rife with ulterior motives.

like why poke poke me in facebook like for the gazillionth time huhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh? but the witty repartee made my day hehe..too bad his status read 'in a relationship' and should i be reading any thruth into it? espescailly when mine still reads 'married' :p

i'm seriously thinking of deleting my facebook profile but it hasn't turned scary yet. at most just minor mishaps of reading too much into the 'typo' of things. can't say ALL are freudian slips huh? well, i enjoy the camaderie of solipismsssssssssssss no matter how banal it can get at times. *jumpswithjoyforFAILBOOK*

can you fake a social life? actually its so damn easy nowsadays, the number of friends you have (in this steady graph, the higher you go apprently is good) equals too how 'busy' or how 'happening' your social life is. but how's that evil huh? well it depends on how you put it into context right? from your own perspective of course.

and you're safe till you start looking at the number of friends you have and wonder why it goes up and down erratically and then send some frantic messages across to ask 'are you there or NOT there' every few days or so. i stopped it when i realised that i was becoming facebook stalker *muahahaha*

so a prominent ex minister died and we got a live telecast. the news were all about waht he did and who he did it with. a small gesture to remind us of our roots and history anyway. i didn't think it would piss off anyone till i read a shout to say 'we are wasting time, money bla bla bla when no one is watching.' my first reaction is where's is your sense of patriotism? and the other was, i wonder if they are rehearsing for the BIG LTOkay-why death somehow? does anyone remember if we had a live telecast of President Ong Teng Cheong's death huh? that said, Mr Goh...I think you did a splendid job as a Minister and although i do not GET why some of your policies haven't changed somewaht since you retired in 1984...i salute you Sir! May you rest in peace.

then my mumi had to tell me she sees me on facebook pretty late. which is not weird at all considering the fact that i have yet again fucked up my sleep clock. i go around reading status updates, checking out new photos and generally spare the one liners to people who matter on my list. yeaps, helps with soccer co-ordianting too since all the gals in the team has an account. espescailly those below age 23 :D but most of all its a good excuse (very narcistic if you ask me) to use the number of friends you have as a reason you don't get out to meet and greet people who do matter.

fwen no 147 : hey! i haven't seen you for ages and it takes forever to book a date out with you. don't you love/care/like/want to me see me anymore!!! *whinewhine* so lets do something pronto!

moi : of course i love/care/like/want to meet you silly! but have you SEEN the number of friends i have?

fwen147 : yeah man...you have 1234 frens altogether! so hot man..are you sellling drugs or something?

moi: yeaps..and in a year, we have only 365 days sometimes less so IF i were to meet every single one of them individually each day to sahow how much i love/care/like/want to be with them. guess what would ahppen?

fwen147: err....mass orgy?

*slapslap*

moi : no lar!! then when will i have time to sleep, shitte, read or do anything else huh?

:p

on a few occasions they just laugh it off and forgive me lar but most often than that i'd get a big stare of "WTF" back at me >D

as a rule, i personally don't add anyone i do not know personally to my list and HUGE no no to family aged 40 and above (that keeps the brothers, sister in laws, uncles and aunties at safe distance) then i kinda felt bad when i didn't add moms and pops of really really close friends. aunts an uncles included so i added them ONLY after making sure they stay on the restricted access thingy. which took a lot of time to do creating these privacy lists! *grrrrr* till i realised, it was never meant to be anything serious at all. hence..i stopped...i don't get much requests anyway *hurhurhur*

*brakessssssssss* the bridezilla on lithium just called me and ask about 'bunga sri lat lat'??????????? i told her to use it in a sentence and she told me her friends just smsed to explain its the flowers held by the groom usually with sirih and what not and that she's so confused already. here confused means - could you do it for me please? *UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH* i told her that it was her mak andam's responsibility to ensure its to be given to the groom together with his clothes to wear on sunday and to not worry about it since her wedding is naturally MODERN. why should she think it important anyway? *prfttttttttttttttttttt*

i hate unpreparedness.

now I've just lost ALL my mood again cos bobi just knocked on my door with a letter from the bank!

KILL me plssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss..like NOW.

stay sane,
j.amyemeelea

ps: if i DO wave goodbye to rows of you while walking through the customs gate at the airport by end of this year. I AM CHANGING MY CAREER TO DREAMER MAKE CAME TRUER!!! its hello~~ miles and miles of sand and goodbyeeeeeeeeeeeeeee hurts and disappointments. don't worry about the terrors, they'd be thrilled to know they can actually FLY over for hols. truly the concept of 'hijrah' needs my focus and attention now. thanks debster...i owe you babysitting hours when i get there *hugssssssssssssssssssskish* nope..tell donster i don't mind the camels because i have work experience in the stables LOLOLOL...err, do camels live in stables or not ehk?

Pungguk

Sunyi sepi
Degupan berapi
Waktu ini
Tak berdiri
Entah mati

Hati ini
Tiada lagi
Dicalit hitam
Tidak pergi
Mungkin selamanya

Jangan bicara
Biar tuli
Mati hati
Tiada peduli
Memori pergi

Belai diri
Belenggu kasih
Beda segalanya
Pasrah rembulan
Aku terima

........

Tulus seadanya,
Melati

Never be your setting stone

Starlite bintang brite

1^st bintang, I see tonite

I wish I may, I DOA I mite

God forbid I be your bride

EVAR! ---- !!!!!

*muahahahaha* yeah....the idea was corny!! And forgive me I'm suffering from 'mantrax' again, that's a clued-cluedo that I've been binging on Sex in da city :p PLUS...mat kental got me hooked on Olivia wildeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee *meowrrrrrrrrrrr*

And that's lethal as a combo *cough*

So I was at my sister's yesterday trying to calm the nerves of my niece whose gonna be a bride in give and take 2 weeks pronto! Everyone gets the nerves even the grooms but of course, the macho species just ride it as they know how. Which is, well...macho is as macho does – nothing.

My niece on the other hand, ACTS like a bundle of frazzled nerves on lithium! I nearly had to choke her *really* plus a few tight slaps to sober her up and keep her on reality track. OF COURSE I am happy she's getting married for god sakes BUT I had to remind her "love is blind; marriage gives you back your sight".

