who is in denial nie?!

because we are very smart dummies. maybe we are crash test dummies? or really clueless and totally into ignorance is bliss dummies? but who wants to actually admit being a dummy? a PERSON in denial lar!

you dummy you!

so i had the pleasure of being introduced to www.minahspeak.livejournal by biksmuse. and who else?! *tsk* of late, my mood for all things guapunya lepak days made such sudden rushes disturbing my akak-akak opis persona. so yeaps, i have been busy blog reading becauseeeeeeeeeee....guapunya.com is in alpha? beta? aper kejadah?? well, her entries are not many and i note that she already HAS a facebook fan groupie thingy in facebook! yesh, her quiz created ripples among the minahs and mats in facebook. i didn't take the minah quiz or maybe i did? but i didn't score 100% lar and my persona has always been mucho macho male peargh! so obviously i took the MAT quiz and hell yeah! scored 100% mat-doom there \menten/
how she writes, reminds me of this mat who goes by the name of 'karipap7posen'. or does she just remind me of being the new generation of minahs. he answers to also k'pap in short! and he write funny stuff this chap. in a very innocent way, his beguiling crack jibes have an air or age old lepak wisdom. then one time he started this super hot and sicky topic in the forum pages. there is this dictionary, a compliation of all the rock or lepak speak of the mats and minahs united combined in it. it was sensational larh! then if i could remember better, he had a webpage too? for this fact, i shall have to double cross check maut with the 'otais of guapunya' otai - old timer :)

ishkk!! come to think of it, originilaty can still be achieved. a sense of individualism very much attainable in this cookie cut techie world! foar~~ yesh i salut the originals out there. no matter what label, size and in every measureable, empirical sense of the word....i give you a mega dio lar! and yes, you are surely a minah IF you DENY being one int he first place. gosh, when you want gender to work...it just doesn't! what gives???!! *balingkerusi* so yeaps...below is for you..MEGA tau tau tau!

\mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm/

so my weekend with the mats and minahs rempits *batokshearkkkkhhhhhbatoks* ala geng car-car was fun *smirk* my selfish intentions of getting away from it all actually backfired BUT! that is bordering on too much info hehe. but i note that generally, in the same topic of why do we like to be in a state of denial is purely because its just another choice. a much much easier choice to make rather than to contemplate horror of horrors a confrontation. with nothing less than what it is that generates the feeling of livid fear and presumebly can sure die of embarrassament trying to choke us with DIS-ease. can anyone spell T-R-U-T-H? so so so..what is it you ask, that hit a home run to this state of in denial was smack me! there i was out of place, out of sync and out in the hot sun trying to do what?? FIT beb..yeah me...FIT. me of the random personas usually genderless ball of balderash was in a state of extreme denial. in the midst of all the hullabaloo of meeting up members ala united mesia n singypore of the drivers (they called themselves something else lar of course) and thier partners (yes, those who didn't drive or own one was howdy pardnah!) there i was completely clueless to find myself neither belonging to either group. i had to swallow a huge ball of spit mind you when a very nice and friendly gal came up to me and asked if i was either, and all i could answer was "errm...." *smack!CRASHHHHHHHHHHHHH*

she offered a weak, "orh! partner yer? kita-kita sumer nie pon ada yang partner jugak. ehk join lar *tooot* sisters! u just click jer and join us to kenal-kenal perangai buroks dema-dema nie" and i smiled my megawatt smile and thank god i had my HUGE sunnies on. yeaps..i wore them for lunch at geng's restaurant :p she just invited me to be part of the girlfriends wing of the going strong, pretty active car gang. and i wanted to kiss her and wished i could 'layaned' melepak with her as a thank you for filling in the 'awkwarddddddddddddddddd' moment but i was still dazed you see with blinding self revelation that i went completely bombotic! which is like a bimbo who swallowed a ticking bomb because she had thought it helps with the cramps *lolol* i swear you could hear ticking coming from me so i flip my hair (in true bimbo style) and then tucked into my just arrived nasi ayam upin dan ipin. betol betol betol! SALAH! because i really wanted to try something more kuala lumpurish! i mean, we of singytebahbombers are used to succulent, delish hainanese (halal hor) chcken rice wei at brickworks! so apa lar..nasi ayam upin dan ipin right? and with the last bits of rice into my mouth, i lit a ciggerate and fagged there RIGHT at the table yeah! while nice gal took the opportunity to to a kebelakang pusing *abouturn* on me *sigh* she was really nice adn genuine but well oh well. needless to say, my bomb shot the fuse and erupted into da nasty *BURP* gah~ wish i was a farter instead *lolol*

that was a tragedy alright...where was my gua rockers lar attitude right? live and let live babe. lu suka gua pun suka. so kita suka-suka! yeaynesssssssssssss! all went well and in some areas much appreciated. somehow somewhere i lost a sense of self for cheap *NOT!* getaway. the price was a 'kriiing kriiing' moment. or i would like to think of the moment to be waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay trippppppppy beb..then at the last bit "berlanggar motorcar! pom! pom! POTONG gua PEH STIME!" and i didn't think a "sorry sorry langgar lorry" was going to make up for the losses with the concept of being in denial.

still, i gained new insight on the mamat lagik gua chui..or cannon so to speak. and then totally tripped on the highway with mojo rock 80's all the way. the extras are deemed explicict thus not bloggable for fear of 'report offensive content' push button activated *hehehe* and one word of buying new aroma sealed handrolling fruit flavored tobacco- IT TASTES like shitte!! but what to do??? roll cili padi or a fat jack sama dia lar! budget beb..budget...abeh da go hurray hurray per ;)

stay sane,
jahatamyemeelea

note on mamat gua chui : actions do speak louder than words but i don't speak mime lar! so can you please clarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrify? cakap BIAR terang per or do you really think i can read minds? itu alice cullen lar! oops! but you don't read kan? dehemiT larr....must i now go slink to mat mime corner as opposed to mat action for clarifications please ask mat on duty corner now?? *gah!!!*

pps: k'pap! kalau gua jumpa lu skarang kan...akan gua publish ler lu peh compilations and 'nasihat wak-wak lu'...pasal confirm letup giler lu lagik darik minahspeak tue. cheh! gua biased nie hehehe....

woooo its friday!

monday - i couldn't remember what monday was about because i just came back from a fluffer fink weekend with the cellaraid gang. oh yes! was supposed to meet the storm gals for a meeting but the 'sponsors' were apprently busy.

tuesday - work was work and i caught up with princess terror three over the phone who excitedly reminded me that it was her birthday at midnight. did i mention work was work again and that i added a few more reads to my blogroll. i finally read the use of webtools available on blogger.

wednesday - the birthday prezzie for my biksmuse came and yeah work was work scrollinng through and sexcited about owning a bloog :D packed gear for muay thai and damn me for agreeing to go all the way to holland just to spar. tears were shed of course in tinly rivulets as i was reminded of a missed birthday. hell did i kick ass that night at muay thai. not only my ass hurt but i think my tummy really protested this time to the 'conditioning'.

thursday - clashed parties. i had forgotten about nads birthday bash and futsal meet with zai. wait what about workshops! *gah!!* was i meant to play futsal in a black polka dot dress? NooooooooooOoooooooooo....the tuchings brought extra gear and soon my aches were forgotten TILL i reached home close to midnight. what's with birthdays in the month of may and also hrmmm...anniversaries???? TT = Teh Tarik session dar! *slapsforehead*

FRIDAYYYYYYYYYYYY - training at farrer was mercifully cancelled due to rain. i prayed for sleep and rest. received rainbow at end on conversation and yeay for laksa ala express! read kacip and read him some more. why do you have to be waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay younger dehemit! lu rock lar beb, gua caya sama lu woohoo! please sign my dada gituk. you ARE on my blogroll definately. senyum sinis melebar ke telingga.padded pillows with lavendar and go-blog yeah! orh! guapunya is in alpha beta? me dunno want to just ommmmmmmmmmmega sleep tight. showered, rested and add the few books on books in facebook. gosh my body is creaking *ughughughughugh*

*yawn* and looking ahead

saturday - ex secondary schoolmates arranged football. no fair gals play rounders? cisss!! its the same old thing, gender discrimination but! it'd be fun to drop by and say hello to familiar faces. my prince terror 2 birthday but apprently its parent teacher meeting. hrmmm...i really hope it rains. planned makan session!

sunday - football training and returning balls to marine parade. i am imagining me carrying that many balls and zai in kebaya playing soccer *muahahaha* constitution? training dulu beb! and will hope to get to see the prince and princess of honour. please..please be sunny side up so that i can get rid of hatefull tanlines.

monday - ehk! dia bunyik lagiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.............................

stay sane,
jahatamyemeelea

ps: the mind can forget but the body reaps its bashes literally *snores*

the joke is on me..

