the writing on the wall

i finally know how to hide my wall from others today!

so far i can hide from individual people because i DO NOT want to express my interests and experiences and connect with people who do not like the same things as i do.

and i believe i can ALSO hide it from a WHOLE group of people if i wanted to. that's what the friendlists are for.

SO FAR i have only blocked completely people who i do NOT want to connect at all from my facebook. its a total 14 peeps i personally found distasteful in character and behavior.

now i am seriously rethinking if i want to extend that list to include minority groups. to maybe look like :-

1) those who can see my wall posts but not my photos
2) those who can comment on my posts but not on my wall
3) those i call my friends but do not ever want to meet them in person
4) those who are family but are so far removed from my reality that they must not see my tagged photos. to avoid gossips at family events you see

.........

BLEARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

why the hell is this totally bugging me? privacy settings are FARKING bugging me!!! how in heaven's name do you people do it man *lips quiver*


stay sane,
j. amyemeelea

plugging it

its back to land of shadows next week before a short stint in bongoland aka kay el, malaysia. i wish to be anywhere BUT here after the recent fiasco but i bit my tongue at simply blowing wishes. simple ones at least. i don't want to end up in shadowland while there's another quake OR how gross will it be that the ride up to bongoland be on a bus full of roaches.

i tried to think, feel and work on the details once again. my mind drew blanks and the scratches on paper illegible.

NUMB.

yeaps, some travel should do it. IT BETTER!

stay sane,
j.amyemeelea

hard decisions

you asked me if i have given up. why don't i fight hard enough. how could i not want to push a little harder for your sakes. will it be difficult to stop smoking, cover up and basically do everything you say.

YOU SAY!
YOU SAY!!!
YOU ALL SAY!!!

i must do this, that and a whole thousand little must must musttttttttttttttttttt to prove that i care. i love you. i really do.

sacrifice. do it for us! US! US!!!

it got very emotional for me. even though its really nothing new. i have these face offs with your dad and your stepmom and the rest of the world out there for yonks = close to 8 years in fact. it shouldn't have been too difficult for me to laugh it off. scoff at the stories and flip them away as sillyspeak and then skip alongside with you to dinner.

why?

because it still hurts.

why?

am i not human?

ultimately..it just crossed my mind.

i am your MOTHER!!!

you know it, they know and i can definitely confirm that fact but....WHY?! WHYYYY?!!! must they keep you away from me unless i do as YOU SAY. THEY SAY.

its not so much the you says that blows my short fuse but its the : WE say because THEY told us to say that i cannot..simply cannot tolerate anymore.

so there.

i'm going to take my time again with this issue but am going to give it till end of this year. i will do what i need to do and can do for you with NO ONE to TELL me what to do.

not even you terrors.

this is hard and i cannot even fathom how i am going to do it. everything i did, i had to do was for the 3 of you. as the 3 of you have been my meaning to life, my sanity. but i guess...i'll be alright. mama will always be steady.

how did i get this numb?

j.amyemeelea

irrefutable.

friends in need are friends indeed and then right after that, the maxim 'no news is good news.' :p

i need to build up my contact base again, reconnect with a lot more than just a few but don't worry mates! no obligation...i won't sell you something OR am i??? chillax ok..i just lost my phone what :D so expect the unexpected!

*cue freaky music*

to the hombre who got a parking ticket yesterrday at kampong glam cafe because he was too busy ogling the girls across the table. you gave me a GOOD bellyful laugh hehehehehe...and massacre angel, it was the bomb seeing you again. glad we still think of each other fondly. i like that we can still finish each others sentences and yar..nonit to talk already. just see me soon! even if its for a dastardly run. remember buddy...i DON'T DO early sunday mornings if you don't matter!!!!!!!!

i hoping the terrors will be in and seriously...if tonight dito is going to ask me to speak SOFTLY i'm going to box him in the ears. biar baru betul-betul PEKAK kau duh~

kama come backkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!!

its all about timing

plans were already in place. i was stalking for a new one. it needn't be flashy but at least of the right size. of course i couldn't decide whether it should have a touch screen or just a normal keypad. i have my eyes on the E7 but it looked too bulky for me. also i've gotten used to the bangla kesian hand me down. it was useful and helped loads while the last Ding-aling reamins dead. unrevived.