I am the 'aunt-slash-sister' sitter to the bride. Basically, I am to *try* negotiate (drill into her skull somehow) into my niece's pure wedded bliss idealism; her mom's well worn wisdom of womanhood backed up by years and years of experience. I TRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! Then, I am also in charge of the bride's room. Actually I MADE sure I was in charge because I didn't believe in paying a farken 2 thousand dollars for decor-on-loan. Only to have it torn down right afterwards *prrft* Sometimes immediately.

Better spend the money on FOR keeps I say and so together we invested the money, time and loads of sweat to do up a nice simple yet TASTEFULLY done decor that they could enjoy for loOOooooooong after the wedding is over. Kind of like pay back for all those years babysitting my 3 terrors:) and to top it off, the bride even agreed with me and is doing all her gifts for him by herself. Yeaps...call me a practical romantic lar but seriously, why shouldn't you do them? I did mine wot? :p

The mom also added:-

• Bunga rampai duty
  
• Mak andam to mom of bride and aunts duty
  
• Dulang hantaran security duty
  
• Change sheets for the 2 day event duty (we wanted both days to be different)
  
• Co-ordinator for 'bride surprise' duty
  
• Last but not least, the greet host by the gazebo duty
  

*phew* I take it all as practice yo! No no, NOT for my impending wedding (a gal can hope *sigh*) but more so in preparation for the terrors. Which is far far far farrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr away. Hopefully by then, mama terror has millions stashed away under the mattress. The truth is Money DOES solve a lot of wedding problems ;P

And I think I'm doing a good job so far hehe. T the wedding is still on and no one has gotten beaten or killed. There were of course the usual skirmishes and the wedding nearly got 'postponed' which in 'Malay wedding terms' is as good as cancelled cos *ahems* the groom had problems. Pandemonium was kept in check because the young guns humbly took the advice and solutions from the elders. It goes without saying that the groom left a very bad taste in everybody's mouth except for the bride *hurhurhur*

UGH...love em or hate them. Well, it's more wedding bells a ringing these coming months and I've got to do what I've always done. Be there IF invited :D

As always, I'd be macho about it and chuck my sharp cynicism out the door so that I'd look sweet, demure and as the family hopes charmingggggggggggggggggggggg wanita melayu terakhir in my kebaya. I did negotiate to wear pants with my top to no avail. They even forbade me to cut my hair! I couldn't even get past wearing a simple kurung on her nikah day *slapforehead*

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...I HATE weddings! Unless its mine lar hehehehehe...and THAT I won't have to worry about lar cos gua memang kaweng selalu, nikah jer sekalik *buahahahahah*

Stay sane,

J.amyemeelea trying NOT to go bonkers with all these wedding talk *barf*

Ps: astaga! Please ehkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk...no tragedy oktober please and no more mahligai mu dari airmata ku songs arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..gua PROMISE (and may lightning strike if i do) takmo rain on your parade :D but hell yes I DONT mind to be singing ala duffy at the top of my lungs. Orh and yes...anyone speaks to me about October weddings will be barfed upon so bad, you'd have vomit in all your orifices FOR DAYS on end! Choose lagu lain for me to sing bley? PUHLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

mystery solved..

Thomas S. Monson once said:
Perhaps the surest test of an individual's integrity is his refusal to do or say anything that would damage his self-respect.

*jeng jeng jeng*

lynx updated her facebook status with "sometimes people put up walls not to keep people out but to see who cares enough to break it down". i read it and couldn't help but smile. i know quite a few people like that. its not necessarily a very good strategy if you want to gain trust from your peers but situationally placed...anything that works best (based on your own experience) shall reap the end goal desired. i LOVE to generalise (a broad brush just makes things easier to finish painting) and call everyone a black kettle but yeaps, truth is i'm jus a wee lil pee-pot my self and BLACK to boot :D

and yes..... the self went poof! for a bit because i was spooked by the ghost of crapdoodle! *lolol* i managed to exorcise the demon (it was a wolf in chicken feathers so to speak) though!! *huraaaaaaaaaay* and come what may..the self is here to stay *amen* its easy once you know how. i did it with a few carefully placed words, lots of understanding and patience, a wee bit of effort and most importantly sincerity from the heart and thats all that are needed to scare away these demons in thier many guises. never underestimate the 'power of silent talking'. abg don sent me an email late april with tips on how to maximise it and then came the ultimate power booster from akhi halim. i have it here and for those intrested for a translation, holler people ;)

how to change any type of fear, tips when faced with demons (whether its a **thing or person)


- FACE it, people/thing. (this is the HARDEST)
- watch and listen.
- project love and patience to the person/thing with compassion in an Endeavour to understand and even enjoy.
- this way you're allowing people/thing to voice their insecurities. You're standing tall for people/thing by momentarily subjugating your ego's needs for theirs.
- you are becoming pro-active rather than re-active and standing tall for people/thing.
- you'd realise you are in fact controlling your dialogue so that the other person/thing can talk and feel more secure.
- no need to dominate, because you don't have to compete.


**i beleive even things have feelings and they might not be able to 'voice it out' but if you 'listen' hard enough, you could definately 'hear' it speak. just like songs?

take above steps and practice as often as you can when you're faced with your demons (devils wear prada or in my case polo/tissot, which makes it easier to face). You will feel scared, confused, angry maybe or even plain right disgusted at first. bit by bit you will realize that by taking the above steps, its fun not to have to do things that you don't want or not like to feel more secure (like go poof! when you really don't want to or say something you don't mean at all). in time, you get to go with the flow with much clarity and peace :) realization will dawn within that you are in fact perpetually secure (FEARLESS! in fact) and the answers to all your ignorance or mystery love songs will be SHOWN to you. sometimes answers LITERALLY thrown at you and shake you up to positive action. ehk? scrap the song ok...that belongs to another story!!:p the booster is in arab though and meant for fellow muslims. BUT! don't let it faze you. rest easy that affirmations/supplications made in ANY language will find it ways ;)