"Yes, suddenly I saw it clearly: most people deceive themselves with a pair of faiths: they believe in eternal memory (of people, things, deeds, nations) and in redressibilty (of deeds, mistakes, sins, wrongs). Both are false faiths. In reality the opposite is true: everything will be forgotten and nothing will be redressed. The task of obtaining redress (by vengeance or by forgiveness) will be taken over by forgetting. No one will redress the wrongs that have been done, but all wrongs will be forgotten." ~ Part 7 Ludvik Jaroslav Helena chapter 16 from The Joke by Milan Kundera 1967

budget is tight this month so off i went on a shoestring bookhunt. the shop in question is in bras basah, about 10mins away from my office. I had read the last book shalimar the clown by salman rushdie; a gift from shikinbo and i still hungered. the tug i felt was for more revenge, more intensity and i didn't think jodi picoult could ease the pangs i felt. i wanted blood in print and with that in mind i headed straight for the pile of books marked 3 for 5 dollars to scavenge. i saw The Joke and wanted to whoop with joy! i held my breathe still and then saw Vita Brevis by Jostein Gaardner! so clutched both books to my chest and checked my wallet. Damn! No cash. i handed the books over to the cashier and headed for the money changer just beside the shop. I still had crumpled notes in USD, Viet dong, Ringgit and Thai baht and decided to lump change them all into sing dollar. I left the us dollars alone and was refused change for the viet dong because they were discontinued notes. In total i got over 50 dollars sing. my eyes widened at the thought of how many used paperbacks i could haul back but i told myself not to be greedy. I still need to buy fags to curb real hunger pangs for food *hehehe* my shoes; the ones i was wearing had a heel to be fixed so i had in mind to make a pass at the roadside cobblers to have them fixed later. so i didn't have much time. lunch break lasts only an hour and i had only 30 mins left. i walked back to the shop and continued my search. i forgot who called me about mundane monday blues (or was it a tuesday?) but all the while all i could think of was one more book so that i could get my 5 dollars worth. i saw ben okri and instantly i thought of biksmuse but i didn't know if she could stomach a love story. ben okri could be very teary and i wanted her NOT to be teary. in truth, i just wanted this bookhunt to be solely mine alone so i left ben okri there. as i rummaged through while listening to whoever it was on the phone, i saw 'Kiss Of The Spider Woman' by Manuel Puig! images of dark cells and then sadist intent bursts forth and i didn't hesitate to grab it to the safety of my arms.

done! three books written about love sharing the same theme or rather had the same feel of dark eros and its implications. R-E-V-E-N-G-E! all classics and i really did skip a little while i made payment for my treasure. with exception of Vista Brevis, i had the other two books on my booklist. my fingers trembled when i fingered The Joke. i walked on towards the traffic junction was to get my shoe fixed. the caller has since gone mute so my mind was free to wander to the printed words in my hands. while waiting for my shoes i read each praise (they don't list the critics) and my heart skipped a beat again as i note that The Joke's spine has not been broken. Did the previous owner not love this book? What was its history? Where has it travelled? How did it land in that shop with its spine intact and no mark whatsoever stain this book? its still wrapped in plastic that has turned yellow and felt more like cling wrap rather than the normal thick clear ones that one would use to protect books. there were no tears and i told myself maybe its previous owner was a shikino type. they refuse to break the spine so as to keep it in pristine condition.

i was introduced to che. milan by nyce or stinky *LOL* she lent me her copy of Laughable Loves which i have since returned. Then his novel 'The Unbearable Lightness of Being' was made into a movie. I didn't watch the movie because i wanted very much to read it first and now instead of it i had The Joke in my hands. I reached the office and i set my books on display. they act as reminders or my means to an end to my day at work. I reconfirmed my muay thai class for later and promptly left on time to get my stuff needed for later at golden mile complex. i had promised to meet che. zeemonkey so that we can head off to my place, before that we had to pick up stephie who will join us. at 6pm stephie called and said she has already arrived and i excitedly showed stephie my finds!

she asked me where i got books so cheap and it was then that i noticed that The Joke was missing! my heart sank. i thought i heard it crack a little when i remembered thumbing through its pages just a few hours before. I turned to che. zeemonkey and said now i am really pissed and will be kicking hard at muay thai tonight. i wanted to forget i even had The Joke in my hands. Stephie tried to console me with "Well, I am sure its just not meant to be" so i let it rest. maybe it just wasn't time for me to dig deep into The Joke. I still wasn't consoled so i texted biksmuse just to vent. che.zeemonkey couldn't care less if i read toilet paper! and stephie was being stephie, so i seek solace in my text to biks and sniffed my regrets to her as i pressed 'send'.

i nearly passed out during muay thai and i centered all my anger, my regrets, my longings into class. my heavy skip ropes lashed at my feet but the pain just inched my heart away from the real pain that i was feeling; remembering The Joke. my pushkicks were centred at one aim, my carelessness! How could i have left it there! but the extreme workout and catching up with both of them eased my guilt a wee bit. i showered and then snuggled with Vista Brevis in bed. ahh..a love letter! how apt i said to myself and pored over the words and came across "Feminis lugere honestum est, viris meminisse", meaning ''Tacitus wrote that it is fitting for women to grive over a loss, for men to remember it.' i had to smile and then lulled away to sleep from fatigue over the day's exertion. my heart will mend, my mind rationalised. i still had the other two books safely in bed with me and i could always go back to shalimar who has since made its impression.

the next day, my heart eased by che. jostein on my way to work; i sat down to prepare myself for the day ahead and turned to the corner of my means to an end to tuck che. jostein's love letter as usual. lo and behold! The Joke stood to look at me with its one eye. the lips slighlty apart, a lighted cigarette parked in them leered at me. FOUND! and sooooooooooooooooo the joke was on me i thought aloud *singgers* i found biksmuse online and told her of my silliness but what does it mean? i took my pen and scribbled "The speaking of afters...& the haunts of klakla...may 2009. ps: The Joke is on Moi" :D signed it off as mine and so it is.

stay sane,

jahatamyemeelea

note: its terror 2 birthday this 16th and terror 3 will turn six years this 13th. the familiar claws to that part of me as mama cries but i shall remind myself not to shed a tear *although i did a bit* least the joke is on me again :)

ps: what is 'klakla'? its in reference to The Joker of my life. one who lives in eternal memory and on my list of redressibilty...and whom i pray for forgetting.

sparingly..

i just tried to call the terrors on ms. hipsdiot phone only to have her scream "this is not my phone!" repeatedly at me. i could hear her only legal in thailand stepmum *hurhurhur* at the back sounding off warnings and i sure felt like smacking some faces. there is so much one can tolerate of course and i'd rather hold my tongue till the head gives permission for something equally positive and constructive to spew forth. sheesh...if only i can just have just one face off with the unmentionables, wouldn't my life be just grand? :p



ms. hipsidiot is the classic evil stepsister from reports and apprently the terrors can only skulk in fear when they have to face her wrath. ms. hipsdiot is 9 going 10 and has a curly scraggly short hair. she has her mum's height and features definately but what surprises me is the evidence of outright audicity of a GIRL that age to literally scream at her MUM for anything amiss. of course i feel angry when i witness her tantrums, espescially when it is directed to the terrors but realistically there is lilttle i cna do. i just ease away my worries by gloating that the terrors no matter how terror they each can be have NEVER had the courage to even try to raise thier voice at me and THAT ms. hipsdiot is NOT my daughter *hehehe* with regards to being physically abused, i am trying to 'teach' the terrors to not just turn the other cheek but practice instead assertive defense. they have been 'trained' by young to not resolve to physical fighting unless its called 'contact sports' and instead opt for more peaceful resolves, usually it must involve an adult as mediator. fights must be fair as in love and war, the wittier the better to encourage better excercise of the grey matter of course. but apprently this does not work in thier family. the complaintnants * the terrors* are most often turned away by the adults in the house. they 'trust' this tyrant of nearly 10 to be the eldest with responsibilty. and hitting is permissable and sometimes they say, papa just dismiss them with "nevermind, not purposely" to every lodge complaint. so now my problem is that the terrors turned out to be mere pussycats apprently in face of tyranny, prefering to patiently swallow any kind of abuse and it bothers me.



i heart the terrors for thier patience and faith in the Almighty to deal fair blow on thier behalf to the said opressors but then i draw the line at being physically abused. espescailly among siblings. we fight all the time and will have squabbles over the tiniest things but hitting the head with a book? smacking the face and body till it leaves marks? i could go insane thinking about the stuff i have heard and seen done by ms. hipsdiot!!! *ROARRRRRRRRRRR* so now the terrors have been instructed to pick up arms and understand that standing up and fighting back to these mean people is not a sin. defending your rights within boundaries is more admirable than taking it lying down and let your oppressors scoot away free. if the adults will not be fair or refuse to pay attention then grab that attention you deserve and demand you get fair trial!!! *ugh!!* still the terrors refuse. they said, it will only turn to be worse for them as the evil step sister is vengeful to add and its much easier to avoid confrontations *bah!humbug* maybe..maybe they say, always hoping and praying that one fine day ms. hipsidiot get her JUST desserts.



