3rd day and counting..

i just finished a bowl of maggisedap noodles *comfortfoodburp* :) and lunch today at work was soOOooo good hehe. we had nasi lemak, fried chicky wings, fried fishcake, omelette, sambal power, spinach soup and the usual fried anchovies, peanuts and last but not least fresh cucumber slices!!! the canteen was unusually pack today and i suspect its because the food is really not bad-bad as usual.

i won't put my hopes too high on liking this job as i wouldn't want to get dissapointed again *referringtoallmylastjobs* as the hotel industry is famous for its 'in-house politics'. can you imagine the director of sales who interviewed me actually asked what i thought of office politics?! and how i would handle such skrimishes. of course i blah-blahed sales-talked my way through hehe but now after just 3 days i remember how so-so very bad the backstabbing, the super bitching and *insertexpletiveshere* can be. the last 3 days also reminded me no matter how much time has flown since i was back to the hotel and now that i am not 17 anymore :P all that DOES not change how my former colleagues remember me. they must be asking why the hell did i choose to come back after all these years and thinking that i am still who i am before *ahem17ahem* doo bi doo bi doo......

but who, what and why would things, people and places WON'T change? i shudder and shiver at the thought of misinterpertations of who, what and why am i now and how i'm going to handle all the raised eyebrows and tempers. still...its a very small teeny weeny problemo, very much depending on HOW i need to just keep on smiling and WHEN to reflect on every bad and good comments *blueeek*

just today i almost threw a fit and went nuts when all of the above started to fly whizz past me and as i took a long drag on my free ciggs, in the last available smoking zone within the hotel, i reminded myself again as to WHY i chose to go back in the first place. i have no time to think of the major cons *thepast* and need to only focus on the future. i hate it when i am put in a spot and automatically second guess myself. but without the occasional 'yer ker aku macam gitu ker' or 'am i really like that' kinda questions, then self realisations will have no opporturnities to surface. hence....no time to think. did all the thinking and now to concentrate on the doing and pushing for consistency!

as they say practice makes perfect and i don't look like a haggard nyonya lah!!!!! >( i have to put bun up my hair you see and i wear tinted wire frame ala chegu bedah glasses *whichitookoffaftermuchbitchingfromthemanagers*, apparently i can't wear my type of glasses at front office. i already told them to give me a bit of time and i'll get new glasses but for now i can't see very well but of course the bitching HAD to go on. die siak...everything oso have to buy new!! and get this! the juniors are not allowed to wear any earrings, not even small studs as its a 'priviledge' given only to managers and above *prrrft* aper jer!!!!!! *fumes* add plak we MUST wear only skin colored stockings *minewasgreyishhoneyish* and i had to change to a pair that made my legs look fake and wooden :S it also sucks that i lost too much weight and bear very very close resemblance to olive oyl *gundekpopeyetue* and everyone can't stop themselves from telling me to put on weight thinking that i'm sick... gua biasa ah, step denial. "iiiiiJIIT?!!! too skinny meh? i tot i look very sexy leyy." *openeyesbigBIG* since when was it a crime to lose weight ah?

well, whatever it is! priorities are priorities and no one can bear the heavy burden of responsibilty for another. if you want to you can of course but i do hope i'd never have to pause to think of the consequences when i ever ter-want to carry anything for anyone :P i will try to perfect the 'art' of giving and receiving nasihat or advise *foaaaar* and FOCUS on my new year resolutions *saaaaap*

i promise to do my best,

to do my duty to god,

to serve my country and

help other people and

to keep to ALL my promises,

for the good, the bad and et all.

okay dah...if you find the above familiar its because its a revised my-version of the Girl Guide's promise dah :D

stay sane,
amyemeelea

lagu wak mentel..

hehe..i never cease to be amazed everytime i blog read ;) and boy oh boy!!! it made my day it did :D

"Maniac" by Michael Sembello

Just a small town girl on a Saturday night
lookin' for the fight of her life
In the real-time world no one sees her at all
They all say she's crazy

Locking rhythms to the beat of her heart
Changing woman into life
She has danced into the danger zone
When a dancer becomes a dance

It can cut you like a knife
If the gift becomes the fire
On a wire between will and what will be

She's a maniac, maniac on the floor
And she's dancing like she's never danced before
She's a maniac, maniac on the floor
And she's dancing like she's never danced before

On the ice-build iron sanity is a place most never see
It's a hard warm place of mystery
Touch it, but can't hold it