"Allahumma arinal haqqa haqqan warzuq nattiba’ah wa arinal batila batilan warzuqnajtinabah"

now that i'm not living in nauseating fear. what do i do? hunt the terrors down, clean my room, finish my assignments, pack for australia, search for a job, search for a house/room/tree, get my butt back up straight and the list goes on and on and OOOOOOOnnnnnnnnnnn...*arrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!* everything on my next to do list looks like another set of crapdoodle to deal with *prrrft* mak ton is right, i should be called "amy search-ING"

alas........if my search is for the TRUTH, then amy searching pon amy searching lar! and i ain't scared of any truth....even if its as humiliatingly scary as crapdoodle.

stay sane,
j.amyemeelea

ps: biks...thank you for the nudge. banana might fruit 2-3 times but this time...da injek mandul. pisang tinggal hiasan hehehehe...

dehemit argh!

pray tell me where is the compassion in a father?
he who swore to love unconditionally
of his blood loins to protect and shelter to death may they part
till the end of all the angers and hate of this world
his breathe till shallow may he does his dampest to provide

and what pray tell me?
what and why why why
could a father be so cruel
to defy the most sacred of bonds of blood
the ties that bind him and his offspring
that neither you nor i can deny

lame is he who leans on excuses as such
that borders of craziness and pure sloth
of greed and the heights of untamed jealousy
could it be that a father be so unjustly devoid
of a kernel pure undulatered love

where did it all go this father figure of ideals
if not into deep slumber of hate and blackness untrue
will he succumb and leave us to die devoid of all
can it be that the who, what and why why why
escaped from the very sanctity that protects our ties
of verily ones that you call your
daugthers and son

to the end...will you reap what you sow of regrets
one after the other through rendered apologies too late
wish and hope as we may,
father...

in the end
we can only look back and remember how
you forgot your promises of ideal
for that dear father
forgive us if we may fray and run ragged
unable to look you in the eye and come surrender
for time will tell and so will truth prevail

@}---/-------

own up!

i am one of those peeps who wll not own up to my own fart!

REVELATION!

*lol*

weekend came and went and although i must say i enjoyed every single second of it, i go feel a tiny twige of regret as well. BUT! in cases of self denial, i shall NOT own up to it instead....

i shall preservere to dig deep into my books!

and sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

for tomorrow is another day at the office :p

plus my papers to write and also to fill in my journal in big tent. wait! not forgettting countdown to a meeting with legal aid next week after work. hrmmmmmmm...so i shall get that spanking new phone right? shall i go with the android or not ehk? or should i stick to a symbian nokia? UGH...

why does surah An-Nisa keep popping up?

okay...investigate besok..

stay sane,
j.amyemeelea

pity is as pity does..

damien rice does a mean cover of the song creep by radiohead and i'm in the mood. melancholy slips and under its heaviness i seek for the tiniest bit of warmth. ah well..

i had a conversation yesterday and somehow and somewhere goondu me got struck by a sense of vulnerabilty. you know how convos flow and one thing leads to another and then you kinda open up. aha! i thought...emancipation! release!!! *gulps* i swallowed my pride and in that moment opened that part of myself that i've kept so well hidden by my machoness. yeah~...why oh why do we feel strong by putting up that cold cold exterior of toughness? so hell lar! i beat my ego to a pulp and out gushed a question of self value. i needed external validation and so i seeked NOT caring to see what's truly in front of me. you could say i was lulled by a false sense of security. wanting this person to save you.

and in reaching out....instead of empathy, sympathy or compassion as i had expected. YES! i felt owed by my generosity to share my fear and was expecting all of the above when the life out of me got slimed instead by pity. i was dumbstruck. i fell into shock. it felt like a tingle for a second and then the slime of it all suffocated all the breath out of me and i...i...i went NINJA. i went poof! i went OFFLINE *gagggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg*

i stared at the screen in front of me and i felt totally alone. the sense of betrayal made me out like somekind of a weirdo. without my armour of condesendance i was totally whacked out of rationality. there i was telling this person how dejected and lonely i felt. and he fucked me with "there..there person. don't worry God will help you. i was once like you." and what the hell was that suppose to mean??! *prfffffffft* so you know what i did?

i cried like a pussy.

:p

i believed my sudden dissapearence kinda made him think about what he said in reply. he reached out and guessed correctly that i was offended. TO HELL i was! but you know what? the tears cleared the slime away. i mean...he didn't intentionally mean anything bad. he was just being him. so i texted him and told him to forget it *gritteeth* i'm being a prick and it wasn't anything he said. i understand where he was coming from and GO BE HAPPY. i'm cool with it. i figured that he was trying to 'put himself' in my shoes and make me feel better by telling me to look at how well he turned out. isn't that what he was trying to do? >)share his success story a bit?

*puke*

i pulled up the covers and breathed in deep. switched on to youtube and yeah he succeeded to convince me to go back online. i shouldn't really succumb could i? to such mild ignorance? turn the other cheek i told myself. he's simple-minded and that's exactly what he expects if EVER he threw open his vulnerability open! i should have considered the facts about him waaaaaaaaaaay before opening my wounds to him like that. like fcuk me lar! so silly kan? by accepting that it's my fault to even begin with and promising myself that NO MORE fcuks ups this time or any other time, i managed to feel human again.

i shall give him credit lar for making the efforts to cover his tracks afterwards. we steered away from the emo crap whereby then i was already on my own cbt highway. yessiree...its okay to accept pity. its OKAY to be pitied because the danger is not in the pitied but in the PITIER.

