who is in denial nie?!

because we are very smart dummies. maybe we are crash test dummies? or really clueless and totally into ignorance is bliss dummies? but who wants to actually admit being a dummy? a PERSON in denial lar!

you dummy you!

so i had the pleasure of being introduced to www.minahspeak.livejournal by biksmuse. and who else?! *tsk* of late, my mood for all things guapunya lepak days made such sudden rushes disturbing my akak-akak opis persona. so yeaps, i have been busy blog reading becauseeeeeeeeeee....guapunya.com is in alpha? beta? aper kejadah?? well, her entries are not many and i note that she already HAS a facebook fan groupie thingy in facebook! yesh, her quiz created ripples among the minahs and mats in facebook. i didn't take the minah quiz or maybe i did? but i didn't score 100% lar and my persona has always been mucho macho male peargh! so obviously i took the MAT quiz and hell yeah! scored 100% mat-doom there \menten/
how she writes, reminds me of this mat who goes by the name of 'karipap7posen'. or does she just remind me of being the new generation of minahs. he answers to also k'pap in short! and he write funny stuff this chap. in a very innocent way, his beguiling crack jibes have an air or age old lepak wisdom. then one time he started this super hot and sicky topic in the forum pages. there is this dictionary, a compliation of all the rock or lepak speak of the mats and minahs united combined in it. it was sensational larh! then if i could remember better, he had a webpage too? for this fact, i shall have to double cross check maut with the 'otais of guapunya' otai - old timer :)

ishkk!! come to think of it, originilaty can still be achieved. a sense of individualism very much attainable in this cookie cut techie world! foar~~ yesh i salut the originals out there. no matter what label, size and in every measureable, empirical sense of the word....i give you a mega dio lar! and yes, you are surely a minah IF you DENY being one int he first place. gosh, when you want gender to work...it just doesn't! what gives???!! *balingkerusi* so yeaps...below is for you..MEGA tau tau tau!

\mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm/

so my weekend with the mats and minahs rempits *batokshearkkkkhhhhhbatoks* ala geng car-car was fun *smirk* my selfish intentions of getting away from it all actually backfired BUT! that is bordering on too much info hehe. but i note that generally, in the same topic of why do we like to be in a state of denial is purely because its just another choice. a much much easier choice to make rather than to contemplate horror of horrors a confrontation. with nothing less than what it is that generates the feeling of livid fear and presumebly can sure die of embarrassament trying to choke us with DIS-ease. can anyone spell T-R-U-T-H? so so so..what is it you ask, that hit a home run to this state of in denial was smack me! there i was out of place, out of sync and out in the hot sun trying to do what?? FIT beb..yeah me...FIT. me of the random personas usually genderless ball of balderash was in a state of extreme denial. in the midst of all the hullabaloo of meeting up members ala united mesia n singypore of the drivers (they called themselves something else lar of course) and thier partners (yes, those who didn't drive or own one was howdy pardnah!) there i was completely clueless to find myself neither belonging to either group. i had to swallow a huge ball of spit mind you when a very nice and friendly gal came up to me and asked if i was either, and all i could answer was "errm...." *smack!CRASHHHHHHHHHHHHH*

she offered a weak, "orh! partner yer? kita-kita sumer nie pon ada yang partner jugak. ehk join lar *tooot* sisters! u just click jer and join us to kenal-kenal perangai buroks dema-dema nie" and i smiled my megawatt smile and thank god i had my HUGE sunnies on. yeaps..i wore them for lunch at geng's restaurant :p she just invited me to be part of the girlfriends wing of the going strong, pretty active car gang. and i wanted to kiss her and wished i could 'layaned' melepak with her as a thank you for filling in the 'awkwarddddddddddddddddd' moment but i was still dazed you see with blinding self revelation that i went completely bombotic! which is like a bimbo who swallowed a ticking bomb because she had thought it helps with the cramps *lolol* i swear you could hear ticking coming from me so i flip my hair (in true bimbo style) and then tucked into my just arrived nasi ayam upin dan ipin. betol betol betol! SALAH! because i really wanted to try something more kuala lumpurish! i mean, we of singytebahbombers are used to succulent, delish hainanese (halal hor) chcken rice wei at brickworks! so apa lar..nasi ayam upin dan ipin right? and with the last bits of rice into my mouth, i lit a ciggerate and fagged there RIGHT at the table yeah! while nice gal took the opportunity to to a kebelakang pusing *abouturn* on me *sigh* she was really nice adn genuine but well oh well. needless to say, my bomb shot the fuse and erupted into da nasty *BURP* gah~ wish i was a farter instead *lolol*

