hate! hate!

you told me to hug a ball?

HOW OFFENSIVE...

but i shall play my cool.

AND FREEZE...

do you really want me to hate you?

I CAN...

should i play into your traps?

GOD HELP ME I WON'T...

will we ever make our way out of this?

I"D MAKE SURE OF IT...

because what are memories but just memories

DIE! DIE! DIE!!!!!

why can't i hate you?

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*killkillkillthepitofmyheart*

stay sane but NEVER you *sob*
amyemeelea

living dreams..STORM

Finally, the end of the FAS Women Challenge Cup.

top row (left from right) : kimmie 'makan kaki', jean goalie mummy, yan unstoppable wedgie, zai hola strikeme, dee budak jahat, mel the captain aye, jiabin ithink, celeste the tank, soo not tired, des barcelona chick.

bottom row (left to right) : lina dark kuda, jiahui mongstar strength, stephie vice stripper, beds heart attack, haz wonder kecik, moi, shihui da missing, kidd priestess bola.

not in picture : crystal mid wonder, farah saya goalie.

we lost the challenge and didn't' make it through the next round. and we got totally trashed haha. imagine an end total of above 30 *morecoughgoalscough* scored against us with a total of 6 games played. the greatest humiliation was the game where we lost 26 nil on HOME ground! *faint* our saving grace was the lone goal scored by zai hola strikeme who promised a goal in our last game. it wasn't easy being part of this team. what do expect when you have girls living the dream of samba soccer? i pity our then coach *blesshistorturedsoul* for being brave enough to take us on. but in the end he quit wot?! there was the need to have more players, the strive to get fit, the necessity to perfect our technicalities and then the overlapping bitchy emotions running amok to contend with. from the lost of gals then gaining some later only to lose them again due to unforeseen circumstances lead to the remaining having to question the loyalty and commitment of those who stayed. from the hard courts of futsal to the la di da of let's just play field finally to the vision of setting up a real football club; the above gals made the cut through all the drama and turbulent trying times just to live a dream. and a dream it was and reality it will be.

i really should get started on that book huh? *muahahaha* its been slightly less than a year and it seems like a whole life time. obviously we lost more than we won anything but to be sure...TO THE CORE! TO THE HEART~!!! we WON gals! we WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!! defiantly in my books, we won the hardest and most elusive prize of all, which is to stay as a PRIDE *roarrrrrrmeow* words cannot say how proud i am to be part of this team and how much i'm willing to sacrifice to ensure that all our sweat, tears and not forget laughter stays in existence. plus, i am suffering from recent heartbreak and you guys keep me sane *muahaha*

there were many disagreements and too many episodes of wrenching heartbreak hiccups to even mention lar. lost of sponsorship, no players, no coach, no equipment, no discipline and yada yada yada...but hey! WE are STILL here. of course we are no bastard bitches that bit the hand that fed us. he who shall not be named shall be remembered as the one who started it all. 'maybe' God bless his tortured soul ;) lets pray really really hard for him otey and i hope we can bury all disappointments individually and collectively to start anew as i certainky have ;) PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE....

so i hope the call to band together tighter and more solid as before will not be disappointing hor! *crossfingerstoesandeyes* for all that is worth, its the future of dreams calling each of us strong..not to forget NEW COACH *ahemstohari* new players, new goals!, new everything!! gals!!! rally up...the team needs you. remember when i nearly gave up and you each made me stay? please now remember and take to heart each your plea and turn it into pledge. its now or never gals, let's really make this happen.

till i see you gals again....very very soon kicking balls! i quote crystal mid wonder, "can't wait to see all of us WINNING together." here's to the champions of my bola heart \m/ YOU GALS rock my SOCKS *hurhurhur*

stay sane,

jahatamyemeelea

ps: oh yah! the nicks i came up all on my own of cosh hehehehe..yan i know your're so gonna kill me *lolol*

Brunt? Grunt? Runt?

