3rd day and counting..

i just finished a bowl of maggisedap noodles *comfortfoodburp* :) and lunch today at work was soOOooo good hehe. we had nasi lemak, fried chicky wings, fried fishcake, omelette, sambal power, spinach soup and the usual fried anchovies, peanuts and last but not least fresh cucumber slices!!! the canteen was unusually pack today and i suspect its because the food is really not bad-bad as usual.

i won't put my hopes too high on liking this job as i wouldn't want to get dissapointed again *referringtoallmylastjobs* as the hotel industry is famous for its 'in-house politics'. can you imagine the director of sales who interviewed me actually asked what i thought of office politics?! and how i would handle such skrimishes. of course i blah-blahed sales-talked my way through hehe but now after just 3 days i remember how so-so very bad the backstabbing, the super bitching and *insertexpletiveshere* can be. the last 3 days also reminded me no matter how much time has flown since i was back to the hotel and now that i am not 17 anymore :P all that DOES not change how my former colleagues remember me. they must be asking why the hell did i choose to come back after all these years and thinking that i am still who i am before *ahem17ahem* doo bi doo bi doo......

but who, what and why would things, people and places WON'T change? i shudder and shiver at the thought of misinterpertations of who, what and why am i now and how i'm going to handle all the raised eyebrows and tempers. still...its a very small teeny weeny problemo, very much depending on HOW i need to just keep on smiling and WHEN to reflect on every bad and good comments *blueeek*

just today i almost threw a fit and went nuts when all of the above started to fly whizz past me and as i took a long drag on my free ciggs, in the last available smoking zone within the hotel, i reminded myself again as to WHY i chose to go back in the first place. i have no time to think of the major cons *thepast* and need to only focus on the future. i hate it when i am put in a spot and automatically second guess myself. but without the occasional 'yer ker aku macam gitu ker' or 'am i really like that' kinda questions, then self realisations will have no opporturnities to surface. hence....no time to think. did all the thinking and now to concentrate on the doing and pushing for consistency!

as they say practice makes perfect and i don't look like a haggard nyonya lah!!!!! >( i have to put bun up my hair you see and i wear tinted wire frame ala chegu bedah glasses *whichitookoffaftermuchbitchingfromthemanagers*, apparently i can't wear my type of glasses at front office. i already told them to give me a bit of time and i'll get new glasses but for now i can't see very well but of course the bitching HAD to go on. die siak...everything oso have to buy new!! and get this! the juniors are not allowed to wear any earrings, not even small studs as its a 'priviledge' given only to managers and above *prrrft* aper jer!!!!!! *fumes* add plak we MUST wear only skin colored stockings *minewasgreyishhoneyish* and i had to change to a pair that made my legs look fake and wooden :S it also sucks that i lost too much weight and bear very very close resemblance to olive oyl *gundekpopeyetue* and everyone can't stop themselves from telling me to put on weight thinking that i'm sick... gua biasa ah, step denial. "iiiiiJIIT?!!! too skinny meh? i tot i look very sexy leyy." *openeyesbigBIG* since when was it a crime to lose weight ah?

well, whatever it is! priorities are priorities and no one can bear the heavy burden of responsibilty for another. if you want to you can of course but i do hope i'd never have to pause to think of the consequences when i ever ter-want to carry anything for anyone :P i will try to perfect the 'art' of giving and receiving nasihat or advise *foaaaar* and FOCUS on my new year resolutions *saaaaap*

i promise to do my best,

to do my duty to god,

to serve my country and

help other people and

to keep to ALL my promises,

for the good, the bad and et all.

okay dah...if you find the above familiar its because its a revised my-version of the Girl Guide's promise dah :D

stay sane,
amyemeelea

lagu wak mentel..

hehe..i never cease to be amazed everytime i blog read ;) and boy oh boy!!! it made my day it did :D

"Maniac" by Michael Sembello

Just a small town girl on a Saturday night
lookin' for the fight of her life
In the real-time world no one sees her at all
They all say she's crazy

Locking rhythms to the beat of her heart
Changing woman into life
She has danced into the danger zone
When a dancer becomes a dance

It can cut you like a knife
If the gift becomes the fire
On a wire between will and what will be

She's a maniac, maniac on the floor
And she's dancing like she's never danced before
She's a maniac, maniac on the floor
And she's dancing like she's never danced before

On the ice-build iron sanity is a place most never see
It's a hard warm place of mystery
Touch it, but can't hold it

You work all your life for that moment in time
It could come or pass you by
It's a push of the world, but there's always a chance
If the hunger stays the night

There's a cold connective heat,
Struggling, stretching for defeat
Never stopping with her head against the wind

She's a maniac, maniac, I sure know
And she's dancing like she's never danced before
She's a maniac, maniac, I sure know
And she's dancing like she's never danced before

(Solo)

It can cut you like a knife
If the gift becomes the fire
On a wire between will and what will be
She's a maniac, maniac, I sure know
And she's dancing like she's never danced before

(repeats out)

its my first day at work tomorrow yeah!! and as usual i'm already hyperventilating. one of the major reasons i took up this job even when the pay sucks and! this is gonna be my third stint back to the hotel industry is because i'll finally be able to do something that is not gonna take up too much headspace :) being already an old-hand at front desk duties and all. major points also is cos its just beside al falah mosque and 2 bus stops away from night school!!! fave lepak corner is opposite at takashimaya and the library @ orchard there too! *phew* i can't wait for the new year to start...errrm....must make mental note to check islamic calender as well but yes...still sane and happy all the same.

till then,
amyemeelea

dancing in my head..

jihn once told me that my blog smells of something that reeks in the institute of mental heath :P another saiko's blog *bluuekkk* but it takes one to know one!

the first signs that you are a mental head is when you start to talk to yourself and sure enough, sometimes it does feel like you are writting/speaking to yourself but what makes a blog different is because a HUGE part of you knows that someone or somebody will chance upon your musings and rants to make or not make sense of it and hence you feel at peace and no longer crazy. aren't we all so full of ourselves then? :) we all laughed in class when the lecturer gave us an example of everybody talking to ourselves now (via wireless headphones) and how many times have i caught myself talking to myself *withoutheadphones* and i had to laugh.

a silly little laugh.....

thank god *mumblesalittleprayerofthanks* finally things kinda of settled. i WILL start on the new job on the 27th Dec and soon thereafter will start moving to my bros place. everything that has happened and will happen are for reasons that i will have no absolute idea what there are for, but loads of self realisations there. it all leads to how happy am i or will i be when circumstances change. be it because of external or internal factors. the only theme that stays constant will be the changes that i will encounter for *hopefully* a long time to come. another year will come to close and i will be another year older *accks!!* and who knows if this new job will be a consolation from the last job i left. time will tell and for whatever that comes to past from tomorrow onwards i will learn to be thankful always and keep sane.

that means awhole lotta juggling! and a huge big basket of hope to carry and the determination to follow through decisions made with my heart, my head, my soul *me!* i feel sad though because there will be some things that i will have to lose through these changes. inevitably because this was how i was lead to believe and since now i know better, no more crying over spilt milk! cos there no split milk to cry over wot ;P

"all feelings are good, because thier purpose is to provide us with information, direction and motivation that will help us create a satisfying life" excerpt from book :) so go ahead, feel bored, angry, guilty, sad, lonely, inadequant, stressed, and scared! fulfill each and every need with meaningful purposes and soon you'll see alls well ends well *tonguetwisted!* don't be afraid to question cos thats the only thing that seperate the boys from men and the gals from the ladies ;) but be afraid who and how you question cos you never know how and whats the answer you gonna get. kalau kena lempang then salah orang ler lu tanya kan? dan kalau dapat jawapan bodoh maknanya orang tue ler yang tak tahu jawapan untok soalan lu bukan? *doesalittledance* :D

be prepared, stay sane!

amyemeelea

all i see is little squares...

eeek!!! mater gua da nak betol nyer potek gaknyer ah!!! *rubrub*

i'm at my bros place in tamps (short form for tampines hehe) and it looks like i'd be blogging from here more often in the future. the 3 terrors are missing and classified 'unofficially' kidnapped from me this weekend :( and i miss them terribly. i did get to speak to all the terrors yesterday before they went missing in action and its very hard not to get all emotional and crack over the phone when all i want to do is touch and hold them and not let go! >( *marahjugaknie*

i have been reading non stop and i keep falling asleep while practising theraphy techniques :P oh well oh well...all in the name of school hehe. bits of more good news! i'm moving again next year to my bro's place in woodlands cos i'm so tired of moving from one place to another and this time i'm not going to move again until its really my own place or someting more permanent so please pray for my brother and his wife :D thank you both of you for welcoming me and giving me the due support ;)

the other piece of good news is that i just got my licence to do relief teaching and will be teaching next year woooooooHOOOOOOO!!! *lompatsukaria* and for those who are skeptical about ME teaching *glaresatimran* just watch me ;)

