Countdown....NOT

It is DA HOLIDAYS!!! And I’m pretty comfy at home doing my own stuff in front of the pc. It is funny but I relish the fact that, right about now……there is nothing but me, myself and the one called jahat >D I’m actually doing some cleaning *laundry*and I actually did try to sleep in even later *wasonlyoutofbedat1plus* yeap…I am such a pig sometimes but I couldn’t clear my head of lists of things to do. I would love to update about work but after thinking about it, I wouldn’t want to read about more stupid, hateful people anymore than you do. But I’ll save the funny laugh-till-you-fart-bits for time to come. I had to uninstall msn messenger cos I got caught! I kinda knew the mr. office owl and ms. tub-o-shit were also spying on me but I am determined to make this work so when the da boss asked me himself who I was chatting with, I acted on auto and uninstalled it. Better safe than sorry. And the office owl is incidentaly also our system admin guy and he wasn’t shy at all when I caught him roaming live on my desktop while working. *eeeeeeeeeeeewtatot!!!!* so no more reading blogs, no more sweet distractions because I really, really, really would hate it if these peeps could have an inkling of my likes, dislikes and of anything me. And yeap, from the likes of it at work, I wouldn’t want them to have any dirt on me just so that they can stuff it up my ass anytime they like ;) That is how much I want to distance myself from the people at work. nothing personal, just practicing professionalism.

Today is the last day of 2006! And what can I feel proud of 2006 as myself? Did I manage to cross anything off my resolution list? :D but seriously, I forgot what WERE on my list to begin with. Still, I know in whatever I did, I did my best and I’m happy. Highlights of 2006….not in any order of importance of course.

- Moved in with bobby & shikino!!! *sweetrelief*
- my 28th birthday and my elder bro got me my first book of 2006 :D *happygiler*
- my classes and bonding sessions with elder bro…who from now on will be known as don_bugis on my blog *yeay!!!*
- my sushi outing with poww and yunis!!!!! And also my first time meeting with sham *happygilerjugak*
- bobby & shikino incident in march, my wake up call to reality of being... *emomoment*
- unforgettable nite out with fave couple, powwsters and prince harry, wearing my fave micheal jackson leather jacket *hehehe*
- jihn’s wedding!!!!!!! And all weddings in 2006 *metheonoffsappyromantic*
- Suicide in sengkang…nuff said...*mindtrip*
- First time I got a DISTINCTION in anything..otey besides those times in secondary school I ace in Arts. *lompatsukaria!*
- Science centre trip with kids!!!! *daBOMB*
- My short stint at seagate woodlands as a Manufacturing ninja turtle.. *muehehehehe*
- All my time spent at the various libraries studying…usually other subjects instead of school work *noty*
- Mornings with the 3 terrors!!! The good, the bad and the ugly..i mean the days never the kids ;) *chokesobsob*

Otey…scrolling up and down, I can see that there wasn’t anything to say about career except for my stint at seagate and only because i met the most colourful people there and there wasn’t anything to say about ‘the other half’. And I had to look through my journal to pick my highlights so I cheated. Highlights should just pop in your head! Instantly bring on extreme bouts of feelings and vivid memories, but in those two catergories I have *maybeunintentionally* purposely left out. It has always been confusing and of varied intense feelings, many a times very much felt in extreme; but all in the end mixed till it evens out to nothing. So here is to 2007!!!! Where my new year’s resolution is to still be my best in hopes that I won’t have to keep refering to the written to remind me of what is important in my life. and in order of importance will be....*drumrolls*

The responsible and fun-EST Mother to the 3 terrors.
The loved and loving Sister to all my siblings, yes I don’t care if I don’t share the same father with the other 4.
The loyal and dependable Friend to all whom regards me as one..yes, even those who turned foes :)
And last but not least….
I will work harder as I beckon my soul to come closer because I thirst so much of desire to BE.

So as Albert Einstein once said, there is two ways of living life – “One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” My wish for all is to have a blessed & prosperous *yeay!!forFREEWILL* New Year aye? And enjoy the holidays!!!!!!! of course the whole of 2007 even MORE.

Stay sane!!!
Jahatamyemeelea

Inhale!

This is wrong! but am in need for a little quiet ‘den’ time. the head honcho has gone for another trip and so all the cats and dogs come out to plaaaaaaayyyyyyyy :D *crossesfingerssaysaprayerdungetcaughtblogging*

But I should really think about setting time aside to write regularly. And study! And to read! And to see my sorely missed friends! *blueek* Anywho, the terrors concert went great. Minor glitches were expected but thank god nothing that required me to rear forward my obstinate, uncouth *unglam* side on that day. I did get in and even got a seat! I clapped loudest of course when I saw each of the terrors perform and ordered a vcd of the concert for keepsakes. I was so proud of the children that day, all of them because as kids are, they are soooOooooo cute when trying their damnest to be perfectly just kids. No pictures though but thrust me when I say all of them were super cute. Just like when the soon to be 2 year olds had to do a fancy dress catwalk and there was a boy who dressed up as Superman. The music went on but Superman refused to go up stage *muahahahah* he was crying! The teacher of course dragged….ermm pulled on him on stage and when the beating of his heart synchronized with the thunderous applause, he steadied himself and amazingly went through the parade like the Superman he is.

The week came and went without making any impressions on my soul. Except for last Saturday when I picked the terrors up without any prior plans whatsoever in my head. In the end, since everyone was busy we trooped down to woodlala-land to chill in my room. But! The weather was working with me and it started to pour…I asked terror 1 to peek and proposed a walk in the rain. I knew they were forbided by their father to go anywhere in the rain but I knew it would be hard to resist and I had their trust to keep them safe so a minute later, all of us then put on our beat the rain gear and headed out the door. As long as there wasn’t thunder and lightning, it was a good day as any other to go for a walk. We sang “rain rain go away” but immensely enjoyed splashing in the puddles, we tasted the rain and all along the way I tried my best to answer all their questions. It ranged from explaining where does the rain come from, to telling a story to explain to the terrors that not all step mothers are evil ;) We went home only when the rain stopped and my soul for a minute suspended itself in heaven when terror 1 shouted to the skies, how this was the BEST day out ever! I herded all into the bathroom for a warm shower and we sang “bubble, bubble bath” courtesy of Barney till the only energy left was for dinner. It was close to 11pm when we got to Yishun and before you could say “tido!”….the 3 terrors were all sound asleep leaving me to continue the story of Despereux the mouse, my voice drowning amidst teeny snores.

Kids got to stay another night because school was closed. Someone died and as they say, someone else’s misfortune was my pot of gold. Had to borrow work clothes from my niece and it was another Monday at work. The other half was very sweet to pick me up from work and he drove me home. Bobby and shikino then helped me drive the 3 terrors back and after that we went to Tamps to shop at my cousins! She had a loadful of warehouse mango apparel to let go at cheap cheap prices and so shikino and me went bonkers trying on stuff and ended up blowing about 200 bucks. Mine was a total 8 pieces and damage was 56 bucks *phew* we drove to simpang bedok and had fantastic supper as food is always delicious when one is ravenous. Lagik best kalau adik yang bayar!!! Impressions don’t last and scuff marks need a lil bit more work to tease out, so that was my week…

Stay sane,
Amyemeelea *exhale*

Su mi ma sen....

"Sing For Absolution"

lips are turning blue
a kiss that can't renew
I only dream of you
my beautiful

tiptoe to your room
a starlight in the gloom
I only dream of you
and you never knew

sing for absolution
I will be singing
falling from your grace

there's nowhere left to hide
in no one to confide
the truth runs deep inside
and will never die

lips are turning blue
a kiss that can't renew
I only dream of you
my beautiful

sing for absolution
I will be singing
falling from your grace

sing for absolution
I will be singing
falling from your grace

our wrongs remain unrectified
and our souls won't be exhumed

*argghhhhhhhh!!!* I want to go to the concert!!!!!!!!!!! Their concert! MUSE IS COMING TO SINGY!!!!!!! And aptly they’d be playing at fort canning. I can’t stop singing the above song since last night and my hands are itching mad to go dig for my sony clie *circadunnowhen* so that I can listen to this song over and over and over again. I remember the first time I heard the song ‘unintended’ and was so blown away that I still get heart palpitations whenever I listen to it. I don’t get much of a chance to listen to music because I prefer books to music. There isn’t much bands or music that I am really crazy to the point that I have, have to buy their album and all but I told myself that I must work on buying myself an mp3 soon or something :P MUSE! MUSE! MUSE!!!!!!!!!! *singingwithpenuhfeeling*

will soon be getting ready for the kids graduation concert of which I am not welcome to. Terror 1 spoke to me about it since last week and efforts to get information of how to get an invitation has eluded me like a scared rabbit who has lost its tail to some rabid disease. BUT! I know the kids are so proud of working so hard at the concert and they have asked me personally if I could come. So more calls, sneaking around and finally! I know they start at 1pm today. I’m just going to gatecrash and hope that I could take peeks. I just want to be there and congratulate all of them on a full year’s work of school. I don’t care if I have to wait till its all over, I don’t care if I will irk the hell out of him *andpartner*, I just don’t care. I just know that the terrors asked if I could come and I said yes. I just know that this means a lot to them and I just know that this is an important day for them. And I know the terrors will not understand why if I tell them I can’t get tickets because I am not recognised by the school as a parent. They will also not understand that probably their father doesn’t want me there too if I tell them that he did his damnest not to return any of my calls. Ditto when asked their grandmother who stuttered when asked pointblank what time is the concert today. I’m going to leave all that in the adult realm of things because today terror 1, 2 and 3 are graduating!!!!!! And all that matters to me is that I honor their invitation to be part of their big big day.

