maintaining real neutrality..

my mind connects neutrality with the pros of neutering. of animals..of gender...its to maintain a position of 'nothingness'.

or rather will it be of perpetual 'sitting on the fence' position? what a balancing act that must be right? and i detest hard work :p

so i tried cleaning up and tinker with the privacy functions of facebook till i GAVE up. i find it easier to act of extremes. either i want you 'off' or 'on' the bandwagon. rumminations in facebook caused by the insistence of che. quetee actualy who demands that i 'facebook' rather than work email. he's touchy about connecting there. i noted he re-added me with usual 'restrictions' *blearghhhhhhhhhh* but for the love of my precious *lightercase*, i humbly *NOTTTTTTTTT* placed him under 2 lists. both non favourable to say the least but it just so happens, my facebook prefers the chaos. i minded for a little while, bent on enforcing 'taste' to mere Faustus facade before i got tired of pretentiousness coming from myself.

so i merely let it be.

i see more peeks (total 23? or was it 24??!) of late and *bows* i am truly curiosest now *grins* kindly excuse melati's rants and over pouring of hearts lamest hurts. she's being melodramatic experimenting with malay as her lingual franca. besides, i hear the lament of che.pidomat whose having a lot of trouble with flipping through the dictionary to understand my current spews? *lol* so...hopefully over the next 10 nights will come clarity ehk?

i'm downloading ufc 118 while typing this. nursing a snotty nose full with green bullets of smuck. yet, i just finished a nice slim 'BAAL' of winner :p mariam says hi! while aunty rose bids goodbye *waves* me pretty chilling to the point that, i might just go for a 'date' with che.supercop ehk? *wailsssssssssssssssss* or really, i would like to cuddle up in my den and entertain thoughts of......

E-N-J-O-T-S-U~~~~~

my oh my~~ how maliciously intertwined the double entente above rolls to be one...

but unbearably intolerant i am to sharing, it shall always and forever be mine. of my dreams alone. which obviously include ALL acts of my understanding. MINE ONLY.

*puurrrr*

kapish~...salam kenonengs *hiccs*

j.amyemeelea

ps: jelita. janda. jorok. jahat. jangan. jenuh. jering. what have yous...
asummptions have always been just labels..you sort them ok?

scribd! no not the webbie ler..

Bahtera berlalu dibawa arus menuju baru
Perahu membawa seribu impian dan harapan
Disimpan teliti moga sampai ke hujung mudik
Lakar satu bakal memahami selari nadi
Bersama teguh taat pada yang Satu
Dimula janji titik noktah terus setia
Intipati hati tak rela dicurangi
Lautan diselam dalam yang paling pasti
Urusan kasih terpatri, sayang yang tidak tertanding peri
.....
Berlayarlah bahtera harapan sang bidadari
Menuju nun jauh sarat berat peluh segala simpanan
Air yang tenang lagi tampan dipandang
Dikocak sang buaya berdamping dikelopak titis airmata
Dilayar sang bayu membawa cuit baur nan hangit
Berlalu waktu agak lekang jenuh putus harapan
Hati berdegup tak puas dengan hanya desiran impian
Sampai nanti ke hujung mudik sergah singgahsana sang raja
Paksa mampu si bidadari pada tiada yang pasti,
..........


Tetap menadah syukur diberi nakhoda, janji sehidup semati


yang kehilangan,
melati

The will of intent...

Bummer. The doc gave me lousy cough syrup and flu meds that don’t cause drowsiness and that's why I’m typing this entry. Been busy a wee bit adjusting (a blast at work) my hours and stuff to learn (all new) while welcoming ramadhan. Even though, I’ve been on ‘off’ for a few days now ;p so it hasn’t been tough or bad. Just extremely floozy with the flu virus that had gone amok. not to forget the dreaded cramps *oooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwww*