You work all your life for that moment in time
It could come or pass you by
It's a push of the world, but there's always a chance
If the hunger stays the night

There's a cold connective heat,
Struggling, stretching for defeat
Never stopping with her head against the wind

She's a maniac, maniac, I sure know
And she's dancing like she's never danced before
She's a maniac, maniac, I sure know
And she's dancing like she's never danced before

(Solo)

It can cut you like a knife
If the gift becomes the fire
On a wire between will and what will be
She's a maniac, maniac, I sure know
And she's dancing like she's never danced before

(repeats out)

its my first day at work tomorrow yeah!! and as usual i'm already hyperventilating. one of the major reasons i took up this job even when the pay sucks and! this is gonna be my third stint back to the hotel industry is because i'll finally be able to do something that is not gonna take up too much headspace :) being already an old-hand at front desk duties and all. major points also is cos its just beside al falah mosque and 2 bus stops away from night school!!! fave lepak corner is opposite at takashimaya and the library @ orchard there too! *phew* i can't wait for the new year to start...errrm....must make mental note to check islamic calender as well but yes...still sane and happy all the same.

till then,
amyemeelea

dancing in my head..

jihn once told me that my blog smells of something that reeks in the institute of mental heath :P another saiko's blog *bluuekkk* but it takes one to know one!

the first signs that you are a mental head is when you start to talk to yourself and sure enough, sometimes it does feel like you are writting/speaking to yourself but what makes a blog different is because a HUGE part of you knows that someone or somebody will chance upon your musings and rants to make or not make sense of it and hence you feel at peace and no longer crazy. aren't we all so full of ourselves then? :) we all laughed in class when the lecturer gave us an example of everybody talking to ourselves now (via wireless headphones) and how many times have i caught myself talking to myself *withoutheadphones* and i had to laugh.

a silly little laugh.....

thank god *mumblesalittleprayerofthanks* finally things kinda of settled. i WILL start on the new job on the 27th Dec and soon thereafter will start moving to my bros place. everything that has happened and will happen are for reasons that i will have no absolute idea what there are for, but loads of self realisations there. it all leads to how happy am i or will i be when circumstances change. be it because of external or internal factors. the only theme that stays constant will be the changes that i will encounter for *hopefully* a long time to come. another year will come to close and i will be another year older *accks!!* and who knows if this new job will be a consolation from the last job i left. time will tell and for whatever that comes to past from tomorrow onwards i will learn to be thankful always and keep sane.

that means awhole lotta juggling! and a huge big basket of hope to carry and the determination to follow through decisions made with my heart, my head, my soul *me!* i feel sad though because there will be some things that i will have to lose through these changes. inevitably because this was how i was lead to believe and since now i know better, no more crying over spilt milk! cos there no split milk to cry over wot ;P

"all feelings are good, because thier purpose is to provide us with information, direction and motivation that will help us create a satisfying life" excerpt from book :) so go ahead, feel bored, angry, guilty, sad, lonely, inadequant, stressed, and scared! fulfill each and every need with meaningful purposes and soon you'll see alls well ends well *tonguetwisted!* don't be afraid to question cos thats the only thing that seperate the boys from men and the gals from the ladies ;) but be afraid who and how you question cos you never know how and whats the answer you gonna get. kalau kena lempang then salah orang ler lu tanya kan? dan kalau dapat jawapan bodoh maknanya orang tue ler yang tak tahu jawapan untok soalan lu bukan? *doesalittledance* :D

be prepared, stay sane!

amyemeelea

all i see is little squares...

eeek!!! mater gua da nak betol nyer potek gaknyer ah!!! *rubrub*

i'm at my bros place in tamps (short form for tampines hehe) and it looks like i'd be blogging from here more often in the future. the 3 terrors are missing and classified 'unofficially' kidnapped from me this weekend :( and i miss them terribly. i did get to speak to all the terrors yesterday before they went missing in action and its very hard not to get all emotional and crack over the phone when all i want to do is touch and hold them and not let go! >( *marahjugaknie*

i have been reading non stop and i keep falling asleep while practising theraphy techniques :P oh well oh well...all in the name of school hehe. bits of more good news! i'm moving again next year to my bro's place in woodlands cos i'm so tired of moving from one place to another and this time i'm not going to move again until its really my own place or someting more permanent so please pray for my brother and his wife :D thank you both of you for welcoming me and giving me the due support ;)

the other piece of good news is that i just got my licence to do relief teaching and will be teaching next year woooooooHOOOOOOO!!! *lompatsukaria* and for those who are skeptical about ME teaching *glaresatimran* just watch me ;)

