my catharsis...

Reality started to sink in while we did that goal setting practical for emotion, cognition and motivation class today. Also, the dateline to submit our assignments kept ringing in my ear making it hard to concentrate on everything else. I took a power nap of 5 mins tops before I could focus on the mechanics of goal-setting in the middle of somewhere. Consciousness slowly tried to keep its grip on me while whatever amount of motivation I felt slowly ebbed away as I could feel myself listlessly trying to follow what was being said by mr. Lam. We had to lists our extrinsic and intrinsic to dos and my heart pounded as the words leaped out at me with a huge boo!

Class ended early as I finalised the last of the questions on what exactly motivates a person with a loose strategy somehow reminding me of spaghetti al dente lost deciding between trying to immerse itself in delicious cream sauce or tangy tomato sauce laced with a good dose of Tabasco. I packed and focused on trying to make my way towards mr. Lam crowded by others. Maybe it was my empty stomach I mused as I overheard mr. Lam mentioning my name to another student. Their conversation stopped abruptly when I approached making my entry into their personal space a little too creepy even for me. was it something good or bad that thought flicked away by a casual sweep of my hands to steady my sunglasses resting lopsided on my head.I quickly mentioned I needed time to see him on Thursday to discuss or rather get tips for writing that essay on learning before I start social psychology with ms. Hope. done! And I triumphed at the thought of getting that struck of my list. A hand shot out to reach my shoulder and ms.librarianmar announced that she wanted to hook up on Thursday too but I quickly cut her off saying that I needed the hour fully and hands off my booty! *hehe* I did not detect any hurt feelings there so we filed out of class, a few of us moaned at the thought of having to write and write somemore but soon it will be over and normal life or whatever is left of it can resume after the end of the semester. I needed a fag like i needed a shot of morphine or so I tried to pull myself back with a shot of extremism but I needed to pee even badly. Campy humour didn’t work with no one to share. A whole hour discussing goals! And I can’t dispel the disappointment I felt when the words ran into a blur right before my eyes. Was there a frog hiding in my throat? At least I got ryan and deci’s self determination theory right *haha* seconds after being blasted off for rattling to it as ‘that theory’ earlier on.

A sweet soul offered 2 sticks of pure manna as we sat to round up the night after pee break. Cool! I could already feel my muscles again and before the heat of the lighted second last tip could touch my fingers, it was goodbyes till hello. I speed read angela davis, her autobiography on the way back. the coursing hate she wrote about growing up among fearful aryans fuelled her need to pick up arms. She chose education as weapon and as I speed read through the passages, all I could think of was my bed :P closed the page and I let memory of terror 1 calling me from school this afternoon, she was very proud to report she used part of her pocket money to call me *tugsatheart* and that she was all dirty from doing painting in art class. She had to go before the 3 minutes were up because bibik was already waving her goodbye so before class I called her again this time at home and she continued happy stories about sleepwalking and promised to meet this weekend. It was a hasty call but the sound of her laughter brought the spring back into my steps. Ahhh….the bus jolted to a stop and i was finally home. a quick wash and quickly gobbled microwaved food and then decided that I didn’t want to get even more distracted by the show brothers & sisters on teevee, which I found very amusing, so I switched it off once I stubbed the last of my after dinner stick. Oh well….

Back to the drawing board and tap tap tap I worked on the keyboard. The words references, explain, critical, discuss just didn’t want to get pass introduction so aha! A light bulb flashed and zapped quite a few brain cells into shock when I realised that its only here that I could; to bleed my veins of toxic Monday blues out of my system and damn if I could get any work done tonight!

Sleep tight don’t let the bed bugs bite : )

Stay sane,
Amyemeela

Ps: tomorrow red!! In celebration of the blood moon *aaaaaaauuuUuuuuu*

the blue screen....

Better..i need to write better…

But my mind is blank. Fingers jammed.

Where is maria hertogh now. Google failed me yet again.

I have seen guys with better skills and more feel for color. Much is over-rated. Save for one very talented artfakeme.

National day rally, it will be fun to count the number of friends I have who actually watched. OR cared about what was being said.

I do not think that fashion is only for the rich. So I’ll bloody well buy that trench coat and wear it to work if I want!

All the literature I have is on social politics to get away from schoolwork. I like it better when I can talk and discuss about it BUT who wants to for fear of the ISA or ISD. Whatever! Anything! I love that ad on teevee *heheheh*

I can’t show YOU my true feelings and you know why. I’m such a bitch that’s why.

H.P Lovecraft sounds interesting.

I need to renew my premium membership at the library. 4 books to go really sucksssssssssssss.

