don't bite me yet!

first! it was the call of a need from a prick of a ghost that wouldn't die. even after i put in a LOT of trust that this friendly ghost was a happy free wandering back to his wifey every night ghost. but it didn't really bother me so much, i'd get a rational scientific explanantion from the scientist when he gets on the phone tonight ;p

then it was an email from makcik Jberoks..a follow up on teleconversation to comply to datelines and threats of unleashing the auditors on me. BOO YAH! ooOooo yeah...i'm so blaaardy scared~ that i'm shitting my pants. NOT. i ordered mcdonalds instead and then felt super bloated. verdict on samurai burger..its too sweet and never order a DOUBLE. oh.my.lord......the meat is still just sitting there. UGH!~

ultimately the sharpest bite from draggy wednesday was a check on my bank accounts. i needed to do banking and saw that there was 600 bucks missing. i called the bank and hey told me "err...yeah..its being held by IRAS." nabooooooooooooooo, nabeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh my head screamed. i thought we had settled this?! *)(*(*^&%^$%$@$#@$%!%#^!&*#^(!*&#( so i smsed the boss for a morning run to beg for my money back tomorrow morning. granted! *phew* just hope they find me pitiful and GIVE ME BACK my money evil crapdoodles. its not even my fault in the first place that they told me they received all the ncesssary and then not confirm my taxes just because i need to personally declare my earnings. hell! i thought we are super efficient singaporeans. does my commie views have something to do with this? haven't i been lying low with my comments *ahems* about singapore?!!! do you REALLY need my vote next year hence this lesson to punish me and make me go through all this bureaucratic shitttttttttteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. actually, i'm confident it'd be another walkover and i won't get to vote but what did i do WRONG! dehemit ler...i'm just a lowly paid rat in a far far away old...yes OLD condominium ley.

anywho, i seriously need to cut down on eats and detox for this week man :( a run will feel good now to dispel all the bad vibes from today.

mencik ah!
j@e

ps: when no one trusted you to do good, i did. and every single time you managed to prove them right and me wrong. WHAT THE FARK IS wrong/right with you?!!!!!!!!!!!

defragmentation 2011..

"Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find those worth suffering for.~ Bob Marley"

i'm back to running. my thighs hurt. shall i draw up resolutions? must i think of 2011. birthday countdown. i miss terrors. marry to love, love to marry (no this is NOT a movie title). i hate my accounts (meaning YOU makcik Jberoks) in charge. i have NO lift to new flat! 3 more days to 2011. i want to eat white peeper crabs. i have 600 minutes left for calls to india. tuching is tanduki major. noooOOOOoooooooo thunder thigggggggggghs!!!! one to wear and the other to smell. YES! to birthday trip. defrag! defrag! still fire is most cleansing. burn baby BURN. ashes don't hurt, won't cause suffering. at most mata pedih masok debu :D

otey sane,
kitty's going back home *purrrRR*

ps: YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!! to gedung songo! *biteskama*

it creeps and then wham!

greatness! i have found a room for myself in woodlands. it wasn't too difficult to decide because dateline was end of this year or at LEAST by january (my next birthday). that was what i promised bobi anyway.

i was a bit hesitant to tell bobi about the move, of course lar! he threw a pot at the wall when i tried to move earlier this year! so i wanted to be very subtle and gentle with my 'good news' lest he gets very emotional about it but i believe shikino has sorted him out since then and convinced him that its better to let me go if i wanted too because shortly afters he was sharign with me about his plans to move out to a SMALLER place. because i am so proficient with reading in between lines, the part where he said "what will happen to you?" was replied accordingly with "i won't die lar of course. i'd move out and i'll start looking right away." i remember this conversation succinctly because it was one of the lowest periods of this year when i got retrenched and worried about getting a new job.

i guess that was a good time for bobi as any other to tell me about his plans to upgrade to a condominium lar :p and that he won't have space of lil wee me. i felt the dent in my heart right after but i took it all in because i'm the lousy good for nothing sister you see. so this is penance i told myself. serve me right for being such a freeloader all this while (even though at i freeloaded at his behest or maybe i imagined this?!). the optimistic in me turned to look on the brighter side after a bout of sleepless nights. i was suffering from heartache you see.

so after that i've been more or less ready to move out and one of the things to do was to cut of the starhub connections at home. THIS was the very thing that gave me the window to slip past bobi about moving out. as usual i 'borrowed' his landline to check on email and such and he was nagging at me about how inconvenient it was for him. so he was urging me to go get my internet fixed or at least get a wireless thing going on soon. BINGO! an opening for me to 'selit daun' about my move....his reply was "wow, is this an early christmas present for me?".

yeakdish!~ okay that hurt-ED. it must have showed on my face because he tried to give me chocolates he bought from his turkey trip. i declined because i heard my phone and i knew it was kama. i buried my hurt at his callous reply with kama's soothing hellos from kay el :) well, i'm glad that bobi is happy with with early christmas gift. who knew that the timing was just RIGHT.

stay sane,
j.amyemeelea

ps: i had to repeat the above conversation in the car for shikino's benefit. at least she was silent in her replies. i must learn that IF i ever need to talk to bobi about anything..shikino MUST be around or bear witness lar. penat tau repeat2 :p and here i thought their communication was tight *prrrft*

double digits countdown..

every year around this time, i be counting down to my birthday. it has always been a big deal for me as birthdays remind me of my mama and dad who'd fuss over parties and invite the whole neighborhood, family and friends to celebrate with me. it meant games, balloons and loads of presents! not forgetting how i look forward to kak long dolling me up to feel pretty. i'd be in a lace frock and i remember i sulked a lot too (i was a natural at that) if i didn't get things done my way. HEY! its my birthday attitude i still carry to this day.

as i got older, mama didn't fuss too much but she will always try to make it special. by my early teens i was to hold my own parties if i wanted any but she did promised a sweet 16th and my 21st party planned to be huge as she did for all her kids. mama didn't live past my 14th birthday :) but dad did alright and for my 16th i received a heart shaped locket and chain. he didn't live past my 21st but i got married instead muahaha...

so, its a nice surprise to get a stranger to start the countdown before me on facebook for my impending doubles coming january!!! terror 1 is also looking forward it and she's turning 11 :p and it IS 2011 *jeng jeng jeng* yar, screw me and my numerology shitte. terror 1 doesn't want anymore parties and i'm going to stay 33 all my life *hurhurhur*

the journey has just begun and i intend to take it all in. mas karna will be taking stock and defragment his whole in india and during the same time, i have plans to hide in a hole and re-stock as well. tempat senang is very appealing but more sad memories might just haunt or peek from the recesses and might NOT be such a good idea. its time to bury 2010 where it should be and scurry away hidden shadows and ghosts. it will do me good to be wild and feel free as i have been encouraged much.

no more crying on birthdays and especially not when its mine.

stay sane,
j.amyemeelea

ps: rivulets of sad trailed at the end of november 23rd. i now know why...it was me *us* finally saying goodbye. i truly mean it, "moga kau diteduhi cinta".

in the least..

*phew*

i finished my rounds with the NEA aka mosquito busters at the estate. found more breeding and seriously can we be truly rid of these blodd suckers? especially with grounds as lush as we're in? hey! we still have chickens here and i nearly stepped on a LIZARD on my way out from the toilet. it was scaly and had a verrrrrrry long tail MIND you! and made me jump a wee bit. i don't mind the squirrels or the birds, sometimes fat cats BUT yucks....scaly lizards? biks will have a field day is she was here. might even chase after it to pet *gah!*

the terrors have been with me (or rather at kak tina's) for the whole week. we'd be celebrating her 51st birthday this weekend at east coast chalet. got them out for a bit of shopping, the usual trip to the bookstore and our monthly makan time out but they are asking if we could go on a dinosaur thingy or watch the movies. disney is out with their take on rapunzel this school holidays :p so I've been telling them we'll see how it goes for later this month.

it will be nice to spend the weekend with the terrors this week and so far the terrors have been very open about kama's presence. asking weird questions and giving me even weirder suggestions about my current attachment with him. they each have very distinct opinions but i'm glad they have accepted his invite for Christmas. even though terror 1 insist, she accepted under the influence of chocolates. terror 2 based his on the fact that he found kama attractive (i agree! hehehe) and terror 3 just plain inquisitive about who kama really is. she asked me the color of his walls and sofa??!!! and if he has a bathtub?? *errrk?!* i'm riding it all out as i always do, taking each day as it comes but must point out that he's been very supportive and sensitive about my insecurities. SO, yeaps....i trust that all will be well over snap baskets with clotted cream and strawberries and tell terror 1 not to worry about her engrish :p she's so afraid that kama will think her as 'silly' if she speaks singlish haha..so i told her to put on her best england accent ler :p anyway, the whole point is to prove to them that he doesn't EAT children.

i'm off too to kay da el finally! i kinda shot off my mouth and asked if i could watch kama in action at the annexe and *gulps* SEKALIK it turns out, its going to be a full packed weekend of saying hellos too, plus an interview?! i'm fussing over what the hell to wear but as usual come the day i'd just throw randoms into the bag *prffft* well, i'm positively grinning TILL D day to bongoland.

stay sane,

j.amyemeelea

ps: *waves* alo 'aunty'!! *gulps* errr...i'm muslim like your cats too! :p

to fit a description..

the saying goes that a picture speaks a thousand words but more so that fleeting moments in the presence of something yet nothing is indescribable.

to see a shooting star, witness the glow of the setting sunset or following the trail of dusk maybe even submitting your will to the pull of the open sea waves must just be 'felt'. it could be that you can find the words to immortalise it into memory but how so ill equipt are we?

unless.....you just leave the words as how they are meant to be, just words and succumb in its beauty. silence could just be the most befitting description of the truly wonderful. but i do like it when you ask why. it means you respect and honor me with the intelligence sensitive enough to give every moment meaning.

solitude has run its course and turn itself into a crystalline beauty of depth and enormous potential real feelings. YESSAR!!! * somersaults* no more run of the mill conversations although it adds the comedy of reality. you could not fit a description *blush* but...i give you......quiet.

wishing you the peace karna :) lets thank the bugger up there and of course facebook *hurhurhurhur* date is ONS tomorrow, see you at the gate woooooooooohoooooooooo!

stay sane,

j.amyemeelea

ps: sheshhh~...otey, this is public declaration of sorts. starting errr tomorrow? its all going to written and given. originality *pokespokes* will be rewarded ;)

wishes...

