Bunga main Api ~
We have never been big on celebrations and this year was no exception. Low key meet ups and random visits were in order. The terrors had fun and at least they got to meet our family. One step up was that terror 2 had the courage to come join us this year after sulking much over a bad family fiasco. It was just the four of us again and somehow the kids managed to get me promise to co-ordinate our outfits for next year. I guess they want to set in motion some key rituals for us to keep tight and look one as a family since I am huge on being individuals.
It was a nice surprise to be able to see the terrors the first week of Hari Raya when before I would have to have for two to three weeks before finally making visits. My family by now is so used to not seeing me so early were nicely surprised too but there was still the odd comments about how I will live to regret _not_ having custody of the terrors after 10 freaking years! As usual my comebacks have been quick to point out, we are _fine_ thank you very much. Another key news was that their father got in the local papers and shared his story about his early detection of Hep B which could have lead to liver cancer. He is safe now of course but has to depend on lifetime of drugs to ensure that his liver will be okay. The terrors were nonchalant about the news but I do know that they were scared for a bit when he was in the hospital. I wondered if this was why he seems to be more chill about the kids seeing me. Did that brush with death softened him a bit? Or the fact that they are expecting a new addition to the family that changed his perspectives on our strained relationship all this while?
The week before Kama and me were in kay el to see his niece and nephew who were with us for their summer hols. While Kama was busy with CNA doing the shoot for another documentary, I busied myself with the kids to play badminton and swimming. Mak ordered all the raya goodies but she did manage to teach me how to cook oxtail dalcha and ayam panggang raja! We also managed to catch up with bernie, iban man and mag on the eve of raya at our place. A tad emotional towards the end of the night after iban man and mag left (it was way past her bedtime) because soon bernie will be leaving for states and god knows when we could catch up again. It was just nice to go with the spirit of the holidays or whatever is left of it.
One can't help but feel sombre due to all that is happening around the world. Death permeates our conversations with what is going on in middle east and then the mystery of MH370 still left unexplained. Just a few days before that another MAS flight crashed in Ukraine killing all on board too. Back at home in Singy the news is tainted with oppression too if not the uneasiness of discord. What with the wear white movement against pink dot and then the free my library fiasco. I can't help but reflect on how fast time flies and how dangerous our present feels. School has been fantastic but money is tight at least for me. My savings are fast dwindling and I feel unsettled. Grades could be better but I am glad managed to score high in a subjects and feel better about myself. I'll never be that intellectual that I want to be I guess but the journey is still long...even within close quarters there are so many questions left unanswered and I realised I've stopped asking for sometime.
Well, at least to end this I ask from *you* to keep on wishing good thoughts and know that I ask for your forgiveness for all that was said and left unsaid. The actions that shreds good impressions are of my carelessness. If you have forgotten it might have been best for us but when somehow or somewhere if this self fleetingly came to mind with just a slight of sorrow, please forgive me for I do not know how I could have been callous not to have the courage to take it up with you and say - I do care even if I did not show.
Selamat Hari Raya, Maaf Zahir Batin.
j. amy emeelea
