tired rant..

"The human heart has hidden treasure,
In secret kept, in silence sealed." ~ Charlotte Bronte, "Evening Solace"

i try to create a little changes when i can. me who is addicted to cheap thrills and all things nonsensical and usually pretty rude hehe....it helps keep routine at bay, inject a wee bit of disorder in my already disorganized life. but i can't complain because who would want to listen to the same rant over and over again. work, love and more mindless irritating bigots to deal with. some people can really write humour but mine i think is so dry even i can't swallow powdered snot *bleargh* eeeeeeeeeeeeeew~ otey that's just too difficult to even imagine.

so i joined a soccer team. i wanted to manage a band. helped to glamorise my girlfriend's events and then i am writing a novel. which incidentally is still in the works. the only solid support i have lately is myself. and ever so often, a good hearty hello or prod from the bestest muses i could ever have *nugdebiksetans* the terrors have finished their exams and it seems that they have outgrown the i-need-to-sleep-with-a-teddy-bear phase. again, i got sick and its ALL my fault for not taking any precautions *cough* :p or rather i am thinking i should be going around wearing a mask. for a while i think i did rid of the toxins draining me but i have a knack of sniffing them out in another form and go right ahead and shoot them up my nose. but kudos to me, i have managed to expel the facebook addiction *somewhat* muahahaha.

the songs i have saved in my playlists are still very sappy and i haven't gotten round to changing my screensaver or fiddled major with lapicits in any way *gah!* so much for my dreams of becoming a raod warrior. lapicits hasn't gotten around to lee kong chian yet. maybe as far as woodlands regional library where i managed to surf free! at least i MANAGED...such a tech dumb ass that i am. so looking back, i can change and am able to create that tiny drivel of creative vertex i so crave. yet like a top i soon, very soon lose steam again unable to spin again. i realise yet again, and clearly see my mistakes but am so prone to depend on others for validation. its seems that loyalty binds me to the most uncompromising beings. none too valuable if you ask me but why oh why do i bother as much *clutchesheart*

another bout of hibernation planned. not much to brag about but i am in hopes that change in the air will bring with it; gentle breeze of inspiration. soulful meanings once lost hopefully will make its scent tickle these numb nosey senses of mine to a life going forward a bounty more fruitful. ah *sigh* the optimism of youth *LOL* you fall and if you are lucky, you'll look up to an offered hand. if you're not, a slap perhaps. either way be thankful that you are alive to feel the warmth of a firm soulful grip. if not the smart sting of a reminder that its nothing personal, just another bitchslap to wake up and smell the bloody shit hell hole that you have actually managed to fall into. maybe you deserve it because you keep falling into the same hell hole again and again.

i shall let my secrets lie safe for the moment as i have released it. with hope and trust that it shall lead to forgiveness and turn into good. like shit turning into manure hehehe...have i hit my head somewhat or had the hits in the futsal cage zonked my already singed marbles? well, god knows.

till then, stay sane if not as sane as you will ever can and will be. nothing feels more sane that to laugh and cry at the same time.

toddles.....till the next ramble ;)

amyemeelea

realisations as they come..

“Your intentions create the reality that you experience until you become aware of this, it happens unconsciously. Therefore be mindful of what you project. That is the first step toward authentic power.” ~ Gary Zukav as smsed to me on August 26th , 2008 by my wanderlusts muse.

A few more days to Holidays and bummer are the facts that my pay is not in yet, or that some going ons in my life are not as how I would want them to be. The terrors mope and cry about not being able to see me today but I steeled myself against the erosion of salty tears to come with the slick warmth of glowing positive thoughts. Hard as it may be but very very possible.

It’s hard to accommodate to every whim and request. Especially when it comes from people and values that you put way high up on the top of your table of priorities. I can be bitter and cynical, even stoically calm at times but at the end of the day....I am still human. Although at each time or in such instances, I like to comfortably slink back into anyone of my personas for ease of easy to read moulds. I could be the Cheshire cat, weird and gaunt in looks and feel. Maybe even the ubiquitous desktop giggle dispenser in bright neon pink! *thatistheonlytimeilikepink!* Then I could be also Amie, my hair blowing in the winds of cold melancholic nights beside the beach under the moon, my eyes grey with specks of green and gold reading aloud from the book of O to a chosen one mouthing silent arguments; pleas of understanding. My favourite has always been the confusion and gamut of jahatamyemeelea, a mix of extreme hyper confusion sometimes wanting to be known yet at all times in search of solitude. Yes..I revel in my wide array of personas and not a single one of them is less real than the other. They will bleed and overlap in each other, fighting for space to exist but never have I been saner than just being one. Accusations of what is real and spotting of who is the paragon of my true self never bothered me. Jolts of cheers and the scores of boos will boost my life to steer me in its ups and downs but I never felt lost *oteyonceortwice* as I knew and respect each and every of myself intimately for what they each believe in and hold close to their hearts. I am who I am because of the presence I feel and that I still hold true to validate what it means to be present in any situation even when I feel vehemenantly that I do not belong.

We could be one and then we could be all.

What struck me most very recently is the constant reminder that one should keep silent if there isn’t anything good or pleasant to say. So the assumption to non replies is logically ‘not positive’. Silence can be deafening and that is worst punishment one can be able to endure and seek meaning in. Why, music without words is not without the tugs and pull of the heartstrings and no wonder souls seek the purity of the unspoken rather than rely on the accompanied words. Because words are meant to clarify and enunciate what is in the heart, mind and spirit but yet because of its nature of duplicity and fragility it always is just gets lost in translations. It is just another vehicle to set life at still in motion isnt it? The combination of all that exist is up for grabs for those who have the courage and knowledge hence, pick your weapon of choices with care and the clarity, hold to the ideal of peace not unlike a general heading to war. Isn’t life worth fighting for? And whose life is most important and not precious as yours and those who matter.