Aristotle described pity in his Rhetoric: "Let pity, then, be a kind of pain in the case of an apparent destructive or painful harm of one not deserving to encounter it, which one might expect oneself, or one of one's own, to suffer, and this when it seems near". basically Aristotle said when people pity their acquaintance, taking into account that when one pities another, they are not close as in kinship. they need to be out the outside and know that its NOT them whose experiencing the tragedy. which is why pity is different of from empathy, sympathy and even compassion. David Hume observed that pity which has in it a strong mixture of good-will, is nearly allied to contempt, which is a species of dislike, with a mixture of pride. It is an emotion that almost always results from an encounter with a real or perceived unfortunate, injured, or pathetic creature.A person experiencing pity will experience a combination of intense sorrow and mercy for the person or creature, often giving the pitied some kind of aid, physical help, and/or financial assistance.

so you know..it works out at the end of the day. once the pitied understands how psychologically harmful this is, one can act with Nietzsche pointers and turn the tables on the pitier. in an act of defense! deal with the imbalanced powerplay and rip the negativity away. before...it turns extremely negative BUT well....what is done cannot be undone. one could choose to be ambivalent as i have in hopes to turn mystic *hurhurhur*

**above in some parts flinched in TOTAL from wikipedia ah. distracted from schoolwork! but yeah...GO-blog works as a purge-hellhole.

okay otak penat, hati pun macam bengkak-bengkak siots!

stay sane,

j.amyemeelea

ps: yer sayer emosik! da tua ah... :)

another kickball day

kickball day and the usual bullshit about not needing or wanting complications. its all about FUN. OF course lar! who doesn't want to be funnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn?!!! GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...finger hurts cos i didn't wear gloves while playing goalie. then i also have nice raised welts on my right thigh from someones boots today. which means NO skirts or dresses! but its friday anyway and i shall have the weekend to recover.

all n all it was a good kick about session. i pespired like a pig and ate like one afters. shared a cab with kiddo back home. on the way back there was an accident. the suzuki swift went turtle! it was white and the cab driver also agreed the guy MUST have been speeding. ahhhhh....again, lebai came to mind. he drove a swift what! but i managed to shoo away the thoughts before they turn me bonkers with no sleep. let the past be where they are. rationalising and talking my way out of memories is a neat trick! as i told ismet, let time tell lar and heal *amin*

i won't be seeing mr. tee tomorrow. tired siaked. i don't think i can talk soccer after today. ENOUGH! tomorrow..i shall come back and settle in bed with lapicits and my beloved books. will i turn up for soccer with the lil tikes on saturday? maybe not, i should be typing away on my papers. all those can wait a while more. i have committed myself for 2 months of english tutoring *gah* but the extra 60 bucks or so will come in handy. also, i hope to do a little bit for girl-girl with what little i can offer. after may, with any improvement, THEY can find a REAL tutor!

is this how mama felt before? trying to help in little ways?

so its another weekend with the terrors this week. we are going to watch a puppet show yeayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy....i have to pick up terror 2 and 3 from punggol first then terror 1 from school camp at 6pm on saturday. after that its home sweet home and lepak sunday! maybe this time we can play monopoly as a family and spend some quality time in front of teevee hehehe...

budget NOT helping! i screwed it again. well, there is NEXT month and Alhamdullillah...He's been kind. GOOD news is that i'm on leave this monday muahahahahahahahahaha....but right after i send the kids home. i have class at darul furqan. i've been reading up on prof syeh naquib al attas and his contributions. somehow, his writings on malay philosophy resonates.

i can't wait to see his papers! we are going through them line by line...which is sexciting :p halfway through zen and motorcycle right now and i wonder about quality too. i found stuff in there from the classics worth second and few more reflections. maybe i can share them with biks on our trip to batam. or maybe biks would just like to indulge in being still?

east west conundrum! i miss talking and discussing my thoughts with lebai :( even though he can be pretty daft with his replies. defensive most of the time! but i miss the banter and steady chatter. mr. supercop is quiet THANK GOD and another mini twin cop just got axed! NOPE....not gonna bend my rules and make the same mistake again. i WILL NOT and AM NOT about to go out with an attached guy. so the jack neo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hurhurhurhur.......he's the current local tiger woods making waves in the news. i missed out on parliment dehemit! but managed to catch up with priceless gems of top quotes from google reader. i believe a certain minister was caught sleeping on camera :p

now....sleep.

stay sane,
j.amyemeelea

ps: or insane?

daze days i laze..

its was 1 hell of a day. its only tuesday and the requests from ms.menjeng, who i suppose is going through pmsey window calendar break now, vented and ranted her attitude at me. it didn't help that i was feeling bloated myself and slept only at 3am last. the whole day she was being such a bitch but ms. bijik kinda levelled my moods by becoming my pain drain. it just pours over her and she relishes it with hunger. go figure, some people thrive on bitterness :p yeay! hurrah for me *emptied*

class ended slightly later last night and ms. glumsugah just had to chat up the other 2 gals. it was nearly 11pm! and we both stay in woodlands for goodness sake. i had to literally scream her away. she's been on medical leave for FAR too long so i told myself to cut her some slack. lo and behold, i DID miss the bus home from the interchange. luckily i mananged to hop on 912 just in the nick of time. fooh! at least i didn't have to grab a cab or trek from the interchange back home. i was in HEELS yo! so hell NO WAY was i gonna do that. i finally reached home at about midnite or so and was ravenous. i heated asam pedas from the fridge and loaded it with an egg. surprisingly, i was still feeling peckish after a few bread slices later. what to do? flinched smoked salmon from fridge and warmed up the last crossaint. topped it with cream cheese and washed down everyting with a tall glass of milk *burp* while munching, i caught an episode of mentalist happily then tinkered with the journal on big tent. thoughts entered plus notes on class before i forced myself to quit the night. tick tock the clock chased fast to 6am!

the forum is still empty, the guys have all registered but none have made the attempt to introduce themselves. as reqyested IN PRINT. so you can visualise my class on Islamic Worldview :p the front row will be where all the guys are and then us gals rows behind. so far i believe there are 9 of us going strong but its been only our 3rd week. so far so good, progress on the slides and the topic has switchd on to higher gear. akhi always makes me laugh with his smooth delivery of content and the witty jibes at our own understanding . some didn't smart at all *smirk*

paradigm shifting.

instead, the personal anecdotes from akhi and also open calls for discussion interminent in class prove to be thought provoking. we are discssing Adab now..and there's a chance for me to pick up a smattering of arabic. ms. blushmerah and ms. cleopolitikus BOTH speak arabic since young! *gulps* all i know is i am enjoying class but need to focus some time on papers too.

yes, you read it right. i'm back hitting the books and writting academically now. GAH! APA format!!! i just had to review the points again and will set my sample papers and working papers in order tomorrow. shitte lar....terror 1 installed this avatar chat thingy that is still UNINSTALLING. that's it, they are banned without supervision on lapicits *belaibelai*

its a trip to the library tomorrow lapicits so now its time to hit the sack amidst my selected readings *prrrrrrrrrrrrrrft* i shall find time later in really LULL moments to write about taking the terrors on an urban trek last weekend. maybe while taking a break at lee kong chian :p

stay sane,
j.amyemeelea

ps: knowing that there are places for things, doesn't mean that you know how to place these things in thier proper places.~ Akhi last night..*ponderlazeeeeeeeeeeee*

all because of the iphone..

