a good trip without mariam

it was to jogja and back, a birthday treat from karna. five fufilling days of my wishes fufilled no questions asked nor planning needed. i just took care of the tickets and it was free sailing all the way. fantastic couldn't justify the trip nor could the word awesome fill the gaps of the smallest experience. food was dirt cheap and we ate simply. if you count steaks and nasik gudeg the local speciality simple. we swam and and laughed a lot. i nodded to sleep in between rest time and marvelled at sights i only had to wish aloud. karna made it all possible. even the terrors were not left out of the experience as we trekked sights and sounds to record for them. i left the phone switched on but it wasn't brought on the road. all the photos taken were by karna, the most poignantly delicious left imprinted in our memories. i was a very happy hippie kitty in old soul jogja.

one irritating thing was the fact that i couldn't go! i ate all the fruits and veges i could get my hands on but no solid waste wanted to flush out. slightly bloated, i sucked in my tummy for bikini shots hehe. the trek up the mountains left me bretaheless and i saw rabbits skinned to be eaten as satay *bleargh* karna joked if i wanted to buy the skins back as rugs when he saw my scrunched up face at the thoaught of furry little things being eaten. well! he ate bats for godsakes!! i'd do the disgusting when there is no other alternantive on the principle of surviving of curse *gag* still it will be hard to eat anything so cute!

we got back and its been mad to say the least. cathing up on work and then trying to co-ordinate the move at the same time. bobi was surprisingly nice last night when i asked for an extension. he probably felt embarassed withmy outburst via sms. i just didn't get the numerous questions of when. yes, we do have a problem showing shreds of affection we have left for each other but usually we cover up our gaffes with good humour. that is more than enough for me at least. blood will always be thicker than water but that doesn't mean it couldn't thin at all. asparin will do just nicely if you ask any heart patient.

while we were gone the dear old mentor for singlalaland launched a book. karna was called right after for his comments. he was cooking soup hehe. we didn't entertain any work while in jogja yet his pulse on the undercurrents of his pet subject was impecable. the dutch radio took all of 15 minutes and then it was over. i was listening hard but i couldn't realy guess what it was. it was only the next day at work that i found out the source of recent minister lee's brouhaha. the racket online and amongst friends were about his book and HE had to say something quite discrimantory about the malay muslims in singapore. obviously whenever he opens his mouth, many sinagporeans, even those who don't know if they can vote sit up and pay attention.

no one in the community dared to speak up agaisnt the old man. he is the all powerful afterall. here was the guy attacking the malay muslims in sinagpore for being exclusive and now more strict with their beleifs. he proposed that muslims in singapore should be LESS strict with our practices and try to live to be more secular *jeng jeng jeng* he noted that the ministers of the past used to fish and drink with him but now, they ask if the food is prepared halal. wokay..the man was walking down memory lane lar. so give chance? turns out now between the two senile men of bongoland and singlaland is trying to best each other whose more bonkers in the head :p

stay sane,

j.amyemeelea

whats your worth? i mean POINT!

from ghostly whispers, a question was raised. do we compare currents with our exes? i believe its inevitable as we're comparing all the time and base our actions on decisions and more decisions. an ex *ahemssssssssssssharkpTUiii* (you don't have to guess WHICH one) told me recently that he made his choice between his wife and me based on 'the road that he want to follow'. i assumed he was speaking about the highway road to heaven when he decided on her and since he didn't elaborate, i shut my trap from further pick-your-brain follow up questions BECAUSE........>)

I DON'T CARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

every time i do compare i say a prayer for the dead and leave it to rest. its like how you throw salt over your shoulders to avoid bad luck for some. i think its to blind the devil or something. it just means that i don't like to bring up the dead and IF they do so come up in my consciousness, it means that either soul is restless. what else can one do but say a prayer right? as compared to you who then placate yourself with 'not everyone is perfect and since i'm married now so i must be content' thoughts and mode of action. you're right, YOU made that choice and you CHOSE her. the best woman won i said to be polite *hurrayyyyyyyyy* BUT no....you have to point out that she isn't best. you added that, i was in comparison to her much better in some aspects but not others. of course THIS was WHEN you were still comparing kasos to moi~ i didn't FIT ler obviously as i'm not something your wear on your feet you know! *faceplam*

again....i bit my fingers before i could type I DON'T CARE!!! only to have you ask me *coughscover!coughsss* curious questions about the my sex life and if karna believes in God?

*doublefaceplam* but i forgive you for your bouts of 'curiosity', maybe not forgive but bley layan ah.

does it make you feel better that i'm happy? are you really glad that things are going well for me? do you really believe its your wishes for me that made me happy now? it was really hard for you too you said? and at least you were honest to me about kasos right? you ONLY did what was best for you and her at the time. you both decided that THIS is best and errr...where did all the above leave me? wait!!! are you insinuating that you're just 'making do' with wifey? settling for second best? and believe love will come later?

i believe you told me in addition to above, no no no..REMINDED me to not compare especially AFTER the 'i do, till death do us part' vows. *ARGHHHHHughhhhhhhhhh* at that moment, it still didn't occur to you that, I'M NOT into comparing at current and exes at all. i couldn't even bring MYSELF to date another while i was busy making a fool out of myself with you. all those wasted years (okay~~~ i was still the willing party no doubt) i still cuckolded myself to believe that i WAS the better woman. it was only after you finally, FINALLY...OWN up (yeaps, red handed buddy~) 1 month before getting hitched that i hit myself in the head and told myself to kick the bucket.

i mean....do we really need to go through this all over again? why the @*!&*&^$*(&#(!^#$*%$@* is my block and delete not working when its supposed to be working. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! *pushkick*

*burp*

okay, i feel much better.

stay away,

emeelea

ps: we have expressed our gratitude and accepted the path forward to live with each our conscience. nie kes sua macam rekord buruk tau, silap hari bulan betol peh kena humban.

will and wit...au contraire

birthday celebrations started way early but i was being blase about. save for bits of excitement that bubbled up sporadically since new year 2011. i was haggling with myself about resolutions even when i gave up the idea of having any for quite sometime *hehehe* but the fire puja did what it was intended for, i do feel more free.

so the cartons are at home in the midst of being filled and then i'm in the middle of an audit at work *bleargh* the night before birthday was a meeting night and ended up in the office till 10pm. IT FEELS LIKE beginnings are running towards me at the speed of a bullet TRAIN and i.can.just.about.COMBUST.

