the beauty of 3

:D

evie evie..

the disciple : gua moi

The skill of reading the silence
The dance within the wind in motion
Sincerity of good will and genuine faith
Let the journey unfold itself through
Wsidom of the unfortold

Friend, confidante and pillar of examplar :
Teacher : Evelyn Kok

April 4th, 2004

missing you but have the best memories of us by our penthouse on the tenth in springdale. the bad the good and in betweens...my prayers and hopes you are well my dearest jock buddy. jock nights and those preening in the bathroom listening to duran duran! *lol* moneky boy and cynthia blues. be safe and loved evie evie...

you are missed teacher :)

stay sane,
amy sani

*orhphew*

it was clementi and i was listening to smooth operator thanks to kak long. she introduced me to george micheal and the pop early 80's. it was my whiny night and she had the pleasure to lull me to sleep. kaka long didn't know what to make of me hehehe but way cool! to curb my tears of being weaned to sleep alone at age 5? she plugged in her walkman to my ears.

sleep i did.

tonight sade is with me again. hooked on the words and the heart thumping beat with jazzy soul. mucho beats that mellows as it grooves each music notch into my memories. a long day indeed and i am looking forward to a much needed dig into my solitary den.

*blinkblink*

still waiting for love to come. a soldier of love *sigh* sade reverberates the loss i feel. yet she also brings faint strings of hope that glimmers irridescant stars in the dark dark night that is mine.

*yawn*

her latest alsbum will be out this february. besides ungu i will get sade and load it into empod-empod. i wonder what's in pitpod? most likely radiohead? or i'd laugh my ass off to ever find zaibaktian in it *muahaha* none of my concern really. i should really stop listening to other people's love songs. yeah riteeeeeeeeeeeeeee......

wallow, dwell...somebody already broke my heart. so there! pray come mr. sandman, send me respite and rest so as i could ride on the tails of the shooting stars above.

stay sane,
jahatamyemeelea

ps: i wonder if terror 2 will love sade as he already loves whats in empod already *kishforehead* yes my son, misplaced trust brings bitter regret and instead of pitpod it should have been PUTpod *lolol* mama terror misses the terrors and most this night my bantak busyuk~ *golekgolek*

pasu pecah..

what can i say, love quarrels are the worst. bobby threw a vase at the wall today. and i knelt down to beg his forgiveness. what can i say...i am stubborn like that. as sinatra song..i did it my way. he's right i never knew help, didn't allow anyone to help. i so proud and that pride is killing us.

me...him...just the 2 of us from the sani & nani clan. one wants to leave but the other refuses to budge and laying down the law of love as reason. doesn't love demand freedom?

all this time, all these years...i know respect can't be given. and i am sorry i had to outright screamed to remind him that i was still his elder sister. only by 1 year. well, that didn't help matters at all. i didn't lose my cool but condescending i was. and for that i knelt and begged to end it there and then. before we killed each other. accidently? or it could be classified as crime of passion.

itu pasu kena kepala gua bocor mambang :')

sorrry is the hardest to say but i think mine doesn't count for nuts. i know you had no choice but to be hard on me. for our love runs deep and for that i humbly fade to black....

for water i am and the dam is broken.

stay sane bobby..for your love of the terrors i shall remind myself that i OWE it to you not mind the words, nor the bitter biting actions of anger. for as you said it yourself, i did nothing sisterly to you these past 30 year of your life and if it at all matters to you....before, now or ever...

i am sorry. i am truly sorry to have been born to be your sister. i cannot promise the future you expect but i can promise you that i will try my very best to do what you have told me today.

crap lar...i feel so shitty.

titik terpaksa cinta

Cintamu semangat aku meredah gelora gelora samudera asmara...
Aku harung gelap busuk malam jiwa menular luka siti aminah
.....dengan untaian titis airmata doa kudus
Merempuh pulas aku mengerang jauh jijik percik hasutan muram justina...
....berkat ketetapan hati murni sepancar sinar
Aku bergelut punah terkilas hampir mati pilu desiran cemburu gila tanti
.....bernyawa kembali ditiup sejuk harapan kata lara hati
Nah, terjunam lemas kali ini pasrah tenggelam airmata tasik bodoh buta shuhaila
...terdampar bujur jasad tak bermaya jiwa akhirnya karam tanpa tanda
Tiada bertepian ombak badai memukul lemah aku kemabli mengaku sumpah
.............
......................
.............................
Cintamu tak akan aku paksa

"Assalamulaikum sayang."

am i late or what?

its been 6 days into the new year and counting.....down as well to another birthday for terror 1 and me! *indenialmode* i can now step-dunno its my birthday and push all the glory of being a year older (and suposedly wiser) to puteri isabella. she's gonna be 10! planning for a concert nite out but its a school night so i doubt she'd be allowed to go on a concert with her mama.

