opens a chapter...

the street lights go a blinking. after a short drizzle, the streets glistened with puddles of water. the air felt cool and i sat there unmoving drinking in the sounds, the smells and the buzz of human activity around me. a moving shadow coming closer to the seat occupied in front of me turned out to be a spotted cat. it was a lean stray, a singapura cat. it parked itself under the seat in front of me, the occupier above glanced down below but he seemed to say silently, "oh..its just a cat". *notsomehugebigcockroachoranythinghehe* the cat stopped and bent itsself down to lap up what it seemed like pure nectar from the heavens. once its thirst was gone, the cat, oblivious to the music, the smells and the bositerous people talking and laughing and cooing a small baby to talk, simply then walked away. the cat took its time to quench its thirst, its cute furry face devoid of any expression as cats usually are. you never really know if it was happy or sad. it just looked and acted as what is was. a thirsty cat. it didn't stretch, yawn or purr in contentment but rarely could you easily read a cat's emotion. maybe thats why they are said to be mysterious. aloof and in history revered, even worshipped for being what it is, simply a cat. it could be one with its surroundings and you would never have felt its stealthly presence. or at anytime provoked, then maybe would you feel the tense current of electricity running through its body. the cat later took a turn into one of the street and it did not look back. where it was heading and what was its purpose i wouldn't know *itdidnotwearahathaha* and then my reverie broke and i asked myself why i was so interested in the cat? i was in a cafe by the side of a smal lane crowded with people on a humid friday night. wouldn't the means of the activity buzzing around me be of more interest?

when the cat entered my realm of sight, i felt its thirst. just as i was feeling thirsty to fill the silence and and deafness that cloaked me. was i disconnected from reality i asked myself but yet concious enough to follow the cat's trail and feel its thirstness? i looked down and began another chapter of the book i was reading. the cover scrawled in black and orange, "the big questions - how philosophy can change your life". all the while bob marley was singing about freeing your mind from emancipation. the book combined and compiled by a funny guy *ithought* dared you to THINK. i often find myself laughing while leafing through the short snippets of not funny *realilifeepisodes* examples written simply to explain what is philosophy and how to build our life on our choices of philosophy that can help and change your life for the better *alwayslookonthebrightsideisONLYone* :D

surprise! surprise! i also had my last question *refertoyesterday'sentry* answered! by a real life *CUTEbutmarriedwithkids* airpilot :P the best thing about the cafe is anyone can seat anywhere *hehe* and i shared mine coincidently with the cafe owner, the pilot and an englishman on holiday. they talked, i listened and later when it got too interesting to ignore i braved myself to look up and join in. the difference in salary between a ship captain and an airpilot was in their allowance dar... :) movies, art and culture and music of the locals were discussed and because the owner was a rocker, he was of course a stauch advocate of rock mucis and its themes. everyone eventually left and cafe owner had to go cook up the kitchen while i waited or rather lingered on to wait for a friend. she called to ask if i wanted company earlier on and discuss stuff so i said why not, it was drizzling too so i stayed. i looked at my watch and how time flew! i actually wrote down half of this entry waiting and then it was 1030pm already. bobby smsed to ask if i was coming home *itisaFRIDAYnight* and i felt hungry. i called and che sal said she completely forgot about me and that she already HAD dinner and am at HOME. she repeatedly apologised and said it was a pity that i was alone *blinks* and told me not to get home too late and promised to meet tomorrow after work to discuss the intended weekend away to batam for cheap massage theraphy *itischeapertosharearoom*. i need to detox so i said lets discuss costs sometime and hence the promise to meet. for a bit i was miffed but then again i was glad she didn't show up. my conversations could have been filled with shoes, clothes and probably more gossip about girly stuff. and i don't think che sal appreciated my minah talk anyway and would have felt out of place because cafe owner and i shared a bit of a history *platonic* i would have to act mediator and would have missed the cat! and so i ended the teleconvo with my usual, 'if god wills then tommorow we'll meet' but she quickly planned the day out in smack middle town on a saturday to go shopping :s *gaaaaahhhhhhh* i am seriously considering this trip now.