*faint*

i forgot how it feels to be working hard and playing harder. i went to have a quick look at the new place in woodslalaland. finally, a birthday wish come true and have a hole in the wall to call my own. roomie (housie?) turned out to be way cool and very independant. you can't fault a 21 year old gal who has her own crash pad. it took me about 2 hours to get 'home' via bus but it was during peak hours so serve me right for staying till late at the office. i have a sun and a moon in the room, a single bed that has a pull out so i can sleep top and bottom if i so desire but more so for the terrors when they sleep over. yeah so i have to travel to the bathroom but so far the other 2 rooms is still empty. it be just ms. housie and me. sweeeeeeeeeeeeeet. it looks very much like the study room it used to be but my desk and the dressing table will fit right in. not so sure how the purple boudoir look will be able to fit but i'll make do. maybe add a few glow in the dark stars for some effect hehehe

its work and more packing tomorrow but i'll have the terrors help me out. they'd like the fact that the place is still fairly close. we have an oven and a huge living room. i do't know where i'd put ALL my books though and the house needs some time to be lived in.

birthday so far has been a balst and i LOVE all my presents. overload from karna who did nothing but shopped for me on his last trip. i got many things yindian! *haha* but somehow the melancholic streak in me still tugs :) maybe its the news that there is a 13th zodiac lurking somewhere out there that makes me a sagitarius instead of a capricock :p first things first, get my butt over the new place and try to settle in as much as i can then its another birthday round to the land of the shadows. afterwhich i really need to take time and be still. we spoke about moving away and completely detaching ourselves from the 'unimportant' and slowly the fact that we all do move away and some to never come back rings more honest.i like that and would like to make a stop only to be in moments i want to stay in. even momentarily before moving on forward again. time doesn't move backwards right? yet it does in the fallible human mind.

have i changed or did everything else left me behind? why does illuminati (add.com later) spelled backwards lead to the NSA website???? *hurhurhur* now its invite mr. sandman and to sniff old laundry to sleep *bliss* dream of purple boudirs and of maharani sarees :D not to forget a proper hike up the mountains to see the plains of java. i don't think i have CARGO PANTS *gasp* but bikini i have a few wooooooots! please God. make me STILL.

stay sane,
j.amyemeelea

ps: a year older and they all say its just a number but what a start to doubles it IS. you can't cry hard enough but one can stop and stay still if will and wit so desires. hello den and HELLO karna's SWAMP DEN :D

that lump in my throat..

turning the pages i flip
then flop
then thwHack a tight slap...

of coos and ahhs and the many sniffs
i sneered, then snuffed at the pages cold
the pictures don't flick...

though the heart did a flippity flop
it slinked, to slump my
shoulders slunk in a low bow...

not there in physical flesh
neither could i be in a flash
yet in spirit i whisper...

in silence to feel and to hope
of courage, compassion and love
to the terrors 1, 2 and 3...

we seek, we strive before to soar
way up the sky nigh high
will each of your destiny reach...

feel the pride, have my beaten soul
a little and all to firmly hold
salute my little terrors...

be bold! mama's peeking beyond graces fold.......

j.amyemeelea

ps: maybe some day, instead of your first days at school, i will have the pleasure of handing you each your convocation roll. it shall say 'permanent head damage' or PHD for short :D *bows* hopeful by then i won't be too old bwahahahaha...

its counting to...

kama's coming back to singy AND of course my birthday wooooooooooooooooooooHOOOOOOOOOO!! he didn't sound so good today because of the runs he got from some flying virus. or maybe its the thought of coming back to the mundane. holidays do that to you. its 3 more days and i'm expecting a lot of cuddling to happen over the weekend PLUS we're making confirmations for the trip to shadow land. where i'm promised naughty bits like skinny dipping hehehe... >)

i bought a small pocket emoley monthly journal PLUS an A5 blank emoley.J to accompany thoughts into 2011. the trip to kinokuniya and walking parts of orchard that day was therapeutic. by 130pm i was in a taxi to far east plaza and stopped over at far east plaza to have wantan mee at puncak. quite dissapointing but its one of those old time hang outs that i just had to drop by. in black and heels, my bag carrying from majapahit to putrajaya AND the spirit of wood *slapforehead* to keep kama close i ALMOST broke my heels not to mention my back. i made calls to reserve my emoleys beforehand and it was nice to know they kept good stockpiles of moleskines there. yes! i am for the snob appeal, designed in italy but made in china *prrrft* heart fell a bit there but its a signature i want to keep.

in addition to my emoleys, i bought another book on the tarot by rachel pollack (who knew she was a transsexual?!!), a new deck of tarot cards in art noveau style and last but not least for jokey fun, i added 'Heidegger and a Hippo Walk Through Those Pearly Gates' by Thomas Cathcart & Daniel Klein. it was the eve of new year, i was missing kama (and eberyone in between) and i thought how better to ruminate; explore life, death and the afterlife by using old fogey jokes. it rained a bit and it was hard to find a corner to smoke. my feet were SCREAMING murder!!! and i needed to pee so i took the underground to wheelock reminding myself NO BORDERS en route before i stopped at a very crowded rubi store (they sell cheap shoes) and grabbed a pair of bling-bling sandals to wear. it was ANY excuse to get out of my heels so i braved the queue and waited in line to pay for my 5 dollar find ONLY to be asked for 15 dollars! *(&#@@&*$^@*&$@*()

i didn't fret too much and got her to cut the strings and wore them there and then. got to pee at wheelock which was tahnkfully not crowded and slap-slap my feet lazily in search of coffee and smokes. not many spots have smoking tables now :( but i spotted TCC across pacific plaza to have an outdoor seating area. and luck has it! it was "an irish coffee PLUHLEASEEEEEEEEEEEE" the minute i sat down and rubbed my soles. as a matter of habit, i went thorugh my purchases and unwrapped them, kama updated me on his jaunts up udaipur's temples and we promised to do the countdown later that night.