but why is that when its problems between the 3 of them, its so easy to throw that punch or quick to retort with something verbally vile? so its okay to fight among the three of them but not agaisnt the evil step sister? something is definately wrong here and i'll be damned if i don't get to the bottom of it. SOON! and i mean it!! i might just make you shit in your pants when i'm just about done with you. you can say that i have like 20 plus odd years being the bully at home *i still love you bobby and i never did repeat the same tricks twice wot hehe* eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....and mama legal only in thailand, i know you're waaaaaaay older than me lar and you single handedly *or so i heard* brought up your own chldren after your divorce but but but.........................eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekS~~~ aren't your ashamed at being BULLIED by your own children? no wonder you prefer the terrors anyday to your own woman! cosh seriously, i may be the away mama BUT i sure hell hold a lot more respect from my terrors than you could ever TEACH your kids *mueheheheeh* so please ehk, don't have any AIRS because by blood your not thier MOM and legally by law your're NOT thier mom too...at least in singapore. HELL lar!! i don't see how you deserve being MOM to any of the kids at all?? *pttttuiiii*



okay...so secara hukum you have the 'rights' as ibu tiri. almaklum da nikah aper. tapi mak eh....kalau nak model diri tue serupa mithali, ingatlar yang kita nie maseh lagi terikat hukum dunia jugak! kalau ini cara mak eh..besok lusa, anak sendrik kaweng lari pastue dia cakap, "mama dulu kaweng pat thailand per" tak boleh nak salahkan anak-anak tue tau. peringatan kepada dua anak beranak ini...mama terror aksyen lar taknak tunjuk belang tapi pikirkan lar, air yang tenang yang selalu banyak ikan piranas! ishkk! sakit jiwa siak meikirkan nya...cuma waktu saya lebih bagus digunakan untuk mendidik saya dan anak-anak serupa terrors supaya bedoa dan usaha jangan larrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...kiter sumer nie terjebak dan terbabit dengan &*^&^^$^$%#%#^&*#&*(&(& awak anak beranak!



*breatheintopaperbag*



stay sane,

mama JAHAT



ps: don't worry, i fear retribution more than death at second ;)

hate! hate!

you told me to hug a ball?

HOW OFFENSIVE...

but i shall play my cool.

AND FREEZE...

do you really want me to hate you?

I CAN...

should i play into your traps?

GOD HELP ME I WON'T...

will we ever make our way out of this?

I"D MAKE SURE OF IT...

because what are memories but just memories

DIE! DIE! DIE!!!!!

why can't i hate you?

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*killkillkillthepitofmyheart*

stay sane but NEVER you *sob*
amyemeelea

living dreams..STORM

Finally, the end of the FAS Women Challenge Cup.

top row (left from right) : kimmie 'makan kaki', jean goalie mummy, yan unstoppable wedgie, zai hola strikeme, dee budak jahat, mel the captain aye, jiabin ithink, celeste the tank, soo not tired, des barcelona chick.

bottom row (left to right) : lina dark kuda, jiahui mongstar strength, stephie vice stripper, beds heart attack, haz wonder kecik, moi, shihui da missing, kidd priestess bola.

not in picture : crystal mid wonder, farah saya goalie.

we lost the challenge and didn't' make it through the next round. and we got totally trashed haha. imagine an end total of above 30 *morecoughgoalscough* scored against us with a total of 6 games played. the greatest humiliation was the game where we lost 26 nil on HOME ground! *faint* our saving grace was the lone goal scored by zai hola strikeme who promised a goal in our last game. it wasn't easy being part of this team. what do expect when you have girls living the dream of samba soccer? i pity our then coach *blesshistorturedsoul* for being brave enough to take us on. but in the end he quit wot?! there was the need to have more players, the strive to get fit, the necessity to perfect our technicalities and then the overlapping bitchy emotions running amok to contend with. from the lost of gals then gaining some later only to lose them again due to unforeseen circumstances lead to the remaining having to question the loyalty and commitment of those who stayed. from the hard courts of futsal to the la di da of let's just play field finally to the vision of setting up a real football club; the above gals made the cut through all the drama and turbulent trying times just to live a dream. and a dream it was and reality it will be.

i really should get started on that book huh? *muahahaha* its been slightly less than a year and it seems like a whole life time. obviously we lost more than we won anything but to be sure...TO THE CORE! TO THE HEART~!!! we WON gals! we WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!! defiantly in my books, we won the hardest and most elusive prize of all, which is to stay as a PRIDE *roarrrrrrmeow* words cannot say how proud i am to be part of this team and how much i'm willing to sacrifice to ensure that all our sweat, tears and not forget laughter stays in existence. plus, i am suffering from recent heartbreak and you guys keep me sane *muahaha*

there were many disagreements and too many episodes of wrenching heartbreak hiccups to even mention lar. lost of sponsorship, no players, no coach, no equipment, no discipline and yada yada yada...but hey! WE are STILL here. of course we are no bastard bitches that bit the hand that fed us. he who shall not be named shall be remembered as the one who started it all. 'maybe' God bless his tortured soul ;) lets pray really really hard for him otey and i hope we can bury all disappointments individually and collectively to start anew as i certainky have ;) PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE....

so i hope the call to band together tighter and more solid as before will not be disappointing hor! *crossfingerstoesandeyes* for all that is worth, its the future of dreams calling each of us strong..not to forget NEW COACH *ahemstohari* new players, new goals!, new everything!! gals!!! rally up...the team needs you. remember when i nearly gave up and you each made me stay? please now remember and take to heart each your plea and turn it into pledge. its now or never gals, let's really make this happen.

till i see you gals again....very very soon kicking balls! i quote crystal mid wonder, "can't wait to see all of us WINNING together." here's to the champions of my bola heart \m/ YOU GALS rock my SOCKS *hurhurhur*

stay sane,

jahatamyemeelea

ps: oh yah! the nicks i came up all on my own of cosh hehehehe..yan i know your're so gonna kill me *lolol*

Brunt? Grunt? Runt?

So it would seem I am forever hankering after the wrong guy? Or am I really following the ‘type’ that I am which is to be said to be ‘loyal to the fault’? I still prefer the rationality that I only go for the ‘posh kind’ *huh?* But please people! I am OKAY, will be OKAY and is OTEY : )

The terrors asked about the other, why he doesn’t seem to hang around anymore. And I told them frankly that he’s busy and soon to be married I think. To which terror 2 went, “To you right?” I told him in reply, “Nope, he didn’t ask me so I am not sure to whom” *smilegoat* Then, I kinda remembered what the ex said before about not wanting to get too close to the kids, my family, my friends and what not; his reason being ‘less complications should we not work out’. And I TOTALLY agreed with him. The gangbang of course raised alarms and the usual ruckus about how lame and pessimistic giler my choice was. BUTTTTTTTTTTT…noooooooooOOOoooooooooo. I agreed with him. The gangbang protested vehemently but accepted that fact that I was blind. Nuff said.

What was distinct here to terror 2’s response was how the heow did he guess of our *ahems* intimate relationship of 4 years when we were very very careful around them. We never had any outings together. Save for that time he offered to join us at Suntec for shopping that one time during the tug and pull days of indecision. Believe me, the terrors were as surprised as I was when he agreed to join us. Anyway, all he did was drove us there and back lar. We went shopping and he went to do his stuff. We met only when it was time to go back home. Now that I realized, the most he will agree to do is to drop the terrors off back home since we had plans for later. It was just convenient. But, I think the terrors noted the innocuous gestures *not so harmless afterall* the habitual phone calls, the obligatory kiss on his hand and my incessant mania of seeking his approval for everything we did. It’s the seek permission and please report base stuff that made him stand out from the rest of the boyfriends I have. I wanted to tell the terrors that he was like the Pope or something hehe but that will be too extreme. Nak bedek biar possible, jangan IMPOSSIBLE! Still, all in all I am glad that we did what we did because I don’t think I could have carried the weight of their longing added on top of mine.

The terrors are fine. You are just another somebody that came and went, hardly left any impressions on their so fragile hearts save for your ‘politeness’. That’s not bad right? Ehk wait? He never even asked me about them duh!!! So Ms. Ritzlin, based on my own personal experience. If he can’t even bring himself to say your daughter’s name then please send him to SCRAP the bugger. Or it’s been just a few weeks lar dey! So can you please cut the new guy some slack. EVEN I am bearing this in mind for future too haha..

Anyway, Che. Beng’s prayers came through the other day. They have come to a fair arrangement of alternate weekends but I think he was more amused with the fact that the ex was heavily reprimanded for ‘wasting’ the courts time and energy to work something so simple. I was laughing too as the reason she said was so that they had witnesses and to keep tempers in check. Then again, the one who got beaten up and almost blind in one eye was che.beng *lolol* so amen to that and till the next chapter. Yeah blood, live and let go woohoo!!

