just don't...

"What doesn't transmit light creates its own darkness - Marcus Aurelius"

A simple phone call..

I heard her puffing away on over the crackling line and we chatted over the trivialities. The sky was overcast and we agreed that in this melancholic weather there was nothing better but a hot cup of killer java and curling clove smoke from our cigarettes to churn out the best that we could ever on the problems of the mind and soul over Microsoft words in APA format. I laughed and she giggled contentedly. Testing our dialectical prowess with the topic, 'sex and creativity' we came to a conclusion that sex is best as a reward but does zilch to aid creativity. The only creativity before, during and after sex is in the imaginary realm. To be more specific; the only creativity will be of the very selfish kind. We laughed some more to that and toasted our conclusions with a verbal hi-five!!!

The seconds were ticking away. Our short break was ending soon and the shot of inhaled caffeine was kicking in. with another exhale she confided in me. Her voice was steady but the cracks were slowly creeping in. I had to focus and listen intently on what she wanted to say because she was slowly fading away through the mumble grumbles. She was on the verge of making a decision and was losing her hold on relativity. She wanted closure and tried on her own to search for her own closure but her short bouts of introspection was only blurring the lines of subjectivity and objectivity. Not to mention her decided on end goal was starting feel as if it could drift far far away. I called her bluff and encouraged her to call in her inner strength and prodded her for the dilemma. Her breathing became slow and I heard another crick from her lighter. I followed suit and went to my room to be the crutch she's expecting me to be.

Silence was mandatory. Melati apologized and excused herself to get a drink of water. She came back to the phone and sighed nonchalantly.

She then started and told me in a pitch so off tuned, which signaled her wavering self belief that she didn't know if by choosing herself over spending time with her dying mum was such a good idea. I asked if this was a choice between the noumenal (things in themselves) and the phenomenal world (conscious experience)? She said maybe it was because her will to survive her decision to finish this diploma was interfering with her daily commitments. Especially those with her estranged mother, who is living away from her. Making this even worse was the fact that her mom was slowly fading, suffering in quiet patience with a husband who didn't care anymore. Her cancer was making itself more pronounced and she has been erratic with her moods. Although her mother fully understands and supports her daughter's determination to secure a future through education by always smiling and being serene whenever melati was around. Melati knew her mother deep down felt abandoned. She had made this known to melati before but she accepted that this was just the way it has to be for this while. Melati needed to do what needed to be done now alternating school and work in order to be financially independent so that she can take care of her mum in the near future. She needed to secure her identity and her future to enable her to rescue her mom from bleak existence. Both lived in desperation, hungry for security and this ate into their love. No matter how empathetic and compassionate their discourses and play to be, there was always dissension.

And today it happened again. She told me she could feel her heart bleeding painfully. I sucked harder on my fag, bracing myself for her surefire tears.