I already bought them small gifts to mark this day and I already promised myself to be on my best behaviour. Come what may!!! I’m just going to enjoy the feeling of being a proud parent of 3 terrors who will be singing and dancing their hearts out today. Excuse me while I get ready for the greatest concert ever….all the while singing for my absolution.

Overlooking the window,
amyemeelea

thunder strikes..

It is early morning in the office. My boss has gone away for another trip to India and I can’t seem to have a feel of the office today. Everyone is so distant and as usual, the hot topic of the morning is, ‘Why am I late today?’ I love the coffee from Wee’s and at 60 cents for a kopi o kao giler; it packs up my morning with enough caffeine to work the engine till about lunch time. Today, I decided to work on another plan to save the 60 cents which is to buy my own kopi at 0.06 cents *itisacoincidence* and milk the office pantry of its contents for my own selfish needs *hehe* but the kopi wasn’t as kao *thick* as I would have liked. I also liked Wee and our morning rambles of the books we have read so far. He was the one who insisted I must read Dan Brown no matter what anybody said and I have in my mind to introduce him to one of my favorite thriller authors soon. I have yet to pick one but I hope I won’t disappoint. But! its cost cutting over intresting 3 minute conversations ;)

The weekend with the kids held more surprises. Terror 1 can swim without a float! And terror 2 can paddle nicely with no fear all the way to the centre of the pool. He can now blow bubbles without swallowing water too! So the short impromptu lessons are working! *yeay* terror 3 was only interested in learning how to piggy back mama without slipping *hehe* though but she learnt how to sing a new song. Terror 1 asked me why I only have 3 children and while trying to explain the birds and the bees she remarked that she doesn’t like taking our family as an example. She said it would ‘bring tears to her eyes’.I swear she used the exact words. I explained that there are many families just like ours and she should be thankful that both of her parents are still alive. What about those who have lost their parents to death? I’m sure that would bring even more sadness and hurt. I know how they feel but am adamant to make it feel less gnawing on the senses. Real life hurts and they need to know why. The blame will never leave my shoulders and I am making time to muscle them up for more strength.

Terror 2 told me he’s been having nightmares and in them he felt powerless to fight them off. He explained that he said his prayers and washed himself before sleep but still the nightmares came. And yes, there were times he’d be thrashing around and actually cry during sleep. Digging deeper, I explained to him how in his dreams it is possible to be anything that he wanted to be or do anything he wanted to do and we dream because it is necessary for creativity and rest. He can't understand how running away from mosters can be restful so then I gave him a beaded necklace of tiger stones to draw inspiration from. He listened and saw how the stones got their name and took it to the test. In the morning he said he had no nightmares! But preferred an alligator’s tooth as a necklace because while watching a scary zombie movie later he touched his necklace but still felt scared and innocently told me, “mama, I think the tiger sleep lar.” *giggles* well, back to the drawing board on that one! I asked if he ever told his dad about the dreams but he said he didn’t want to be called a scaredy cat. I also noticed he didn’t like to write his full name down and even came up with excuses like he doesn’t know how to spell his name till he got so tired of having to write it down anyway to my insistence. To escape he turned and just said blankly, “I don’t like the name hafeez.” He doesn’t even like to be called by the name and am wondering why. I’d find out soon enough ;)

I haven’t sat down in front of the pc for a good deal of thinking and writing, let alone empty the camera to get more photos of the kids downloaded. I need time alone, to do my stuff during my own time. Stealing bits of time in between doesn’t work as it’s quite distracting.

stay sane,
amyemeelea

Misguided sheep..

The alarm clock died at 530am this morning but I awoke to foggy dreams of making endless trips to funan to try change the game I bought for the other half to one that could actually be played on his lappy! >( I got him ‘need for speed carbon’ for his birthday but the audio and visual specs are prolly too high for the game to be played on his HP lappy. He was so looking forward to playing it and now after being told that it’s a no go to upgrade the specs on laptops, it might be that he can’t play the game at all?!!! *urghhh* nightmare siak! Da happy happy abeh kecundeng *hehe* still efforts must be made to see if something can be done. Either to the lappy or the game!

I left for work together with shikino my sis in law this morning. We chased after the bus together and I told her about how the book by Dan Brown, The Da vinci Code found me via the owner of wee’s coffeeshop. I secretly pined for the book but avoided the book for quite sometime, maybe due to its commerciality or lack of funds to actually buy it :p The endless flows of reprints and related books, the movie, the documentary and on and on and on just got to me after sometime. I hoped she enjoyed the book as much as I did though but she said to enjoy the book better, it might be useful to be familiar with the references made on Christianity. So I’m hooked after the first few chapters, drawn in by the pace, symbology! And endless references to the world’s most famous art pieces just made me salivate for more. But I digress…she said goodbye at the mrt and I found myself thinking about how nice it felt to share that few moments with her even for that few minutes. I never had a sister but shared the best childhood moments with bobby but there’s nothing quite like sharing girly stuff with another girl ;) so hopefully a planned day out with shikino soon might be good.

First impressions don’t last as I shook ms.i’m-serious-about-work hands this morning. she asked me what cigarettes I smoked and when told that we share the same preference for menthols she reached out her hand which I instinctly shook. Her limp hand really meant, “can I have a stick cos I forgot mine stash.” *duhhh!* now I feel silly :) I hope I didn’t break any fingers. Got out with some of the guys here for lunch but am not going to make it a habit as I still love the moments of sly madness talking to the stray cats at the telok ayer arts center. I usually sit over the ledge while they look on lazily to read, write and toast myself in the humidity of lunch hour rush in the cbd! The cats are wary of strangers maybe because there’s been cases of missing and attacked felines in past and I think they know that there’s so few now who could actually appreciate their mangy existence.

As I embroil deep into the culture of my new workplace, its deep dark dank history *justof7years* of drawn war lines and horrible bitter office wars won and lost, start to sink into my flesh slowly, making me wince every time I have to bear witness to recurring mini spats between the camps. As the newfound neutral recruit, campaigns have already begun for my pledge *accck!* The last major spat saw 6 people tender their resignation at one time! *rubschin* saw enough bloodshed in my lifetime dealing with office politics, myself once a casualty of volatile emotions shooting off wild in all directions *shakeheads* so am going to maintain my fort at all costs! :D

“do nothing and yet there is nothing that is not done. To win the world one must attend to nothing. When one attends to this and that, He will not win the world.”
- old Chinese saying I think from sherry lim? *forgotthebook*

stay sane,
amyemeelea

quiet!!!!

I love working weekends or maybe not, but for this time, its nice to be left alone to go about your own work with no one to bother with what you are currently doing. Usually I spy ms. I’m-so-good-I got-tranferred always looking into my latest did dos. She goes around and then innocently asks me questions like,

Sleng: did the auditor ask for the manila envelopes?
Me: no, I put them there because there wasn’t any space in the last storage.

*ms. Sleng exits my left to her desk*

Sleng: have you updated the attendance?
Me: not yet.

*spies her standing 2 metres away from the corner of my eye looking over my shoulder*

Sleng: when you have time you rearrange everything lar ok?
Me: ok.

I seriously am beginning to think she misses her old job. She comes by my desk to use the pc, claiming that hers doesn’t work. and I think its because she doesn’t know how the hell to use the system yet but do not want her new best buds in the customer service department to know *sniggers*. And she’s happy to go around doing what I’m supposed to do which I think is just so she can make me look stupid or her look busy. Or I have reason to suspect that its because I seem to be working the office like a charm. :P I don’t know, maybe it took her like a week to work the telephone system and she haven’t done any filling from August! half of which I managed to clear at least in 3 days. Everytime it happens I just smile, answer as honestly and sugary sweet as I should; having decided to leave any trace of sarcasm from my voice and actions at home. They can’t appreciate good cracks anyway so why waste them on ms. Sleng and company! All that doesn’t really bother me, its only the fact that when I specifically asks about something she throws a huff and answers non-comittally. You know the wishy washy type, who can’t seem to decide whether they are smart or really only acting smart. In the end they end up sabotaging themselves for really being shown as acting SILLY with answers such as, “I told you already right~~~ where the stationery was?” When she merely pointed out where everything was, which is all OVER the office and then handed me a plastic folder stuffed with a pile of papers each trailing each other, all to be filed under ‘Stationery Inventory’. It is all not updated, not filed, not organized in any way and yet she brazenly dares to tell me go sniff my own butt at a simple request to refresh my memory.

*hehe* she reminds me of those people who makes it a point to ruin your day somehow or another. Personally she checks on my grooming too. My eyes too puffy, my lips too red, I’m too slow in answering the phonecalls because I make it a point to properly greet and follow a certain self imposed standard where standards are non existent because 'we are a very small company’ or BEST reason so far! Is that ‘we are very busy’ *blursaper takbusysiak!* but this is me describing my new workplace as honestly as I could. As we are approaching a time where same sex laws are to be amended to be okay between two consenting heterosexual adults is underway and the word ‘globalisation’ being used as a punctuation mark in every conversation about the economy; I can’t help but assume that now we’d never have to argue about whose responsibility is heaviest! Is it of customer service? Sales? Biz development? Too old for my taste that, and someone has to do the job of making your coffee, sort mail and work the switchboard. Why am I any different from the girl who takes bookings from customers, the babe who services the clients needs and the lady who prepares convincing proposals to seek expansion approval from the boss?? Why? Why? Why?? Don’t I work for a living just as all of you? i put her in the same catergory i put ms.saiko and frens where the mindset is, if you don't earn 3k a above a month you are a non consequence, no importance :D yes, sometimes they do flit across my mind >) Neway, at least I managed to tone ms. I-am-so-good-I-got-transferred down a notch by chance when the other day, she was telling me with an air of importance and superiority, how I MUST HAVE HIGH EQ when dealing with callers as they can be very rude and unreasonable *duh!* sometimes. I mumbled a feeble ‘uh-uhh’ and went about doing my work and the twist came when she added with a twinkle in her eye, why I carry such a big bag all the time and I told her of my habit of carrying my school notes and books wherever i go so that I could catch up reading for my assignments. She smiled gleefully and concluded with a “oh! You still schooling ah? What do you study?” and I replied, “applied psychology". *muahahahahah* you should have seen her face turn ash grey and her ability to quickly swallow pooling saliva was impressive! It is at times like this I relish the punch that comes with the mere mention of the word psychology. And I suspect it’s because deep down we all remember that psychology IS the study of the soul :)

"It is the little rift within the lute,
That by and by will make the music mute,
And ever widening slowly silence all."

stay sane,
amyemeelea

p/s *which means 'postscript' i just got to know today :P* : i'm studying my own soul so no worries about me stealing peeks into your left eye ehk!