that was a tragedy alright...where was my gua rockers lar attitude right? live and let live babe. lu suka gua pun suka. so kita suka-suka! yeaynesssssssssssss! all went well and in some areas much appreciated. somehow somewhere i lost a sense of self for cheap *NOT!* getaway. the price was a 'kriiing kriiing' moment. or i would like to think of the moment to be waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay trippppppppy beb..then at the last bit "berlanggar motorcar! pom! pom! POTONG gua PEH STIME!" and i didn't think a "sorry sorry langgar lorry" was going to make up for the losses with the concept of being in denial.

still, i gained new insight on the mamat lagik gua chui..or cannon so to speak. and then totally tripped on the highway with mojo rock 80's all the way. the extras are deemed explicict thus not bloggable for fear of 'report offensive content' push button activated *hehehe* and one word of buying new aroma sealed handrolling fruit flavored tobacco- IT TASTES like shitte!! but what to do??? roll cili padi or a fat jack sama dia lar! budget beb..budget...abeh da go hurray hurray per ;)

stay sane,
jahatamyemeelea

note on mamat gua chui : actions do speak louder than words but i don't speak mime lar! so can you please clarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrify? cakap BIAR terang per or do you really think i can read minds? itu alice cullen lar! oops! but you don't read kan? dehemiT larr....must i now go slink to mat mime corner as opposed to mat action for clarifications please ask mat on duty corner now?? *gah!!!*

pps: k'pap! kalau gua jumpa lu skarang kan...akan gua publish ler lu peh compilations and 'nasihat wak-wak lu'...pasal confirm letup giler lu lagik darik minahspeak tue. cheh! gua biased nie hehehe....

woooo its friday!

monday - i couldn't remember what monday was about because i just came back from a fluffer fink weekend with the cellaraid gang. oh yes! was supposed to meet the storm gals for a meeting but the 'sponsors' were apprently busy.

tuesday - work was work and i caught up with princess terror three over the phone who excitedly reminded me that it was her birthday at midnight. did i mention work was work again and that i added a few more reads to my blogroll. i finally read the use of webtools available on blogger.

wednesday - the birthday prezzie for my biksmuse came and yeah work was work scrollinng through and sexcited about owning a bloog :D packed gear for muay thai and damn me for agreeing to go all the way to holland just to spar. tears were shed of course in tinly rivulets as i was reminded of a missed birthday. hell did i kick ass that night at muay thai. not only my ass hurt but i think my tummy really protested this time to the 'conditioning'.

thursday - clashed parties. i had forgotten about nads birthday bash and futsal meet with zai. wait what about workshops! *gah!!* was i meant to play futsal in a black polka dot dress? NooooooooooOoooooooooo....the tuchings brought extra gear and soon my aches were forgotten TILL i reached home close to midnight. what's with birthdays in the month of may and also hrmmm...anniversaries???? TT = Teh Tarik session dar! *slapsforehead*

FRIDAYYYYYYYYYYYY - training at farrer was mercifully cancelled due to rain. i prayed for sleep and rest. received rainbow at end on conversation and yeay for laksa ala express! read kacip and read him some more. why do you have to be waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay younger dehemit! lu rock lar beb, gua caya sama lu woohoo! please sign my dada gituk. you ARE on my blogroll definately. senyum sinis melebar ke telingga.padded pillows with lavendar and go-blog yeah! orh! guapunya is in alpha beta? me dunno want to just ommmmmmmmmmmega sleep tight. showered, rested and add the few books on books in facebook. gosh my body is creaking *ughughughughugh*

