maintaining real neutrality..

my mind connects neutrality with the pros of neutering. of animals..of gender...its to maintain a position of 'nothingness'.

or rather will it be of perpetual 'sitting on the fence' position? what a balancing act that must be right? and i detest hard work :p

so i tried cleaning up and tinker with the privacy functions of facebook till i GAVE up. i find it easier to act of extremes. either i want you 'off' or 'on' the bandwagon. rumminations in facebook caused by the insistence of che. quetee actualy who demands that i 'facebook' rather than work email. he's touchy about connecting there. i noted he re-added me with usual 'restrictions' *blearghhhhhhhhhh* but for the love of my precious *lightercase*, i humbly *NOTTTTTTTTT* placed him under 2 lists. both non favourable to say the least but it just so happens, my facebook prefers the chaos. i minded for a little while, bent on enforcing 'taste' to mere Faustus facade before i got tired of pretentiousness coming from myself.

so i merely let it be.

i see more peeks (total 23? or was it 24??!) of late and *bows* i am truly curiosest now *grins* kindly excuse melati's rants and over pouring of hearts lamest hurts. she's being melodramatic experimenting with malay as her lingual franca. besides, i hear the lament of che.pidomat whose having a lot of trouble with flipping through the dictionary to understand my current spews? *lol* so...hopefully over the next 10 nights will come clarity ehk?

i'm downloading ufc 118 while typing this. nursing a snotty nose full with green bullets of smuck. yet, i just finished a nice slim 'BAAL' of winner :p mariam says hi! while aunty rose bids goodbye *waves* me pretty chilling to the point that, i might just go for a 'date' with che.supercop ehk? *wailsssssssssssssssss* or really, i would like to cuddle up in my den and entertain thoughts of......

E-N-J-O-T-S-U~~~~~

my oh my~~ how maliciously intertwined the double entente above rolls to be one...

but unbearably intolerant i am to sharing, it shall always and forever be mine. of my dreams alone. which obviously include ALL acts of my understanding. MINE ONLY.

*puurrrr*

kapish~...salam kenonengs *hiccs*

j.amyemeelea

ps: jelita. janda. jorok. jahat. jangan. jenuh. jering. what have yous...
asummptions have always been just labels..you sort them ok?

scribd! no not the webbie ler..

Bahtera berlalu dibawa arus menuju baru
Perahu membawa seribu impian dan harapan
Disimpan teliti moga sampai ke hujung mudik
Lakar satu bakal memahami selari nadi
Bersama teguh taat pada yang Satu
Dimula janji titik noktah terus setia
Intipati hati tak rela dicurangi
Lautan diselam dalam yang paling pasti
Urusan kasih terpatri, sayang yang tidak tertanding peri
.....
Berlayarlah bahtera harapan sang bidadari
Menuju nun jauh sarat berat peluh segala simpanan
Air yang tenang lagi tampan dipandang
Dikocak sang buaya berdamping dikelopak titis airmata
Dilayar sang bayu membawa cuit baur nan hangit
Berlalu waktu agak lekang jenuh putus harapan
Hati berdegup tak puas dengan hanya desiran impian
Sampai nanti ke hujung mudik sergah singgahsana sang raja
Paksa mampu si bidadari pada tiada yang pasti,
..........


Tetap menadah syukur diberi nakhoda, janji sehidup semati


yang kehilangan,
melati

The will of intent...

Bummer. The doc gave me lousy cough syrup and flu meds that don’t cause drowsiness and that's why I’m typing this entry. Been busy a wee bit adjusting (a blast at work) my hours and stuff to learn (all new) while welcoming ramadhan. Even though, I’ve been on ‘off’ for a few days now ;p so it hasn’t been tough or bad. Just extremely floozy with the flu virus that had gone amok. not to forget the dreaded cramps *oooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwww*

The weather hasn’t helped alternating between hot humid days with deep chilly points throughout the weeks before. I’ve been caught in the rain a few times already on the way to and from home. the umbrella i have stashed in my bag doesn't get enough exposure because as always, i'm just too lazy. Since then, I haven’t been out much too. No soccer but thank you for the invites!!! And a few house viewings here and there with loads of chilling in bed under covers make up my days.

of course, I finally met the terrors this weekend and sent a few regrets to some. Che. Swede has touched down singy and owe him a go-see. mr.hiphopcina just asked me out and my watch and ring is with him *bleargh* i told him next change lar, plus the fact I still have his book read halfway. Not to forget,i added a hint to note that I’m really the GOOD gal this fasting month :p Lately I prefer empod for morning stimulation on the bus as opposed to reading. Also because I bought ungu’s latest cd titled ‘penguasa hati’. Roughly ‘ruler of my heart’. the risk for missing bus stop is ona high though. Che. Quetee is also in town after that long break and couldn’t poke him through facebook anymore. Maybe he got pissed I ‘unfriended’ him but seriously....I would really prefer to get to know him in person.

yes, certain things were NOT supposed to happen our last night together but it did. its also more urgent i see quetee soon (not because of guilt heh.) but more for my precioussssssssssssss, sucha precioussssssssss lighter bought last in Australia is with him! earlier, i sent him an SOS email via work :p to remind him I need (YES! NEED!!) it back because it is so the very precioussssssssssssssssss.

Of course, his book is with me too *haha* the one about slash. Did he read mr. Kundera? I doubt so but maybe that the reason he’s been cold? My choice of book was probably TOTALLY way off from cool factor? *sigh* where have all the reading men go? Reminding myself to get him that not-so latest book by Stig Larsson called ‘the girl with the dragon tattoo’. Apparently now it’s on the screens! and he did mention its something he has an eye for. So anyway, apology sent :) let’s hope he doesn’t bear a grudge.

On the home front, or rather the only front that truly matters is that I haven’t found a place yet to call my own. The terrors are relived that I got the job here instead of anywhere else. But I told them that things can still change.
Just not...the will of my intent/s:-

1. No more talking about YOG or things related to politics lest I scare men away (plus girls)
2. Get a place to accommodate cheap day & stay ins with the terrors. Minimum decorum plus a kitchen for cook outs will be best. Bonus = pool!
3. Clear the junk at the office and be more meticulous, maybe try to rope in che. Caddie as mentor. He’s the only one i got. The other has already quit me a long time ago *gulps*
4. Confirm a maybe for ‘methods of ifhtar’ this 28th. The chance for qiamullail shines bright and WISH my will to be brave and make it a reality *amin* aiming for at least the last days to home-lasting-run. Bent on intent to lead to purification. Mind, body & soul.
5. R-a-t-I-o-n *muahahahahaah* and of course Rationalise and ultimately determined execution. done flawlessly undertaken faithfully till end *kapish*
6. Repeat all of the above and not rest till no. 2 is fulfilled as closest as I can will it to be.

....but the rest just might have a go at being first achieved ;)

Orh!! i couldn't forget too!!!!!!!!!!!