here i am at home, asam pedas in microwave waiting for me and i spy bibik bayu and powwsters both busy ;) i'm going to assuage my hunger and flipped through a book that brought me to the cafe in the first place. cafe owner's girlfriend insisted i read the book. its an international bestseller it seems, 'thick face, black heart - the warrior philosophy for conquering the challenges of business and life'. she still owes me my arabian nights hah! which is still travelling somewhere around singapore. so more on THAT laters.....hungry nie...

stay sane,
amyemeelea

not new...

how often have you been called crazy lately? apparently, being not seen and heard for long periods at times now equals to 'you are loco!'. reasons popular and accepted before such as 'busy being blindly in love', 'family commitments', 'school assignments' and 'workoholic' just don't cut it anymore with the generals ;) the often scientifically proven genetically and statistically belief that all human beings are social creatures have made me an outcast deserving a permanent home *extended* at the institute of mental health. it doesn't help if your interest is the workings of the mind. apparently it only strengthens the fact that you are crazy. not at all normal :D *yeayyyyyyyyyyyy!* add a little bit of truth that i do once in a while ask for a prescription to ease me from fatigue *apparentlytheyareimmunetothefluvirusunlikeme* and dis-ease *don'tweallhavesadstoriestotell* and ta-daaa! i am a mental. i like being mental and relish being a bad nut so it doesn't bother me the least. i think its adds on to the reality factor that is so much in the craze now :P *heheheh* the more well read would call me an idealist or maybe seriously narcissistic actually. but i don't think you can catch any of what i have by naming me as a friend. just beware of spittle *muahahahaha*

so it is confirmed that we'd be moving to kampong bahru, close to the ports! at keppel distripark!!! *arrrghhh* being in the freight forwarding business we have to be close to the port and it is natural for birds of a feather to flock together. my bet is the low rental we got as office space in the cbd has risen to a high. and we'd still be close enough to tanjong pagar like 6 damn bloody bustops away from raffles place. that would mean that i will have to travel even further to work *dehem* and it will of course costs more! i will have to travel further to school which has recently shifted to a new campus in beach road and by bus too! *gahhh!* my consolation? i have my own reception area with a SOLID wall behind me *hehebleymsn* and we'd be closer to harbour front and a few minutes away from sentosa *likeigothereeveryday* what a dilemma but i am giving it a try. i have never worked in that part of singapore before so it will be intresting...*rollseyes* maybe i should ask for a raise? since i'd be spending more on transport :D

i think it is a sign to go pick up my license or something...or move to telok blangah! well....*mumbles* i think i'd better go get some shut eye now before i get really grouchy thinking about it all. time to pull my trusty blankie of stoic calm and see if it will slowly make me more agreeable to moving just when i thought i have finally settled down. its either there or changi airport terminal siak where the other half of the office is moving too :(

keppel? changi? keppel? changi? keppel? changi? how much do you think the difference is in salary is between a ship captain and an airpilot be?? *cough* ;) help please????

stay sane,
amyemeelea

the weekend...

after a terrible night on friday, i popped a happy pill to rest. woke up and i was determined to not let the days past affect my decision to fight for my beliefs. how flawed am i as a human being to not fear infidelity? i'm just the jealous type ;) no no like to share....my feet felt heavy but a picture of hapiness awaited me in yishun. we were to spend the day at sentosa beach!