We communicate at all times be it consciously or under the stealth of anoyminity, riding on the our vehicle communication of choice, but all that it means is the need rise against the struggle to be ourselves by associating ourselves with common labels strewn under the guise of how, who, what and why we mean to others. To seek that delicate balance so that that we don’t fall into our dark mean recesses is a very general role ideal to most of us. Actions lead to who we are; I think therefore I am. And I quote because I can! *muahahah* as to me nothing is original *teehee* ;) And I stay silent because I want to believe my aunthenticity is real just misunderstood because the other is ignorant. It is difficult to walk the less trodden path but who is to say that being happy running the wheel as a rat or cute hamster is less fulfilling? :) Be what you want! Work for that utopia you want to realise as there is none but the written destiny in your stars to realise.

Slash/ignore *ifimaycreditittoanoriginalsoulorsoulswholayclaim*

So to some, I honour your intentions as I receive them through the universe and I shall still pick and choose my personas as I deem fit. Just so you know that I was never silent and I was never out to hurt or maim. I seek only to live and find my own meaning of what it is to be myself. My past, my present and what the future unfolds to be read in my actions or maybe as laid out by the cards or swayed by the winds of change is me and non other. And if you had any inkling of how everything has truly a meaning, you won’t be silent or leave it to the universe to make me understand you. Leaving life to fate could take to mean anything. How about those ass-u-me assumptions that we so often fall prey to? ;) You eat and can still be eaten *hehehehe* puns always intended *jeng!*

Then again, the roles we take on and the meaning we seek changes every minute and every second. I pray and hope that your choices and eliminations will give you the meaningful life that you seek. Your prerogatives are my guides because I choose to be human neither a thing nor an animal. I truly believe enlightment only comes to those who endure and have the determination to push against any moulds or barriers and once found it will be murderously difficult to fathom its forceful directions. Maybe I could be deemed as lost and as misguided by any but we all look at the same stars and we all hold on to our own interpretations of faith. There you sit on your high horse or look down on from your pedestal of truth. Yet humility touches us at random and at times, we seek the solace and ambiguity of just needing to be. You, me, they and all are only as different and unique as our own fingerprints yet to the core basics we all bleed blood - o, a, b or separated by the negatives and positives. So please don’t mind my ramblings nor are my actions when it gives you any sensations because you have decided, THAT is IF to YOU.....I am NOTHING.

Yes...depersonalize me, and judge me all you want. Place me where nothing dwells if that is where you want to place me and I promise you nothing will I be. I am who, what and why you want or need me to be. No rationalisations needed nor will there be regrets and apologises needed because I just have ceased to be in your world of being. If you do believe that nothing is really nothing *checkoutthevalueofvaccumsmuahahaha* My wish and hopes always have been and will be; to be given the freedom of life as it is given to me and to honour and respect yours with very breath I am allowed to take.

Stay sane yous,

Jahatamyemeelea is looking up to the heavens and gives thanks for the moisture i emit that runs from the cold surfaces from the mirrors of life.

from the shadows of the den...

the self emerges but not after being blinded the the lightness of all beings :)

reminds me the story of the men in caves in Republic by Plato..as an allergory of many all of us live in caves of ignorance. if not total ignorance *sometimeunavaoidable* then in relative ignorance because that is all that we know. when people are faced with the truth, we first shirk away, hide and cower in fear back to the lives that we know but when you continue to face your shadows, it gets much easier easier to handle. you'd be craving for more in fact! so the people around you will find you wacky, crazy then maybe a danger to society but you don't care...as once you've tasted the truth, you won't ever want to go back to being ignorant.

for full story ----> http://http://webspace.ship.edu/cgboer/platoscave.html

dang! i wish i could do nicer links :p *BIKSSSSSSSS!~*

but then each our truth differs of course, by our many biasness and then influence of experience. i do not want to sound so bleak nor do i want to read despondent *lol* but then hey hey! i need to vent :p of tempers flaring and then some inevitable breakups. the espionage of darting around in after the shadows then running amok with wild accusations of hidden motives and intentions *sigh* so i note that librans prefer uncomplicated lives but yet they idolise thier inner divas. aquarians seek the stability of constant reassurances if not the heightened drama of thier own carved niche. stay away from hybrids! and never fall for a sagitarius if you do not want to get burned~! BAD!!!! taureans are generally weird cows that moo and then surprise you with milk that will tempting dark chocolatey noir with enough bite. nothing is original! play scarbulous and then kinda mix it all up and you'd get randomness..or some swear its creativity at its peak *coughcough* scorpios sting themselves but live long enough to tell the tale and then there are those the aries, fiery and raging under simmer of stoic calm. the leos stylish and proud to the hilt if not they slink back to empty dens to chew on bones of contentions. pieces of the other zodiac signs i have yet to make minute judgements but lets have it stay at that. orh and me? what about the capricious capricock whose dull at times tinged with melacholic despondence *hiccups*

am trying to steer clear of all things bad is one thing but to go loco and join a futsal team is another *hehe* He finally answered my prayers and i got to meet with mama baru \daSTEPMOM/ and can i mention the silly or rather obnoxious green eyed monster of my ex celebrated his 2nd year wedding anniversary when it was annouced he just got married early this month *gofigure* but all that i remember this week is that you lose much but pick up hidden treasure along the way.