I am so bored I can eat my shoe.

Lunar eclipse tomorrow! Blood moon…somehow the one person I would love to share my enthusiasm with doesn’t think it’s a big deal at all *bahhh!* go go go biksetan! Makes me think if these peeps have any sense of fun at all!! *go look for fake fangs*

My ciggs ration is running low. Please donate generously...

passion is now froot-tea?!

Not that I hate weddings but I overdosed on the many updates on multiply. I’d rather go to a real one. Invites puhlease!!! Maybe like powwster said, da hilang steam ah *phoooot* it’s like a really weak fart that doesn’t give you any satisfaction.

Writers block. I really think I have writer’s block.

Why didn’t odex run after the people who ran the sites to download from instead chased after the end users? You mean like what they did to napster?? Because the ones that run these websites are based overseas? Not traceable so they fine the end users using the same universal principle which is to teach by example. Err… so others will think twice about illegal downloading. But that’s what I think; you can go ask someone you TRUST for answers that would satisfy you. boy am I so glad I am not a singnet user. U go pacnet!!! *nods at wombat for the irony* ;)

“Kak miiiiiii~~~~~ no more youtube!” heart my shikino for the gentle nudges. For I need to finish my assignments!

“Figaro! FigarooooooOooo! Figaro..figaro!!” *chuckles* a big hug for bobby for making fun of my mood music and making me feel lighthearted. Suddenly the mountain of school work feels lighter.

*focus on happy tots happy happy tots happy happy tots happy tots happy happy tots*

stay sane,
amyemeelea

!! I do not understand what you are saying at all !!

Articulate is not a vegetable....

"As is all that stirs our soul, mine I stoke with my pointy thrusting curiosity. It is rare do I find another's as lucious as the sown fruits they speak of those grown on the tree of paradose, but when I spy one, this self sidles up nochalantly and gaze upon your subtle reflections. The slow stir begets a quick strike. The sting of my curiosity tears the hymen of your soul, to mark you forever with the stain of your blood on the tip of my hardened shaft. Our lips unlock, your eyes open in shock at the sweet obscenities while I langourly revel in the nakedness of your form. No passionate lovemaking should be bare in silence! Higher and deeper ring the octaves, we want to drown the deafening inane idle chatter. In full bloom kaledescopic color each our heady orgasms unfolds, the waves each taste of heaven. The is air heavy and humid as we both float above unbearably light cojoined, simply two beings caught in the act of ripe pickings. Our bodies bear witness in quiet harmony as the winds of fate blow gentle lullabies of farce realities below. Whispers of wonder and shyly bowing to amazement; we found each our truths. While the rest of the world grows weary of endless trysts, smilling we let them blissfully rest in ignorant satiety."

Artichoke is a vegetable.....

"I repeat...one is a word and the other is a vegetable that is also considered a sensuous vegetable."

*sniff* in point form it will go like this * courtesy of merriam websters online* emphasis all mine.

word 1 ) ar-ti-cu-late

1 a : divided into syllables or words meaningfully arranged : INTELLIGIBLE b : able to speak c : expressing oneself readily, clearly, or effectively ; also : expressed in this manner 2 a : consisting of segments united by joints : JOINTED b : distinctly marked off

and then we have *ahemsssssss*

word 2) ar-ti-choke

1 : a tall Mediterranean composite herb (Cynara scolymus) resembling a thistle with coarse pinnately incised leaves; also : its edible immature flower head which is cooked as a vegetable2 : JERUSALEM ARTICHOKE

so i'd rather be not understood then be a vegetable comprehende? pahe? tak pahe?!!! tak pahe tido! *understand? no understand? go sleep!* or have i just wasted your time? *glares* because I am AGAIN being long winded and could never keep it simple? What?! Pardon me, it is too difficult to understand? You couldn't make any meaning of it? *prfft*

What comes to mind is the irrepressable Oscar Wilde who said, 'It is what you read when you don't have to that determines what you will be when you can't help it.' I will not stop you if you prefer to 'read' others more coherent and those who can keep it simple for you to understand.

Stay sane,
amyemeelea

After a long hiatus..