So it would seem I am forever hankering after the wrong guy? Or am I really following the ‘type’ that I am which is to be said to be ‘loyal to the fault’? I still prefer the rationality that I only go for the ‘posh kind’ *huh?* But please people! I am OKAY, will be OKAY and is OTEY : )

The terrors asked about the other, why he doesn’t seem to hang around anymore. And I told them frankly that he’s busy and soon to be married I think. To which terror 2 went, “To you right?” I told him in reply, “Nope, he didn’t ask me so I am not sure to whom” *smilegoat* Then, I kinda remembered what the ex said before about not wanting to get too close to the kids, my family, my friends and what not; his reason being ‘less complications should we not work out’. And I TOTALLY agreed with him. The gangbang of course raised alarms and the usual ruckus about how lame and pessimistic giler my choice was. BUTTTTTTTTTTT…noooooooooOOOoooooooooo. I agreed with him. The gangbang protested vehemently but accepted that fact that I was blind. Nuff said.

What was distinct here to terror 2’s response was how the heow did he guess of our *ahems* intimate relationship of 4 years when we were very very careful around them. We never had any outings together. Save for that time he offered to join us at Suntec for shopping that one time during the tug and pull days of indecision. Believe me, the terrors were as surprised as I was when he agreed to join us. Anyway, all he did was drove us there and back lar. We went shopping and he went to do his stuff. We met only when it was time to go back home. Now that I realized, the most he will agree to do is to drop the terrors off back home since we had plans for later. It was just convenient. But, I think the terrors noted the innocuous gestures *not so harmless afterall* the habitual phone calls, the obligatory kiss on his hand and my incessant mania of seeking his approval for everything we did. It’s the seek permission and please report base stuff that made him stand out from the rest of the boyfriends I have. I wanted to tell the terrors that he was like the Pope or something hehe but that will be too extreme. Nak bedek biar possible, jangan IMPOSSIBLE! Still, all in all I am glad that we did what we did because I don’t think I could have carried the weight of their longing added on top of mine.

The terrors are fine. You are just another somebody that came and went, hardly left any impressions on their so fragile hearts save for your ‘politeness’. That’s not bad right? Ehk wait? He never even asked me about them duh!!! So Ms. Ritzlin, based on my own personal experience. If he can’t even bring himself to say your daughter’s name then please send him to SCRAP the bugger. Or it’s been just a few weeks lar dey! So can you please cut the new guy some slack. EVEN I am bearing this in mind for future too haha..

Anyway, Che. Beng’s prayers came through the other day. They have come to a fair arrangement of alternate weekends but I think he was more amused with the fact that the ex was heavily reprimanded for ‘wasting’ the courts time and energy to work something so simple. I was laughing too as the reason she said was so that they had witnesses and to keep tempers in check. Then again, the one who got beaten up and almost blind in one eye was che.beng *lolol* so amen to that and till the next chapter. Yeah blood, live and let go woohoo!!

Che. Baby is my ex school mate. We knew each other even way before that but then it was only in secondary school we got closer. We stayed just a few blocks away from each other back then so he was my partner for most things. He also approached me for advice about his impending counseling mission. Here, I want to echo Cik Esah, “Counselling is only for people who really want to change and make things for the better” (her posts are just too close to heart at times) but in Singapore, yes, it is mandatory that you go through the sessions so that couples can avoid the trap of taking the easy way out. If you know the way forward and am clear about your goals and objectives. God willing, you will find your way ahead to be of ease. But, if your intentions are not clear and still hinged on revenge, malicious intent or just plain stupid, then it will be hell. Interventions, especially from the external perimeter will be riddled by loads of prodding questions. Very touchy tau, especially when it’s ‘couple/family counseling’. And of course all your bedroom, bathroom and if you clip your nose hairs kind of questions will be asked and pondered over. The counselors are trained to never trust anyone and to listen to facts without forming any judgments. Their role is merely to guide and provide support. So please do not blame the system or the counselors involved if the outcome you’re looking for is not what you expected. I know it’s not easy, nothing is ever easy. Eggs can be made over-easy :p so please lar! Take it easy can?? Ingin aku nyatakan sini, walau seberaper banyak hantaran kau jolok, disini aku menyatakan yang bukan aku tak sudi. Tetapi sememangnya aku kerek dan sangat hidung tinggi tak memandangkan kau yang abadi sebagai teman yang aku kentutkan diwaktu dulu. Apsal aku reject kau macam hamlau pong kau tak paham-paham nie? Pie saner pujuk bini kan lagik baik! *jotos* But i know its all in jest. takbley gurau duduk surau!