the terrors likes the song below by Unggu \a indonesian band yeay~!/we actully youtubed for the song and liriks :D and terror 3 did a lil dance to it. of course they asked my why i cried afters but that is another entry altogther ;)

Andai Ku Tahu
Andai kutahu
Kapan tiba ajalku
Ku akan memohon
Tuhan tolong panjangkan umurku
Andai kutahu
Kapan tiba masaku
Ku akan memohon
Tuhan jangan Kau ambil nyawaku
Aku takut Akan semua dosa dosaku
Aku takut Dosa yang terus membayangiku
*Instrumental*
Andai kutahu Malaikat
Mu kan menjemputku
Izinkan aku Mengucap kata tobat padaMu
Aku takut Akan semua dosa dosaku
Aku takut Dosa yang terus membayangiku
Ampuni aku Dari segala dosa dosaku
Ampuni aku Menangisku bertobat padaMu
Aku manusia
Yang takut neraka
Namun aku juga
Tak pantas di surga
Andai kutahu Kapan tiba ajalku
Izinkan akuMengucap kata tobat padaMu
Aku takut Akan semua dosa dosaku
Aku takut Dosa yang terus membayangiku
Ampuni aku Dari segala dosa dosaku
Ampuni aku Menangisku bertobat padaMu

toddles peoples *sobs* salam Nuzul Al'quran yang akan menjelangs *salams*

stay sane not angry angry depress mepress~,
jahatamyemeelea

Hateful conversations...

Che Tash: Kak mi..Do you want to have dinner with me?

Moi: Set arh! We can catch up with each other and unwind over dinner. It’s been a long time since I saw you anyway.

Che Tash: Sounds like an idea. We must find a place that is not crowded; food is good and also cheap? *winks*

Moi: All above me agree and concur.

Che Tash: so what about if we were to go eat yong tau foo at lau pa sat?

Che Tash: or maybe popeye's chicken nearest to your place? *drools*

Moi: You feel having Popeye’s chicken ijit?

Che Tash: Nice wot? Not nice meh?

Chet Tash: Well, you are the one who is buying anyway so I’ll gladly just tag along.

Moi: Tash, kak mi nak pegi berak japs aarh. BRB!

Che. Tash: oteyS~

Moi: Back! I feel like eating nasi lemak.

Che Tash: At changi? Isn’t that too far away?

Che Tash: Actually I don’t mind nasi lemak at change. I love their chicken wings!!

Che Tash: So have you decided where we should meet and eat? Can you also help me buy something along the way? Near your workplace there is this fantastic shop that sells cheap hair clips!

Moi: everything also ask me

Che Tash: 1 more hour to go!!!!! I can’t wait to see you! Ehk? Why? I am not saying you SHOULD buy for me those clips and I can decide for dinner if you want. You just can’t say NO and have to agree with all that I decide.

Che Tash: Why so silent? Are you angry? Or maybe busy now?

Moi: *smilelikegoat*

Che Tash: Otey, shall we just go ahead and eat at lau Pa Sat since it’s nearer to you? Or we can make the trip down to change for nasi lemak? Is it too far? There usually is a LONG queue there you know.

Moi: If you don’t want its okay we can have murtabak.

Che Tash: Err….when did I say ‘don’t want’? Which part was it?

Che Tash: Tell me if you want me to decide?

Moi: nevermind…I will see you at city hall then we will make our way to lau pa sat to have dinner. Then afters, we can have coffee. Ok?

Che Tash: Ok.

Moi: Don’t be late!

Che Tash: yes. See you then...


**tell me who you hate most? The annoyingly sweet always wanting to please che. Tash or plain me?

Stay sane,

Jahat

wet wet weekend...

"It is great folly to wish to be wise alone." ~ Francois de La Rochefoucauld

Charity Rant…

bukan sharity elephant otey :p

I take offence relationships being likened to politics but I guess now is now not even going into forever. In any relationship and social setting; especially when you use the term ‘politics’ to describe your gang *wow!girlpoliticsbitchy~~* It means to me that all actions, practices and policies within that social group has long been establish. In affairs as such or business *especially*; competition between interest groups or individuals for power and leadership (in the government) IS RIFE! This political life subscribes to its own code of what is norm and its ethics can be described by its principal activities or profession. We like holidays, have been through very tough times, loves bitching and raving mad for laughs or could be just shoes hehe.

You will involve yourself with its opinions or sympathizes with a person and more often than not, you bring yourself to anguishing turmoil trying to make sense of the total complex of relations between people living in society (please ehk try to keep track, don’t lose your brain cells now?). You try to place yourself and find yourself in any particular area of experience especially as seen or dealt with from a political point of view. Is it office politics? Is it ethnic policies? Or maybe identity politics? :p orh!!!! Its girl politics dar dey!!!

I was asked or rather openly hinted about my involvement in girl politics. Labels I still collect and accusations and assumptions I still deal with. So today’s charity rant homes down to but what are my motives? Or simply the question implies to my emotion or desire operating on the will and causing me to act.

GAHH!!!

i.feel.my.forehead.throbbing.violently.as.the.label.AMY.PANDAI.sears.my.forehead *muahahaha* excuse me while I feeling harry potek.