well, the unnamed bangla phone has gone back to yindia or wherever it wants to roam. i was left clueless because i only realised it went missing after 1 whole night. i didn't even mourn or grief. it was just meant to be but i do regret not saving the smses. there were about 2000+ from kama that i couldn't bear to delete. i had wanted to print them out and make them into a wrapping paper for a non existent gift come his burstday. well, now i could just count on the inbox messages from facebook then hurhurhur.

i've got a nifty new fone. its a nokia 1800 courtesy of kama who didn't panic or made a big huge fuss of me losing bangla. it doesn't have a camera but it has a flashlight! and a talking clock!!! *muahahaha* we got it right after confirming the loss and poor kama, he had to use the last of his emergency cash to get me nifty. we had to trawl jaypoint even though kama has agoraphobia *patpat* :D finally after hunting down the cheapest one (ok there was another cheaper version, diff of 3 bucks) i chose nifty because its purplish. box said its RED anyway.

so new number, new phone and finally its got a name. hello nifty ;) you're such gem because you remind me that everything is broken, everyone gets lost but it only matters how you pick up the broken pieces and want lead it home. great timing! so now you can TELL TIME to meeeeeeeeeeee :p

stay sane,
j.amyemeelea

ps: iphone tue best? pakai tak ALL the FEATURES yang ada? but it is said lar, you just got to get use to model-model baru nie. tak pakai maka tak tahu ehe ehe ehe ehe...

on patience.

naturally as a social butterfly with extreme introvert sensitivities, i'm bubbly and calm whenever in company. afterward, once done with the brouhaha of the festivities and connections made i sneak away to hibernate. the length i need to reflect and replenish my energy (like a bear) has a wide range. sometimes, i could take days before i make another appearance and hopefully sane but usually a good work out (BEDminton anytime! :p) or a long slow walk to nowhere brings me back to my sensibilities.

i'm a single mom for a total of 8 plus years now. in between i was a hanger-on closet bridezilla wannabe. thanks to the ex lebabi, i have lost all the need to be bridezilla plus! now i am convinced that marriage is over-rated. at best, all that connects to being a wife and a mom...is bittersweet.

my friends do worry and my loved ones (hopefully) have since given up trying to guide me. as i firmly mould and shape me by my own experiences. some may call me a cynic, stubborn and more than often they simply ignore my confounding replies. who can blame me for having free will and freedom of choice right? >)

today after another dashed weekend with the terrors, i find myself questioning my own free wheeling way i accept my stumbles. i miss them but at the same time, i understand and accept why they are not with me. it dawned on me that they CHOSE to be with their father instead of me.

stay sane,
j.amyemeelea

this blog doesn’t dream

the main theory about dreams is how the brain tries to purge and categorise our thoughts as we dream. Where it rejects the bad and then put in the memories into place. Dreams serve as a defragmentation process of sorts. Of course this is just 1 of the many theories out there.

during dreamtime, i apparently snore and kama has to tickle my nose to make me stop but i swear i don’t unless i’m totally whacked :p

i like dreaming whether awake or in sleep and i have been a serious recorder of my dreams at least those vivid ones. Recently i’ve been dreaming a lot more at the new place. The saddest ones will be those where my late parents show up and take on a role. Usually during those dreams, i’d wake up crying. It’s the wetness on my cheeks that wake me up as that’s the only way you could wake me anyway :p of course you can tickle me angry but beware i will scratch, kick and punch. Hence they all hate to wake me up IF i do wake up at all.

Then there are those scary nightmares of monsters or ghosts that leave me exasperated. But those i’ve managed to overcome by actually taking control and they actually turn comedic. This was weird but such a relief! Recurring dreams could also be that i have loads on my mind or just an adjustment to new surroundings. I’ve dreamt of LKY before. He opened the door all smiley and waving like ms. Universe to a horde of people and THEN suddenly YANKED the closest guy to cobble him on the head *lololol* that was after we had this very funny conversation about politics over dinner.

With all these dreams, i would have thought my brain will do the processing faster and coherently right? WRONG. Its Friday and i’m freaking tired. Too tired to think and hopefully tonight too fucking tired to dream as well.

WORST is..................i on farkendoodoo WORKING tomorrow.