Happy post-ever after!

Its been a heady week and I’m sure there’d be a few cases of extreme malaise *soundslikemalasmalaslmalas* going in circles making its rounds. I spy bulging tummies and aching feet but I’m sure the kiddies are having a whale of a time counting their fat fat collection. Maybe mummy and daddy would let you buy that fabulous something you have been eyeing for quite sometime now ehk? :)

i spent the first two days working and I said all my goodbyes to my week or so colleagues. They pressed me for hari raya goodies but I sadly this year I have none to share. Neway, I do intend to bake some post raya *maybeusepostcereal!* and could easily pass some to the guys since they are but 5 mins away. I got the 3 terrors last weekend and we had a blast! We went around zipping in bobby’s car and the kids gave bobby a huge headache *hehe* it was the sugar rush that made them do it *innocentlyblur* and on the last night before I had to send the 3 terrors home, we counted the money everyone had and went to spend it ALL on the things they want. Of course terror 1 and 2 got stuff for school too. Terror 1 was insistent about saving the money to herself and said that she needed it to pay for her school fees! :P so I said, “Suit yourself but terror 2 and 3 will be spending all of theirs just like last year at the bookshop.”I think it was the lethargy of having to be good and well behaved the whole of 2 days that crumbled her defense and having the other 2 terrors gloat didn’t help either. She stopped being so sensible and turned 6 years old the minute she stepped over the threshold to sprint to the color pencil section.

Right after that weekend I started work here in Shenton Way! I tried my damnest not to bitch, complain or find any fault with the everything new around me but it was hard. At least I think I did good or maybe I’m not really in a vent mood today. The whole office is away in Thailand for a short company trip. There is only ms. spittle (she speaks and you’d need an umbrella) and ms. I-know-better (as loud as me) to keep me company or the firm open. My very first official blog entry from work! some peace at last because ms.i-so-good-i-got-transferred is not breathing down my neck and giving me all the wrong info. Spent 2 days sorting 2 or possibly 3 months worth of filling only to be told I got it all wrong *shuddergerams*but I took it in stride and well…I shouldn’t be such a biting bitch. I finally got my wish and I could be anyone I like over here. But! Shaik al camel works right beside over at the next building and I bumped into him while on the way back from work last Tuesday. Damn! He knows why I switched from Marlboro menthol to sampoerna! :P

Called jo berok yesterday and he sounded so bleargh. He has finally succumbed to taking medication and is on a kind of anti depressant. He complained of major headaches and was told by the doctor that it is very normal. I told him to give me the details of it so that I could check why it is being used on him and if it really has side effects. I pray that he’d feel better soon. On a light note, the recent holidays will serve its backlash overflowing from moments of pure indulgence and I bet its results will be hilariously disastrous. Nyce!! Apsal lu kena masok hospital?! Sham! Gua pon miss lu! Poww! bila off? Eh gemok! Password da letak blom? >) imgigi! Jaga lu, siap nanti kena korban…

Stay sane peeps,
amyemeelea

The Self wishes all Salam Eid Al Mubarak...

random ad nauseum *firstthigsfirst* >)

i went out to have my mini pre raya celebration yesterday with the other half and besides ending up super hungry when i got home, it was a night i felt very blessed to have someone loved to be by my side. woke up Eid afternoon *hehe* to bobby's cries of "bangun lar!" and replied that i had no motivation to do so cos no have Raya goodies to lure me up from bed! And he said maybe i would like to make a bit of noise and parade outside for a bit so the Makcik pandai masak *ourneighbour* might just send us sample goodies as she did last year! The thought of sambal udang! rendang! ketupat! *arrrgh!salivating!* i stayed in bed for a few more minutes and woke up in shorts and t-shirt to take pictures of the Eid couple in the house wearing baby blue and had a very emo-moment when bobby and shikino took me in their arms to wish a very smelly me a Safe Eid. The apologies struck me and it was one of those very few times that bobby took my hands to kiss it as a form of respect to and elder *beamsproud* sadness overcame when i really wished i had been otherwise...an ELDERWISE!

*raya songs from warna radio in background*

i got to speak to the 3 terrors yesterday and reconfirmed picking them up for the weekend. i didn't get to speak to them today but maybe later tonight or tomorrow morning will try to squeeze bits and see if thier Eid celebrations were fun! i made coffee for myself and showered. Peeked through my phone and read the wishes from friends coming in as early as 830am! *wavesatpoww!* Contentment rushed me to gear up for the day at home. Images of my loved ones rushing here and about to tighten the familial bonds in matching kurungs, the sounds of joyful laughter and hidden regretful sobs rushed past. I'd be looking forward to make my rounds soon, Insyaaallah! Wore my black dress *sombremood* and sent my raya sms replies to all in my phonelist and plonked myself in front of the pc!

*black dog bone on the radio!!!*

"siapakah yang sudi..menghulurkan simpati..." *saaap* nie gua step sedih anak yatim piano lar nie :P tapi gua tak sedih cuma syahdu jer. every year this song reminds me of having to work lar on the first day of Eid. and i'm not alone. i know of many who sacrificed their holidays for others to give in to the rest to be able to revel in the celebrations and give thanks. with belief that there'll be more chances for our turn in days to come. Hari nie awak cuti, besok lusa kita plak lar nyer!! :) Amin!

Alhamdullilah for the past, present and future..As Allah forgives, I forgive. Even myself.

Stay sane and u'd always be in our prayers Insyaallah,
jahatamyemeelea & the 3 terrors namely...Puteri Isabella, Putera Emir Hafeez and the teeny tiny one last but never least, Emira Natasha

its good news from rat race land!

i got a call from titot about the job and she asked me to call the person to reconfirm a date for an interview. so i called and the interview was set for tuesday afternoon. i was to bring another copy of my resume plus certs and i braced myself yet for another session of which i know was going to include me having to answer, "tell me, why psychology?"

so i went to the interview and foggily remembered the locations of Asia Chambers. I used to work in the CBD eaons ago and a part of me still flickers with faint memories of walking up, down and everywhere in the CBD. it was an old building and most would remember Asia Chambers for being the building where you bought your bets! i got lost trying to look for its entrance but i thought that its location was okay. food and amenities were just around its corners. i spied a watsons nearby and a cosy coffee place just across to chill for super early mornings. and i told myself to do a wee bit walk around just to see what more surprises could greet me, right after the other corner IF i had the chance to work here. i went up the lift and asked for ms. poon. the receptionist asked why i was there and told me to fill in yet another form. i sat in the meeting room and received a hello and a few smiles from around me.

i was called into the room and i had to answer exactly why i chose psychology to major and then i was told of the position available. it is support staff for the accounts department but i have to cover reception duties as well. the general administration of the whole office plus the one beside it will be my responsibility. ad hoc duties will come from all departments but it was my first duty to call on the accounts department. no problemo..i was an old hand in multi tasking. i have my own desk and will be alone with no one breathing down my neck so i am a happy camper. they offered me my minimum and an increment of 100 bucks after 3 months confirmation. the receptionist who was going to be trasnferred to customer service was too happy to handover her duties to me there and then while i waited for ms. poon to prepare my appointment letter.

yes!!! i had asked for an appointment letter to be drawn and hopefully signed before i officially stepped in and they OBLIGED. it said 'accounts cum admin assistant' *throwsconfettiallaround* the other half was nice to ask me out for a mini celebration. and as we went through my present commitments and rushed up a to do list, i can't help but feel relieved. very thankful and really couldn't believe my luck. new job, new start in relationship...and yes new questions in class to tackle! new friends! new route to work! otey...i'm overdoing it for a bit.

later today will have to inform my supervisor about having to quit. reason an opporturnity i couldn't pass. even if i know bobby isn't too happy for me to be switching so soon. heck! i didn't think it would have been this soon! but i HAVE to think LONG term. maybe he put a wager on me with wifey *heheheh* for how long i can last this time and i think he already has a time for when i start complaining ;P will start very soon but first my duties to buff those saturates away for yet another few more days.

stay sane,
amyemeelea

me flies!

time really flies and sometimes it seems like it crawls bit by bit. depends on what you're doing and who you are with. it just doesn't stop. i am working nights part-time while i await good news from rat race land. the graveyard shift will and must be accompanied by momok *ghost* stories annd i find myself holding everything in. the people are okay and the best thing about work is that its 5 minutes tops from home. i will endure and try to swallow the boredom and the small frights in between. from red to dark skies, slowly peaking again to hazy morn awaits me a few nights in between my week. i take a deep breath and can only shrug away the grunts. say my thanks and mentally prepare myself for another day.

i saw the 3 terrors! and that was the highlght of my weekend. i got to them late but all was well when i reached the front door. we watched a bit of teevee and jumped into bobby's car for a quick spin. packets of gobbled sweets later, we said our prayers and fell into sleepy slumber by 11pm. it was heaven to be enveloped by thier sweet smells and it was busy romping around the next day for the whole time i was with them. i managed to keep them sane till i had to walk away to report for work. terror 1 and 2 kissed me goodbye and offered me prayers for a safe journey to work, a soft peck on my lips to seal them right to my heart. terror 3 was pouty and could only keep mum. i am truly blessed for my those around me as they helped to tie the loose ends for all the times i have to disappear. kak tina packed me food and bobby & shikino whisked them home! not before a short trip for ice cream and fries! i got pictures and swallowed my tears out, looking in. i really wish i could be with them more often and longer but alas....this is how it has to be for now.

another day in paradise and i hope the 3 cups of coffee i had will not haunt me till late. i will need my shuteye and must focus to look forward. i count my blessings and thank my challenges as they make me strong. for one so obviously pessimistic, i laugh at the times i climb the slippery steps to have a hold on optimistism. i slip and fall but i try and try again. often old scars sting and burn when the drip of my salty tears touch them raw. still in denial i forge ahead. my wounds will heal in time. the vapours those of my warm breath reminds me of my frail humanity and of those around me.