Melati was to see her mum tomorrow for a weekend out. She had already decided earlier on that she'd have to probably get her sister to stand in for her this week. She’d be there but due to pressing datelines and the stress of exams, melati would not be able to stay nights. Her own place was a mess and she wasn't in the right mind to be able to concentrate on mother. Mom has needs and after a short discussion, her ever affable sister offered to stand in for melati. She even offered to pick mom up so that melati didn't have to rush to and fro from home and even offered her place so that melati didn't have to clean up. Reluctantly melati agreed because it has been weeks and she did miss mom. With all her up and downs, her offbeat eccentricity and her knack for cloying extremes, melati figured she'd be able to fleet through another draining weekend without dropping dead on Monday. All because she firmly believed, quality was better than quantity so she mustered the energy to call her step dad to arrange to pick mom up tomorrow. Her mom answered the phone and she surprised melati by telling her that she has plans this weekend so they'd have to postpone their weekend date together to next week. Surprised but slightly relieved too, Melati told her mom that she too had exams and wanted to postpone but had already made arrangements with Ida (her sister) so as not to interrupt their weekend together. Hadn’t they promised that no matter how busy, they would always try to meet regularly? In the background she heard her step dad's chatter but suddenly with a distant shout her mother suddenly hung up. Melati was relieved at the sudden turn of events but she was suspiciously worried too after that short phone call. Melati doesn't have any respect for her step dad. Not one iota, she just tolerated his existence all this while because after all, he is her mom's lawful husband. She knew that he was just making use of mom as a slave and mere substitute of a wife at home. Her step dad was getting a married to a second wife but since mom approved, melati could only seethe in a distance. She didn't want to interfere because they all had to live their own lives. She cooled her own temper with her dreams of taking care of her mom as soon as she could buy her own place and give her mom the refuge that she longs for. So with those trailing thoughts she made another call and her step dad answered. Gruffly without any apologies he told melati to pick her mom up tomorrow and that her mom could stay with her till Wednesday. She said it was impossible because she'd be working on Monday but said she'd try to accommodate because melati was just too tired to argue with this obstinate man. Another call to her sister confirmed that it would be all right for mom to stay till Wednesday so she called again to confirm. This time her mom was whining painfully, begging to be taken away from this hateful man. Apparently, the old ogre was going off on a tour with his friends. Her mom wasn't included because she had her doctor appointments to meet next week. So the hateful man was just going to leave her with Melati to take care of her needs while he goes happily gallivanting away. Her mom thought she was to follow which was why she cancelled earlier but then later to her dissapointment, to be told oterwise. She wasn't coming with him. Melati tried to calm her down and said it will be all okay soon so asked to speak to the ogre and see if they could come to a compromise. She tried to use this opportunity as leverage and bargain to see mom for later dates. Apparently, it has been difficult for her mom to get away because who would then be there to cook and clean and care for the ogre if she's away. But the arrogant hateful old man was as always, non-committal. They ended the conversation with her resigned and he triumphant as always.

By now her voice was pitching higher and higher. Her nostrils flaring fire for all I know and tears strained her sentences making it harder to me to follow her train of thoughts. I wanted to stay rational but it was difficult not to get emotional. Hearing her seesawing in between alternate states threw me off kilter from my own center. She was on one hand angry that her step dad was always taking advantage of her need to see her mom. She was always giving in and she could never plan for proper dates and things to do because of instances like these. She always tried hard and sacrificed her own time and feelings to be able to build on the shreds of relationship she had with her mom. She never minded till now where she felt that she didn't want to be made use of anymore. She had to stop and swallow her tears I imagined and I didn't stop her. I only told her to keep going on because I felt she needed to let it all out. I could feel her frustrations on tethers and she was broken raw. She told me she had all the mind to tell the old man to fuck off and he take care of mom this weekend. She believed she all the right to refuse and take this time to fully concentrate and finish what she had to do so that she can fully make up with a smashing outing with her mom next week. She was almost screaming now and she at times she wasn't breathing. I think she was controlling her anger but instead she swallowed in gulps of air to control herself because she didn't want to turn me deaf. She let out a few expletives directed at her step dad and then her voice dipped to a mere whisper and it slinked together into her spiraling depression.

I understood her dilemma now and reminded her that intelligent beings suffer the most. I reminded her that in Schopenhauer's view, suffering varies with awareness. Plants suffer no pain because they lack awareness. The lowest species of animals and insects suffer some, and the higher animals suffer still more. Humans, of course suffer the most, especially the most intelligent humans. "In much wisdom is much grief; and he that increath knowledge increath sorrow - Book of Ecclesiastes or commonly known as the Bible" Then added that therefore, in proportion as knowledge attains distinctness, consciousness is enhanced, pain also increases, and consequently reaches to its highest degree in man; and all the more, the more distinctly he knows, and the more intelligent he is. The person in whom genius is to be found suffers most of all. - Schopenhauer 1818/1966 Vol. 1, p. 310) I needed myself to get on that higher plane so that I could save her from her despair. It was clearly important to her to spend time with her mom and it was equally if not more pressing for her to graduate with flying colors to end of all their beginnings. I understood too how these mere momentary feelings of being useless no matter how painful would disappear. Her pessimism was tearing her apart and that was normal. Fulfillment eludes all of us because all willing (our decisions) springs from deficiency, and thus from suffering. Fulfillment brings this to an end; yet for one wish that is fulfilled there remain at least ten that are denied. None attained object of willing can give a satisfaction that lasts and no longer declines. We are like beggars having alms thrown at us, which reprieves us today so that our misery might be prolonged tomorrow. I was still calm but she was not getting near where I was. It was getting darker outside and the rumble in the sky gave clue to the stormy skies ahead.