Che. Baby is my ex school mate. We knew each other even way before that but then it was only in secondary school we got closer. We stayed just a few blocks away from each other back then so he was my partner for most things. He also approached me for advice about his impending counseling mission. Here, I want to echo Cik Esah, “Counselling is only for people who really want to change and make things for the better” (her posts are just too close to heart at times) but in Singapore, yes, it is mandatory that you go through the sessions so that couples can avoid the trap of taking the easy way out. If you know the way forward and am clear about your goals and objectives. God willing, you will find your way ahead to be of ease. But, if your intentions are not clear and still hinged on revenge, malicious intent or just plain stupid, then it will be hell. Interventions, especially from the external perimeter will be riddled by loads of prodding questions. Very touchy tau, especially when it’s ‘couple/family counseling’. And of course all your bedroom, bathroom and if you clip your nose hairs kind of questions will be asked and pondered over. The counselors are trained to never trust anyone and to listen to facts without forming any judgments. Their role is merely to guide and provide support. So please do not blame the system or the counselors involved if the outcome you’re looking for is not what you expected. I know it’s not easy, nothing is ever easy. Eggs can be made over-easy :p so please lar! Take it easy can?? Ingin aku nyatakan sini, walau seberaper banyak hantaran kau jolok, disini aku menyatakan yang bukan aku tak sudi. Tetapi sememangnya aku kerek dan sangat hidung tinggi tak memandangkan kau yang abadi sebagai teman yang aku kentutkan diwaktu dulu. Apsal aku reject kau macam hamlau pong kau tak paham-paham nie? Pie saner pujuk bini kan lagik baik! *jotos* But i know its all in jest. takbley gurau duduk surau!

I am open to dating *thankgod* Even though it’s been confusing and very hard. It’s either I come across too cold or too complicated or just plain not his/her type. It’s sexhausting and no wonder so many of us lament the process and just chuck ourselves into the ‘used & abused so fark off not interested’ category. So many I know prefer to live hedonistically where we just fark anybody lar. To live gay! And to be as gay as one can be has become points of contentions worthy of the world’s attention in fact. You ask the 5 whys and most likely their reasons will be due to past failed love stories. But I bet these are the same people that horde by the thousands to know more about finding ‘love’ *guilty as charged* Just Google Nicholas Sparks (message in a bottle anyone?) or remind yourself why love ballads almost always make it to the top of the charts. No man is an island. That’s why the question is always (almost) “Who/what would you bring if you are alone on an island?” as opposed to, “Would you like to be alone on an island?” So no fun man!

I asked myself the latter and I do not want to be alone. I have tried all of the above *coughcough* but it still left me feeling alone. Alienated somewhat, disjointed in many parts. We all do, I am no different than you. Hence the see-saw of conflicting attitudes I had with the ex (recent not the horror of horrors the ex-hubbs). I was so intent on making him be the ONE, and not care that he DIDN’T want me to the the one for him. And you know how super kental buah keduak I was? I couldn’t bring myself to call him Mr. X till I spied that the photos of me in his wallet were gone. And I am still working on it damn it!

I was a runner! I ran away from him many times when it hurt. I buried myself even deeper when I wanted his approval but hey, “it’s better to be hated for who you are than to be loved for someone you are not”.*hugstitemimikus* THAT my compadres is the lesson I had to learn and understand. MORE than TWICE thank you. The more you run, the harder they chase you. And when they do catch up with you, it’s going to be even harder to keep the same pace.

Next time JOG *lol*

So ingat tau kengkawan..JOG….don’t run! This could avoid mati katak in so many damn ways.

stay sane,

amyemeelea

Ps: mati katak = die like a frog. Expression used to refer to dying pointlessly. Or you know the game of the frog crossing the road on the very early ibm pcs? Where your’re the frog crossing a very busy highway full of cars and lorries. In the game, a wrong move (rather indecision) could cause you to mati katak.

typing happy :)

Thomas Hood once said:
“But evil is wrought by want of thought as well as want of heart!”

Wow…tup tap tup tap..It’s been two months and it was pure denial on my part because I JUST realized that I actually really thought it’s been only one month since the dumping experience. Time was just LOST in the lalang *TSSk* >( Yes, yours truly was dumped. Clearly it hasn’t been too difficult to read in between the lines or lack thereof right? :p

Naturally, our problem had been mutually dissected and discussed of course but at the end of the day, the offer of the only and one thing left not tried and tested is to see other people. We each attested to the fact that we did each our best to save us but in the end…jeng..jeng..jeng. The End. I shall reserve my comments for fear of backlash *hurhurhur* or bad karma but one thing for sure. There is always always two side of the story and what should be laid to rest shall have my hopes of peace babe..for peace! For peace *cewah!* maybe who knows in the future, this chapter of my live can also serve as funny fodder for the self in reflection. Of course it shall retain the pedas-ness of my mulot laser and hati sangat sakit memikirkan nya >) its normal what, the dumpee is the victim! And I shall stick to that story thank you.

Kes paksa tau tak terpaksa dan siapa paksa will be put behind to where it MUST be. And you know how I snapped out of my wanita melayu terakhir berangan phase? It was hearing him tell me on our last meeting, “Now you don’t need to look for me” *passing barang* I was nonchalant to his repartee, trying to act blur and still playing cool yeah…thinking, I shall prove to you I totally understand how I had rammed you to make such a decision to check out alternatives. For I do not deny, yours truly is and not easy to fathom nor am I easy to understand. Yesh, love is often not enough and memang cinta itu BUTA! *sigh* love is blind isn’t it? yes please hammer me on my head as I was still aiming at arrows of "bela lar sayer!!~~~” *sniffsniff* in the span of the months following the 'lets' be friends phase playing limbo rock hati, in hopes that the tide by some magic or divine intervention would work in my favour. almaklum, i see myself as a traditionally liberal women. Roughly translates to I do not mind people calling me "perigi cari timba" but I do mind when you play mind games with me. Or was it my own asking? Hrmmm???

Alas, it only took his soft but final “NO NEED” to my face to release me! Amboi macam nak jatuh talak siak :p but that’s how I felt lar. And again….incident after incident just proved me that the spoken word backs up what’s in your heart best and turns truth in action. I refer to ongoing debate and discussion on between “niat dan perbuatan” and let each to their own. Sesungguhnya gua berfeeling emo apabila tergerak hati mengikuti jejak langkahmu. He does work in mysterious ways : ) *Amin* so be FREE my still beating heart YEAHhooOOOOOOOooooo….and so it shall be all dust in the wind *poohkiri!poohkanan!!*

"In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return." Genesis 3:19

Yerlar..TAKKAN nak gua pie taruk talkin untuk sifulan hati gua yang mati nyer tak? Nanti seremsssssssssssssssssss……sendirik! *muahahahaha* I am feeling the flow and typing this as it flows. New inspiration to be real *notDEAD* and as it is from following and reading newly added escribitionistas that I chanced upon while blog-hopping. Yes, energy levels on the peak and adding on to increase steam to push ahead! I must say doamu harapan ku! Dan terima kasih to you for lepas-ing me dari tersiksa batin. Moga kau berbahagia disamping yang tersayang :) NOTA : TER – is used for ‘to love most’ and di – is used to describe “The Loved”. Danke many many! ariogato alompak a go go biks muse! Patah tumbuh hilang berganti? Jangan nak banyak gentel bola tue lari *lolol* dan akan ku daki bukit candu berbekal kan nasik lemak untuk mengundang semangat leftanan adnan *feewit* untuk celebrate LIBERATION!! sayang plak nak main tanam-taman dan buang-buang nie kan? BUT! what needs to be doen SHALL be done....

For you, me and all….BE FREE…

And STAY SANE,
Amyemeelea

Ps: I shall fly and still get HIGH! But it shall be done very much legally hehehehehe… >)

p p s: kepada math tuition chicher ku~, TERIMA KASEH! *singgers*

on the topic...

And a very taboo one at that. Recent conversations touched on the emotional sensitivities of divorced couples. There is a term in malay and very frequently used to describe divorced couples that still want to reunite but can’t seem to work out bad memories to start afresh. Apparently, to hide that desire of wanting to stay together, they (either one or both) still fight on occasion. So a tragicomedy ensues to the hilarity and jibes of those who care (or rather much ado with nothing of consequence hehe).

I was warned about this seemingly ubiquitous virus when I went through mine. And advice on how to avoid and if possible totally immunize oneself of its poisonous sting poured in from all over. I had a general idea about how the inflicted person would react and behave but couldn’t rationalize the logic of wanting to marry again the person you just divorced. Or rather, I didn’t put much thought into it. Nevertheless, dutifully I took the necessary precautions and prayed to be saved from its painful jaws.