*rushofeuphoria* welkum to the muda mudi club che poww! and wish you all the best in your germang course. yes yes.. i can totally see the two of us feeling-feeling student over coffee! but warning ah...i'm not sure how teaching and being a student stimultaneously will affect me next year ;D already i'm so stretched but a promise is a promise, designated sunday already pre-booked. so keep me in the loop.

stay sane,
amyemeelea

everything and then nothing...

it is so hard to make sense of a whole lot of things for me but i try my very best to accomodate, give in and adapt. usually not done willingly and that is very much still a problem for me. it is true when you repress you get depressed and same rings true for saper makan cili dia terasa pedas (literally translated as, u eat cili u feel hot and spicy hehe).

class has been great and i know i flunked my first two essays last semester. didn't make head or tails in class and as usual i tried it my way and used 'feel' to make my way around and then tried to crash a whole lot into 1500 words. i learnt my lesson/s and thank god for second, third and quadruples many many chances the school is willing to give me *atmycostofcourse*...and i will beat this curve ball and many other life threatening curve balls that is gonna be thrown my way. the only way to beat depression in situations of such nature is to never give up but i don't know how many times i have fallen into the 'habit' of feeling defeated and altogether decide to give up. choose the easy way out or the cowards way out as many would like to say. but that is just one perspective and i have heart and believe that not all of us view situations in just one teeny tiny narrow way. a little hope goes a long way and if you don't believe me try injecting it into someone's deemed hopeless case and in return i can bet you might just end up to be his or her bestest friend in the whole wide world. who doesn't like to be understood? who doesn't want to be understood but alas it seems to me that nobody has the time to want to understand or put in the effort to be understood. i still can't figure a better solution other than to communicate and spend more more more time for effective communication.

only this is hard if neither of you speak the same language or share the same goal of wanting to communicate. so i wish for my books to talk to me in a way i can understand! i damn wish for all these authors to just say the same thing :P but now i know how much 'originality in understanding' is worth so here goes me diving with much more enthusiasm into my lists of books and journals and articles to read and jamming all of my understanding into 1500 -understood with citations APA format and of course edited- words with hopes that my 'originality' will do me and all those around me some good if not best.

last but not least..thank you ayong for putting me up as a link and yes *ahem* i do like oysters!!! ;P *droolslurp* and i dig che omniverse. espescially that piece on "how good on jugdements and decisions do we make". with all these tests and conclusions pointing towards progress and deeper understanding into the human psyche, we still firmly believe and go repeat the same mistakes over and over again. i understand the frustration on either fence. the eternal question of to be or NOT to be, as haven't we all been accused of being -insert any negative label here- ever so often. the key is not to lose your marbles and trust in yourself ;)

oh! and i just need to add to this, just think about this...Muhammad Asad author of Islam at Crossroads (pg 92) distinguishes reason and rationalism by saying that, "unlike reason, rationalism does not content itself with registration and control, but jumps into the field of speculation; it is not receptive and detached like pure reason, but extremely subjective and temperamental." i find solace in that and i very often choose to reason than rationalise even at the risk of being labelled as many other than just being reasonable.

otey, so its un-reasonable of me to ask for my books to talk the way i can understand better or just change anything for my own selfish reasons ;P doesn't make sense or not logical right? i'm very sure i'm not the only person who wished to be more understood *yesevenbybooks* but just how did the blind get to read???? just shows but a little amount of effort and a whole lot of love to change the world. a little proding and show of directions is all i ask to understand what makes the world go round. talk to me about the distinct difference and help me apply either to a situation is all it takes to cajol this mule headed me to give it a try. stand by me and not to leave me in the ditches and leave me to die. oh well, let's go beg *buatmukakesian* for others to help me then. i shan't bother those who shan't be bothered and i could't bring myself to bother if you already told me you hate to be bothered, at least i know of One whose always open to being bothered and that's enough for me.

*amygoesinsearchofsomeonewhocouldandwouldmakeherunderstand*

stay sane peeps,
amyemeelea

if you're intrested...

one of my elder bro is a certified hypnotheraphist and he's planning to conduct an introductory class (full day) over one of the coming weekends. its free and i'm going to attend :D so whoever is 'game', up and ready to go please drop me an email cause ;) its gonna be a small class so let me know asap!

stay sane,
amyemeelea

seafood!

how many of you went to the sexpo?!! *ehehehehe*

finally managed to log in as my desktop for work is still on the way, but i doubt i will be online while at work cos the new ofifice uses dial-up as well :( i don't think it helps when every major media is reporting about how workers are using compnay time to do personal errands on the net while on the job *dehem!* i asked myself to put myself in my boss's shoes and will i allow my employee to surf the net for other than work related stuff? and i can't sem to really pin down an answer. maybe because i am in employee mode and still leaning towards my employee mode of thinking :P

anywho...che lynn! thank you for reminding me and its the mussles in lemon butter sauce recipe that i owe you *slurp* its fairly simple and i hope you have a great time trying it out and enjoying it with the hubby :)

you will need:-

mussels - 1 kilo that you boil in salt. pls try to scrub each and everyone of em cos dirt tend to stick and you wouldn't want to get sick after eating em.
butter - 2 tablespoon of any kind of butter
chopped garlic - a tablespoon of that or chop like 2 bulbs of garlic. not to fine not to coarse, depends on how you like your're garlic
nestle cream - 2 cans of it (its sold in a round tin regular sized from any ntuc), i like extra sauce so that i can dip into it with bread
lemon - you will need to scrape the skin off and squeeze the lemon and this depends on your tastebuds. u like it more u squeeze more you like it less lemony then add just a bit ;)
pre mixed oregano or herbs - i always choose mccormicks, again from ntuc or any major supermarket

what to do:-
1. you boil the mussels till they are cooked and set em aside.
2. get a pan to melt the butter and throw in the chopped garlic to fry till fragrant.
3. pour in the cream sauce and stir till you see tiny bubbles. careful not to burn the bottom. oh! do everything on low heat ;)
4. throw in the grated lemon and squeeze the lemon juice
5. taste the sauce and if you like it then get a big wok (kuali lerrr) and throw everything in. turn the heat up and give it a good mix careful not to let any mussels fly as you toss em hehe

and your're done! we did it once upon a time at nyce's place and it tasted ok. practice in the kitchen always helps the food to taste better and remember to cook with love :D as corny as it sounds, i have always felt that it makes the food taste better. don't fret if it didn't turn out okay the first time round cos nothing does turn out the way you want it to be espescially the first time otey...good to eat with any kind of bread and with the fresh garlic and butter and herbs you can mix everything together and make your own garlic butter!

so thats just about it now till something else triggers my brain for another exercise :P miss you guys! espescially poww ;) star lite star brite...hope you forgive me for last min changes the other day and jihn....i'm wishing to see you before you leave.

stay sane,
amyemeelea

salam terlambat...

with high hopes, the holidays must have been a blast for many ;) and if i ever said, did or even assumed of any wrongdoings to many of you, please do accept my humblest apologies. with promise *ifgodwills* not to repeat any of it in the future...selamat hari raya, maaf zahir dan batin.

i managed to finish my over dued assignment and thanks jihn for keeping me fairly awake towards the end of it! the new job is great and finally things are on a platueu and wishing it will lasts for a bit more. head is spinning due to damn migraine attacks *dehem!* and the weekend with terrors was fun and fulfilling. another round of classes coming my way and hopefully promises of new beginnings will fruit.

have good days ahead peeps and stay sane always,
amyemeleea

choosy..

me: eh babe! tomolo i working with you you know *happytired*

koliq toopid: ok....you alone ah? onie for one day?

me: yah lar..wait you want to the pang to the joe wait kenot mah..

koliq toopid: oh yeah ah...so, you want to come 11 or 12?

me: *yeay!* hmmm...ok! i come 11 so go home 8 ah?

koliq toopid: errrmmm...ahhhh...errrmmmm okay wait i call you.