*yawn* and looking ahead

saturday - ex secondary schoolmates arranged football. no fair gals play rounders? cisss!! its the same old thing, gender discrimination but! it'd be fun to drop by and say hello to familiar faces. my prince terror 2 birthday but apprently its parent teacher meeting. hrmmm...i really hope it rains. planned makan session!

sunday - football training and returning balls to marine parade. i am imagining me carrying that many balls and zai in kebaya playing soccer *muahahaha* constitution? training dulu beb! and will hope to get to see the prince and princess of honour. please..please be sunny side up so that i can get rid of hatefull tanlines.

monday - ehk! dia bunyik lagiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.............................

stay sane,
jahatamyemeelea

ps: the mind can forget but the body reaps its bashes literally *snores*

the joke is on me..

"Yes, suddenly I saw it clearly: most people deceive themselves with a pair of faiths: they believe in eternal memory (of people, things, deeds, nations) and in redressibilty (of deeds, mistakes, sins, wrongs). Both are false faiths. In reality the opposite is true: everything will be forgotten and nothing will be redressed. The task of obtaining redress (by vengeance or by forgiveness) will be taken over by forgetting. No one will redress the wrongs that have been done, but all wrongs will be forgotten." ~ Part 7 Ludvik Jaroslav Helena chapter 16 from The Joke by Milan Kundera 1967

budget is tight this month so off i went on a shoestring bookhunt. the shop in question is in bras basah, about 10mins away from my office. I had read the last book shalimar the clown by salman rushdie; a gift from shikinbo and i still hungered. the tug i felt was for more revenge, more intensity and i didn't think jodi picoult could ease the pangs i felt. i wanted blood in print and with that in mind i headed straight for the pile of books marked 3 for 5 dollars to scavenge. i saw The Joke and wanted to whoop with joy! i held my breathe still and then saw Vita Brevis by Jostein Gaardner! so clutched both books to my chest and checked my wallet. Damn! No cash. i handed the books over to the cashier and headed for the money changer just beside the shop. I still had crumpled notes in USD, Viet dong, Ringgit and Thai baht and decided to lump change them all into sing dollar. I left the us dollars alone and was refused change for the viet dong because they were discontinued notes. In total i got over 50 dollars sing. my eyes widened at the thought of how many used paperbacks i could haul back but i told myself not to be greedy. I still need to buy fags to curb real hunger pangs for food *hehehe* my shoes; the ones i was wearing had a heel to be fixed so i had in mind to make a pass at the roadside cobblers to have them fixed later. so i didn't have much time. lunch break lasts only an hour and i had only 30 mins left. i walked back to the shop and continued my search. i forgot who called me about mundane monday blues (or was it a tuesday?) but all the while all i could think of was one more book so that i could get my 5 dollars worth. i saw ben okri and instantly i thought of biksmuse but i didn't know if she could stomach a love story. ben okri could be very teary and i wanted her NOT to be teary. in truth, i just wanted this bookhunt to be solely mine alone so i left ben okri there. as i rummaged through while listening to whoever it was on the phone, i saw 'Kiss Of The Spider Woman' by Manuel Puig! images of dark cells and then sadist intent bursts forth and i didn't hesitate to grab it to the safety of my arms.

done! three books written about love sharing the same theme or rather had the same feel of dark eros and its implications. R-E-V-E-N-G-E! all classics and i really did skip a little while i made payment for my treasure. with exception of Vista Brevis, i had the other two books on my booklist. my fingers trembled when i fingered The Joke. i walked on towards the traffic junction was to get my shoe fixed. the caller has since gone mute so my mind was free to wander to the printed words in my hands. while waiting for my shoes i read each praise (they don't list the critics) and my heart skipped a beat again as i note that The Joke's spine has not been broken. Did the previous owner not love this book? What was its history? Where has it travelled? How did it land in that shop with its spine intact and no mark whatsoever stain this book? its still wrapped in plastic that has turned yellow and felt more like cling wrap rather than the normal thick clear ones that one would use to protect books. there were no tears and i told myself maybe its previous owner was a shikino type. they refuse to break the spine so as to keep it in pristine condition.