"i wish i can pass all my exams and be very good in my math and art tool~ Terror 1"

that was posted on my google chrome courtesy of terror 1 who was here over the weekend. it was a girls weekend without terror 2 who got a trip to malacca with his favorite cousin because he aced his year end exams. yeaps, the boy got first place *woots!* and already he has asked for a beyblade as a prize.

i had wanted to post a short poem i wrote about wishing stars but since now it has been replaced by the above, i stand firm to jotting my notes in pen and paper. she obviously was following my train of thoughts when she posted the above and good to know she's very serious about her studies and art *ahems* wishes are of course nothing without the aid of hardwork and the detrmination to follow your dreams wherever it may lead you. notwithstanding the insurmountable obstacles that can stand in ones way. like mine perhaps...of wishes to have a home to call my own. to have the terrors with me, to be at my beck and call *hurhur* to bully and kiss goodnight. everynight in fact :)

which brings me to wax lyrical about my bumps into wishes coming true of late. of these are personal of nature, not shared by kinship. these too are wishes of security, understanding and lots of giving, of doing things at random and purely out of simple desires. promises of nothing asked in return and actually fufilling acts of desire that races the pulse and so heats the loins it emanates heat *blush*

i've been granted by genie or the celestial of the enigma i have so chased and yearned for but in its surreal beauty i still have yet to grasp where it all leads to and ask about its destination. i want to avoid being extremely literal here because one should always practice caution when wishing for the ethereal. in case of it turning to 'wishful thinking' or worst literally granted word for word :p for then it will surely lose its magic yes?

define having all your dreams and wishes come true and humbly give thanks i believe is the best that one can ever do. as they don't often come true as easily as they appear to be. nothing...is not without sacrifice i realise but i am willing to just this once lead myself to believe hope springs eternal for those willing to give themselves up as i did and plunge into bliss. just this moment to savour and believe, i too am deserving of wishes coming true, not one but three and oh so easily ;)

okay tido!

stay sane,
j.amymeelea

ps: ah so~ mood jiwangs sua mari melambai-lambai but here! here! the cynic and realist me still lurks.

a whirlwind of sweet eros~

sounds of basia...sade and india arie is playing in the background. i remember the night lebabi introduced me to the song "ready for love" by india arie and how it affected me. i wondered if kasos sent him the love song...did it mirror her longing as much as it did mine? as how each soul yearns to reunite with its other half. the song was nearly too perfect.

no one in their right mind could deny the strings that tug to the heart when listening to that song. with each pluck of the notes that accompany arie's soulful singing, it should move anyone to tears or at least bow humbly to such a simple request. of baring one's sentimentality....a need to be loved and love in return.

*sigh*

perspectives change over time yes? for now, mine has for better and for worse *YESSSAR!!* life never cease to teach us a thing or many. silence has spoken back to me like never before as i come face to face with words such as these :)

Then plant thy kisses upon my verdant field,
shower this dry plain with thy tender caresses;
Though this forlorn land none have tilled,
Its spring I find amidst thy tresses.

Tomorrow is a distant land,
Mine eyes, they see no further;
In blindness I reach out, touch, behold with trembling fingers.
The one before me I grasp, clutch,
"Heart, hold still; want, yet want not too much."
Yet the organ has bolted, its shadow lingers,
Wings flutter as it ascends,
To the one desired it attends.

She resigns, and repairs,
in feigned modesty the retreat is sounded.
Yet the heart pursues undaunted,
til at last at her feet it surrenders.
"Far have I flown, my wings weary,
in my wake a trail of missed longings train behind me".
Yet with a glance soft and teary
the withered heart recovers.

~ bukan arjuna tapi suryaputra (2010)


AHEM!!!! <-- as he would punctuate hehehehe...

stay sane,
j.amyemeelea

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mxkMlS2nuU8&ob=av2e <-- the song of course and promises of sweet dreams ;)

to the opera we go!

i saw the advert or clip for Matah Ati at a glance on teevee...was I with lebabi? i think i was and already i knew i had to GO. budget didn't allow me to book a ticket earlier and of course the geng chose to watch amy search in concert instead. i drooled at the thoughts of attending the opera and read that its was doing its international debut at the esplande before going on tour to malaysia, berlin and elsewhere throughout 2011. if i didn't catch this then i have to wait till march in kuala lumpur :( bad enough i missed puteri gunung ledang so NO WAY was i going to miss this although....budget again was the question.

tickets were running out FAST and *cartwheels* happy happy joy joy! a wee bit of adjustment to pocket money (i survived on ciggs :p) enabled me to get catergory 2 ticket last night! it was end work day and i was restless. i had already planned to drop by to the big durian (the esplanade) to support kak5 aka wahyu and tom for their annual akustika show. i logged on to sistic BUT they told me i had to queue and buy at the boxoffice today. Apprenlty there are still 'some' available!!! i had to be quick. i was luckier still to be able to hitch a ride from che. hesherolls to tiong bahru and i knew the sistic outlet at raffles city will not be as crowded as the on at the durian. time check...630pm. i was early woohoo! and there was only 1 person ahead of me :D

show stats at 8pm and i'd be able to watch the first set of akustika too. with tickets in my pocket i took a slow walk towards the esplande. i saw signs leading towards the newly opened esplande mrt BUT i remembered an entry before about how misleading it was to have the esplanade mrt WAY OFF from the actual durian itself *hehe* i made my way back and bumped into wahyu!! :p she asked me if i was heading to watch the show akustika and i said yes PLUS i had ticket to matah atiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii *yeahoOOooooo*

i was entranced the whole 1 and half hours. no intermission and it made sense to go and pee first. as it is, i'm always dehyrated much more anyway. too bad i couldn't understand the javanese spoken but aren't all arias sung like exactly that? to me at least whose proficiency in malay have dwindled much to DIS-use and misuse *GUILTY!* there were short scripts at the start of each act to briefly explain the scenes but i read the opera's overview diligently while waiting for them to go on so even though the screens were much of a blur, i waited in anticipation for each scene to unfold. i was concious of my behaviour somewhat but couldn't care less as i swayed and gripped the edges of my seat as each character wrung thier emotions on stage. whther it was the soulfully rendered dialogue or stylistically modern interpertation of bedhoyo moves. needless to say, i didn't even want to blink in case i missed something out.

*pancits*

saturday was uneventful and sunday was spent lolling about in bed. wait! my cuzzie and his wife picked me up from work to have lunch and get to know each other *gulps* i didn't go to theier wedding but well it wsn't too late to offer my congrats. people get married for many reasons and observing them, it only solidified my stand to....wait as long as i want before getting hitched again. yes che. diambunuh, you have truly fucked me this time *arghhh!* or is this my own doing *hurhur* che. linmark came by to pick up the book 'the reader' and i added 'unbearable lightness of being' to her want list. i scared her lilttle cute daughter hehe but her sms later later that day confirmed my picks for her to be RIGHT. Yessaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrr...i do hope i don't muddle her too much :p

sunday later that night, due to rstlessness i went to where the 'turtlings hatched' and quietly shed away memories of amy. the way che. biSol drove amde me sick and i vomitted *bwahahahah* but HELL lar! you're lucky i didn't barf in the car anyway *tsk* of coure it couldn't have been mariam! >p and i'm NOT going to even consider you as housemate no matter what hokayyyyyyyyy...too.tOO.TOO...tired to put up any false fronts *hisssssss* so you're right, you should leave me alone :p

another thing...my Greader is not as synced at it is as i logged on at work :( some of the links and updates wonky! meaning updates are soOoooo different if i logged on from home. i could see a piece here then another there but they are not the same at all! *angeranger* yet, i am happy i managed to steal wee Internet time via bobby's *heheheh* which reminds me i have to get my passport, Internet working again PLUS emoley time all straighten out by this week. not to mention...IRAS to deal withhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

new spot found on bintan! yeahoOOoooo...cheaper than tempat senang and could well be a new hiding place. too bad...i still have to share with YOU know WHO you are! but you're the best lar....judge me and hold me ransom for all you want *blowkish* i definitely need a rough bitchslap this time. gimme! gimme!!! gimme that 120mins of pure kneading bliss all over my body please and pummel each knot of distress out of my body. like...NOW! :(

Anyone whose goal is 'something higher' must expect someday to suffer vertigo. What is vertigo? Fear of falling? No, Vertigo is something other than fear of falling. It is the voice of the emptiness below us which tempts and lures us, it is the desire to fall, against which, terrified, we defend ourselves.
Milan Kundera, The Unbearable Lightness of Being

sheesh...i really need to blog and not ramble! >(

stay sane,

j.amyemeelea

ps: "please...call me Emeelea" *jelings* it WILL never be amie for ya BIATCH~! :p orh!!! make it for mr. BIATCH too...apparently he just ceased to be on my 'of value' list. bet the trip was filled with nightmares..welcome to HIS world *waves*

hate is baggage..

i finished the lost symbol and woah! what a ride it was....but must say, fiction is as fiction does. the impression it leaves wasn't as deep as i wanted it to be. although! it lead me to ars notoria.too bad internet connection is still out so am not able to do my extended nightly prowl over the world wide web and satiate ravenous need to read.

i've started on the reader by bernhard schlink. the gem of this paragraph stuck too close to home :-

"Why? Why does what was beautiful suddenly shatter in hindsight because it concealed dark truths? Why does the memory of years of happy marriage turn to gall when our partner is revealed to have had a lover all those years? Because such a situation makes it impossible to be happy? But we were happy! Sometimes the memory of happiness cannot stay true because it ended unhappily. Because happiness is only real if it lasts forever? Because things always end painfully if they contained pain, conscious or unconscious, all along? But what is unconscious, unrecognized pain? " ~ chapter 9, page 37.