*ring ring*

koliq toopid: amy ah?

me: ah!! ok so??

koliq toopid: eh~ you come at 12 can or not?

me: *blurblankAHA!!* can...ok. so i'll come 12 to 8pm. see you tomorrow *bingitgiler*

i am working through my last days with the company and i've gotten into the 'r.o.d' (run out date) mood. i can't wait to walk out of here and the weird thing is that my sales is getting better. maybe its because i'm happier (to know that i'm blarrdy leaving) and getting in the mood to sell isn't such a torture anymore! *clapclapclap* i'm posted to plaza tomorrow to assist the showroom-in-charge (koliq toopid *snigger*) because another guy broke our two front glass doors last friday. so no one is able to lock or unlock the showroom and working alone is impossible.

the point is, i can't understand why you gave me a choice when i am not entitled to any choices at all?!!! you obviously had to check with another ?!!! before TELLING me to just come and and and *breathes* anyway i hate hate hate it when stuff like above happens ...please do not give me choices when i have NONE to begin with!!!!!! >( >( >( >( what a waste of my time and every second counts tau tau TAU!!!

*readsaboveentryagain*

on the surface we let things like above bother and invade our inner peace and let all hell break loose. we curse and swear and bitch and vent *hurray!forblogging* but if you look below the surface, there's always something even more annoyingly irritating! like when will i will i be famous thingy! or how do we get these parasitic terrorists off our backs from shaming our faith!

:)

che a-HA, if you're reading this blog, i missed you and have always wished you the best, i look forward to the wedding next year ;) meeting you with the future other half was great and che nanin as usual giggly! i wish it was easier for me to be understood but you, che nanin, che lindot and che titot should have surely the 'a-mek dictionary' memorised and ready when we all gather :D this time toksah tunang-tunang lerrr...TROS KAWENG je!! go GO GOOOOOO cellaraid!!!!! hehehehehehe......

stay sane,
amyemeelea

sevenish perfectionish finish ishk ishk ishk...

for poww ;)

seven things that will scare me:
1. losing my mind
2. ok...death
3. eternal silence
4. ignorance
5. numbness
6. disillusionment
7. vision vs idealism

seven things i like the most:
1. my privacy
2. books and more books
3. reading
4. my harem
5. kids (yes...you big babies appeal to me too :))
6. animals
7. debates

seven most important things in my room:
1. you know who you are :D
2. my whole library
3. sinful instant gratification in any form *mueheheheh*
4. handphone
5. blankie of the moment
6. pen
7. paper

seven random facts about me:
1. talk very loudly
2. burp alot
3. enjoy being domesticated
4. have stagefright haha!
5. will do anything for a laugh \cheapthrills/
6. hate needles
7. used to have chronic insomnia

seven things i can do:
1. read the tarot decently
2. deklamasi sajak (recite poetry lar)
3. read anywhere, everywhere and anything
4. inflict a lot of pain if i really really really want to
5. entertain kids below ages of 7 and have all of them think i'm 7 too
6. cook
7. draw

seven things i can't do:
1. define love logically and coherently
2. pretend interest when you're on my black lists (the 's' is there for a reason)
3. talk rationally most of the time
4. find enough time to do everything on my lists
5. tolerate any holier-than-thou attitudes (espescially if they can't be bothered to practice what the preach)
6. touch my nose with my tongue
7. lick my elbows

seven words i say the most:
1. eh babe or ah minah (they tied at first place)
2. eeeEjit!!
3. wahlau
4. otey
5. shoot
6. "hi this is amy"
7. why ah?!

seven celebrity crushes:
1. jostein gardner
2. jalalludin rumi
3. enid blyton
4. paulo coelho
5. milan kundera
6. fatima mernissi
7. douglas adams

seven people i would love to do this!:
1. dad
2. mum
3. terror 1
4. terror 2
5. terror 3
6. cylernkilla
7. and everybody on my blogger list (okay...so i got greedy)

well...i promised myself to sleep early and wake fresh bright and early so that i can sahur, subuh, revise and leave early to run outstanding errands but just had to catch up bits. nyce called to 'catch up' and suddenly felt like i needed to touch base somehow and now :) my essays are due end this month and i have done nothing but read up tips on how to write in APA style lar, tips on creative academic writing lar, how to improve memory and mind mapping lar but didn't get futher than my squiggly first draft :P but as usual lar....procrastinate...procratstinate *ughh* i left my job last week and looking forward to a whole new beginning somewhere, somehow where i don't need to feel like i'm one of the contestants in survivor or any over exagerated reality show where pettiness abound; hopping mad around me like cute adorable but in actual fact, rabid dangerously fatal furry bunnies. and i really *muchmuchmuch* would like to kill and destroy these bunnies in the most inhumane possible ways. too bad most of the time these rabid fatal furry bunnies usually effectively disguise themselves as teamwork and understanding to my blinded by bootlicks, incompetent and stoooooOOOOOOPID managers in charge.

so...thats that and insyaallah this ramadhan will be best of the bestest time for me and us. it is always trying and challenging in a myriad of ways and may He bless us all with purity and peace of mind, body and soul. oh! and wealth in health!!!

stay sane peeps,
amyemeelea

fire my imagination...

wouldn't it be great if you could be someone who could fire another's imagination? imagine how sexy it would make you feel when that someone whispered, "you're my fire of imagination". then add, "which will never die".....:P

then imagine the opposite. not being the fire of someone's imagination. it could be equal to having very bad imaginations! you are the fire of thier imagination but imagine yang bukan-bukan! i mean, everytime they think of you they imagine... you're trying to hurt them or break thier heart and somehow it all makes sense even when the reality is just probably as simple as buying cheesecake as a surprise. doesn't it fell sucky? *bleargh* puts a full stop to almost anything for me. must be this very needy side of me. the one that always craves for attention and wish for a little bit of romantic-Ism everyday hehe.

*dehem* i can't really be sure now if i want to be anyone's anything *pout* don't think just do! or don't do till you think enough? its just a subtle distinction between that 2 but how many of us are sensitive enough to spot and feel the difference?

and sometimes i just wish these eyelids will close at will.....

stay sane,
amyemeelea

school visit...

so i signed up for this school visit to buangkok green medical park or used to be formerly known as woodbridge mental hospital. we were treated to a tour and a short intro talk on the history of the institute and a sexy clinical psychologist asked us why we wanted to join the profession.

the place was HUGE! and i really mean HUGE!! they've recently (march 2005) opened the 'sayang wellness center' and it caters to the rich and crazy hehe. then they showed us slides of long term patients and the wards THEY stay. the stark difference between these two will have to be the amount of beds they have for these classes. the c ward compared to the a ward has a total difference of 46 beds between them. yeap.....its 46 beds between them! my jaws drop literally. so anyway, stats show that we are not only going to have more older people in singapore over the next few years but more people will have tendencies to fall into depression, stress and ultimately go crazy more sooner. and the scary part is that i spied more than half the class smiling! what's so good about those stats?!! ;P but yeah you know, i know and everybody pretends not to know what we all already know.

and i met many intresting new characters in my course of studies! there's a girl of 24 years old and she spent the last 4 years in the army as a combat signaller and quit due to severe depression. then there's the baby of the group, another girl of 18 and a barperson at sebastian's and she hopes to do her masters and practice overseas then later come back to singapore when the integrated resorts get built, up and running (go figure) and then i also had the pleasure of getting to know another guy who recently quit his 3rd year at NUS to pursue psychology in hopes that he can emulate adam khoo (got his millionaire at age 26 teaching neuro linguistic programming) his current idol *phew*

repression is different from regression but both is equally painful. later today i will sit for my first exam *gulP* and i'm trying to put my heart and head together so that i will be able to breathe better. the day so far sucks save for memory specks of intense stimulation and i can't wait to find a solution for my anxiety attacks *breathesintobag*

till then stay sane,
amyemeelea

ps: happy beshday burstday powwsters!!

lessons..

i dropped the kids off last night but it wasnt a pleasant ending for my hansome prince. he was his pouty, sulky and helplessly drowned in selfless egocentric trip; all of it at four and half years old. i just had to smack his left hand when he used it to give terror 1 a good sock in her right eye. maybe i hit too hard? :s anyway....i felt very, very guilty and my heart cracked open a lil bit more to bleed unprofessed love, all too oblivious for my handsome prince to see hence understand that mama was just being 'mama' :) true....i don't get to see you everyday unlike most mamas and yes....i think i am pretty eccentric but FUNNY too!!! if you choose to remember all those happy family scenes we still have. the kisses, the cuddles, the drawing-on-pne-wall only policy and our nightly ritual of doas and stories. my only wish is you'd remember me simply as mama amy :) and to continue to 'hope' for me till you breath your last breathe. how could i ask for anything more when He has given me everything i could and would wish for when i already have YOU. and this is for the other two princesses too when i say, "if there was such a thing as unconditional love at this time of unthinkable and trying times ...i wish for all of you to remember and SING! Abang Barney's gay (as in happy) love song (yes...you know the one) and think of US".