The weather hasn’t helped alternating between hot humid days with deep chilly points throughout the weeks before. I’ve been caught in the rain a few times already on the way to and from home. the umbrella i have stashed in my bag doesn't get enough exposure because as always, i'm just too lazy. Since then, I haven’t been out much too. No soccer but thank you for the invites!!! And a few house viewings here and there with loads of chilling in bed under covers make up my days.

of course, I finally met the terrors this weekend and sent a few regrets to some. Che. Swede has touched down singy and owe him a go-see. mr.hiphopcina just asked me out and my watch and ring is with him *bleargh* i told him next change lar, plus the fact I still have his book read halfway. Not to forget,i added a hint to note that I’m really the GOOD gal this fasting month :p Lately I prefer empod for morning stimulation on the bus as opposed to reading. Also because I bought ungu’s latest cd titled ‘penguasa hati’. Roughly ‘ruler of my heart’. the risk for missing bus stop is ona high though. Che. Quetee is also in town after that long break and couldn’t poke him through facebook anymore. Maybe he got pissed I ‘unfriended’ him but seriously....I would really prefer to get to know him in person.

yes, certain things were NOT supposed to happen our last night together but it did. its also more urgent i see quetee soon (not because of guilt heh.) but more for my precioussssssssssssss, sucha precioussssssssss lighter bought last in Australia is with him! earlier, i sent him an SOS email via work :p to remind him I need (YES! NEED!!) it back because it is so the very precioussssssssssssssssss.

Of course, his book is with me too *haha* the one about slash. Did he read mr. Kundera? I doubt so but maybe that the reason he’s been cold? My choice of book was probably TOTALLY way off from cool factor? *sigh* where have all the reading men go? Reminding myself to get him that not-so latest book by Stig Larsson called ‘the girl with the dragon tattoo’. Apparently now it’s on the screens! and he did mention its something he has an eye for. So anyway, apology sent :) let’s hope he doesn’t bear a grudge.

On the home front, or rather the only front that truly matters is that I haven’t found a place yet to call my own. The terrors are relived that I got the job here instead of anywhere else. But I told them that things can still change.
Just not...the will of my intent/s:-

1. No more talking about YOG or things related to politics lest I scare men away (plus girls)
2. Get a place to accommodate cheap day & stay ins with the terrors. Minimum decorum plus a kitchen for cook outs will be best. Bonus = pool!
3. Clear the junk at the office and be more meticulous, maybe try to rope in che. Caddie as mentor. He’s the only one i got. The other has already quit me a long time ago *gulps*
4. Confirm a maybe for ‘methods of ifhtar’ this 28th. The chance for qiamullail shines bright and WISH my will to be brave and make it a reality *amin* aiming for at least the last days to home-lasting-run. Bent on intent to lead to purification. Mind, body & soul.
5. R-a-t-I-o-n *muahahahahaah* and of course Rationalise and ultimately determined execution. done flawlessly undertaken faithfully till end *kapish*
6. Repeat all of the above and not rest till no. 2 is fulfilled as closest as I can will it to be.

....but the rest just might have a go at being first achieved ;)

Orh!! i couldn't forget too!!!!!!!!!!!

7. Must. MUST at all costs respect boundaries of lelabikasos. Plot summary sumer da tahu tinggal hari sexecutionnnnyer sahajer. PRAY I get it off in mirthful pain just like the feel of a good quick swipe of sticky bandaid. adventure beckons as yours look set to full sail ahead so is my mast stiff; ready for the onslaught of stormy skies ahead to my kismet :D

End of post.

But before I go, I need to ask you something. Personally I have gay/lesbian friends and I respect them for and as the individuals they are. Yet, I do not agree with the idea of a gay culture with rights. For a simple reason IF gay values are upheld, how are we to pro-create? Seriously, if everyone decides to go GAY, then are you suggesting we evolve to be hermaphrodite? Just like snails???? so what does that make me? your enemy??

So I have been confused before and YOU said it yourself. you are CONFUSED so yeah I hope you snap out of it and even when you don’t at least I have made my peace with you over minor contentions in beliefs. I could condone the deplorable only because I am too prone to such fall from grace but do let me get a grip on mine without upsetting you. i wasn't and will not force anyone out of their own will.

