The will of intent...

Bummer. The doc gave me lousy cough syrup and flu meds that don’t cause drowsiness and that's why I’m typing this entry. Been busy a wee bit adjusting (a blast at work) my hours and stuff to learn (all new) while welcoming ramadhan. Even though, I’ve been on ‘off’ for a few days now ;p so it hasn’t been tough or bad. Just extremely floozy with the flu virus that had gone amok. not to forget the dreaded cramps *oooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwww*

The weather hasn’t helped alternating between hot humid days with deep chilly points throughout the weeks before. I’ve been caught in the rain a few times already on the way to and from home. the umbrella i have stashed in my bag doesn't get enough exposure because as always, i'm just too lazy. Since then, I haven’t been out much too. No soccer but thank you for the invites!!! And a few house viewings here and there with loads of chilling in bed under covers make up my days.

of course, I finally met the terrors this weekend and sent a few regrets to some. Che. Swede has touched down singy and owe him a go-see. mr.hiphopcina just asked me out and my watch and ring is with him *bleargh* i told him next change lar, plus the fact I still have his book read halfway. Not to forget,i added a hint to note that I’m really the GOOD gal this fasting month :p Lately I prefer empod for morning stimulation on the bus as opposed to reading. Also because I bought ungu’s latest cd titled ‘penguasa hati’. Roughly ‘ruler of my heart’. the risk for missing bus stop is ona high though. Che. Quetee is also in town after that long break and couldn’t poke him through facebook anymore. Maybe he got pissed I ‘unfriended’ him but seriously....I would really prefer to get to know him in person.

yes, certain things were NOT supposed to happen our last night together but it did. its also more urgent i see quetee soon (not because of guilt heh.) but more for my precioussssssssssssss, sucha precioussssssssss lighter bought last in Australia is with him! earlier, i sent him an SOS email via work :p to remind him I need (YES! NEED!!) it back because it is so the very precioussssssssssssssssss.

Of course, his book is with me too *haha* the one about slash. Did he read mr. Kundera? I doubt so but maybe that the reason he’s been cold? My choice of book was probably TOTALLY way off from cool factor? *sigh* where have all the reading men go? Reminding myself to get him that not-so latest book by Stig Larsson called ‘the girl with the dragon tattoo’. Apparently now it’s on the screens! and he did mention its something he has an eye for. So anyway, apology sent :) let’s hope he doesn’t bear a grudge.

On the home front, or rather the only front that truly matters is that I haven’t found a place yet to call my own. The terrors are relived that I got the job here instead of anywhere else. But I told them that things can still change.
Just not...the will of my intent/s:-

1. No more talking about YOG or things related to politics lest I scare men away (plus girls)
2. Get a place to accommodate cheap day & stay ins with the terrors. Minimum decorum plus a kitchen for cook outs will be best. Bonus = pool!
3. Clear the junk at the office and be more meticulous, maybe try to rope in che. Caddie as mentor. He’s the only one i got. The other has already quit me a long time ago *gulps*
4. Confirm a maybe for ‘methods of ifhtar’ this 28th. The chance for qiamullail shines bright and WISH my will to be brave and make it a reality *amin* aiming for at least the last days to home-lasting-run. Bent on intent to lead to purification. Mind, body & soul.
5. R-a-t-I-o-n *muahahahahaah* and of course Rationalise and ultimately determined execution. done flawlessly undertaken faithfully till end *kapish*
6. Repeat all of the above and not rest till no. 2 is fulfilled as closest as I can will it to be.

....but the rest just might have a go at being first achieved ;)

Orh!! i couldn't forget too!!!!!!!!!!!

7. Must. MUST at all costs respect boundaries of lelabikasos. Plot summary sumer da tahu tinggal hari sexecutionnnnyer sahajer. PRAY I get it off in mirthful pain just like the feel of a good quick swipe of sticky bandaid. adventure beckons as yours look set to full sail ahead so is my mast stiff; ready for the onslaught of stormy skies ahead to my kismet :D

End of post.

But before I go, I need to ask you something. Personally I have gay/lesbian friends and I respect them for and as the individuals they are. Yet, I do not agree with the idea of a gay culture with rights. For a simple reason IF gay values are upheld, how are we to pro-create? Seriously, if everyone decides to go GAY, then are you suggesting we evolve to be hermaphrodite? Just like snails???? so what does that make me? your enemy??

So I have been confused before and YOU said it yourself. you are CONFUSED so yeah I hope you snap out of it and even when you don’t at least I have made my peace with you over minor contentions in beliefs. I could condone the deplorable only because I am too prone to such fall from grace but do let me get a grip on mine without upsetting you. i wasn't and will not force anyone out of their own will.

What about infidelity too? When so many of us are susceptible to be devil’s advocates ourselves? I say, be true to who, what, why you are and stay sane. Life is too short to fuss over details. Yet.............

Sometimes, it’s the arduous task of being virtuous that keeps our desires in check *batok* self censorship is needed I guess to be able to keep incognito amongst the so many self-righteous *puke* using the time to prepare on change. With an assertive yet gentle approach another might be charmed into sharing the same beliefs that I do. anywho, wasn't it you who proposed the ideas?

we can't know who is to say who is neither right nor wrong. The voice of interpretation comes from sincerity and should not be condemning. So? As the merry-go-round of recent muck in my head MUST end...I am truly sorry if I don’t BLINDLY jump-up-in agLEEment with your stand; know that trust comes in time. I’ve withdrawn from foolish my-say-last words combats as those flames take long to heal. Instead you’d find me exclusively silent.

My worst fear far from always being misunderstood is the truth that I cannot stay to be an island *ugh* ALONE??!! So my offering of quiet understanding should be a fair exchange in times of mutual harmony kan kan kan? For didn’t I mention....I will the intention to have future with you.

*kenoneng*

Stay sane,
j.amyemeelea

Ps: small word after all moments is to know minahkumari el sitikus is engaged to che. matdonna!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *GASPPPPPPPPP* and that m/m okachongs are cousins to im and erna *lololol* otey..now tido.