horrible gum..

i tried some of that nicorette gum they advertised on telly. it TASTES horrible i tell you! i bet gua kunyah sentel ke sireh ke *betelleavesortobacco* lagik baik siak! *pttttuiiiiii* in my many attempts to quit that was the most horrible experience. it actually stung my tongue *yucks!*

left with just 3 packs and i told myself this is going to be my last ever yet i know it takes much more than just iffy promises. its hard to break nasty habits but well ho hum..i'll take my shot at it. the week went fairly well and the bset thing this week must be the news that for this whole motnh and a bit more i'd be able to borrow up to 16 books from the library!!!!!!! *jumpsupanddownlikeberokmentel* hypno class resumes tomorrow after a week break *gush* and i can't wait :) my first assignment is going on well as i start to discipline myself bit by bit. my gal pals che lina and che feejah are doing good after a heady night pouring and receiving. i'm really proud of che feejah to have accomplished her dream of owning a bike and way cool to be riding pillion with her *hehe* she was brave enough to send me back all way from tampines to woodlands the other night and to work a few days after. i dropped her cashcard but thankfully she didnt scream :D met up with che ayincurrent by chance but didn't say much other than hi. che nyce had a date and must remind myself to catch up with her soon and ask about her new guy *kaypoh* and hope powwsters not too busy to meet up. kids are good and work is the same save for my snaps with debra who cheers me up and is always there to vent *gossip* i owe you one debra ;)for missing coffee last saturday due to work.

looking forwad to my break and who knows what will happen this week! *countdown*

stay sane,
amyemeelea

reflections..

the mirror reflects my exact features which could translate into many mutable things but what i hope it does not reflect will ever be my sins. the thought of it gives me the creeps as i picture myself suffering the very fate of a certain dorian gray *eeeks*

the night ends and my hour of tv watch is up...my good intentions are never far away and i feel content running the day through my head. while there are still somethings i wished i could have done better *hehe* but well....it will have to do.

i saw the mag that featured the cool vespa my bro thought be best for me and i have decided not to 'jump' at things but make it as a gift of sorts for me to overcome my fear of getting a licence for my graduation :D but i can't deny that the vespa in purple is way cool!!!!!! i am not sure what the 3 terrors would think but i'd tell them of my plans tomorrow when i pick them up after work. number 1 picked up my call with a huff and a pufff :P but hearing her voice just made things cheery in a breezy sorta way. it will be nice to spend some quality time with them tomorrow. yesterday's episode of supernanny gave me inspiration!!! although i must confess i didn't finish the programme *haha*

i found inspiration for my assignment on feelings and need to plan out my thoughts on paper soon. have about 2 weeks to do each one if i want to graduate. the last graduation was at fullerton hotel for god sakes!!! and i want to be able to walk on that stage with my head up high and on TIME :p

work will be good as things are looking well in a more defined way as my boss finally took into her hands to streamline and place everyone of us into our designated roles. i just want to do my best and not come in late no more. up to date i've been late for a total 8mins! and that translates to 4 bucks in total....well....enough to buy coffee for the pantry i guess *muahahaah*

stay sane,
amyemeelea

fast and furious..

the day went past so fast till i just realised after the bus ride home just now, the fact that i haven't eaten much today. i had tuna puff in the morning, black coffee, err...2 and a half pieces of butter crackers, more black coffee, bits of rojak and then just now at starbucks this banana shake thingy *whichipukedoutafter*. i didn't want any coffe because i kinda overdosed on coffee today and i think my insomnia is slowly creeping back! *arrrgh!!!* maybe not but i'd be ready with some new tricks i learnt recently ;)

its midnite and it's number 2's 6th birthday today!!! happy birthday darling and you'd always be the apple of my eye. i've always wanted a boy and of course i am so very glad i have you. your poutiness and the shyness you have about you never fails to make me smile and yes....the streak of stubborness in you reminds me very much how you are mine! mine! mine! i'm going to take sometime tomorrow to write you your birthday letter which i will keep for safekeeping till you're a wee bit older to read my handwritting hehe

i met che lynn maharet who is even sweeter in person! yes..madam thank you for adding me on as your step father in multiply :D but if a step father i must be to view pics of the house then step father i shall be *lol* i also managed to catch up with missy JAH ;) who now is a proud owner of a cool XR!!! i'm glad to have made jaime's acquaintance and of course laugh at those silly but seriously fun times we had way back during our teens.