7. Must. MUST at all costs respect boundaries of lelabikasos. Plot summary sumer da tahu tinggal hari sexecutionnnnyer sahajer. PRAY I get it off in mirthful pain just like the feel of a good quick swipe of sticky bandaid. adventure beckons as yours look set to full sail ahead so is my mast stiff; ready for the onslaught of stormy skies ahead to my kismet :D

End of post.

But before I go, I need to ask you something. Personally I have gay/lesbian friends and I respect them for and as the individuals they are. Yet, I do not agree with the idea of a gay culture with rights. For a simple reason IF gay values are upheld, how are we to pro-create? Seriously, if everyone decides to go GAY, then are you suggesting we evolve to be hermaphrodite? Just like snails???? so what does that make me? your enemy??

So I have been confused before and YOU said it yourself. you are CONFUSED so yeah I hope you snap out of it and even when you don’t at least I have made my peace with you over minor contentions in beliefs. I could condone the deplorable only because I am too prone to such fall from grace but do let me get a grip on mine without upsetting you. i wasn't and will not force anyone out of their own will.

What about infidelity too? When so many of us are susceptible to be devil’s advocates ourselves? I say, be true to who, what, why you are and stay sane. Life is too short to fuss over details. Yet.............

Sometimes, it’s the arduous task of being virtuous that keeps our desires in check *batok* self censorship is needed I guess to be able to keep incognito amongst the so many self-righteous *puke* using the time to prepare on change. With an assertive yet gentle approach another might be charmed into sharing the same beliefs that I do. anywho, wasn't it you who proposed the ideas?

we can't know who is to say who is neither right nor wrong. The voice of interpretation comes from sincerity and should not be condemning. So? As the merry-go-round of recent muck in my head MUST end...I am truly sorry if I don’t BLINDLY jump-up-in agLEEment with your stand; know that trust comes in time. I’ve withdrawn from foolish my-say-last words combats as those flames take long to heal. Instead you’d find me exclusively silent.

My worst fear far from always being misunderstood is the truth that I cannot stay to be an island *ugh* ALONE??!! So my offering of quiet understanding should be a fair exchange in times of mutual harmony kan kan kan? For didn’t I mention....I will the intention to have future with you.

*kenoneng*

Stay sane,
j.amyemeelea

Ps: small word after all moments is to know minahkumari el sitikus is engaged to che. matdonna!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *GASPPPPPPPPP* and that m/m okachongs are cousins to im and erna *lololol* otey..now tido.

visits

the last time i went to visit them both was when i still mrs. someone. he wanted to visit his brother and since i have 'invested' in the car and maybe part show of dutiful husband, we went to visit. i still do not know how to read the yassin but he shoved the romanised version into my hands to just READ!

since then, there haven't been any visits. i always feigned busy or something always crops up :p *asusual* bobi even slighted me with a mere retort of 'yes, EVERYTHING else is secondary' when i tell him i can't make the visits. my 3rd bro che. kecik shoved a "nah nie kubor BAPAK kau" (HERE! lies YOU dad) nto my face last weekend to which i just smiled to and asked for the mini cangkul.

my trio of elder brothers *salut* have always made the efforts to remember. they VISIT without fail every year and in between them, the personal visits that are not mentioned or made known i could probably guess will number to at best 'few more'. they don't just visit our parents but try to include everyone from grandparents to uncles and aunts. that is the petom offsprings for you.

so yesterday at 8am, bobi and me headed out to jurong to meet bro che.kecik, his wife and my nephew luqman. he brought along wak man, my mom's eldest to join in. my bro no. 1 che. haji camel brought along my oldest nephew farhan. all of us had the standard kopitiam breakfast of coffee, eggs and kaya toast before heading out to lim chu kang. where our dearly departed are resting *gulps* in peace *iwishhhhhhhhhh* my other bro, che. haji gendon couldn't make it due to family commitments so off we went.

it was packed with many other families. we had cars lining all the way into the cemetary. everyone looked busy cleaning up (and looking for) the graves before ramadhan falls unto us to avoid the crowds who hold to the tradition of visiting the dearly departed right on the first day of syawal for many families. the lanes were also flanked by enterprising families who sells flowers (including fake ones), rose water and white cloth to the visitors. they even brought the kids who played in the bushes and roadside but stayed clear of the graveyard. i also saw nyonyas selling chilled drinks to the tired and sweaty visitors. business was fairly good i must say.

sans make up i wore my chaplin tee and jeans. i had my black kerchief over my head and not forgetting my shades to hide the tears which i know are gonna flow incessantly once my sandals touch the soil. errm...the traditional baju kurung is not my thing. i said my prayers plus salutations and first stop was my dad. i could't stop the 'HELLO DAD!' bursting out of my heart and i stopped the smile on my lips once the miss start to cramp in. my elder bros didn't do much because they were nice enough to give bobi and me the opporturnity to 'do our thang'. his place of rest looks clean and there were signs that someone not too long ago came by to offer prayers. for a minute the question lingered to whom? but there wasn't any time for that...NOW IT WAS my turn. as i pulled all the weeds away from his grave and tidied the melor bush on top (he loved his melors) my heart ranted and raved about what i've been thorugh without him. oh how much i miss being daddy's little gal and just like that suddenly i find myself alone with him.

everyone left me to be. i saw bobi's sandals last walking away as i held on and wanted so much to lay my head on the cold tiles to ease the longings i felt. which i didn't because it would have been too melodramatic even for my own family members to witness. from thier angle it could have been a bad shot from a malay drama hurhurhur *horrors!* it was a few more minutes with dad before i leftwith my head dizzy with memories and my feet heavy from guilt.

my maternal uncles took the next 2 spots. one was paman hashim who i remembered wasn't so nice to me. he and my mum was going through a cold war of sorts. he softened up a bit when mama passed but i never really had the chance to get to know him out of fear really of his scowls. yet, his kids and us stayed close as cousins since most weekends we'd all be doing something as a family as hatched by my mom and so it continued to be a tradition of sorts even after she passed. whether he liked it or not hehe. i didn't stay too long at his grave because i was lead urgently to my other uncle. he's my mom's youngest. paman tomin! he was a few plots away and i hurried over to look for him. i could never forget his nasi goreng tomato because i couldn't take spicy food haha! and he had to cook me something special when i was there. he was riddled with kidney failure and his last days were painful and the sight that greeted me upon finding his resting place made me even more wistful for his ever cheery smile.

unlike my dad's or paman hashim's...the only stones to mark his palce of rest was broken slabs of concrete. the headstones were made of wood and it was rotting. there were termites and other creepy crawlies in a frenzy over his grave as we started to clean up. the grass were at least knee high and the weather haven't been kind to his place of rest as the soil has sunked in pretty low. wak man said, the wood planks must have rotted away to explain the sinking. his family has asked NOT to pour concrete over his grave or do anyting to it for fear that he (down below) would have to bear ALL that dead weight. some muslims believe the dead can still feel and hear so they rather NOT aggravate the situation. in some ways i could respect that but the reality is that in a few years time, his grave IF left unattended will dissapear. the small memory of who he was and where he lies now will be no more but another unmarked plot. how the hell will we find his grave to offer our prayers then? i guess, for some..prayers should be offered whenever and wherever.