the taxi driver i got on the way back was a very funny guy and we laughed all the way back. he was happy to stay away of town. anyway, most celebrations are now neatly planned in the heartlands so i'm sure it'd be evenly spread. at home, i plunked everything and got comfy and SLEEPY. kama as promised was on the line to wish me a happy new year. m fire puja remained as a to do and did but i couldn't burn everything in the toilet. i heard the fireworks go off at causeway point! yeaps, we have that much budget hor~ and then dozed off..i did set the alarm for kama's countdown and he beeped affirmative to 'burning the past and regrets with his own fire ritual' and prayed for US. he taped the fireworks for me and rambled about the small gifts he got for the terrors.

i did ponder and wonder to biks why we as muslims don't feel so much during muharram and somehow it all falls redundant by then. you feel what you feel and you take very opportunity to say thanks in any manner (anytime) to say thanks. give blessings. but!! i digress. on a lighter note, i woke up and it was 1st january :)

good tidings to ALL and may the new year reap what we each sow. nurture and put loving thoughts to.

stay sane,
j.amyemeelea

ps: all i want for my birthday is.....................MEOWRRRRRRRRRR~ >)

don't bite me yet!

first! it was the call of a need from a prick of a ghost that wouldn't die. even after i put in a LOT of trust that this friendly ghost was a happy free wandering back to his wifey every night ghost. but it didn't really bother me so much, i'd get a rational scientific explanantion from the scientist when he gets on the phone tonight ;p

then it was an email from makcik Jberoks..a follow up on teleconversation to comply to datelines and threats of unleashing the auditors on me. BOO YAH! ooOooo yeah...i'm so blaaardy scared~ that i'm shitting my pants. NOT. i ordered mcdonalds instead and then felt super bloated. verdict on samurai burger..its too sweet and never order a DOUBLE. oh.my.lord......the meat is still just sitting there. UGH!~

ultimately the sharpest bite from draggy wednesday was a check on my bank accounts. i needed to do banking and saw that there was 600 bucks missing. i called the bank and hey told me "err...yeah..its being held by IRAS." nabooooooooooooooo, nabeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh my head screamed. i thought we had settled this?! *)(*(*^&%^$%$@$#@$%!%#^!&*#^(!*&#( so i smsed the boss for a morning run to beg for my money back tomorrow morning. granted! *phew* just hope they find me pitiful and GIVE ME BACK my money evil crapdoodles. its not even my fault in the first place that they told me they received all the ncesssary and then not confirm my taxes just because i need to personally declare my earnings. hell! i thought we are super efficient singaporeans. does my commie views have something to do with this? haven't i been lying low with my comments *ahems* about singapore?!!! do you REALLY need my vote next year hence this lesson to punish me and make me go through all this bureaucratic shitttttttttteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. actually, i'm confident it'd be another walkover and i won't get to vote but what did i do WRONG! dehemit ler...i'm just a lowly paid rat in a far far away old...yes OLD condominium ley.

anywho, i seriously need to cut down on eats and detox for this week man :( a run will feel good now to dispel all the bad vibes from today.

mencik ah!
j@e

ps: when no one trusted you to do good, i did. and every single time you managed to prove them right and me wrong. WHAT THE FARK IS wrong/right with you?!!!!!!!!!!!

defragmentation 2011..

"Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find those worth suffering for.~ Bob Marley"

i'm back to running. my thighs hurt. shall i draw up resolutions? must i think of 2011. birthday countdown. i miss terrors. marry to love, love to marry (no this is NOT a movie title). i hate my accounts (meaning YOU makcik Jberoks) in charge. i have NO lift to new flat! 3 more days to 2011. i want to eat white peeper crabs. i have 600 minutes left for calls to india. tuching is tanduki major. noooOOOOoooooooo thunder thigggggggggghs!!!! one to wear and the other to smell. YES! to birthday trip. defrag! defrag! still fire is most cleansing. burn baby BURN. ashes don't hurt, won't cause suffering. at most mata pedih masok debu :D

otey sane,
kitty's going back home *purrrRR*

ps: YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!! to gedung songo! *biteskama*

it creeps and then wham!

greatness! i have found a room for myself in woodlands. it wasn't too difficult to decide because dateline was end of this year or at LEAST by january (my next birthday). that was what i promised bobi anyway.

i was a bit hesitant to tell bobi about the move, of course lar! he threw a pot at the wall when i tried to move earlier this year! so i wanted to be very subtle and gentle with my 'good news' lest he gets very emotional about it but i believe shikino has sorted him out since then and convinced him that its better to let me go if i wanted too because shortly afters he was sharign with me about his plans to move out to a SMALLER place. because i am so proficient with reading in between lines, the part where he said "what will happen to you?" was replied accordingly with "i won't die lar of course. i'd move out and i'll start looking right away." i remember this conversation succinctly because it was one of the lowest periods of this year when i got retrenched and worried about getting a new job.

i guess that was a good time for bobi as any other to tell me about his plans to upgrade to a condominium lar :p and that he won't have space of lil wee me. i felt the dent in my heart right after but i took it all in because i'm the lousy good for nothing sister you see. so this is penance i told myself. serve me right for being such a freeloader all this while (even though at i freeloaded at his behest or maybe i imagined this?!). the optimistic in me turned to look on the brighter side after a bout of sleepless nights. i was suffering from heartache you see.