last saturday after work i went over to lina's and chilled. i seriously do NOT enjoy karaoke but we did a round on thursday *blearghhh!* the things i do to cheer my friends ehk? thank god we didn't do any karaoke that saturday night but watched the movie Agora instead. there wasn't much i could have discussed with her but at least i got to watch it in full with no jams in between at her place. lapicits wasn't too kind on the dvd, and i really can't be bothered to hook up my tv and player. we walked from her place in sengkang to jalan kayu muahaha! and supper at mad jacks was nice. i got much more reaction from lina when we watched what happened in vegas? chick flicks *prrrft* what can i say? never fails to cheer the gals *notmetho* up hehe.

sunday made my way slowly back and i keep thinking about the terrors. it must be end of exams and i should be able to see them soon. i wasted time and watched american history x and THAT is my kinda movie. griity yet and emotional boiler...all the characters were finely tuned. racism...and any isms point out to a point of source. its really up to us to follow its trails and peek into our carried baggage. you either clean them out! or carry it with you...not without repercussions. no space for musings in emoley. once done i was off to meet mr. ted who drove by for a quickie. the work of facebook yet again! >p we touched base and merely caught up and rammed 20 years of absence in 2 hours. mr. ted is an ex colleague from my hotelier days. he hasn't change muhc except for his girth *lol* but still the same easy-going guy i know. just now...he's also severely spooked from getting hitched soon. who isn't??!

work is work and TADAH! terror 1 called today using a new number to ask if i could kidnap them this weekend :) she failed her maths and i was right again. the green eyed monster changed the home number so that i don't keep calling. i wonder when he's going to stop from being so fucking childish about our relationship. does he really think he can separate the kids from me? terror 1 made me promise NOT to call her but she will try he best to make the connection again yet 'no one' is around. and i told her don't worry about failing...she'd have another chance. most important is she tried her best and we'll have to pick through 'why' only when i get to see her. best kan ada mama terror macam nie? :p

besides trying to slot in time to hike up syariah courts anytime soon, i received a call from the IRAS *gasp* shitte! totally forgot i need to settle my taxes *gulps* and the iras guy told me he had to hunt me down via ms. panjang. ex boss *eeeeeeeeks* well, thats another to do to add on my list *pancits* my passport is STILL missing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so thats another to do.

house hunt wasn't too good. i made my way to amston and finally met the myanmar gals. supposedly gards from NUS and all of them singaporean PRs. i had a glimmer of hope. i'm sure i could settle down with the girls since they must be building a home far away from home right? after all the 9 years spent in singy? IT professionals it seems all of them. BUT!!! england standard way below even terror 3's. HOW CAN LAR SIAK! and beleive it or not...the home wasn't a home at all. it was like being transported to a village in myanmar when i stepped in. my last rented place in chai chee (which was DA GHETTO) was more livable. i found myself thinking this is the STANDARD of living for NUS grads and sporean prs?? ok..i know i shouldn't judge just by this 1 experience BUT makcow~!!! no wonder lar...many locals are angry. it truly seemed to me they were not here to make a HOME but more of taking advantage of our 'friendly to FTs' policy :(

i have to pay 800 rental not inclusive of utilities mind you! and also share cleaning expenses (err....you don't know how to clean ure own house ijit?) for a single room. the other 2 rooms are shared by 4 (FOUR FUCKING FOUR) gals. no smoking in my room too...and no guests coming over unless approved by the rest. which is only polite BUT...but but...forget it. nothing against you myanmarese but i cannot reconcile the fact that you made a nice condo into a communal village complete with grass mats in the living room.

fuck it.

i need to look for a tree or ship to johor!

*tskkkkkkkk* super annoyed but hey...mr. KFC to cheer me up today??

stay sane,

J@e

ps: may the GALL be with you che.diambunuh. can you please get out of my head already?! *pushkickkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkdebikdebikdebikssss* oops! Ohmm...i'm suppose to pray for GOOD instead :p

signal is OUT! *uwaaaaa*

there's something wrong with the starhub signal at home so lapicits is getting much needed rest. I cannot tap into the wireless in bobby's place (maybe they BLCOKED me!) due to mixed signals? or lapicits running 2 programmes at 1 go or something. BUT! all is not lost ebcause NOW, i could curl up with the loads of books i just received from makji aha :p 3 indonesian novels (i saw the movie for 1 title), The Lost symbols!!! *nosebeleed* and from my last treasure hunt The Reader. I've just started on the lost symbols and already racing past the pages. fine...i'd write too later tonight rather than dwell on my musings from 2005 *sigh*

ms. pinkfloyd gave birth to baby d already! just after the baby shower and we all trooped over to peek at the newborn. he weighs a wee 2.2kg and is the spitting image of danial *hurhurhur* it felt good to smell heaven! and we had a lot of laughs about how it must have been the suggee (read: she ate LOADS of it) that must have stirred baby d into a sugar high and made him rush out earlier than expected. baby d wasn't due till NOVEMBER :p

datin lindot then drove all of us to geylang for dinner because all of us where already shaking from hunger. we tried this new cafe which got featured in the latest lonely planet edition and guess who i met?! the ZEE LORD who shoots steroids eating at the cafe. he WORKS there!!!! *arggggggggh* he asked me why i haven't been returning his calls and such to which i just said "biasaler low profile." he came by the table to take our order and i introduced him around. he insulted me with a "i didn't know you have best friends?!" that's it, in my heart of hearts he was just asking for it *debik* i managed to stay civil because hey, i'm rooting for a discount *hurhur* here and IT IS a public place what! his waitress complimented me on my looks (the mullet hair is getting rave reviews apparently) so zee lord (monkey!!) asked me again for my number. best punchline evar was when he wanted to save my number and asked me "what did i call you before?" it was then i realised HE FORGOT MY NAME!

which was okay since i gave him the heave-ho waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay earlier. he stuck around to chit chat but the guys were good at ignoring the monkey so he kinda just lingered around. while i was EATING..he kept smsing me!!!!!!!!!!!!!! otey..last starw...i lost my appetite. the guys didn't rate the food NOR the ambience high. merely....average *ugh* i couldn't have agreed more and then on way back towards the car, they all asked me who the hell was the monkey. my only reply was "now you know why i don't go on dates". or rather kinda stopped for a while before i seriously go on a rampage *terbalekkantoilet*

datin wasn't feeling too well so we got off at yew tee and made our way home. ah! then lagik satu monyet kept on smsing distress messages of why why why why...wasn't i replying to his calls and all. err...ure MARRIED?! *pushkick* and i thought i made it very clear when i said "don't call me, I'll call you." end conversation fullstop! >( yeah i am liberal lar but please ehk...don't 'abuse' my liberalism. i could finally sleep without nitemares last night. it rained. zee lord monkey called me at 4am *WTF*thank god sleep was deep.

morning came and it was monyet 2 who had to keep calling and smsing me till i picked up and told him off. as nicely as i can to SHOVE OFF. lets be adult about this (i still din't tell him about his wifey problem) and you can hear my voice when we DO meet up soon. he kinda got the message and told me he just wanted to hear my voice lar and then baru bley buat kerja lar shitte. OMG!!! do you really think i'd fall for that? Its the HAIR i tell you!!! bobby hates it. i'm trying to grow into it! but god forbid i should be all sugar and spice just because it makes me look so KAWAII..sweet and demure *gag* well...looks can be deceiving i say!

too bad...i just need to grow it out OR yeaps...chop it off. hrmmm...not losing sleepover hair as i'm already sleep deprived.

till morrow...

stay sane,

j@e

ps: your sex problems are NOT mine largh!!!! unless your're brad pitt...lemme be your jolie *muehehehe*

teng teng TEng teng TENG...

my hands disn't shake nor did i pass out from sheer shock as i saw you in maroon. visualisations work and bon vogage *salut* che. diambunuh :) please do not let me say i told you so in solace or worst as witnessed by someone else.

otey..seriously..did you know that its your solemnisation date that is the OFFICIAL date? *prfttttttttttttttttt* so gals...please check if you chose your date 'well' as intended ler *kuakuakuakua*

got back from the baby shower and rested watching movies. first it was mantra as recommended by ms. aha. its a horror movie made in malaysia. in che. pidomat's blog there were some comments about its bad cgi but ms. aha thought otherwise. i NEVER watched a horror movie ALONE. espescially one with local ghosts. no pontianaks, no pocongs...NO NO NO! but last night....i did. talk about facing your fears ehk? *saaaaaaaaaaaap* then i continued with lagenda budak setan. why? because its supposed to be *sobsob* chick flick. its an adaptation of the malaysian novelist Ahamadiat Akasha's book of the same title. Alas, youtube was coeperative so after episode i gave up and tried to sleep. che. shoo (macam nak dikasoskan jugak deknie) smsed and then called...by then i had just had enough of trashing about andfell into deep sleep.

ms. chelle..or rather the urgent sense to pee woke me up today. then i got ready to see ch. shoo. i cotinued with kasha's story. it was a chick flick. i got disturbed by the storyline. so i smsed che. shoo to cancel our date. he said 'its okay' in the most pitiful sms :p so i asked him outinstead for a movie???? what was i thinking right???? but i suspect...i'm gonna be like this for awhile. dishelveled, neurotic and a wee bit too trigger happy. but, surely....i'd come down fast to mellow mode soon enough. jahat4slalu just called to check up on me. we traded sex stories before she hushed me to sleep.afterall...its monday tomorrow.

i have loads to do and will need that break in kay el with datin E. expect pictures then. hopefully more of me being broken in need of a fix. coreection..

fixes.

orh! the weird thing is of all the 3 movies i watched. mantra, lagenda budak setan and reign of the assasins (GOOOOOOOD!) with che. shoo just now. it struck me how the recurring theme was jealousy, love and then revenge. PLUS! 2 out of 3 movies, involved plastic surgery!!!!