wak man looked on and asked why. he couldn't understand how his brother's place of rest could have come to such a state. all i could offer was to reply in respect of his family's wishes espescially his wife. he lamented that its no use to have so many kids then if not ONE made an effort to visit. che. haji camel said "so the government is right! we should just stop at 2." :p paman tomin has 5 kids. che. kecik laughed and told me to look at it from a different perspective and said, "its not about him down there but more so on the ones living." i had to bite my tongue there and chipped in harder to clean up. i couldn't forget how he made us so happy with his jokes and offer of adventure whenever we came to visit or went on holidays. it was the least i could do and of course family politics is not my thing.

i walked over to paman hashim's again and took a moment there on my own to remind myself of his generosity. it didn't feel right to leave without telling him how much i admire his courage to stand up for his beliefs (my mom was older so he was considered rude to some) even though it meant that he and my mom didn't talk much and that everyone else in the family tried to butt in. i remembered mama telling me the reason of the cold war was a merely sibling rivalry lar and it wasn't much to think about. in the end, they still loved each other and i had to respect him as my uncle.

we took a break after that and cleaned up a bit. i threw away the newspaper meant to line the car *slapforehead* and i didn't smoke. i was surprised bobi did but thats manhood for you, i knew if i did start lighting up, one of my older brother would slap me right into the ditch :p so i just stole a few smokes from bobi later in the car. wak man and my brothers (excluding bobi anti politkus himself) were still talking about what he could do to convince paman tomin's family to let us make the effort to tidy up a bit. in all that drone my sister in law kak min told me to look around and spot the funny names *hehehehehe* and then we drove off to find my mama and grandparents! i made sure to duck while i was smoking in bobi's car.

mama has recently been relocated and this was me visiting her at a new place of rest. the government had to shift old graves to new ones and they made it built to order *LOLOL* and a family could place up to 16 people in a single grave. my maternal grandmum is right on top, then followed by my granddad, afterwhich was my grandmum's sister. there were a few unknown family member but i saw mama listed at no. 6? there were altogether 8 of them all from the same family tree. i sank down to my knees to remember the where my tears soon follow. she's the lucky one of the Asid brood to be place in the SAME grave as her parents. Wak man is the only surviving member of thier brood and he joked that maybe in future he will be placed in the same grave as his other 2 departed brothers. they will then have a game of guli down there :D

there wasn't anything to clean or do except to offer your prayers for them as best as you know. this new plot of graves were plain and neat rows and rows of names and dates to remember by. no plants and decorations of any kind were allowed on the new plots. there wasn't even space for you to kneel or sit by the side without having ure entire butt on the grave next door. i did see a few mini shrubs and a windmill or two marking some graves though but che. kecik told me, they will be rooted but so as not to have the roots break the concrete. it was by then my emos spent and my heart was eased to know that mama could be happy to be reunited with her parents. although it seems very unlikely they'd be having any conversation down there but i somewhat felt calmed by the fact that she wasn't alone. after being much ostracized in life just to be who she is.

everyone took another smoke brak and as i as standing by the rows and rows of marked graves i saw some that had only 1 name on it. the very marked ones were siti maryam, siti khadijah and i forgot the other last name. 3 solitary graves of unknown women and no father's name mentioned. they were graves moved from kallang (which is a very veryyyyyyyyyy old cemetary) plus there was also very distinct 1 which wrote 'syed something...maulana with 14 others'. che.kecik quizzed me and asked me if i knew why these graves were solitary. i couldn't guess and so he told me that under MUIS law, if they dug out a grave (usually after decadessssssssss) and find that there is STILL a BODY in it. that person cannot share with it with another. or if the person was royalty. he reminded me of stories i read in magazines about bodies never rotting and smelling so sweet even after decades of being buried usually of very pious people. of course if you were incorrigible and horrible, the earth still wouldn't want to claim you but one must assume of only the best of the departed so he urged me (DARED ME) to drop by at night and dot dot dot over the ones i found so different and fascinating. the 3 ladies did pique my curiosity as much as awe in me and as it was oft reminded to me what to do when i visit a makam or by chance pass a grave...i said my prayers for them.

the last to visit was my sister in laws mum. che fatimah is well loved and i heart her so much for giving me kak min. her HUGE brood (i think my sis has 13 siblings) has welcomed our family with much love and over the years made my bro che. kecik so happy too. she has a huge shrub of pandan leaves that we cut and brought home and my bro was impressed with the ease i handle the sharp parang *ahems* and i forgot to ask what my sis intended to do with the many many pandan leaves.

everyone agreed to end day with makan time! briyani hasan rabit sounds LOVELY but bobi has to rush home to shikino. i could have just jumped to join the rest but i didn't feel like letting bobi drive home alone. my brothers reminded me to bring the terrors along soon so that they'd learn too the importance of 'living' just as we did from our mom. i think the terrors would be thrilled and yes, i will try to pitch in bobi to drive us :p

back at home i only had this to sum up for the day~...

"What about the one who will only have his bare face to protect him from his terrible suffering on the Day of Resurrection? It will be said to the evildoers, "Taste what you have earned." Others before them also disbelieved, and the punishment fell on them unawares: God gave them punishment of disgrace in this world to taste; the punishment will be even harder in the Hereafter, if only they knew:"......

Surah Al Zumar, The Throngs - 39:38:24

stay sane,
j.amyemeelea

ps: NOT readyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!

despite..

when the final curtain falls *ticktockticktock* while i still try to fade away....




all i wish to feel is RESPITE...




stay where you both are,
emeelea sani

ps: i mean you lebabikasos

spotted!

there is a rambutan tree (a local fruit) beside the longkang (a drain hehe) i walk past to work everyday! the first time i noticed the fallen fruits by the sidewalk, i was wondering why these peeps chose such a lonely lane to eat thier fruits? and they have the cheek to LITTER as well! >) at least i don't litter like unnecessarily! *prfft* hehehehe

then i noticed that the fruits were not peeled properly (as a human being would) but torn open or some had bite marks on the skin and i got excited. I looked up and around and wow! there was this HUGE rambutan tree just above :p some of the brances hung low enough to reveal bunches of fruit ler. i TOTALLY wanted to take off my shoes and toss it up to see if i could get some to rain on me hurhurhur..but yeah...there were other peeps behind me so it would have been quite a novelty to see me jumping up and down, throwing my shoes in the air. i've been asking the staff if they knew about this but they don't seem to excited about it.