"i love you, you love me

we are happy family

with a great big hug

and a kiss from me to you

i love you, you love me

TOO!"

stay sane,
amyemeelea

unconditional love?

for someone seeking for balance, the need to give and receive something so extreme is mind boggling. contradicting values...sense of morality depicts a tortured soul never at peace, not at rest..looking for perfection when it is already right here and now under our noses.

been busy at work (got caught surfing again by BIG boss this time!) and school. whatever little time i get to myself i spent it all on making the frayed ends of my poor poor braincells to rest. vitamins b and c is good for you and trying again not to relapse and start smoking again. nope, i haven't totally quit :P but hopefully i'd be able to keep on keeping these itchy fingers from reaching into my purse to buy a pack!

will be back soon to write and share with you guys stuff ;) and finally, just finally i have found my answers to the truth about altruism!!! :D

stay sane,
amyemeelea

the reason..

"All that remained was the scientific specialist, who knew "more and more about less and less", and the philosophical speculator, who knew less and less about more and more. The specialist put on blinders in order to shut out from his vision all the world but one little spot, to which he glued his nose. Perspective was lost. "Facts" replaced understanding; and knowledge, split into a thousand isolated fragments, no longer generated wisdom. Every science, and every branch of philosophy, developed a technical terminology intelligible only to its exclusive devotees; as men learned more about the world, they found themselves ever less capable of expressing to their educated fellow-men what it was that they had learned. The gap between life and knowledge grew wider and wider; those who governed could not understand those who thought, and those who wanted to know could not understand those who knew. In the midst of unprecedented learning popular ignorance flourished, and chose its exemplars to rule the great cities of the world; in the midst of sciences endowed and enthroned as never before, new religions were born every day, and old superstitions recaptured the ground they had lost. The common man found himself forced to choose between a scientific priesthood mumbling unintelligible pessimism, and a theological priesthood mumbling incredible hopes.

... For if knowledge becomes too great for communication it would degenerate into scholasticism, and the weak acceptance of authority; mankind would slip into a new age of faith, worshipping at a respectful distance its new priests, and civilization, which had hoped to raise itself upon education disseminated far and wide, would be left precariously based upon a technical erudition that had become the monopoly of an esoteric class monastically isolated from the world by the high birth rate of terminology...

.... Let us not, then, be ashamed of teaching the people. Those jealous ones who would guard their knowledge from the world have only themselves to blame if their exclusiveness and their barbarous terminology have led the world to seek in books, in lectures, and in adult education, the instruction which they themselves have failed to give. Let them be grateful that their halting efforts are aided by amateurs who love life enough to let it humanize their teaching."

- Will Durant, preface to the 2nd ed, Story of Philosophy

i spoke to my bro just last week and he asked me about school ;) i of course went on a spiel and yapped non stop for maybe 30 mins hehe before ending with a desperate i-need-help for assignments pleas. he, of course laughed at them and it distinctly sounded maniacally gleeful (dun ask me to mimic it pls) and said i should ask shikino to help me (tolak balak) and shikino (his wifey) smsed this morning and agreed to help tutor me!! *yeay* yes! i now have the 2 brainiacs to help me mueheheheh...

*eyesglazeddejavu*

We're just a year apart you see and once we had to 'coincidently' sit for o'levels in the same year together :p it was late evening and i think it was my day off from work and we decided to study together (more of a show for my dad i think! or was it the exams the next day?? :P) and so we sat on the dining table (bo, i can't remember how the table looks like :( ) to work on our 10 year series. it started off fine and i was happy that we were doing something that made our dad very happy and of course we scored major points that is until i looked through my e-math 10 year series questions and started to cry. i tried to laugh my tears away but it got worst and i started bawling! it was a mess of snorts cum giggles, mixed with a wee bit of tears and snot and then i did the pulling-out-my-hair sequence, going into spasms and slump over book scene; much to the amusement and astonishment of my said bro.

me: ahahahha *sobchoke* ahahawaaaaaaah~ *sobsobsniff*

bobby: eh?! *tryingveryhardtolookshocked* what's wrong with you? da giler ker?

me: aku tak tau buat ah benda nie!! *panicdistressedcrazy*

bobby: aper jer! kena belajar abeh nangis *manicgleefullaugh*

me: *sobers* :P~ panic wot!

eversince then he never passed over an opporturnity to relate that incident to anyone! so i learnt (yeah right) to never wait till the last minute to study for exams, and i still don't understand how my bro could sail pass o'levels and actually score distinctions just by squatting and rolling about his bed studying just before exams (tak fair!!). i tried but didn't work bah! and we share like the same genes!!

well, thank you shikinbo for the much needed support and the inspiration (memories too! haha) both of you provided. may the optimist in me prevail and i'd be able to get past writting argumentatively and understand the theories bla bla cconcepts bla bla AND most importantly able to form resolutions in prefect grammar lar aper kejadah lar ehk...*poohkananpoohkiri* and i promise not to quote p. ramlee in my essays :D

stay sane,

amyemeelea

found!

i found this very intresting blog, presumbly a singaporean studying? working in kuala lumpur, malaysia. and the most best-est thing about this blog is that is written in malay (quite good) and each entry begins with a psychology theory then the writter (blogger ah?) goes into a story spin. very much like those 'cerpens' or short stories you get to read (when you bother to) in newspapers, magazine (eg reader's digest :P) or a skinny paperback locally published and stuck hidden from view on the shelves till you're forced to read something (school, boredom....ignorance at gunpoint!).

i remembered nyce challenged me to write a full entry in malay (think i mentioned this before..sudden dejavu) and never had the guts to *yet* hehe. random scribbles aside, i haven't written, thought or spoken in fluent malay for a very long time! i used to have so much passion for the language. yeap, i was one of those geeks that loved my 'deklamasi sajak' sessions or poetry recitations and stayed, hung around whenever there was one (very 80's lar i know). the rousing emotions it raised, the pounding consonants and the ringing urgency.....the shrill thrill of going up there (anywhere) and spilling your guts out with so much feel that sometimes you can actually 'forget' the lines which you have learnt so hard. mohd latif mohd, suratman markasan....*bleah* names dwindle away from this faltering memory due to old age *haha!* but i was lucky to have met azizfakir who taught me the beauty of language. i have always liked reading but my accidental foray into elocution, debating, poetry recitations, dance, acting, directing and generally having the time of my life was only because i was most talkative in class and those who know will agree i might have swallowed a microphone when very young (no need to learn voice projection *beams*) so my teachers sorta always volunteered me into participating those deemed doomed (deemed doom cos nobody wants to participate one lah) ECAs. viva la indra kirana!! sweet sweet memories *dehem!*

well back to this guy nizam zakaria of nizamzakaria.diaryland.com, he's pretty good and creatively uses his 'personal space' to the max! go check him out okay then we can try hold a proper conversation in malay one of these days (i see many going 'gah!!!!!") or relive those orbit malay/english ldds days *muahahahahahaha*

quoted from nizamzakaria;
"bakat hanya boleh dipupuk dalam pengasingan" *suuuuuUweeeet*

stay sane,
amyemeelea

first day at school..

i was there at school by 7pm last night and it is definately the best feeling in the world to be able to feel like a student again! (otey so i know this feeling will not last :P) i got my student card *hehe* and 'scanned' myself into class *smirk* taking seat second row from the whiteboard *lepak* in my head i was chanting 'latebloomers' over and over again to keep me from hyperventilating. that was how jumpy i was for class yesterday.