teror 1 called and she was threatening me with failings in her tests, dying of hunger and also tweaking on her sensitivities ALL because today she found out that m1is giving out the iphone for free. IF we signed up for a line with them.

apprently iphone fever has gripped her. she plays with the iphone, borrowed of course from bobi, shikino, anis manis, the supercop and loads of her otehr friends whom she says ALL have iphones. brought to school some more!

i listened patiently to her rant and did raise my voice at her when i heard her scream at her siblings to hurry up. she was on her way home from the center. i saw the clock and its just 20 mins to 8pm. i wonder what took her so long to take the bus home. i didn't dare say anyting but had thought its pretty normal. peak hours between 6pm to 7pm can be crazy. everybody rushing home and all.

she spoke to me all the way home from the center and at the doorstep, i heard the stepmom shouting about their lateness. she asked in her shrill voice, where did they go and terror 1 was about to explain or rather put the blame on terror 2 who lagged behind as always. she didn't say goodbye but she put down abruptly when she was asked by the stepmom who it was on the phone.

she texted me a few minutes later "I have my friend to talk to because you are not there for me". to which i replied immediately with "you put down the phone without saying goodbye and you can tell me i am not there? U want me to go over now?" and i totally emant what i said. i knew she was having a lousy day so i waited and she did call back with an explanation, "i TER-press red button and the line got cut off". I took her apology graciously and asked her again why the iphone was so important. i nagged of course and reminded her of the last debt of 700 bucks i still have t celar off with starhub due to her playing with the phone :( she calmed down a bit.

we tried to stike a deal and spoke about compromises. we had discussed about making silly bets, hedging risks against failing her exams and downright silly tantrums but she took on to the idea of saving quite well. that is if she could save all her daily pocket money and not die first of hunger. i pooh-poohed her threats and no way was it going to work on me!

just then, the stepmom peeked in again and asked in gruff if she had any homework and who was she talking to? terror 1 just squeaked and the step mom brushed her off with "why are you speaking/looking at me that way. If you can't be bothered to do your homework then thats your problem. just pull out the mattress and go to sleep." terror 1 swallowed her tears and i asked if that was the stepmom and enquired about what she said. Terror 1 just replied with a tired "you heard her right?"

I told myself to be strong and stiffled my peevishness by telling her to be patient and i know its rough. we talke somemore and planned for the weekend. i had hoped to see her and the rest to have fun. romp about and forget the week's horrors. they were all doing theier tests this week and after. i reminded her about the puppet show i had booked for ALL of us to go. she of course didn't thaw that fast to my warmth of happy thoughts but talking about animals made her cheer up a bit. we tlaked about horses and about going prawning. maybe visit her uncles and have a movie marathon somewhat.

which reminds me that i need to get that cable for the tv in my room. it was about 9pm and my e71 felt very warm. i soothed her some more with palns for a short getaway to club med, or maybe a place they could romp about with the sun, the sea, the sand. in that way they have always been my kids. my terrors always able to get up and go! think positive without losing that touch of sensibilties.

i reminded her that we all go thorugh bad days and good days. its all about being strong and starting on the right thoughts, followed by actions and always to be grateful for the little things. deep down, i know she just misses someone who would want to hear about her wants, her needs and her stories. i tried to smile thorugh the phone and said goodbye. i told her to rest as i needed to get back home too. i was at mama tina's having quick dinner hehe.

she yawned and i made her promise me to stretch like the lil kitten that she will always be to me and rest. go to sleep. we had our usual scuffle of who to hang up first and i lost. i hung up and then texted her. reminded her she was strong, brave and all more my sensitive princess always. she's the one who keeps me sane. it ended with goodnight sweetheart.

i hope she will remember to wake me up tomorrow and i shall remind myself to text her a good morning. the sun will be shining and so will the ripe pickings of hope and grace of the world out there for our takings. gosh....i miss them so much.

but i know...it shall be worth the sweet pangs of longing that will make our meet especially sticky sweet. please be patient awhile more my wee terrors! cos mama is coming with promise of fresh adventures however small and ordinarily mundane.

*prrfttttttttttt!* all because of an iphone! *gah*

stay sane,
j,amyemeelea

ps: AND the scorned woman has called. out of anger that her scam and all guiles has broken fallen apart. so apparently i have messed with the wrong person but as if i care. well i cared enough and well i have to bear the brunt of course >) come on over ms. hullaballo-of-hot-air. lu ingat GUA TAKOT KAPA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! main darah? UGH~ please i don't EVARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR take scraps. cheyyyyyyyyyyyy...kalau tidak namer gua bukan jahat woo..i heard your aunt went HAH?! when just a few days before she was warbling mad woman taking sides of the the guilty one. too bad hombre...if you do really think you have a case. BINGIT on! ;)

on this occasion..

i have so much to say but i have only the energy to quote from wiki!

"Occasionalism is a philosophical theory about causation which says that created substances cannot be efficient causes of events. Instead, all events are taken to be caused directly by God himself. (A related theory, which has been called 'occasional causation', also denies a link of efficient causation between mundane events, but may differ as to the identity of the true cause that replaces them).[1] The theory states that the illusion of efficient causation between mundane events arises out of God's habitual causing of one event after another. However, there is no necessary connection between the two: it is not that the first event causes God to cause the second event: rather, God first causes one and then causes the other."

the thing is....how the hell did i miss this ehk? reading ALL that stuff on philosophy bla bla bla?

more thoughts on above later because.....just popped to flu pills...i need a break man.

stay sane,

j.amyemeelea

fooh february!