we finally reached destination by 4pm and it was too short! but the 3 terrors as always were just as happy and excited to go for another adventure! we spent the night at sham's who hosted me and the 3 terrors at telok blangah. and it was great relief! i didn't think i would make it back to yishun with "are we there yet x 100000000" ringing in my ears all they way back from sentosa to yishun. sham made it possible for me to make up for the short time spent at the beach by having a movie night with kids. all eight of us cramped in the lving room, lights out and screaming our heads of watching 'final destination 3'. it was funny too because there were boobies flashed during the movie and it was cute to see how 'soooooome' of the kids quickly shut their eyes to avoid the nudity *naughtynaughty* sham's three boys plus my three terrors took to each other fast and even though plagued by nightmares that night, it was FUN! sham and me spent quality time in the kitchen till 3 am after the kids slept nervously huddled together, gaining strength in numbers to fight the oncoming nightmares *hehe* we both succumbed to fatigue and greeted the next day at 12 noon! breakfast was french toast with nutella or peanut butter to be washed down by milo. then it was tv time till a trip to telok blangah hill for more morbid playtime. we just had to go up the hill where they found the murdered girl's body :D

took a bus to outram mrt and then terror 1 and 2 learnt how to buy tickets for the train ride. terror 2 amazed me by being such the tiny gentleman. he carried stuff and behaved the perfect boy! *gush* and terror 3 took her afternoon nap on the train. she droooled!! and then we rewarded ourselves with drinks from 7 11 before dinner at kak tina's where towards the evening, i lost my temper at terror 1 because i was ready to faint from tiredness. bobby and shikino being the darlings they are helped me with the kids back to hougang and *phew* it was back home to catch up with me time. after MY movie about fidel castro, i switched on the pc to blog on my feelings about the movie. you know fire in da belly stuff on politics, humanitarian issues and passion. docu was directed by oliver stone and smack i ran into bibik baiyu on msn! so i forgot about what i wanted to blog about *sheepish* da fire got doused by my sexcitedness brought on by my convos with bibik *waves* somewhere from inside, the embers still glowed but maybe another night. i am waiting for the room to cool before i slip under the covers to rejuvenate myself for another work week. sexcited about new books to read coming my way! jujitsu! archery! HORSE RIDING!!!!and reflections of friendships solidified by compromise and honesty. trust is built on the experience of being real about yourself and even if i don't believe in your convictions, i will not judge you. you have to get to know me to trust me on this as all the time spent in the world will bring to naught if all the time you were beside me only to drift away into narrow mindedness and past comparisions *lethalcombo* :)

if i were to judge you as someone i know very well by the time spent togther, then you would have been my bestest friend in the whole wide world because we spent almost 3 years stuck together like cojoined twins. yet...sadly, you couldn't even begin to understand how it hurt to know you compromised my trust by lying to me about the very simplest things. i heart you much and will miss your company but i will never bow to forced fear and threats. its just not me, i can only try to tame that selfish part of me to your will but alas....a lie is a lie. and i can't and will not tolerate repeated lies, even under the pretext of how the truth will hurt me. you must know what strong vile stuff i am made off. i marvel at the simplicity of how a heart felt nervous jaunt of 3 hours between fair weathered strangers can be more real than being with you for these 3 years. as i wish you much happiness with those you r-e-s-p-e-c-t with your honesty. i wish for powwsters, sham, baiyu, waty and suhaidah the bestest of my attention, my r-e-s-p-e-c-t and honesty within the short spurts in time we have spent time together. online? offline?? mere seconds? minutes? hours? days never ending to eternity? does it really matter?

do i sound single yet?!!!! :P *muahahahahahah*

*enjoying* melly goeslaw ft ari lasso courtesy of powwsters *heartlu*

Tiba-tiba engkau ada
kemudian engkau hadir
laksana kerdil ku memeluk
lihat aku lebih dalam
di matamu ku melihat
ada cinta yg tersirat
sirami hati merebak

barangkali aku salah
ku terdiam bukan bisu
tahu engkau besar malu
tutupi rasa gelisah

*biar saja waktu nanti
yg menikmati kisah ini
bersamamu aku senang

reff:
belum juga kah kau menyadarinya
akulah yg pantas untuk kau cintai
di bawah langit biru aku bersumpah
diriku tanpamu apa artinya cinta
arti cinta ini sudah menelan waktuku
siang malam hanya untuk pikirkan engkau
sejuta kali aku berani bersumpah
diriku tanpamu apa artinya cinta

stay sane,
amyemeelea

see what i mean?