Rant list for this week:-
1) Debts are hiking up and i’m beginning to HATE paying rent.
2) The only way i can really tidy up my room is to burn everything or! To hell lar with charity..i’m throwing away all those clothes!
3) The next time you ask me to copywrite, i’m going to charge you! And i don’t care if you’re going through a hard time. Your whining is seriously turning me off. And its not funny how you try to engage me into your small talk by taking advantage of my sweet nature. Babi siak.
4) I want to go kay el with kama! Why can’t money fall off from the sky? I threw mariam out the window already what : ( ooPs...err..okay i shall not go there *gulps*
5) Why do you even ask philosophical questions when all that you want to hear are the echoes in your hollow mind? Don’t get me started on the state of your soul because TALK to the HAND! The opposite of justice is INJUSTICE where i believe your actions truly show where you firmly stand on right now. Yes, you can do injustice to yourself by ONLY wanting to listen to praise. Wah! Yourre so AWESOME~ when in fact you make me PUKE.
On a good note, i saw mew by chance when i met the girls yesterday. We air kissed and glad she looks and feels just like the kittyspit i know. Miss that wisecracking bitch, her self depreciating humor i do so miss and I do so wish your ‘trying’ will bear fruit : )

Stay sane,
j.amyemeelea

ps: i WILL erase you from my dreams just like i killed those really scary momoks. they are SOoOOoo sad!!!! and those are reseve for the late dada and mama. At best, try to lean more on on kasos okay? Has she seen you cry? I trust it will help unless she truly is the super lembek nak mampos type and cries even more than yours truly. This time, you are on your own buddy.

going on forward.

i'm still stuck in the office when i need to get out and drop by bobi's place to pick up my mail and then handover his keys. apparently he's not even the least curious or interested to know where i live and maybe the last sms about mail was to check whether i am dead or alive. my mail must be POURING in and taking up the whole living room space hence the sms.

but thats bobi for you. he's blunt and terse. as much as i can be verbosely scathing with my words.

i'm just in a bad mood. GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

march madness

its only the beginning of march and i can't wait for APRIL 2011. nothing more depressing than looking at your bank balance TSK...MAJOR TSSSSSSSSSSSSSSKKKKKKKK...i need to seriously look into my finances again. yeaps, the brunt of paying rent has bitten my ASS big time and i'm getting the jitters.

please school, DO not take my money NOoOOooow! i wants to go holiday bohoooo hooo hooooooooooooooooooooooo~ *chokes*

the days of spending what i have and not spending when i don't must cease immediately if i want to have some semblance of normalcy being a working rat. the taxi uncle was right when he said singapore is paradise when you have money but paralyse when you don't. I can actually see bobi in my head doing a whoopeedo, cartwheels and all dance while chanting serve you right! Serve you right jig *shoOOOoo!*

thinking about this is NOT helping GAHHHHHHHH..but issues as such need a wee bit attention lest i slip into dreaded procrastinations. Now wishing for the general elections to come sooner *hehe* so that we could already enjoy the 800 bucks dished out. Like PRONTO..as you note my sentiments for the upcoming elections too have underlying ulterior motives. I’m Singaporean and SHOULD be apathetic mah *sigh*
i got excited about the showdown on television where it was billed as opposition battling tongues with reigning pappies and blabbed it to kama.BUT! i missed it over the weekend. there's links on youtube though so will check it out later. OI! just because its rare and why 2 pappies?? why must EXCLUDE chee soon guan! he's in jail already ehk?

I remembered the last time i got to vote we still had them rallying around on lorries! Those were days when i went around the house with nothing but my undies. Ehk! I still do *snigger* and even less when....*coughTOOMUCHINFOcough* i’d look out the windows and be thinking its the ice cream man! Or the durian seller! But nope..its them people shouting for changes! More power to the people! So exciting *hehe* but terror 1 saw those long ago clips on teevee last weekend and laughed at them. She can’t figure out why these ministers or politicians could go on lorries to rally. See! Even an 11 year old can’t justify your salaries! >p i don’t think they can or DO the rallies anymore. The last public rally held last year *??!!* in hougang gathered so MANY people hungry to listen out what these leaders of the future had to say. jam hor! don't play play.

Noting here that the terrors need to feel that their votes count and why it matters. Will add a sidenote about ‘walkovers’ *muahahaha* just so they don’t get disappointed when suddenly your right to vote doesn’t matter. LIKE MINE! But at least i did manage to tick the poll papers ONCE in my lifetime *prrrft* i would rather draw stars and stickmen in mine for future IF i ever get to do it one more time.

Hrmm...on a parting note yagog and magog are Chinese! :p

Stay sane,
j.amyemeelea

ps: therapy tonight is laundry *GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!* and also smelling and rolling about in 'dirty laundry' *snifffffffffffffffffffINHALE*