Answer is :: Like begets like and love begets love and I believe the rest will just flow. May I quote biks here? “Because we exchange precious commodities we keep close to our selves, our trust, our hopes and of course our ideals.” I love being in communities and society in general. People are my passion and who am I if not a reflection of you? Hence yeay I am the friendly fucker who serves all and fuck all.

So today, it all lies in attitude. I am very much aware how some prefer to adopt reject all temptations or ‘hair of the dog” that do not sustain or respect your need for space, encouragement or your hearts desire. But I still catch no balls as to why those who are insecure are usually the ones to misinterpret things. Should it not be the other way round? And what punishment should be mete out to one that who has potty mouth? See! So many many points of contention to fiddle with enthusiastic glee. Or are confrontations necessarily good for all situations and then if so, who can be one who is an objectively fair judge? Fuck the norms but what are norms? Since you live by your own creed, must I too just so that I can partake in its all glory?

In recovery *kopekshell* Our mutual losses or experience deserve to be acknowledged or remembered with dignity, honor, and respect even as we regroup to move forward. Whosoever is willing to work on forgiveness and letting go of the past in order to find peace, I guess. For now, it's time to give it a rest. Let's just empower by stillness and this is when silence is virtue.

This I know of enlightened beings…they do not want to be known but their light penetrates through the blackness of the most hideous nights. Hence they will attract all manner of the lost. We are teacher and students all at once, are we not? But are they aware of their responsibilities? Its tedious journey? Can they stand to be weary? I am not sure when their belief and attitude is, “It’s been nice knowing and not knowing you”

Stay sane,
Amyemeelea

ps to self:: lost my claws or yet to be sharpened cispai!!!!!!

done and over with...

it was raining very hard. ok computer of radiohead was on loop as i tried to make sense of it all *still* in the shadows it was hard to make out his set features. i just wanted to fly away in my ballon far far away. and this time i have.....

When I consider how my light is spent
Ere half of my days, in this dark world and wide,
And that one talent which is death to hide,
Lodged with me useless, though my soul more bent
To serve therewith my Maker, and present
My true account, lest he returning chide;
"Doth God exact day-labour, liht denied?"
I fondly ask; But Patience to prevent
That murmur, soon replies, "God doth not need
Either man's work or his own gifts; who best
Bear his mild yoke, they serve him best. His state
Is kingly. Thousands at his bidding speed

hrmmm~ who was it ehk who wrote this piece? :s but yesh, at times when faith and belief wavers...the minute details all gets lost...till i update ;)

stay sane till the sun peeks,
amyemeelea

life is a beach...

and we sent a happy picture to biks as a note to reconnect via the teeny tiny waves made available via *yeay!* technology :)

a waaaayyyyy load of things dawned on me and tadah! death numero 13th set its sight on me. and its probably final, to crumble and acknowledge the fact that i should be taking my own advice more often than i should *kanpai!~* like i haven't been on repeat mode often enough. new labels to put up with and hell crying clown made a show this week too! *cispai* a huff and puff around ulu orchard hunting for kenko fish and then a hike up fort canning to go a hunting with my spanking new blowpipe *wearingheelsmindyou* but i heart so much the swipe away the flying cockroach biks...*hehehehe*

then it was a celebration~! of a meet way past due at length of years! *sheepish* still it was a blast to the past mummy dearest. as we tango and toiter on sangria and bubbles of high in of all the holy places in the wee mornings. you are as fab as always, solid and grounded as you can ever be. maybe your sting of death missed its points but they did not lay to waste. i am glad it all worked out for you...albeit hard to swallow but love is as such lar...we don't gripe for nothing..let's reserve THOSE for the unmentionables ;p

mama terror picked the terrrors for another lets celebrate the national holiday to a family trip at the beach. we took long walks in the dead of the night and to the early mornings just wearing pajamas *lol* a refreshing dip to remain awake and off we go to look forward to our found future. ahh~~ my eldest never fails *sigh* makes this mama proud to bear witness you ALL were borne from these loins. an sms at 2 am stopped me in my tracks but again i misunderstood *haiz* what made me go on forward was both love and faith tugging me onward.

still scattered and much bruised...*wavesatmew* but that's added load to carry in my backpack. needed load in fact to hone my instincts. ready now or never *ishhk!* definately not a closed chapter.

please sally's boyfriend! cut of my damn leg!

stay sane,
amyemeelea

ps: hello al lapicits *hugsandfiddle*

comeuppance...

*phew*

the last of the destructive feelings have dissipated...of course he is way too smart for me and wow! does that make him even hotter or what? *woooooah~!* there is something to be said about guys who can turn you on as such. well its too late to apologize~ toooo late!!~~~ and i am definately feeling the heat...*crawlsbackunderstone*

but...yes, what comes round goes round and hence one must pay penance and drag oneself back to what matters most.

you definately live up to your name ;) che. killingmesoftly (if not silently) hehehehe...the silly thing is, this heart only grows fonder and ponder-OUS *ifthereissuchawrod!*

heads up! chin up! the world is your oyster and may a blanket of pearls cover your walk in search of fate..

i bow humbly still before the anak raja muda :)

stay sane,
amyemeelea

what really matters...

is to stay true to who you are and what to you is right. Our own prerogatives definitely and instead of trying to control situations, our willingness to be present emotionally and without judgments (please add with ALL the uncertainty that judgments can produce) is the way to go.

Online or offline.