I am open to dating *thankgod* Even though it’s been confusing and very hard. It’s either I come across too cold or too complicated or just plain not his/her type. It’s sexhausting and no wonder so many of us lament the process and just chuck ourselves into the ‘used & abused so fark off not interested’ category. So many I know prefer to live hedonistically where we just fark anybody lar. To live gay! And to be as gay as one can be has become points of contentions worthy of the world’s attention in fact. You ask the 5 whys and most likely their reasons will be due to past failed love stories. But I bet these are the same people that horde by the thousands to know more about finding ‘love’ *guilty as charged* Just Google Nicholas Sparks (message in a bottle anyone?) or remind yourself why love ballads almost always make it to the top of the charts. No man is an island. That’s why the question is always (almost) “Who/what would you bring if you are alone on an island?” as opposed to, “Would you like to be alone on an island?” So no fun man!

I asked myself the latter and I do not want to be alone. I have tried all of the above *coughcough* but it still left me feeling alone. Alienated somewhat, disjointed in many parts. We all do, I am no different than you. Hence the see-saw of conflicting attitudes I had with the ex (recent not the horror of horrors the ex-hubbs). I was so intent on making him be the ONE, and not care that he DIDN’T want me to the the one for him. And you know how super kental buah keduak I was? I couldn’t bring myself to call him Mr. X till I spied that the photos of me in his wallet were gone. And I am still working on it damn it!

I was a runner! I ran away from him many times when it hurt. I buried myself even deeper when I wanted his approval but hey, “it’s better to be hated for who you are than to be loved for someone you are not”.*hugstitemimikus* THAT my compadres is the lesson I had to learn and understand. MORE than TWICE thank you. The more you run, the harder they chase you. And when they do catch up with you, it’s going to be even harder to keep the same pace.

Next time JOG *lol*

So ingat tau kengkawan..JOG….don’t run! This could avoid mati katak in so many damn ways.

stay sane,

amyemeelea

Ps: mati katak = die like a frog. Expression used to refer to dying pointlessly. Or you know the game of the frog crossing the road on the very early ibm pcs? Where your’re the frog crossing a very busy highway full of cars and lorries. In the game, a wrong move (rather indecision) could cause you to mati katak.

typing happy :)

Thomas Hood once said:
“But evil is wrought by want of thought as well as want of heart!”

Wow…tup tap tup tap..It’s been two months and it was pure denial on my part because I JUST realized that I actually really thought it’s been only one month since the dumping experience. Time was just LOST in the lalang *TSSk* >( Yes, yours truly was dumped. Clearly it hasn’t been too difficult to read in between the lines or lack thereof right? :p

Naturally, our problem had been mutually dissected and discussed of course but at the end of the day, the offer of the only and one thing left not tried and tested is to see other people. We each attested to the fact that we did each our best to save us but in the end…jeng..jeng..jeng. The End. I shall reserve my comments for fear of backlash *hurhurhur* or bad karma but one thing for sure. There is always always two side of the story and what should be laid to rest shall have my hopes of peace babe..for peace! For peace *cewah!* maybe who knows in the future, this chapter of my live can also serve as funny fodder for the self in reflection. Of course it shall retain the pedas-ness of my mulot laser and hati sangat sakit memikirkan nya >) its normal what, the dumpee is the victim! And I shall stick to that story thank you.

