i made myself happy and many others very very unhappy with my choices. i self preserved my own interests at the expense of the tons of advice those closest to me. so many bridges i burned but the ones linked with my own sweat and blood are the hardest to burn.
i just had another blow up with the golden boy. and its these that i hate most. i know he has only my interests at heart, it just shows he cares. they wake me up every morning to make sure i'm not late for work. give me the support when i ask for. be it standing up for me. putting a good word for me. lying for me hehe. making sure there's food. entertainment. someone to talk to. my bro is all that for me and more. i used to write for him. he still asks me for advice about gift ideas. we still have our private jokes. but ever since moving in, it has been nothing but squabbles after squabbles. something is not right and it was said outright it was the choices i made for myself. i never took his advice when it mattered and he's hurt :(
i can't take back anything that i did or said bobby. i can't keep on lying to myself anymore than i can lie to anybody about how i really feel. i know i can't expect everyone to agree or to understand or to ACCEPT the choices i make. but i do. thats me. if you wonder why i dig my own grave and you wonder how the hell we came from the same womb then don't! just don't! don't wonder and live! tonight is not going to be any different from any other just because we had this fight. in fact i welcome it. in hopes that we could learn where the mistakes are and how i could learn to show you more.
i didn't know i hurt you, and i may have taken you for granted. we have only each other and you'll be the only one i'll let to give me away *again* :P kalau dulu kita gado pasal tengok wrestling nie kita gado pasal kakak degil. tapi kita gao-gado pon pasal adek beradek kan kan kan? tiga hari tak bebual dosa tau! *hugs*
wish me well...cos that's all i need for you to do.
stay sane,
kakak
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Dear John....
"I can hear you snore so softly and how each of your breath closes around my heart.
The softness of sleep about your face while you sleep tugs at the very sleeves of my everyday thoughts.As the night fades on to bring light I stare at awe the peace that surrounds the lines about your face.And I thank Him for the love you bring everytime your lids flutter to greet me with a small smile, soft in my hopes of drunken thankfulness.
Another day closes by and the wakefulness of yesterday escapes me. I wish for tonight to bring my hopes and my dreams close to me. Through beautiful moving pictures that only say I miss you, I want to held closely dear to you. Still I know the distance between us makes it yet far more unattainable. As the line goes, absence makes the heart grow fonder yet your scent never leaves. Heart wrenching silence fills the void as I mutter your name with each breath. The sweetness of longing calls you closer to me. I feel nothing but pain, and suffer must we swallow, its bitterness a wealthful of experience; will teach me and you humility and sincerity. All at once, memories of the weight of each touch melts away these walls of anger and lies to give way to the unbearable sweetness of treasured value of which you mean to me.
Even if, we will have to go over days of unbearable solitude, even till the long stretches of the night fades and the harshness of light brings trickle of sweat at our brows, I will always still hear you beating softly in my heart of hearts. It will go on as this long search of our purusha brings us to the end of eternity. I promise as light peeks over the end, you’ll see me with my heart wide open. At ready to welcome you as we renew our promises of just yesterday to be and just be always as One."
jeng jeng jeng...suspen bukan suspender :P dun worry gua maseh jugak GUA. cuma tinggal jiwangs gua jer yang ter ter ter keluar! nie sumer pasal citer 'All about love ' yang che poww pinjam gua *sigh* oh! mamat che demi moore sungguh kiut walaupong pantat dier leper *hehe* tapi sungguh takbley carry amanda peet sweet kelakar giler langgar cermin! *terkencitcikitketawa*
stay sane,
amyemeelea
The softness of sleep about your face while you sleep tugs at the very sleeves of my everyday thoughts.As the night fades on to bring light I stare at awe the peace that surrounds the lines about your face.And I thank Him for the love you bring everytime your lids flutter to greet me with a small smile, soft in my hopes of drunken thankfulness.
Another day closes by and the wakefulness of yesterday escapes me. I wish for tonight to bring my hopes and my dreams close to me. Through beautiful moving pictures that only say I miss you, I want to held closely dear to you. Still I know the distance between us makes it yet far more unattainable. As the line goes, absence makes the heart grow fonder yet your scent never leaves. Heart wrenching silence fills the void as I mutter your name with each breath. The sweetness of longing calls you closer to me. I feel nothing but pain, and suffer must we swallow, its bitterness a wealthful of experience; will teach me and you humility and sincerity. All at once, memories of the weight of each touch melts away these walls of anger and lies to give way to the unbearable sweetness of treasured value of which you mean to me.