The cat says to Alice in wonderland, “Bravery and I are not on intimate terms. My natural curiosity is tempered with caution – thus I've lived long. But now, ignoring my instinct to flee or fib, I speak the truth without regard to consequence. Your courage deserves no less. You've suffered great pain and you've caused some; you've endured deep grief and feelings of guilt; but you will be tested by a more wrenching anguish, Alice. There is worse to come. You and this Red Queen cannot both survive. You are two parts of the same..."

So of course you want to do what is right. Just as Alice often wonders why she is chasing after the rabbit and having to deal with the mad mad queen. She braved even the mysterious cat. Deep down just like Alice you will twist and turn to wrench away the knots in your belly as you take on life situations and tackle overblown perceptions which are often shallow. the cat reminds Alice yet again that her journey is not the end with but the cat does infuriate Alice with his clues. *muahaHA* Many a times, someone’s hurt feelings TEMPT us to say things we don’t really mean. The ignoramus will of course swallow it in literally when it’s not about what we said, its more about HOW we say it. The body will reveal hence solipsistic introjections will stay as introjections especially on the web. Meeting face to face and having a physical bond will seal the deal even more so. If your needs are different from what another person wants, it's okay to admit it as long as you do it kindly and without putting any blame on him or her in the process.

I say, my say or who says….be prudent ;) be brave…me is alice too...

and stay sane! if not saner than before you lil monkey!
amyemeelea *fazedunfazedbyallthehullaballooo*

I defy you…

Recent developments around me makes me squirm uneasy. Have been trying to anchor down this dis-ease to something tangible, hopefully leaning towards the positive…then at the bottom of it all…the solution from digging and sorting through it all suggests that my power today lies in defiance. We are willing to reject the sure thing or accept excommunication to try to make it on our own rather than endure the status quo or submit to conditions that assume we are invisible -- in this, we have nothing to lose. We accept responsibility for the difficulties ahead and do not seek pity for having chosen against the grain. I am empowered by mutual support and my assets are self-worth, hope, and pride.

Analyse this!

Stay sane,
Amyemeelea

The cacats..

“It is the feeling of inferiority, inadequacy and insecurity that determines the goal of an individual’s existence – Alfred Adler (1927) Understanding Human Nature.

So to you…maybe to shed more light on those feelings that are intensely convoluted, do what you do best and then shed it off. Revel in the feel of new skin as those tears awash you with feelings of humble gratitude. Be very afraid of what you wish for and then ask youself again if this is what life must be. More hurt, no meaning *arghhh!* and then the cry all the way falling down to the very bottom of your guts is just an indication of another growth spurt upwards ;)

Sometimes through this all which seems to have no end, you must remember that this is your life and should there is no one to pick you up and tell you the all is alright, close your eyes and you will see sparkles of light. Yeah, there is a very scientific explanation for that but then science does not explain everything. Do not believe for once that you will find answers because there are no answers. For all the truth that you seek, there will be biasness in action. Fight it internally so that it in turn can act as the protective shield that could only be yours and yours alone. No one can penetrate that if you won’t allow. But why should you put up barriers in the first place if the goal is to be known and understood?

I may be no saint and hell yes I could be certainly devilish but you, me and them we are all the same. There is no one side of the story and could we ever think of the infinitum of time? In the name of preparing for the worst and then go OOOPS! When we burst yet another artery *toolate* People die from aneurysms…like my mum did :) knowing you risky devil, you might just jump blind and take the leap of faith.

Believe and you will become…never underestimate your power.

Stay sane,

j@e *asyouknowme*

Immediate reaction..

You are never going to have to worry about me anymore. Yeay!!!! Please worry more about your family and keep up the very good work as a husband, a brother and a son-in law. To whoever is your role model, I hope they will forever keep you in stead.

*bows*

Takyah lar nak cium tangan aku, tak pernah pon kau nak buat.

Jangan lar nak tiak aku pakai pangkat, oi dan ah aper nak pon ok. Lebih-lebih buat berat jer mulut tue.

Takmo lar pikirkan pasal masa depan aku, memang sudah tersurat pon. Masok kubur pong sorang jugak betol tak?

Tak perlu lar nak tanya khabar kita buat sedih kau jer. Harap kau sentiasa tenang.

Toksah lar nak marah-marah hentak-hentak meja nanti saper nak bayar kalau pecah.

Terima kasih banyak untuk segala moga Dia saje yang membalasnya *Amin*

Ehk! Jangan lupa tau! Kalau saper tanya cakap jer aku kan degil abeh bully kau mesti dorang percaya!

;D

Stay sane,
Aku dan aku dan aku….

Men are Pigs…

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/index.php?term=pto-4231.html - Love’s Loopy Logic

“Women using a 'men are always pigs' decision-making rule may be more likely to actually end up with honest, committed, and long-term-seeking males," insists Geher.

I would hate to have to summaries but tell me please about what you think about the article linked. These past few days have been pretty tragic to say the least and my heart goes to You and You :) where I quote from our msn conversation, “At the end of the day, only you and you alone knows the state of your relationships and yes it is hard to know where it finally leads to…”

So have heart, the most important thing is not to be swishy washy with one’s decision. So for the most of us *ladies and gents inclusive* it is far better and more conclusive to hold firm to the clarity of white or the darkness pitch-black of reality to have a clearer mindset of what holds for each our destinies. While I truly agree that sometimes the toughest things we want to hold on to requires fierce fight but then walking away clean can be of a better option for most. In cases like myself, where as a single mum aka divorcee with extra baggage it all boils down to the future of the kids. We base most of our major decisions over their future rather than setting the future on ourselves. Again my che. J4S summarizes, “I know I need him and love him but at the end of the day I do not want to end up alone.” As compared to another’s stand where she feels that self confidence to move on with or without a partner is simply more realistic. I concur because why would you want to bear with the endless heartache of pondering over his non-commitment. But for the sake to maintain proprietry Who loses if everybody wants to win and haven’t you heard the biggest winners were losers first.

