the plight of the da'if..

You ask questions, you bring forth topics to discuss and debate, you highlight inconcguarties and then try to reconcile differences. U seek for uniformity in things that were revealed t you via books, conversations and direct experience (like teevee!!) . U share because you care I guess. You didn’t know whether what you had in your grasp was good or evil but it intrigued you to no end that you must speak about it. So you do.

You’re like the hermit lost in darkness. Or the fool lost in his dreams. Dare I say you are as bent as the rib of man. You feel the anxiety and dread of confusion. Where do you go with this heaviness in your heart? How do you ease the burdens of knowledge that is pressing you down. Will you be able to reveal these questions and answers that you seek? You are BENT *hurhurhur* to find out! ….by any means necessary.
So you go to those whom you trust. Those who are closest to you as well as those who have lead you by example of good deeds and of reputable character. Most often than not, you would choose someone who has shown you love. This someone you look upon as a teacher. Your teacher. To them you pour your anguish, your innermost honest opinions and your fears. You plead ignorance but more often than aught, you challenge these people to make you understand. UNBENT me you ask.

But……..

Many of those you approach label you as difficult, argumentative. They find it difficult to reach out to you because you’re incoherent. They can’t make out your needs, your intention! Maybe some won’t even judge and trust their own inticnts and just leave you to grope in the dark. you lack in enthusiasm they reason politely. One must not qyestion instead just follow what is said letter by letter, no questions asked please. You push forward trying to reach level ground. Instead of looking you in the eye and try to square you, they Iet you go and solve your own questions because as it IS – you are not a responsibility. Only a choice. Worst are those others who try to break you down by force and ultimatums till you either get bent out of shape or *ishkk* you get bent broken :(

*exhale*

Do you know the difference between plain ignorance and arrogance? *tsssskKK*

stay as you are,

emeelea

ps: yang bertakhta akhirnya sings m. nasir.....aku akur, hanya jauhari mengenal manikam...sangat LAIN tak sama dengan johari mengenal maniam!

rife with ulterior motives.

like why poke poke me in facebook like for the gazillionth time huhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh? but the witty repartee made my day hehe..too bad his status read 'in a relationship' and should i be reading any thruth into it? espescailly when mine still reads 'married' :p

i'm seriously thinking of deleting my facebook profile but it hasn't turned scary yet. at most just minor mishaps of reading too much into the 'typo' of things. can't say ALL are freudian slips huh? well, i enjoy the camaderie of solipismsssssssssssss no matter how banal it can get at times. *jumpswithjoyforFAILBOOK*

can you fake a social life? actually its so damn easy nowsadays, the number of friends you have (in this steady graph, the higher you go apprently is good) equals too how 'busy' or how 'happening' your social life is. but how's that evil huh? well it depends on how you put it into context right? from your own perspective of course.

and you're safe till you start looking at the number of friends you have and wonder why it goes up and down erratically and then send some frantic messages across to ask 'are you there or NOT there' every few days or so. i stopped it when i realised that i was becoming facebook stalker *muahahaha*

so a prominent ex minister died and we got a live telecast. the news were all about waht he did and who he did it with. a small gesture to remind us of our roots and history anyway. i didn't think it would piss off anyone till i read a shout to say 'we are wasting time, money bla bla bla when no one is watching.' my first reaction is where's is your sense of patriotism? and the other was, i wonder if they are rehearsing for the BIG LTOkay-why death somehow? does anyone remember if we had a live telecast of President Ong Teng Cheong's death huh? that said, Mr Goh...I think you did a splendid job as a Minister and although i do not GET why some of your policies haven't changed somewaht since you retired in 1984...i salute you Sir! May you rest in peace.

then my mumi had to tell me she sees me on facebook pretty late. which is not weird at all considering the fact that i have yet again fucked up my sleep clock. i go around reading status updates, checking out new photos and generally spare the one liners to people who matter on my list. yeaps, helps with soccer co-ordianting too since all the gals in the team has an account. espescailly those below age 23 :D but most of all its a good excuse (very narcistic if you ask me) to use the number of friends you have as a reason you don't get out to meet and greet people who do matter.

fwen no 147 : hey! i haven't seen you for ages and it takes forever to book a date out with you. don't you love/care/like/want to me see me anymore!!! *whinewhine* so lets do something pronto!

moi : of course i love/care/like/want to meet you silly! but have you SEEN the number of friends i have?

fwen147 : yeah man...you have 1234 frens altogether! so hot man..are you sellling drugs or something?

moi: yeaps..and in a year, we have only 365 days sometimes less so IF i were to meet every single one of them individually each day to sahow how much i love/care/like/want to be with them. guess what would ahppen?

fwen147: err....mass orgy?

*slapslap*

moi : no lar!! then when will i have time to sleep, shitte, read or do anything else huh?