then i also saw a forest rooster! .....and i'm still thinking about how to get those rambutans into my hands. orh! wonder if the are chickens and chicks if there be a rooster around?

which again became topic of the day for me when i met some friends for dinner and drinks recently. NO ONE found it interesting at all :P i guess...its not exactly like i just found an app for the iphone for exchange or maybe have the latest android phone to show off *dehemit* so my convos today go around, work, finding place to stay (locations..locations) then some day to day gossips about peeps around; our way of catching up with others and times.

above topics to break the ice repeats and recently i've found myself with not much to say. or really just lazy to bring about topics to talk about. why do we avoid topics that is closest to or hearts? isn't leading conversations meant to reveal some part of yourself to another as much as it is to blend in as an individual?

i'm not sure if thats the main goal to my hook ups now *sigh* i've turned to be a boring old fuddy duddy! >( or worst!! i am closeted to the monotonous cliches. but i know its really lack of enthusiasm on my part to wade in uncharted unconcious of others. well, you give back what you take what!!! and i'm not taking the quick route of generalisations here.

but...i'm a good listener (if you'd believe me) and if you don't mind the silence yeah...lets hook up :)

sidenote : reading 'the artist's way' by julia cameron and mark bryan. funny how the last time this book came my way...i was in a flux and huge changes. and now it shows itself again through che. mcRick. hrmmmm...."why indeed must "God" be a man? Why not a verb...the most active and dynamic of all?~ mary daly theologian" quote in book just few pages into the introduction hits my senses awry. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH....enough to 'bingit on' me! :p


stay sane,
j.amyemeelea

ps: i'm learning to get out of the way.

another notch up!

today i got off the bus 1 stop BEFORE where i am supposed to and nearly HAD to walk all the way (of an extra 2 kilometres) upHILL to work. thank god for heavy traffic for once because the minute i knew i was at the wrong bus stop, i knocked politely on the bus door to board it once more and pretended to play with my almost DEAD phone for that 1 stop trip *prrrft*

i was 15 minutes LATE already but again...the boss has this habit of strolling in late himself *hurhurhur* so i was safe. not that i want to make it a habit of course *kelipskelips* its been 1 week into work and things are really looking up. the place, the people and work flow have been all 'chilling' (which means totally NOT busy yo!) so i'm smiling more these days. i don't know who won the 'guess amy's nationality' bet among the guys but yeaps...i am a true blue homegrown and bred minah. is it my brown hair? or maybe my eyes? my non -existent accent? (which is only turned up when i need an accent to be understood - i can do a MEAN indian accent acha! hehehe) anyway, the countries up for grabs were philipines, burma, eurasian (is this a country?) indonesian, malaysian - oklar..so all are in asia at least BUT seriously? are we taking up ARMS right now agaisnt non-singaporeans? or maybe are we now a RARE breed?

work is managing the estate and following up on respective tenants needs and complaints (which are many). yeah, the admin side of things are pretty much the same in every industry - make sure our records are updated and money is collected on time. speak with a smile and be genuine in your approach at all times. ok same same...no difficulty there. the place is LUSH with loads of green and its a small estate of only 162 units. its a bit OLD by now standards, as we don't even have a jacuzzi (back in 1983 jacuzzis were?? unhygenic ijit?) at the pool side and no golf course here yeayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! wifi has only been installed at the pool and then nothing.....

the source of sexcitement and drama is with the people staying in the estate. the complains they have and how well READ all of them are with regards to the BY LAWS of the place. just the other day, a lady stormed in the offie to demand an explanation why her kids are not able to play tennis in the sqaush courts. she quoted the laws word for word and SAW that there wasn't ANY clause to mention 'strictly' the rule 'squash court ONLY for sqaush'. BUT i have to mention that she INTRODUCED herself as 'GOD'...yeaps..i asked her for a name to address her properly and she went " its ms. fat or call me GOD for all i care'. It was hard NOT to smirk at that and even HARDER not to just BLURT out a quick comeback at her but we saved the possible replies for AFTER she got what she wanted \cheapthrills/

anyway, now that work is more or less settled...locally >p NEXT up! i'm getting on the speedy highway to skyrocket rental as an option to get OUT of bobi's place for good. then i could strike 'stay with family' off my to do list forever. i am seriously wishing that i had kept springdale as homebase *blearghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh* or chai cheeeeeeeeeee take me BACK to the ghetto yo yo YO! :p

stay sane,
j.amyemeelea

weddings..

>


peektures stolen from facebook because mine suck of course :p the video of the wedding turned out to be great! and yeah...the cynic ala jaded moi when it comes to weddings went into hiding for abit ;) my niece will do alright or even better and i wish all the gals the LOVE of this lifetime and many times over *amin* with oka nana, anis manis, maria fudgey married..last count i have 3 more weddings to look forward to for this bunch of sweethearts *whimper* and yeaps! before that...a nice trip to bali with the gals to make up for lost losssssssssssssst time *bows* let's hope my leave gets approved once i go past my PROBATION at work :D

yeaps.............this wee thang has gotten A JOB :p *yeeeeeeeeeeeHAH* last but not least, the gals made me pose with the sri lalat thingy because ITS a RARE shot of moi in kebaya *gasp* dehemit! i really need to work on how to read html aper kejadah so that i could do the justice for my posts layouts *pouts*

stay sane,
j.amyemeelea

ps: We learn to do something by doing it. There is no other way. ~ John Holt xoxoxox

the peektures from ozzy..

wahlau..i seriously want to give up siak uploading the pics but here goes nothing...

scio~ scio~ scio!

back from ozzy! and the trip was good. even if i didn't manage to ride the rides till i vomit or concus. the guys were good to have 'forced' me to save up and go. always the stingy bastard that i am lar :p the airplane ride was scary siak! and i was thinking..did i want to be crew because i wanted to go "woahhhh~" *facecramp* at every turbulence?" *mueheheheh* i behaved and didn't show my distaste at a single anyone of the crew member. well, the guys warned me anyway to keep my mouth shut even IF i did think one of them looked like a horse and the service was farken slow. they were afraid that the crew members would spit in our food *muuahaha*


the main aim (besides bonding with mates) was to totally ride the rides! and hence turn up my nose that the rides in singapore >) but bummer the scariest ride of all the superman was down when we went. consolation was the fact that i got to ride on Batwing! and yeaps...lethal weapon yo! we spent a total of 8 days for the whole trip and i hearts the guys for making it happen for me on a budget of course. they even made sure i had a balcony or a patio to smoke :p and these very same people have kids in tow. I made sure i didn't smoke in front of them but err...the kids nowsadays are just too damn smart lar. so many times lil danny reminded me "aunty amyyyyyyy...did you see the NO SMOKING sign there?" *coughcough* of course i promised them (ALL of them) that i'll quit ONE day :p we shopped LOADS being singaporean and cooked meals at the apartment. then added trips to seaworld (to check out the 'sad' dolphins) and also paradise country (chase kangaroos!) into our itinerary. it was COLD because its bright sunny winter and i came prepared. took with me 3 jackets and layers of tiny underthings to make sure i was warm but NOT penguinish. they guys were adamant that if i survived UK, then i'd survive australia lar.

out of all the shopping trips, i enjoyed carrara markets the MOSTEST. its just the different feel of an ang moh pasar malam that feel air-conditioned that makes it oh-so-memorable. it was cheap, colorful, good and hurray for the pony rides! i didn't ride da damn pony ler but i did buy the bestest souviniers evar from there! hellOoooooo lighter case :D and love my new 'pipe' aka alKENIT. how to quit smoking like that ler? :p from the outlet towns, i bought a nike BALL (go figure) and the 5 dora ballet pumps in black. kmart shopping were for books and the candies for terrors.