She argued that either way she feels guilty. She picks up her mom and feels guilty for not being there in full. She has to impose on her sister to do most of the work when it is her turn and responsibility to take care of her. She called herself the worst ever daughter because she could be worrying about how she couldn't meet her datelines and feeling tired was utmost on her head when her mom was to be her first priority. But then she knows that by giving in to the ogre this time and all the times before she has placed herself in the most vulnerable position she have imagined. The ogre has already made it known that she was to see her mom only as and when he agrees or at his whim and fancy. She feels mad that her mom was being treated like an object and even more so that she was supporting his ideas by even trying to bargain for what was her full rights. A daughter. It doesn't matter that they are living the life of any broken family, this was getting on her very nerves and she fear that she might blow up or breakdown. How to if her mom was in the precarious balance? I had to stop her by telling how much she is starting to sound like our case studies in class but she did stop to listen.

I wanted to slam down on her. I couldn't take the whining and wanted to shout at her to shock her out of distress. And if I was standing right in front of her slap her hard. I was glaring down on the mouthpiece and the corner of my mouth felt tight because I felt what she felt and it was unbearable listening to her sobbing like a small girl when I know she was made up of much much more than this. I wanted to tell her to do what she feels is right. Tell the old fucker to eat his own crap and die. He can lock her up at home if he wants. Let all his plans go to hell because wasn't he his first and foremost caregiver? He was the type that was never grateful and will not be in anytime in the future. Melati never went against him believing that this was all temporary and he is her step dad. She still respects him for the little things he had done for her mom. But stoic calm wasn't going to bring justice to neither melati nor her mom. This wasn't time to be patient anymore when instead what he needed was a good kick in his butt. I had a good mind to ask melati to convince her mom of divorcing him. Throw him out the house if he dares to go on without her or stop either of them from seeing each other. If it were I, I wouldn't have let this incident down.

But I knew that in the hardest of times, the most turbulent of storms; in the eye of it all was still perfect calm. I asked her what she wanted to do. She told me that it was too late to do anything because she has already agreed to pick her up tomorrow. Mom will stay with her sister till Wednesday and she'll commute to and fro from her rented apartment to spend bits of time with her mom. She’d probably lug her laptop to her sister's place and worry later about having her nephews tampering with her borrowed laptop. Instead of all the above that I wanted to say and do, I held back and told her that if she wanted to cancel tomorrow she could just do it with a simple call. She could just say she was busy and even offer the truth. She already has plans to bring her mom for a shopping spree next week after payday so a weekend will not be the end of the world. She should not beat herself up like this because of one refusal. Her mom would understand and if she did so, she would even be doing her mom a favor by showing her what a bastard husband he has. He’d probably give her a hard time sulking and throwing tantrums because melati has foiled his plans for once or maybe he could even just leave her lonely. If either of that happens and it probably will, then she'd be the one that the mom calls. Plan A was still in place, but even better in the future the fucking bastard will think twice about crossing her. He will learn to tell her in advance if he needed time away and maybe he will be smart about it and learn that in order for you to be able to respect him and understand him, he has to give her the same. I told her she must consider how this could impact her future dealings with him. It might be small, insignificant in fact but small step for her, a huge step for everyone. I told her to imagine that she was Armstrong himself taking small steps over the moon, "Small step for man but giant step for mankind" but to replace it with "Small step for Melati but giant step for everybody!" she could of course go with her plans but what use was it to be bitter and frustrated and thinking that this will never end. This wasn't a case of being petty. This was her way of empowering herself with the knowledge that she is still in control and will be if she can make that call to tell him that she will see her mother next week instead.

She sniffed and asked if I was hungry. I told her famished but I have smoked more than 3 sticks so have lost that appetite to eat. She then told me that she's been asked to see the movie 'Golden Compass' with a hot guy tomorrow and I exclaimed in protest because I missed the movie stardust due to some stupid planning and was going to beat her at watching the golden compass before her! Gleefully she said she'd call me tomorrow to let me in all the details and of course I said I’d just hang up on her. Maybe as a reward after the exams I’d book myself on an adventure to Bali or somewhere. We made plans for Christmas holidays to have coffee or if she could rob a bank undetected she will bring me for a day trip to Holland to smoke the good stuff. I laughed at her frivilousity and then she excused herself because it is only 945pm and it was still fairly early. She could probably catch her mom now. I was just happy that her tears were gone and that she was once more the lightning muse of mine. The one that flashes fiercest in the darkest of skies as an opening act to the downpour of insights that falls hard in big angry splashes when I experience hot dry spells of ideas.