----- Original Message -----
From: gua
To: aksyenhensem. ; 'kakakku1' ; makminahtempe ; 'makmok; 'thechosenone' ; 'ms.iambetterthanyou' 'ms.kuniang' ; mrgatalz ; 'kakakku2 ; mr.niceentah ; 'kayel'; harrapotek
Cc: 'ms.tub-o-shitte ; 'mr.straightasanarrow'
Sent: Saturday, March 17, 2007 10:38 AM
Subject: Re: CIRCULAR - Quotation for Local & LCL Cargo Transportation

Dear Aksyenhensem,

Noted your comments and shall avoid at all costs such remarks in future and focus on my job.

Please accept my sincerest apologies as I have wasted your time.

Best/Gua

----- Original Message -----
From: aksyenhensem
To: gua; 'kakakku1' ; makminahtempe ; 'makmok' ; 'thechosenone'; 'ms.iambetterthanyou'; 'ms.kuniang' ;mr.gatalz; 'kakakku2 ; mr.niceentah; 'kayel' ; 'harrapotek'
Cc: 'ms.tub-o-shitte ; 'mr.straightasanarrow
Sent: Saturday, March 17, 2007 10:25 AM
Subject: RE: CIRCULAR - Quotation for Local & LCL Cargo Transportation


Amy, such remarks infuture, don’t appreciate it. Try to focus on your job.


Regards makel aksyenhensem

From: gua
Sent: Saturday, March 17, 2007 9:53 AM
To: aksyenhensem; 'kakakku1'; makminahtempe; 'makmok'; 'thechosenone'; 'ms.iambetterthanyou'; 'ms.kuniang'; mr.gatalz; 'kakakku2'; mr.niceentah; 'KayeL'; harrapotek'
Cc: 'ms.tub-o-shitte' ; 'mr.straightasanarrow'
Subject: Re: CIRCULAR - Quotation for Local & LCL Cargo Transportation

And the prize goes to Vikas for being astute! ;)

Thank you....

----- Original Message -----
From: aksyenhensem
To: gua; 'kakakku1' ; makminahtempe; 'makmok' ; 'thechosenone' ; 'ms.iambetterthanyou'; 'ms.kuniang' ; mr.gatalz; 'kakakku2' ; mr.niceentah; 'kayel' ; harrapotek
Cc: 'ms.tub-o-shitte'; 'mr straightasanarrow'
Sent: Friday, March 16, 2007 9:35 PM
Subject: RE: CIRCULAR - Quotation for Local & LCL Cargo Transportation

No attachment!


Regards makkel aksyen hensem

From: gua
Sent: Friday, March 16, 2007 4:26 PM
To: aksyenhensem; kakakku1; makminahteme; makmok; thechosenone; ms.iambetterthanyou; ms.kuniang; mr.gatalz, kakakku2; mr.niceentah, Kayel; harrapotek
Cc: ms.tub-o-shitte; mr.straightasanarrow
Subject: CIRCULAR - Quotation for Local & LCL Cargo TransportationImportance: High

Dear All,

Attached circular is for your perusal and information safekeeps.

Thank you & Best regards,
Gua, Ms
Admin Pao Semua Bodel Semua Asst.
Da nak pindah pong
Building nak roboh
DID : (65) 6880 ---- Fax : (65) 6323 ----
Email : guapunya@pasalLAH.com

Does it really matter?