So the story goes, a few days back I heard from a friend, che beng. He called to touch base and we did the usual rounds of how are the kids and all. Of course we did the parent thing of trying to fix a date to get the kids to play together when he told me that his ex wife, whom I also have the pleasure of knowing sprung him yet another surprise. They have been separated for four years now? His ex has custody of the daughter and he has his weekly visits and all is SUPPOSEDLY well *ladeeda* she’s happily married and currently expecting so I was surprised when che. Beng told me that the ex just hauled his ass up to court next week. She now wants to shorten his weekend visits to just 10 to 6pm (or something like that) on Saturdays. Family law has a standard that they follow. The parent who has no custody of kids will get all weekends’ sleepovers and holidays are subject to mutual agreement. And as a parent with no custody myself, this was bad news.

Of course I barked at him and asked why would his ex do that?? Did he do something bad to deserve this? I mean that sucks!!! And to make it official and all by having the decree changed and all takes effort and money! Obviously it’s no freaking fun to be interrogated in court and all right? He mumbled his don’t know and then proceeded to ask me for my point of view of her motives. He’s angry of course but sadder with what if it gets approved by the courts! And damn if I didn’t feel for him there and then. The letter didn’t reveal anything instead it just stated plainly the place, time and date for him to show up and defend himself. She hired a lawyer and he’s just going to represent himself.

I scanned my brains for any missing or forgotten update on these two. I was trying to remember if there was any incident that could have lead to this drama. You know, as heard from the grapevines or our usual rant and vent on someone sessions. I am one of those few of their shared mutual set of friends that didn’t get to pick a side hehehe. I mean she left him to marry his best friend , so its kinda tricky sometimes. *blank* nope, I thought. No indication there was trouble brewing from either recently. Last when I met both individually of course, each has shown to have both feet firm in the ground. Che. Beng I must concede still has his wild party side but like all the recent fathers, he dotes on his daughter to the max! he stays with his parents and yeaps, OF COURSE there were stories about his shaggedalic return to singleton town. From the wreck that he was since his separation, che . beng has stabilized himself nicely.

I think it’s great that he adopts a live and let live attitude in all that he does. His ex didn’t do too shabbily either. Happily married and already with her second child, she shared that they’re applying for a flat soon much to my growing envy *sigh* she’s holding down a job she likes and yeaps, the past has been long buried. I could sense that there was still lingering memories between them but me is too shy to pry. I mean they HAD history man the both of them :)

I guess his only gripe was that he wasn’t able to keep it together and hers was just being him. She took custody of the cute one and didn’t want che. Beng to pay for any child maintenance, citing reason that she could afford it herself. He offered but she flat out refused. So it couldn’t be that he faulted on monthly payments? And I told him, he’d get it from me if it’s due to some complaint that he hurt the cute one! He reaffirmed he is NOT guilty of any charges except for wanting to spend his weekends with her!

Hence…the big question marks here. *?????????????* Of course, then the spectre of ‘gila talak’ loomed over our conversation making it creakingly uncomfortable. One just doesn’t want to even say it out loud afraid of being afflicted. Because ‘gila talak’ have been noted to go beyond extremes and it is so emotionally and physically draining to even watch by the sidelines sometimes. There have been cases where exacting revenge came in the guise of the supernaturals *eeek!!* And to be a participant of this undulated attention of the most annoying kind *UGH!* can you imagine trying to start a new relationship with this bugging you?
I told him that I experience my fair share of these kind of skirmishes myself and it’s hard not to react adversely ALL THE TIME! I could only offer him my assurance that it will all work out and best to leave the truth of the matter to show itself in time. Not unless, I teased…that he is actually enjoying this attention hehe >) but then, she has already remarried what…right? So then could this be a case of intentional malice? *gulps* anyway, he’s already prepared himself for the road ahead and that’s what is important.

Remember beb..blood is thicker than water and no matter what, no one can replace you as dad for time to come eternally :) and hey, like I always try to psyche myself up during these downturn of events..”Quality babe, not Quantity”.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee……………………………………..*gerams*

Stay sane,
Jahat

~tuching diaries

What gives?
Nothing.
No one.
Especially not you.
I shall not beg neither will I steal.
Just that I will take what is rightfully mine.
And if so perchance it becomes yours to possess.
Please.
I pray you be kind.
Not for me dare I say?
But for your own soul I wish.
Don’t be hasty, do away with rash.
Can’t you see nothing gives?
When you won’t even receive.

~ monthly updates in memory

uncertainty..

puteri, putera dan emira....

sudahkah mama nyatakan bahawa kamu bertiga pari-pari syurga?

masyaAllah....syurga mama DI dunia akhirat!

*kishromosh*

i love this picture and it seems that i just love putting up photos of all of you at the beach haha.....till i see you all again....

love always,

mama emeelea

The fox jumps over..

In trying to outfox our evolved emotional makeup, please make options your allies by simply remembering stuff below:-

God is not in the details: Go with gut feel and how do you build a good gut? Practice making decisions quickly about small things and routine purchases.

Don’t dwell: Rumination is a dastardly virus that kills any shred of hope in sight. Refuse to spend too much time regretting a decision or blaming yourself for a poor outcome. This is not the same as procrastination hehe. Instead learn from your mistakes and determine to do better.

Keep your expectations realistic: Do your time! And ensure that you do not place all your eggs in one basket too. Needing it all is guaranteed to make you unhappy and can you imagine if the basket broke?

Risk a wrong decision: (Putting all your eggs in one basket is not wrong but STUPID) The longer you sit on the fence; the bigger your shithole is gonna get haha. Fight emotional paralysis by seeing and believing that even making the “wrong” choice is often better than making no choice at all. Many of us learn through trial and error anyway, we got ahead and evolved by blundering our way through life than being a prick and avoid making decisions.

Don’t look back: glances are okay and checking blind spots is always nice but one must engineer their decisions so that it is binding and irreversible. Force yourself to buy final sales items or draw up contracts to state that you will not reverse course on a larger decision. Or better, lose the receipt of your purchases and there goes all your claims :p

Happy anniversary to me!!!!!!!

“Not agonizing about a choice is a choice in itself~ Nando Pelusi”

Stay sane,
Amyemeelea

Ps: case in point is case closed lar!

Claws out..

To whom it may concern…*yeay blogwar!*

I feel no pity for you whatsoever. It’s your own fault your family is distant and that people don’t like you is because the feeling is mutual you PHdumBprick! People tend to avoid being made to feel miserable, and they resent being manipulated. You are just simply an insecure insufferable FARKENDODO. And obviously because I am nobody to you, just opt out the serious wondering about no explanations given. Our last conversation was proof enough that you have negative effects on moi and your vile presence is detrimental to my well being. But hey! It’s obvious WHO has the numbers here >)

*fingersaults!*

And yeah~ oOh woe is you *faints* if your faith in humanity is zilch, nada *ahems* barely negligible. You think therefore you are???? ;) *sniggers* I am sure in your courses of study the phrase if achingly familiar? Go on hope about being bigger and better okay? Just because you have the bestest of intentions and no malicious intent does not make you any more superior than any of us idiot. Get down from that silly looking stool you’re riding as a horse! You might just hurt yourself again humpty dumpty. Then who shall save your cracked and witless ego ? I am sure many lar…just don’t count on the smartest ones to follow your lead *muahahaha*
BRING IT ON!! I like mine BIG, the bigger the better …and I don’t mean your dick.

So long PHDUMBprick! Till i actually care to speak to you ;)

stay sane,

amyemeelea

how do you heal a broken heart? its simple, easy and mess free...IF you'd be brutal about it. you just tell the would be left intended the obvious, "i met someone else". And if she truly loved you, she'd let you go. with all her heart and soul breaking into a million pieces, she would smile at you and understand that your hapiness is first and foremost.

she understands that no matter how she tries to manipulate her worldy charms on you, will come to naught but she still yearns in the meantime and long even to hear your voice. the blushing warmth your lingering peeks gives her, she will miss most of all. not to mention the rush of longing that chokes her heart everytime you kiss are now thoughts forbidden. lest the very act of thinking of you might just rupture her into the realm of only the saintliest would even dream of.