Even if, we will have to go over days of unbearable solitude, even till the long stretches of the night fades and the harshness of light brings trickle of sweat at our brows, I will always still hear you beating softly in my heart of hearts. It will go on as this long search of our purusha brings us to the end of eternity. I promise as light peeks over the end, you’ll see me with my heart wide open. At ready to welcome you as we renew our promises of just yesterday to be and just be always as One."
jeng jeng jeng...suspen bukan suspender :P dun worry gua maseh jugak GUA. cuma tinggal jiwangs gua jer yang ter ter ter keluar! nie sumer pasal citer 'All about love ' yang che poww pinjam gua *sigh* oh! mamat che demi moore sungguh kiut walaupong pantat dier leper *hehe* tapi sungguh takbley carry amanda peet sweet kelakar giler langgar cermin! *terkencitcikitketawa*
stay sane,
amyemeelea
Monday, July 17, 2006
it matters..
"It is not by 'thinking out' the entire reality, but by a change of conciousness that one can pass from ignorance to the Knowledge - the Knowledge by which we become what we know. To pass from the external to a direct and intimate inner conciousness; to widen conciousness out of the limits of the ego and the body; to heighten it by an inner will and aspiration and opening to the Light till it passes in its ascent beyond Mind; to bring down a descent to the supramental Divine through self-giving and surrender with a consequent transformation of mind, life and body - this is the integral way to the Truth." - Sri Aubindo
i realised today that i slept the whole day through. plagued by incessant voices and dreams of those closest to me. at many times i didn't want to wake up. i didn't want them to end and hence lost was reality to me till i forced myself up to actually do some work. physical work. it is not enough to be able to change or decide the course of things in one's mind but rather its futher application of one's hopes and dreams to extend to our waking moments. the feelings of hopelessness i didn't want to bring back from my recent plays of mind but it is the desire to work things out and have better control of myself during those nightmarish moments. i had wanted to feel in control but yet it slips past me just like water through my fingers. still....the tightening coil of being in control held me together as i try to keep those self destructive feelings of anger and betrayal away. and then it struck me! the impossibilty of being and its endless riddles fall away as i understood what i have to do. which is to simply BE.
no i didn't dream of being in macritchie! but my pillar of strength who is right now probably already in japan should be smiling. knowing that i kept that small piece of memory etched in my mind. i hope you are reading this!
it was a hot morning, we got turned away from slf building because i didn't have my documents with me. she was with me a new stranger who became privy to my innermost thoughts and turmoil. she took me away to sanctuary with a simple question of where is the one place i had my happier moments and soon found ourselves in macritchie reservoir. on top of a small hill over drinks we sat down and evaluted our lives. shared drinks and amidst ciggerate smoke in a seemingly serene and peaceful setting we made decisions. decisions that will change our course of lives forever. sacrifices were inevitable but the strength and free will to surrender and act to better our situations grew in abundance! i will never forget that day :) as i will never forget how you turned from a beautiful stranger to a pillar of strength and into someone who touched my being with small very meaningful gestures.
it will be worth the wait our next fondue session! and in the meantime i have to concentrate on being punctual for work *hehehehe* and of course my schoolwork. i'd be starting my specialist diploma in applied psychology next term!!! but gosh!!! there's still so much to do :P resign! resign! resign! have coffee and watch other people rush to work, that is one that i am dying to try but i'm still happy at work though sometimes just sometimes i just wished i was doing something that i really wished for :P
stay sane,
amyemeelea
i realised today that i slept the whole day through. plagued by incessant voices and dreams of those closest to me. at many times i didn't want to wake up. i didn't want them to end and hence lost was reality to me till i forced myself up to actually do some work. physical work. it is not enough to be able to change or decide the course of things in one's mind but rather its futher application of one's hopes and dreams to extend to our waking moments. the feelings of hopelessness i didn't want to bring back from my recent plays of mind but it is the desire to work things out and have better control of myself during those nightmarish moments. i had wanted to feel in control but yet it slips past me just like water through my fingers. still....the tightening coil of being in control held me together as i try to keep those self destructive feelings of anger and betrayal away. and then it struck me! the impossibilty of being and its endless riddles fall away as i understood what i have to do. which is to simply BE.
no i didn't dream of being in macritchie! but my pillar of strength who is right now probably already in japan should be smiling. knowing that i kept that small piece of memory etched in my mind. i hope you are reading this!