back home, bobby and shikino bought me purple organza cloth to sew into hari raya's baju kurung :) and i feel blessed. i'm serously thinking of taking up my motorbike license but we'll see how. bobby made me drool when he told me of a cool purple vespa that he thinks would be so cool for me. still *bah!* he said i should concentrate on school right now and quit jumping around like a monkey. kin~~~...thank you for being there *viasms* when i felt very sad today *hughug* i finished sending that email *longovberdue* to school with request to repeat my last 5 modules. otey so now you ALL know the truth >) che amyemeelea has been very jahat :P

last but not least *hugstopowwsters*

stay sane,
amyemeelea

Impulsiveness.

To jump at events, people and new experiences with naught much thought have always been my forte. It is only much later when the moment slowly slides that I catch up with the reality of things and the full impact of those moments in time engulf me in entirety.

I called the 3 terrors while shifting through work today to make arrangements to pick them up. Nyce smsed to invite me to dinner and I replied happily that we’d be celebrating terror no. 3’s third birthday! And earlier on while secretly having a conversation with my oh-so-cute and hilarious colleague deb-deb-debra over internal email I expressed my happiness about having plans to see the kids today. I was so looking forward that when the following conversation brushed past me I couldn’t stop myself from blowing serious snot and therefore freaking my other colleagues. From seriously high I was a sobbing wrecked and snotty Amy.

Ring ring
Grandma picked up and I asked for number 1. She hollered her annoyance and gave reason she was busy and I heard the grandmum shouted over to number 2 to tell me that I couldn’t pick them up today because their father was going to bring them out today. I didn’t feel much and spoke to my ever sensitive and diplomatic son who’s short of just 3 days away from turning 6 years old himself.

Number 2 : ma..You can’t pick us up today cos we are going out with papa. You see us next time okay?

Mama Amy: errm….okay. are you guys going out to celebrate number 3’s birthday? That’s nice *stillupbeatnie* but am I going to get to see you tomorrow? I thought maybe we could do a little celebration today/

Number 2: cannot….we are going out and tomorrow we have school and after school *mumblemumble*

Mama Amy: ok then after school I come pick you up. Can you call number 1 so I can tell her about our plans?

Number 2: ok jap eh.

Shuffling noises in the background and then to my sweet surprise!!!

Number 3 aka the birthday girl: elo mama amy!

Mama Amy: how are you darling?! And happy birthday!

Birthday girl: *giggles* I’m fine. I want present!

Mama Amy: aiks! I just got you a present. Where’s your talking cat I got you?

Birthday girl: da hilang. Abang and kakak kasi hilang *whiny*

Mama Amy: well you didn’t take care of your cat so that’s how it got lost.

Birthday girl: I want Barbie doll!

Mama Amy: but you have so many of em! But okay, when I see you we’ll see if we can get something for everyone okay? So today you be a good girl and take care of yourself. I’m not picking you up. Insyaallah, tomorrow ok??

Birthday girl: ma……grandma says I have to follow mama baru *newmama* and next time mama lama *oldmama* ok??

Mama Amy: *choke* ehk?? Mama baru???!! What about mama lama?! *notynoty* well, ok then, what’s your mama’s name?

Birthday girl: *sayshername* and giggles prettily :P

Mama Amy:eh that’s your name lar! Wot’s my name?!!

Birthday girl: mama amy.

Mama Amy: ok then so what’s your mama baru’s name? :)

Birthday girl: mama baru.

