a good trip without mariam

it was to jogja and back, a birthday treat from karna. five fufilling days of my wishes fufilled no questions asked nor planning needed. i just took care of the tickets and it was free sailing all the way. fantastic couldn't justify the trip nor could the word awesome fill the gaps of the smallest experience. food was dirt cheap and we ate simply. if you count steaks and nasik gudeg the local speciality simple. we swam and and laughed a lot. i nodded to sleep in between rest time and marvelled at sights i only had to wish aloud. karna made it all possible. even the terrors were not left out of the experience as we trekked sights and sounds to record for them. i left the phone switched on but it wasn't brought on the road. all the photos taken were by karna, the most poignantly delicious left imprinted in our memories. i was a very happy hippie kitty in old soul jogja.

one irritating thing was the fact that i couldn't go! i ate all the fruits and veges i could get my hands on but no solid waste wanted to flush out. slightly bloated, i sucked in my tummy for bikini shots hehe. the trek up the mountains left me bretaheless and i saw rabbits skinned to be eaten as satay *bleargh* karna joked if i wanted to buy the skins back as rugs when he saw my scrunched up face at the thoaught of furry little things being eaten. well! he ate bats for godsakes!! i'd do the disgusting when there is no other alternantive on the principle of surviving of curse *gag* still it will be hard to eat anything so cute!

we got back and its been mad to say the least. cathing up on work and then trying to co-ordinate the move at the same time. bobi was surprisingly nice last night when i asked for an extension. he probably felt embarassed withmy outburst via sms. i just didn't get the numerous questions of when. yes, we do have a problem showing shreds of affection we have left for each other but usually we cover up our gaffes with good humour. that is more than enough for me at least. blood will always be thicker than water but that doesn't mean it couldn't thin at all. asparin will do just nicely if you ask any heart patient.

while we were gone the dear old mentor for singlalaland launched a book. karna was called right after for his comments. he was cooking soup hehe. we didn't entertain any work while in jogja yet his pulse on the undercurrents of his pet subject was impecable. the dutch radio took all of 15 minutes and then it was over. i was listening hard but i couldn't realy guess what it was. it was only the next day at work that i found out the source of recent minister lee's brouhaha. the racket online and amongst friends were about his book and HE had to say something quite discrimantory about the malay muslims in singapore. obviously whenever he opens his mouth, many sinagporeans, even those who don't know if they can vote sit up and pay attention.

no one in the community dared to speak up agaisnt the old man. he is the all powerful afterall. here was the guy attacking the malay muslims in sinagpore for being exclusive and now more strict with their beleifs. he proposed that muslims in singapore should be LESS strict with our practices and try to live to be more secular *jeng jeng jeng* he noted that the ministers of the past used to fish and drink with him but now, they ask if the food is prepared halal. wokay..the man was walking down memory lane lar. so give chance? turns out now between the two senile men of bongoland and singlaland is trying to best each other whose more bonkers in the head :p

stay sane,

j.amyemeelea

whats your worth? i mean POINT!

from ghostly whispers, a question was raised. do we compare currents with our exes? i believe its inevitable as we're comparing all the time and base our actions on decisions and more decisions. an ex *ahemssssssssssssharkpTUiii* (you don't have to guess WHICH one) told me recently that he made his choice between his wife and me based on 'the road that he want to follow'. i assumed he was speaking about the highway road to heaven when he decided on her and since he didn't elaborate, i shut my trap from further pick-your-brain follow up questions BECAUSE........>)

I DON'T CARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

every time i do compare i say a prayer for the dead and leave it to rest. its like how you throw salt over your shoulders to avoid bad luck for some. i think its to blind the devil or something. it just means that i don't like to bring up the dead and IF they do so come up in my consciousness, it means that either soul is restless. what else can one do but say a prayer right? as compared to you who then placate yourself with 'not everyone is perfect and since i'm married now so i must be content' thoughts and mode of action. you're right, YOU made that choice and you CHOSE her. the best woman won i said to be polite *hurrayyyyyyyyy* BUT no....you have to point out that she isn't best. you added that, i was in comparison to her much better in some aspects but not others. of course THIS was WHEN you were still comparing kasos to moi~ i didn't FIT ler obviously as i'm not something your wear on your feet you know! *faceplam*

again....i bit my fingers before i could type I DON'T CARE!!! only to have you ask me *coughscover!coughsss* curious questions about the my sex life and if karna believes in God?