it was a hot morning, we got turned away from slf building because i didn't have my documents with me. she was with me a new stranger who became privy to my innermost thoughts and turmoil. she took me away to sanctuary with a simple question of where is the one place i had my happier moments and soon found ourselves in macritchie reservoir. on top of a small hill over drinks we sat down and evaluted our lives. shared drinks and amidst ciggerate smoke in a seemingly serene and peaceful setting we made decisions. decisions that will change our course of lives forever. sacrifices were inevitable but the strength and free will to surrender and act to better our situations grew in abundance! i will never forget that day :) as i will never forget how you turned from a beautiful stranger to a pillar of strength and into someone who touched my being with small very meaningful gestures.
it will be worth the wait our next fondue session! and in the meantime i have to concentrate on being punctual for work *hehehehe* and of course my schoolwork. i'd be starting my specialist diploma in applied psychology next term!!! but gosh!!! there's still so much to do :P resign! resign! resign! have coffee and watch other people rush to work, that is one that i am dying to try but i'm still happy at work though sometimes just sometimes i just wished i was doing something that i really wished for :P
stay sane,
amyemeelea
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
stuff that makes me goo mmMmmmm...
after so many depressing *ithink* posts i said to myself i must blog about all the things that make me happy....just to remind myself that i am not a sorry sad depressing piece of crap :)
1. telling the 3 terrors my impromtu made up stories
2. a long walk to nowhere
3. being able to watch the sunrise and set
4. talking about books
5. discussing current affairs with much participation from those around me
6. kittens or cats or furry animals
7. i simply love reading and it could be anything
8. eating *nuffsaid*
9. sharing funny jokes
10. bringing out my inner minah :P
11. making another person smile
12. a good looooOooooooooong massage
13. my hypnotheraphy classes
14. watching scary movies
15. a mani and pedi :D
16. shopping!
17. watching the tide
18. a long swim
19. i love to paint or do arts and crafts
20. write in my journal, a piece of a paper...anything
21. lucid dreaming
22. going to the library
23. walking in the rain
24. reaching out and holding hands
25. susan, asni, fusae, imran, ali, don, kecik, bobo, kamil, lala, noor
26. horse riding
27. salty air
29. csi, criminal mind and bitchy reality shows hehe
30. ......
i am also learning new tamil words! so the other day i was telling the other half about this new word and this piece of conversation still makes me giggle...
me: i learnt a new tamil word today!! *sexcited* it is the tamil word for 'chicken'
other : hmmmmm
me: yeap its 'koli'....koli is chicken in tamil
other: okay
me: then i asked sumi what was 'ayam belanda' or turkey called in tamil? she said its 'vann koli' *saiditwithbestindianaccent*
other: hehe *smilesthenlaughs*
me: whats so funny? *totitwasmyindianaccent*
other: pasal ayam tue dari negri belanda ehk?? abeh ada van damme, van diesel..err most peeps from holland have names with 'van' in front per :P so 'vann ayam'...'vann koli'????
me: muahahahahahah!
okay lar..i suck at blogging about the ayam joke :D still its really funny lar or it's just me being biased cos the other half is err...the other half! :P
stay sane,
amyemeelea...
1. telling the 3 terrors my impromtu made up stories
2. a long walk to nowhere
3. being able to watch the sunrise and set
4. talking about books
5. discussing current affairs with much participation from those around me
6. kittens or cats or furry animals
7. i simply love reading and it could be anything
8. eating *nuffsaid*
9. sharing funny jokes
10. bringing out my inner minah :P
11. making another person smile
12. a good looooOooooooooong massage
13. my hypnotheraphy classes
14. watching scary movies
15. a mani and pedi :D
16. shopping!
17. watching the tide
18. a long swim
19. i love to paint or do arts and crafts
20. write in my journal, a piece of a paper...anything
21. lucid dreaming
22. going to the library
23. walking in the rain
24. reaching out and holding hands
25. susan, asni, fusae, imran, ali, don, kecik, bobo, kamil, lala, noor
26. horse riding
27. salty air
29. csi, criminal mind and bitchy reality shows hehe
30. ......
i am also learning new tamil words! so the other day i was telling the other half about this new word and this piece of conversation still makes me giggle...
me: i learnt a new tamil word today!! *sexcited* it is the tamil word for 'chicken'
other : hmmmmm
me: yeap its 'koli'....koli is chicken in tamil
other: okay
me: then i asked sumi what was 'ayam belanda' or turkey called in tamil? she said its 'vann koli' *saiditwithbestindianaccent*
other: hehe *smilesthenlaughs*
me: whats so funny? *totitwasmyindianaccent*
other: pasal ayam tue dari negri belanda ehk?? abeh ada van damme, van diesel..err most peeps from holland have names with 'van' in front per :P so 'vann ayam'...'vann koli'????
me: muahahahahahah!
okay lar..i suck at blogging about the ayam joke :D still its really funny lar or it's just me being biased cos the other half is err...the other half! :P
stay sane,
amyemeelea...