*prrftt*

so the forlorn and envious will take her tiny reluctnt steps away from you. praying and hoping in the quickest time to be furthest away from the one she has presented with her everything. she realises the chosen other will love you the way you will want her. be all that you hope for and more so she squeezes her being shut and first she wishes till she's breatheless then she acts extremely before she finally will breakfree from all the allusions she has been putting efforts in; how wishful now they are.

so yes, try it. you may suddenly be now free of a would be psycho if you make either last as long as the other. and man...you really won't want to piss hangerons if they are roughly i say into years in the relationship. trust me, its like pulling away a bandaid quick and wahlaaaah~!!! you'd be doing the one that gave you her all the mercy of time to recover and get back her lost years.

well she may turn cynical and twisted after that episode depending on the cuts she can show off for but all the more she's now of none of your concern. like i like to quote terror 2 who always has a knack of saying the most infuriating things while trying to escape my clutches of interogation, "DON'T KNOW. DON'T CARE."

so now for you boy, "KNOW. NEVERMIND."

for He is kind to all who still hopes :)

you did your part and then everyone just falls into place again. however how obtuse the angles of fate has a knack of turning corners and what you've lost is to be found where you seek. i once knew of one wise and cheekily rugged hunkerdooderdoo *haha* who cautioned me wisely of each actions one have to take. at the end of it all, no regrets bro...sail the seas and do without the unwanted sail. rip it and leave it as far back and set sail for your future. don't think and over analyse whether she lives or die, you have made that choice. so live it!

me? i hardly take my own advice actually *muahahaha* how would i heal a broken heart? well...the best way will still be as above. why heal when you made the choice NOT to heal right? just break it and be done with it lar. so next time.....i shall take my advise ehk?

be sane,
amyemeelea

imagine this..

you gaze into the horizon, the look in your face suggest serrenity and peace. what lurks behind the mirrors of your soul is glazed over revealing nothing.

she whispers in his ear, "This is the best day of my life dear." and offers her shyest smile, her cheeks gives hint of a blush of pleasure that makes her look like a cat full with cream. she licks her lips suggestively and he reponded with downcast eyes aiming her full lips. he reaches over to plant a kiss and nibbles on the bit of swollen flesh which is willing. he groaned satiedly with pleasure.

in his mind, beyond the grasp of rising desire rushing to his temples he sees a vision. the mist of melancholy clears and he's lulled back in her tight embrace. he blinks and pulls her closer and whispers into her hair which smells forbiddenly of lust, "and until forever ends, i will love you each day like this my sweet kismet."

yet the face was not hers. she of flesh and blood wilts in comparision to which that is her. his first love.

*crick crick crick*

and we wonder why we each burn with such passionate fevour at times when the truth eludes us beyond the reflections of our private thoughts. i will hate myself if i was her of flesh and blood but my soul would pray with silent hopefuls of forever to be her in his mind.

then to end the turmoil between my hate and loathesome envy...I'd kill him ten thousand times over with all that is within my capabilties, making sure he suffers, till he is merely just dusts of nothing, erased from my being.

*burp*

just thoughts...nothing more >) and the movie was called "Love is a many splendoured thing" NOT "Love many it's a splendorous thing." *hehehe* while it is completely natural, even out of sheer habit to compare past loves to present ones in some areas, ITS cardinal sin number ONE if you use your past love as a measuring stick for the present one (even those who follow), bet you'd experience HELL on earth and damnation through eternity.

GET OVER IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! or trust me, you,d be in trouble.

stay sane,
amyemeelea

made for me...

*breathe*


Its been many minutes leading to hours that this ache in my heart has yet dulled. Each long stoking of its heartstrings leads to sighs and my eyes would suddenly water.The music lurking in concerto grosso around me doesn’t help the smarting around the rims of my fluttering eyelids.then, an inescapable sigh accompany the melodius maladies brings me back to here. My now; as i wipe away the tiny rivulets of moonjuice thats feels sticky against my palm. *breathesharder* i had to gather my strength, steady myself to be battle ready with the stream of thoughts flowing out.


*hear goes*


i had once heard or read somwhere, "The hardest part of loving someone is knowing when to let go, and knowing when to say goodbye." but of course, the heart longs and mourns for its lost and one can do naught but wait out its pulling tides into oblivion. You hang on and seek solace in the throbs of all your memories fleet by. Then you realise the truth to tell yourself that it was the time. When it is hard to see the person you love, not love you; it is waaaay much harder to see him with you and unhappy!! *thinks of bik’s dream* and i truly believe it to be, that there are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, think about things we don't want to know but have to learn, and missing nearly to death people we can't live without but have to let go!


so leading me on by my nose is the saving grace of youtube! Song after song and i get soothingly eased to indulge in what we women do best when feeling all stressed up. CRY *uwaaaa* Tense builds up the reserve reservoir i think. Still, i had to smile in anticipation of the sensations of both my eyes closed up tight tonight all puffed up from watching sappy music videos.


: )


This beats watching mixed martial arts (MMA) fights hehe..because its no fun watching fights and violence alone. Somehow the experience is heightened when you glow in the bask of an offer of praise for a well said commentary of the fight. Even the knockouts were fun. *sigh* but yes, habits must die and i must learn to let go. *waves*


But of course. How can i deny that it seems all the love in the world can’t put back together again this heart of mine when it blew into a thousand million pieces of hurts when i had to accept the reality of “Goodbye”.

“Sweet for a little even to fear and sweet,O Love!

to lay down fear as Love's fair feet;

Shall not some fiery memory of his breath

Lie sweet on lips that touch the lips of death?

Yet leave me not; yet if thou wilt, be free;Love me no more, but love my love of thee,

Love where thou wilt, and live thy life;

and I,One thing I can, and one Love cannot die.

~Algernon Charles Swinburne

Hurtfully yours *nsanely,
amyemeeelea

posh, average 25 and everything nice...

as it happens when one has gone through a near death experience or something traumatic, they will do their damnest to feel alive at every opportunity. we plunge ourselves into the most adrenaline pumping experience we could think of even if it was just another round of futsal or a movie u slept through. hoping that somehow you could get your heart beating again.

distractions after distractions and there i was late for practice and we all had to hop into a cab to make sure coach would not be vomiting blood while we all strolled in late for the now extended run he had already warned us from last year. most of the gals were there today and the excitement built up to a near suicidal mission as we each contemplated the time it will take for each of us to complete the course. i never ran or been to bedok reservoir before. passing it at night through drives taken alongside the park, it has always given me goosebumps. today as we crossed the street, the water rippling gently in the breeze that was picking up and the leaves doing its joy of dance in shimmery greens, the serenity of it all gave me the encouragement i needed to pump just the right amount of adrenaline i craved.

the gals laughed alongside me and our coach announced that some of the gals have already started on their run. i grunted and then went o pick on my shoes and tried to stretch. i didn't want to die out of breath and i thought of all the late nights i have been keeping. "are you going to die later?" steph asked me. "yes" was my obvious answer. all around they giggled and we headed straight to the track to start. i had my new spanking g shock that i bought for training but decided against timing my run today. i told myself i needed to do it slow, ease out the tension i felt instead of trying to shock myself with a heart attack of sorts. beds ran alongside me and we talked about family stuff. beds was easy to talk to and her voice soothing which made running a lot easier. fun even.

of course i was LAST *muehehehe* but i had the privilege of kidd and lina to be late so they were running behind me. we had to wait for them. as i ran in to finish, this time yan beside me pushing me to the limit; she ran back to see if i had truly passed out hehe, so sweet! the cheers from the gals already resting up ahead instantly made me run faster. my heart felt like it could have broken my ribcage though. the compliments poured in and i reveled in them. hah! posh spice *smirk* lina and kidd came in just shy of the few minutes since i had arrived. my panting hasn't even slowed down. we picked up our bags and headed towards school.

we had a new physical instructor and we had to do circuits. the gals grumbled and complained but we all did great. i feigned unfit today but yet i just had to finish up because the shot i needed wasn't felt acutely. i wanted it to really render me helpless this time as i reminded myself to breathe and in between gulps of water. it finally came after situps and i excused myself to merlion in the toilet. the pitch was moving beneath me after that and it was another round of kicking and practice heading. i felt better in a weird sort of way and finally my head eased to be free of everything else espescially thoughts of eventful friday.

i didn't know why i said what i said but then it is all past now. turning another year older filled my head instead and of course another trip planned to escape. before that, celebrations! and i thought of what to wear. how droll and so frivolous. yet, another day passed and i was still alive. maybe reading the whole twilight series in a week and now having fantasies of being bella the torn heroine inspired me somehow. she made me realise that being practical and cautious was the way to move on ahead. a dash of extremity here and there, never losing the tenacity to surrender to ones feelings without regrets eventually made bella very happy. in her own dead way haha :) what were the odds anyway of finally getting all that you dreamed of when your goals were once thought impossible and unattainable *sigh* note to self....its time to switch to the real world and back to reality hehe..NO MORE ROMANCE TILL I FINISH 'The Origins and History of the Consciousness' by Erich Neumann ;)

yet again......reattunement was the key.

stay sane,
amyemeelea

ps: love never always come in convenient packages *kishforhead*

Better late than never..

And rolls in a scatter of words to usher in the new year. Hello 2009!
Novel did not materialize; it went the way of my assignments hehe. And terrors will be terrors as in they are just fine. Work is never ending till 530pm and this time *ahems* I am keeping it that way. Bobby is stuck with me, that’s year 3 in putting up with me :p I just hope shikino can bear with the madness of me and all for another wee longer. In summation, 2008 was a success and so shall 2009. Although I will really hate it if it turns out to be a mirror image or nightmare of all nightmares….exactly the same! *gasp* although I am fairly confident that, THAT can never happen UNLESS I am stuck in the twilight zone *cue music*

Curiously, the thing that stuck with me most alarmingly was the reluctance of my resolutions to resolute! It came and went and ebbed into my consciousness’ and by midnight when it should be me staring into the bold words of my new year’s sort of bucket list, I found myself looking directly into the eyes of love instead. So as you can tell, all matter and manner of order obliterated into chaos; worst!!! It’s all wrapped in enigma *not enema* I had very much wanted to force it out! But another exclamation brought me to another standstill. In hushed tones I was told that resolutions splayed in open will not come true hence this originator did not even want a single speck of his being known. I thought it was novel! And since I have never tried to keep mum about mine, this year mine too shall be cloaked in shrouds of silence. Who knows, maybe this year ALL of them will come true woohoo!

