hard decisions

you asked me if i have given up. why don't i fight hard enough. how could i not want to push a little harder for your sakes. will it be difficult to stop smoking, cover up and basically do everything you say.

YOU SAY!
YOU SAY!!!
YOU ALL SAY!!!

i must do this, that and a whole thousand little must must musttttttttttttttttttt to prove that i care. i love you. i really do.

sacrifice. do it for us! US! US!!!

it got very emotional for me. even though its really nothing new. i have these face offs with your dad and your stepmom and the rest of the world out there for yonks = close to 8 years in fact. it shouldn't have been too difficult for me to laugh it off. scoff at the stories and flip them away as sillyspeak and then skip alongside with you to dinner.

why?

because it still hurts.

why?

am i not human?

ultimately..it just crossed my mind.

i am your MOTHER!!!

you know it, they know and i can definitely confirm that fact but....WHY?! WHYYYY?!!! must they keep you away from me unless i do as YOU SAY. THEY SAY.

its not so much the you says that blows my short fuse but its the : WE say because THEY told us to say that i cannot..simply cannot tolerate anymore.

so there.

i'm going to take my time again with this issue but am going to give it till end of this year. i will do what i need to do and can do for you with NO ONE to TELL me what to do.

not even you terrors.

this is hard and i cannot even fathom how i am going to do it. everything i did, i had to do was for the 3 of you. as the 3 of you have been my meaning to life, my sanity. but i guess...i'll be alright. mama will always be steady.

how did i get this numb?

j.amyemeelea