*inbeiklinadmode* class was good..i like it and am definately going back again tonight :P on a serious mode. i did a lot of scribbling while out of action and thought i could share with you guys snatches of it :)

hitam kepulan darah bergelumang aku dalam kesal

berputar dunia tanpa walaupun sedikit cahaya nur iman

rintihan belas kasihan berbalas-balas tiada yang menyahut

aku terkapai mencari pegangan dalam meraung bebinggungan

resah dan batinku pilu dalam kesedaran

dalam celik tak dapat jiwaku nafikan tanpa

cahaya nur menjadi pengajaran duniaku akan tetap berulang

berputar gelap dalam kesedihan

tiada yang dapatku ulang menahan kesakitan tapi

ku pohon belas kasihan

tiap titik darah hitam mengalir aku kembali mengerti

balasan sekecil resah dan tumpahan darah mengalir

tidak akan bisa setimpal mengubati kegelapan yang aku akan alami

hangat pelukkan nur iman aku dahagakan

mungkinkah dapat aku merasakan panas pelukkan itu

atau nanti sejuk gumpalan daging mati menjadi hati

so there! i cant't translate it directly to english *yet* but now that's OFF my chest :P~ *heh*

stay sane,

amyemeelea

The thing about those black clouds…

Pessimism. As much as I hate (otey..dislike) pessimists, I think there’s something about being down and in the rut that makes you go reach for higher, further beyond the yonder to quit being in the rut and you end up soaring like a bird! Yes, everything else is or would always be a vicious cycle, like endless relationship problems hehe or that hateful *coughdislikecough* person you keep bumping into every now and then. It would begin creeping up your leg (mine does) first and slowly tingle by the back spine, stop and burn your heart for awhile before exploding in your brains into many a million little tiny light bulbs that flash so brightly that sometimes I shed tears *sniff* and we all know tears (especially with girls) can be induced by almost everything and anything. And mine just has to come from pessimism! They make an appearance almost always to show the feelings and emotions we all feel at that moment and usually misinterpreted too *pout* Its always together there when you’re happy, sad, angry, frustrated, melancholic, dreamy, grateful, remorseful this view called pessimism. And how I wish I could have the window to that particular view of those black clouds closed! *yeahright* And then probably I won’t waste so much damn tears and maybe just maybe will be able to see the silver lining that lines every cloud : ) black or white!

I realize how powerful our feelings are and how we are capable of changing the course of our destiny if only we could be able to seek that balance or push the extremes into our favour recently and the concept isn’t even new. It took a visit, a chat on msn, a phonecall and being shut out (hopefully momentarily) to make me realize what I wuss I have been to have wasted so much of those tears for nothing *hmmph* everything that has a function should be used to achieve its optimum charge and in this case I must find a way to tame me creepy crawlies pessimism so that I wont cry myself blind and not see those silver linings ;)

Heart to those whose still smiling and salut to those who has managed to always see that silver lining in every cloud!! I’ll remember how it is part of getting to know someone every time I run into a misunderstanding with the ahems and hate is really just a waste of energy on that someone or somebody when I do bump into you so instead I would sincerely smile and wave you off *likeafly* :P and yes…you’re never alone (quit thinking of Liverpool ehk :D and no matter if you do really really feel so cos its wrong ok..) and things will never be the same again at least for awhile but nothing, nothing would ever change the fact that we are all destined to be reaching for the stars! *cedeylargua!*

Stay sane,
Amyemeelea

dedicated to dew...

its always amazing how the words just roll off you like light frothy seafoam, not without weight always with cause. i wish i knew how to say happy birthday without being cliche! *gualagiknarcissist* but hepi beshday burstday che dew....moga dipanjang umur dan sihat walfiat selalu~~ *didampingiyangdisayangtersayangselalu* :P

only well wishesto her who describes herself best in her own words che dewbaby *salut* i always make a point to read and re-read your 'about me' ;) cakap-cakap pasal mirror nie kan i've never really gotten the real meaning of that fairytale, "the icequeen" lah....but that's just me always off tangent. oh puh-lease kidnap me!!! hehe..i wanna be trapped in the mirror you call 'yourself'.

oOoops...yeah back again to my dedication. *presentsdewwithsinglerose'purple'color* to someone who writes so so beautifully and to someone i hope to keep on reading for a vey long time to come :) have a blast dew! not just on birthdays lar ehk *wink*

stay sane,
amyemeelea

almost didn't make it...

Argument : moral values are to subjective concepts and we cannot always use these imprecise measures to define what is right or wrong.

True or false, yes or no? black or white or hey!! Its grey dar :P Do I really want to argue the above? Someone please S-L-A-P me!!! I am still stuck at the truth about altruism from years (3 yrs serious) back and its all going on a merry go round in my head. Would you rather be told bad news or good news or really prefer no news at all? *slapslapSLAP* oh! Now I remember…..

To welcome me back *again* and everyone most recent met and added ;) to my msn list, I have this simple recipe to share. Yes…me and recipes hehe (I am but a closet makcik), it was thought up impromtu and I do hope you guys would enjoy it as much as I did laughing over the name it was given while munching….

Buah pic tukang kasut aka peach cobbler (yang telah dirosakkan recipenyer dengan gua :D )

- tinned peaches (divide among yourselves) into bowls. You can use the leftover syrup in this but it was a tad too sweet and sourish ah for my taste so I drained them. Kept the juice for drinks maybe?
- milk, any type of milk. can be warm or cold (you decide or call a vote for it, democracy mah!) poured into bowl over the peaches. I like condensed milk and mixed with FULL cream milk!
- Hup Heng cream crackers as many as you want and crushed then topped over everything else….

TA- DAH!!! no baking, no nothing…..open and pour *yeay!* too bad I don’t have pics to add that I am a cooking genius! It feels good to be back *wavestoeveryone*

Stay sane,
amyemeelea

incognito...NOT!!!

i am undecided as to wipe out the past entries or not, then i thought...maybe i shouldn't think :P and ask someone ;) *justincaseandnotgetintotroublenomore*

i am having trouble editing or doing any significant changes to my blog and it sucks ah!!! yeah...i am technically challenged that way hehe and here, i had wanted to make reference to the use of ip addresses (i did a lil bit research on its use) but ho hum nanti it would seem like i was not letting 'it' down *gah!!* so instead i will focus on this latest entry....

*blank*

and i suddenly realised that i just lost whatever i had that i had prior to this! wait.......

- congrats naz and fandi for convincing good ole grandmum to care for baby alisya *ithinkthatshowitsspelt* the grand dame has been working for the last 16 years!! i'll see you soonest and smother the little princess i promise :)
- many, many hugs for shikino and booby *ooops* :P and thank you for making me feel cleanest ever, after last night at home (theirs) and also for making me feel very welcome. it feels good to be around family once in awhile
- a resounding 'chaak' to nyce aka shgp whose been missing in action probably *GULP* due to being the workoholic she is...you go girl!
- and well done to pausters! whose a lot more talented than i could ever be for the birth of yet another pretty pretty flippy blog hehe..and miss i owe an apology for not keeping up dates :) i'll try harder, i promish!!!!

oh! last but not least...i want to welcome me back!!!!!!!! *yeayyeayyeayyeay* and always pleased to have made that, yours and everyone's acquaintance :)

stay sane,
amyemeelea

ps: sesaper yang rajin tolong-tolonglah ehk ajar gua camner nak fiddle fiddle dengan blog nie *beamstaktaumalooo*

My glamourous exit…

I am amused. You are intrigued. But I am lost…what is your motive nie? Maybe I’ve been beating around the bush or going round in circles, even getting myself into trouble personally. It seems to me my presence does not bring positive effects on people rather it’s the same vicious cycle once again of famous infamous notoriety.

Chain of events at glance :-

1) someone tags shark ugly and liza bird brains on their respective tag boards on their respective blogs. They assume its me, nyce or poww because we have history.
2) Poww stands up for herself and informs me via sms about accusation. She cleared her name and got a public apology from liza.
3) Because I too didn’t do it so I went online and posted my two cents pertaining the issue exactly as to how another might have done or reacted to an accusation.
4) Issue is still not resolved because shark does not believe me and wants to see me in person.

So I re-read and analysed the whole brouhaha again and came to a conclusion.

1) if you are looking for an apology for all the things I said about you negative and positive in the past, online and offline please do accept my humblest apologies right here right now.
2) Whatever happened between liza and me is all in the past and I respect and understand your position as a good friend coming to her defense but I do not see a need for me to explain to you what went wrong.
3) If you think I hate you I do not.
4) If you think I want to challenge you I am not.
5) If you think in anyway I judge you specifically because you are liza’ s friend I do not but instead I sincerely think you are very sharp and it would have been fun to have a relationship somewhat. I admit I was selfish in doing so.

*sweepsweep *

In a single swoosh everything is to be swept under the carpet and what is not seen or talked about should not be mentioned ever again, just in case it goes Boo! And scares the shit pants out of you all hehe….

The above matter made me re-think of my purpose online (selfish ones…gua kan attention seeker) and after talking at length with the other half I have come to a decision to kill of jahat4ever as a persona online and offline permanently. Let its memories stay with me in my mind. With bittersweet regret for all that has happened and transpired and so sayonara, so long, ta-ta, goodbye to everyone online : ) it has been one hell of a ride and back!