*blearghhhhhhhhhh* coincidence? am i thinking of what i am i really thinking? plastic surgery???????! me??! will i ever go down the knife ehk? to think of it..i might just do botox :p

stay sane,

jahatamyemeelea *lagikkenonengkOOOOmoi!*

ps: last bal forEVER *Amin* mula dengan langkah *ahems* thanks jahat4slalu...for the doas and also those precious tears you shed for me. truly....i wish for the very best in your impending nuptials *blowkish*

misrepresented truth..

what's the point of goodbyes when you only want to justify why?

that's why goodbyes are hard innit? nothing you could say or do will be able to change that goodbye. you agreed to its truth but yet why still hanker for another goodbye to say so long, tata...laters...see you when i see you.

whats the point of saying the truth when the truth is another lie? truthful words are beautiful, beautiful words are not truthful. ah the irony and the double edged tinge beauty of opposites!

seal it with a K.I.S.S *waves*

my lastest stab at keeping it simple sie. chediambunuh.

i may not be simple, balanced neither will i be plain *hurhurhur* because i am JUST as I AM. you have made it very, very CLEAR where, what, what, why and WHO it is you want HER to be.

and it is NOT me.

it will NEVER be me.

...my past is too incriminating for your FUTURE. so my prayers is for you to be safe and stay sane with your :

she who is ONLY beautiful in your eyes
has the balanced qualities that YOU seek
understands NOT TO ASK questions
holds the virgin KEY to your need of progeny
action SIMPLY to your needs
in AWE of who you are and hopeful of who you will be
lastly...
altruistic by YOUR ACCOUNTS...

there...that's perfection by your so high expectations ;)

ps: honestly and faithfully will be here as promised, nothing more nothing less as and when NEEDED.

pps: you're sacked dear axed >p at least i have the courage to ask 'sampai biler'.

Another Great Monday~

i survived my first agm today *phew* and now still working off the effects of redbull, 3 cups of coffee and a 'few' fags in between. and OF ALL the days..i forgot to pack in perfume..not that i stink but my armpits were WET yoho! and have always been a concious smoker while on duty. you really don't want to be smelling of ash when sitting down with *ahems* peeps that sign your paycheck *hurhurhur*

meeting ended just before 830pm and the bus ride home was sans music and words. my brains were frazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzled! currently ripping the 3 cds lent to me by che.dol and empod will be stuffed with rocking new sounds. ungu will still be there and maybe if they still fit in my teeny empod, i could still hang on to ekan tracks featuring songs from bubbledays of doom :) so tracks from one giant leap and some lenny kravits, cranberries, sade and georgie mickey could still be songs of choice for lull-brainwaves moments.

the bestest thing about weekend was meeting the terrors. yeah, they had to follow me to work even on sunday where i played the role of cleaner cum pacifier mediator to 2 residents and had to forcefully leave me alone to chill before we went on our raya rounds BUT....

all is good when i see this peekture. how they have grown aye?

weekend for moi starts TOMORROW! :p

stay sane,
j.amyemeelea

ps: cepat masok ah pengundang mariammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!

to whom it may concern the last 17th

"I am much too alone in this world, yet not alone
enough
to truly consecrate the hour.
I am much too small in this world, yet not small
enough
to be to you just object and thing,
dark and smart.
I want my free will and want it accompanying
the path which leads to action;
and want during times that beg questions,
where something is up,
to be among those in the know,
or else be alone.""

~~ Rainer Maria Rilke,
I Am Much Too Alone in This World, Yet Not Alone, st. 1
(as translated by Annemarie S. Kidder)

i cannot answer your questions simply enough (cos i am complicated remember). now skip along and don't ask me anymore. we've had enough suka-suka moments to last a lifetime right? so run along now...and remember...

...the keyword is,

NEED.

best regards,
yayang~

ps: strains of annie lennox "no more i love yous" paling best accompany above :)

Salam Lebaran, Eidulfitri and Hari Raya..

eversince mama died, my hari rayas have been of broken tradtions and the scrambling of order. my recent of the happy family (complete with car, cash and keeping up with the joneses suspenders) hari raya moments must be those when i was a wife. i got to cook, clean and also decorate much like every mrs out there. always happy to make all the encessary arrangements to have the house and its immediate members are ready to welcome the rest of the family. could be deadly when including extended members.

before that i will be found working. at least i had bobi with me those hotelier days :) we'd be at work and the 1st takbir we hear will be cming from the mosque Al-Falah next door. i think its usual to find the older, unfortunately single (for whatever reasons) to be found working as well. but rare to have 'young' (late teens for both of us) pair of orpahns working. so we became pretty popular :p

i've had also woken up alone in the very recent past. these past few years, the look of anticipation for hari raya has fh. i usually sleep in :) before maybe painting the town red with whoever is available. yet....i swear i've never felt so alone today, almost choking on my pent up tears. my eyes sting while i fought back teras and my face cracked a painful smile. i was eating sambal goreng pegantin, a goodie mix of beefy offal *lol* in chilli paste laced with spices and coconut milk. on the side i scooped a healthy portion of serunding which is fried ground coconut, fragrantly fried dry to perfection with a mixture of spices and also bits of meat *yums* plus...to mash everything together we had the softest lontong evar!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

all the while i felt so fake.

towards the end of thier conversations, while i look on and concentrate of food, we came upon the tpic of cleaning. i already had in mind to help and even asked way last wekk if there should be anything he wants me to help with. to which i never had a reply till....just now *badabing* where bobi rattled to proclaim my share of to do. i let him go on and take in the feel of inflated ego. he doesn't get to impress so often (maybe too often i feel) that he felt so freely to remind me of washing the toilet and mop the floors. i just got off the phone with bobi. at least we agreed that the stuff he buys to clean shall be 'nice smelling'.

*sigh* this is depressing.

but i'm doing well so far. they will be back so detergent for the toilet floors which are now soaking with bleach. i always do it the old school way for dumping on all and swipping off slowly. confirm got peeled of skin but it shall be worth it. this ill be my last raya here. i have it all together to go through it and refuse all sympathy. i still can't say if it has any meaning for me anymore. at the very least i will say my thanks for my grace this eidulfitri whose soon to be a stranger to boot. for you ensured i paid my zakat this year just in the nick of time *sniff* there you go sir. tubitot, my salutations and farewell this hari raya! may we never exchange Salam lebarans hereinafter.

why?

to arrive at destiny is to start at the very begining..

i cannot remember where i read that. to anon (or shall i take the credit :p) my apologies. it doesn't make sense you say but i believe somethings are best left unspoken....till never. ideally. i won't hope for you to understand but as you beleive. i'm complicated.

everyoneis deliciously simple.

salam eid all. forgive me of all, please.

stay sane,
j.amyemeelea

break! 20 questions

1) i just noticed that the fbt shorts we all favor look like those short shorts that apeks like to wear! *muahahaha*

2) yes, i do look like demi moore (asian version ijit?) *lol* but can you tell me which movie please? :p maybe not striptease BUT charlie's angel? wah! that one..me likeys..

3) before i read dan brown (book loaned to me by the unkel selling kopi at tg pagar market), i am into umberto eco *nyeh* i have the name of the rose, foucault's pendulum and baudolino that you can borrow.

4) good intentions do not cancel out bad actions \m/

5) the ex boss stays where i work and he cramps up when he sees me >) i think its guilt for laying me off or the fact that he still believes i'm incompetent..a good looking one *lol*

6) the indian caste system is alive and thriving in singapore as recently witnessed by myself! *ugh!angeranger*

7) i like new words. NEW words are being made up EVERYDAY so quit pushing the dictionary over to me. FINE! no new words during scrabble.

8) a-MUSE me please, i'm quite jaded. didn't laugh much during despicable me

9) so? i read a lot and smoke a hell lot more, and yes my terrors (read: my kids) know of my habits. i.do.not.hide.to.smoke. *prrft*

9a) unless requested..i'm nice wot!

10) i have a major crush on dr. farish noor (for now :p). saw him at a recent book thingy AND first i tried to CUT his queue then upon realising that it IS truly him : hello/intro was "i should have brought your book for a signature!" *arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh* no...i didn't get a response *sigh* just a weird look and lots of head shaking *likeduh*

11) some spoke to me just ONCE (otey..a few times) way back in school BUT requested to add them on facebook. told ya its a weird place. BEST for people watching \m/

12) i indulge my solipsist side much more often nowsadays, out of POLITENESS obviously *geddit?*

13) please!!!! let HIM *akafarishnoor* accept me on facebook so that i could read his notes *sob* -------------- YESH!! he did woohoo!!! i'm reading his notes *nosebleed*

14) *dehemit! no lola no more~ but i still have "pah~" *romoshromosh* that lola is one shexay being :) ----------------- woohoo!~ lola just did a backflip and i'm estatic *fornow*

15) i've got 5 more questions to go and i was typing this from yesterday.

16) half dayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy today!!! which means i have to do cleaning for eid festivities? i wonder if i will get to go geylang tonight.

17) i just remembered i need to send all the terrors new clothes for eid to the be altered! mine included. adus...peh malas nyer.

18) if i don't get to eat lontong, ketupat and lodeh tomorrow...at least i'd be having japanese in the evening *hurhurhurhur*

19) i've started to shorthand my text even while writing and i'm worried that i cannot seem to be able to read my scribbles after sometime.