The flu I was down with lasted till today. My body still aches and life has been pretty much a whack! Two more people left the company either by force or willingly, I dare not even speculate. Another one is confirmed to go for greener pastures out there *PLEASEGOalready* and we have just Ms. Fake Lashes who can’t decide if she wants to leave or not. I think she is still hoping for that payrise. We are also moving soon to god knows where and I overheard over the grapevine that it might even be as far as Kaki Bukit. Oh! Ms. tub-o-shitte just told me that everyone is contributing to pay my salary, everyone is working hard to feed me and that money does not grow on trees! Just because I stood up to her and justified my actions of many Saturdays spent sick at home and the piled filing behind my desk and not to forget complaints about me behaving much more like a senior in the company than a junior. What else was there? How I must always tell everyone where I go and where I am because NO ONE except the TELEPHONE OPERATOR can pick and redirect all calls. Who cares if each of them has a direct line and that each department has their own hunting lines! then, mr. Owl in the pretext of trying to read as always, what is on my screen comes from behind and asks, “what are you always reading amy?” it is BUT my hotmail arhh! Because I can’t get incoming emails from our server you idiot >( and don’t tell me I need to NEVER visit hotmail siak! and what the hell! The big boss says in passing, that the reason I am so forgetful is because I smoke too much when I can’t even go pee, photocopy or do anything else in this snitches paradise. All this bad, negative vibes, talk and action I get from a company who has yet done an proper appraisal before confirming me and its been 2 months into confirmation without receiving my appointment letter. *rollseyes*

it seems to keep coming back to me, chronic mismanagement by middle managers who don’t seem at all secure or satisfied with what responsiblities they have. This feeling of being cheated just exploded the other day and I did the unthinkable….i screamed at ms. Tub-o-shitte. :P it is me, sick and very tired of repeating the same old coping mechanisms over and over again. But of course I apologised afterwards *ahems* I read in passing a reader sugeested that one should not blog about work? Ah-because?!!! I think the reason was because it is just so wrong to bite the hand that feeds you *whatadumbass* And just yesterday when I watched tv, students were arguing whether bloggers are getting more influential than journalists. It was a tough call but yes, I agreed with the judges…the boys were more tight in putting their points across and dumping it on the gals when they were hyperventilating already *hehe* with a smile to boot. I couldn’t really hear the boys at times because they were trying to squeeze a whole lot encyclopedia bits on blogging, ethics lar, area and level of influence lar! And I heard a bit about publishing and not to forget the ever present statistics of this and that to back up ones argument. I just sat there inspired still a couch potato *forthatmoment* nonetheless : )


IFEELCHEATED ah!!!!! But strangely, there my outbursts stop. More coping with distractions. At least the pay is way better than my last place. At least I don’t have to wear a jumpsuit. At least it is not shift work. At least once a day, there’s always someone telling me how much they appreciate my thoughtfulness :) or that I look like amy mastura! *blueek* add on enough for the blog it in bits on where I can remember and then go home watch something on tv *thatilikelar* and blow some steam off. Isn’t that ALL that we do? *seething* but at least I am not doing anything in particular toooOooooo much to distract from feeling bad, worst and dead. No..you can’t overdose on sleep; only slight side effects. Nothing that I can’t handle :P as I have comitted myself to do my very best and to stick around till god knows when! I will have to work the wheel like a good rat in training I am ;) just that this rat has a few tricks up my skinny tail.

Feel Bad ---> distract and do a reality check. is my perception of the situation correct? Did I make sure I everyone wore their I-am-stupid-sticker on their forhead? Frustrated ----> distract and analyse if the situation is unfair, meaning that they didn’t warn me of their stupidity by wearing their stickers, FORCE them to wear the stickers. Still persists and now leading to feeling Depressed -----> distract by asking one last time why they still refuse to acknowledge their stupidity with or without them stickers! then there is nothing left to do but forgive : ) just remember to smile very sweetly and hold in all that vomit before excusing yourself to the toilet and heave carefully into the toilet bowl. Make sure no one hears you though and none spilled on the floor……..weeeeeeeee! it sure is FUN >) it is good for the heart they say, these forms of exercise. but it does STOP these vicious cycles from eating you up. And remember to always have fun with people who know how to have fun.

“the heart has its reasons which reason does not know” – blaise pascal.. and i don't know why i can't bold unbold and do what not to my entry :( only blog knows...

Stay sane,
amyemeelea