Stay sane,
Jahat4ever

Not for the faint hearted or ignoramuses…

jahatisme: heard about the commotion and i dare you to conclude that its me who tagged you wrong. i dare you to do an ip check

Shakirah: IP addresses are stagnant. The only way I'll ever know is if you admit it

With that as a reply I conclude that some people are just too HUGE (literally too) for them to admit it when they are cornered or challenged. It is people like this who waver and shirk away when all that is needed to win the war is a solid punch. Too bad….like poww said “takde challenge”. I was erased from liza’s tag board, which is no surprise. I even expected it because why would she ever, ever acknowledge my presence but only in forms of near misses ;) as she did before even when I openly attacked her in rantnstinky. To prove that you are a bigger hearted person or more educated by simply giving in? Play cheat siak!!! Even better I think the next stand of defense is ‘can’t be bothered let God deal with them, we shall pray and hope that they get their just desserts’….tra la la la la~ or you wanna still be hero and meet me in person to tell me you do not believe me and I’ll have to just admit to the charge because you ‘assumed’ and did not conclude and to back yourself up a bit more you add, “What you're doing now, you're defending a friend lets say. I did the same with Liza. That alone makes me ugly? If that remark came randomly never mind. But it came right after I mentioned Liza in my previous post. So the not stupid part of me tells me it has very much got something to do with those people whose name she mentioned.”

Hilarious the self-parody, pity the play of words didn’t come out exactly right.

Why then do we have so much respect for the judicial system? Is justice really blind or has it always been the people working for and with the system that failed many innocents out there, maybe rotting in prison for something they didn’t even do. May I remind ms. Aphrodite that it is never random what you choose to write, say and do. And why is it so difficult to prove emotional unbalance or plead insanity because it is too easy to say and play the part of victim and there are only so few of those who are willing to go all the way to prove their imperfections no matter what they may be as their line of defense, in hope to clear any misunderstandings. Only then will they truly deserve our understanding and respect. We are blessed with the gift of intellect to help and guide us through our daily lives and hopefully get our kicks for fun and laughter with the kiddy stuff in life and even then we still risk to offend. Not just to take just any form of criticisms as a personal attack on one’s character or beliefs. A hit below the belt deserves another hit below the belt or elimination depending on your personal view of things. Or usually how the game is played in the first place, what are the rules, which sets the rules. Maybe in this case it is all very childish to begin with BUT some like ms. Aphrodite, poww, nyce and part of the audience have respect for the need for CONFRONTATIONS because we believe in what we say, do and think and for what happens afterwards (notwithstanding good or bad) we would want to be made responsible. Dare I say it’s a show of one’s Dignity *salutesallaround*

Case scenario :

Someone calls shark ugly and claims liza has birdbrains and does this under the cloak of annoyminity on the Internet for all to read. If you were either one of them, what would you do? How would you deal with it?

Just based on your reaction it will say much about who and what you’re made of. You are a victim only if you choose to be one : ) but wait! Shark did say she’d be back in awhile :D

Stay sane,
Jahat

Ps: as soon as I got to post this, shark came back with her stand and point of view :) And dite….gua bet anak gua lagik KIUT! :P

Whose the big bigger bigot-est?!

*toot!tooot!!* *toot!tooot!*

my phone beeped and the sms read “think your’re being framed amy…..” and after a wee bit of digging I found out what really the commotion was all about. Maybe my reputation supercedes me but this accusation of flooding ms. Liza’s (saikodelica) and ms. Sharkirah’s (sharky) blog amused me somewhat. She said and I quote,

excerpt:-

“I think its her because she did these things before. To say that I am judging means that you know for sure that I am attacking Amy based on my 'judgement'. Since you like referring to my entries, do more of it and realise that I 'assume' its her, I did not 'conclude' its her. The only reason why I think it is her is because she has done these things before and I have no other reason to think otherwise, yet. For all the things she has said to me and about me before, she has never apologised. But I do take pride in always being the bigger person (which I am literally). So if I know for sure it is not her, then I'll apologize. Noone else thinks its her,only I do. So no reason for anyone else to apologize.”

Earlier when the commotion broke out:-

“….Thank you Oh Sucky-Rah! If not for you I wouldnt have known this particular fact! Keep on enlightening me and telling me things I dont already know yaar? Meanwhile, Rock Suck on babe! You know you're a hell of a sucker! =)I heard the theme is 'childish' so this is my reply. You want more,just leave your actual nick. As of now I'm thinking its Jahat or her bouncer friend. Once I know who it is, I'll rebutt to your satisfaction =)"

If I can remember correctly and please refer to www.rantnstinky.blogspot.com (where I write as rant) for proof. Its archived and open to all, I have nothing to hide : ) I did what I did which is to defend myself and have a thing or two to say about what is being written here in blogdom. I am fully aware that what I say and think might be used for and against me so I’m pretty careful about who, what and why I blog about. They say the past haunts you like none other and a hell has no fury like a woman scorned or in this case called ‘UGLY’ and the other ‘PSYCHO’. By now I do hope the wronged parties have got down to the crux of the matter and straightened out whoever’s thought they had all the intention in the world to straightened out but puh-lease…..leave me out of it IF I have NO PART IN IT whatsoever. Liza I can’t be bothered but shark I’m tad disappointed because I had looked forward to a healthy debate sometime in the future, which is why I still read your blog now and then.

I happen to think ms. Liza is a sweet natured girl and she’s going to be a teacher after graduation from UM! Wooo-hooo! She’s going to earn big bucks (3k per month!) and no pushing of trolleys or licky-licky of anybody’s boots for her yes-sir-riee because she is way way above the rest of us who work as part of a flying crew or a sales assistant in a furniture shop like myself : ) to EARN our salary. And yes, I do not know Ms. Sharkirah in person but reading her blog (and I did make positive remarks about some poignant entries) I think she’s a person with a very strong sense of self and is a very loyal friend. I assumed that being a Libran she’s also very fair when it comes to her judgement or callings, never to impose or force down an argument just for ‘sakes’ but sometimes our emotions do runneth over :D and we do things that make us look childish, stupid, high strung and emotionally unstable. Hey! I’m guilty of it too, just look at my vindictive use of cunt as reference to ms. Liza before hehe and my use of 'metroposetan' as reference to ms. dee when clearly she's just taking sides for the sake of taking sides.

So dear friends, if you’re into mama-melodrama check on the blogs and do a flip over ;) it sure did made me sit up and think for a bit, but that’s another entry altogether. Hey! I missed the ‘tudung issue’, didn’t know I participated in one? Hrmmm….or it must have been my over-emo, nothing to do, old maid self that did?!!! >) its www.lamentinglibran.blogspot.com for ms. Sharkirah, then there’s www.polychromatic.blogspot.com for ms. Liza aka psychodelica but be forewarned she doesn’t archive her thoughts. Then there’s me here and here at www.rantnstinky.blogspot.com :D wonder whatever happened to innocent till proven guilty. I’m waiting for your rebutt-ALL ;)

Stay sane,
Jahatamyemeelea

Ps: and I always leave my nick as I am not and never will be a coward.

Fragmented and disjointed…

Ahahahahahah!!! And I had thought she would have erased us from her mind, heart and soul for hating her (hate, hatter, hattest???) or more like being ourselves really. But! I’m shocked as again a selected few were mentioned in undesirable tones on her blog, which has no archives for your info because she knows that it could be used as incriminating evidence against her. Well at least pauster made me laugh me flu away here in ulusiberia *achoo!sniff* with her reply on her blog. I do hope to catch up with both of you soon and shgp aka stinks just told me this very corny but true fact! Pauster, shpg and me are turning two this 1st July! Can you believe she could remember something like that? ;) I’ll try my very best to meet on Monday yeah huns but as I’m still very much under the weather and grouchy, I might have to pass. Unless you guys dun mind a bout of flu yourselves, so tentatively put me on the list and pray I get over this in a jiffy. My plea to get off an hour early today went unreplied and for that I’m going on MC tomolo! >) and I won’t be shy to ask for TWO days! *humph* serves you right for being so mean.