20) otey...i'm just stumped and don't want this entry to backlog in my draft tray :P

stay sane,
laters........
j@e

its a LONG weekend!...soon that is

i woke up late today. very late. but!! i had to go to the bank so i had a legitimate reason *coughcough* to stroll in much later than usual. bank trip went well but was quite surprised i coldn't do cash deposits into dbs via posbank? are they not borther and sister ah?

instead of tunes from empod, i dragged a book along today. its radiohead & philosophy. i spied tags already in my half read book but i didn't think i finished it at all. che.diambunuh started me heavy on radiohead and i kinda got hooked. powwsters ahd a thing for thom yorke *hurhur* and i knew of his voice which pulls you into trajectory dimensions from her past pokes. besides, i was da damn grunge posuer lerr who thought CREEP was damn pengsi before i pledge more allegience to the written word before songs. i think its her birthday looming (or past)hence i miss her. over lunch *jelings* i told che. diambunuh a wee gist of the topics discussed in the book. the themes, music progression..thier show of 'art'. listening to them, i too could feel the loss, despair, alienation, anger and more often tumulous anxiety.

really, i'm trying to stay away from UNGU :p

after this weekend, i could cross out che. swede. he's settling in perfectly and who would have thought....he's doing a PHD (yes..permanent head damage) in 'neural' pyschology at NTU *gasppppppppppppp* he was soooOooo hesitant to tell me and he actually gulped visibly when he had to fess up :p che. jahat4slalu and che. jahat4sekejap tagged along but were major distractions throughout. they chattered in tongues and laughed a lot but i got my fun too at thier expense right afters *hehe* jahat4sekejap is obviously degsinated driver. her inate sense of direction can still manage to amaze me at times. so we gals rocked for a bit more before calling it a night.

che. quetee invited me over anytime to grab stuff and i'm holding on to che. hiphopcina's book. looks like quetee wins this round due to his travel commitments and i should have bought that damn book that he wants when it was on OFFER at borders *chets* now i'd have to face him empty handed? *bleargh* i'm still planning my exit for this one *gulps* and i truly hope i don't trip on my feet. WHY?! do you make me feel like this?!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm supposed to feel cool, detached and aloft..yet....there is something about quetee that i can't quite place. mengidam ke sayer? *muahahahaha*

then of course i got to see the terrors last weekend too. we spent the day in geylang to buy raya stuffs. new cothes, shoes, acessories and whatever took our flight and fancy (within budget!) i couldn't help go slightly OVER but mama terror is content. at least this year we'd still be mismatched somewhat yet reek a bit of the 'curtain fashion' that afflicts ALL our fashion sense during eid festivities in singapore. families here like to dress all of the same color and fabric (economical wot~!) so we kinda got sucked in too *hehehe* its green and blues, shots of pink here and there with a clash of malay and indian influences.

otey lar, simply...terror 2 and 3 got to wear the malay kurungs but terror 1 and mama terror opt to go INDIAN and wear coli-kutas? (alar..punjabi suits!) this year. terror 1 insists she wants to wear pants so OFF da rack~..thats what you get. no such thing as baju kurung pakai seluar ler. where got jalan! well, we at least managed to find a compromise. i am not sure why this year everyone seems to wants to turn me into a kawaii-doe-eyedpwinncess ah! the kids chose this very LIGHT colors for my set. yar i know, i didn't have to go with thier taste BUT...i was already getting a huge headache with all the crowd, hunger and also color choices. if its not purple or black..then i won't care lar whatever color it is then. as long as everyone can get along aye?

sent them back and now regurgitating my thoughts. i could sense emoley's loneliness from lack of attention but i can't deny my frazzled nerves. i haven't been able to scribble much. maybe AFTER eid :p but my househunt is taking a back seat too this week *dehemit* so expect me to go riding high next week mabuk on rendang or everything equally sinful before i force myself into perspectives again.

stay sane,
j@e

maintaining real neutrality..

my mind connects neutrality with the pros of neutering. of animals..of gender...its to maintain a position of 'nothingness'.

or rather will it be of perpetual 'sitting on the fence' position? what a balancing act that must be right? and i detest hard work :p

so i tried cleaning up and tinker with the privacy functions of facebook till i GAVE up. i find it easier to act of extremes. either i want you 'off' or 'on' the bandwagon. rumminations in facebook caused by the insistence of che. quetee actualy who demands that i 'facebook' rather than work email. he's touchy about connecting there. i noted he re-added me with usual 'restrictions' *blearghhhhhhhhhh* but for the love of my precious *lightercase*, i humbly *NOTTTTTTTTT* placed him under 2 lists. both non favourable to say the least but it just so happens, my facebook prefers the chaos. i minded for a little while, bent on enforcing 'taste' to mere Faustus facade before i got tired of pretentiousness coming from myself.

so i merely let it be.

i see more peeks (total 23? or was it 24??!) of late and *bows* i am truly curiosest now *grins* kindly excuse melati's rants and over pouring of hearts lamest hurts. she's being melodramatic experimenting with malay as her lingual franca. besides, i hear the lament of che.pidomat whose having a lot of trouble with flipping through the dictionary to understand my current spews? *lol* so...hopefully over the next 10 nights will come clarity ehk?

i'm downloading ufc 118 while typing this. nursing a snotty nose full with green bullets of smuck. yet, i just finished a nice slim 'BAAL' of winner :p mariam says hi! while aunty rose bids goodbye *waves* me pretty chilling to the point that, i might just go for a 'date' with che.supercop ehk? *wailsssssssssssssssss* or really, i would like to cuddle up in my den and entertain thoughts of......

E-N-J-O-T-S-U~~~~~

my oh my~~ how maliciously intertwined the double entente above rolls to be one...

but unbearably intolerant i am to sharing, it shall always and forever be mine. of my dreams alone. which obviously include ALL acts of my understanding. MINE ONLY.

*puurrrr*

kapish~...salam kenonengs *hiccs*

j.amyemeelea

ps: jelita. janda. jorok. jahat. jangan. jenuh. jering. what have yous...
asummptions have always been just labels..you sort them ok?

scribd! no not the webbie ler..

Bahtera berlalu dibawa arus menuju baru
Perahu membawa seribu impian dan harapan
Disimpan teliti moga sampai ke hujung mudik
Lakar satu bakal memahami selari nadi
Bersama teguh taat pada yang Satu
Dimula janji titik noktah terus setia
Intipati hati tak rela dicurangi
Lautan diselam dalam yang paling pasti
Urusan kasih terpatri, sayang yang tidak tertanding peri
.....
Berlayarlah bahtera harapan sang bidadari
Menuju nun jauh sarat berat peluh segala simpanan
Air yang tenang lagi tampan dipandang
Dikocak sang buaya berdamping dikelopak titis airmata
Dilayar sang bayu membawa cuit baur nan hangit
Berlalu waktu agak lekang jenuh putus harapan
Hati berdegup tak puas dengan hanya desiran impian
Sampai nanti ke hujung mudik sergah singgahsana sang raja
Paksa mampu si bidadari pada tiada yang pasti,
..........


Tetap menadah syukur diberi nakhoda, janji sehidup semati


yang kehilangan,
melati

The will of intent...

Bummer. The doc gave me lousy cough syrup and flu meds that don’t cause drowsiness and that's why I’m typing this entry. Been busy a wee bit adjusting (a blast at work) my hours and stuff to learn (all new) while welcoming ramadhan. Even though, I’ve been on ‘off’ for a few days now ;p so it hasn’t been tough or bad. Just extremely floozy with the flu virus that had gone amok. not to forget the dreaded cramps *oooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwww*

The weather hasn’t helped alternating between hot humid days with deep chilly points throughout the weeks before. I’ve been caught in the rain a few times already on the way to and from home. the umbrella i have stashed in my bag doesn't get enough exposure because as always, i'm just too lazy. Since then, I haven’t been out much too. No soccer but thank you for the invites!!! And a few house viewings here and there with loads of chilling in bed under covers make up my days.

of course, I finally met the terrors this weekend and sent a few regrets to some. Che. Swede has touched down singy and owe him a go-see. mr.hiphopcina just asked me out and my watch and ring is with him *bleargh* i told him next change lar, plus the fact I still have his book read halfway. Not to forget,i added a hint to note that I’m really the GOOD gal this fasting month :p Lately I prefer empod for morning stimulation on the bus as opposed to reading. Also because I bought ungu’s latest cd titled ‘penguasa hati’. Roughly ‘ruler of my heart’. the risk for missing bus stop is ona high though. Che. Quetee is also in town after that long break and couldn’t poke him through facebook anymore. Maybe he got pissed I ‘unfriended’ him but seriously....I would really prefer to get to know him in person.

yes, certain things were NOT supposed to happen our last night together but it did. its also more urgent i see quetee soon (not because of guilt heh.) but more for my precioussssssssssssss, sucha precioussssssssss lighter bought last in Australia is with him! earlier, i sent him an SOS email via work :p to remind him I need (YES! NEED!!) it back because it is so the very precioussssssssssssssssss.

Of course, his book is with me too *haha* the one about slash. Did he read mr. Kundera? I doubt so but maybe that the reason he’s been cold? My choice of book was probably TOTALLY way off from cool factor? *sigh* where have all the reading men go? Reminding myself to get him that not-so latest book by Stig Larsson called ‘the girl with the dragon tattoo’. Apparently now it’s on the screens! and he did mention its something he has an eye for. So anyway, apology sent :) let’s hope he doesn’t bear a grudge.

On the home front, or rather the only front that truly matters is that I haven’t found a place yet to call my own. The terrors are relived that I got the job here instead of anywhere else. But I told them that things can still change.
Just not...the will of my intent/s:-

1. No more talking about YOG or things related to politics lest I scare men away (plus girls)
2. Get a place to accommodate cheap day & stay ins with the terrors. Minimum decorum plus a kitchen for cook outs will be best. Bonus = pool!
3. Clear the junk at the office and be more meticulous, maybe try to rope in che. Caddie as mentor. He’s the only one i got. The other has already quit me a long time ago *gulps*
4. Confirm a maybe for ‘methods of ifhtar’ this 28th. The chance for qiamullail shines bright and WISH my will to be brave and make it a reality *amin* aiming for at least the last days to home-lasting-run. Bent on intent to lead to purification. Mind, body & soul.
5. R-a-t-I-o-n *muahahahahaah* and of course Rationalise and ultimately determined execution. done flawlessly undertaken faithfully till end *kapish*
6. Repeat all of the above and not rest till no. 2 is fulfilled as closest as I can will it to be.

....but the rest just might have a go at being first achieved ;)

Orh!! i couldn't forget too!!!!!!!!!!!

7. Must. MUST at all costs respect boundaries of lelabikasos. Plot summary sumer da tahu tinggal hari sexecutionnnnyer sahajer. PRAY I get it off in mirthful pain just like the feel of a good quick swipe of sticky bandaid. adventure beckons as yours look set to full sail ahead so is my mast stiff; ready for the onslaught of stormy skies ahead to my kismet :D

End of post.