What about infidelity too? When so many of us are susceptible to be devil’s advocates ourselves? I say, be true to who, what, why you are and stay sane. Life is too short to fuss over details. Yet.............

Sometimes, it’s the arduous task of being virtuous that keeps our desires in check *batok* self censorship is needed I guess to be able to keep incognito amongst the so many self-righteous *puke* using the time to prepare on change. With an assertive yet gentle approach another might be charmed into sharing the same beliefs that I do. anywho, wasn't it you who proposed the ideas?

we can't know who is to say who is neither right nor wrong. The voice of interpretation comes from sincerity and should not be condemning. So? As the merry-go-round of recent muck in my head MUST end...I am truly sorry if I don’t BLINDLY jump-up-in agLEEment with your stand; know that trust comes in time. I’ve withdrawn from foolish my-say-last words combats as those flames take long to heal. Instead you’d find me exclusively silent.

My worst fear far from always being misunderstood is the truth that I cannot stay to be an island *ugh* ALONE??!! So my offering of quiet understanding should be a fair exchange in times of mutual harmony kan kan kan? For didn’t I mention....I will the intention to have future with you.

*kenoneng*

Stay sane,
j.amyemeelea

Ps: small word after all moments is to know minahkumari el sitikus is engaged to che. matdonna!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *GASPPPPPPPPP* and that m/m okachongs are cousins to im and erna *lololol* otey..now tido.

visits

the last time i went to visit them both was when i still mrs. someone. he wanted to visit his brother and since i have 'invested' in the car and maybe part show of dutiful husband, we went to visit. i still do not know how to read the yassin but he shoved the romanised version into my hands to just READ!

since then, there haven't been any visits. i always feigned busy or something always crops up :p *asusual* bobi even slighted me with a mere retort of 'yes, EVERYTHING else is secondary' when i tell him i can't make the visits. my 3rd bro che. kecik shoved a "nah nie kubor BAPAK kau" (HERE! lies YOU dad) nto my face last weekend to which i just smiled to and asked for the mini cangkul.

my trio of elder brothers *salut* have always made the efforts to remember. they VISIT without fail every year and in between them, the personal visits that are not mentioned or made known i could probably guess will number to at best 'few more'. they don't just visit our parents but try to include everyone from grandparents to uncles and aunts. that is the petom offsprings for you.

so yesterday at 8am, bobi and me headed out to jurong to meet bro che.kecik, his wife and my nephew luqman. he brought along wak man, my mom's eldest to join in. my bro no. 1 che. haji camel brought along my oldest nephew farhan. all of us had the standard kopitiam breakfast of coffee, eggs and kaya toast before heading out to lim chu kang. where our dearly departed are resting *gulps* in peace *iwishhhhhhhhhh* my other bro, che. haji gendon couldn't make it due to family commitments so off we went.

it was packed with many other families. we had cars lining all the way into the cemetary. everyone looked busy cleaning up (and looking for) the graves before ramadhan falls unto us to avoid the crowds who hold to the tradition of visiting the dearly departed right on the first day of syawal for many families. the lanes were also flanked by enterprising families who sells flowers (including fake ones), rose water and white cloth to the visitors. they even brought the kids who played in the bushes and roadside but stayed clear of the graveyard. i also saw nyonyas selling chilled drinks to the tired and sweaty visitors. business was fairly good i must say.

sans make up i wore my chaplin tee and jeans. i had my black kerchief over my head and not forgetting my shades to hide the tears which i know are gonna flow incessantly once my sandals touch the soil. errm...the traditional baju kurung is not my thing. i said my prayers plus salutations and first stop was my dad. i could't stop the 'HELLO DAD!' bursting out of my heart and i stopped the smile on my lips once the miss start to cramp in. my elder bros didn't do much because they were nice enough to give bobi and me the opporturnity to 'do our thang'. his place of rest looks clean and there were signs that someone not too long ago came by to offer prayers. for a minute the question lingered to whom? but there wasn't any time for that...NOW IT WAS my turn. as i pulled all the weeds away from his grave and tidied the melor bush on top (he loved his melors) my heart ranted and raved about what i've been thorugh without him. oh how much i miss being daddy's little gal and just like that suddenly i find myself alone with him.