Kes paksa tau tak terpaksa dan siapa paksa will be put behind to where it MUST be. And you know how I snapped out of my wanita melayu terakhir berangan phase? It was hearing him tell me on our last meeting, “Now you don’t need to look for me” *passing barang* I was nonchalant to his repartee, trying to act blur and still playing cool yeah…thinking, I shall prove to you I totally understand how I had rammed you to make such a decision to check out alternatives. For I do not deny, yours truly is and not easy to fathom nor am I easy to understand. Yesh, love is often not enough and memang cinta itu BUTA! *sigh* love is blind isn’t it? yes please hammer me on my head as I was still aiming at arrows of "bela lar sayer!!~~~” *sniffsniff* in the span of the months following the 'lets' be friends phase playing limbo rock hati, in hopes that the tide by some magic or divine intervention would work in my favour. almaklum, i see myself as a traditionally liberal women. Roughly translates to I do not mind people calling me "perigi cari timba" but I do mind when you play mind games with me. Or was it my own asking? Hrmmm???

Alas, it only took his soft but final “NO NEED” to my face to release me! Amboi macam nak jatuh talak siak :p but that’s how I felt lar. And again….incident after incident just proved me that the spoken word backs up what’s in your heart best and turns truth in action. I refer to ongoing debate and discussion on between “niat dan perbuatan” and let each to their own. Sesungguhnya gua berfeeling emo apabila tergerak hati mengikuti jejak langkahmu. He does work in mysterious ways : ) *Amin* so be FREE my still beating heart YEAHhooOOOOOOOooooo….and so it shall be all dust in the wind *poohkiri!poohkanan!!*

"In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return." Genesis 3:19

Yerlar..TAKKAN nak gua pie taruk talkin untuk sifulan hati gua yang mati nyer tak? Nanti seremsssssssssssssssssss……sendirik! *muahahahaha* I am feeling the flow and typing this as it flows. New inspiration to be real *notDEAD* and as it is from following and reading newly added escribitionistas that I chanced upon while blog-hopping. Yes, energy levels on the peak and adding on to increase steam to push ahead! I must say doamu harapan ku! Dan terima kasih to you for lepas-ing me dari tersiksa batin. Moga kau berbahagia disamping yang tersayang :) NOTA : TER – is used for ‘to love most’ and di – is used to describe “The Loved”. Danke many many! ariogato alompak a go go biks muse! Patah tumbuh hilang berganti? Jangan nak banyak gentel bola tue lari *lolol* dan akan ku daki bukit candu berbekal kan nasik lemak untuk mengundang semangat leftanan adnan *feewit* untuk celebrate LIBERATION!! sayang plak nak main tanam-taman dan buang-buang nie kan? BUT! what needs to be doen SHALL be done....

For you, me and all….BE FREE…

And STAY SANE,
Amyemeelea

Ps: I shall fly and still get HIGH! But it shall be done very much legally hehehehehe… >)

p p s: kepada math tuition chicher ku~, TERIMA KASEH! *singgers*

on the topic...

And a very taboo one at that. Recent conversations touched on the emotional sensitivities of divorced couples. There is a term in malay and very frequently used to describe divorced couples that still want to reunite but can’t seem to work out bad memories to start afresh. Apparently, to hide that desire of wanting to stay together, they (either one or both) still fight on occasion. So a tragicomedy ensues to the hilarity and jibes of those who care (or rather much ado with nothing of consequence hehe).

I was warned about this seemingly ubiquitous virus when I went through mine. And advice on how to avoid and if possible totally immunize oneself of its poisonous sting poured in from all over. I had a general idea about how the inflicted person would react and behave but couldn’t rationalize the logic of wanting to marry again the person you just divorced. Or rather, I didn’t put much thought into it. Nevertheless, dutifully I took the necessary precautions and prayed to be saved from its painful jaws.

So the story goes, a few days back I heard from a friend, che beng. He called to touch base and we did the usual rounds of how are the kids and all. Of course we did the parent thing of trying to fix a date to get the kids to play together when he told me that his ex wife, whom I also have the pleasure of knowing sprung him yet another surprise. They have been separated for four years now? His ex has custody of the daughter and he has his weekly visits and all is SUPPOSEDLY well *ladeeda* she’s happily married and currently expecting so I was surprised when che. Beng told me that the ex just hauled his ass up to court next week. She now wants to shorten his weekend visits to just 10 to 6pm (or something like that) on Saturdays. Family law has a standard that they follow. The parent who has no custody of kids will get all weekends’ sleepovers and holidays are subject to mutual agreement. And as a parent with no custody myself, this was bad news.