*doublefaceplam* but i forgive you for your bouts of 'curiosity', maybe not forgive but bley layan ah.

does it make you feel better that i'm happy? are you really glad that things are going well for me? do you really believe its your wishes for me that made me happy now? it was really hard for you too you said? and at least you were honest to me about kasos right? you ONLY did what was best for you and her at the time. you both decided that THIS is best and errr...where did all the above leave me? wait!!! are you insinuating that you're just 'making do' with wifey? settling for second best? and believe love will come later?

i believe you told me in addition to above, no no no..REMINDED me to not compare especially AFTER the 'i do, till death do us part' vows. *ARGHHHHHughhhhhhhhhh* at that moment, it still didn't occur to you that, I'M NOT into comparing at current and exes at all. i couldn't even bring MYSELF to date another while i was busy making a fool out of myself with you. all those wasted years (okay~~~ i was still the willing party no doubt) i still cuckolded myself to believe that i WAS the better woman. it was only after you finally, FINALLY...OWN up (yeaps, red handed buddy~) 1 month before getting hitched that i hit myself in the head and told myself to kick the bucket.

i mean....do we really need to go through this all over again? why the @*!&*&^$*(&#(!^#$*%$@* is my block and delete not working when its supposed to be working. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! *pushkick*

*burp*

okay, i feel much better.

stay away,

emeelea

ps: we have expressed our gratitude and accepted the path forward to live with each our conscience. nie kes sua macam rekord buruk tau, silap hari bulan betol peh kena humban.

will and wit...au contraire

birthday celebrations started way early but i was being blase about. save for bits of excitement that bubbled up sporadically since new year 2011. i was haggling with myself about resolutions even when i gave up the idea of having any for quite sometime *hehehe* but the fire puja did what it was intended for, i do feel more free.

so the cartons are at home in the midst of being filled and then i'm in the middle of an audit at work *bleargh* the night before birthday was a meeting night and ended up in the office till 10pm. IT FEELS LIKE beginnings are running towards me at the speed of a bullet TRAIN and i.can.just.about.COMBUST.

*faint*

i forgot how it feels to be working hard and playing harder. i went to have a quick look at the new place in woodslalaland. finally, a birthday wish come true and have a hole in the wall to call my own. roomie (housie?) turned out to be way cool and very independant. you can't fault a 21 year old gal who has her own crash pad. it took me about 2 hours to get 'home' via bus but it was during peak hours so serve me right for staying till late at the office. i have a sun and a moon in the room, a single bed that has a pull out so i can sleep top and bottom if i so desire but more so for the terrors when they sleep over. yeah so i have to travel to the bathroom but so far the other 2 rooms is still empty. it be just ms. housie and me. sweeeeeeeeeeeeeet. it looks very much like the study room it used to be but my desk and the dressing table will fit right in. not so sure how the purple boudoir look will be able to fit but i'll make do. maybe add a few glow in the dark stars for some effect hehehe

its work and more packing tomorrow but i'll have the terrors help me out. they'd like the fact that the place is still fairly close. we have an oven and a huge living room. i do't know where i'd put ALL my books though and the house needs some time to be lived in.

birthday so far has been a balst and i LOVE all my presents. overload from karna who did nothing but shopped for me on his last trip. i got many things yindian! *haha* but somehow the melancholic streak in me still tugs :) maybe its the news that there is a 13th zodiac lurking somewhere out there that makes me a sagitarius instead of a capricock :p first things first, get my butt over the new place and try to settle in as much as i can then its another birthday round to the land of the shadows. afterwhich i really need to take time and be still. we spoke about moving away and completely detaching ourselves from the 'unimportant' and slowly the fact that we all do move away and some to never come back rings more honest.i like that and would like to make a stop only to be in moments i want to stay in. even momentarily before moving on forward again. time doesn't move backwards right? yet it does in the fallible human mind.

have i changed or did everything else left me behind? why does illuminati (add.com later) spelled backwards lead to the NSA website???? *hurhurhur* now its invite mr. sandman and to sniff old laundry to sleep *bliss* dream of purple boudirs and of maharani sarees :D not to forget a proper hike up the mountains to see the plains of java. i don't think i have CARGO PANTS *gasp* but bikini i have a few wooooooots! please God. make me STILL.

stay sane,
j.amyemeelea

ps: a year older and they all say its just a number but what a start to doubles it IS. you can't cry hard enough but one can stop and stay still if will and wit so desires. hello den and HELLO karna's SWAMP DEN :D

that lump in my throat..

turning the pages i flip
then flop
then thwHack a tight slap...

of coos and ahhs and the many sniffs
i sneered, then snuffed at the pages cold
the pictures don't flick...