so after that i've been more or less ready to move out and one of the things to do was to cut of the starhub connections at home. THIS was the very thing that gave me the window to slip past bobi about moving out. as usual i 'borrowed' his landline to check on email and such and he was nagging at me about how inconvenient it was for him. so he was urging me to go get my internet fixed or at least get a wireless thing going on soon. BINGO! an opening for me to 'selit daun' about my move....his reply was "wow, is this an early christmas present for me?".

yeakdish!~ okay that hurt-ED. it must have showed on my face because he tried to give me chocolates he bought from his turkey trip. i declined because i heard my phone and i knew it was kama. i buried my hurt at his callous reply with kama's soothing hellos from kay el :) well, i'm glad that bobi is happy with with early christmas gift. who knew that the timing was just RIGHT.

stay sane,
j.amyemeelea

ps: i had to repeat the above conversation in the car for shikino's benefit. at least she was silent in her replies. i must learn that IF i ever need to talk to bobi about anything..shikino MUST be around or bear witness lar. penat tau repeat2 :p and here i thought their communication was tight *prrrft*

double digits countdown..

every year around this time, i be counting down to my birthday. it has always been a big deal for me as birthdays remind me of my mama and dad who'd fuss over parties and invite the whole neighborhood, family and friends to celebrate with me. it meant games, balloons and loads of presents! not forgetting how i look forward to kak long dolling me up to feel pretty. i'd be in a lace frock and i remember i sulked a lot too (i was a natural at that) if i didn't get things done my way. HEY! its my birthday attitude i still carry to this day.

as i got older, mama didn't fuss too much but she will always try to make it special. by my early teens i was to hold my own parties if i wanted any but she did promised a sweet 16th and my 21st party planned to be huge as she did for all her kids. mama didn't live past my 14th birthday :) but dad did alright and for my 16th i received a heart shaped locket and chain. he didn't live past my 21st but i got married instead muahaha...

so, its a nice surprise to get a stranger to start the countdown before me on facebook for my impending doubles coming january!!! terror 1 is also looking forward it and she's turning 11 :p and it IS 2011 *jeng jeng jeng* yar, screw me and my numerology shitte. terror 1 doesn't want anymore parties and i'm going to stay 33 all my life *hurhurhur*

the journey has just begun and i intend to take it all in. mas karna will be taking stock and defragment his whole in india and during the same time, i have plans to hide in a hole and re-stock as well. tempat senang is very appealing but more sad memories might just haunt or peek from the recesses and might NOT be such a good idea. its time to bury 2010 where it should be and scurry away hidden shadows and ghosts. it will do me good to be wild and feel free as i have been encouraged much.

no more crying on birthdays and especially not when its mine.

stay sane,
j.amyemeelea

ps: rivulets of sad trailed at the end of november 23rd. i now know why...it was me *us* finally saying goodbye. i truly mean it, "moga kau diteduhi cinta".

in the least..

*phew*

i finished my rounds with the NEA aka mosquito busters at the estate. found more breeding and seriously can we be truly rid of these blodd suckers? especially with grounds as lush as we're in? hey! we still have chickens here and i nearly stepped on a LIZARD on my way out from the toilet. it was scaly and had a verrrrrrry long tail MIND you! and made me jump a wee bit. i don't mind the squirrels or the birds, sometimes fat cats BUT yucks....scaly lizards? biks will have a field day is she was here. might even chase after it to pet *gah!*

the terrors have been with me (or rather at kak tina's) for the whole week. we'd be celebrating her 51st birthday this weekend at east coast chalet. got them out for a bit of shopping, the usual trip to the bookstore and our monthly makan time out but they are asking if we could go on a dinosaur thingy or watch the movies. disney is out with their take on rapunzel this school holidays :p so I've been telling them we'll see how it goes for later this month.

it will be nice to spend the weekend with the terrors this week and so far the terrors have been very open about kama's presence. asking weird questions and giving me even weirder suggestions about my current attachment with him. they each have very distinct opinions but i'm glad they have accepted his invite for Christmas. even though terror 1 insist, she accepted under the influence of chocolates. terror 2 based his on the fact that he found kama attractive (i agree! hehehe) and terror 3 just plain inquisitive about who kama really is. she asked me the color of his walls and sofa??!!! and if he has a bathtub?? *errrk?!* i'm riding it all out as i always do, taking each day as it comes but must point out that he's been very supportive and sensitive about my insecurities. SO, yeaps....i trust that all will be well over snap baskets with clotted cream and strawberries and tell terror 1 not to worry about her engrish :p she's so afraid that kama will think her as 'silly' if she speaks singlish haha..so i told her to put on her best england accent ler :p anyway, the whole point is to prove to them that he doesn't EAT children.

i'm off too to kay da el finally! i kinda shot off my mouth and asked if i could watch kama in action at the annexe and *gulps* SEKALIK it turns out, its going to be a full packed weekend of saying hellos too, plus an interview?! i'm fussing over what the hell to wear but as usual come the day i'd just throw randoms into the bag *prffft* well, i'm positively grinning TILL D day to bongoland.

stay sane,

j.amyemeelea

ps: *waves* alo 'aunty'!! *gulps* errr...i'm muslim like your cats too! :p

to fit a description..

the saying goes that a picture speaks a thousand words but more so that fleeting moments in the presence of something yet nothing is indescribable.

to see a shooting star, witness the glow of the setting sunset or following the trail of dusk maybe even submitting your will to the pull of the open sea waves must just be 'felt'. it could be that you can find the words to immortalise it into memory but how so ill equipt are we?

unless.....you just leave the words as how they are meant to be, just words and succumb in its beauty. silence could just be the most befitting description of the truly wonderful. but i do like it when you ask why. it means you respect and honor me with the intelligence sensitive enough to give every moment meaning.

solitude has run its course and turn itself into a crystalline beauty of depth and enormous potential real feelings. YESSAR!!! * somersaults* no more run of the mill conversations although it adds the comedy of reality. you could not fit a description *blush* but...i give you......quiet.

wishing you the peace karna :) lets thank the bugger up there and of course facebook *hurhurhurhur* date is ONS tomorrow, see you at the gate woooooooooohoooooooooo!

stay sane,

j.amyemeelea

ps: sheshhh~...otey, this is public declaration of sorts. starting errr tomorrow? its all going to written and given. originality *pokespokes* will be rewarded ;)

wishes...

