eversince mama died, my hari rayas have been of broken tradtions and the scrambling of order. my recent of the happy family (complete with car, cash and keeping up with the joneses suspenders) hari raya moments must be those when i was a wife. i got to cook, clean and also decorate much like every mrs out there. always happy to make all the encessary arrangements to have the house and its immediate members are ready to welcome the rest of the family. could be deadly when including extended members.
before that i will be found working. at least i had bobi with me those hotelier days :) we'd be at work and the 1st takbir we hear will be cming from the mosque Al-Falah next door. i think its usual to find the older, unfortunately single (for whatever reasons) to be found working as well. but rare to have 'young' (late teens for both of us) pair of orpahns working. so we became pretty popular :p
i've had also woken up alone in the very recent past. these past few years, the look of anticipation for hari raya has fh. i usually sleep in :) before maybe painting the town red with whoever is available. yet....i swear i've never felt so alone today, almost choking on my pent up tears. my eyes sting while i fought back teras and my face cracked a painful smile. i was eating sambal goreng pegantin, a goodie mix of beefy offal *lol* in chilli paste laced with spices and coconut milk. on the side i scooped a healthy portion of serunding which is fried ground coconut, fragrantly fried dry to perfection with a mixture of spices and also bits of meat *yums* plus...to mash everything together we had the softest lontong evar!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
all the while i felt so fake.
towards the end of thier conversations, while i look on and concentrate of food, we came upon the tpic of cleaning. i already had in mind to help and even asked way last wekk if there should be anything he wants me to help with. to which i never had a reply till....just now *badabing* where bobi rattled to proclaim my share of to do. i let him go on and take in the feel of inflated ego. he doesn't get to impress so often (maybe too often i feel) that he felt so freely to remind me of washing the toilet and mop the floors. i just got off the phone with bobi. at least we agreed that the stuff he buys to clean shall be 'nice smelling'.
*sigh* this is depressing.
but i'm doing well so far. they will be back so detergent for the toilet floors which are now soaking with bleach. i always do it the old school way for dumping on all and swipping off slowly. confirm got peeled of skin but it shall be worth it. this ill be my last raya here. i have it all together to go through it and refuse all sympathy. i still can't say if it has any meaning for me anymore. at the very least i will say my thanks for my grace this eidulfitri whose soon to be a stranger to boot. for you ensured i paid my zakat this year just in the nick of time *sniff* there you go sir. tubitot, my salutations and farewell this hari raya! may we never exchange Salam lebarans hereinafter.
why?
to arrive at destiny is to start at the very begining..
i cannot remember where i read that. to anon (or shall i take the credit :p) my apologies. it doesn't make sense you say but i believe somethings are best left unspoken....till never. ideally. i won't hope for you to understand but as you beleive. i'm complicated.
everyoneis deliciously simple.
salam eid all. forgive me of all, please.
stay sane,
j.amyemeelea
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