*pause*

why am i the way i am? = exact words NOT used to protect the not-so innocent

to him, i said "suker" meaning 'like'..i like the way i am. and i like what i do (which is seriously NOTHING) *twidlethumbs* i didn't even try to expand on that break in our conversation. i felt embarassed for him actually for asking such a redundant question. or maybe i heard him wrong? maybe he meant "i never understood why you don't act on the things you already know?" because we were exchanging stuff about *gasppppppp* mother of all things, religion. but thats too detailed of an assumption on my part ain't it? *slidessssssssssss* unlike the very upfront biks who told me "i've stopped pretending that you are dependable" recently. to which brought me to realise, i need to make more effort in nurturing my relationships with those i care about. espescially those newly built ones but it doesn't really play out the same if i were to apply it to bobi, my very own flesh and blood brother because he just told me to concentrate on looking for my own pad soon! which is GREAT right? seeing that just a few months ago he threw a pot at the wall (aimed at me actually or was it to punctuate his point?) because i told him i wanted to move out.

you think you know the person but yet there will be times *ALWAYSguaranteed* you never know *jengjengjeng* yet, we all take the risk of knowing and trust for good :)

damn i this cough thanks to alkenit....MORE HONEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....

stay sane,

j.amyemeelea

ps: i watched my very 1st world up last night at mcdonalds *lol* brazil vs portugal!!! i lost my bet though cosh i was feeling very generous and gave che. adygood 1 and half balls siak. *DEHEMIT* brazil won but i must say portugal's defense was POWER!

bitter yet sweet reminders...

i couldn't find the words, the memories for my feelings now. i never liked to compare people because i believe everyone has their own set of redeeming qualities and inherent flaws. yet....tonight someone made me compare and reminded me of a gift and it made my heart long for your nurturing ways. i thought i had met someone better *ahems* who could have topped you in that department BUT tonight i was gently reminded.....that you still stayed TOPS.

even now at this moment writing, i try to recall what i used to call you when these overwhelming feelings of great gratitude wash over me. but i am sorry i can't :( there is still so much hurt thinking about you but no matter.....your gift has redeemed you of this much bittersweet nostalgia :)

to YOU who gave me 'The Choice'.....you gave me the nudge i needed to never think of my inability to read the Quran as a disability. you saw past all my bad deeds and made me feel special even (even though we didn't last hehehe)

the book shall serve as a benchmark of sorts...bittersweet of course. but hey~! you're still tops! for now that is.......

stay sane,

j.amyemeelea

ps: i never did get to see the author live and he passed on in 2005. yet his legacy still lives!! through youtube!!!!!!!!!!!! *lompatsukaria*

the plight of the da'if..

You ask questions, you bring forth topics to discuss and debate, you highlight inconcguarties and then try to reconcile differences. U seek for uniformity in things that were revealed t you via books, conversations and direct experience (like teevee!!) . U share because you care I guess. You didn’t know whether what you had in your grasp was good or evil but it intrigued you to no end that you must speak about it. So you do.

You’re like the hermit lost in darkness. Or the fool lost in his dreams. Dare I say you are as bent as the rib of man. You feel the anxiety and dread of confusion. Where do you go with this heaviness in your heart? How do you ease the burdens of knowledge that is pressing you down. Will you be able to reveal these questions and answers that you seek? You are BENT *hurhurhur* to find out! ….by any means necessary.
So you go to those whom you trust. Those who are closest to you as well as those who have lead you by example of good deeds and of reputable character. Most often than not, you would choose someone who has shown you love. This someone you look upon as a teacher. Your teacher. To them you pour your anguish, your innermost honest opinions and your fears. You plead ignorance but more often than aught, you challenge these people to make you understand. UNBENT me you ask.

But……..

Many of those you approach label you as difficult, argumentative. They find it difficult to reach out to you because you’re incoherent. They can’t make out your needs, your intention! Maybe some won’t even judge and trust their own inticnts and just leave you to grope in the dark. you lack in enthusiasm they reason politely. One must not qyestion instead just follow what is said letter by letter, no questions asked please. You push forward trying to reach level ground. Instead of looking you in the eye and try to square you, they Iet you go and solve your own questions because as it IS – you are not a responsibility. Only a choice. Worst are those others who try to break you down by force and ultimatums till you either get bent out of shape or *ishkk* you get bent broken :(

*exhale*

Do you know the difference between plain ignorance and arrogance? *tsssskKK*

stay as you are,

emeelea

ps: yang bertakhta akhirnya sings m. nasir.....aku akur, hanya jauhari mengenal manikam...sangat LAIN tak sama dengan johari mengenal maniam!

rife with ulterior motives.

like why poke poke me in facebook like for the gazillionth time huhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh? but the witty repartee made my day hehe..too bad his status read 'in a relationship' and should i be reading any thruth into it? espescailly when mine still reads 'married' :p

i'm seriously thinking of deleting my facebook profile but it hasn't turned scary yet. at most just minor mishaps of reading too much into the 'typo' of things. can't say ALL are freudian slips huh? well, i enjoy the camaderie of solipismsssssssssssss no matter how banal it can get at times. *jumpswithjoyforFAILBOOK*

can you fake a social life? actually its so damn easy nowsadays, the number of friends you have (in this steady graph, the higher you go apprently is good) equals too how 'busy' or how 'happening' your social life is. but how's that evil huh? well it depends on how you put it into context right? from your own perspective of course.

and you're safe till you start looking at the number of friends you have and wonder why it goes up and down erratically and then send some frantic messages across to ask 'are you there or NOT there' every few days or so. i stopped it when i realised that i was becoming facebook stalker *muahahaha*

so a prominent ex minister died and we got a live telecast. the news were all about waht he did and who he did it with. a small gesture to remind us of our roots and history anyway. i didn't think it would piss off anyone till i read a shout to say 'we are wasting time, money bla bla bla when no one is watching.' my first reaction is where's is your sense of patriotism? and the other was, i wonder if they are rehearsing for the BIG LTOkay-why death somehow? does anyone remember if we had a live telecast of President Ong Teng Cheong's death huh? that said, Mr Goh...I think you did a splendid job as a Minister and although i do not GET why some of your policies haven't changed somewaht since you retired in 1984...i salute you Sir! May you rest in peace.