Sunday, July 02, 2006
The fever breaks....
Here I am sitting down in front of the pc and thinking about finishing my assignments but my head is swimming with more buzz about day-to-day stuff. Have I drawn up my bill payments for this month? What are my main objectives at work and how I can improve on speeding up input processes without getting dragged down office politics and of course…I feel so tired I can sleep for another 24 hours tops. My body aches and there’s only so much I can look forward to. Errrmmm….like meeting the kids over the weekend and and and….tough…tough..tough when I try to think about looking forward to things this week.
The senses of achievements are lost in my mundane droning way of looking into the future. The weather has been horrid and it’s been days since I have felt ‘good’. I hate feeling blue and nothing works or perks me up like a lil pat over the shoulder. poww called the other day and our conversation toughened up every resolved cell in my body to put in a 100% into my commitment to make things work. Sorry if I didn’t call you back powwsters….please do accept my sincerest apologies. When everything was let out, blissful sleep overtook and there goes the hours lost in soothing dreams. So thank you for bringing on the sense of needed relief :) you are a true friend *sobslikeafiveyearold *
So getting down to business, to only speak when spoken to. Do you think that such a stand will be able to support the idea of effective communication? How would you know what the person likes? Dislikes and ultimately his or her dreams and ideals? I was thrown the idea when it was noted and proved that such a stand works if you want to get to know a person and never forget how he or she is like. Say you want to know if she likes ice cream or not…the rules of engaging are when you are in the speak only when spoken to mode is not to ask if the person likes ice cream but to PUT YOURSELF IN THE PERSON’S SHOES, wait for the ideal moment and THEN WORK OUT A NICE NON INTRUDING SITUATION TO TEST THE THEORY. In other words just buy the person ice-cream lar and see whether she likes it or not :P but what if I want to know whether she is a republican or a democrat? Or if she think feminism is an outdated stand? Does she believe in breastfeeding? or if god is one of us?? How?! How?! How?!!! It is believed that all that we stand for and believe in is reflected in the way we say and do things…and I do believe in that but I also believe there are many facets on one’s life that is not so visible hence all at once complicating this get to know each other and everyone process.
The moral of the story is that actions speaks louder than words and the above rote of learning is exactly how you can make your actions count. well, for someone who is so used to ask and be given, this above challenge will be tough for me. Nothing will be asked as the want and need is simple, the other party wants to feel loved unconditionally. I’d have to make sure I don’t fall back into my old pattern of thinking and doing things. Wish me luck!!
Stay sane,
amyemeelea
The senses of achievements are lost in my mundane droning way of looking into the future. The weather has been horrid and it’s been days since I have felt ‘good’. I hate feeling blue and nothing works or perks me up like a lil pat over the shoulder. poww called the other day and our conversation toughened up every resolved cell in my body to put in a 100% into my commitment to make things work. Sorry if I didn’t call you back powwsters….please do accept my sincerest apologies. When everything was let out, blissful sleep overtook and there goes the hours lost in soothing dreams. So thank you for bringing on the sense of needed relief :) you are a true friend *sobslikeafiveyearold *
So getting down to business, to only speak when spoken to. Do you think that such a stand will be able to support the idea of effective communication? How would you know what the person likes? Dislikes and ultimately his or her dreams and ideals? I was thrown the idea when it was noted and proved that such a stand works if you want to get to know a person and never forget how he or she is like. Say you want to know if she likes ice cream or not…the rules of engaging are when you are in the speak only when spoken to mode is not to ask if the person likes ice cream but to PUT YOURSELF IN THE PERSON’S SHOES, wait for the ideal moment and THEN WORK OUT A NICE NON INTRUDING SITUATION TO TEST THE THEORY. In other words just buy the person ice-cream lar and see whether she likes it or not :P but what if I want to know whether she is a republican or a democrat? Or if she think feminism is an outdated stand? Does she believe in breastfeeding? or if god is one of us?? How?! How?! How?!!! It is believed that all that we stand for and believe in is reflected in the way we say and do things…and I do believe in that but I also believe there are many facets on one’s life that is not so visible hence all at once complicating this get to know each other and everyone process.
The moral of the story is that actions speaks louder than words and the above rote of learning is exactly how you can make your actions count. well, for someone who is so used to ask and be given, this above challenge will be tough for me. Nothing will be asked as the want and need is simple, the other party wants to feel loved unconditionally. I’d have to make sure I don’t fall back into my old pattern of thinking and doing things. Wish me luck!!
Stay sane,
amyemeelea
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