Allah renew my life, mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually :)

stay sane,
amyemeelea

waiting game still...

alhamdullilah....pintu rezeki selalu terbuka hanya kita sahaja yang tidak mahu mencari kuncinya *termasokgua*

more updates on the job hunt but be prepared for some laughs in between. jangan anjat sua! :)

stay sane,
amyemeelea

sniff...

i found my way to the teevee ad website, life before death when i looked through the pages of the papers today. now i know, he doesn't blink because he has lost most of his sight to the cancer and insyaallah...the stories of human resilience hopefully might bring forth a more open and compassionate society.

*sniff*

called to reconfirm my interview but was told instead that she sent me an email to inform that they have found someone to fill the position. thank god i called cos i didn't receive no email and it would have been a wasted trip and i might just have to break my fast cos of unmentionables *hehe* so i ran through the classifieds again and printed out pages for shikino from a reference website. i should finish painting the iron wrought gate already! but it will have to wait maybe till tomorrow or friday. a bit later i will go for a late evening mass interview at the factory nearby and i hope *pleaseeeeeeee!* to get that night shift job to tide me over. time seem to past by so fast! its already been more than a month of rest :) and i can't bring myself to talk about school. or anything!!! *blankness*

hopes up high to see the 3 terrors this weekend but who knows what tomorrow brings.

stay sane,
amyemeelea

Moods microcosm…

No raya songs! So am switched to 92.4FM. I couldn’t sleep last night so finished the piece for her secrets. read the many intresting tips at Askmen.com and am wondering about that ad on teeve where you see this man, unblinking speaking to camera and telling everyone he has lung cancer. He goes on to say he wants to share his stories on life before death. The screen goes blank and you have a web address. I wrote the address down but I must have gotten it wrong because I was lead to an insurance website >(

I read through my emails and followed up with my calls. Kak tina’s boy got beaten because of a staring incident and I can’t believe how my perspective now has changed when I heard that his girlfriend who was present and who acted as witness for the police didn’t do anything while she was there! She just stood there to watch him being beaten and helped sent him back afterwards. Aper siak!!!!! maner lu nyer kepala otak! But…she is 15 and the reason was “am in state of panic” so I guess its good to know that nothing terribly serious happened to either of them.

The IRAS summons I received for non submission got waived! Yeahooo! I just need to log on to their website and file my taxes *phew* titot called and she’s going to help me hand deliver my resume to her boss’s friend who is need of an admin person because there’s something wrong with their email server. So hope that goes well! *amin!* then a bit later I will need to sexplain to bobby about the electronic filing system that the courts now so favour and see what can be done there. It says here that the Sevice Bereau or the Family Court staff will not be able to help draft or check my documents before I file them. And if the courts finds that they are incorrect, they WILL have to reject them. Part of the filing fees will be refunded if I decide not to re-file and it says here that if I need advice or assistance I should approach a lawyer (costs about 300 bucks or more sey!!!!) or IF I qualify for assitance from the Legal Aid Bereau I can try to contact them. *tariktarikrambut* apsal lar gua takmo jadik lawyer! Doctor! Magistrate!! But slowly and surely I’ll suss out the knots and work the system.

And hello to ole and new acquaintances from multiply!! I created my multiply account so that I can view the pictures and keep in touch with my friends. And recently updated the linky to auto update my blog from blogger ;) cos my dearest friend nanin told me it was the best way to catch up with some of our ole schoolamtes. I also have a frienster account which I am unable to log into till now because I lost my password and the email address I used to retrive is no longer working. And I have a pending request to create a my space account from bestday burstday boy so that we can linky. So to all you peeps who found your way into the Self Center, please remind yourself that this is a personal blog and its contents is all about......

“ME WHO WHAT AND WHY...PRACTICES AND BELIEVES IN SELF-HEALING. LOVES TO READ AND LAUGHS ALOT, MORE OFTEN THAN NOT SAID TO WORSHIP THE DEVIL. ALSO KNOWN TO SPOUT A WHOLE LOTTA CRAP TO FRIEND, FOE OR FUM. CHECK YOURSELF IN AT YOUR OWN RISK YOU WHO WHAT AND WHY....”

or maybe i should really think about using that block option thingyt hey have on these sites?

stay sane and hello!!!! maybe goodbye? ;)
amyemeelea

i wasn't hibernating...and hello IBU barooo!

i had to retype my assignment to bobby's pc and the other half passed his thumbdrive to me so that i'd be able to save my work and avoid mishaps and unhappy crashes. BUT! not only i didn't save a copy to any of my email accounts but i didn't save any into the thumbdrive. to serve me RIGHT, bobby's pc crashed on friday morn! *argggh* he came back but there was nothing he could do to revive the old machine. i could almost kick myself but i didn't. instead i asked if bobby would mind if i transfered my cpu to his room instead. i needed a workstation with a working internet line mah for school and future work :) and alhamdullillah! he said okay.

and aha! the transfer worked but my digivoice line in my room went kaput :( that's a real bummer man cos i really liked having my own phone line but maybe i can tap into bobby's phoneline later and see if that works! yeah!!! >) the weird thing is that when i tried to fix his cpu in my room to revive my digivoice the damn thing worked! so there is still hope yet in retriving my work from there via my swanky thumbdrive and this time i'd be real careful about saving my work. acck! just realised how paranoidly kiasu singaporean i sound :P well, better be safe than sorry.

a new week ahead all lined up for me and really do appreciate the doas all around. another interview on wednesday and hopefully a fixed part time at raffles city to help tide me over. the guys in capitaland heard about my application at the ascott and called me up to offer me the concierge position instantly! i really wished i could say yes but current commitments make it hard for me to accept shift work. priorities babe....its the weekends for the 3 terrors or i'd have to bail. still, phyllis was so nice to offer help and fix a part time schedule for me, so that i could earn the extras while waiting for a positive reply from somewhere out there in big fat rat race land! :P still, no promises are made but i'm keeping my hopes up.

didn't get to see the 3 terrors but no sweat, there will be plenty of time next week and the weeks after that. since i didn't get to spend the first day of eid for two consecutive years already, i really hope THIS year it will be different. it really looks like i have to get a court order to make it happen but i think it is necessary that they are made aware that I as STILL the BIRTHMOTHER to the 3 TERRORS have ALL THE RIGHTS in the world to want to spend MORE time with my children.

so terror 1 >) i understand that you want to follow your papa and ibu *new* on the 1st and 2nd day of eid. i am really sorry if my insistance that you follow MY ORDERS and request this time hurts you in anyway at all. BUT i hope you understand that I HAVE to do this not because i do not respect your wants, but because there are many lessons for all of us *andiMEANALLofusinvolved* to LEARN. you have to learn that i will always love you, and love will sometimes manifest itself as a selfish ogre! it is my duty to teach and help you understand to recognize that ogre. don't worry it is not an evil-i-will-destroy-eat-you-up ogre but more like SHREK the ogre *hehehehe* i just promise you won't regret spending the holidays with me. i can't promise you the new clothes, the buy-you-everything-you-want that papa & ibu *ahems* promised you. BUT! i can promise you i will never ever TRY TO BUY your love, because i know how expensive your love is and i so i will not insult ANY OF YOU by even trying >D

stay sane,
amyemeelea a.k.a mama lama who still retains all her birthrights over the 3 terrors *kapish?!*

and so the email read...

in anticipation and trying to ignore the sense of urgency of it all i received this reply from the logistics company.


From : Ismalyia Ismail
Reply-To :
Sent : Thursday, October 5, 2006 6:46 AM
To : "Emeelea Sani"
CC : "Lim Ai Ling" , "Sherry Lim"
Subject : RE: Logistics Clerk Offer

Hi Emeelea,

We regret to inform you that we can only give rate lower than your expected
range of rate. We cannot offer you as the position but we thank you for your effort.