Still, it will not be fair if I were to keep mum about the highs in celebration of course. And it is not justice unless I could recapitulate my lows in reflection. I managed to travel once on an airplane and another on a boat ride before ending my jaunts with a long bus ride. I want to list the books acquired for 2008 but that would be too many of highs to note. Then of course my pride swelled to its peak when ALL the terrors are now officially able to operate the internet more effectively. Meaning that they ALL know how to chat on msn and the operative word here being also ‘email’ *rubs hands in glee* I want to say I officially graduated! But my results were dismal and we all know why. I still think of lalaLove as a success but then my miniscule partaking of DMU’s launch has proved to be much of value in returns. I got confirmed at work after the longest 6 months probation only to be severely reprimanded a bit later for ‘performance not up to standard’ *glares* and then of course there is S-O-C-C-E-R. Or rather what started as just futsal kick about every sunday has made me the official honorary social in charge of the Marine Parade Women’s Soccer Team. I bet Mew would have been a more suitable candidate. And how can I forget my on wanderlust jaunts with muses of all muses *hugsbiks* which are sporadic then always so so memorable! The pc got busted but I finally got my laptop!!!! *hyperventilate* but it has yet churned out more results I so desire *prrft* my road warrior aspirations made me realize maybe I am destined to be asphalt goop instead. Then there is the unforgettable, i-lost-my-handphone fiasco which lead into my possession my new spanking e71! Last but not least, I cut my hair! Sad but true, my saving grace is that I could still headbang muahahaha…

…”on time past and time future contained in time present…” I give you it’s all in full glory. May it inspire you as it did for me to stop looking back and forth for some kind of absolution or to scour at its most telling to perform abscission of the rotting and toxic ‘time’. Brings new dimensions to ‘forgive and forget’ aye? ;)

“Time present and time past
Are both perhaps present in time future,
And time future contained in time past.
If all time is eternally present
All time is unredeemable.
What might have been is an abstraction
Remaining a perpetual possibility
Only in a world of speculation.
What might have been and what has been
Point to one end, which is always present.
Footfalls echo in the memory
Down the passage which we did not take
Towards the door we never opened
Into the rose-garden. My words echo
Thus, in your mind.

.............

Time past and time future
Allow but a little consciousness.
To be conscious is not to be in time
But only in time can the moment in the rose-garden,
The moment in the arbour where the rain beat,
The moment in the draughty church at smokefall
Be remembered; involved with past and future.
Only through time time is conquered.”

~~ From Burnt Norton (1936) by Thomas Stearns ELIOT (1888-1965)

To all, Salam Maal Hijrah! And of course toast to a fantabulous new year ahead if not already.

Stay sane,
Jahatamyemeelea & the 3 terrors

tired rant..

"The human heart has hidden treasure,
In secret kept, in silence sealed." ~ Charlotte Bronte, "Evening Solace"

i try to create a little changes when i can. me who is addicted to cheap thrills and all things nonsensical and usually pretty rude hehe....it helps keep routine at bay, inject a wee bit of disorder in my already disorganized life. but i can't complain because who would want to listen to the same rant over and over again. work, love and more mindless irritating bigots to deal with. some people can really write humour but mine i think is so dry even i can't swallow powdered snot *bleargh* eeeeeeeeeeeeeew~ otey that's just too difficult to even imagine.

so i joined a soccer team. i wanted to manage a band. helped to glamorise my girlfriend's events and then i am writing a novel. which incidentally is still in the works. the only solid support i have lately is myself. and ever so often, a good hearty hello or prod from the bestest muses i could ever have *nugdebiksetans* the terrors have finished their exams and it seems that they have outgrown the i-need-to-sleep-with-a-teddy-bear phase. again, i got sick and its ALL my fault for not taking any precautions *cough* :p or rather i am thinking i should be going around wearing a mask. for a while i think i did rid of the toxins draining me but i have a knack of sniffing them out in another form and go right ahead and shoot them up my nose. but kudos to me, i have managed to expel the facebook addiction *somewhat* muahahaha.

the songs i have saved in my playlists are still very sappy and i haven't gotten round to changing my screensaver or fiddled major with lapicits in any way *gah!* so much for my dreams of becoming a raod warrior. lapicits hasn't gotten around to lee kong chian yet. maybe as far as woodlands regional library where i managed to surf free! at least i MANAGED...such a tech dumb ass that i am. so looking back, i can change and am able to create that tiny drivel of creative vertex i so crave. yet like a top i soon, very soon lose steam again unable to spin again. i realise yet again, and clearly see my mistakes but am so prone to depend on others for validation. its seems that loyalty binds me to the most uncompromising beings. none too valuable if you ask me but why oh why do i bother as much *clutchesheart*

another bout of hibernation planned. not much to brag about but i am in hopes that change in the air will bring with it; gentle breeze of inspiration. soulful meanings once lost hopefully will make its scent tickle these numb nosey senses of mine to a life going forward a bounty more fruitful. ah *sigh* the optimism of youth *LOL* you fall and if you are lucky, you'll look up to an offered hand. if you're not, a slap perhaps. either way be thankful that you are alive to feel the warmth of a firm soulful grip. if not the smart sting of a reminder that its nothing personal, just another bitchslap to wake up and smell the bloody shit hell hole that you have actually managed to fall into. maybe you deserve it because you keep falling into the same hell hole again and again.

i shall let my secrets lie safe for the moment as i have released it. with hope and trust that it shall lead to forgiveness and turn into good. like shit turning into manure hehehe...have i hit my head somewhat or had the hits in the futsal cage zonked my already singed marbles? well, god knows.

till then, stay sane if not as sane as you will ever can and will be. nothing feels more sane that to laugh and cry at the same time.

toddles.....till the next ramble ;)

amyemeelea

realisations as they come..

“Your intentions create the reality that you experience until you become aware of this, it happens unconsciously. Therefore be mindful of what you project. That is the first step toward authentic power.” ~ Gary Zukav as smsed to me on August 26th , 2008 by my wanderlusts muse.

A few more days to Holidays and bummer are the facts that my pay is not in yet, or that some going ons in my life are not as how I would want them to be. The terrors mope and cry about not being able to see me today but I steeled myself against the erosion of salty tears to come with the slick warmth of glowing positive thoughts. Hard as it may be but very very possible.

It’s hard to accommodate to every whim and request. Especially when it comes from people and values that you put way high up on the top of your table of priorities. I can be bitter and cynical, even stoically calm at times but at the end of the day....I am still human. Although at each time or in such instances, I like to comfortably slink back into anyone of my personas for ease of easy to read moulds. I could be the Cheshire cat, weird and gaunt in looks and feel. Maybe even the ubiquitous desktop giggle dispenser in bright neon pink! *thatistheonlytimeilikepink!* Then I could be also Amie, my hair blowing in the winds of cold melancholic nights beside the beach under the moon, my eyes grey with specks of green and gold reading aloud from the book of O to a chosen one mouthing silent arguments; pleas of understanding. My favourite has always been the confusion and gamut of jahatamyemeelea, a mix of extreme hyper confusion sometimes wanting to be known yet at all times in search of solitude. Yes..I revel in my wide array of personas and not a single one of them is less real than the other. They will bleed and overlap in each other, fighting for space to exist but never have I been saner than just being one. Accusations of what is real and spotting of who is the paragon of my true self never bothered me. Jolts of cheers and the scores of boos will boost my life to steer me in its ups and downs but I never felt lost *oteyonceortwice* as I knew and respect each and every of myself intimately for what they each believe in and hold close to their hearts. I am who I am because of the presence I feel and that I still hold true to validate what it means to be present in any situation even when I feel vehemenantly that I do not belong.

We could be one and then we could be all.

What struck me most very recently is the constant reminder that one should keep silent if there isn’t anything good or pleasant to say. So the assumption to non replies is logically ‘not positive’. Silence can be deafening and that is worst punishment one can be able to endure and seek meaning in. Why, music without words is not without the tugs and pull of the heartstrings and no wonder souls seek the purity of the unspoken rather than rely on the accompanied words. Because words are meant to clarify and enunciate what is in the heart, mind and spirit but yet because of its nature of duplicity and fragility it always is just gets lost in translations. It is just another vehicle to set life at still in motion isnt it? The combination of all that exist is up for grabs for those who have the courage and knowledge hence, pick your weapon of choices with care and the clarity, hold to the ideal of peace not unlike a general heading to war. Isn’t life worth fighting for? And whose life is most important and not precious as yours and those who matter.