"i wish i can pass all my exams and be very good in my math and art tool~ Terror 1"

that was posted on my google chrome courtesy of terror 1 who was here over the weekend. it was a girls weekend without terror 2 who got a trip to malacca with his favorite cousin because he aced his year end exams. yeaps, the boy got first place *woots!* and already he has asked for a beyblade as a prize.

i had wanted to post a short poem i wrote about wishing stars but since now it has been replaced by the above, i stand firm to jotting my notes in pen and paper. she obviously was following my train of thoughts when she posted the above and good to know she's very serious about her studies and art *ahems* wishes are of course nothing without the aid of hardwork and the detrmination to follow your dreams wherever it may lead you. notwithstanding the insurmountable obstacles that can stand in ones way. like mine perhaps...of wishes to have a home to call my own. to have the terrors with me, to be at my beck and call *hurhur* to bully and kiss goodnight. everynight in fact :)

which brings me to wax lyrical about my bumps into wishes coming true of late. of these are personal of nature, not shared by kinship. these too are wishes of security, understanding and lots of giving, of doing things at random and purely out of simple desires. promises of nothing asked in return and actually fufilling acts of desire that races the pulse and so heats the loins it emanates heat *blush*

i've been granted by genie or the celestial of the enigma i have so chased and yearned for but in its surreal beauty i still have yet to grasp where it all leads to and ask about its destination. i want to avoid being extremely literal here because one should always practice caution when wishing for the ethereal. in case of it turning to 'wishful thinking' or worst literally granted word for word :p for then it will surely lose its magic yes?

define having all your dreams and wishes come true and humbly give thanks i believe is the best that one can ever do. as they don't often come true as easily as they appear to be. nothing...is not without sacrifice i realise but i am willing to just this once lead myself to believe hope springs eternal for those willing to give themselves up as i did and plunge into bliss. just this moment to savour and believe, i too am deserving of wishes coming true, not one but three and oh so easily ;)

okay tido!

stay sane,
j.amymeelea

ps: ah so~ mood jiwangs sua mari melambai-lambai but here! here! the cynic and realist me still lurks.

a whirlwind of sweet eros~

sounds of basia...sade and india arie is playing in the background. i remember the night lebabi introduced me to the song "ready for love" by india arie and how it affected me. i wondered if kasos sent him the love song...did it mirror her longing as much as it did mine? as how each soul yearns to reunite with its other half. the song was nearly too perfect.

no one in their right mind could deny the strings that tug to the heart when listening to that song. with each pluck of the notes that accompany arie's soulful singing, it should move anyone to tears or at least bow humbly to such a simple request. of baring one's sentimentality....a need to be loved and love in return.

*sigh*

perspectives change over time yes? for now, mine has for better and for worse *YESSSAR!!* life never cease to teach us a thing or many. silence has spoken back to me like never before as i come face to face with words such as these :)

Then plant thy kisses upon my verdant field,
shower this dry plain with thy tender caresses;
Though this forlorn land none have tilled,
Its spring I find amidst thy tresses.

Tomorrow is a distant land,
Mine eyes, they see no further;
In blindness I reach out, touch, behold with trembling fingers.
The one before me I grasp, clutch,
"Heart, hold still; want, yet want not too much."
Yet the organ has bolted, its shadow lingers,
Wings flutter as it ascends,
To the one desired it attends.

She resigns, and repairs,
in feigned modesty the retreat is sounded.
Yet the heart pursues undaunted,
til at last at her feet it surrenders.
"Far have I flown, my wings weary,
in my wake a trail of missed longings train behind me".
Yet with a glance soft and teary
the withered heart recovers.

~ bukan arjuna tapi suryaputra (2010)


AHEM!!!! <-- as he would punctuate hehehehe...

stay sane,
j.amyemeelea

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mxkMlS2nuU8&ob=av2e <-- the song of course and promises of sweet dreams ;)

to the opera we go!

i saw the advert or clip for Matah Ati at a glance on teevee...was I with lebabi? i think i was and already i knew i had to GO. budget didn't allow me to book a ticket earlier and of course the geng chose to watch amy search in concert instead. i drooled at the thoughts of attending the opera and read that its was doing its international debut at the esplande before going on tour to malaysia, berlin and elsewhere throughout 2011. if i didn't catch this then i have to wait till march in kuala lumpur :( bad enough i missed puteri gunung ledang so NO WAY was i going to miss this although....budget again was the question.

tickets were running out FAST and *cartwheels* happy happy joy joy! a wee bit of adjustment to pocket money (i survived on ciggs :p) enabled me to get catergory 2 ticket last night! it was end work day and i was restless. i had already planned to drop by to the big durian (the esplanade) to support kak5 aka wahyu and tom for their annual akustika show. i logged on to sistic BUT they told me i had to queue and buy at the boxoffice today. Apprenlty there are still 'some' available!!! i had to be quick. i was luckier still to be able to hitch a ride from che. hesherolls to tiong bahru and i knew the sistic outlet at raffles city will not be as crowded as the on at the durian. time check...630pm. i was early woohoo! and there was only 1 person ahead of me :D

show stats at 8pm and i'd be able to watch the first set of akustika too. with tickets in my pocket i took a slow walk towards the esplande. i saw signs leading towards the newly opened esplande mrt BUT i remembered an entry before about how misleading it was to have the esplanade mrt WAY OFF from the actual durian itself *hehe* i made my way back and bumped into wahyu!! :p she asked me if i was heading to watch the show akustika and i said yes PLUS i had ticket to matah atiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii *yeahoOOooooo*

i was entranced the whole 1 and half hours. no intermission and it made sense to go and pee first. as it is, i'm always dehyrated much more anyway. too bad i couldn't understand the javanese spoken but aren't all arias sung like exactly that? to me at least whose proficiency in malay have dwindled much to DIS-use and misuse *GUILTY!* there were short scripts at the start of each act to briefly explain the scenes but i read the opera's overview diligently while waiting for them to go on so even though the screens were much of a blur, i waited in anticipation for each scene to unfold. i was concious of my behaviour somewhat but couldn't care less as i swayed and gripped the edges of my seat as each character wrung thier emotions on stage. whther it was the soulfully rendered dialogue or stylistically modern interpertation of bedhoyo moves. needless to say, i didn't even want to blink in case i missed something out.

