro is :) i had asked tash along but she forgot it was her maid's weekend off so after a lazy sunday morning sleeping in slightly late i set off to cycle all the way to Singapore Sports School and back...alone.

it's been probably years since i have been on a bicycle and i didn't really trust myself and was quite afraid but the need was a tad too strong, so cycle i did! it was great! tough the first few minutes because i had to figure the gears and find my own rythm and when i did it was exhilarating. i plugged in to class 95 and found myself singing and enjoying the hot sun. i didn't notice that the tyres were bit flat till after i reached the school and headed back to find the 'petrol place behind admiralty mrt' to pump the tyres and *hehe* but mana ada petrol station dar! turns out it was small bicyle shop bobby told me hunt for. so i put on my i-know-how-to-do-this stance and pumped away till i realised that the back tyres just wouldn't inflate. panicked for abit and called my bro and said , "eh! i busted your the rear tyre ah! how much to change ah?" to which he replied, "do you know how to pump or not?!" *siaked* " of course ah! kau ingat aku bodo ker?" :P so in the end i just got the guy to change it and paid 6 bucks for it. the ride back was even better! so i continued and rode further up till i felt really sweaty and rode back.

my legs cramped a bit but it was worth it ah :D and i swore i would make it a more regular thing. for the weekends when the 3 terrors are not with me at least. hopefully it could help me keep off the smokes but i wouldn't really bet on it *muahahah* i chilled under the block and rewarded myself with a cold drink afterwards and felt really happy because i did it!! *proudofmeself* the bike is still in the hallway and i can't wait to go again. will ask bobby to teach me to stash it away properly so that i don't have to bother him next time round.

i also went for a movie. two in fact last week and saw pirates of the carribean at the new cathay and it was good. earlier saw hard candy but it gave me a headache. very intense arr that movie but it was nice. have much reading to do and am looking forward to see kids tomorrow. work slides in easy at least these past few days, counting down to my last day and having many thoughts about what to do next. am really glad that i don't have to put up with the constipated enviroment :P still...i do hope i can find something part time to tide over the overhead. mummy dearest called to set a date and bring me out makan and celebrate my last day!! and nyce called just now to date me out for womad next weekend!!! *woohoo!!* i hope to meet up with sham and powwsters soon and well....till the next cross in the road ;)

stay sane and have a great weekend ahead! *breathless*
amyemeelea