everyone left me to be. i saw bobi's sandals last walking away as i held on and wanted so much to lay my head on the cold tiles to ease the longings i felt. which i didn't because it would have been too melodramatic even for my own family members to witness. from thier angle it could have been a bad shot from a malay drama hurhurhur *horrors!* it was a few more minutes with dad before i leftwith my head dizzy with memories and my feet heavy from guilt.

my maternal uncles took the next 2 spots. one was paman hashim who i remembered wasn't so nice to me. he and my mum was going through a cold war of sorts. he softened up a bit when mama passed but i never really had the chance to get to know him out of fear really of his scowls. yet, his kids and us stayed close as cousins since most weekends we'd all be doing something as a family as hatched by my mom and so it continued to be a tradition of sorts even after she passed. whether he liked it or not hehe. i didn't stay too long at his grave because i was lead urgently to my other uncle. he's my mom's youngest. paman tomin! he was a few plots away and i hurried over to look for him. i could never forget his nasi goreng tomato because i couldn't take spicy food haha! and he had to cook me something special when i was there. he was riddled with kidney failure and his last days were painful and the sight that greeted me upon finding his resting place made me even more wistful for his ever cheery smile.

unlike my dad's or paman hashim's...the only stones to mark his palce of rest was broken slabs of concrete. the headstones were made of wood and it was rotting. there were termites and other creepy crawlies in a frenzy over his grave as we started to clean up. the grass were at least knee high and the weather haven't been kind to his place of rest as the soil has sunked in pretty low. wak man said, the wood planks must have rotted away to explain the sinking. his family has asked NOT to pour concrete over his grave or do anyting to it for fear that he (down below) would have to bear ALL that dead weight. some muslims believe the dead can still feel and hear so they rather NOT aggravate the situation. in some ways i could respect that but the reality is that in a few years time, his grave IF left unattended will dissapear. the small memory of who he was and where he lies now will be no more but another unmarked plot. how the hell will we find his grave to offer our prayers then? i guess, for some..prayers should be offered whenever and wherever.

wak man looked on and asked why. he couldn't understand how his brother's place of rest could have come to such a state. all i could offer was to reply in respect of his family's wishes espescially his wife. he lamented that its no use to have so many kids then if not ONE made an effort to visit. che. haji camel said "so the government is right! we should just stop at 2." :p paman tomin has 5 kids. che. kecik laughed and told me to look at it from a different perspective and said, "its not about him down there but more so on the ones living." i had to bite my tongue there and chipped in harder to clean up. i couldn't forget how he made us so happy with his jokes and offer of adventure whenever we came to visit or went on holidays. it was the least i could do and of course family politics is not my thing.

i walked over to paman hashim's again and took a moment there on my own to remind myself of his generosity. it didn't feel right to leave without telling him how much i admire his courage to stand up for his beliefs (my mom was older so he was considered rude to some) even though it meant that he and my mom didn't talk much and that everyone else in the family tried to butt in. i remembered mama telling me the reason of the cold war was a merely sibling rivalry lar and it wasn't much to think about. in the end, they still loved each other and i had to respect him as my uncle.

we took a break after that and cleaned up a bit. i threw away the newspaper meant to line the car *slapforehead* and i didn't smoke. i was surprised bobi did but thats manhood for you, i knew if i did start lighting up, one of my older brother would slap me right into the ditch :p so i just stole a few smokes from bobi later in the car. wak man and my brothers (excluding bobi anti politkus himself) were still talking about what he could do to convince paman tomin's family to let us make the effort to tidy up a bit. in all that drone my sister in law kak min told me to look around and spot the funny names *hehehehehe* and then we drove off to find my mama and grandparents! i made sure to duck while i was smoking in bobi's car.