*rushofeuphoria* welkum to the muda mudi club che poww! and wish you all the best in your germang course. yes yes.. i can totally see the two of us feeling-feeling student over coffee! but warning ah...i'm not sure how teaching and being a student stimultaneously will affect me next year ;D already i'm so stretched but a promise is a promise, designated sunday already pre-booked. so keep me in the loop.

stay sane,
amyemeelea

everything and then nothing...

it is so hard to make sense of a whole lot of things for me but i try my very best to accomodate, give in and adapt. usually not done willingly and that is very much still a problem for me. it is true when you repress you get depressed and same rings true for saper makan cili dia terasa pedas (literally translated as, u eat cili u feel hot and spicy hehe).

class has been great and i know i flunked my first two essays last semester. didn't make head or tails in class and as usual i tried it my way and used 'feel' to make my way around and then tried to crash a whole lot into 1500 words. i learnt my lesson/s and thank god for second, third and quadruples many many chances the school is willing to give me *atmycostofcourse*...and i will beat this curve ball and many other life threatening curve balls that is gonna be thrown my way. the only way to beat depression in situations of such nature is to never give up but i don't know how many times i have fallen into the 'habit' of feeling defeated and altogether decide to give up. choose the easy way out or the cowards way out as many would like to say. but that is just one perspective and i have heart and believe that not all of us view situations in just one teeny tiny narrow way. a little hope goes a long way and if you don't believe me try injecting it into someone's deemed hopeless case and in return i can bet you might just end up to be his or her bestest friend in the whole wide world. who doesn't like to be understood? who doesn't want to be understood but alas it seems to me that nobody has the time to want to understand or put in the effort to be understood. i still can't figure a better solution other than to communicate and spend more more more time for effective communication.

only this is hard if neither of you speak the same language or share the same goal of wanting to communicate. so i wish for my books to talk to me in a way i can understand! i damn wish for all these authors to just say the same thing :P but now i know how much 'originality in understanding' is worth so here goes me diving with much more enthusiasm into my lists of books and journals and articles to read and jamming all of my understanding into 1500 -understood with citations APA format and of course edited- words with hopes that my 'originality' will do me and all those around me some good if not best.

last but not least..thank you ayong for putting me up as a link and yes *ahem* i do like oysters!!! ;P *droolslurp* and i dig che omniverse. espescially that piece on "how good on jugdements and decisions do we make". with all these tests and conclusions pointing towards progress and deeper understanding into the human psyche, we still firmly believe and go repeat the same mistakes over and over again. i understand the frustration on either fence. the eternal question of to be or NOT to be, as haven't we all been accused of being -insert any negative label here- ever so often. the key is not to lose your marbles and trust in yourself ;)

oh! and i just need to add to this, just think about this...Muhammad Asad author of Islam at Crossroads (pg 92) distinguishes reason and rationalism by saying that, "unlike reason, rationalism does not content itself with registration and control, but jumps into the field of speculation; it is not receptive and detached like pure reason, but extremely subjective and temperamental." i find solace in that and i very often choose to reason than rationalise even at the risk of being labelled as many other than just being reasonable.

otey, so its un-reasonable of me to ask for my books to talk the way i can understand better or just change anything for my own selfish reasons ;P doesn't make sense or not logical right? i'm very sure i'm not the only person who wished to be more understood *yesevenbybooks* but just how did the blind get to read???? just shows but a little amount of effort and a whole lot of love to change the world. a little proding and show of directions is all i ask to understand what makes the world go round. talk to me about the distinct difference and help me apply either to a situation is all it takes to cajol this mule headed me to give it a try. stand by me and not to leave me in the ditches and leave me to die. oh well, let's go beg *buatmukakesian* for others to help me then. i shan't bother those who shan't be bothered and i could't bring myself to bother if you already told me you hate to be bothered, at least i know of One whose always open to being bothered and that's enough for me.

*amygoesinsearchofsomeonewhocouldandwouldmakeherunderstand*

stay sane peeps,
amyemeelea

if you're intrested...

one of my elder bro is a certified hypnotheraphist and he's planning to conduct an introductory class (full day) over one of the coming weekends. its free and i'm going to attend :D so whoever is 'game', up and ready to go please drop me an email cause ;) its gonna be a small class so let me know asap!

stay sane,
amyemeelea