another 2 more weeks to go and here comes mad march! i had a looooooooooooong weekend with the terrors and it must have been a 'normal' enough weekend that they rewarded me with a nice "alo mama!!" phonecall today *grins*

it wasn't anything fancy and we had the pleasure of a kind (but i really doubt this) soul taking ALL of us out for the movie "the imaginarium of dr. parnasuss" and makan at spize. i thought i saw a familiar face who seemed shocked i had 3 terrors in tow but yeaps....TOTAL TIGA beb ;)*flickshair* the movie was was was confusing for the terrors as they were dressed for a romp in the hot sun. instead we had to endure a highly fantastical movie about making choices and the damn cold in the movie theater. FAIL! but bearable lar because the terrors are appreciative freeloaders like their mama *hurhurhur* it was our very first valentine's day but i didn't dare make any comment about it because it might just jinx the mood. then it was more movie time at mama teena's place and loads of homework *bleargh* somewhere in the middle the terrors and me had to go through family counselling with the mighty rotan though. i of course had to swallow tears and listened to the sob stories. sibling rivalry is rife among the terrors but praise be to Him; He who gives us the strength and heal with love to slowly plod against all negativity. we end up sleeping hugging each other every night *awwwwwwwwwsniff*

i still had time for soccer with the gals at east coast but i was angsty. not at the terrors who might have kinda put me in a flux of emotions but more so of a case of a parasite friend. so anyway, we were LUCKY to gain an extra free hour so i could kick with much gusto and poof! my angry angry feelings evaporated. i had the pleasure of welcoming new gals into the team and boy did i enjoy kicking balls! mr. superpoliceman was kind (and as usual longgggggggggwinded) about the hitch back ride home but it was the least i could do and listen to him rant about 'nothing' *UGH* but okaylar small price to pay rather than i had to take the bus back from east coast oits! back to yishun. the terrors were asleep by then and i had the usual round of nitemares to accompany. terror 3 was still awake waiting for me *kishkish* the good thing about not sleeping well is that i woke up earlier than the terrors and made breakfast. made the terrors happy campers.

on the very last day of the extended weekend, i met up with the cellaraid gang for the girly party and we had fun. more plans ahead and all looks good so far till the next event. bobi drove us home and it was an awkward drive back, guards were up but i let my 'condescending' attitude just chill.....*phew*

back to work today still feeling lethargic so headed straight home. i updated myself with family gossip and could not offer much but show of family support. dearest uncle going through some hard times but after talking to him, i'm confident he'd do okay lar. bobi doubt he'd return my call but!!!!!!!!!!! sincerity and genuine warmth (not kaypohness hor) won another round *BOOhoooooooooo!*

i got lapicits to settle down on my my LAP for once and actually wanted to blog about a very special friday night. no mood now..all lost. maybe when i gather my thoughts on another day. work beckons and i don't want to be late ah tomorrow.

tonite......its to conjure dreams of crushes *smacklips* in colors of RED.

Au voire! stay sane!!

j.amyemeelea

ps: there is nothing like a faker farker. they go limp at the merest hint of truth and originality tau TAK! *debik*

looming weekend..

lunch today at the paragon with work guys was *burp* very nostalgic..i saw ex colleagues and then witnessed crown prince hotel which is now park hotel being torn down *sniff*

had one of the bestest dinner last nite with lil dee and her friend wee rosie at rochestor and it totally rocked. i came back pretty mellowed by the grape juice and lamb chops i had. it would seem my appetite is coming back. not unlike terror 2's bits of raging hunger. only food of the tastiest morsels hokay~ *burpPPPPP*

maybe its that time of the month i couldn't be sure but well, as long as its picking up and i gain more meat! no soccer this week and i didn't sign up at the gym yet so its only sexcercise in the bedroom cleaning up my perpetual mess. which! is coming along pretty nicely i must say, except for the fact that i have got clothes all over everywhere *hohum* hence another on the to buy list is something that could hold my clothes. i have thrown out a good number of things i have not worn for a year? maybe more because i keep wearing the same things anyway. i didn't even bother to recyle or anything because many were so worn and tattered anyway.

*thwack!*

i did laundry so that means i have to fold! fold! fold! and youtube is acting up *pout* how like that? uploading pictures now and then also thinking whether i should watch another episode of mentalist while folding up? hell no...maybe tomorrow or during the long weekend ahead. am not sure if the terrors will be let out so standby stuff to do *muahaha* like house work? *gulps* or MAYBE..i could just snooze and be a bear!

it already damn tuesday and on monday i got pissed by 'hakuna matata' *prfttttttttttttt* don't ask me why but yeah...it sounded just SO WRONG that morning. apprently these claws need sharpening *tweakkkkkkkkkkkscreeeeeech* and i might just have found someone to act as scratch post! >) ooOoooo..besh besh but still trying to be the sweet kitty that i am while i can still try to let go. choosing my battles carefully yo! i dragged the last one long enough and costs me 1 of my kitty life. still, i can count on a few stubborn ones more to back me up. no wastage there :) *emptyemptyyyyyyyyyy*

*sigh*

no song will get to this mangled heart, no sweet partying sorrows able to drown the loss i feel. yet honesty is my kindred spirit bearing hope anew. i say a prayer of much love for you, you, you. just please STAY out and don't come back. and to a particular superpoliceman.........*ptuuuuuuuuuuiiiiiiiiiiii* i spit on your disguised ego tactics of oh-much-pity-to-ya offerings.

i can't help you man. i thought i told you that but yet..YET..YETTTTTTTTTTTTT....you chew on my olive branch of peace and tell me its your spit, that's MY CURE? damn..whose the hell do you think you are anyway? go away please with your superpowers. i used to 'own' a superman myself (who could tell time with no watch in sight hurhurhur) but he turned out to be crapdoodle. well yeah..i had something to do with his mutation into a mongstar!!! *just look at mr. green eyes* so before i turn you into shitte, dust....fleeting memory....just chill bro.

look the other way please :D

"I keep six honest men (they taught me all i knew); Their names are What and Why and When and How and Where and Who. ~ Rudyard Kipling, The Elephants Child"

NEXTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT better player PUHLEASE!