then my mumi had to tell me she sees me on facebook pretty late. which is not weird at all considering the fact that i have yet again fucked up my sleep clock. i go around reading status updates, checking out new photos and generally spare the one liners to people who matter on my list. yeaps, helps with soccer co-ordianting too since all the gals in the team has an account. espescailly those below age 23 :D but most of all its a good excuse (very narcistic if you ask me) to use the number of friends you have as a reason you don't get out to meet and greet people who do matter.

fwen no 147 : hey! i haven't seen you for ages and it takes forever to book a date out with you. don't you love/care/like/want to me see me anymore!!! *whinewhine* so lets do something pronto!

moi : of course i love/care/like/want to meet you silly! but have you SEEN the number of friends i have?

fwen147 : yeah man...you have 1234 frens altogether! so hot man..are you sellling drugs or something?

moi: yeaps..and in a year, we have only 365 days sometimes less so IF i were to meet every single one of them individually each day to sahow how much i love/care/like/want to be with them. guess what would ahppen?

fwen147: err....mass orgy?

*slapslap*

moi : no lar!! then when will i have time to sleep, shitte, read or do anything else huh?

:p

on a few occasions they just laugh it off and forgive me lar but most often than that i'd get a big stare of "WTF" back at me >D

as a rule, i personally don't add anyone i do not know personally to my list and HUGE no no to family aged 40 and above (that keeps the brothers, sister in laws, uncles and aunties at safe distance) then i kinda felt bad when i didn't add moms and pops of really really close friends. aunts an uncles included so i added them ONLY after making sure they stay on the restricted access thingy. which took a lot of time to do creating these privacy lists! *grrrrr* till i realised, it was never meant to be anything serious at all. hence..i stopped...i don't get much requests anyway *hurhurhur*

*brakessssssssss* the bridezilla on lithium just called me and ask about 'bunga sri lat lat'??????????? i told her to use it in a sentence and she told me her friends just smsed to explain its the flowers held by the groom usually with sirih and what not and that she's so confused already. here confused means - could you do it for me please? *UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH* i told her that it was her mak andam's responsibility to ensure its to be given to the groom together with his clothes to wear on sunday and to not worry about it since her wedding is naturally MODERN. why should she think it important anyway? *prfttttttttttttttttttt*

i hate unpreparedness.

now I've just lost ALL my mood again cos bobi just knocked on my door with a letter from the bank!

KILL me plssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss..like NOW.

stay sane,
j.amyemeelea

ps: if i DO wave goodbye to rows of you while walking through the customs gate at the airport by end of this year. I AM CHANGING MY CAREER TO DREAMER MAKE CAME TRUER!!! its hello~~ miles and miles of sand and goodbyeeeeeeeeeeeeeee hurts and disappointments. don't worry about the terrors, they'd be thrilled to know they can actually FLY over for hols. truly the concept of 'hijrah' needs my focus and attention now. thanks debster...i owe you babysitting hours when i get there *hugssssssssssssssssssskish* nope..tell donster i don't mind the camels because i have work experience in the stables LOLOLOL...err, do camels live in stables or not ehk?

Pungguk

Sunyi sepi
Degupan berapi
Waktu ini
Tak berdiri
Entah mati

Hati ini
Tiada lagi
Dicalit hitam
Tidak pergi
Mungkin selamanya

Jangan bicara
Biar tuli
Mati hati
Tiada peduli
Memori pergi

Belai diri
Belenggu kasih
Beda segalanya
Pasrah rembulan
Aku terima

........

Tulus seadanya,
Melati

Never be your setting stone

Starlite bintang brite

1^st bintang, I see tonite

I wish I may, I DOA I mite

God forbid I be your bride

EVAR! ---- !!!!!

*muahahahaha* yeah....the idea was corny!! And forgive me I'm suffering from 'mantrax' again, that's a clued-cluedo that I've been binging on Sex in da city :p PLUS...mat kental got me hooked on Olivia wildeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee *meowrrrrrrrrrrr*

And that's lethal as a combo *cough*

So I was at my sister's yesterday trying to calm the nerves of my niece whose gonna be a bride in give and take 2 weeks pronto! Everyone gets the nerves even the grooms but of course, the macho species just ride it as they know how. Which is, well...macho is as macho does – nothing.

My niece on the other hand, ACTS like a bundle of frazzled nerves on lithium! I nearly had to choke her *really* plus a few tight slaps to sober her up and keep her on reality track. OF COURSE I am happy she's getting married for god sakes BUT I had to remind her "love is blind; marriage gives you back your sight".

I am the 'aunt-slash-sister' sitter to the bride. Basically, I am to *try* negotiate (drill into her skull somehow) into my niece's pure wedded bliss idealism; her mom's well worn wisdom of womanhood backed up by years and years of experience. I TRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! Then, I am also in charge of the bride's room. Actually I MADE sure I was in charge because I didn't believe in paying a farken 2 thousand dollars for decor-on-loan. Only to have it torn down right afterwards *prrft* Sometimes immediately.

Better spend the money on FOR keeps I say and so together we invested the money, time and loads of sweat to do up a nice simple yet TASTEFULLY done decor that they could enjoy for loOOooooooong after the wedding is over. Kind of like pay back for all those years babysitting my 3 terrors:) and to top it off, the bride even agreed with me and is doing all her gifts for him by herself. Yeaps...call me a practical romantic lar but seriously, why shouldn't you do them? I did mine wot? :p

The mom also added:-

• Bunga rampai duty
  
• Mak andam to mom of bride and aunts duty
  
• Dulang hantaran security duty
  
• Change sheets for the 2 day event duty (we wanted both days to be different)
  
• Co-ordinator for 'bride surprise' duty
  
• Last but not least, the greet host by the gazebo duty
  

*phew* I take it all as practice yo! No no, NOT for my impending wedding (a gal can hope *sigh*) but more so in preparation for the terrors. Which is far far far farrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr away. Hopefully by then, mama terror has millions stashed away under the mattress. The truth is Money DOES solve a lot of wedding problems ;P

And I think I'm doing a good job so far hehe. T the wedding is still on and no one has gotten beaten or killed. There were of course the usual skirmishes and the wedding nearly got 'postponed' which in 'Malay wedding terms' is as good as cancelled cos *ahems* the groom had problems. Pandemonium was kept in check because the young guns humbly took the advice and solutions from the elders. It goes without saying that the groom left a very bad taste in everybody's mouth except for the bride *hurhurhur*

UGH...love em or hate them. Well, it's more wedding bells a ringing these coming months and I've got to do what I've always done. Be there IF invited :D

As always, I'd be macho about it and chuck my sharp cynicism out the door so that I'd look sweet, demure and as the family hopes charmingggggggggggggggggggggg wanita melayu terakhir in my kebaya. I did negotiate to wear pants with my top to no avail. They even forbade me to cut my hair! I couldn't even get past wearing a simple kurung on her nikah day *slapforehead*

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...I HATE weddings! Unless its mine lar hehehehehe...and THAT I won't have to worry about lar cos gua memang kaweng selalu, nikah jer sekalik *buahahahahah*

Stay sane,

J.amyemeelea trying NOT to go bonkers with all these wedding talk *barf*

Ps: astaga! Please ehkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk...no tragedy oktober please and no more mahligai mu dari airmata ku songs arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..gua PROMISE (and may lightning strike if i do) takmo rain on your parade :D but hell yes I DONT mind to be singing ala duffy at the top of my lungs. Orh and yes...anyone speaks to me about October weddings will be barfed upon so bad, you'd have vomit in all your orifices FOR DAYS on end! Choose lagu lain for me to sing bley? PUHLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

mystery solved..