Thank you.
Yours sincerely,
XXXXXX Singapore

i felt sad and a teeny tad disapointed but i read and read and re-read the above reply and it put a smile on my face. i'm now sniggering and i know if i were to read the above again, i'd probably burst out laughing! no offence to the person who wrote the above reply. she probably was told by her superiors exactly the above to use as reply :P

He knows best of course and if my rezeki is not there then it must be awaiting for me somewhere else better and more fufilling, Insyaallah.

stay sane,
amyemeelea

its official..

that i am flat downright broke dardey!!! i just came back from another interview, a second one for a temp position for the Ascott Group. this time for another department because somehow they froze the other one i applied for or that could well have been an excuse :P but i couldn't miss another chance and go get a glimpse of the fantastic view that thier office have in Temasek Towers...and of course another shot of trying to get a job.

so...i came back to an empty house, bobby and shikino are both merrily busy at work still and tried to sit down to unclutter my vibes. which means sorting my room, my emails, the bits and pieces around the house and in concurrent my thoughts. i changed, switched on the pc and prayed that the cable and broadband is still working and ta-daaa!!!!! both died *blueeek* i didn't even get to transfer my files to yahoo briefcase and now have to retype everything, that! or borrow shikino's thumbdrive and clumsily *avoidgettingelectrocuted* try to transfer the files manually..ya da da yaa yaaa daaaa.... *urgh!!*

oh so sad no more cable but this means more work on school gets done and more reading. as if i don't have enough already!!! but i'm a happy camper in my own dialectic world. even not having money doesn't bother me as much as before.. YET :)

stay sane not broke,
amyemeelea

lampu lap lip...

my bro called just in time and i was whisked away in his new car. next destination is to break our fast with his in laws. as a nice gesture to include me in their plans, the dad asked if i knew of places to suggest so i suggested mak's place at near jalan masjid. it was weird but i tried not to feel out of place. i just wanted everyone to be happy and i have always wanted to feel what bobby felt when he speaks nothing but fantastic things about his family. it was part validation for me and a chance to peek into his world in hopes to find keys to his happiness that i could replicate.

and he has a wonderful family. his father in law gives him directions. his mom in law is adamant that he's the handsomest guy on earth *hehehe* and his bro in law dotes on him and knows all his favourites. the guy bought him a belt with a thundercats buckle for god's sake! :) he has a loving caring wifey who shares all his concerns and ends up buying him a car so that he doesn't have to face the dangers of being on the road on a bike. and he can't do any wrong being around kids as testified by mine truly.

so i am happy he is very happy with his family. doing all the things we missed in the past having a set of parents to dote on and be doted on. being wanted and loved and respected all in one. when before maybe its just assumptions and guessing games, now being able to be privy and feel what it is like to be part of his family, i am grateful my bro ended up with all of the above and wish him all the luck and sucess of the good that has come his way. must remind to keep my mouth shut though as i don't want your mum in law to puke right after we finish dinner and go with the flow. best is to refrain from making such suggestions as i do not know them well yet still thank both of you for making the space to squeeze me in. who doesn't want to be such happy campers :D

well, that is out of my head. now i'm watching another repeat of singapore idols finals. i forgot how i really liked some of the contestants this year and seeing ms emily the getai singer made me shout out loud! *haha!* rahimah the rock chick still has her halo of intensity warpped about her. and yeah..my bibir sek jon leong did not win but my guess is that he'd do pretty good after the show. what do i think about hady winning? he deserves it nuff said but i still can't place him in a genre of with a cretain style. or maybe that's why he won! fresh, kewt *cutelar* and versatile could maybe be his trademark or his X factor. so all the best anak melayooOoooo, make singapore proud babe and can you please quit popping up in my dreams? its getting a lil bit creepy up there *muahahah*

my gawd!!! its rahimah rahim senior dah!!! otey...gua tahu gua lambat banyak tapak ah for not catching the show much earlier :P so over and out till i blog again.

stay sane and rock on,
amyemeelea

keinginan...

kau seorang lelaki berjiwa baqa yang mampu mengalirkan airmata untuk ingatan. kau idola pujaan kerana seorang lelaki yang sedia menerima segala teguran. kau aku puja kujunjung setinggi langit kerana kau lelaki yang memberi madu, setelah menerima racun. kau biar kubelai hilang amarah selalu kerana kau lelaki tenang dan lapang dada. kau tak putus aku kucup manja kerana kau seorang lelaki yang baik sangka. kau akan terus tersemat dalam sanubari sebagai bidadara kerana kau lelaki yang tak pernah putus asa........

segalanya menjadi satu lembar keinginan menyatu jati di ruang tabir hidupku......

aku akan kehilangan kau tapi aku ingin menjadi seorang perempuan yang tahan menerima sebuah kehilangan. aku akan rasa sangat papa dan tandus tanpa kau tapi aku ingin jadi perempuan yang tidak takut pada kemiskinan. aku akan jering perih memulas kesakitan tanpa kau tapi aku ingin jadi seorang perempuan yang tabah menangung kerinduan setelah ditinggalkan. aku merasa terdampar hampa kerana tiada tempat mengadu tapi aku ingin jadi seorang perempuan yang tidak meminta-minta agar di penuhi segala keinginan.......

as it always happens, the inspiration came amidst the chatter and stories of love and friendship among a bunch of very *anggukangguk* nice and chummy people i met today for powwster's surprise *whichwasnotreallyonehehe* burstday party.
there was mar and hubby, poww and prince harry, sham and the boys and last but not least neneng!!! :) pokok kata there was love all around. stories about frustation hubby didn't want to hear about work vents *lol* a pledge from a sweet child who didn't want to marry to take care of mama dearest :) the lost stories of yesteryear about trips to the clinic :D quiet yearnings of lost time whispered hushes of apologies and tiny vibrations of divine inspiration keeping itself underwraps just so that it will soon birth nothing short of miracles! *phew*

all in all...my heart goes to my collective muses for tonight. till we meet again again and again.....

stay sane,
amyemeelea

fear...

have you ever ran the race of your life and came out at best top 3; when you stand at the finish line only to be told that you didn't't win the medal because you didn't register to participate in the race in the first place? then they add the clause, immediate disqualification for not wanting to register in the first place because the rules were that you must have had a sex operation to be eligible to participate. another clause below also needed you to be 3 legged or something like that :p

so my guess is that stuff like that happens in muay thai boxing and in thailand. where dreams do come true and you get to do your sex change operation because you won the money in the local muay thai boxing championship. of course you couldn't tell the organizers why you wanted to win so bad and yes, you had hell to pay. no make up, no nail polish, no lipstick!!! *LOLOL* BUT later you get to tell the whole world about how you came to be the woman you are and the hardest thing you had to do was to break your opponent's nose *andprefablyotherbodyparts* when all you can think of was HOW NOT TO because it so happens that your opponent is this chiselled faced man with a tight butt.

i laughed when i read the news but cried when i saw the movie.

have you ever feared for your life for somethings you need to come to a decision to? but you set aside the fear and get to a decision. then just when you thought you had it all planned out and kaboom! it hit you that making generalised pledges and promises does naught. and i just made this or so recent discovery when i was told i haven't been planning my life as i should. intentions are just not considered as good plans. so what good is promising to love another forever?! how do you plan to do it? your intention is good but i need details. how? when? define forever and love in the context of what you have just promised me *gagforcevomit* and when asked to go into details i usually try my very best to SEXPLAIN hence always putting both feet into mouth. worst case scenarios, feet into other orfices *hehehe*

but!!! the night is still not lost to my ramblings and hope you guys will make full use of the nights after :)

stay sane,
amyemeelea

Ramadhan...

i'm off to see the kids later and will be cracking my brains about how to entertain the 3 terrors without tiring myself out. terror 1 will be joining us the adults in training for ramadhan and i hope she will be able to take it. then, next week production will start and i'll be busy in the office. nights will be spent hopefully with terawih sessions and also finishing up my assigment due for 3rd of october. i just hope i won't miss anygoals or datelines. so far so good and i'm slowly picking up pace and space. will be on standby 24hours by the looks of it as i just want the delivery schedule to run smooth.

met up with faizal and imran last friday and as usual the guys crack me up. so good to see both doing so well and i can't wait for them to pass me the copy of the kl trip we took last year. haha! and that i know would be fun. imran bought a new honda *thebasket* and again had me think about his offer to work in his company. well, i hope i can see and make best out of the opporturnities given :p heavy duty convos man! but haven't had the time to really sit down to blog about it. there's more cos before that met up with zuq mermaid and had a blast watching jatt ali perform live! and i hope you'll get better babe ;) so before terror 1 starts calling me nons top i better make a run for it!

need to go now and will update soon and oh! selamat menjalankan ibadah pusasa sumer :)

stay sane,
amyemeelea

Loading freeloaders….

Tired, lonely nights bite into my body warmth and leave sharp icicles of needy wants embedded tight under my skin, they of which prick me black and blue. Although this makes me rub my hands in purposeful glee, so here I am updating my blog :P

Its been drizzling all day and I left the house in mid afternoon to see a friend who was willing to give me a job. Yes! A job! Albeit it would be, one that has no benefits whatsoever and pays only per project basis. The best jobs I have had in the past have always been recommendations from friends and ex colleagues who have an inkling of what I am worth so I have always expected them to be fair. So far, my experiences working in such given situations and arrangements have been great. Yes, the pay is not much. The stability incongruent only because these are usually family owned or self started businesses. I am not one who demands much, only enough to cover my overhead, pay the bills and usually never in full. The end bits here and there are for treats, usually reserved for my kids. I have not been shopping, eating out, watch movies or even had the budget to offer friends who I really care about a good time. So why I am seriously considering the offer then right? I actually already said yes because the way I see it, I’d rather be doing something new for minimum wage, also learn new skills and make new meaningful relationships in the process than earning more per hour working as a factory worker.

Someone told me I should just stamp the letters FOC in bold across my forehead. I laugh it off, of course as usual. Labels mean nothing to me and I’m in the midst of starting a personal collection anyway :p bobby chided me once that I should stop being a freeloader and that he has friends just like me, who tend to keep asking things for free or won’t do anything for free. The difference is that *ahems* with me is probably and usually because I’m NOT shy about saying yes to things given away FOR free or for a reasonable fee. Or maybe the repayment terms are right *usuallylong* and I won’t hesitate to say yes if I feel and know that I’d be good for repayment pronto in one way or another. one good turn deserves another! share and share alike! You scratch my back and I will gladly scratch yours! I could tell a good joke, bore you to tears, walk from outram mrt to city hall! You name it and I will do it for you if I you think I am worth the moolah and the time.

