the joke is on me..

"Yes, suddenly I saw it clearly: most people deceive themselves with a pair of faiths: they believe in eternal memory (of people, things, deeds, nations) and in redressibilty (of deeds, mistakes, sins, wrongs). Both are false faiths. In reality the opposite is true: everything will be forgotten and nothing will be redressed. The task of obtaining redress (by vengeance or by forgiveness) will be taken over by forgetting. No one will redress the wrongs that have been done, but all wrongs will be forgotten." ~ Part 7 Ludvik Jaroslav Helena chapter 16 from The Joke by Milan Kundera 1967

budget is tight this month so off i went on a shoestring bookhunt. the shop in question is in bras basah, about 10mins away from my office. I had read the last book shalimar the clown by salman rushdie; a gift from shikinbo and i still hungered. the tug i felt was for more revenge, more intensity and i didn't think jodi picoult could ease the pangs i felt. i wanted blood in print and with that in mind i headed straight for the pile of books marked 3 for 5 dollars to scavenge. i saw The Joke and wanted to whoop with joy! i held my breathe still and then saw Vita Brevis by Jostein Gaardner! so clutched both books to my chest and checked my wallet. Damn! No cash. i handed the books over to the cashier and headed for the money changer just beside the shop. I still had crumpled notes in USD, Viet dong, Ringgit and Thai baht and decided to lump change them all into sing dollar. I left the us dollars alone and was refused change for the viet dong because they were discontinued notes. In total i got over 50 dollars sing. my eyes widened at the thought of how many used paperbacks i could haul back but i told myself not to be greedy. I still need to buy fags to curb real hunger pangs for food *hehehe* my shoes; the ones i was wearing had a heel to be fixed so i had in mind to make a pass at the roadside cobblers to have them fixed later. so i didn't have much time. lunch break lasts only an hour and i had only 30 mins left. i walked back to the shop and continued my search. i forgot who called me about mundane monday blues (or was it a tuesday?) but all the while all i could think of was one more book so that i could get my 5 dollars worth. i saw ben okri and instantly i thought of biksmuse but i didn't know if she could stomach a love story. ben okri could be very teary and i wanted her NOT to be teary. in truth, i just wanted this bookhunt to be solely mine alone so i left ben okri there. as i rummaged through while listening to whoever it was on the phone, i saw 'Kiss Of The Spider Woman' by Manuel Puig! images of dark cells and then sadist intent bursts forth and i didn't hesitate to grab it to the safety of my arms.

done! three books written about love sharing the same theme or rather had the same feel of dark eros and its implications. R-E-V-E-N-G-E! all classics and i really did skip a little while i made payment for my treasure. with exception of Vista Brevis, i had the other two books on my booklist. my fingers trembled when i fingered The Joke. i walked on towards the traffic junction was to get my shoe fixed. the caller has since gone mute so my mind was free to wander to the printed words in my hands. while waiting for my shoes i read each praise (they don't list the critics) and my heart skipped a beat again as i note that The Joke's spine has not been broken. Did the previous owner not love this book? What was its history? Where has it travelled? How did it land in that shop with its spine intact and no mark whatsoever stain this book? its still wrapped in plastic that has turned yellow and felt more like cling wrap rather than the normal thick clear ones that one would use to protect books. there were no tears and i told myself maybe its previous owner was a shikino type. they refuse to break the spine so as to keep it in pristine condition.

i was introduced to che. milan by nyce or stinky *LOL* she lent me her copy of Laughable Loves which i have since returned. Then his novel 'The Unbearable Lightness of Being' was made into a movie. I didn't watch the movie because i wanted very much to read it first and now instead of it i had The Joke in my hands. I reached the office and i set my books on display. they act as reminders or my means to an end to my day at work. I reconfirmed my muay thai class for later and promptly left on time to get my stuff needed for later at golden mile complex. i had promised to meet che. zeemonkey so that we can head off to my place, before that we had to pick up stephie who will join us. at 6pm stephie called and said she has already arrived and i excitedly showed stephie my finds!

she asked me where i got books so cheap and it was then that i noticed that The Joke was missing! my heart sank. i thought i heard it crack a little when i remembered thumbing through its pages just a few hours before. I turned to che. zeemonkey and said now i am really pissed and will be kicking hard at muay thai tonight. i wanted to forget i even had The Joke in my hands. Stephie tried to console me with "Well, I am sure its just not meant to be" so i let it rest. maybe it just wasn't time for me to dig deep into The Joke. I still wasn't consoled so i texted biksmuse just to vent. che.zeemonkey couldn't care less if i read toilet paper! and stephie was being stephie, so i seek solace in my text to biks and sniffed my regrets to her as i pressed 'send'.

i nearly passed out during muay thai and i centered all my anger, my regrets, my longings into class. my heavy skip ropes lashed at my feet but the pain just inched my heart away from the real pain that i was feeling; remembering The Joke. my pushkicks were centred at one aim, my carelessness! How could i have left it there! but the extreme workout and catching up with both of them eased my guilt a wee bit. i showered and then snuggled with Vista Brevis in bed. ahh..a love letter! how apt i said to myself and pored over the words and came across "Feminis lugere honestum est, viris meminisse", meaning ''Tacitus wrote that it is fitting for women to grive over a loss, for men to remember it.' i had to smile and then lulled away to sleep from fatigue over the day's exertion. my heart will mend, my mind rationalised. i still had the other two books safely in bed with me and i could always go back to shalimar who has since made its impression.

the next day, my heart eased by che. jostein on my way to work; i sat down to prepare myself for the day ahead and turned to the corner of my means to an end to tuck che. jostein's love letter as usual. lo and behold! The Joke stood to look at me with its one eye. the lips slighlty apart, a lighted cigarette parked in them leered at me. FOUND! and sooooooooooooooooo the joke was on me i thought aloud *singgers* i found biksmuse online and told her of my silliness but what does it mean? i took my pen and scribbled "The speaking of afters...& the haunts of klakla...may 2009. ps: The Joke is on Moi" :D signed it off as mine and so it is.

stay sane,

jahatamyemeelea

note: its terror 2 birthday this 16th and terror 3 will turn six years this 13th. the familiar claws to that part of me as mama cries but i shall remind myself not to shed a tear *although i did a bit* least the joke is on me again :)

ps: what is 'klakla'? its in reference to The Joker of my life. one who lives in eternal memory and on my list of redressibilty...and whom i pray for forgetting.