mama has recently been relocated and this was me visiting her at a new place of rest. the government had to shift old graves to new ones and they made it built to order *LOLOL* and a family could place up to 16 people in a single grave. my maternal grandmum is right on top, then followed by my granddad, afterwhich was my grandmum's sister. there were a few unknown family member but i saw mama listed at no. 6? there were altogether 8 of them all from the same family tree. i sank down to my knees to remember the where my tears soon follow. she's the lucky one of the Asid brood to be place in the SAME grave as her parents. Wak man is the only surviving member of thier brood and he joked that maybe in future he will be placed in the same grave as his other 2 departed brothers. they will then have a game of guli down there :D

there wasn't anything to clean or do except to offer your prayers for them as best as you know. this new plot of graves were plain and neat rows and rows of names and dates to remember by. no plants and decorations of any kind were allowed on the new plots. there wasn't even space for you to kneel or sit by the side without having ure entire butt on the grave next door. i did see a few mini shrubs and a windmill or two marking some graves though but che. kecik told me, they will be rooted but so as not to have the roots break the concrete. it was by then my emos spent and my heart was eased to know that mama could be happy to be reunited with her parents. although it seems very unlikely they'd be having any conversation down there but i somewhat felt calmed by the fact that she wasn't alone. after being much ostracized in life just to be who she is.

everyone took another smoke brak and as i as standing by the rows and rows of marked graves i saw some that had only 1 name on it. the very marked ones were siti maryam, siti khadijah and i forgot the other last name. 3 solitary graves of unknown women and no father's name mentioned. they were graves moved from kallang (which is a very veryyyyyyyyyy old cemetary) plus there was also very distinct 1 which wrote 'syed something...maulana with 14 others'. che.kecik quizzed me and asked me if i knew why these graves were solitary. i couldn't guess and so he told me that under MUIS law, if they dug out a grave (usually after decadessssssssss) and find that there is STILL a BODY in it. that person cannot share with it with another. or if the person was royalty. he reminded me of stories i read in magazines about bodies never rotting and smelling so sweet even after decades of being buried usually of very pious people. of course if you were incorrigible and horrible, the earth still wouldn't want to claim you but one must assume of only the best of the departed so he urged me (DARED ME) to drop by at night and dot dot dot over the ones i found so different and fascinating. the 3 ladies did pique my curiosity as much as awe in me and as it was oft reminded to me what to do when i visit a makam or by chance pass a grave...i said my prayers for them.

the last to visit was my sister in laws mum. che fatimah is well loved and i heart her so much for giving me kak min. her HUGE brood (i think my sis has 13 siblings) has welcomed our family with much love and over the years made my bro che. kecik so happy too. she has a huge shrub of pandan leaves that we cut and brought home and my bro was impressed with the ease i handle the sharp parang *ahems* and i forgot to ask what my sis intended to do with the many many pandan leaves.

everyone agreed to end day with makan time! briyani hasan rabit sounds LOVELY but bobi has to rush home to shikino. i could have just jumped to join the rest but i didn't feel like letting bobi drive home alone. my brothers reminded me to bring the terrors along soon so that they'd learn too the importance of 'living' just as we did from our mom. i think the terrors would be thrilled and yes, i will try to pitch in bobi to drive us :p

back at home i only had this to sum up for the day~...

"What about the one who will only have his bare face to protect him from his terrible suffering on the Day of Resurrection? It will be said to the evildoers, "Taste what you have earned." Others before them also disbelieved, and the punishment fell on them unawares: God gave them punishment of disgrace in this world to taste; the punishment will be even harder in the Hereafter, if only they knew:"......

Surah Al Zumar, The Throngs - 39:38:24

stay sane,
j.amyemeelea

ps: NOT readyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!

despite..

when the final curtain falls *ticktockticktock* while i still try to fade away....




all i wish to feel is RESPITE...




stay where you both are,
emeelea sani

ps: i mean you lebabikasos