stay sane,
jahatamyemeelea

big nite out! its da MUSE i concert

the last huge concert i been to was mc hammer *lolol* ok laugh laugh..but yes. his then wife or still wife, the famous infamous ms. whitney made a guest appearence. so now u know why i bought a pair of mc hammer pants *slapslap!* so after been to many local gigs *okay...notosmany* i decided to..GET tickets to watch MUSE. saosin and rise against (i didn't know of them due to old age) opened for them and it was AWESOME lar! i had wanted to go with terror 1 but its a school night do plans were shelved. the others i knew who were into muse were too broke to go (bobi inculded) so to be fair to ALL i know and knew *sniggers* ..i went ALONE. yes......alone! i took half day leave and then bobi said i was 'buang tebiat' which is slighly mad or neurotic to go to a mega rock concert alone. but why the hell not?! i love muse *dankechepowwandsaikodelica* for first introducing them to me and i haven't stopped loving them eversince. how better than to indulge by going to see them LIVE! i am suffering from aches and pain now. head is thobbing still but it was MEGA gerekness and pengsi to the MAX! they played thier latest and bestest from thier latest album. and seriously....here's a video *my first attempt!* of me at the concert going OI! OI! Oi!!!!!! *jumpjump*

and i promised bobi, who sulked *outofjealousy* that the NEXT concert, i shall ask him if he wants to come. say RADIOHEAD! or PINK FLOYD? he mentioned deep purple lar but hrmmmmm..we'll just have to see about budget :p bobi can't really complain because HE has gone to slipknot and Mr. big hor! and while i was very much delirious to stick within budget and buy the second most expensive tickets, bobi only wanted the VIP ones. oi! beggars can't be choosers and OH yearghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....it was MUSE baybeh! anywa, shikino said, she'd take him to hongkong to watch muse *wowWEEEE* so hey lil bro, i wish someone WOULD damn do that for moi *heheheh*

kasik chan ah akak kau nie kan? ;)



HELOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO jahat!;) *waveswaves* and oh yeah...it was to muse and then back to concuss from muse. too bad mr. superpoliceman? whaddayaEXPECT?! MUAHAHAHAHAH.....that night was meant for me, myself and moi. threes a crowd and to add you? was JUST OUT OF THE PICTURE. thanks for the ride to and back though :D as i said, you did a good job of making sure i was safe. the taxi q was a mile long and damn it was packed. it could have definately gone WILDER but yeah...i shall save my tebiat for the NEXT concert and this time i promise myself....SOBER...i will be SOBER! *woahahahaha*

LOST beb....confirm gua tros LOST...and excerpt below:-

"no ones gonna take me alive. time has come to make things right. you and i must fight for our rights. you and i will fight to survive."

HELL YES..can't say it better myself *wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooHOOOOOOOOOOOOO*

stay sane,
jahatamyemeelea

the beauty of 3

:D

evie evie..

the disciple : gua moi

The skill of reading the silence
The dance within the wind in motion
Sincerity of good will and genuine faith
Let the journey unfold itself through
Wsidom of the unfortold

Friend, confidante and pillar of examplar :
Teacher : Evelyn Kok

April 4th, 2004

missing you but have the best memories of us by our penthouse on the tenth in springdale. the bad the good and in betweens...my prayers and hopes you are well my dearest jock buddy. jock nights and those preening in the bathroom listening to duran duran! *lol* moneky boy and cynthia blues. be safe and loved evie evie...

you are missed teacher :)

stay sane,
amy sani

*orhphew*

it was clementi and i was listening to smooth operator thanks to kak long. she introduced me to george micheal and the pop early 80's. it was my whiny night and she had the pleasure to lull me to sleep. kaka long didn't know what to make of me hehehe but way cool! to curb my tears of being weaned to sleep alone at age 5? she plugged in her walkman to my ears.

sleep i did.

tonight sade is with me again. hooked on the words and the heart thumping beat with jazzy soul. mucho beats that mellows as it grooves each music notch into my memories. a long day indeed and i am looking forward to a much needed dig into my solitary den.

*blinkblink*

still waiting for love to come. a soldier of love *sigh* sade reverberates the loss i feel. yet she also brings faint strings of hope that glimmers irridescant stars in the dark dark night that is mine.

*yawn*

her latest alsbum will be out this february. besides ungu i will get sade and load it into empod-empod. i wonder what's in pitpod? most likely radiohead? or i'd laugh my ass off to ever find zaibaktian in it *muahaha* none of my concern really. i should really stop listening to other people's love songs. yeah riteeeeeeeeeeeeeee......

wallow, dwell...somebody already broke my heart. so there! pray come mr. sandman, send me respite and rest so as i could ride on the tails of the shooting stars above.

stay sane,
jahatamyemeelea

ps: i wonder if terror 2 will love sade as he already loves whats in empod already *kishforehead* yes my son, misplaced trust brings bitter regret and instead of pitpod it should have been PUTpod *lolol* mama terror misses the terrors and most this night my bantak busyuk~ *golekgolek*

pasu pecah..

what can i say, love quarrels are the worst. bobby threw a vase at the wall today. and i knelt down to beg his forgiveness. what can i say...i am stubborn like that. as sinatra song..i did it my way. he's right i never knew help, didn't allow anyone to help. i so proud and that pride is killing us.

me...him...just the 2 of us from the sani & nani clan. one wants to leave but the other refuses to budge and laying down the law of love as reason. doesn't love demand freedom?

all this time, all these years...i know respect can't be given. and i am sorry i had to outright screamed to remind him that i was still his elder sister. only by 1 year. well, that didn't help matters at all. i didn't lose my cool but condescending i was. and for that i knelt and begged to end it there and then. before we killed each other. accidently? or it could be classified as crime of passion.

itu pasu kena kepala gua bocor mambang :')

sorrry is the hardest to say but i think mine doesn't count for nuts. i know you had no choice but to be hard on me. for our love runs deep and for that i humbly fade to black....

for water i am and the dam is broken.

stay sane bobby..for your love of the terrors i shall remind myself that i OWE it to you not mind the words, nor the bitter biting actions of anger. for as you said it yourself, i did nothing sisterly to you these past 30 year of your life and if it at all matters to you....before, now or ever...

i am sorry. i am truly sorry to have been born to be your sister. i cannot promise the future you expect but i can promise you that i will try my very best to do what you have told me today.

crap lar...i feel so shitty.