*pancits*

saturday was uneventful and sunday was spent lolling about in bed. wait! my cuzzie and his wife picked me up from work to have lunch and get to know each other *gulps* i didn't go to theier wedding but well it wsn't too late to offer my congrats. people get married for many reasons and observing them, it only solidified my stand to....wait as long as i want before getting hitched again. yes che. diambunuh, you have truly fucked me this time *arghhh!* or is this my own doing *hurhur* che. linmark came by to pick up the book 'the reader' and i added 'unbearable lightness of being' to her want list. i scared her lilttle cute daughter hehe but her sms later later that day confirmed my picks for her to be RIGHT. Yessaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrr...i do hope i don't muddle her too much :p

sunday later that night, due to rstlessness i went to where the 'turtlings hatched' and quietly shed away memories of amy. the way che. biSol drove amde me sick and i vomitted *bwahahahah* but HELL lar! you're lucky i didn't barf in the car anyway *tsk* of coure it couldn't have been mariam! >p and i'm NOT going to even consider you as housemate no matter what hokayyyyyyyyy...too.tOO.TOO...tired to put up any false fronts *hisssssss* so you're right, you should leave me alone :p

another thing...my Greader is not as synced at it is as i logged on at work :( some of the links and updates wonky! meaning updates are soOoooo different if i logged on from home. i could see a piece here then another there but they are not the same at all! *angeranger* yet, i am happy i managed to steal wee Internet time via bobby's *heheheh* which reminds me i have to get my passport, Internet working again PLUS emoley time all straighten out by this week. not to mention...IRAS to deal withhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

new spot found on bintan! yeahoOOoooo...cheaper than tempat senang and could well be a new hiding place. too bad...i still have to share with YOU know WHO you are! but you're the best lar....judge me and hold me ransom for all you want *blowkish* i definitely need a rough bitchslap this time. gimme! gimme!!! gimme that 120mins of pure kneading bliss all over my body please and pummel each knot of distress out of my body. like...NOW! :(

Anyone whose goal is 'something higher' must expect someday to suffer vertigo. What is vertigo? Fear of falling? No, Vertigo is something other than fear of falling. It is the voice of the emptiness below us which tempts and lures us, it is the desire to fall, against which, terrified, we defend ourselves.
Milan Kundera, The Unbearable Lightness of Being

sheesh...i really need to blog and not ramble! >(

stay sane,

j.amyemeelea

ps: "please...call me Emeelea" *jelings* it WILL never be amie for ya BIATCH~! :p orh!!! make it for mr. BIATCH too...apparently he just ceased to be on my 'of value' list. bet the trip was filled with nightmares..welcome to HIS world *waves*

hate is baggage..

i finished the lost symbol and woah! what a ride it was....but must say, fiction is as fiction does. the impression it leaves wasn't as deep as i wanted it to be. although! it lead me to ars notoria.too bad internet connection is still out so am not able to do my extended nightly prowl over the world wide web and satiate ravenous need to read.

i've started on the reader by bernhard schlink. the gem of this paragraph stuck too close to home :-

"Why? Why does what was beautiful suddenly shatter in hindsight because it concealed dark truths? Why does the memory of years of happy marriage turn to gall when our partner is revealed to have had a lover all those years? Because such a situation makes it impossible to be happy? But we were happy! Sometimes the memory of happiness cannot stay true because it ended unhappily. Because happiness is only real if it lasts forever? Because things always end painfully if they contained pain, conscious or unconscious, all along? But what is unconscious, unrecognized pain? " ~ chapter 9, page 37.

last saturday after work i went over to lina's and chilled. i seriously do NOT enjoy karaoke but we did a round on thursday *blearghhh!* the things i do to cheer my friends ehk? thank god we didn't do any karaoke that saturday night but watched the movie Agora instead. there wasn't much i could have discussed with her but at least i got to watch it in full with no jams in between at her place. lapicits wasn't too kind on the dvd, and i really can't be bothered to hook up my tv and player. we walked from her place in sengkang to jalan kayu muahaha! and supper at mad jacks was nice. i got much more reaction from lina when we watched what happened in vegas? chick flicks *prrrft* what can i say? never fails to cheer the gals *notmetho* up hehe.

sunday made my way slowly back and i keep thinking about the terrors. it must be end of exams and i should be able to see them soon. i wasted time and watched american history x and THAT is my kinda movie. griity yet and emotional boiler...all the characters were finely tuned. racism...and any isms point out to a point of source. its really up to us to follow its trails and peek into our carried baggage. you either clean them out! or carry it with you...not without repercussions. no space for musings in emoley. once done i was off to meet mr. ted who drove by for a quickie. the work of facebook yet again! >p we touched base and merely caught up and rammed 20 years of absence in 2 hours. mr. ted is an ex colleague from my hotelier days. he hasn't change muhc except for his girth *lol* but still the same easy-going guy i know. just now...he's also severely spooked from getting hitched soon. who isn't??!

work is work and TADAH! terror 1 called today using a new number to ask if i could kidnap them this weekend :) she failed her maths and i was right again. the green eyed monster changed the home number so that i don't keep calling. i wonder when he's going to stop from being so fucking childish about our relationship. does he really think he can separate the kids from me? terror 1 made me promise NOT to call her but she will try he best to make the connection again yet 'no one' is around. and i told her don't worry about failing...she'd have another chance. most important is she tried her best and we'll have to pick through 'why' only when i get to see her. best kan ada mama terror macam nie? :p

besides trying to slot in time to hike up syariah courts anytime soon, i received a call from the IRAS *gasp* shitte! totally forgot i need to settle my taxes *gulps* and the iras guy told me he had to hunt me down via ms. panjang. ex boss *eeeeeeeeks* well, thats another to do to add on my list *pancits* my passport is STILL missing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so thats another to do.