terror 2 aka budak da sunat whose real name is putera emir hafeez called me today from the centre. he's like the degsinated 'call-mama' person and it still puzzles me why the gals do not like to call me *sigh* boys are still mama's darlings huh? it took countless of calls and numerous smses to terror 1! but all is well, they reported happy and adjusting well to life at the student care services centre. what can i say? the green-eyed monster alias thier dad made another very practical arrangement for the kids to go to a student centre after school because they'd be well 'tutored' for over there, rather than at home? says much about your chosen other mr. monster! *clapclap* well at least they are surrounded by friends :) nte to self : visit centre soon

the wee terror 3 starts primary 1 this year and she bought a truckload of stationery to last her till primary 3! provided she doesn't use them up next week. how many colors does a primary 1 gal need??! i have lost count the number of times we went to the bookshop and she got YET another set of colors. this time it was a set of 48 colors! and terror 1 had to assure her many many times that school will provide her with the stuff she needs. i heart my tiny one, she seems so lost as compared to the elder 2. it doesn't help that she's always misunderstood as a tattle-tale. i knw she doesn't mean to rat on them but its just another way for her to gain much huggies from the dad. she knows the tricks of being the youngest! :p looks like she;s getting taller everytime i see her and IF she gets to be taller than me, i'm telling her to join the airlines and be part of a crew. see the world for dishing out coffee, tea and *ahems* good service hehehehe...

all in all, resolution to be a better mom accomplished. by my standards of course!

i shelved my plans to move out to 'cough hill' *bukit batok* because i didn't have the guts to share my plans with bobi. no matter what, his go ahead was what i craved. well, the terrors are moving to woodlands in april! or so my sources tell me. i'm just glad i followed my gut and held it in for a bit more before i spill it all to bobi. god knows how miscontrued it could get, my need for solitude. so smsed bobi today and we agreed to discuss issues (more like updates on the errant sister) over email because either i'm down with migraine right after work or thrashing my melancholy and anger doing something else *kickballs* i miss muay thai and am seriously contemplating doing it more often. gaining weight is still a problem and che. tony even recommended i take steroids *gulps* i was seriously contemplating it! but i remembered the pron flick i 'mistakenly' *ahahahahah* downloaded the other day, featuring *gasppppppppppppppp!* a she who looked more like a HE in terms of muscle composition. *delete!delete!!! DELETE!!!* ugh MY EYES! *arrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh* no more PRON for me! *NOThurhurhruhur*

i can't say i am happy being single. i crave for another but 2009 was a list of nearly but then barely there skirmishes. i haven't gotten over che.diambunoh :) traces of denial still apparent. all in all, many still count as good buds *nobenefitsceptfortheoccasionalkissonthecheek* but hell lar! i had a huge share of sucky sucky major ICKY bad dates. mind you, sometimes the 1st date doesn't at all create that impression till you go on the 2nd, then the 3rd to realise that you're just not into the guy. so you cut the crap and tell it like it is. lately, i don't seem to get the message across quickly enough though. it kinda saddens me that my claws been clipped away and i'm just another tame pussycat *hissscat* and they keep coming BACK for MORE! being nice has never been so depressing.

the recurring message for 2009 was to let go. of everything. of everyone!! of seeing how we all friend/unfriend people and stuff by just a click of a button made me more of a hoarder of the unwanted. my personal space on the internet and elsewhere looks very much like my room hehe. what i really need to do is to clean up and give myself good fengshui perhaps? when i know i'd just rearrange everything and take my time to rummage through the lot, not different from fliiping through an old photo album. that's why my dad made me in charge of painting the house and polishing the knick knacks because HE knew i'd never throw anyting out UNLESS ultimately harmful to myself. yeaps, still a very selfish bastard i am into 2010.

so what did i do on new year's eve? i was trying to say goodbye. plan failed and i still where i am, unable to leave all behind me. no matter how deep i bury them, they each come back to life! every memory, every regret, everything that made me who i am today. here i am now, nothing has changed for me. still single, still gila-gila, very much in doubt and the pessimist streak is still shining brightly amongst the light fluffy clouds of idealistic dreams that is....me. yet, hope smiles at every turn i manage to squeeze myself into. and damn it *tebahbooooooom!* if i don't get THE NUMERO uno message which is to LET GO. empty the cup so that it may fill again.

URGHHHHHHH....sembelit ah... :p

i might just need to think of an enema of sorts to let IT go. well, good luck to me then huh? i shall celebrate small victories then. like making myself eat a whole plate of rice and finishing this entry.

*patpat*

stay sane,
jahatamyemeelea

ps: tata titi tutu? muka awak mcm hantu? eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! otey sayer gelik membaca nyer hehehehe....but sumpah TAK SENGAJA! Dia hanya sekadar memberi aku ruang untuk kembali sedar akan kejalangan petualang yang bernama kau. *syukur* Moga aku cepat sembuh dari gila ini...dan pasrah, tegar lagi kekar berinjak di muka bumi ini. yang setulusnya pasti memberi manis harapan TANPA kehadiran susuk busuk bernama *sekalilagi!* KAU...lebah! abis madu dibuang sepah~ *jeng!*