Thomas S. Monson once said:
Perhaps the surest test of an individual's integrity is his refusal to do or say anything that would damage his self-respect.

*jeng jeng jeng*

lynx updated her facebook status with "sometimes people put up walls not to keep people out but to see who cares enough to break it down". i read it and couldn't help but smile. i know quite a few people like that. its not necessarily a very good strategy if you want to gain trust from your peers but situationally placed...anything that works best (based on your own experience) shall reap the end goal desired. i LOVE to generalise (a broad brush just makes things easier to finish painting) and call everyone a black kettle but yeaps, truth is i'm jus a wee lil pee-pot my self and BLACK to boot :D

and yes..... the self went poof! for a bit because i was spooked by the ghost of crapdoodle! *lolol* i managed to exorcise the demon (it was a wolf in chicken feathers so to speak) though!! *huraaaaaaaaaay* and come what may..the self is here to stay *amen* its easy once you know how. i did it with a few carefully placed words, lots of understanding and patience, a wee bit of effort and most importantly sincerity from the heart and thats all that are needed to scare away these demons in thier many guises. never underestimate the 'power of silent talking'. abg don sent me an email late april with tips on how to maximise it and then came the ultimate power booster from akhi halim. i have it here and for those intrested for a translation, holler people ;)

how to change any type of fear, tips when faced with demons (whether its a **thing or person)


- FACE it, people/thing. (this is the HARDEST)
- watch and listen.
- project love and patience to the person/thing with compassion in an Endeavour to understand and even enjoy.
- this way you're allowing people/thing to voice their insecurities. You're standing tall for people/thing by momentarily subjugating your ego's needs for theirs.
- you are becoming pro-active rather than re-active and standing tall for people/thing.
- you'd realise you are in fact controlling your dialogue so that the other person/thing can talk and feel more secure.
- no need to dominate, because you don't have to compete.


**i beleive even things have feelings and they might not be able to 'voice it out' but if you 'listen' hard enough, you could definately 'hear' it speak. just like songs?

take above steps and practice as often as you can when you're faced with your demons (devils wear prada or in my case polo/tissot, which makes it easier to face). You will feel scared, confused, angry maybe or even plain right disgusted at first. bit by bit you will realize that by taking the above steps, its fun not to have to do things that you don't want or not like to feel more secure (like go poof! when you really don't want to or say something you don't mean at all). in time, you get to go with the flow with much clarity and peace :) realization will dawn within that you are in fact perpetually secure (FEARLESS! in fact) and the answers to all your ignorance or mystery love songs will be SHOWN to you. sometimes answers LITERALLY thrown at you and shake you up to positive action. ehk? scrap the song ok...that belongs to another story!!:p the booster is in arab though and meant for fellow muslims. BUT! don't let it faze you. rest easy that affirmations/supplications made in ANY language will find it ways ;)

"Allahumma arinal haqqa haqqan warzuq nattiba’ah wa arinal batila batilan warzuqnajtinabah"

now that i'm not living in nauseating fear. what do i do? hunt the terrors down, clean my room, finish my assignments, pack for australia, search for a job, search for a house/room/tree, get my butt back up straight and the list goes on and on and OOOOOOOnnnnnnnnnnn...*arrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!* everything on my next to do list looks like another set of crapdoodle to deal with *prrrft* mak ton is right, i should be called "amy search-ING"

alas........if my search is for the TRUTH, then amy searching pon amy searching lar! and i ain't scared of any truth....even if its as humiliatingly scary as crapdoodle.

stay sane,
j.amyemeelea

ps: biks...thank you for the nudge. banana might fruit 2-3 times but this time...da injek mandul. pisang tinggal hiasan hehehehe...

dehemit argh!

pray tell me where is the compassion in a father?
he who swore to love unconditionally
of his blood loins to protect and shelter to death may they part
till the end of all the angers and hate of this world
his breathe till shallow may he does his dampest to provide

and what pray tell me?
what and why why why
could a father be so cruel
to defy the most sacred of bonds of blood
the ties that bind him and his offspring
that neither you nor i can deny

lame is he who leans on excuses as such
that borders of craziness and pure sloth
of greed and the heights of untamed jealousy
could it be that a father be so unjustly devoid
of a kernel pure undulatered love

where did it all go this father figure of ideals
if not into deep slumber of hate and blackness untrue
will he succumb and leave us to die devoid of all
can it be that the who, what and why why why
escaped from the very sanctity that protects our ties
of verily ones that you call your
daugthers and son

to the end...will you reap what you sow of regrets
one after the other through rendered apologies too late
wish and hope as we may,
father...

in the end
we can only look back and remember how
you forgot your promises of ideal
for that dear father
forgive us if we may fray and run ragged
unable to look you in the eye and come surrender
for time will tell and so will truth prevail

@}---/-------

own up!

i am one of those peeps who wll not own up to my own fart!

REVELATION!