Therefore, the part that I am not going to be able to give as much as I want to give monetarily to the some of the most important people in my life made me think even harder. the guilt persists and the thought, if whether my selfish reasons for working on minimum wage is a good choice is bugging the hell out of me right now. This is because I’ve been on the receiving end for so long and it hurts to know that I’m not going to be able to give back in due time. Arghh! The agony…..

stay sane,
amyemeelea

ps: kalau ada apa-apa yang free, takmo malu tepon gua jer. freetime pong free jugak!

some things are not meant to be...

the week passed and as usual, the troughs of ups and downs this week bordered on both extremes. i think i am getting the hang of it. trying to let go the euphoria and fear that comes tagging along with every wave was fairly easy. i just had to make sure i rode firmly and easy and not get overboard. i went to more interviews and sucess came very close. so wish me luck again today :)

i met up with family over the weekend and that cheered me up tremendously. i was initially afraid that i'd be too happy since it was a sombre affair. bobby said i shouldn't feel that way since my family knows me very well and won't hold it up against me. my cousin just lost his wife to cancer but i'm glad to say he's one tough guy. we are one strong, very tight bunch so promises were made to meet up often. i also had lunches with my friends and caught up with thier busy lives. listened patiently to ex colleagues rant about work and patiently sieved through the nitty gritties of my daily life with as much patience i can muster in a single breath. all perfectionists are huge procastinators hehe so we put off to do the work needed just because we are afraid doing a lousy job on it :P *adejerreason*

i couldn't meet up with poww cos there was a slight change in plans but i'm really looking forward to see her when she gets back from new york *waves* wish i could have made it still but duty calls ;) just spoke to sham over the phone about the importance of having good self esteem. i know its hard to keep up when we fell so drabby and so unglam from taking up the responsibilties and thinking about the sacrifices we have made. but!! we have to remind ourselves that love does not judge. its more helpful to bring the insecurities into pure natural light and love all the flaws you see. neon flourescent light is never flattering ah! so jangan tka jadik ah kita nyer next date!!! *woooohooo!*

am i an extrovert or introvert?? that was the question that was posed to me over lunch the other day. i think i am an extrovert but i enjoy my bouts of solitude extremely which makes me an introvert? well, that was the opinion of ms noorticataitai anyway :P so ho hum...la di daaa..

stay sane,
amyemeelea

This is before I go…

Finally the call came for me to pick up my cheque!! But immediately after I plagued by daymares. The thought of trying to do everything at once and the thought of having to think of where the next pay cheque comes. Everytime I see someone, the first thing they ask is whether I have gotten a job *sheesh* and then I stutter before affirming their heartfelt, practical question. I went back to sleep in hopes that I could really enjoy the feeling of lying in bed and drowning whatever sleepiness from before. I wanted to just drown in the smells of my bed. I just wanted to block the incessant cries of get up and do something…I just wanted to enjoy being in bed.

I know I won’t be able to do this when I finally start work. It is something that I really look forward too. it is something that I hope will drown the howling cries of responsibilities I need to fulfill. As my being is being pulled in different directions I try to focus on only one. Which is to fill my self with gratitude. No matter how small no matter how big it might shine at me, I wouldn’t give anything up to truly be in the NOW. full stop. end guilt *muehehehe*

So, off I go to collect and my dues and run some errands. In hopes that the wind blows at me gently to bring me close to all that I hold dear. Every step I take will be in prayer that I will be able to experience life as it is. no more no less. I wonder what today brings! But I know that whatever comes I’ll be ready, no more stuttering, no more sheepish smiles, no more blushing cheeks and no more halted steps!

Onward walk, march then to run. To grab the moment as it comes.

"I think the reason we don't organise society in that way can be summed up in the aphorism, 'idle hands are the devil's tool'. In other words, institutions fear idle populations because an Idler is a thinker and thinkers are not welcome addition to most social situations. Thinkers become malcontents, that's almost a substitute word for idle, 'malcontent'. Essentially we are all kept very busy...under no circumstances are you to quietly inspect the contents of your own mind. Freud called introspection 'morbid' - unhealthy, introverted, anti-social, possibley neurotic, potentially pathological." - Terence Mckenna

Yahoo! Yeabedabedooo!!! The rain has stopped and away the fleeting memories of my daymares :) floating away above the winds, that still reminds me! Gua bau busyuk ah…belum mandi hehehehehehe……yea yea…anak dara femalas! Matahari da naik dinihari baru nak bangun :p *oops* otey so I’m not the anak dara ah! >)

Stay sane,
amyemeelea

Much ado about many things…

Like I take the time to title every blog entry or take 2mins tops to think of a title and go go go!! so forgive me if at times u feel cheated when the title and content don't quite sit very well.

Another well spent weekend I must say, but too bad no pictures were taken because I didn’t put top priority to buying baterries for the camera. The reserves where needed elsewhere ;) so! It was a fun weekend for the 3 terrors, they made new friends and as expected, they were spotted to be super active. just look at the pic (courtesy of powwsters!) not one of the 3 terrors looked at the camera ler. and needless to say, running around trying to entertain 4 boys and 4 girls all below 12 years was one cool trip. i got the help of powwsters and the che sham and all was well until after the short break and terror 1 complained we didn't get to finish touring the centre. Terror 2 and 3 kinda spoiled the plan after getting thoroughly wet!! Will get the other 2 ala makciks*hehehe* to pass some more of the fotos they took. We went from one exhibit to another and zipped all around in and out of the science centre to explore the over 6000 or was it 600 exhibits? We saw a live iguana or some huge lizard (it was confiscated from some home) in the ecogarden and I wondered why it wasn’t sent to the zoo if it was an endangered species or something. And I didn’t know the tortoise we found the other day was an endangered species too! I convinced kak guy to let it go when they complained it was a smelly thing and kak tina thought it brought bad luck to the household. Skalik it was an ‘indian star’ tortoise dar…*tsk* knew there was something special with that one. But I guess, it wasn’t meant to be part of the household when it could have brought us trouble with the law. Can you imagine telling them we ‘accidentally’ found the tortoise! Sure tak percaya one. After a very tiring day, the kids slept like logs till 11am the next day :) but i'm glad they really enjoyed the outing. much heartfelt thanks to the 2 ala makciks and family that made it happen! and on Sunday we went swimming! We made another set of friends that day too and my short swimming lesson teaching terror no. 1 got curious stares from other parents. I told her that if she wants me to teach then she won’t be able to play-play and she has to think of me as her coach rather than mum. She spotted the difference and actually surprised me when she managed to actually listen and duly comply to my instructions. Then as a reward we all went to the baby pool to play catch. Terror 2 and 3 were not at all intrested to be bossed around so they stayed away, until after we all got to chill at the baby pool and happily splashed around. One parent asked if I taught swimming lessons to kids and funny I actually did think of it this week *hohum*

A call to ask if my cheque was ready for collection proved to be a bummer. I asked someone out on a date today that I thought would be pretty cool. There’s this free screening of short local films at the substation on every 1st Tuesday of every month!! Then later we could go lepak and talk about the films and who knows learn something more about him. Pendek kata! *shortsay*I think I scared him off for being to arty farty tak? I have no idea siak! So instead, will go to jaybee with the fab che shasha and hubby at 9pm :p and the search for my purusha will go on!

stay sane,
amyemeelea

obat oh obat...

Hands up how many of you are still boggled by fact that reason why singapore needs to import foreign talent is to make up for the shortage of babies in singapore? Well…today is the errmmm 3rd day that I am officially jobless. So I had time to kinda race through the blogospehre for some comments on the most recent National Day Rally Speech. I missed out on the celebrations because I was unusually distracted *lameexcuse* current clique can’t be bothered to pick through the lines with me so thank god for the internet! *clapclapclapsukasorang* So anyway, this is another worrying trend that so telling of our singaporeaness *iftherissuchathing* which is to correlate a to b when they have no CORRELATION whatsoever!!!! This reminds me to please remind myself to pay more attention to social psychology classes in time to come.

It is raining and my plans to go out cycling today had to be cancelled. The best thing is, bobby just asked me out for dinner! Cos shikino the wifey has this bollywood themed school graduation thingy at the Traders Hotel to attend. I’m just happy because its been ages since we last went out just the two of us. I’m just a sappy sentimental okay, no have nothing against my sis in law!!! Swear!! *eheeheehe* the crick in my neck is almost gone *yeahooo!* and all thanks to powwsters who called me immediately after my last post for some good ole loving medicine. She forced me out of the house when all I wanted to do; was to do my clearence at Crown so that they will prepare my cheque quick! And then back home to mope and sleep off the pain in my neck. In the end, I didn’t do my clearence on that day but spent the whole day yapping and shopping and overdosed on salmon. The fever broke midway when we were at bugis and the crick in my neck non existant while we chomped away happily at ikoi restaurant. Having the super busy che nyce around was a bonus!!! She was supposed to be late because she had this super important meeting with the ceo of hpl resorts or something but in the end we were the ones late for dinner hehe…sowi nyce, traffic was really a killer. After dinner we went to look for a book that nyce had to have for work. Congrats on the promotion! Saaaap!!! Member da jadik project manager, bley mintak belanja lebeih *hikhikhik* and the best of the best of the best thing that could have happened that day, was I fell in love with a pair of shoes and powwsters ended up buying the two pairs for me! *sobsob* I better stop the drama before she takes the two pairs and throw it at my face :P I would have put pics of the shoes but the batteries on the camera just went dead *dehem!* The day ended with a trip to shams place to lepak before we both shared a cab home. She has 3! Very adorable boys and a very cosy place but powwsters kinda tripped me abit went while we were in the cab, on the way to telok blangah, the only way she could direct the taxi driver was to describe it as "alrr…you know the place where that girl was killed, whats her name? Neh nak? Mah nak?" I went like?! “oinks! Buat seram jer lah…da lar melam buter nie” hehehehe…so in the end we did find her place but we couldn’t hang to long because powwsters had an early morning and I had a curfew! I think sham would kill me if I put up her pic here though but yes! It was a super duper day!