Men and women are simply ‘wired’ differently because men do not generally invest as much as women in a relationship hence the roving eyes BUT as the article pointed out again *for those gender sensitive* "Biased mechanisms are not design defects of the human mind, but rather design features," so the ladies to are prone to their own set of biases too *like for expecting too much hehe*. Most importantly is to be in the KNOW and use that knowhow to empower yourself optimally. *I see many pointing to me and going how IDEALISTIC!* but then why not? *ponderponder*

To Her who has been tested with one of her biggest hurdle yet, only time can tell the truth and I am totally against of banging hard on the table for a definitive future *unless set as guide* Which I know from our conversations to be ‘NOT LETTING HIM INTO YOUR LIFE AT ALL’ especially after all that has happened. “Men are Pigs - so move on psycho talk” can do only so much very temporary measure but the endless possibilities of seeing only a future open to ALL possibilities does much more. Think about it ;) Because at the end of the day, we are born to be so super resilient *points to evolution* and come what may, you have the power of fate in your hand and not all others. As you wish for me dear strength, I wish for the happiness of the Fool to follow you wherever it may lead you. Cry when you need to cry, hate if you must but LOVE even more even though it kills you to love and hurt those around you to do so. I do fail in this area miserably myself because some peeps are too hateful and vindictive to be deserving of such giving. Then please take tembak gajah satu *a big gun lar* and go shoot him in the head and do the rest of us a favor *muahahahaha* or simply if WE can, turn the other cheek for them to slap, insult and abuse. Just DON'T stick yourself in the rut only rot to stink to the highest of heavens with self inflicted woes will be to decide to waste the beautiful soul that you are.

And to che. J4S, I do hope you find that man who will forever stand by your side and be all that you want him to be because YES! We all deserve only the best. To view life so cynically can only mean that you are on the road to finding yourself the one most sought after. A man of integrity, honesty and loving who is committed to you long –term :) I certainly do enjoy your brutal love tactics but I can’t bear the thought of having another’s death on my conscience *hehe* because we never know how fragile another is. Statiscally, those who do threaten to jump and die WILL jump and die as opposed to the current belief that they are only crying wolf. Life is sacred *blush* however jahat *naughty* I am. It is naughty but nice ;) NOT jahat as in EVIL! *gahhh!* I have grown older therefore sappy *blueeek*

For me…although ‘sederhana’ *moderation* is to some BORING, simply too safe or maybe too strict in certain areas; I seek your understanding to let me give it a try because I like it. And I am happy with just the way things are. I have accepted the fact that should I end up alone due to age, my emo-fits or simply for being just me. I take heart that I have given the other *and all that comes with him* the chance and benefit of the doubt to give US a try and for myself the chance to experience love in its many manifestations. As I always remind myself there is always a better tomorrow! And there is justice for all! *queue song from metallica to head bang to*

Oh! For the record I do too have my limits and for one can’t tolerate abuse of power if we are to to build and lobby for a better future hence I’d like to promote the belief that one should be vulnerably strong. Vulnerable to rejection, competition and fierceness of criticism *ahems* but ALSO strong to hold forte to my center and ground myself in the endless splendors of infinite possibilities to go further into the abyss of positive unknowns. Try getting drilled at 5am about SOPs on how to remember to put yourself in another’s shoes and you’d see what I mean. I feel so stupid and powerless but then I am humbly grateful to overcome that moment with compassion and more understanding for another.

Women are Pigs too! \m/

Stay sane,

Amyemeelea

don't sweat the love songs...

ESPECIALLY if they belong to others :p



you know those nights you listen to the radio and then their dedications where your thoughts swirl about you and if you smoke, the sweet cloying smell of tobacco wafts up your nostrils and go poke-poke your brains and then you wonder...



you wonder and then wander...IF the are no big biting dogs in your neighbourhood that is *hehe*



le mew once wrote something along the lines of you learn your mistakes through the mistakes of others and then some who will go like how you learn with others bla bla bla...then there's still somemore who go, you are who you are....JOM! let's go diss and piss over the others >) ....bla bla bla...gosh...otey..i just realised the words don't roll off easy now because i am thinking about my packet of nasi lemak in my drawer. meant for breakfast but well oh well...



*continue ramble*


frivolous thoughts versus non frivolous-serious-you-can-learn-something-from-this-thinking...or for that matter these writings of mine. well~~~~~~~ for those who do get it and WANT to get it. I thank you many many *hugspowwsters* and if you do find me sniffing around your love songs, PLEASE don't hesitate to SHOO me away. Just pretend and think of me as just another radio listener out there who probably doesn't have an intresting love life such as yours :p



i guess moral of the story is or the whole point of this entry is......wait...MUST every story have and ending? a good ending? a proper ending? or an ending?!!! me digressing here.....moral of this entry IS *jeng jeng jeng*