Mama Amy: *sniffhaha * eeeks?! you don’t know her name? Ok, when you see her why don’t you ask her what’s her name and tell mama amy ok? *breakingdown*

Birthday girl: ok. So today I cannot see you ok? *Sweetwhispers* see you next time.

Mama Amy: *squeekingsniff* ok…you go have a good birthday and time and be a good girl. Happy birthday darling…*chokingonmytinysobs * you take care and have fun *voicecracks*

Birthday girl: ok..bye bye mama. I love you I miss you. Ok I put down now.

Mama Amy: *coversfacewithpaper* I love you. I miss you *sobsob*

Birthday girl: I love you. I miss you. I love you. I miss you….

Click.

I tore a piece of tissue paper from my desk to stop the gush of tears and walked out of the office. I could hear my colleagues call after me but I couldn’t hold back my full-blown sobs and blew my nose hard squatting by the carpark. I composed myself and walked into the office to clear my work. All the while my mind whirred away and my heart stopped for a bit before beating super fast. Maybe it was anger, maybe it was huge disappointment but I know it was I doing penance.

Back home now. Bobby and shikino bought me lunch of beef noodle that I couldn’t swallow :) Thank you deb-deb-debra for wanting to wait for me and the hug. Now trying not to dwell on my phonecall. After getting of the train I called the kids and finally got a pouty number 1 on the phone. We whispered softly and made arrangements to meet next week and she promised to be a good girl and my heart slowly sang its song of merciful relief. She complained naughty birthday girl hit her on the arm and refused to make her a card. It soon felt like things are back to normal. Another quick phonecall to my pillar of strength but it was left unanswered...again after a few tries from last night. my pillar must still be in crumbles of dust and i felt a twang of helplessness.

Oh well….

Stay sane,
amyemeelea

Lump in my throat..

“It is important to pay attention to what you like to hear. It is more important to pay attention to what you don’t like to hear.” I read that somewhere and then I started to think about all those around me that like to zero in on only one of our senses and use it to make, pass judgements.

I see.
I hear.
I touch.
I smell.
I feel.

Out of all the above, which do you, use most? I have a friend who uses “I see” for everything that he decides for. And in my most recent hypnotherapy class, my lecturer said and pointed out clearly how “I see, I believe” has been the way of life for many of us. Have any one of you heard or said this very same phrase at one time or another?
“Ampun datuk, anak cucu tumpang kencing/lalu etc”….but that’s another story altogether. I mean how can you believe what you don’t see right but are all those people who see what you don’t see crazy? Lacking? Maybe selfish??

Usually when we get into arguments, we try to make each other or everyone involved looking at the evidence, to see what can be done and then agree on its solution. Or I personally have been through cases where I try to make my pitch by making the other party understand what I think, I see, I feel, I touch, I hear, I smell only to be thwarted with “I have already told you what I need to say, I just want to see”. And all the while you’ve been making that pitch of yours, he haven’t even said anything! >( its people like these I have most trouble with. The wait and see what happens and put in no blarrdy effort to contribute to solve the current problem. My boss also told me the other day, “We are glad to confirm you but not going to give you that $50 dollar increment because we have to see how you perform in the next 1 or 2 months.” And this is after they have actually extended my probation for another month!!!!!! Of course I pressed on and she did share with my with the areas the management are looking in and *hehe* I’m quite tardy when it comes to punctuality. So I didn’t feel too angry about not getting that $50 bucks increment, because they have all the right in the world to not increase my pay if I do not deserve it. La di da di da…..

But my personal gripe will be with this particular friend of mine who probably has a reason not to give me his time of day but refuses to point it out to me. Instead his only solution and encouragement is, “I want you to figure it out yourself” so I did, I figured that I know what I was doing and I’m going to be a great success about it and walked away. As I walked away feeling guilty about not explaining to him what I was doing, a small voice at the back of my head told me, “he doesn’t care to know and if he did he would ask you why” so onward march I go. The guilt slowly melted and turned into sadness and then slowly turned into feelings of unfairness towards him. I was sad at the thought of losing a friend at the thought of my selfishness. But then again, selfish is when you are concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself, seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others or when you act arising from concern with one's own welfare or advantage in disregard of others (a selfish act).