:p

on a few occasions they just laugh it off and forgive me lar but most often than that i'd get a big stare of "WTF" back at me >D

as a rule, i personally don't add anyone i do not know personally to my list and HUGE no no to family aged 40 and above (that keeps the brothers, sister in laws, uncles and aunties at safe distance) then i kinda felt bad when i didn't add moms and pops of really really close friends. aunts an uncles included so i added them ONLY after making sure they stay on the restricted access thingy. which took a lot of time to do creating these privacy lists! *grrrrr* till i realised, it was never meant to be anything serious at all. hence..i stopped...i don't get much requests anyway *hurhurhur*

*brakessssssssss* the bridezilla on lithium just called me and ask about 'bunga sri lat lat'??????????? i told her to use it in a sentence and she told me her friends just smsed to explain its the flowers held by the groom usually with sirih and what not and that she's so confused already. here confused means - could you do it for me please? *UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH* i told her that it was her mak andam's responsibility to ensure its to be given to the groom together with his clothes to wear on sunday and to not worry about it since her wedding is naturally MODERN. why should she think it important anyway? *prfttttttttttttttttttt*

i hate unpreparedness.

now I've just lost ALL my mood again cos bobi just knocked on my door with a letter from the bank!

KILL me plssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss..like NOW.

stay sane,
j.amyemeelea

ps: if i DO wave goodbye to rows of you while walking through the customs gate at the airport by end of this year. I AM CHANGING MY CAREER TO DREAMER MAKE CAME TRUER!!! its hello~~ miles and miles of sand and goodbyeeeeeeeeeeeeeee hurts and disappointments. don't worry about the terrors, they'd be thrilled to know they can actually FLY over for hols. truly the concept of 'hijrah' needs my focus and attention now. thanks debster...i owe you babysitting hours when i get there *hugssssssssssssssssssskish* nope..tell donster i don't mind the camels because i have work experience in the stables LOLOLOL...err, do camels live in stables or not ehk?

Pungguk

Sunyi sepi
Degupan berapi
Waktu ini
Tak berdiri
Entah mati

Hati ini
Tiada lagi
Dicalit hitam
Tidak pergi
Mungkin selamanya

Jangan bicara
Biar tuli
Mati hati
Tiada peduli
Memori pergi

Belai diri
Belenggu kasih
Beda segalanya
Pasrah rembulan
Aku terima

........

Tulus seadanya,
Melati

Never be your setting stone

Starlite bintang brite

1^st bintang, I see tonite

I wish I may, I DOA I mite

God forbid I be your bride

EVAR! ---- !!!!!

*muahahahaha* yeah....the idea was corny!! And forgive me I'm suffering from 'mantrax' again, that's a clued-cluedo that I've been binging on Sex in da city :p PLUS...mat kental got me hooked on Olivia wildeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee *meowrrrrrrrrrrr*

And that's lethal as a combo *cough*

So I was at my sister's yesterday trying to calm the nerves of my niece whose gonna be a bride in give and take 2 weeks pronto! Everyone gets the nerves even the grooms but of course, the macho species just ride it as they know how. Which is, well...macho is as macho does – nothing.

My niece on the other hand, ACTS like a bundle of frazzled nerves on lithium! I nearly had to choke her *really* plus a few tight slaps to sober her up and keep her on reality track. OF COURSE I am happy she's getting married for god sakes BUT I had to remind her "love is blind; marriage gives you back your sight".

I am the 'aunt-slash-sister' sitter to the bride. Basically, I am to *try* negotiate (drill into her skull somehow) into my niece's pure wedded bliss idealism; her mom's well worn wisdom of womanhood backed up by years and years of experience. I TRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! Then, I am also in charge of the bride's room. Actually I MADE sure I was in charge because I didn't believe in paying a farken 2 thousand dollars for decor-on-loan. Only to have it torn down right afterwards *prrft* Sometimes immediately.

Better spend the money on FOR keeps I say and so together we invested the money, time and loads of sweat to do up a nice simple yet TASTEFULLY done decor that they could enjoy for loOOooooooong after the wedding is over. Kind of like pay back for all those years babysitting my 3 terrors:) and to top it off, the bride even agreed with me and is doing all her gifts for him by herself. Yeaps...call me a practical romantic lar but seriously, why shouldn't you do them? I did mine wot? :p

The mom also added:-

• Bunga rampai duty
  
• Mak andam to mom of bride and aunts duty
  
• Dulang hantaran security duty
  
• Change sheets for the 2 day event duty (we wanted both days to be different)
  
• Co-ordinator for 'bride surprise' duty
  
• Last but not least, the greet host by the gazebo duty
  

*phew* I take it all as practice yo! No no, NOT for my impending wedding (a gal can hope *sigh*) but more so in preparation for the terrors. Which is far far far farrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr away. Hopefully by then, mama terror has millions stashed away under the mattress. The truth is Money DOES solve a lot of wedding problems ;P

And I think I'm doing a good job so far hehe. T the wedding is still on and no one has gotten beaten or killed. There were of course the usual skirmishes and the wedding nearly got 'postponed' which in 'Malay wedding terms' is as good as cancelled cos *ahems* the groom had problems. Pandemonium was kept in check because the young guns humbly took the advice and solutions from the elders. It goes without saying that the groom left a very bad taste in everybody's mouth except for the bride *hurhurhur*