house hunt wasn't too good. i made my way to amston and finally met the myanmar gals. supposedly gards from NUS and all of them singaporean PRs. i had a glimmer of hope. i'm sure i could settle down with the girls since they must be building a home far away from home right? after all the 9 years spent in singy? IT professionals it seems all of them. BUT!!! england standard way below even terror 3's. HOW CAN LAR SIAK! and beleive it or not...the home wasn't a home at all. it was like being transported to a village in myanmar when i stepped in. my last rented place in chai chee (which was DA GHETTO) was more livable. i found myself thinking this is the STANDARD of living for NUS grads and sporean prs?? ok..i know i shouldn't judge just by this 1 experience BUT makcow~!!! no wonder lar...many locals are angry. it truly seemed to me they were not here to make a HOME but more of taking advantage of our 'friendly to FTs' policy :(

i have to pay 800 rental not inclusive of utilities mind you! and also share cleaning expenses (err....you don't know how to clean ure own house ijit?) for a single room. the other 2 rooms are shared by 4 (FOUR FUCKING FOUR) gals. no smoking in my room too...and no guests coming over unless approved by the rest. which is only polite BUT...but but...forget it. nothing against you myanmarese but i cannot reconcile the fact that you made a nice condo into a communal village complete with grass mats in the living room.

fuck it.

i need to look for a tree or ship to johor!

*tskkkkkkkk* super annoyed but hey...mr. KFC to cheer me up today??

stay sane,

J@e

ps: may the GALL be with you che.diambunuh. can you please get out of my head already?! *pushkickkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkdebikdebikdebikssss* oops! Ohmm...i'm suppose to pray for GOOD instead :p

signal is OUT! *uwaaaaa*

there's something wrong with the starhub signal at home so lapicits is getting much needed rest. I cannot tap into the wireless in bobby's place (maybe they BLCOKED me!) due to mixed signals? or lapicits running 2 programmes at 1 go or something. BUT! all is not lost ebcause NOW, i could curl up with the loads of books i just received from makji aha :p 3 indonesian novels (i saw the movie for 1 title), The Lost symbols!!! *nosebeleed* and from my last treasure hunt The Reader. I've just started on the lost symbols and already racing past the pages. fine...i'd write too later tonight rather than dwell on my musings from 2005 *sigh*

ms. pinkfloyd gave birth to baby d already! just after the baby shower and we all trooped over to peek at the newborn. he weighs a wee 2.2kg and is the spitting image of danial *hurhurhur* it felt good to smell heaven! and we had a lot of laughs about how it must have been the suggee (read: she ate LOADS of it) that must have stirred baby d into a sugar high and made him rush out earlier than expected. baby d wasn't due till NOVEMBER :p

datin lindot then drove all of us to geylang for dinner because all of us where already shaking from hunger. we tried this new cafe which got featured in the latest lonely planet edition and guess who i met?! the ZEE LORD who shoots steroids eating at the cafe. he WORKS there!!!! *arggggggggh* he asked me why i haven't been returning his calls and such to which i just said "biasaler low profile." he came by the table to take our order and i introduced him around. he insulted me with a "i didn't know you have best friends?!" that's it, in my heart of hearts he was just asking for it *debik* i managed to stay civil because hey, i'm rooting for a discount *hurhur* here and IT IS a public place what! his waitress complimented me on my looks (the mullet hair is getting rave reviews apparently) so zee lord (monkey!!) asked me again for my number. best punchline evar was when he wanted to save my number and asked me "what did i call you before?" it was then i realised HE FORGOT MY NAME!

which was okay since i gave him the heave-ho waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay earlier. he stuck around to chit chat but the guys were good at ignoring the monkey so he kinda just lingered around. while i was EATING..he kept smsing me!!!!!!!!!!!!!! otey..last starw...i lost my appetite. the guys didn't rate the food NOR the ambience high. merely....average *ugh* i couldn't have agreed more and then on way back towards the car, they all asked me who the hell was the monkey. my only reply was "now you know why i don't go on dates". or rather kinda stopped for a while before i seriously go on a rampage *terbalekkantoilet*

datin wasn't feeling too well so we got off at yew tee and made our way home. ah! then lagik satu monyet kept on smsing distress messages of why why why why...wasn't i replying to his calls and all. err...ure MARRIED?! *pushkick* and i thought i made it very clear when i said "don't call me, I'll call you." end conversation fullstop! >( yeah i am liberal lar but please ehk...don't 'abuse' my liberalism. i could finally sleep without nitemares last night. it rained. zee lord monkey called me at 4am *WTF*thank god sleep was deep.

morning came and it was monyet 2 who had to keep calling and smsing me till i picked up and told him off. as nicely as i can to SHOVE OFF. lets be adult about this (i still din't tell him about his wifey problem) and you can hear my voice when we DO meet up soon. he kinda got the message and told me he just wanted to hear my voice lar and then baru bley buat kerja lar shitte. OMG!!! do you really think i'd fall for that? Its the HAIR i tell you!!! bobby hates it. i'm trying to grow into it! but god forbid i should be all sugar and spice just because it makes me look so KAWAII..sweet and demure *gag* well...looks can be deceiving i say!

too bad...i just need to grow it out OR yeaps...chop it off. hrmmm...not losing sleepover hair as i'm already sleep deprived.

till morrow...

stay sane,

j@e

ps: your sex problems are NOT mine largh!!!! unless your're brad pitt...lemme be your jolie *muehehehe*

teng teng TEng teng TENG...

