it matters..

"It is not by 'thinking out' the entire reality, but by a change of conciousness that one can pass from ignorance to the Knowledge - the Knowledge by which we become what we know. To pass from the external to a direct and intimate inner conciousness; to widen conciousness out of the limits of the ego and the body; to heighten it by an inner will and aspiration and opening to the Light till it passes in its ascent beyond Mind; to bring down a descent to the supramental Divine through self-giving and surrender with a consequent transformation of mind, life and body - this is the integral way to the Truth." - Sri Aubindo

i realised today that i slept the whole day through. plagued by incessant voices and dreams of those closest to me. at many times i didn't want to wake up. i didn't want them to end and hence lost was reality to me till i forced myself up to actually do some work. physical work. it is not enough to be able to change or decide the course of things in one's mind but rather its futher application of one's hopes and dreams to extend to our waking moments. the feelings of hopelessness i didn't want to bring back from my recent plays of mind but it is the desire to work things out and have better control of myself during those nightmarish moments. i had wanted to feel in control but yet it slips past me just like water through my fingers. still....the tightening coil of being in control held me together as i try to keep those self destructive feelings of anger and betrayal away. and then it struck me! the impossibilty of being and its endless riddles fall away as i understood what i have to do. which is to simply BE.

no i didn't dream of being in macritchie! but my pillar of strength who is right now probably already in japan should be smiling. knowing that i kept that small piece of memory etched in my mind. i hope you are reading this!

it was a hot morning, we got turned away from slf building because i didn't have my documents with me. she was with me a new stranger who became privy to my innermost thoughts and turmoil. she took me away to sanctuary with a simple question of where is the one place i had my happier moments and soon found ourselves in macritchie reservoir. on top of a small hill over drinks we sat down and evaluted our lives. shared drinks and amidst ciggerate smoke in a seemingly serene and peaceful setting we made decisions. decisions that will change our course of lives forever. sacrifices were inevitable but the strength and free will to surrender and act to better our situations grew in abundance! i will never forget that day :) as i will never forget how you turned from a beautiful stranger to a pillar of strength and into someone who touched my being with small very meaningful gestures.

it will be worth the wait our next fondue session! and in the meantime i have to concentrate on being punctual for work *hehehehe* and of course my schoolwork. i'd be starting my specialist diploma in applied psychology next term!!! but gosh!!! there's still so much to do :P resign! resign! resign! have coffee and watch other people rush to work, that is one that i am dying to try but i'm still happy at work though sometimes just sometimes i just wished i was doing something that i really wished for :P

stay sane,
amyemeelea