Before she could say anything else, I thanked her for the smoke break and told to get her back on the working horse pronto! The night was long and we both have still much to do. I didn't get back on the laptop since I had already switched it off so I went to the kitchen instead to reheat the pizza that my brother ordered yesterday and helped myself with a few slices. I switched on television to tune off my mind and there I was blissfully a couch potato, ignorant of all other stimulus except for the images flashing in front of me, my left hand a tall glass of coke and in my right a huge slice of meat lover pizza.
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for quite sometime now, the tag 'teaching tales' was my msn tag. i haven't the longest time written for the self and suddenly the elegies disapeared! above is another go of writing as i fancy my self a stylo mylo escribitionista. not to be confused with someone who randomly flashes thier willy nillies at unassuming passerbys. but hey! isnt blogging some perverse way of 'baring yourself' too? :p *iamDApervert* hehehehe.....Although it is nice to get paid lar hor like all those other bloggers. but i digress, i write because i feel for writting. it helps to clear my pipes the way sex does for men and women alike haha! i read an article in shikinos many magazines on time about how sometimes its best NOT to say a word to a friend who is experiencing some kind of loss or another. it said how soemtimes not to say anything is really the best way of dealing with things but for me....yes, no doubt a hug or look could go a long way but i prefer to spread it all out. when we share and bare our souls to another, we are in hopes of a certain reaction. its like i give you peanut butter and a slice of bread and then tell you i don't what thew the hell to do with nor do i have the appetite to have a peanut butter sandwich. maybe i wanted to eat some but i don't feel like it and now i that i am stuck with it and since you are my chosen one. YOU think, do, anything or whatever to the peanut butter and slice of bread. hrmmm...too long to go on with that analogy but ask me when you see me.

the point i wanted to make was.....i have never liked it when i go ahead to bare my soul to someone and then to be told, "You do whatever you want but if you choose to do something that makes you cry, sad, angry and scream unfair please do not complain." What they want to mean is that they don't want to see, hear or know that you are sad, anger or depressed over something that you have decided to do. Or in many cases HAVE DONE. haven't you ever gone to your regular salon to have your hair done only then find yourself with burnt hair? you then rant, vent and bitch in tears to your best friend to have her tell you :-

a) i told you what they no good, you never listen *then they get angry*
b) its okay lar, cannot see you got burn your hair *then they talk about thier pets*
c) so now what you want to do *then they stare down at their nails*
d) same same story, what else is new *then they get even angier*
e) then don't go to that salon then! *they get even angier or angriest at this point*

or they say that the incident is done and over with and proceed with silence.

*hummph* JUST don't okay *munchpizza*

stay sane,
jahatamyemeelea

risky business..

maybe it could be due to the cold weather lately but i find myself eating alot! well....since i've cut down much on the smokies anyway.

*sips coffee*

now chilling before i start burning midnight oil again :) *itsgo-blogtime!*

i think my office is haunted ler *gahhhhhh!* and its giving me the heeby jeebies just to think about it. the building is right beside the armenian church *synanogue?* where the former malaysian high commision is and a short distance away is fort canning. on my way to the stamp museum i spied graves, which are natural to churches and places of worship *especiallychurches* and even took a picture of it. it kinda spooked the 3 terrors *hehehehe* but intresting enough to make a solid imprint of mama's work address with them. didn't think much about it but my lunch breaks can be very pretty actually. the office goes dead after 6pm because because because.....i couldn't really pin on the answer to that yet but after today......

i think its because, really lerr....its kinda spooky. take the times *threetimes!!inarow* when i was in the ladies, i found myself wondering if this particular tap (its the one with the auto sensors) could be faulty because when i was all alone in the cubicle *ahems* the water just kept going on and off. i didn't think too much about it but the second time it happened, i noticed that it only does that when i'm alone in the toilet. it stops 'playing' when someone else comes into the toilet. so logically, to prove if my theory is correct, i should stay and see what happens when all the others leave right? WRONG! because the second i realised that my hairs were all at attention i ran out. the 3rd time it happened, i found myself asking why the heow you want to play with water dar; water is precious you know and then stopped myself when i realised that i'm actually believing that 'it' could be a real 'it' *uwaaaa!* so before i turn paranoid i quit thinking or speaking or acknowledge that anything is wrong.