I am wearing a singlet and over that a long sleeved shirt and over that a turtle neck and on top of that a LAMBWOOL sweater and still its freezing!!! Ideal temperature should be about 22 to 24 degrees Celsius but I swear its like freaking 10 here! I swear if I can get a thermometer somewhere and prove to them that they are freezing me slowly I would! My body aches all over and my ribs hurt from the cough fits I’ve been having for the last week : ( and my lips are cracking, peeling from the cold. Thank god I’m back to parkmall next week and there I will stay till next month probably. I have confirmed class to start soon *yeay* and I do hope work is not going to give me any problems or worst tell me I can have the hours off *coughcough* worst case scenario I would have to look for a new job that will be able to accommodate my classes. So keep me in mind if you know anybody whose hiring hehe (I spy shgp going tsk! tsk!) its this cold I tell you! Its all bluey~~ and icky~~ and its making me so depressed. This is why I will never migrate to a cold country! I probably be stuck with flu for life! So unglam..red nose and all :P

My galpal whom I pissed last week smsed me and looks like I’m forgiven ;) *thistimeahem* and happy to report that I won’t have to grieve over the loss of a smart alecky friend with big titties :D I wonder what my elder bro would think of me taking up these classes and ‘kudus’ translates to ‘holy’ in English. Guns and Roses, November Rain is playing on the radio and I don’t know how many more times I need to go pee : ( I can’t remember if I can cook ‘lauk celok’ again cos I haven’t for the longest time. Hopefully when the lights go out on me tonight so will these doubts and dehem this flu!

Stay sane,
jahat

shock recovery...

I angered a good friend last week with a stupid question about her state of morality and got “doesn’t matter…pity about something something..” as reply when I tried to explain and make things better between us, no goodbye, no sign off and poof! I wonder if I should reply? I wasn’t expecting for things to all peachy and back to normal but I hadn’t thought that she could be so bitchy about it all when I made the effort (a few times of trying to explain) to keep damage control to its minimum. Well, even the hottest days cool at the end of each night and I’m hoping that she’ll forgive me. Then…I read with interest an entry made by platypus on the topic of recovery shags. How many people do you know uses sex as a tool to recover from a failed relationship? Would a question like this be categorized as stupid?

Excerpt:

“It has been said that nothing gets you over the last relationship like the next “fuck”, is this really true? Or is it the excuse used to justify self gratification and the healing of ego? (Which if we are honest is what it’s all about) Sex is all about pride and ego. And when the relationship fails, you have to learn to believe in yourself again, to believe you have value, to salve your pride and bruised ego and self-teach that you can actually pleasure another and receive pleasure from the same.Now I whole-heartedly believe you can't have a recovery shag with somebody you have feelings for, that both defeats the purpose of the selfish act and further complicates the issue since it invariably creates the horrible dating situation of the "rebound partner". But is having sex with another the ultimate “marker” that denotes recovery from a failed relationship?And if this is so what about those people who have affairs? Does the affair itself help them recover or rather further hinder the process?” – the platypus

I do not write half as good as platypus but I find the questions he asks himself engaging and I bet we all don’t get many chances to ask these questions ourselves. Personally, I think almost everyone uses sex as a tool to recover from failed relationships! But the question is why? Why do we choose to use sex as a tool to feel better about ourselves? Does it matter if you’re married or not because any relationship is a real as one that is bound by the holy sanction we call marriage. BUT! I guess its because we live in the age where having fuck buddies is common and there’s nothing strange or supposedly abnormal about it. Where its okay to say, “by making mistakes we’re accepting the fact that we are human and therefore susceptible to err and it actually brings us closer to God”. Sometimes wrong does bring us to right but to always choosing to do wrong? Wouldn’t that bring us closer to vice instead of virtue? :S Oh! Then we’ll always give that famous last quote, “I do not need you to tell me what is right or wrong, its my life/grave/problem (delete where applicable) and I’ll answer it for myself and only myself when the time comes.” And what do you ‘say’ to that?!!!

With that I promised myself to be honest and true and not sit on the fence or tactful and diplomatic when my morals are questioned. It could be the other half, it could be the kids, even you, you and you but give me time to paraphrase an answer and get back to you (within 24hrs) and if you don’t receive one it will just mean I’ve never meant to be honest with you from the start. Its all a joke! Geddit? Geddit? :P

Stay sane,
jahat

a revolution!

so the boyfriend aka cylernkilla recently purchased this 3G mobile hp and suddenly the whole world is about what's the difference between 3G and 2G? my guess is 1G? :P but we did our research (in the space of like 24hrs) and have kind of agreed on the kind of technology future we both need (ok...want! want! want!) so look out peeps!! i am back online!!!! or at least i hope to be more in touch then *yeay!* why this need for the most advanced and the latest everything especially now? my reason is for mobility and instantaneous information. then the downside of this will be all the wants turning into needs and the lack of privacy and mass media brainwash (you'll never know) and worst! i might just turn the other half into a junkie hehe...

i have finally decided to go back to school with the constant encouragement (yes even the reverse, perverse, morbid kinds) from *ahem* bobby and shikino, noorticataitai!! and of course the rest of the world.....i have decided to take up *jengjengjeng* a diploma in applied psychology *smirk* bring on your comments! >) i had wanted to to psychiatry initially for obvious reasons! *evilgrin*and soon world domination! muahahahah.....so why not a fine arts diploma or a marketing one or even a design diploma..well, lets just say i need to start somewhere and hopefully with this diploma as a stepping stone; i'm hoping for its ripples to turn into huge tidal waves that could be able to move mountains for when i'm wife, mother, sister and friend and yes in that order :D wish me luck aye?

and today i got a new friend asking if he could join 'jahatism inc'! i could see raised eyebrows (and more actually...eww! you disgusting people!) :P *wavestoLIL* forget the trash i told u in my earlier email hehe because there's no 'jahatism inc' for you to join as the club is already full ;) membership is closed long time ago lah but i can offer you lifetime friendship instead? and in actual fact, i used to know of a real boys club called 'jahat inc' way back when i still thought the world revolves around me and the experience was surreal! everyday was a new adventure and boy did we live on excesses. something magical happens when you attach yourself to a group and if you're accepted as one of them i guess there's no rush like 'i belong' rush to pump up hormones, adreneline and the feeling of electrifying love jolts you awake and you end up partying all day all night ;) *mesinggingelectricyouth!bydebbiegibson* but most of all i kept on to my memories by tagging it to myself so that i will never forget to feel pumped up, naughty but nice hehe just like how we have a pet name for other people and stuff. so when they call me jahat, ahart, heart or usually just minah! something magical happens just like it still does and for always.

so poww is pauster, stinks is ms. shgp, ayincurrent is matdonna, bobo is bobby and orashikino is just shikino, joe is berokman and his girlfriend ms. cicak and the list goes on and on and on but as to how i might be unique to you thats how you'll be unique to me *yeay!!!*

stay sane,
jahatamyemeelea

the veil lifts..

hiya guys...its been quite sometime and whoa did i get a shock when i logged onto the net for a bit of catch up time!! before anything else, thank you for the calls and i am fine by the way. better than fine on some days then its straight down to melancholic melodrama on other days! :P

not that i am complaining. i am glad to be back to the showroom, somehow the stint at the exhibition kinda frooze me up. i am due back to the exhibition this weekend bah! And i mean the whole exhibition was just like a ghost town! the place was entirely filled up with interior firms and the only form of entertainment was exchanging brochures with each other and going for smokes. which is why unlike the last exhibition, i was literally freezing to death (and not to mention awfully bored wallowing in extreme boredom!!). luckily, pen and paper normally works wonders for really really really bored people like me and with all that time on my hand, the other day i actually contemplated life (no i wasn't trying to kill myself but i would have if say i was you hehe) and our purpose this life *toootbadtiming* and that episode resulted to a heated row with a friend. you know how it works, you think of something and you just had to impose your thoughts onto another (what cheek! what liberty!) but lemme tell you this joke first...

Do you know the joke about the English Lord?

An English Lord said to his lady after the morning after their wedding night, "I do hope you're pregnant, my dear. I shouldn't want to go through all those ridiculous motions again.

HAHAHAHAHA ..... ????????