"I don't sweat, I pespire!" *muahahah* i can see many going, " WHAT THA H#$$^&$%@#$&*( siak!" *makes peace sign*



powwsters - by taking the time and making the efforts to reply with songs, again you proved to be 'da -bombed' in the music department that is and not as in kena bomb by terrorist but now! i get to know more songs and they cured me of my sick affliction to that coldplay song! *yeay!!doesaflip* i am able to enjoy the song again and release my sordid affair with other peeples love songs. i'll concentrate on mine now. danke, das ist gut!!! *did i get that right?*



biks - i know i hold on to certain topics too long~~~~and will write more! i want to say i TRY to write more but then it doesn't hold as much conviction as 'I will". there is a question of also I don't want to make promises anyhow, wait i dosa because tak fufill! but i tell you this...i have every 'intention' to do the right thing and will stand by my main objective of 'keeping up with times and those who want to matter' via this blog.


this street is two way! NOT syaing that one-ways do not serve any purpose. everything HAS meaning! All happens for a reason...kan kan kan jonet kaaaaaaaan?~



and i leave you my LOVE song of the moment!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_RgL2MKfWTo- *ikeeeenleeeeeeeee*



ehk sorie ehk....i have to learn how to make pretty-pretty this blog-o-mine and do all those neat tricks with html ijit?!!!


stay sane,


jahatamyemeelea

mental wax vs ear wax...

In My Place

In my place, in my place,

Were lines that I couldn't change

I was lost, oh yeah.

I was lost, I was lost,

Crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed,

I was lost, oh yeah.

And yeah, how long must you wait for it?

Yeah, how long must you pay for it?

Yeah, how long must you wait for it?

I was scared, I was scared,

Tired and under prepared,

But I wait for it.

And if you go, if you go,

Leave me down here on my own,

Then I'll wait for you, yeah.

Yeah, how long must you wait for it?

Yeah, how long must you pay for it?

Yeah, how long must you wait for it?

Oh for it

Sing it please, please, please,

Come back and sing to me,

To me, me.

- Coldplay, A Rush of Blood (2002)

I had mistaken this song with another song called clocks also by Coldplay. Then later I thought it was sang by Radiohead. It was only yesterday when I heard the song again, I knew exactly of its origins and because I have a sick affinity with the song, I googled for the above lyrics and got these. I like the song, it’s haunting and it’s sad. I mean it’s a fucking love song right? Basically, guy lost gal because he did something terribly wrong. Blamed it on being lost *don’tweall* then assuaged the guilt off by taking all the blame to hopefully have the gal forgive him and take him back. A bit later he reasoned that he was tired and not prepared *prrft* But the loop and pull to the song is in the repeated chorus. Where he asked how, how, how? It hints that this separation was mutual and still unresolved. And what about the huge ‘IF’ there at her leaving? So they haven’t broken up? They are on a-break *thinkepisodefriendsrachelandross* perhaps? Then you can’t also NOT wonder why the she must be waiting and paying for the separation? It was a matter that was beyond their control maybe? It’s Romeo and Juliet!!! *slapsforehead* Obviously the song is an open dialogue between two lovers and that he is reminding her to be strong and that he will be very patient till they can find the solution to their separation. He can’t help her maybe because if he could then why is he doing all the pleading and the whining? When one decides to wait and see *andthensingsome* doesn’t that mean, “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn. BUT if you do come by this way for whatever reason, I’ll be more than happy to let’s pick up from where we have left and have some fun”. So isn’t this song a rah-rah-cheer-on-I-am-reminding-you-I’ll-be-here-now-and-forever-kinda-song? Very befitting a scene in Romeo and Juliet yes? *sigh* so tragic! So romantic! *sobsobsob* can feel all the blood rushing to my head now.

BUT what I am really truly interested in is WHAT could the reply to this song be?

stay sane,

jahatamyemeelea

More chasing..

“If you continue to pursue that which is outside of yourself, the pursuit will always seem to be elusive….” – Sojourns Of the Soul, Kim Koenig 1989

In the spirit of things and not wanting to sound like a wet blanket, when you attempt to understand something of which you know nothing, you open up your brain-mind structure to allow reception of information from your friends. So don’t suddenly clam up and tell me I don’t get what you mean or want to do. That I have suddenly read it all wrong and went goo goo gaga over some misconstrued words. I can take it as an insult to my intelligence and of course as your friend be highly annoyed to be lead to believe that suddenly I don’t understand you at all.

You of all people should know how far and strong our consciousness’ can travel but if you now wish to limit that too; confined merely within a circle then I am so wrong to be included in the conversation. Certain subjects are just meant to fly, that’s where you can find the answers that might have eluded you. Which is why I guess it’s never a good idea to mix business with pleasure and I will also include leisure. And which is why I never liked to put a lid on anything under the sun when all it needs to grow is respect and space for it to expand. Whether it chooses to go down under or up way to the sky will be the your will that shapes its course.

Where did your spirit go? Untie the ties that bind and let it feel and grope the darkness that envelop you. Do not be afraid that it might be too convoluted. Do not stop to explain yourself. Wasn’t that your advice for me? But I understand the ramifications of NOT being understood. The desire and of WANTING to be understood explicitly and simply is the current trend. GO ZEN! *bleargh!!!!*

No fun lar…I rather go speak to a parrot. Who can MIME on REPEAT mode *hmmpf* and dance the Macarena when prompted >) or I can sigh away and pretend that I am really stupid for not feeling what you are feeling and thinking what you are thinking. Were you expecting a NO COMMENTS form me? Or maybe you prefer for me to lead you on aimlessly with random cut and paste links to nowhere near my own thoughts are, so that you ‘think’ I am on the same boat, riding the same wave as you are? It doesn’t take a genius to know that you depend on others for yourself to grow. Honesty is like acute diarrhea isn’t it? Stopitsiak! Since when did I become that plug up your ass? Let it goooooooooooooooo~~~~ the runs needs to expel the bad that is in you. Bad turn to good is not impossibility. Impossible is when you limit yourself. It is when you put up signs to say ‘STOP’ in the name of love or some other entity. You don’t have to thank me now. I know you’d do me the same favor if I was having the runs. I doubt you’d plug yourself up my ass just because you are scared that I’d shit in my pants. I know you’d probably lead me to a good doctor somewhere and have me see that too much raw seafood is bad bad bad. And see to that I’d never visit the same stall again!