But before I go, I need to ask you something. Personally I have gay/lesbian friends and I respect them for and as the individuals they are. Yet, I do not agree with the idea of a gay culture with rights. For a simple reason IF gay values are upheld, how are we to pro-create? Seriously, if everyone decides to go GAY, then are you suggesting we evolve to be hermaphrodite? Just like snails???? so what does that make me? your enemy??

So I have been confused before and YOU said it yourself. you are CONFUSED so yeah I hope you snap out of it and even when you don’t at least I have made my peace with you over minor contentions in beliefs. I could condone the deplorable only because I am too prone to such fall from grace but do let me get a grip on mine without upsetting you. i wasn't and will not force anyone out of their own will.

What about infidelity too? When so many of us are susceptible to be devil’s advocates ourselves? I say, be true to who, what, why you are and stay sane. Life is too short to fuss over details. Yet.............

Sometimes, it’s the arduous task of being virtuous that keeps our desires in check *batok* self censorship is needed I guess to be able to keep incognito amongst the so many self-righteous *puke* using the time to prepare on change. With an assertive yet gentle approach another might be charmed into sharing the same beliefs that I do. anywho, wasn't it you who proposed the ideas?

we can't know who is to say who is neither right nor wrong. The voice of interpretation comes from sincerity and should not be condemning. So? As the merry-go-round of recent muck in my head MUST end...I am truly sorry if I don’t BLINDLY jump-up-in agLEEment with your stand; know that trust comes in time. I’ve withdrawn from foolish my-say-last words combats as those flames take long to heal. Instead you’d find me exclusively silent.

My worst fear far from always being misunderstood is the truth that I cannot stay to be an island *ugh* ALONE??!! So my offering of quiet understanding should be a fair exchange in times of mutual harmony kan kan kan? For didn’t I mention....I will the intention to have future with you.

*kenoneng*

Stay sane,
j.amyemeelea

Ps: small word after all moments is to know minahkumari el sitikus is engaged to che. matdonna!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *GASPPPPPPPPP* and that m/m okachongs are cousins to im and erna *lololol* otey..now tido.

visits

the last time i went to visit them both was when i still mrs. someone. he wanted to visit his brother and since i have 'invested' in the car and maybe part show of dutiful husband, we went to visit. i still do not know how to read the yassin but he shoved the romanised version into my hands to just READ!

since then, there haven't been any visits. i always feigned busy or something always crops up :p *asusual* bobi even slighted me with a mere retort of 'yes, EVERYTHING else is secondary' when i tell him i can't make the visits. my 3rd bro che. kecik shoved a "nah nie kubor BAPAK kau" (HERE! lies YOU dad) nto my face last weekend to which i just smiled to and asked for the mini cangkul.

my trio of elder brothers *salut* have always made the efforts to remember. they VISIT without fail every year and in between them, the personal visits that are not mentioned or made known i could probably guess will number to at best 'few more'. they don't just visit our parents but try to include everyone from grandparents to uncles and aunts. that is the petom offsprings for you.

so yesterday at 8am, bobi and me headed out to jurong to meet bro che.kecik, his wife and my nephew luqman. he brought along wak man, my mom's eldest to join in. my bro no. 1 che. haji camel brought along my oldest nephew farhan. all of us had the standard kopitiam breakfast of coffee, eggs and kaya toast before heading out to lim chu kang. where our dearly departed are resting *gulps* in peace *iwishhhhhhhhhh* my other bro, che. haji gendon couldn't make it due to family commitments so off we went.

it was packed with many other families. we had cars lining all the way into the cemetary. everyone looked busy cleaning up (and looking for) the graves before ramadhan falls unto us to avoid the crowds who hold to the tradition of visiting the dearly departed right on the first day of syawal for many families. the lanes were also flanked by enterprising families who sells flowers (including fake ones), rose water and white cloth to the visitors. they even brought the kids who played in the bushes and roadside but stayed clear of the graveyard. i also saw nyonyas selling chilled drinks to the tired and sweaty visitors. business was fairly good i must say.

sans make up i wore my chaplin tee and jeans. i had my black kerchief over my head and not forgetting my shades to hide the tears which i know are gonna flow incessantly once my sandals touch the soil. errm...the traditional baju kurung is not my thing. i said my prayers plus salutations and first stop was my dad. i could't stop the 'HELLO DAD!' bursting out of my heart and i stopped the smile on my lips once the miss start to cramp in. my elder bros didn't do much because they were nice enough to give bobi and me the opporturnity to 'do our thang'. his place of rest looks clean and there were signs that someone not too long ago came by to offer prayers. for a minute the question lingered to whom? but there wasn't any time for that...NOW IT WAS my turn. as i pulled all the weeds away from his grave and tidied the melor bush on top (he loved his melors) my heart ranted and raved about what i've been thorugh without him. oh how much i miss being daddy's little gal and just like that suddenly i find myself alone with him.

everyone left me to be. i saw bobi's sandals last walking away as i held on and wanted so much to lay my head on the cold tiles to ease the longings i felt. which i didn't because it would have been too melodramatic even for my own family members to witness. from thier angle it could have been a bad shot from a malay drama hurhurhur *horrors!* it was a few more minutes with dad before i leftwith my head dizzy with memories and my feet heavy from guilt.

my maternal uncles took the next 2 spots. one was paman hashim who i remembered wasn't so nice to me. he and my mum was going through a cold war of sorts. he softened up a bit when mama passed but i never really had the chance to get to know him out of fear really of his scowls. yet, his kids and us stayed close as cousins since most weekends we'd all be doing something as a family as hatched by my mom and so it continued to be a tradition of sorts even after she passed. whether he liked it or not hehe. i didn't stay too long at his grave because i was lead urgently to my other uncle. he's my mom's youngest. paman tomin! he was a few plots away and i hurried over to look for him. i could never forget his nasi goreng tomato because i couldn't take spicy food haha! and he had to cook me something special when i was there. he was riddled with kidney failure and his last days were painful and the sight that greeted me upon finding his resting place made me even more wistful for his ever cheery smile.

unlike my dad's or paman hashim's...the only stones to mark his palce of rest was broken slabs of concrete. the headstones were made of wood and it was rotting. there were termites and other creepy crawlies in a frenzy over his grave as we started to clean up. the grass were at least knee high and the weather haven't been kind to his place of rest as the soil has sunked in pretty low. wak man said, the wood planks must have rotted away to explain the sinking. his family has asked NOT to pour concrete over his grave or do anyting to it for fear that he (down below) would have to bear ALL that dead weight. some muslims believe the dead can still feel and hear so they rather NOT aggravate the situation. in some ways i could respect that but the reality is that in a few years time, his grave IF left unattended will dissapear. the small memory of who he was and where he lies now will be no more but another unmarked plot. how the hell will we find his grave to offer our prayers then? i guess, for some..prayers should be offered whenever and wherever.

wak man looked on and asked why. he couldn't understand how his brother's place of rest could have come to such a state. all i could offer was to reply in respect of his family's wishes espescially his wife. he lamented that its no use to have so many kids then if not ONE made an effort to visit. che. haji camel said "so the government is right! we should just stop at 2." :p paman tomin has 5 kids. che. kecik laughed and told me to look at it from a different perspective and said, "its not about him down there but more so on the ones living." i had to bite my tongue there and chipped in harder to clean up. i couldn't forget how he made us so happy with his jokes and offer of adventure whenever we came to visit or went on holidays. it was the least i could do and of course family politics is not my thing.

i walked over to paman hashim's again and took a moment there on my own to remind myself of his generosity. it didn't feel right to leave without telling him how much i admire his courage to stand up for his beliefs (my mom was older so he was considered rude to some) even though it meant that he and my mom didn't talk much and that everyone else in the family tried to butt in. i remembered mama telling me the reason of the cold war was a merely sibling rivalry lar and it wasn't much to think about. in the end, they still loved each other and i had to respect him as my uncle.

we took a break after that and cleaned up a bit. i threw away the newspaper meant to line the car *slapforehead* and i didn't smoke. i was surprised bobi did but thats manhood for you, i knew if i did start lighting up, one of my older brother would slap me right into the ditch :p so i just stole a few smokes from bobi later in the car. wak man and my brothers (excluding bobi anti politkus himself) were still talking about what he could do to convince paman tomin's family to let us make the effort to tidy up a bit. in all that drone my sister in law kak min told me to look around and spot the funny names *hehehehehe* and then we drove off to find my mama and grandparents! i made sure to duck while i was smoking in bobi's car.

mama has recently been relocated and this was me visiting her at a new place of rest. the government had to shift old graves to new ones and they made it built to order *LOLOL* and a family could place up to 16 people in a single grave. my maternal grandmum is right on top, then followed by my granddad, afterwhich was my grandmum's sister. there were a few unknown family member but i saw mama listed at no. 6? there were altogether 8 of them all from the same family tree. i sank down to my knees to remember the where my tears soon follow. she's the lucky one of the Asid brood to be place in the SAME grave as her parents. Wak man is the only surviving member of thier brood and he joked that maybe in future he will be placed in the same grave as his other 2 departed brothers. they will then have a game of guli down there :D

there wasn't anything to clean or do except to offer your prayers for them as best as you know. this new plot of graves were plain and neat rows and rows of names and dates to remember by. no plants and decorations of any kind were allowed on the new plots. there wasn't even space for you to kneel or sit by the side without having ure entire butt on the grave next door. i did see a few mini shrubs and a windmill or two marking some graves though but che. kecik told me, they will be rooted but so as not to have the roots break the concrete. it was by then my emos spent and my heart was eased to know that mama could be happy to be reunited with her parents. although it seems very unlikely they'd be having any conversation down there but i somewhat felt calmed by the fact that she wasn't alone. after being much ostracized in life just to be who she is.