then today today today....*jeng jeng jeng* ms. ikebana asked me if i'd be hanging around till late. i am the first one in and the last one out so it makes perfect sense for her to ask. maybe she didn't have the keys to lock up. and the guys already know that i like to hang around on days before class to chill before walking to school. but then the look on her face when i told her i'm rushing off early today *skipclass* made me panic. so i JUST HAAAAAAD to ask if she was afraid to be alone in the office. she laughed nervously and said she'd rather not say because afraid that i might freak out *hehe* but i forced her anyway and she answered me affirmative. by this time, my eyes already the size of saucers ler. no kidding! so i told her about the tap incidents and then she HAAAAAAD to point out the spot where its supposedly to be 'keras' or literally 'hard'...meaning very haunted *yikes!!* and its that corridor leading to the ladies *gulp* she even told me she ever SAW stuff *arrrghhhh* which made me feel like i wanna pee on da spot :p

us malays DO NOT use the word 'keras' lightly. it has to be of incidents and feelings so imbued with oppressive fear and super scary encounters, that the minute when you mention this place hard that place very hard, guys like me can go weak in the knees already. so i'm trying to be very brave here, seeing that i'm usually the only one left in the office in the evenings and will stay actually just to chat to the cleaning lady. you can't blame me lar, she brings me kueh-kueh *yummy!* to eat while we clear up the office. i'm in charge of shredding paper at the end of every day >D and she does what she does best, which is wash up and mop, vacuum or gossip with me lar!

ms. ikebana was fine when i left because ms. wow-at-40 was still in the office together with mr. simply-water. sis sally (the cleaning lady) had just only arrived so she didn't rush off to leave with me just now. and i have to blog about it before i can think of anything else actually. so now that my story is done....its back to....

my never endings. target to just finish and not fight it anymore!!!!!

so you JUST mark me with compassionate pass LAH! i'll still do my utmost to do a good paper.

stay sane,
jahatamyemeelea *stillkindaspookednie*

avatars...personal stirrings of the soul

"the perfect has no need of the other, but weakness has, for it seeks support and does not confront its partner with anything that might force him into inferior position and even humiliate him." - C G Jung in The Undiscovered Self..

so now you understand why i do not put up my arms easily to painful jibes and uncomfortable situations? ;) because i know what you want and need. why should i be the one to give it to you? i reserve my right to say NO :D

work has been great! 3 weeks into the job and recently confirmed i do not have much bad or negative things to say. although it hasn't been all good vibes naturally, i will be patient and reserve my vile lashings till the bad stuff *coughpersoncough* confirms through many many repeat incidents and breathe fire. although, i am not taking these small incidents and slights to be personal, i am going to keep them in mind and make them transparent to 'cover my ass for future'. sorry gal...life is a bitch and you have just met daMUTHERBIATCH herself so be wary otey....

one does not shred her mistakes and not own up to her mistakes without ulterior motives. one does not ask to 'retract and delete' an ALREADY SENT email to a superior if she does not fear! and one could not be SO clever and bright if she ASKS for email to be retracted and deleted with comments, "what did you send so big an attachment 8kb? i can't seem to open it? you cc'ed boss oso? next time things like these you do not have to copy to her ok?" well oh well.....thanks babe, you just made me even more wary and will from today onwards not just copy but blind copy every email between us because there is A NEED be *muahahaha*

sometimes its the things you do, maybe the things you say and most of the time it is all that is unspoken that does it for me. heavily guided by intuition; i must say i am one of those but to the rest i believe, evidence of proof is still very much needed. reading in between the lines is my speciality but i am still very rational and logical. learnt that assumptions are not very productive and the is nothing like reason being backed up by hard evidence. just that my own absolute certainty brings its own evidence and has no need for anthropomorphic proofs....*keep the faith \m/*

see you gals tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

stay sane,
jahatamyemeelea