pity is as pity does..

damien rice does a mean cover of the song creep by radiohead and i'm in the mood. melancholy slips and under its heaviness i seek for the tiniest bit of warmth. ah well..

i had a conversation yesterday and somehow and somewhere goondu me got struck by a sense of vulnerabilty. you know how convos flow and one thing leads to another and then you kinda open up. aha! i thought...emancipation! release!!! *gulps* i swallowed my pride and in that moment opened that part of myself that i've kept so well hidden by my machoness. yeah~...why oh why do we feel strong by putting up that cold cold exterior of toughness? so hell lar! i beat my ego to a pulp and out gushed a question of self value. i needed external validation and so i seeked NOT caring to see what's truly in front of me. you could say i was lulled by a false sense of security. wanting this person to save you.

and in reaching out....instead of empathy, sympathy or compassion as i had expected. YES! i felt owed by my generosity to share my fear and was expecting all of the above when the life out of me got slimed instead by pity. i was dumbstruck. i fell into shock. it felt like a tingle for a second and then the slime of it all suffocated all the breath out of me and i...i...i went NINJA. i went poof! i went OFFLINE *gagggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg*

i stared at the screen in front of me and i felt totally alone. the sense of betrayal made me out like somekind of a weirdo. without my armour of condesendance i was totally whacked out of rationality. there i was telling this person how dejected and lonely i felt. and he fucked me with "there..there person. don't worry God will help you. i was once like you." and what the hell was that suppose to mean??! *prfffffffft* so you know what i did?

i cried like a pussy.

:p

i believed my sudden dissapearence kinda made him think about what he said in reply. he reached out and guessed correctly that i was offended. TO HELL i was! but you know what? the tears cleared the slime away. i mean...he didn't intentionally mean anything bad. he was just being him. so i texted him and told him to forget it *gritteeth* i'm being a prick and it wasn't anything he said. i understand where he was coming from and GO BE HAPPY. i'm cool with it. i figured that he was trying to 'put himself' in my shoes and make me feel better by telling me to look at how well he turned out. isn't that what he was trying to do? >)share his success story a bit?

*puke*

i pulled up the covers and breathed in deep. switched on to youtube and yeah he succeeded to convince me to go back online. i shouldn't really succumb could i? to such mild ignorance? turn the other cheek i told myself. he's simple-minded and that's exactly what he expects if EVER he threw open his vulnerability open! i should have considered the facts about him waaaaaaaaaaay before opening my wounds to him like that. like fcuk me lar! so silly kan? by accepting that it's my fault to even begin with and promising myself that NO MORE fcuks ups this time or any other time, i managed to feel human again.

i shall give him credit lar for making the efforts to cover his tracks afterwards. we steered away from the emo crap whereby then i was already on my own cbt highway. yessiree...its okay to accept pity. its OKAY to be pitied because the danger is not in the pitied but in the PITIER.

Aristotle described pity in his Rhetoric: "Let pity, then, be a kind of pain in the case of an apparent destructive or painful harm of one not deserving to encounter it, which one might expect oneself, or one of one's own, to suffer, and this when it seems near". basically Aristotle said when people pity their acquaintance, taking into account that when one pities another, they are not close as in kinship. they need to be out the outside and know that its NOT them whose experiencing the tragedy. which is why pity is different of from empathy, sympathy and even compassion. David Hume observed that pity which has in it a strong mixture of good-will, is nearly allied to contempt, which is a species of dislike, with a mixture of pride. It is an emotion that almost always results from an encounter with a real or perceived unfortunate, injured, or pathetic creature.A person experiencing pity will experience a combination of intense sorrow and mercy for the person or creature, often giving the pitied some kind of aid, physical help, and/or financial assistance.

so you know..it works out at the end of the day. once the pitied understands how psychologically harmful this is, one can act with Nietzsche pointers and turn the tables on the pitier. in an act of defense! deal with the imbalanced powerplay and rip the negativity away. before...it turns extremely negative BUT well....what is done cannot be undone. one could choose to be ambivalent as i have in hopes to turn mystic *hurhurhur*

**above in some parts flinched in TOTAL from wikipedia ah. distracted from schoolwork! but yeah...GO-blog works as a purge-hellhole.

okay otak penat, hati pun macam bengkak-bengkak siots!

stay sane,

j.amyemeelea

ps: yer sayer emosik! da tua ah... :)