everyone took another smoke brak and as i as standing by the rows and rows of marked graves i saw some that had only 1 name on it. the very marked ones were siti maryam, siti khadijah and i forgot the other last name. 3 solitary graves of unknown women and no father's name mentioned. they were graves moved from kallang (which is a very veryyyyyyyyyy old cemetary) plus there was also very distinct 1 which wrote 'syed something...maulana with 14 others'. che.kecik quizzed me and asked me if i knew why these graves were solitary. i couldn't guess and so he told me that under MUIS law, if they dug out a grave (usually after decadessssssssss) and find that there is STILL a BODY in it. that person cannot share with it with another. or if the person was royalty. he reminded me of stories i read in magazines about bodies never rotting and smelling so sweet even after decades of being buried usually of very pious people. of course if you were incorrigible and horrible, the earth still wouldn't want to claim you but one must assume of only the best of the departed so he urged me (DARED ME) to drop by at night and dot dot dot over the ones i found so different and fascinating. the 3 ladies did pique my curiosity as much as awe in me and as it was oft reminded to me what to do when i visit a makam or by chance pass a grave...i said my prayers for them.

the last to visit was my sister in laws mum. che fatimah is well loved and i heart her so much for giving me kak min. her HUGE brood (i think my sis has 13 siblings) has welcomed our family with much love and over the years made my bro che. kecik so happy too. she has a huge shrub of pandan leaves that we cut and brought home and my bro was impressed with the ease i handle the sharp parang *ahems* and i forgot to ask what my sis intended to do with the many many pandan leaves.

everyone agreed to end day with makan time! briyani hasan rabit sounds LOVELY but bobi has to rush home to shikino. i could have just jumped to join the rest but i didn't feel like letting bobi drive home alone. my brothers reminded me to bring the terrors along soon so that they'd learn too the importance of 'living' just as we did from our mom. i think the terrors would be thrilled and yes, i will try to pitch in bobi to drive us :p

back at home i only had this to sum up for the day~...

"What about the one who will only have his bare face to protect him from his terrible suffering on the Day of Resurrection? It will be said to the evildoers, "Taste what you have earned." Others before them also disbelieved, and the punishment fell on them unawares: God gave them punishment of disgrace in this world to taste; the punishment will be even harder in the Hereafter, if only they knew:"......

Surah Al Zumar, The Throngs - 39:38:24

stay sane,
j.amyemeelea

ps: NOT readyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!

despite..

when the final curtain falls *ticktockticktock* while i still try to fade away....




all i wish to feel is RESPITE...




stay where you both are,
emeelea sani

ps: i mean you lebabikasos

spotted!

there is a rambutan tree (a local fruit) beside the longkang (a drain hehe) i walk past to work everyday! the first time i noticed the fallen fruits by the sidewalk, i was wondering why these peeps chose such a lonely lane to eat thier fruits? and they have the cheek to LITTER as well! >) at least i don't litter like unnecessarily! *prfft* hehehehe

then i noticed that the fruits were not peeled properly (as a human being would) but torn open or some had bite marks on the skin and i got excited. I looked up and around and wow! there was this HUGE rambutan tree just above :p some of the brances hung low enough to reveal bunches of fruit ler. i TOTALLY wanted to take off my shoes and toss it up to see if i could get some to rain on me hurhurhur..but yeah...there were other peeps behind me so it would have been quite a novelty to see me jumping up and down, throwing my shoes in the air. i've been asking the staff if they knew about this but they don't seem to excited about it.

then i also saw a forest rooster! .....and i'm still thinking about how to get those rambutans into my hands. orh! wonder if the are chickens and chicks if there be a rooster around?

which again became topic of the day for me when i met some friends for dinner and drinks recently. NO ONE found it interesting at all :P i guess...its not exactly like i just found an app for the iphone for exchange or maybe have the latest android phone to show off *dehemit* so my convos today go around, work, finding place to stay (locations..locations) then some day to day gossips about peeps around; our way of catching up with others and times.

above topics to break the ice repeats and recently i've found myself with not much to say. or really just lazy to bring about topics to talk about. why do we avoid topics that is closest to or hearts? isn't leading conversations meant to reveal some part of yourself to another as much as it is to blend in as an individual?

i'm not sure if thats the main goal to my hook ups now *sigh* i've turned to be a boring old fuddy duddy! >( or worst!! i am closeted to the monotonous cliches. but i know its really lack of enthusiasm on my part to wade in uncharted unconcious of others. well, you give back what you take what!!! and i'm not taking the quick route of generalisations here.

but...i'm a good listener (if you'd believe me) and if you don't mind the silence yeah...lets hook up :)

sidenote : reading 'the artist's way' by julia cameron and mark bryan. funny how the last time this book came my way...i was in a flux and huge changes. and now it shows itself again through che. mcRick. hrmmmm...."why indeed must "God" be a man? Why not a verb...the most active and dynamic of all?~ mary daly theologian" quote in book just few pages into the introduction hits my senses awry. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH....enough to 'bingit on' me! :p


stay sane,
j.amyemeelea

ps: i'm learning to get out of the way.

another notch up!

today i got off the bus 1 stop BEFORE where i am supposed to and nearly HAD to walk all the way (of an extra 2 kilometres) upHILL to work. thank god for heavy traffic for once because the minute i knew i was at the wrong bus stop, i knocked politely on the bus door to board it once more and pretended to play with my almost DEAD phone for that 1 stop trip *prrrft*

i was 15 minutes LATE already but again...the boss has this habit of strolling in late himself *hurhurhur* so i was safe. not that i want to make it a habit of course *kelipskelips* its been 1 week into work and things are really looking up. the place, the people and work flow have been all 'chilling' (which means totally NOT busy yo!) so i'm smiling more these days. i don't know who won the 'guess amy's nationality' bet among the guys but yeaps...i am a true blue homegrown and bred minah. is it my brown hair? or maybe my eyes? my non -existent accent? (which is only turned up when i need an accent to be understood - i can do a MEAN indian accent acha! hehehe) anyway, the countries up for grabs were philipines, burma, eurasian (is this a country?) indonesian, malaysian - oklar..so all are in asia at least BUT seriously? are we taking up ARMS right now agaisnt non-singaporeans? or maybe are we now a RARE breed?

work is managing the estate and following up on respective tenants needs and complaints (which are many). yeah, the admin side of things are pretty much the same in every industry - make sure our records are updated and money is collected on time. speak with a smile and be genuine in your approach at all times. ok same same...no difficulty there. the place is LUSH with loads of green and its a small estate of only 162 units. its a bit OLD by now standards, as we don't even have a jacuzzi (back in 1983 jacuzzis were?? unhygenic ijit?) at the pool side and no golf course here yeayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! wifi has only been installed at the pool and then nothing.....

the source of sexcitement and drama is with the people staying in the estate. the complains they have and how well READ all of them are with regards to the BY LAWS of the place. just the other day, a lady stormed in the offie to demand an explanation why her kids are not able to play tennis in the sqaush courts. she quoted the laws word for word and SAW that there wasn't ANY clause to mention 'strictly' the rule 'squash court ONLY for sqaush'. BUT i have to mention that she INTRODUCED herself as 'GOD'...yeaps..i asked her for a name to address her properly and she went " its ms. fat or call me GOD for all i care'. It was hard NOT to smirk at that and even HARDER not to just BLURT out a quick comeback at her but we saved the possible replies for AFTER she got what she wanted \cheapthrills/

anyway, now that work is more or less settled...locally >p NEXT up! i'm getting on the speedy highway to skyrocket rental as an option to get OUT of bobi's place for good. then i could strike 'stay with family' off my to do list forever. i am seriously wishing that i had kept springdale as homebase *blearghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh* or chai cheeeeeeeeeee take me BACK to the ghetto yo yo YO! :p

stay sane,
j.amyemeelea

weddings..

>


peektures stolen from facebook because mine suck of course :p the video of the wedding turned out to be great! and yeah...the cynic ala jaded moi when it comes to weddings went into hiding for abit ;) my niece will do alright or even better and i wish all the gals the LOVE of this lifetime and many times over *amin* with oka nana, anis manis, maria fudgey married..last count i have 3 more weddings to look forward to for this bunch of sweethearts *whimper* and yeaps! before that...a nice trip to bali with the gals to make up for lost losssssssssssssst time *bows* let's hope my leave gets approved once i go past my PROBATION at work :D

yeaps.............this wee thang has gotten A JOB :p *yeeeeeeeeeeeHAH* last but not least, the gals made me pose with the sri lalat thingy because ITS a RARE shot of moi in kebaya *gasp* dehemit! i really need to work on how to read html aper kejadah so that i could do the justice for my posts layouts *pouts*

stay sane,
j.amyemeelea

ps: We learn to do something by doing it. There is no other way. ~ John Holt xoxoxox

the peektures from ozzy..

wahlau..i seriously want to give up siak uploading the pics but here goes nothing...

scio~ scio~ scio!

back from ozzy! and the trip was good. even if i didn't manage to ride the rides till i vomit or concus. the guys were good to have 'forced' me to save up and go. always the stingy bastard that i am lar :p the airplane ride was scary siak! and i was thinking..did i want to be crew because i wanted to go "woahhhh~" *facecramp* at every turbulence?" *mueheheheh* i behaved and didn't show my distaste at a single anyone of the crew member. well, the guys warned me anyway to keep my mouth shut even IF i did think one of them looked like a horse and the service was farken slow. they were afraid that the crew members would spit in our food *muuahaha*


the main aim (besides bonding with mates) was to totally ride the rides! and hence turn up my nose that the rides in singapore >) but bummer the scariest ride of all the superman was down when we went. consolation was the fact that i got to ride on Batwing! and yeaps...lethal weapon yo! we spent a total of 8 days for the whole trip and i hearts the guys for making it happen for me on a budget of course. they even made sure i had a balcony or a patio to smoke :p and these very same people have kids in tow. I made sure i didn't smoke in front of them but err...the kids nowsadays are just too damn smart lar. so many times lil danny reminded me "aunty amyyyyyyy...did you see the NO SMOKING sign there?" *coughcough* of course i promised them (ALL of them) that i'll quit ONE day :p we shopped LOADS being singaporean and cooked meals at the apartment. then added trips to seaworld (to check out the 'sad' dolphins) and also paradise country (chase kangaroos!) into our itinerary. it was COLD because its bright sunny winter and i came prepared. took with me 3 jackets and layers of tiny underthings to make sure i was warm but NOT penguinish. they guys were adamant that if i survived UK, then i'd survive australia lar.

out of all the shopping trips, i enjoyed carrara markets the MOSTEST. its just the different feel of an ang moh pasar malam that feel air-conditioned that makes it oh-so-memorable. it was cheap, colorful, good and hurray for the pony rides! i didn't ride da damn pony ler but i did buy the bestest souviniers evar from there! hellOoooooo lighter case :D and love my new 'pipe' aka alKENIT. how to quit smoking like that ler? :p from the outlet towns, i bought a nike BALL (go figure) and the 5 dora ballet pumps in black. kmart shopping were for books and the candies for terrors.