Yes. By walking away I was selfish because I was concerned that I would be hurting both parties to go on with the argument at hand. That was my immediate response. But I am not selfish when my main intention of selling my pitch to him was to make him feel better and hopefully ease his unwanted feelings and hurt? But I now know he totally shut me off when he fully blames me for being the source of his hurt. I am entire responsible for his source of unhappiness and he was only making his stand by withholding his comments. Or whatever that he withheld…

So I do understand and I hope they all do understand that whatever I do in the future, I will do with all my full sense of being and I did give them a chance to have a hand to make the future better for all of us. Since they gave me the empowerment to act solely with my best abilities, I will honor that trust and do what I do best which is to be true to myself and be the best in whatever I set myself out to do :P well, they did give me that job and he did want to be my friend so I thank you. And forgive you if you didn’t catch no balls as I made my pitches.

Imgigi : Jahat – whats your excuse for waking up today?

Jahatamyemeelea : I woke up purposeless…on purpose

Imgigi : All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us...

Jahatamyemeelea: how true when I have already decided

Oh…and I found another lump in my throat :( and flashes of my last surgery to remove a lump in my thyroids haunt me. I don’t like needles and I hate any kind of surgery and I would want my whole face to be blown up like a potato head no more. So I’m going to leave it for a few days and go back to my doctor maybe next month to have a check on it. It’s a sign to QUIT I tell ya!!!!

Stay sane,
amyemeelea

yeay! yeay!

*jumpsaroundlikeablarrdyfairy!*

:D

yeayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!! *happygiler*

there is nothing like the feeling of satisfaction and there is nothing like that sense of fulfillment! there is nothing like the rush of serotonin and endorphins like tonight!!!!! not even e-kan can beat this feeling of mine :)*heheheheeheh*

the reason why i am so blaaaaarrdy happy is that today i went to school and after a long time of not wanting to face the music of my piled past procrastinations i dragged my feet to the notice board where the posted our results. it was breaktime and i was on the way downstairs to get 'oxygen' when i told myself, "okay larr...if i suck it will be a very timely reminder that i will need to BUCK up pronto". i looked up the board and they had not our names but our course id numbers next to the results for every module that has just passed. shitte! i can't remember my own id number and was too lazy to even get back to class to check on it so i asked the customer service desk to check on it. she was nice enough and so i went back expecting the worst! but guess what i saw on the board next to my id number.....002710 course module AP101 - DISTINCTION *dehem*

i blinked and then i went back to the counter to ask if they got my number right; by then my coursemates saw where my pointy fingers had been and already started teasing me to buy kopi :P i got back to the board in disbelief and tried my damnest to believe what i saw....my heart was like bursting and my head felt very light! i went for a smoke and i just had to tell somebody, anybody!!!! but no one heard me *pout* so when i went back to class and looked at my student id card to confirm my id number, my eyes wanted to water and i bit my lips in disbelief.

i did it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

couldn't really concentrate after that *muahahaha* but i managed to contain myself. the first person i called later to tell of the good news was terror number 1 and she sang me a new song which she learned in school to celebrate. but she had to put down the phone abruptly when i asked to speak to number 2 :( still, fret not i told myself as this weekend i'd get to see them again *hopes* and probably then i'd be able to vent off my happiness.

if only i could share it with you and hear you say
that you are proud of me
if only i could show you how much it means to me
that you are happy for me
if only i could see that smile of yours
that you are going to reward me with a kiss
if only you would just stop for a moment....
and surrender to my will of happiness
but reality is....
you are lost to me for this moment in time
albeit physically, still know that i could feel you
in my mind, my heart....my soul

chow chin chow peeps! till my euphoria dissipates *muehehehehe*

stay sane,
amyemeelea