everything and then nothing...

it is so hard to make sense of a whole lot of things for me but i try my very best to accomodate, give in and adapt. usually not done willingly and that is very much still a problem for me. it is true when you repress you get depressed and same rings true for saper makan cili dia terasa pedas (literally translated as, u eat cili u feel hot and spicy hehe).

class has been great and i know i flunked my first two essays last semester. didn't make head or tails in class and as usual i tried it my way and used 'feel' to make my way around and then tried to crash a whole lot into 1500 words. i learnt my lesson/s and thank god for second, third and quadruples many many chances the school is willing to give me *atmycostofcourse*...and i will beat this curve ball and many other life threatening curve balls that is gonna be thrown my way. the only way to beat depression in situations of such nature is to never give up but i don't know how many times i have fallen into the 'habit' of feeling defeated and altogether decide to give up. choose the easy way out or the cowards way out as many would like to say. but that is just one perspective and i have heart and believe that not all of us view situations in just one teeny tiny narrow way. a little hope goes a long way and if you don't believe me try injecting it into someone's deemed hopeless case and in return i can bet you might just end up to be his or her bestest friend in the whole wide world. who doesn't like to be understood? who doesn't want to be understood but alas it seems to me that nobody has the time to want to understand or put in the effort to be understood. i still can't figure a better solution other than to communicate and spend more more more time for effective communication.

only this is hard if neither of you speak the same language or share the same goal of wanting to communicate. so i wish for my books to talk to me in a way i can understand! i damn wish for all these authors to just say the same thing :P but now i know how much 'originality in understanding' is worth so here goes me diving with much more enthusiasm into my lists of books and journals and articles to read and jamming all of my understanding into 1500 -understood with citations APA format and of course edited- words with hopes that my 'originality' will do me and all those around me some good if not best.

last but not least..thank you ayong for putting me up as a link and yes *ahem* i do like oysters!!! ;P *droolslurp* and i dig che omniverse. espescially that piece on "how good on jugdements and decisions do we make". with all these tests and conclusions pointing towards progress and deeper understanding into the human psyche, we still firmly believe and go repeat the same mistakes over and over again. i understand the frustration on either fence. the eternal question of to be or NOT to be, as haven't we all been accused of being -insert any negative label here- ever so often. the key is not to lose your marbles and trust in yourself ;)

oh! and i just need to add to this, just think about this...Muhammad Asad author of Islam at Crossroads (pg 92) distinguishes reason and rationalism by saying that, "unlike reason, rationalism does not content itself with registration and control, but jumps into the field of speculation; it is not receptive and detached like pure reason, but extremely subjective and temperamental." i find solace in that and i very often choose to reason than rationalise even at the risk of being labelled as many other than just being reasonable.

otey, so its un-reasonable of me to ask for my books to talk the way i can understand better or just change anything for my own selfish reasons ;P doesn't make sense or not logical right? i'm very sure i'm not the only person who wished to be more understood *yesevenbybooks* but just how did the blind get to read???? just shows but a little amount of effort and a whole lot of love to change the world. a little proding and show of directions is all i ask to understand what makes the world go round. talk to me about the distinct difference and help me apply either to a situation is all it takes to cajol this mule headed me to give it a try. stand by me and not to leave me in the ditches and leave me to die. oh well, let's go beg *buatmukakesian* for others to help me then. i shan't bother those who shan't be bothered and i could't bring myself to bother if you already told me you hate to be bothered, at least i know of One whose always open to being bothered and that's enough for me.

*amygoesinsearchofsomeonewhocouldandwouldmakeherunderstand*

stay sane peeps,
amyemeelea