*lol*

weekend came and went and although i must say i enjoyed every single second of it, i go feel a tiny twige of regret as well. BUT! in cases of self denial, i shall NOT own up to it instead....

i shall preservere to dig deep into my books!

and sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

for tomorrow is another day at the office :p

plus my papers to write and also to fill in my journal in big tent. wait! not forgettting countdown to a meeting with legal aid next week after work. hrmmmmmmm...so i shall get that spanking new phone right? shall i go with the android or not ehk? or should i stick to a symbian nokia? UGH...

why does surah An-Nisa keep popping up?

okay...investigate besok..

stay sane,
j.amyemeelea

pity is as pity does..

damien rice does a mean cover of the song creep by radiohead and i'm in the mood. melancholy slips and under its heaviness i seek for the tiniest bit of warmth. ah well..

i had a conversation yesterday and somehow and somewhere goondu me got struck by a sense of vulnerabilty. you know how convos flow and one thing leads to another and then you kinda open up. aha! i thought...emancipation! release!!! *gulps* i swallowed my pride and in that moment opened that part of myself that i've kept so well hidden by my machoness. yeah~...why oh why do we feel strong by putting up that cold cold exterior of toughness? so hell lar! i beat my ego to a pulp and out gushed a question of self value. i needed external validation and so i seeked NOT caring to see what's truly in front of me. you could say i was lulled by a false sense of security. wanting this person to save you.

and in reaching out....instead of empathy, sympathy or compassion as i had expected. YES! i felt owed by my generosity to share my fear and was expecting all of the above when the life out of me got slimed instead by pity. i was dumbstruck. i fell into shock. it felt like a tingle for a second and then the slime of it all suffocated all the breath out of me and i...i...i went NINJA. i went poof! i went OFFLINE *gagggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg*

i stared at the screen in front of me and i felt totally alone. the sense of betrayal made me out like somekind of a weirdo. without my armour of condesendance i was totally whacked out of rationality. there i was telling this person how dejected and lonely i felt. and he fucked me with "there..there person. don't worry God will help you. i was once like you." and what the hell was that suppose to mean??! *prfffffffft* so you know what i did?

i cried like a pussy.

:p

i believed my sudden dissapearence kinda made him think about what he said in reply. he reached out and guessed correctly that i was offended. TO HELL i was! but you know what? the tears cleared the slime away. i mean...he didn't intentionally mean anything bad. he was just being him. so i texted him and told him to forget it *gritteeth* i'm being a prick and it wasn't anything he said. i understand where he was coming from and GO BE HAPPY. i'm cool with it. i figured that he was trying to 'put himself' in my shoes and make me feel better by telling me to look at how well he turned out. isn't that what he was trying to do? >)share his success story a bit?

*puke*

i pulled up the covers and breathed in deep. switched on to youtube and yeah he succeeded to convince me to go back online. i shouldn't really succumb could i? to such mild ignorance? turn the other cheek i told myself. he's simple-minded and that's exactly what he expects if EVER he threw open his vulnerability open! i should have considered the facts about him waaaaaaaaaaay before opening my wounds to him like that. like fcuk me lar! so silly kan? by accepting that it's my fault to even begin with and promising myself that NO MORE fcuks ups this time or any other time, i managed to feel human again.

i shall give him credit lar for making the efforts to cover his tracks afterwards. we steered away from the emo crap whereby then i was already on my own cbt highway. yessiree...its okay to accept pity. its OKAY to be pitied because the danger is not in the pitied but in the PITIER.

Aristotle described pity in his Rhetoric: "Let pity, then, be a kind of pain in the case of an apparent destructive or painful harm of one not deserving to encounter it, which one might expect oneself, or one of one's own, to suffer, and this when it seems near". basically Aristotle said when people pity their acquaintance, taking into account that when one pities another, they are not close as in kinship. they need to be out the outside and know that its NOT them whose experiencing the tragedy. which is why pity is different of from empathy, sympathy and even compassion. David Hume observed that pity which has in it a strong mixture of good-will, is nearly allied to contempt, which is a species of dislike, with a mixture of pride. It is an emotion that almost always results from an encounter with a real or perceived unfortunate, injured, or pathetic creature.A person experiencing pity will experience a combination of intense sorrow and mercy for the person or creature, often giving the pitied some kind of aid, physical help, and/or financial assistance.

so you know..it works out at the end of the day. once the pitied understands how psychologically harmful this is, one can act with Nietzsche pointers and turn the tables on the pitier. in an act of defense! deal with the imbalanced powerplay and rip the negativity away. before...it turns extremely negative BUT well....what is done cannot be undone. one could choose to be ambivalent as i have in hopes to turn mystic *hurhurhur*

**above in some parts flinched in TOTAL from wikipedia ah. distracted from schoolwork! but yeah...GO-blog works as a purge-hellhole.

okay otak penat, hati pun macam bengkak-bengkak siots!

stay sane,

j.amyemeelea

ps: yer sayer emosik! da tua ah... :)

another kickball day

kickball day and the usual bullshit about not needing or wanting complications. its all about FUN. OF course lar! who doesn't want to be funnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn?!!! GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...finger hurts cos i didn't wear gloves while playing goalie. then i also have nice raised welts on my right thigh from someones boots today. which means NO skirts or dresses! but its friday anyway and i shall have the weekend to recover.

all n all it was a good kick about session. i pespired like a pig and ate like one afters. shared a cab with kiddo back home. on the way back there was an accident. the suzuki swift went turtle! it was white and the cab driver also agreed the guy MUST have been speeding. ahhhhh....again, lebai came to mind. he drove a swift what! but i managed to shoo away the thoughts before they turn me bonkers with no sleep. let the past be where they are. rationalising and talking my way out of memories is a neat trick! as i told ismet, let time tell lar and heal *amin*

i won't be seeing mr. tee tomorrow. tired siaked. i don't think i can talk soccer after today. ENOUGH! tomorrow..i shall come back and settle in bed with lapicits and my beloved books. will i turn up for soccer with the lil tikes on saturday? maybe not, i should be typing away on my papers. all those can wait a while more. i have committed myself for 2 months of english tutoring *gah* but the extra 60 bucks or so will come in handy. also, i hope to do a little bit for girl-girl with what little i can offer. after may, with any improvement, THEY can find a REAL tutor!

is this how mama felt before? trying to help in little ways?

so its another weekend with the terrors this week. we are going to watch a puppet show yeayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy....i have to pick up terror 2 and 3 from punggol first then terror 1 from school camp at 6pm on saturday. after that its home sweet home and lepak sunday! maybe this time we can play monopoly as a family and spend some quality time in front of teevee hehehe...

budget NOT helping! i screwed it again. well, there is NEXT month and Alhamdullillah...He's been kind. GOOD news is that i'm on leave this monday muahahahahahahahahaha....but right after i send the kids home. i have class at darul furqan. i've been reading up on prof syeh naquib al attas and his contributions. somehow, his writings on malay philosophy resonates.

i can't wait to see his papers! we are going through them line by line...which is sexciting :p halfway through zen and motorcycle right now and i wonder about quality too. i found stuff in there from the classics worth second and few more reflections. maybe i can share them with biks on our trip to batam. or maybe biks would just like to indulge in being still?

east west conundrum! i miss talking and discussing my thoughts with lebai :( even though he can be pretty daft with his replies. defensive most of the time! but i miss the banter and steady chatter. mr. supercop is quiet THANK GOD and another mini twin cop just got axed! NOPE....not gonna bend my rules and make the same mistake again. i WILL NOT and AM NOT about to go out with an attached guy. so the jack neo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hurhurhurhur.......he's the current local tiger woods making waves in the news. i missed out on parliment dehemit! but managed to catch up with priceless gems of top quotes from google reader. i believe a certain minister was caught sleeping on camera :p

now....sleep.

stay sane,
j.amyemeelea

ps: or insane?