*pause*

why am i the way i am? = exact words NOT used to protect the not-so innocent

to him, i said "suker" meaning 'like'..i like the way i am. and i like what i do (which is seriously NOTHING) *twidlethumbs* i didn't even try to expand on that break in our conversation. i felt embarassed for him actually for asking such a redundant question. or maybe i heard him wrong? maybe he meant "i never understood why you don't act on the things you already know?" because we were exchanging stuff about *gasppppppp* mother of all things, religion. but thats too detailed of an assumption on my part ain't it? *slidessssssssssss* unlike the very upfront biks who told me "i've stopped pretending that you are dependable" recently. to which brought me to realise, i need to make more effort in nurturing my relationships with those i care about. espescially those newly built ones but it doesn't really play out the same if i were to apply it to bobi, my very own flesh and blood brother because he just told me to concentrate on looking for my own pad soon! which is GREAT right? seeing that just a few months ago he threw a pot at the wall (aimed at me actually or was it to punctuate his point?) because i told him i wanted to move out.

you think you know the person but yet there will be times *ALWAYSguaranteed* you never know *jengjengjeng* yet, we all take the risk of knowing and trust for good :)

damn i this cough thanks to alkenit....MORE HONEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....

stay sane,

j.amyemeelea

ps: i watched my very 1st world up last night at mcdonalds *lol* brazil vs portugal!!! i lost my bet though cosh i was feeling very generous and gave che. adygood 1 and half balls siak. *DEHEMIT* brazil won but i must say portugal's defense was POWER!

bitter yet sweet reminders...

i couldn't find the words, the memories for my feelings now. i never liked to compare people because i believe everyone has their own set of redeeming qualities and inherent flaws. yet....tonight someone made me compare and reminded me of a gift and it made my heart long for your nurturing ways. i thought i had met someone better *ahems* who could have topped you in that department BUT tonight i was gently reminded.....that you still stayed TOPS.

even now at this moment writing, i try to recall what i used to call you when these overwhelming feelings of great gratitude wash over me. but i am sorry i can't :( there is still so much hurt thinking about you but no matter.....your gift has redeemed you of this much bittersweet nostalgia :)

to YOU who gave me 'The Choice'.....you gave me the nudge i needed to never think of my inability to read the Quran as a disability. you saw past all my bad deeds and made me feel special even (even though we didn't last hehehe)

the book shall serve as a benchmark of sorts...bittersweet of course. but hey~! you're still tops! for now that is.......

stay sane,

j.amyemeelea

ps: i never did get to see the author live and he passed on in 2005. yet his legacy still lives!! through youtube!!!!!!!!!!!! *lompatsukaria*

the plight of the da'if..

You ask questions, you bring forth topics to discuss and debate, you highlight inconcguarties and then try to reconcile differences. U seek for uniformity in things that were revealed t you via books, conversations and direct experience (like teevee!!) . U share because you care I guess. You didn’t know whether what you had in your grasp was good or evil but it intrigued you to no end that you must speak about it. So you do.

You’re like the hermit lost in darkness. Or the fool lost in his dreams. Dare I say you are as bent as the rib of man. You feel the anxiety and dread of confusion. Where do you go with this heaviness in your heart? How do you ease the burdens of knowledge that is pressing you down. Will you be able to reveal these questions and answers that you seek? You are BENT *hurhurhur* to find out! ….by any means necessary.
So you go to those whom you trust. Those who are closest to you as well as those who have lead you by example of good deeds and of reputable character. Most often than not, you would choose someone who has shown you love. This someone you look upon as a teacher. Your teacher. To them you pour your anguish, your innermost honest opinions and your fears. You plead ignorance but more often than aught, you challenge these people to make you understand. UNBENT me you ask.

But……..

Many of those you approach label you as difficult, argumentative. They find it difficult to reach out to you because you’re incoherent. They can’t make out your needs, your intention! Maybe some won’t even judge and trust their own inticnts and just leave you to grope in the dark. you lack in enthusiasm they reason politely. One must not qyestion instead just follow what is said letter by letter, no questions asked please. You push forward trying to reach level ground. Instead of looking you in the eye and try to square you, they Iet you go and solve your own questions because as it IS – you are not a responsibility. Only a choice. Worst are those others who try to break you down by force and ultimatums till you either get bent out of shape or *ishkk* you get bent broken :(

*exhale*

Do you know the difference between plain ignorance and arrogance? *tsssskKK*

stay as you are,

emeelea

ps: yang bertakhta akhirnya sings m. nasir.....aku akur, hanya jauhari mengenal manikam...sangat LAIN tak sama dengan johari mengenal maniam!

rife with ulterior motives.

like why poke poke me in facebook like for the gazillionth time huhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh? but the witty repartee made my day hehe..too bad his status read 'in a relationship' and should i be reading any thruth into it? espescailly when mine still reads 'married' :p

i'm seriously thinking of deleting my facebook profile but it hasn't turned scary yet. at most just minor mishaps of reading too much into the 'typo' of things. can't say ALL are freudian slips huh? well, i enjoy the camaderie of solipismsssssssssssss no matter how banal it can get at times. *jumpswithjoyforFAILBOOK*

can you fake a social life? actually its so damn easy nowsadays, the number of friends you have (in this steady graph, the higher you go apprently is good) equals too how 'busy' or how 'happening' your social life is. but how's that evil huh? well it depends on how you put it into context right? from your own perspective of course.

and you're safe till you start looking at the number of friends you have and wonder why it goes up and down erratically and then send some frantic messages across to ask 'are you there or NOT there' every few days or so. i stopped it when i realised that i was becoming facebook stalker *muahahaha*

so a prominent ex minister died and we got a live telecast. the news were all about waht he did and who he did it with. a small gesture to remind us of our roots and history anyway. i didn't think it would piss off anyone till i read a shout to say 'we are wasting time, money bla bla bla when no one is watching.' my first reaction is where's is your sense of patriotism? and the other was, i wonder if they are rehearsing for the BIG LTOkay-why death somehow? does anyone remember if we had a live telecast of President Ong Teng Cheong's death huh? that said, Mr Goh...I think you did a splendid job as a Minister and although i do not GET why some of your policies haven't changed somewaht since you retired in 1984...i salute you Sir! May you rest in peace.

then my mumi had to tell me she sees me on facebook pretty late. which is not weird at all considering the fact that i have yet again fucked up my sleep clock. i go around reading status updates, checking out new photos and generally spare the one liners to people who matter on my list. yeaps, helps with soccer co-ordianting too since all the gals in the team has an account. espescailly those below age 23 :D but most of all its a good excuse (very narcistic if you ask me) to use the number of friends you have as a reason you don't get out to meet and greet people who do matter.

fwen no 147 : hey! i haven't seen you for ages and it takes forever to book a date out with you. don't you love/care/like/want to me see me anymore!!! *whinewhine* so lets do something pronto!

moi : of course i love/care/like/want to meet you silly! but have you SEEN the number of friends i have?

fwen147 : yeah man...you have 1234 frens altogether! so hot man..are you sellling drugs or something?

moi: yeaps..and in a year, we have only 365 days sometimes less so IF i were to meet every single one of them individually each day to sahow how much i love/care/like/want to be with them. guess what would ahppen?

fwen147: err....mass orgy?

*slapslap*

moi : no lar!! then when will i have time to sleep, shitte, read or do anything else huh?

:p

on a few occasions they just laugh it off and forgive me lar but most often than that i'd get a big stare of "WTF" back at me >D

as a rule, i personally don't add anyone i do not know personally to my list and HUGE no no to family aged 40 and above (that keeps the brothers, sister in laws, uncles and aunties at safe distance) then i kinda felt bad when i didn't add moms and pops of really really close friends. aunts an uncles included so i added them ONLY after making sure they stay on the restricted access thingy. which took a lot of time to do creating these privacy lists! *grrrrr* till i realised, it was never meant to be anything serious at all. hence..i stopped...i don't get much requests anyway *hurhurhur*

*brakessssssssss* the bridezilla on lithium just called me and ask about 'bunga sri lat lat'??????????? i told her to use it in a sentence and she told me her friends just smsed to explain its the flowers held by the groom usually with sirih and what not and that she's so confused already. here confused means - could you do it for me please? *UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH* i told her that it was her mak andam's responsibility to ensure its to be given to the groom together with his clothes to wear on sunday and to not worry about it since her wedding is naturally MODERN. why should she think it important anyway? *prfttttttttttttttttttt*

i hate unpreparedness.

now I've just lost ALL my mood again cos bobi just knocked on my door with a letter from the bank!

KILL me plssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss..like NOW.

stay sane,
j.amyemeelea

ps: if i DO wave goodbye to rows of you while walking through the customs gate at the airport by end of this year. I AM CHANGING MY CAREER TO DREAMER MAKE CAME TRUER!!! its hello~~ miles and miles of sand and goodbyeeeeeeeeeeeeeee hurts and disappointments. don't worry about the terrors, they'd be thrilled to know they can actually FLY over for hols. truly the concept of 'hijrah' needs my focus and attention now. thanks debster...i owe you babysitting hours when i get there *hugssssssssssssssssssskish* nope..tell donster i don't mind the camels because i have work experience in the stables LOLOLOL...err, do camels live in stables or not ehk?