For now, I await your honest to goodness thoughts on what is so so close to you heart for when you can trust yourself to be OPENLY conscious with me. I never minded when there was or wasn’t any others, why should you now?

Till then…..

Stay sane,

jahatamyemeelea

La La Love...

Inability..

I had wanted to write about Bali. The sun the sea the sand the friends the food and the ALL but in the end Bali and all its impressions will live only in our memories. The pictures say it all and from the feedback I have heard; interpretations of Bali have gone around. I got bitch slapped for divulging my perspective to another and it smarts! She had a major case point; trust was the MAIN issue here. Can we trust the people we divulge our innermost feelings to? Never mind the instrument we use to relay our messages or our intentions why. One must learn to practice discernment effectively. And because of their fears….and my sudden reluctance to have my perspective known, Bali will not be written.

Rocket Rhinestone was a success! Powwster’s fotos were a hit and Le mew’s sockos made their appearance. I did what I could have and most of all the terrors had their day. Terror 1 when told of my participation actually thought I had done up a painting or some craft or sorts till I told her that my contribution was merely in words. She picked up the cue to begin writing herself and as a sampler came up with :-

“Cats creep and cats leap
Until they scored a mouse to eat
And then they like to lie and sleep”

– Terror 1, 29th Feb 2008

I almost didn’t pick them up for the event because I had doubts that the kids would enjoy themselves but in the end, it was all that we could talk about that night till 1am. Terror 1 was more inspired in her art and gained more confidence being around adults. She gained the most points that night for behaving and for show of maturity. Terror 2 displayed his cheeky side and had a rough time adjusting to the noise. He isn’t much of a ‘band fan’ since he was a baby anyway but what a field day he had with the nachos and cheese! Terror 3 took a little bit if time to warm up and initially wanted to go home but auntie poww came to save the day with gumballs! *hehehehe* All in all, I am glad everything turned out to be great. Another experiment with no expectations and I am vary satisfied with its outcome. I made many new friends and got to spend quality time with those who matter and those were my main focus. Bobby and shikino turned up to support! What more could I have asked for : )

Till then…

Stay sane,
Jahatamyemeelea

2008!

The beginning of the end or end of a beginning.

‘The minute people are unjust to you they have already lost the fight. The moment they attack you they have lost the war. The moment they try to hurt you, to humiliate you, to bully you, to disgrace you, to destroy you, to invalidate you, that moment they have lost the truth. They have lost all protection. That moment they surrender all their power and authority to you, and they do not know it yet. Their end is certain. Their defeat becomes inevitable. The rest is time’s doing. So carry on your business, be serene, follow your conscience, and have no fear. The laws that operate in the world are invisible laws, and they are greater than the force and powers of men and women. On these laws you can depend. Some kill a little thing, and invite a mighty storm on their heads that wipes them out. Take pity on those who try to destroy you, and try to forgive them because what they call upon themselves is too terrible to withstand. It is better to endure their stupidity sometimes than to be part of that greater force which will wipe out whole people, yourself, maybe, included. And sometimes it is better to fight, for their own good, to stop a greater and more implacable army of the invisible from doing your fighting for you. And so, for now, go about your business, and let’s see what time brings, may daughter.’

~Ben Okri, Starbook

in a few hours time a new year will begin and unfold. I can sense the anticipation, the rush of excitement and the buzz of euphoria. Yet who knows what will unfold in 2008 ;)
The above paragraph I thought expressed my year for 2007. I am still homeless. Yet to graduate and failed my plans there too. I am still a single mum without her kids and struggling to be a mom. I hoped I had been a good friend but I know in some cases I have not been at all. Work has been my hardest hurdle for 2007 with its many multi faceted challenges, mostly coming from myself. Love is still a powerful enigma and will ever work its will on my soul. Personally I wish it could all have been better but even if I had a chance to relive 2007 again, I wouldn’t know if better would be best.

I have been blessed and will always feel blessed. All that has happened will happen perhaps again and again till I learn. Only I can try to forgive more even myself and be better prepared. The strongest bonds are forged in the hottest and harshest fire and sometimes detachments to none eternal must be endured to climb further up higher and higher. Fear we must overcome with determination and strength from within, no matter who, what, why, when and how it shows its face. For as long as our conscience is clear, we’d understand that those who do not fight and yet claim glory in their cowardly is of a use too.

Aren’t we all the weirdos attracted to the weirdo magnet *batokbatok* love all love small *lol* to all a happy new year and a happy birthday to terror 1 and myself!!!!!!!! and of course to my dearest queen of pentacles, to you especially….in light of what has just passed and will pass. May 2008 be your beginning to an end, as well as a beginning to never end.

I heart all of you and our warmest regards with hopes of many well wishes for 2008

Stay sane,

Jahatamyemeelea & the 3 Terrors