I finally did my clearence the next day and then went to have dinner with *ahems* over at our fave yong tau foo place. And to him I would like to say, “Accept whatever comes to you woven in the patterns of your destiny, for what could more aptly fit your needs?” and that’s me pretending to be Marcus Aurelius :P besok besok besok! I will try my best NOT to sms india at 90 cents per sms and pleaseeeeeeeeee!!! let me be the one to ACE that job interview and get the job on the spot to boot! >P

Stay sane,
amyemeelea

crick in my neck...

i am suffering the worst crick in my neck evar! and i only have myself to blame. the long awaited email tak sampai but i guess that just means somethings are not meant to be. my sweet bro just called to remind me of the week ahead and very nice enough to tell me about a job opening in town. but how am i going to get out of the house when my neck hurts sooooooo bad! i'm so grouchy you won't believe.

so later i need to drop by kak tina's to pick up my badge then i need to do my clearence at crown so that i can get my pay. hopefully in time to pay for my bills. i think its best i get off my butt to do something and work up a sweat because i lied down for two whole days but its not getting better. i never believed in painkillers but i think i'm going to down a few panadols to help me today. my neck feels like its so sore! how to go for interviews sey :(

i can't even carry the weight of my head *dehem* so if i'm down and out please forgive me. i'm that bad when i'm sick.

apologies to nis for missing womad. i promise to make it to the next party :) and to powwsters, hope the celebration went great! now i feel like puking my guts out...

stay sane,
amyemeelea

best!!!

bobby was nice enough to lend me his bike he got for his birthday this year and i had really wanted to find something sporty to do hence it was cycling!!! knowing how rough i could be, he risked lending me his bike and even woke me up early on sunday. or! maybe he just didn't want me to tag along to his weekend sports sunday with his friends *hehe* but really that is how very supportive my bro is :) i had asked tash along but she forgot it was her maid's weekend off so after a lazy sunday morning sleeping in slightly late i set off to cycle all the way to Singapore Sports School and back...alone.

it's been probably years since i have been on a bicycle and i didn't really trust myself and was quite afraid but the need was a tad too strong, so cycle i did! it was great! tough the first few minutes because i had to figure the gears and find my own rythm and when i did it was exhilarating. i plugged in to class 95 and found myself singing and enjoying the hot sun. i didn't notice that the tyres were bit flat till after i reached the school and headed back to find the 'petrol place behind admiralty mrt' to pump the tyres and *hehe* but mana ada petrol station dar! turns out it was small bicyle shop bobby told me hunt for. so i put on my i-know-how-to-do-this stance and pumped away till i realised that the back tyres just wouldn't inflate. panicked for abit and called my bro and said , "eh! i busted your the rear tyre ah! how much to change ah?" to which he replied, "do you know how to pump or not?!" *siaked* " of course ah! kau ingat aku bodo ker?" :P so in the end i just got the guy to change it and paid 6 bucks for it. the ride back was even better! so i continued and rode further up till i felt really sweaty and rode back.

my legs cramped a bit but it was worth it ah :D and i swore i would make it a more regular thing. for the weekends when the 3 terrors are not with me at least. hopefully it could help me keep off the smokes but i wouldn't really bet on it *muahahah* i chilled under the block and rewarded myself with a cold drink afterwards and felt really happy because i did it!! *proudofmeself* the bike is still in the hallway and i can't wait to go again. will ask bobby to teach me to stash it away properly so that i don't have to bother him next time round.

i also went for a movie. two in fact last week and saw pirates of the carribean at the new cathay and it was good. earlier saw hard candy but it gave me a headache. very intense arr that movie but it was nice. have much reading to do and am looking forward to see kids tomorrow. work slides in easy at least these past few days, counting down to my last day and having many thoughts about what to do next. am really glad that i don't have to put up with the constipated enviroment :P still...i do hope i can find something part time to tide over the overhead. mummy dearest called to set a date and bring me out makan and celebrate my last day!! and nyce called just now to date me out for womad next weekend!!! *woohoo!!* i hope to meet up with sham and powwsters soon and well....till the next cross in the road ;)

stay sane and have a great weekend ahead! *breathless*
amyemeelea

A-muse...bukan a moose

dan tidak jugak a mouse!

i didn't want to leave this under comments where it might just go unnoticed so......i present to you!!!!

lembar malam *jengjengjeng*

Dalam setiap kata yang kau ucap
Bila malam telah datang
Terkadang ingin ku tulis semua perasaan

Kata orang rindu itu indah
Namun bagiku ini menyiksa
Sejenak ku fikirkan untuk ku benci saja dirimu
Namun sulit ku membenci

Pejamkan mata bila kuingin bernafas lega
Dalam anganku aku berada disatu persimpangan jalan yang sulit kupilih

Ku peluk semua indah hidupku
Hikmah yang ku rasa sangat tulus
Ada dan tiada cinta bagiku tak mengapa namun ada yang hilang separuh diriku

to the author *ahems* there will always be moments like this to savour, especially when one is to become so absorbed in thought. and, it only escalates when it tosses and turns something over and over in the mind meditatively and often inconclusively.

i heart you,
amyemeelea

another night..

a kong san is staying wif me tonight. and we just got back from jaybee. sumbat 3 kotak siot!!!! *heppigiler* then got to mamam mee hailam and again i didn't bring camera with me so didn't get to take pics. i need to get the camera bug to bite me so i'd be a camera whore! we didn't notice this dead rat beside us till after badok time and we had to call the ambulance *reddustpan* to bring the dead body to the mortuary. shasha was afraid that some passerby would like step on it and its insides would spray unto me *bleargh* but thank god nothing of the sort happened :P found out a kong san is scared of cats! aper sey...tucing tak berdosa.

anyway, a kong san da pengsan on the bed and i'm hoping that i'd be given another chance to wakey wakey during the early morning showers *hopes* later.

stay sane,
amyemeelea

finally did it..

i made myself happy and many others very very unhappy with my choices. i self preserved my own interests at the expense of the tons of advice those closest to me. so many bridges i burned but the ones linked with my own sweat and blood are the hardest to burn.

i just had another blow up with the golden boy. and its these that i hate most. i know he has only my interests at heart, it just shows he cares. they wake me up every morning to make sure i'm not late for work. give me the support when i ask for. be it standing up for me. putting a good word for me. lying for me hehe. making sure there's food. entertainment. someone to talk to. my bro is all that for me and more. i used to write for him. he still asks me for advice about gift ideas. we still have our private jokes. but ever since moving in, it has been nothing but squabbles after squabbles. something is not right and it was said outright it was the choices i made for myself. i never took his advice when it mattered and he's hurt :(

i can't take back anything that i did or said bobby. i can't keep on lying to myself anymore than i can lie to anybody about how i really feel. i know i can't expect everyone to agree or to understand or to ACCEPT the choices i make. but i do. thats me. if you wonder why i dig my own grave and you wonder how the hell we came from the same womb then don't! just don't! don't wonder and live! tonight is not going to be any different from any other just because we had this fight. in fact i welcome it. in hopes that we could learn where the mistakes are and how i could learn to show you more.

i didn't know i hurt you, and i may have taken you for granted. we have only each other and you'll be the only one i'll let to give me away *again* :P kalau dulu kita gado pasal tengok wrestling nie kita gado pasal kakak degil. tapi kita gao-gado pon pasal adek beradek kan kan kan? tiga hari tak bebual dosa tau! *hugs*

wish me well...cos that's all i need for you to do.

stay sane,
kakak

Dear John....

"I can hear you snore so softly and how each of your breath closes around my heart.
The softness of sleep about your face while you sleep tugs at the very sleeves of my everyday thoughts.As the night fades on to bring light I stare at awe the peace that surrounds the lines about your face.And I thank Him for the love you bring everytime your lids flutter to greet me with a small smile, soft in my hopes of drunken thankfulness.

Another day closes by and the wakefulness of yesterday escapes me. I wish for tonight to bring my hopes and my dreams close to me. Through beautiful moving pictures that only say I miss you, I want to held closely dear to you. Still I know the distance between us makes it yet far more unattainable. As the line goes, absence makes the heart grow fonder yet your scent never leaves. Heart wrenching silence fills the void as I mutter your name with each breath. The sweetness of longing calls you closer to me. I feel nothing but pain, and suffer must we swallow, its bitterness a wealthful of experience; will teach me and you humility and sincerity. All at once, memories of the weight of each touch melts away these walls of anger and lies to give way to the unbearable sweetness of treasured value of which you mean to me.

Even if, we will have to go over days of unbearable solitude, even till the long stretches of the night fades and the harshness of light brings trickle of sweat at our brows, I will always still hear you beating softly in my heart of hearts. It will go on as this long search of our purusha brings us to the end of eternity. I promise as light peeks over the end, you’ll see me with my heart wide open. At ready to welcome you as we renew our promises of just yesterday to be and just be always as One."


jeng jeng jeng...suspen bukan suspender :P dun worry gua maseh jugak GUA. cuma tinggal jiwangs gua jer yang ter ter ter keluar! nie sumer pasal citer 'All about love ' yang che poww pinjam gua *sigh* oh! mamat che demi moore sungguh kiut walaupong pantat dier leper *hehe* tapi sungguh takbley carry amanda peet sweet kelakar giler langgar cermin! *terkencitcikitketawa*

stay sane,
amyemeelea

it matters..