though the heart did a flippity flop
it slinked, to slump my
shoulders slunk in a low bow...

not there in physical flesh
neither could i be in a flash
yet in spirit i whisper...

in silence to feel and to hope
of courage, compassion and love
to the terrors 1, 2 and 3...

we seek, we strive before to soar
way up the sky nigh high
will each of your destiny reach...

feel the pride, have my beaten soul
a little and all to firmly hold
salute my little terrors...

be bold! mama's peeking beyond graces fold.......

j.amyemeelea

ps: maybe some day, instead of your first days at school, i will have the pleasure of handing you each your convocation roll. it shall say 'permanent head damage' or PHD for short :D *bows* hopeful by then i won't be too old bwahahahaha...

its counting to...

kama's coming back to singy AND of course my birthday wooooooooooooooooooooHOOOOOOOOOO!! he didn't sound so good today because of the runs he got from some flying virus. or maybe its the thought of coming back to the mundane. holidays do that to you. its 3 more days and i'm expecting a lot of cuddling to happen over the weekend PLUS we're making confirmations for the trip to shadow land. where i'm promised naughty bits like skinny dipping hehehe... >)

i bought a small pocket emoley monthly journal PLUS an A5 blank emoley.J to accompany thoughts into 2011. the trip to kinokuniya and walking parts of orchard that day was therapeutic. by 130pm i was in a taxi to far east plaza and stopped over at far east plaza to have wantan mee at puncak. quite dissapointing but its one of those old time hang outs that i just had to drop by. in black and heels, my bag carrying from majapahit to putrajaya AND the spirit of wood *slapforehead* to keep kama close i ALMOST broke my heels not to mention my back. i made calls to reserve my emoleys beforehand and it was nice to know they kept good stockpiles of moleskines there. yes! i am for the snob appeal, designed in italy but made in china *prrrft* heart fell a bit there but its a signature i want to keep.

in addition to my emoleys, i bought another book on the tarot by rachel pollack (who knew she was a transsexual?!!), a new deck of tarot cards in art noveau style and last but not least for jokey fun, i added 'Heidegger and a Hippo Walk Through Those Pearly Gates' by Thomas Cathcart & Daniel Klein. it was the eve of new year, i was missing kama (and eberyone in between) and i thought how better to ruminate; explore life, death and the afterlife by using old fogey jokes. it rained a bit and it was hard to find a corner to smoke. my feet were SCREAMING murder!!! and i needed to pee so i took the underground to wheelock reminding myself NO BORDERS en route before i stopped at a very crowded rubi store (they sell cheap shoes) and grabbed a pair of bling-bling sandals to wear. it was ANY excuse to get out of my heels so i braved the queue and waited in line to pay for my 5 dollar find ONLY to be asked for 15 dollars! *(&#@@&*$^@*&$@*()

i didn't fret too much and got her to cut the strings and wore them there and then. got to pee at wheelock which was tahnkfully not crowded and slap-slap my feet lazily in search of coffee and smokes. not many spots have smoking tables now :( but i spotted TCC across pacific plaza to have an outdoor seating area. and luck has it! it was "an irish coffee PLUHLEASEEEEEEEEEEEE" the minute i sat down and rubbed my soles. as a matter of habit, i went thorugh my purchases and unwrapped them, kama updated me on his jaunts up udaipur's temples and we promised to do the countdown later that night.

the taxi driver i got on the way back was a very funny guy and we laughed all the way back. he was happy to stay away of town. anyway, most celebrations are now neatly planned in the heartlands so i'm sure it'd be evenly spread. at home, i plunked everything and got comfy and SLEEPY. kama as promised was on the line to wish me a happy new year. m fire puja remained as a to do and did but i couldn't burn everything in the toilet. i heard the fireworks go off at causeway point! yeaps, we have that much budget hor~ and then dozed off..i did set the alarm for kama's countdown and he beeped affirmative to 'burning the past and regrets with his own fire ritual' and prayed for US. he taped the fireworks for me and rambled about the small gifts he got for the terrors.

i did ponder and wonder to biks why we as muslims don't feel so much during muharram and somehow it all falls redundant by then. you feel what you feel and you take very opportunity to say thanks in any manner (anytime) to say thanks. give blessings. but!! i digress. on a lighter note, i woke up and it was 1st january :)

good tidings to ALL and may the new year reap what we each sow. nurture and put loving thoughts to.

stay sane,
j.amyemeelea

ps: all i want for my birthday is.....................MEOWRRRRRRRRRR~ >)