titik terpaksa cinta

Cintamu semangat aku meredah gelora gelora samudera asmara...
Aku harung gelap busuk malam jiwa menular luka siti aminah
.....dengan untaian titis airmata doa kudus
Merempuh pulas aku mengerang jauh jijik percik hasutan muram justina...
....berkat ketetapan hati murni sepancar sinar
Aku bergelut punah terkilas hampir mati pilu desiran cemburu gila tanti
.....bernyawa kembali ditiup sejuk harapan kata lara hati
Nah, terjunam lemas kali ini pasrah tenggelam airmata tasik bodoh buta shuhaila
...terdampar bujur jasad tak bermaya jiwa akhirnya karam tanpa tanda
Tiada bertepian ombak badai memukul lemah aku kemabli mengaku sumpah
.............
......................
.............................
Cintamu tak akan aku paksa

"Assalamulaikum sayang."

am i late or what?

its been 6 days into the new year and counting.....down as well to another birthday for terror 1 and me! *indenialmode* i can now step-dunno its my birthday and push all the glory of being a year older (and suposedly wiser) to puteri isabella. she's gonna be 10! planning for a concert nite out but its a school night so i doubt she'd be allowed to go on a concert with her mama.

terror 2 aka budak da sunat whose real name is putera emir hafeez called me today from the centre. he's like the degsinated 'call-mama' person and it still puzzles me why the gals do not like to call me *sigh* boys are still mama's darlings huh? it took countless of calls and numerous smses to terror 1! but all is well, they reported happy and adjusting well to life at the student care services centre. what can i say? the green-eyed monster alias thier dad made another very practical arrangement for the kids to go to a student centre after school because they'd be well 'tutored' for over there, rather than at home? says much about your chosen other mr. monster! *clapclap* well at least they are surrounded by friends :) nte to self : visit centre soon

the wee terror 3 starts primary 1 this year and she bought a truckload of stationery to last her till primary 3! provided she doesn't use them up next week. how many colors does a primary 1 gal need??! i have lost count the number of times we went to the bookshop and she got YET another set of colors. this time it was a set of 48 colors! and terror 1 had to assure her many many times that school will provide her with the stuff she needs. i heart my tiny one, she seems so lost as compared to the elder 2. it doesn't help that she's always misunderstood as a tattle-tale. i knw she doesn't mean to rat on them but its just another way for her to gain much huggies from the dad. she knows the tricks of being the youngest! :p looks like she;s getting taller everytime i see her and IF she gets to be taller than me, i'm telling her to join the airlines and be part of a crew. see the world for dishing out coffee, tea and *ahems* good service hehehehe...

all in all, resolution to be a better mom accomplished. by my standards of course!

i shelved my plans to move out to 'cough hill' *bukit batok* because i didn't have the guts to share my plans with bobi. no matter what, his go ahead was what i craved. well, the terrors are moving to woodlands in april! or so my sources tell me. i'm just glad i followed my gut and held it in for a bit more before i spill it all to bobi. god knows how miscontrued it could get, my need for solitude. so smsed bobi today and we agreed to discuss issues (more like updates on the errant sister) over email because either i'm down with migraine right after work or thrashing my melancholy and anger doing something else *kickballs* i miss muay thai and am seriously contemplating doing it more often. gaining weight is still a problem and che. tony even recommended i take steroids *gulps* i was seriously contemplating it! but i remembered the pron flick i 'mistakenly' *ahahahahah* downloaded the other day, featuring *gasppppppppppppppp!* a she who looked more like a HE in terms of muscle composition. *delete!delete!!! DELETE!!!* ugh MY EYES! *arrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh* no more PRON for me! *NOThurhurhruhur*

i can't say i am happy being single. i crave for another but 2009 was a list of nearly but then barely there skirmishes. i haven't gotten over che.diambunoh :) traces of denial still apparent. all in all, many still count as good buds *nobenefitsceptfortheoccasionalkissonthecheek* but hell lar! i had a huge share of sucky sucky major ICKY bad dates. mind you, sometimes the 1st date doesn't at all create that impression till you go on the 2nd, then the 3rd to realise that you're just not into the guy. so you cut the crap and tell it like it is. lately, i don't seem to get the message across quickly enough though. it kinda saddens me that my claws been clipped away and i'm just another tame pussycat *hissscat* and they keep coming BACK for MORE! being nice has never been so depressing.

the recurring message for 2009 was to let go. of everything. of everyone!! of seeing how we all friend/unfriend people and stuff by just a click of a button made me more of a hoarder of the unwanted. my personal space on the internet and elsewhere looks very much like my room hehe. what i really need to do is to clean up and give myself good fengshui perhaps? when i know i'd just rearrange everything and take my time to rummage through the lot, not different from fliiping through an old photo album. that's why my dad made me in charge of painting the house and polishing the knick knacks because HE knew i'd never throw anyting out UNLESS ultimately harmful to myself. yeaps, still a very selfish bastard i am into 2010.

so what did i do on new year's eve? i was trying to say goodbye. plan failed and i still where i am, unable to leave all behind me. no matter how deep i bury them, they each come back to life! every memory, every regret, everything that made me who i am today. here i am now, nothing has changed for me. still single, still gila-gila, very much in doubt and the pessimist streak is still shining brightly amongst the light fluffy clouds of idealistic dreams that is....me. yet, hope smiles at every turn i manage to squeeze myself into. and damn it *tebahbooooooom!* if i don't get THE NUMERO uno message which is to LET GO. empty the cup so that it may fill again.

URGHHHHHHH....sembelit ah... :p

i might just need to think of an enema of sorts to let IT go. well, good luck to me then huh? i shall celebrate small victories then. like making myself eat a whole plate of rice and finishing this entry.

*patpat*

stay sane,
jahatamyemeelea

ps: tata titi tutu? muka awak mcm hantu? eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! otey sayer gelik membaca nyer hehehehe....but sumpah TAK SENGAJA! Dia hanya sekadar memberi aku ruang untuk kembali sedar akan kejalangan petualang yang bernama kau. *syukur* Moga aku cepat sembuh dari gila ini...dan pasrah, tegar lagi kekar berinjak di muka bumi ini. yang setulusnya pasti memberi manis harapan TANPA kehadiran susuk busuk bernama *sekalilagi!* KAU...lebah! abis madu dibuang sepah~ *jeng!*