We communicate at all times be it consciously or under the stealth of anoyminity, riding on the our vehicle communication of choice, but all that it means is the need rise against the struggle to be ourselves by associating ourselves with common labels strewn under the guise of how, who, what and why we mean to others. To seek that delicate balance so that that we don’t fall into our dark mean recesses is a very general role ideal to most of us. Actions lead to who we are; I think therefore I am. And I quote because I can! *muahahah* as to me nothing is original *teehee* ;) And I stay silent because I want to believe my aunthenticity is real just misunderstood because the other is ignorant. It is difficult to walk the less trodden path but who is to say that being happy running the wheel as a rat or cute hamster is less fulfilling? :) Be what you want! Work for that utopia you want to realise as there is none but the written destiny in your stars to realise.

Slash/ignore *ifimaycreditittoanoriginalsoulorsoulswholayclaim*

So to some, I honour your intentions as I receive them through the universe and I shall still pick and choose my personas as I deem fit. Just so you know that I was never silent and I was never out to hurt or maim. I seek only to live and find my own meaning of what it is to be myself. My past, my present and what the future unfolds to be read in my actions or maybe as laid out by the cards or swayed by the winds of change is me and non other. And if you had any inkling of how everything has truly a meaning, you won’t be silent or leave it to the universe to make me understand you. Leaving life to fate could take to mean anything. How about those ass-u-me assumptions that we so often fall prey to? ;) You eat and can still be eaten *hehehehe* puns always intended *jeng!*

Then again, the roles we take on and the meaning we seek changes every minute and every second. I pray and hope that your choices and eliminations will give you the meaningful life that you seek. Your prerogatives are my guides because I choose to be human neither a thing nor an animal. I truly believe enlightment only comes to those who endure and have the determination to push against any moulds or barriers and once found it will be murderously difficult to fathom its forceful directions. Maybe I could be deemed as lost and as misguided by any but we all look at the same stars and we all hold on to our own interpretations of faith. There you sit on your high horse or look down on from your pedestal of truth. Yet humility touches us at random and at times, we seek the solace and ambiguity of just needing to be. You, me, they and all are only as different and unique as our own fingerprints yet to the core basics we all bleed blood - o, a, b or separated by the negatives and positives. So please don’t mind my ramblings nor are my actions when it gives you any sensations because you have decided, THAT is IF to YOU.....I am NOTHING.

Yes...depersonalize me, and judge me all you want. Place me where nothing dwells if that is where you want to place me and I promise you nothing will I be. I am who, what and why you want or need me to be. No rationalisations needed nor will there be regrets and apologises needed because I just have ceased to be in your world of being. If you do believe that nothing is really nothing *checkoutthevalueofvaccumsmuahahaha* My wish and hopes always have been and will be; to be given the freedom of life as it is given to me and to honour and respect yours with very breath I am allowed to take.

Stay sane yous,

Jahatamyemeelea is looking up to the heavens and gives thanks for the moisture i emit that runs from the cold surfaces from the mirrors of life.

from the shadows of the den...

the self emerges but not after being blinded the the lightness of all beings :)

reminds me the story of the men in caves in Republic by Plato..as an allergory of many all of us live in caves of ignorance. if not total ignorance *sometimeunavaoidable* then in relative ignorance because that is all that we know. when people are faced with the truth, we first shirk away, hide and cower in fear back to the lives that we know but when you continue to face your shadows, it gets much easier easier to handle. you'd be craving for more in fact! so the people around you will find you wacky, crazy then maybe a danger to society but you don't care...as once you've tasted the truth, you won't ever want to go back to being ignorant.

for full story ----> http://http://webspace.ship.edu/cgboer/platoscave.html

dang! i wish i could do nicer links :p *BIKSSSSSSSS!~*

but then each our truth differs of course, by our many biasness and then influence of experience. i do not want to sound so bleak nor do i want to read despondent *lol* but then hey hey! i need to vent :p of tempers flaring and then some inevitable breakups. the espionage of darting around in after the shadows then running amok with wild accusations of hidden motives and intentions *sigh* so i note that librans prefer uncomplicated lives but yet they idolise thier inner divas. aquarians seek the stability of constant reassurances if not the heightened drama of thier own carved niche. stay away from hybrids! and never fall for a sagitarius if you do not want to get burned~! BAD!!!! taureans are generally weird cows that moo and then surprise you with milk that will tempting dark chocolatey noir with enough bite. nothing is original! play scarbulous and then kinda mix it all up and you'd get randomness..or some swear its creativity at its peak *coughcough* scorpios sting themselves but live long enough to tell the tale and then there are those the aries, fiery and raging under simmer of stoic calm. the leos stylish and proud to the hilt if not they slink back to empty dens to chew on bones of contentions. pieces of the other zodiac signs i have yet to make minute judgements but lets have it stay at that. orh and me? what about the capricious capricock whose dull at times tinged with melacholic despondence *hiccups*

am trying to steer clear of all things bad is one thing but to go loco and join a futsal team is another *hehe* He finally answered my prayers and i got to meet with mama baru \daSTEPMOM/ and can i mention the silly or rather obnoxious green eyed monster of my ex celebrated his 2nd year wedding anniversary when it was annouced he just got married early this month *gofigure* but all that i remember this week is that you lose much but pick up hidden treasure along the way.

the terrors likes the song below by Unggu \a indonesian band yeay~!/we actully youtubed for the song and liriks :D and terror 3 did a lil dance to it. of course they asked my why i cried afters but that is another entry altogther ;)

Andai Ku Tahu
Andai kutahu
Kapan tiba ajalku
Ku akan memohon
Tuhan tolong panjangkan umurku
Andai kutahu
Kapan tiba masaku
Ku akan memohon
Tuhan jangan Kau ambil nyawaku
Aku takut Akan semua dosa dosaku
Aku takut Dosa yang terus membayangiku
*Instrumental*
Andai kutahu Malaikat
Mu kan menjemputku
Izinkan aku Mengucap kata tobat padaMu
Aku takut Akan semua dosa dosaku
Aku takut Dosa yang terus membayangiku
Ampuni aku Dari segala dosa dosaku
Ampuni aku Menangisku bertobat padaMu
Aku manusia
Yang takut neraka
Namun aku juga
Tak pantas di surga
Andai kutahu Kapan tiba ajalku
Izinkan akuMengucap kata tobat padaMu
Aku takut Akan semua dosa dosaku
Aku takut Dosa yang terus membayangiku
Ampuni aku Dari segala dosa dosaku
Ampuni aku Menangisku bertobat padaMu

toddles peoples *sobs* salam Nuzul Al'quran yang akan menjelangs *salams*

stay sane not angry angry depress mepress~,
jahatamyemeelea

Hateful conversations...

Che Tash: Kak mi..Do you want to have dinner with me?

Moi: Set arh! We can catch up with each other and unwind over dinner. It’s been a long time since I saw you anyway.

Che Tash: Sounds like an idea. We must find a place that is not crowded; food is good and also cheap? *winks*

Moi: All above me agree and concur.

Che Tash: so what about if we were to go eat yong tau foo at lau pa sat?

Che Tash: or maybe popeye's chicken nearest to your place? *drools*

Moi: You feel having Popeye’s chicken ijit?

Che Tash: Nice wot? Not nice meh?

Chet Tash: Well, you are the one who is buying anyway so I’ll gladly just tag along.

Moi: Tash, kak mi nak pegi berak japs aarh. BRB!

Che. Tash: oteyS~

Moi: Back! I feel like eating nasi lemak.

Che Tash: At changi? Isn’t that too far away?

Che Tash: Actually I don’t mind nasi lemak at change. I love their chicken wings!!

Che Tash: So have you decided where we should meet and eat? Can you also help me buy something along the way? Near your workplace there is this fantastic shop that sells cheap hair clips!

Moi: everything also ask me

Che Tash: 1 more hour to go!!!!! I can’t wait to see you! Ehk? Why? I am not saying you SHOULD buy for me those clips and I can decide for dinner if you want. You just can’t say NO and have to agree with all that I decide.

Che Tash: Why so silent? Are you angry? Or maybe busy now?

Moi: *smilelikegoat*

Che Tash: Otey, shall we just go ahead and eat at lau Pa Sat since it’s nearer to you? Or we can make the trip down to change for nasi lemak? Is it too far? There usually is a LONG queue there you know.

Moi: If you don’t want its okay we can have murtabak.

Che Tash: Err….when did I say ‘don’t want’? Which part was it?

Che Tash: Tell me if you want me to decide?

Moi: nevermind…I will see you at city hall then we will make our way to lau pa sat to have dinner. Then afters, we can have coffee. Ok?

Che Tash: Ok.

Moi: Don’t be late!

Che Tash: yes. See you then...


**tell me who you hate most? The annoyingly sweet always wanting to please che. Tash or plain me?

Stay sane,

Jahat