UGH...love em or hate them. Well, it's more wedding bells a ringing these coming months and I've got to do what I've always done. Be there IF invited :D

As always, I'd be macho about it and chuck my sharp cynicism out the door so that I'd look sweet, demure and as the family hopes charmingggggggggggggggggggggg wanita melayu terakhir in my kebaya. I did negotiate to wear pants with my top to no avail. They even forbade me to cut my hair! I couldn't even get past wearing a simple kurung on her nikah day *slapforehead*

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...I HATE weddings! Unless its mine lar hehehehehe...and THAT I won't have to worry about lar cos gua memang kaweng selalu, nikah jer sekalik *buahahahahah*

Stay sane,

J.amyemeelea trying NOT to go bonkers with all these wedding talk *barf*

Ps: astaga! Please ehkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk...no tragedy oktober please and no more mahligai mu dari airmata ku songs arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..gua PROMISE (and may lightning strike if i do) takmo rain on your parade :D but hell yes I DONT mind to be singing ala duffy at the top of my lungs. Orh and yes...anyone speaks to me about October weddings will be barfed upon so bad, you'd have vomit in all your orifices FOR DAYS on end! Choose lagu lain for me to sing bley? PUHLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

mystery solved..

Thomas S. Monson once said:
Perhaps the surest test of an individual's integrity is his refusal to do or say anything that would damage his self-respect.

*jeng jeng jeng*

lynx updated her facebook status with "sometimes people put up walls not to keep people out but to see who cares enough to break it down". i read it and couldn't help but smile. i know quite a few people like that. its not necessarily a very good strategy if you want to gain trust from your peers but situationally placed...anything that works best (based on your own experience) shall reap the end goal desired. i LOVE to generalise (a broad brush just makes things easier to finish painting) and call everyone a black kettle but yeaps, truth is i'm jus a wee lil pee-pot my self and BLACK to boot :D

and yes..... the self went poof! for a bit because i was spooked by the ghost of crapdoodle! *lolol* i managed to exorcise the demon (it was a wolf in chicken feathers so to speak) though!! *huraaaaaaaaaay* and come what may..the self is here to stay *amen* its easy once you know how. i did it with a few carefully placed words, lots of understanding and patience, a wee bit of effort and most importantly sincerity from the heart and thats all that are needed to scare away these demons in thier many guises. never underestimate the 'power of silent talking'. abg don sent me an email late april with tips on how to maximise it and then came the ultimate power booster from akhi halim. i have it here and for those intrested for a translation, holler people ;)

how to change any type of fear, tips when faced with demons (whether its a **thing or person)


- FACE it, people/thing. (this is the HARDEST)
- watch and listen.
- project love and patience to the person/thing with compassion in an Endeavour to understand and even enjoy.
- this way you're allowing people/thing to voice their insecurities. You're standing tall for people/thing by momentarily subjugating your ego's needs for theirs.
- you are becoming pro-active rather than re-active and standing tall for people/thing.
- you'd realise you are in fact controlling your dialogue so that the other person/thing can talk and feel more secure.
- no need to dominate, because you don't have to compete.


**i beleive even things have feelings and they might not be able to 'voice it out' but if you 'listen' hard enough, you could definately 'hear' it speak. just like songs?

take above steps and practice as often as you can when you're faced with your demons (devils wear prada or in my case polo/tissot, which makes it easier to face). You will feel scared, confused, angry maybe or even plain right disgusted at first. bit by bit you will realize that by taking the above steps, its fun not to have to do things that you don't want or not like to feel more secure (like go poof! when you really don't want to or say something you don't mean at all). in time, you get to go with the flow with much clarity and peace :) realization will dawn within that you are in fact perpetually secure (FEARLESS! in fact) and the answers to all your ignorance or mystery love songs will be SHOWN to you. sometimes answers LITERALLY thrown at you and shake you up to positive action. ehk? scrap the song ok...that belongs to another story!!:p the booster is in arab though and meant for fellow muslims. BUT! don't let it faze you. rest easy that affirmations/supplications made in ANY language will find it ways ;)

"Allahumma arinal haqqa haqqan warzuq nattiba’ah wa arinal batila batilan warzuqnajtinabah"

now that i'm not living in nauseating fear. what do i do? hunt the terrors down, clean my room, finish my assignments, pack for australia, search for a job, search for a house/room/tree, get my butt back up straight and the list goes on and on and OOOOOOOnnnnnnnnnnn...*arrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!* everything on my next to do list looks like another set of crapdoodle to deal with *prrrft* mak ton is right, i should be called "amy search-ING"

alas........if my search is for the TRUTH, then amy searching pon amy searching lar! and i ain't scared of any truth....even if its as humiliatingly scary as crapdoodle.

stay sane,
j.amyemeelea

ps: biks...thank you for the nudge. banana might fruit 2-3 times but this time...da injek mandul. pisang tinggal hiasan hehehehe...