i was introduced to che. milan by nyce or stinky *LOL* she lent me her copy of Laughable Loves which i have since returned. Then his novel 'The Unbearable Lightness of Being' was made into a movie. I didn't watch the movie because i wanted very much to read it first and now instead of it i had The Joke in my hands. I reached the office and i set my books on display. they act as reminders or my means to an end to my day at work. I reconfirmed my muay thai class for later and promptly left on time to get my stuff needed for later at golden mile complex. i had promised to meet che. zeemonkey so that we can head off to my place, before that we had to pick up stephie who will join us. at 6pm stephie called and said she has already arrived and i excitedly showed stephie my finds!

she asked me where i got books so cheap and it was then that i noticed that The Joke was missing! my heart sank. i thought i heard it crack a little when i remembered thumbing through its pages just a few hours before. I turned to che. zeemonkey and said now i am really pissed and will be kicking hard at muay thai tonight. i wanted to forget i even had The Joke in my hands. Stephie tried to console me with "Well, I am sure its just not meant to be" so i let it rest. maybe it just wasn't time for me to dig deep into The Joke. I still wasn't consoled so i texted biksmuse just to vent. che.zeemonkey couldn't care less if i read toilet paper! and stephie was being stephie, so i seek solace in my text to biks and sniffed my regrets to her as i pressed 'send'.

i nearly passed out during muay thai and i centered all my anger, my regrets, my longings into class. my heavy skip ropes lashed at my feet but the pain just inched my heart away from the real pain that i was feeling; remembering The Joke. my pushkicks were centred at one aim, my carelessness! How could i have left it there! but the extreme workout and catching up with both of them eased my guilt a wee bit. i showered and then snuggled with Vista Brevis in bed. ahh..a love letter! how apt i said to myself and pored over the words and came across "Feminis lugere honestum est, viris meminisse", meaning ''Tacitus wrote that it is fitting for women to grive over a loss, for men to remember it.' i had to smile and then lulled away to sleep from fatigue over the day's exertion. my heart will mend, my mind rationalised. i still had the other two books safely in bed with me and i could always go back to shalimar who has since made its impression.

the next day, my heart eased by che. jostein on my way to work; i sat down to prepare myself for the day ahead and turned to the corner of my means to an end to tuck che. jostein's love letter as usual. lo and behold! The Joke stood to look at me with its one eye. the lips slighlty apart, a lighted cigarette parked in them leered at me. FOUND! and sooooooooooooooooo the joke was on me i thought aloud *singgers* i found biksmuse online and told her of my silliness but what does it mean? i took my pen and scribbled "The speaking of afters...& the haunts of klakla...may 2009. ps: The Joke is on Moi" :D signed it off as mine and so it is.

stay sane,

jahatamyemeelea

note: its terror 2 birthday this 16th and terror 3 will turn six years this 13th. the familiar claws to that part of me as mama cries but i shall remind myself not to shed a tear *although i did a bit* least the joke is on me again :)

ps: what is 'klakla'? its in reference to The Joker of my life. one who lives in eternal memory and on my list of redressibilty...and whom i pray for forgetting.

sparingly..

i just tried to call the terrors on ms. hipsdiot phone only to have her scream "this is not my phone!" repeatedly at me. i could hear her only legal in thailand stepmum *hurhurhur* at the back sounding off warnings and i sure felt like smacking some faces. there is so much one can tolerate of course and i'd rather hold my tongue till the head gives permission for something equally positive and constructive to spew forth. sheesh...if only i can just have just one face off with the unmentionables, wouldn't my life be just grand? :p