Of course I barked at him and asked why would his ex do that?? Did he do something bad to deserve this? I mean that sucks!!! And to make it official and all by having the decree changed and all takes effort and money! Obviously it’s no freaking fun to be interrogated in court and all right? He mumbled his don’t know and then proceeded to ask me for my point of view of her motives. He’s angry of course but sadder with what if it gets approved by the courts! And damn if I didn’t feel for him there and then. The letter didn’t reveal anything instead it just stated plainly the place, time and date for him to show up and defend himself. She hired a lawyer and he’s just going to represent himself.

I scanned my brains for any missing or forgotten update on these two. I was trying to remember if there was any incident that could have lead to this drama. You know, as heard from the grapevines or our usual rant and vent on someone sessions. I am one of those few of their shared mutual set of friends that didn’t get to pick a side hehehe. I mean she left him to marry his best friend , so its kinda tricky sometimes. *blank* nope, I thought. No indication there was trouble brewing from either recently. Last when I met both individually of course, each has shown to have both feet firm in the ground. Che. Beng I must concede still has his wild party side but like all the recent fathers, he dotes on his daughter to the max! he stays with his parents and yeaps, OF COURSE there were stories about his shaggedalic return to singleton town. From the wreck that he was since his separation, che . beng has stabilized himself nicely.

I think it’s great that he adopts a live and let live attitude in all that he does. His ex didn’t do too shabbily either. Happily married and already with her second child, she shared that they’re applying for a flat soon much to my growing envy *sigh* she’s holding down a job she likes and yeaps, the past has been long buried. I could sense that there was still lingering memories between them but me is too shy to pry. I mean they HAD history man the both of them :)

I guess his only gripe was that he wasn’t able to keep it together and hers was just being him. She took custody of the cute one and didn’t want che. Beng to pay for any child maintenance, citing reason that she could afford it herself. He offered but she flat out refused. So it couldn’t be that he faulted on monthly payments? And I told him, he’d get it from me if it’s due to some complaint that he hurt the cute one! He reaffirmed he is NOT guilty of any charges except for wanting to spend his weekends with her!

Hence…the big question marks here. *?????????????* Of course, then the spectre of ‘gila talak’ loomed over our conversation making it creakingly uncomfortable. One just doesn’t want to even say it out loud afraid of being afflicted. Because ‘gila talak’ have been noted to go beyond extremes and it is so emotionally and physically draining to even watch by the sidelines sometimes. There have been cases where exacting revenge came in the guise of the supernaturals *eeek!!* And to be a participant of this undulated attention of the most annoying kind *UGH!* can you imagine trying to start a new relationship with this bugging you?
I told him that I experience my fair share of these kind of skirmishes myself and it’s hard not to react adversely ALL THE TIME! I could only offer him my assurance that it will all work out and best to leave the truth of the matter to show itself in time. Not unless, I teased…that he is actually enjoying this attention hehe >) but then, she has already remarried what…right? So then could this be a case of intentional malice? *gulps* anyway, he’s already prepared himself for the road ahead and that’s what is important.

Remember beb..blood is thicker than water and no matter what, no one can replace you as dad for time to come eternally :) and hey, like I always try to psyche myself up during these downturn of events..”Quality babe, not Quantity”.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee……………………………………..*gerams*

Stay sane,
Jahat

~tuching diaries

What gives?
Nothing.
No one.
Especially not you.
I shall not beg neither will I steal.
Just that I will take what is rightfully mine.
And if so perchance it becomes yours to possess.
Please.
I pray you be kind.
Not for me dare I say?
But for your own soul I wish.
Don’t be hasty, do away with rash.
Can’t you see nothing gives?
When you won’t even receive.

~ monthly updates in memory

uncertainty..

puteri, putera dan emira....

sudahkah mama nyatakan bahawa kamu bertiga pari-pari syurga?

masyaAllah....syurga mama DI dunia akhirat!

*kishromosh*

i love this picture and it seems that i just love putting up photos of all of you at the beach haha.....till i see you all again....

love always,

mama emeelea