"It is not by 'thinking out' the entire reality, but by a change of conciousness that one can pass from ignorance to the Knowledge - the Knowledge by which we become what we know. To pass from the external to a direct and intimate inner conciousness; to widen conciousness out of the limits of the ego and the body; to heighten it by an inner will and aspiration and opening to the Light till it passes in its ascent beyond Mind; to bring down a descent to the supramental Divine through self-giving and surrender with a consequent transformation of mind, life and body - this is the integral way to the Truth." - Sri Aubindo

i realised today that i slept the whole day through. plagued by incessant voices and dreams of those closest to me. at many times i didn't want to wake up. i didn't want them to end and hence lost was reality to me till i forced myself up to actually do some work. physical work. it is not enough to be able to change or decide the course of things in one's mind but rather its futher application of one's hopes and dreams to extend to our waking moments. the feelings of hopelessness i didn't want to bring back from my recent plays of mind but it is the desire to work things out and have better control of myself during those nightmarish moments. i had wanted to feel in control but yet it slips past me just like water through my fingers. still....the tightening coil of being in control held me together as i try to keep those self destructive feelings of anger and betrayal away. and then it struck me! the impossibilty of being and its endless riddles fall away as i understood what i have to do. which is to simply BE.

no i didn't dream of being in macritchie! but my pillar of strength who is right now probably already in japan should be smiling. knowing that i kept that small piece of memory etched in my mind. i hope you are reading this!

it was a hot morning, we got turned away from slf building because i didn't have my documents with me. she was with me a new stranger who became privy to my innermost thoughts and turmoil. she took me away to sanctuary with a simple question of where is the one place i had my happier moments and soon found ourselves in macritchie reservoir. on top of a small hill over drinks we sat down and evaluted our lives. shared drinks and amidst ciggerate smoke in a seemingly serene and peaceful setting we made decisions. decisions that will change our course of lives forever. sacrifices were inevitable but the strength and free will to surrender and act to better our situations grew in abundance! i will never forget that day :) as i will never forget how you turned from a beautiful stranger to a pillar of strength and into someone who touched my being with small very meaningful gestures.

it will be worth the wait our next fondue session! and in the meantime i have to concentrate on being punctual for work *hehehehe* and of course my schoolwork. i'd be starting my specialist diploma in applied psychology next term!!! but gosh!!! there's still so much to do :P resign! resign! resign! have coffee and watch other people rush to work, that is one that i am dying to try but i'm still happy at work though sometimes just sometimes i just wished i was doing something that i really wished for :P

stay sane,
amyemeelea

stuff that makes me goo mmMmmmm...

after so many depressing *ithink* posts i said to myself i must blog about all the things that make me happy....just to remind myself that i am not a sorry sad depressing piece of crap :)

1. telling the 3 terrors my impromtu made up stories
2. a long walk to nowhere
3. being able to watch the sunrise and set
4. talking about books
5. discussing current affairs with much participation from those around me
6. kittens or cats or furry animals
7. i simply love reading and it could be anything
8. eating *nuffsaid*
9. sharing funny jokes
10. bringing out my inner minah :P
11. making another person smile
12. a good looooOooooooooong massage
13. my hypnotheraphy classes
14. watching scary movies
15. a mani and pedi :D
16. shopping!
17. watching the tide
18. a long swim
19. i love to paint or do arts and crafts
20. write in my journal, a piece of a paper...anything
21. lucid dreaming
22. going to the library
23. walking in the rain
24. reaching out and holding hands
25. susan, asni, fusae, imran, ali, don, kecik, bobo, kamil, lala, noor
26. horse riding
27. salty air
29. csi, criminal mind and bitchy reality shows hehe
30. ......

i am also learning new tamil words! so the other day i was telling the other half about this new word and this piece of conversation still makes me giggle...

me: i learnt a new tamil word today!! *sexcited* it is the tamil word for 'chicken'

other : hmmmmm

me: yeap its 'koli'....koli is chicken in tamil

other: okay

me: then i asked sumi what was 'ayam belanda' or turkey called in tamil? she said its 'vann koli' *saiditwithbestindianaccent*

other: hehe *smilesthenlaughs*

me: whats so funny? *totitwasmyindianaccent*

other: pasal ayam tue dari negri belanda ehk?? abeh ada van damme, van diesel..err most peeps from holland have names with 'van' in front per :P so 'vann ayam'...'vann koli'????

me: muahahahahahah!

okay lar..i suck at blogging about the ayam joke :D still its really funny lar or it's just me being biased cos the other half is err...the other half! :P

stay sane,
amyemeelea...

The fever breaks....

Here I am sitting down in front of the pc and thinking about finishing my assignments but my head is swimming with more buzz about day-to-day stuff. Have I drawn up my bill payments for this month? What are my main objectives at work and how I can improve on speeding up input processes without getting dragged down office politics and of course…I feel so tired I can sleep for another 24 hours tops. My body aches and there’s only so much I can look forward to. Errrmmm….like meeting the kids over the weekend and and and….tough…tough..tough when I try to think about looking forward to things this week.

The senses of achievements are lost in my mundane droning way of looking into the future. The weather has been horrid and it’s been days since I have felt ‘good’. I hate feeling blue and nothing works or perks me up like a lil pat over the shoulder. poww called the other day and our conversation toughened up every resolved cell in my body to put in a 100% into my commitment to make things work. Sorry if I didn’t call you back powwsters….please do accept my sincerest apologies. When everything was let out, blissful sleep overtook and there goes the hours lost in soothing dreams. So thank you for bringing on the sense of needed relief :) you are a true friend *sobslikeafiveyearold *

So getting down to business, to only speak when spoken to. Do you think that such a stand will be able to support the idea of effective communication? How would you know what the person likes? Dislikes and ultimately his or her dreams and ideals? I was thrown the idea when it was noted and proved that such a stand works if you want to get to know a person and never forget how he or she is like. Say you want to know if she likes ice cream or not…the rules of engaging are when you are in the speak only when spoken to mode is not to ask if the person likes ice cream but to PUT YOURSELF IN THE PERSON’S SHOES, wait for the ideal moment and THEN WORK OUT A NICE NON INTRUDING SITUATION TO TEST THE THEORY. In other words just buy the person ice-cream lar and see whether she likes it or not :P but what if I want to know whether she is a republican or a democrat? Or if she think feminism is an outdated stand? Does she believe in breastfeeding? or if god is one of us?? How?! How?! How?!!! It is believed that all that we stand for and believe in is reflected in the way we say and do things…and I do believe in that but I also believe there are many facets on one’s life that is not so visible hence all at once complicating this get to know each other and everyone process.

The moral of the story is that actions speaks louder than words and the above rote of learning is exactly how you can make your actions count. well, for someone who is so used to ask and be given, this above challenge will be tough for me. Nothing will be asked as the want and need is simple, the other party wants to feel loved unconditionally. I’d have to make sure I don’t fall back into my old pattern of thinking and doing things. Wish me luck!!

Stay sane,
amyemeelea

entrapment to me..

besides being always asked if either i am male or female and not being able to answer at all, this other thing keeps bugging me. as with the most recent case of that trainee doctor being caught for commiting unlawful sex and doing drugs specifically pointed out *sorely*

so is entrapment morally okay or there's something seriously flawed with the concept. 2 guys i spoke with said its wrong because 'anybody' would be tempted so you shouldn't go around tempting people. my sis says its okay cos how then would be be able to weed out the bad. for those who answered "it depends on the situation" you are a spineless piece of meat and i hope your brain not rot due to the exhaustive analytical logical rational approach you always have to use when faced with any situation.

i mean you wouldn't go create situation out of the blue right?? same with you won't pine for somebody who wouldn't even say your name. BUT!! i know of people who would so maybe that doesn't count. what counts is you won't get a clap with just one hand :P at the end of the day, who eats chilli must taste the burning sensation and if you knew better then you would't go itching doing things that you shouldn't.

so i am for the entrapment thingy, but the motive for embarking on such delicate and often involving many loads of shit hitting the fan situations is one that i am not too fond of. for simply the truth does hurt. my personal experience being in either end of such a situation was not easy to swallow. something just blows when you get caught doing something you wouldn't dream of owning up to but it does happens. how many times were you caught looking at other boobies? coming in late for work *imaginesbosslyingatrapformearrrgh!* or having a virginal affair *itjustmeansnopenertration* ehk? ehk? ehk? i mean....woooah!!!! there's gonna be some serious shit if you get to the end of the entrapment thingy.

maybe the reason why some are not okay with it is because the opposite can't hold the same. i mean who would go around fishing for something good? have you ever looked out for the times when you suspect someone doing good and need to prove it so that you could award them????????? is the opposite of entrapment, competition? in a competition at least you know whose who, but in the case of entrapment there's always one party in the dark. like you even know who the judges are going to be! it could be ken lim or florence lian for godsake! :P

anyway...my point is...it doesn't matter whether its a competition or an entrapment, there must be a reason why you created the situtation and if its for the good of mankind and yourself then i applaud you for having the guts to act. someone is trying to commit suicide! call the police! i suspect my boyfriend is not faithful then stake him out! *sniggers* i suspect my employee is commiting criminal breach of trust! hack her private email! and of course don't forget to terminate her services and kill her career. all in all, a situation serves as a guide and in guidance we should be concerned not to be helping individuals to make wise decisions but with helping them to make decisions wisely. so you called the police and she know learns there's nothing to be gained in killing yourself but you'd have to live with her never trusting you no more afraid that if she does call you for emo support you'd just go ahead to call the police and incriminate her. so you finally understand that your boyfriend cheated on you because he doesn't feel loved or wanted hence the need to go fark around *evenwithoutpenertration* and you decided that both of you need to seriously trash things out and this will serve as a good lesson and its happy ever after or not! then you sue your employers for invasion of privacy and hope that the lawsuit will improve your future or NOT....the list goes on and on and on..the possible endings endless.

que sera sera whatever will be will be, the future not ours to see...que sera sera...what will be.....will BE.....if you care enough to shape yours then just do it....

staysane,
amyemeelea