ms. hipsidiot is the classic evil stepsister from reports and apprently the terrors can only skulk in fear when they have to face her wrath. ms. hipsdiot is 9 going 10 and has a curly scraggly short hair. she has her mum's height and features definately but what surprises me is the evidence of outright audicity of a GIRL that age to literally scream at her MUM for anything amiss. of course i feel angry when i witness her tantrums, espescially when it is directed to the terrors but realistically there is lilttle i cna do. i just ease away my worries by gloating that the terrors no matter how terror they each can be have NEVER had the courage to even try to raise thier voice at me and THAT ms. hipsdiot is NOT my daughter *hehehe* with regards to being physically abused, i am trying to 'teach' the terrors to not just turn the other cheek but practice instead assertive defense. they have been 'trained' by young to not resolve to physical fighting unless its called 'contact sports' and instead opt for more peaceful resolves, usually it must involve an adult as mediator. fights must be fair as in love and war, the wittier the better to encourage better excercise of the grey matter of course. but apprently this does not work in thier family. the complaintnants * the terrors* are most often turned away by the adults in the house. they 'trust' this tyrant of nearly 10 to be the eldest with responsibilty. and hitting is permissable and sometimes they say, papa just dismiss them with "nevermind, not purposely" to every lodge complaint. so now my problem is that the terrors turned out to be mere pussycats apprently in face of tyranny, prefering to patiently swallow any kind of abuse and it bothers me.



i heart the terrors for thier patience and faith in the Almighty to deal fair blow on thier behalf to the said opressors but then i draw the line at being physically abused. espescailly among siblings. we fight all the time and will have squabbles over the tiniest things but hitting the head with a book? smacking the face and body till it leaves marks? i could go insane thinking about the stuff i have heard and seen done by ms. hipsdiot!!! *ROARRRRRRRRRRR* so now the terrors have been instructed to pick up arms and understand that standing up and fighting back to these mean people is not a sin. defending your rights within boundaries is more admirable than taking it lying down and let your oppressors scoot away free. if the adults will not be fair or refuse to pay attention then grab that attention you deserve and demand you get fair trial!!! *ugh!!* still the terrors refuse. they said, it will only turn to be worse for them as the evil step sister is vengeful to add and its much easier to avoid confrontations *bah!humbug* maybe..maybe they say, always hoping and praying that one fine day ms. hipsidiot get her JUST desserts.



but why is that when its problems between the 3 of them, its so easy to throw that punch or quick to retort with something verbally vile? so its okay to fight among the three of them but not agaisnt the evil step sister? something is definately wrong here and i'll be damned if i don't get to the bottom of it. SOON! and i mean it!! i might just make you shit in your pants when i'm just about done with you. you can say that i have like 20 plus odd years being the bully at home *i still love you bobby and i never did repeat the same tricks twice wot hehe* eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....and mama legal only in thailand, i know you're waaaaaaay older than me lar and you single handedly *or so i heard* brought up your own chldren after your divorce but but but.........................eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekS~~~ aren't your ashamed at being BULLIED by your own children? no wonder you prefer the terrors anyday to your own woman! cosh seriously, i may be the away mama BUT i sure hell hold a lot more respect from my terrors than you could ever TEACH your kids *mueheheheeh* so please ehk, don't have any AIRS because by blood your not thier MOM and legally by law your're NOT thier mom too...at least in singapore. HELL lar!! i don't see how you deserve being MOM to any of the kids at all?? *pttttuiiii*



okay...so secara hukum you have the 'rights' as ibu tiri. almaklum da nikah aper. tapi mak eh....kalau nak model diri tue serupa mithali, ingatlar yang kita nie maseh lagi terikat hukum dunia jugak! kalau ini cara mak eh..besok lusa, anak sendrik kaweng lari pastue dia cakap, "mama dulu kaweng pat thailand per" tak boleh nak salahkan anak-anak tue tau. peringatan kepada dua anak beranak ini...mama terror aksyen lar taknak tunjuk belang tapi pikirkan lar, air yang tenang yang selalu banyak ikan piranas! ishkk! sakit jiwa siak meikirkan nya...cuma waktu saya lebih bagus digunakan untuk mendidik saya dan anak-anak serupa terrors supaya bedoa dan usaha jangan larrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...kiter sumer nie terjebak dan terbabit dengan &*^&^^$^$%#%#^&*#&*(&(& awak anak beranak!



*breatheintopaperbag*



stay sane,

mama JAHAT



ps: don't worry, i fear retribution more than death at second ;)