Work at the new office is slow as compared to the last but not less scary. The guys warm up pretty good after a week ;) except for Ms. DA-accountant. Office is very DA open with everyone looking into my 15” LCD screen and no matter how I shifted the screen, its still visible dar! As wombatman remarked after I sent them a pic of the new office, “open is an understatement…” err….yes….my mouth was open *hehe* Am trying to be as low key as possible and lurk under the radar but that’s always hard to do being moi :P so, this ms. DA-accountant has been giving me the attitude but I’m just keeping it cool. She gives me orders and expects me to fulfill them without giving me guidelines or take into consideration that I am new to her environment. She evens end marks her requests with a glare that looks like, “you just do as I say and you’d be fine. Don’t ask too may questions or else!” *ho-hum* I just and have never clicked well to those of the i-feel-inferor-i-need-to-talk-you-down-types. Which reminds me; I haven’t changed a bit as I’m still as fiery as ever but experience has taught me not to try fight on every front – just pick those worth fighting for. So I avoid ‘un-winnable’ battles, still for fun (with those who can appreciate it) I still do as a form of sparring. And everything I do, I do it with love *saaaap* Says much about my submissive attitude :) *to me, I still win nyah nyah nyah* too cool to care :D

Reminds me of an incident about managing my own expectations…..

The birthday girl refused to mingle with her party guests and I nagged and told her that I expect her to bear with it and to please leave her presents and come into the living room. I must have looked to her just like ms.DA-accountant is to me right now *maybe* She threw me such a mighty blow of attitude by brushing me off and had the cheek to sulk away. Who likes to be commented on in public so I took her away to the park to have a heart to heart talk. I asked why she was being how she is and she said, “Why did you scold me? Why must I always do what you say?" And I replied, “If you don’t want me to care or have expectations of you…its fine by me. You can do and think of whatever; and act on anything whenever and it’ll be okay for me. I’ll still love you as you are.” I painfully *with halted tears* explained to her why I insist on my ways is because i have expectations. It could be according to situations sometimes I might be jealous, it could be for selfish reasons and of course I’d always be questioning her every move and eventually we’ll have those spot on arguments because of my expectations. It is with that very reason that I care and i warned that my expectations could even rival those of famous lovers!…..only because I do love her and care. She sulked and refused to speak to me so we sat on that park bench till I made the decision for her and said from her actions, I think she’d be happier I didn’t have any expectations from her. I was crestfallen but I’d try anything to work things ‘our way’. And to prove it, I smiled and wiped those tears away from my eyes, picked up the cheeriness in my voice and told her to let’s walk back home. She doesn’t have to do what I tell her to do and I try my damnest not to even scold her for anything. IF that is what she wants. Or she could put up with my bluntness and oft-handed comments on my expectations as to how she should behave, think and feel because this relationship is going long term. Better set the perimeters down now before something bigger than either of us crops up.

It then rained and I took off my sweater to cover her pretty little head and I think that, that did it for her. Glad to report my 7 year old was smart *ENOUGH* and showed how much maturity she had by picking the other and said, “I want you to scold me mama. I don’t want you not to care.”

Wouldn’t a relationship without expectations be riddled with many doubts? Does she love me or not? Does she even care or not? But if that is so how you want it, I’d gladly oblige as who am I to say your point of view is anymore less right than mine :) why should such a small imperfection be the wedge of tension between us when its much better for the whole good that we try to accommodate and work out our differences *touché* I just ‘prefer’ a relationship with expectations as markers to guide us together and reach for the highest top of infinity together, rather than walk the plains of a soulless plateau to find out that its vastness will finally reach an end and then what’s left? Another oasis? Multiple orgasms are always better than phantamogarsmic ones init? >)

So thank you for appreciating my expectations for those who have, I will try to limit them to achievable ones and we’ll match it to your capabilities *its’ only right* and we’ll learn of each our limits together yes? All the while we shall have fun with stretching the short and long ends of our goals *claps hands* Back to now, so maybe this ms.DA-accountant is also setting her expectations of me as a new colleague? *heheheh* but I doubt so lar…people who have much fear face you with ultimatums. They give you no leeway for mistakes and have no room for discussions because they have stunted their own growth. They don’t like feedback either because it makes them seem weak rather than compassionate. So pay head peeps, the next time you have expectations from another, pay attention to exactly what you want and how you ask for it.

When someone tells you they are fine with NO EXPECTATIONS in your relationship, it could well be the sword that rips you in half. Or maybe not ;) it could just be that they are self flagellators! They have no expectations from you but only on themselves, the sight of their bloody pulp of a beaten heart at every not met request is proof of their love of you…….*gah!!!* and then they die a slow painful death smiling and what do you have left? If not just blood on your hands too.

I would really like to indulge in much more forlorn images of loneliness and isolation but life is already as drabby as it is so I’ll hold it in for those who matter :P

“To believe is to know you believe, and to know you believe is not to believe.” Jean Paul Sartre.

Stay sane peeps!!!
Amyemeelea