my hands disn't shake nor did i pass out from sheer shock as i saw you in maroon. visualisations work and bon vogage *salut* che. diambunuh :) please do not let me say i told you so in solace or worst as witnessed by someone else.

otey..seriously..did you know that its your solemnisation date that is the OFFICIAL date? *prfttttttttttttttttt* so gals...please check if you chose your date 'well' as intended ler *kuakuakuakua*

got back from the baby shower and rested watching movies. first it was mantra as recommended by ms. aha. its a horror movie made in malaysia. in che. pidomat's blog there were some comments about its bad cgi but ms. aha thought otherwise. i NEVER watched a horror movie ALONE. espescially one with local ghosts. no pontianaks, no pocongs...NO NO NO! but last night....i did. talk about facing your fears ehk? *saaaaaaaaaaaap* then i continued with lagenda budak setan. why? because its supposed to be *sobsob* chick flick. its an adaptation of the malaysian novelist Ahamadiat Akasha's book of the same title. Alas, youtube was coeperative so after episode i gave up and tried to sleep. che. shoo (macam nak dikasoskan jugak deknie) smsed and then called...by then i had just had enough of trashing about andfell into deep sleep.

ms. chelle..or rather the urgent sense to pee woke me up today. then i got ready to see ch. shoo. i cotinued with kasha's story. it was a chick flick. i got disturbed by the storyline. so i smsed che. shoo to cancel our date. he said 'its okay' in the most pitiful sms :p so i asked him outinstead for a movie???? what was i thinking right???? but i suspect...i'm gonna be like this for awhile. dishelveled, neurotic and a wee bit too trigger happy. but, surely....i'd come down fast to mellow mode soon enough. jahat4slalu just called to check up on me. we traded sex stories before she hushed me to sleep.afterall...its monday tomorrow.

i have loads to do and will need that break in kay el with datin E. expect pictures then. hopefully more of me being broken in need of a fix. coreection..

fixes.

orh! the weird thing is of all the 3 movies i watched. mantra, lagenda budak setan and reign of the assasins (GOOOOOOOD!) with che. shoo just now. it struck me how the recurring theme was jealousy, love and then revenge. PLUS! 2 out of 3 movies, involved plastic surgery!!!!

*blearghhhhhhhhhh* coincidence? am i thinking of what i am i really thinking? plastic surgery???????! me??! will i ever go down the knife ehk? to think of it..i might just do botox :p

stay sane,

jahatamyemeelea *lagikkenonengkOOOOmoi!*

ps: last bal forEVER *Amin* mula dengan langkah *ahems* thanks jahat4slalu...for the doas and also those precious tears you shed for me. truly....i wish for the very best in your impending nuptials *blowkish*

misrepresented truth..

what's the point of goodbyes when you only want to justify why?

that's why goodbyes are hard innit? nothing you could say or do will be able to change that goodbye. you agreed to its truth but yet why still hanker for another goodbye to say so long, tata...laters...see you when i see you.

whats the point of saying the truth when the truth is another lie? truthful words are beautiful, beautiful words are not truthful. ah the irony and the double edged tinge beauty of opposites!

seal it with a K.I.S.S *waves*

my lastest stab at keeping it simple sie. chediambunuh.

i may not be simple, balanced neither will i be plain *hurhurhur* because i am JUST as I AM. you have made it very, very CLEAR where, what, what, why and WHO it is you want HER to be.

and it is NOT me.

it will NEVER be me.

...my past is too incriminating for your FUTURE. so my prayers is for you to be safe and stay sane with your :

she who is ONLY beautiful in your eyes
has the balanced qualities that YOU seek
understands NOT TO ASK questions
holds the virgin KEY to your need of progeny
action SIMPLY to your needs
in AWE of who you are and hopeful of who you will be
lastly...
altruistic by YOUR ACCOUNTS...

there...that's perfection by your so high expectations ;)

ps: honestly and faithfully will be here as promised, nothing more nothing less as and when NEEDED.

pps: you're sacked dear axed >p at least i have the courage to ask 'sampai biler'.

Another Great Monday~

i survived my first agm today *phew* and now still working off the effects of redbull, 3 cups of coffee and a 'few' fags in between. and OF ALL the days..i forgot to pack in perfume..not that i stink but my armpits were WET yoho! and have always been a concious smoker while on duty. you really don't want to be smelling of ash when sitting down with *ahems* peeps that sign your paycheck *hurhurhur*

meeting ended just before 830pm and the bus ride home was sans music and words. my brains were frazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzled! currently ripping the 3 cds lent to me by che.dol and empod will be stuffed with rocking new sounds. ungu will still be there and maybe if they still fit in my teeny empod, i could still hang on to ekan tracks featuring songs from bubbledays of doom :) so tracks from one giant leap and some lenny kravits, cranberries, sade and georgie mickey could still be songs of choice for lull-brainwaves moments.

the bestest thing about weekend was meeting the terrors. yeah, they had to follow me to work even on sunday where i played the role of cleaner cum pacifier mediator to 2 residents and had to forcefully leave me alone to chill before we went on our raya rounds BUT....

all is good when i see this peekture. how they have grown aye?

weekend for moi starts TOMORROW! :p

stay sane,
j.amyemeelea

ps: cepat masok ah pengundang mariammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!

to whom it may concern the last 17th

"I am much too alone in this world, yet not alone
enough
to truly consecrate the hour.
I am much too small in this world, yet not small
enough
to be to you just object and thing,
dark and smart.
I want my free will and want it accompanying
the path which leads to action;
and want during times that beg questions,
where something is up,
to be among those in the know,
or else be alone.""

~~ Rainer Maria Rilke,
I Am Much Too Alone in This World, Yet Not Alone, st. 1
(as translated by Annemarie S. Kidder)

i cannot answer your questions simply enough (cos i am complicated remember). now skip along and don't ask me anymore. we've had enough suka-suka moments to last a lifetime right? so run along now...and remember...

...the keyword is,

NEED.

best regards,
yayang~

ps: strains of annie lennox "no more i love yous" paling best accompany above :)