its been a cathartic birthday.
i don't know what to make out of it.
slow was the start, the day hazy at best
that didn't stop me from seizing the day
ended up in the hot tub listening to Lars von Tier.

not too bad, 1 year to 35 and at 34
the past plays out tiresomely
of many episodes, telling broken hearts
nothing etched to out last evermore
i still slough on, at times the future foreboding

then in a moment creeps a sly smile,
an acknowledgement; a heed to past sacrifices
a toast to worth over many seasons of pain
i cry
relived...

wishes do come true, prayers answered
a heartbeat sings of an epiphany
i bow to accept this moment
of content, of much acceptance
in awe i submit to  love

pulse, at the edge of yet another birthday...
fear is conquerable, love ever lasting.

xxx,
emeelea
.

3 days to 34.

time seemed to have flown past and boy am i glad that i've always been the pilot. to a certain extent maybe because i'm much a rider, a floater and hanger-on than a pilot. i just like to THINK i am the pilot, it gives me a little peace of mind.

in 3 days time, terror 1 and me will again share a birthday. she's hitting 12 and i'd be 34. this 2012, we'd both be 1234 :D she wanted a masquerade party and i was happy to oblige but there is also a matter of logistics. my stint at the loft has come to an end but there will always be mama tina's to hold the party but...as it turns out (and always be for a bit  more) her papa green eyed-mongstar said no to parties.

the sadness has ebbed so much i'm dry. my hopes and wishes still high though;on a very selfish slant that is. i've got a solid, honest to goodness all to myself den to seek solace and refuge in this birthday. i've learnt that we outgrow our friends and that i could be called sentimental - to things and mostly people. i've never denied being emotional but i've always thought i had what you would term an elephant's memory. it fills the room with its austere white presence. always there to remind me of its whiteness and nothingness. well better a white elephant than white walls i say.

the end year was spent in the land of the shadows where we watched the fireworks but didn't fire off any. swam in chalky, cloudy water treated to rid of its biting clorine and watched the spider care for it eggs in the nearby shrubs. i kissed the blooming lotuses every morning and spoke to many familiar and friendly faces at jalan tirtodipuran. we held hands everywhere and spoke about everything, laughed at sheer spontaneity. the bad and the heaviness of the past slowly shed away and crept into the shadows. i've always liked jogja and will always have a soft spot for the place.

a white carnation, or is it? awaits me as i got back home to the swamps. with the sweetest note to remind me how much i am loved. karna is now chilling out at the departure lounge but he's travelling business class today so he won't be complaining hehe but his note hints of already coming home. as i always say: birthdays last for A MONTH so he's going to be back in time. i could see the terrors soon enough so i'd be chilling in the meantime.

first up...give thanks for the good humour i've received last year and ongoing  now. wish more blessings for the weird and eccelectic to surprise me like no other. happy 34th birthday jahatamyemeelea!!!

love,
me