Well, some of you might get it and some of you might not and my point is no one form of communication and interaction is perfect and many a times even with a healthy combo of ways to communicate, it fails to reach to the other positively....well then the least is 'smile'! maybe nothing another says to you makes sense or plainly rude or even downright offensive but a smile tells of tolerance, not joy or approbation (so safe wot). we will always have very different views, and whenever our differences is about to make themselves felt too openly, one of us should quickly smile that smile to the other just to make it clear their friendship was in no way endangered. sms oso can put smiley ok so kenot play cheat ah >) and whenever i'm talking about friendships please auto-ruleout the ship you have with your other half and apply this rule with caution. somehow many of us haven't perfected the art of having our other halves as our bestest of friends. i for one still have overwhelming bouts of "will he understand wot i'm saying/doing?" then decide not to tell him anything or just tell him bits of everything (to confuse? :P) then wham bam...its too late. we're only human and humans repeat vice and virtue, juggling between them till no border is visible and everytime something is repeated, it loses a part of its meaning. Or rather, it gradually loses its vital force, that vital force which automatically, inherently, presupposes meaning. we sought for perfection but we work towards its destruction :( so to me repetition is only a means of making the border visible. and i for one also firmly believes that the line of the border is covered with dust, and repetition is like the whisk of a hand removing the dust :)

*crickcrickcrick*

so i salute you (if any) for being able to overcome the abhored generalisation of repetition as mere imitation and that all imitation is worthless because it is not if you really do think about it. be it for yourself or another and especially for cylernkilla, a promise for never i did make and as did another promise to stay true (yet again) to our promises but know that your forgiveness awoke something in me and i thought that feeling has overdosed a long time ago due to the lack of understanding. so thank you everyone for making my another day as fruitful and satisfying as the last.

stay sane,
jahat

romi & juli

boy meets girl thru a blind date.

they fall in love and promise to be together no matter what.

made promises and lived a blissful blessed love life doing everything and more.

till.....

girl receives mysterious sms from another boy asking for a date.

temptation...confusion but girl said yes to date and didn't tell boyfriend.

girl set night out with other gal pals and selfishly thought she could get away with lie.

turns out the other guy was a test by boyfriend to test her fidelity.

girl cries and tries to explain!

no forgiveness for liars.

she blew his trust and can only lament lost.

boy is hurt and might never recover by lies!

the end.

stay sane,

jahat

update..

i'm still stuck with auntie rose and its been so hard trying to get online. soon next week i will be stationed at suntec city mall for another exhibition (one whole week) and wont have time to log on as weel *poutpoutpout* i didn't get to see the tiny terrors this week and maybe not even next week. got to know from a friend that the green eyed monster left the restaurant and got a better offer somewhere else and i think that is why i won't be getting to see the tiny terrors, its got to be that the monster has found a job working normal rat race hours *dehem!*

my sweet pinky sis-in-law, ms orashikino got through her operation sucessfully and is resting at home *hugs* and my fat bobby will be taking days off to keep an eye on her to make sure she keeps to her diet and get much much rest as possible (okay, you all can puke now). she looks fine cept for a long tube poking out from her neck (draining purposes) and the naughty lymphnoodle has gone and sent for futher tests. we are all hoping that its not the 'big c'.

an old schoolmate found me on friendster! *gasp* and its very heartwarming to read another testimonial from orashikino, it made my day actually *beams* because i don't have time to pat myself in the back sometimes or give myself a lil bit of tender loving care that it needs (words do just fine, you don't have to come kiss my feet). i feel off tangent and my thoughts scattered but the need to place them somewhere in context and have meaning. i can't write when i have people looking over my shoulder ah! so frustrating *hrmmph*

ok gotta go!

stay sane,
jahat

Happy ever after…

I went to my cousin’s wedding last night, it wasn’t technically her wedding yet as its actually today that she’s getting married or has she gone through the solemnisation ceremony earlier or what? Well, I’m just glad I managed to squeeze in a bit of time and congratulate her myself yesterday. She was taking pictures on the dais and I just walked up to her to congratulate her and tell her that I can’t be present for her wedding reception tomorrow (and it doesn’t mean I love her less) but I promised to get her a real cool wedding gift. I told her she looked pretty and I’m being biased here *heh* and I could sense in her eyes the fear of uncertainities :P I was brought back to my wedding and yes it was intimidating for suddenly I was mrs somebody. All that responsibilties sure can weigh down a someone including make you look drab and listless.

Everyone (the rest of my siblings) and most of my cousins were there too and I had fun talking (gossiping) and ended up terrorising the young ones. It felt like I was there but yet not there at some point because I found myself laughing and then crying (almost) the next minute and all the while I was fliting around like a moth, hugging and kissing family whom I haven’t met in awhile. I regret not eating man! All because they served ‘tulang’…you know..’barbarian soup’ and I didn’t want to look oh so unglam hehe that I didn’t feel like eating anything (I haven’t done laundry thanks to the wet wet wet weather). Then it hit me on the way back, I found myself asking nobody in particular, “can a relationship work between two people who both decide to do away with physical attraction to each other?” So I took the subject back to cylernkilla to hear what he would have to say about it.

He said it was possible if they’ve been friends for a very long time and if it was a mutual agreement then why wouldn’t it last? So my thoughts ended just there. So much for a guy’s perspective huh? :D still feeling unsatiated I asked nyatangel for her opinion and even if it sounded ridiculous she answered me objectively and said that personally she won’t even agree to a relationship based on such terms. Why would anyone of the right mind do that?!!! But as with any other kind of relationships, ‘it’ has to start from somewhere and who knows where ‘it’ would lead us. What the end (we live, we die..what’s new?) is going to be and we all hope…hope for the best!

Well, I didn’t tell my cousin (or anybody else at the wedding) truly how I thought she looked last night and I thank god she was too busy smiling for the camera and batting her eyelashes at the other half to pay attention to anyone or anything else hehe…but of course I wish her all the happiness in the world and to live happily ever after but OF COURSE!!! You don’t really think I am such an evil person right?! Maybe I would if she’s reads this and then ask me later :D

Stay sane,
Jahat

self deals with truth..

They say kids can’t lie and more often than not the things they say about the observations they make of people, things around them is so instantaneously outrageous it’s enough to overwhelm even the most cynical or jaded. Love em or hate em (especially if they’re your own) I find myself in awe every time I care to spend time with my own 3 little terrors. How many of us have our little terrors to deal with and actually I am such a big baby too. Would I then be able to say I can’t lie when lying has become somewhat second nature to me? White lies are lies too isn’t it? So I have to decide what and which is the truth for myself and how do I do it?

I keep wishing for the pants (or underwear) of liars to combust and catch fire every time (which don’t! bah!) or lightning to strike or anything, as a sign but is the truth really out there? Once I cried my eyes out and got depressed when the terrors kept repeating that I don’t love them when I told them (again) the truth as to why I don’t come home anymore or the time he said he loved me but his actions told me otherwise. Or that instance when I found out my best friend was lying to me. Do we have the determination to seek it? Have the strength to face truth if and when it shows its face? Swallow bitter acceptance if you will allow?

I’ll admit I have taken a few liberties in the past and am not shy to say there were times when the decision to free myself from any form of restraint were usually outrageous by normal standards but I have only done what others would have liked to have done, had they had the chance! *nyehnyeh* but sometimes lies do help to ease a current situation but i firmly believe nothing beats the truth. Just as much as I want to promise never to lie ever again...reality is i suck :P but i need to try harder for the sake of my self.

We lie to ourselves each day (I know I do) in hope to be the perfect person we think we are and maybe the above proclamation is just that but I realized that if I were to take it just as that then it will never be anything more but just another ‘lie’. I wonder if I should have to strap a lie detector to myself just so that chosen others will believe me when I say….”I love you”.

Stay sane,
jahat

what crap..

haven't been able to do anything about the lack me time at the new showroom...my daily mantra now reads :-

"without passion there's no redemption..."

when i get better and more decided (whether or not to kill that someone!)....and get that new lappy!!!! >( i will come back with a vengence! *bencikbencikbencik!!*

It is time!

I have always been battling with my online persona ever since I created this this this monster :P and after countless, numerous confusing and downright heart wrenching battle episodes of confused identities with or without my friends (not to mention family), I have finally decided to stop thinking about being the personas I would be and instead just be me. After all, jahat is me and I am jahat and then my online or offline friends are still technically all categorized as ‘friends’ and the sole main purpose (one of many actually :P) is really widen my circle of friends (also family...err to avoid inbreeding? muahahaha). Then also keep a log of any polemical conversation that is of any importance and interest hehe….let’s power polarize our forged relationships!!

It is also this time that I will not be another hidden faceless name, protected by distance and shielded by handle but I will not guarantee that you will be able to generalize, even find me remotely familiar through this blog. Isn’t change constant? And if you agree then you might not even be the same person yesterday as you were today right?

And so I welcome you to my little own corner where what matters is the sharing and keeping it ‘real’. However stupid, small, insignificant, shallow or high-minded you think your thoughts are (as mine often are hehe) let’s decide over time if we would still be friends or that we will hate each other’s guts each swearing never to have anything to do with each other anymore!! Yet…you and I know for that briefest of time we did make the effort to keeping it ‘real’.

Welcome to the self-center friends, may you find you’re way in here and stay dammit!

Stay sane,
Jahatamyemeelea *waves to bobby & orashikino, pausters, stinks, hugsy, noorticataitai, pinkfloydmama and ritzlin* and *hugs to cylernkilla* :P