saved!!

my hair was like falling out in clumps till sis saved me with an online database address to go dig for my research stuff for school *yeay!!* then my brain kinda went to blue screen hehe :P

P-R-O-C-A-S-T-I-N-A-T-I-O-N

is a bad bad BAD word :D

stay sane and super ons!!!
amyemeelea needs energizer batts to be shoved up my arse *hic*

crazy..

i got back at 6pm and left the rest of the guys to finish up whatever was needed at the office. i had an important errand to run, a message to send and i just don't know what to expect. nevertheless, i just did what my heart told me to do and time!....got back close to 9pm. one of the girls is coming in morning tomorrow and i'm stuck with the 11 am shift. i actually have class but she needed the morning shift more than i do so i lied and said it's okay to change :) i hope things work out for ms villy kong hehe...

"a fleeting smile disarmed me and i turned my eyes away so as not to fall further down its abyss of soulful yearning. the steps i took burnt marks into the concrete floor as i try with all my might to walk away. within minutes my heart stop beating and with just a hello you started it alive with desperate longing; as i try to mask my hidden sorrow. still it was that fleeting smile i will choose to remember the rest let mere presence swallow...."

OOppps...terbabas gua!! it's desperate housewives nite and i keep clenching and grinding my teeth. maybe i'd take the time to look for that biting cat again and give it a tight smack for biting me last night hehehe...darn this nagging feelings of unease!!!

stay sane,
amyemeelea tak centre skit nari..*skitjermaybecosi'mHUNGRYah!*

a moment...

Blackrose

Penantian

Dikamar ku menyepi
Hanya lilin menerangi
Beginikah seksanya
Hidup dalam penantian
Ditabir tirai malam
Ada insan kesepian, keseorangan...

Dan setiap detik yang ku lalui
Seluruh malam ku membisu
Tetap setia menantimu
Bayanganmu entah di mana

Mengapa harus kita ditemukan
Di saat jiwaku keresahan
Apakah aku satu persinggahan
Mengubat rindu... oh...

Kau dahagakan...
Ku kehausan...
Setitis rasa
Pada bayangan yang tak pasti... oh...

Kau nyalakan perasaan
Mengukir kemesraan
Mungkinkah ada sinar
Bersama impianku

Dah telah ku duga
Suasana keindahan seketika
Aku tetap menanti mu

Kau dahagakan...
Ku kehausan...
Setitik rasa... oh...
Aku tenggelam...
Kehampaan...
Keseorangan...

Mana sinaran ?...
Terangilah hidupku
Tak sanggup lagi... aku... sepi...

before anybody calls me a minah jiwangs *hehe* this song is specially dedicated to my fave bud che jihn :) who is going coming back to singy for just awhile and be a totally changed man!!!! for some who know... this song was banned a while back because it was said that the song was about the person pining for drugs..i went like wahhhh????! but yes naybe it has i-am-having-craves-for-dotdotdot but so what?!! it's a nice song and i guy sang it so beautifully hauntingly rockish mentel. so they did the ineveitable which was to change the liriks of the song. it sounded awful of course! and me being not so musically inclined except for live music didn't get to hear the original song for years!! i lost my tape and then tape went out of fashion and of course my walkamn from school was lost? damaged? i think it was lost :P THEN!!!! when jihn was in singy; while in the car, the radio played the song and hell yeah! we both burst out in song ehehehe it was a pure moment and please send my bestest regards to you know who ;) see you soon on the fateful day! tak tak...gua janji tak bukak silat hehe...won't want you guys to fall flat on your face laughing ;P

so i updated my bro and sis in law on my week and had a few laughs. have a few invitations next week cos the mosaic festival is on right now. maybe hop into my bud's new *okaynotsonew* swanky car for a spin and catch up. and i promised che tom to lepak at his cafe which he's turning into a cinema! it's called kaki 5 over at jalan sultan, pretty funky if you like a whiff of urba-serba-funky-new-malay-underground-culture-in-singy *muehehehehe* type of cafe cum gallery now a cinema! must bring the gals out to paint the town red and loads of spring cleaning to be done in room! check out chinois with poww and harry soon. run my blaaardy errands and must must see the 3 terros soon and catch up wih my elder bro in tampines.....and of course...complete my assignment ;)*phew*

ok go!

stay sane,
amyemeelea just had kofi :D

frager?!!!!

i had a great night and thanks to prince harry and ms powwsters *peloktakmolepas* an intresting day ended intrestingly well. a breath of fresh air always does one good and i have very good friends around me ;) *mushymushy* out on a saturday night wearing my fave leather jaket hehe and just about talked about everything. i just hope poww and harry didn't go deaf just sitting with me cos i can be very loud :P

i learnt some new german words and what stuck most was the word 'fra-ger' meaning 'question' in german and it was funny how we all conversed in a smattering of germang haha!! both of em are the funkiest couple and tonight all the more i wished them both the very best in life. you can't know how tonight was important to me :) i was carrying aheavy load today but they took the time to include me and un-loaded my migraine away *yeay!*

i missed my bus! cos i waited on the wrong side of the road *duh* i took the bus to save a bit ah...nasib baik ada this weekend nightrider bus thingy kalau tidak gua starded siak! and dozed off in bus till i reached home. walked a bit and decided to log on and blog a bit to chip of this euphoria so that i can go to sleep. think a bit about the good news *andbad!!* we shared and smile at the memories of a night well spent shared by my fave *verysane* couple of the moment *yesiamgushing*

soooooo.....here's to both of you ;) for making me feel 'alive'....

"the porter runs to the heavy load and takes it from others,
knowing burdens are the foundations of ease
and bitter things the forerunners of pleasure.
See the porters struggle over the load!
It's the way of those who see the truth of things."
- Rumi, Mathnawi, II 1834-36

stay sane and always happy,
amyemeelea

musings..

andaian....

"keikhlasan ku disoal, apabila dituntut
erti keikhlasan itu tidak harus dipersoalkan.
kemahuan ku ditolak, atas dasar aku tidak mengerti.
tiap tomahan dan cemuhan kusama ertikan dengan luahan cinta.
pergertian saksama yang diburu digelapkan oleh kecelaru pemikiran.
perbezaan zahir dan kelemahan batin menjadi batu penghalang.
perjalanan ku terhenti....
tersentak lamunan cinta asyik syahdu romantis.
diriku keliru dan jasad ku lengguh ditimpa badai tak sudah.
namun perjalanan menuju ke SATU tidak akan ku hentikan.
andaian kekasih sejati kujadikan senjata srikandi.
yang menjadikan cita-cita yang diburu bukan setakat impian tapi
perjuangan yang suci
lagi kudus....."

the kids in a controlled enviroment of course! if not i shudder to think what could have happened to the walls, the floor and to everything :P they have this habit *whichicultivatedahems* of drawing on the walls except for terror number 3 cos she's too young to remember but we used to have a special wall to draw on! they *andme* are allowed to draw, color and scribble and do anything to that wall and i'd just keep it that way. it is suppose to deter them *andmehehe* to draw on any other walls and things in the rest of the house!

well.....we'll have another wall soon :) and in the meantime, paper would do. any kind of paper of course! :D i know it must sound terrible to number them in such a way but i have to tell you that it stopped them from fighting over the phone and almost *ALMOST* just about everything else. i used to have this problem of them fighting over the phone when i call but the numbering system worked! now they take turns according to the 'number system' and i get to talk to ALL three of them *yeay!!!clapshands* in order plak tue :P but i always remind them that i love all the same and not more or less. only yes...the love just grows as love does grow over time...

stay sane,
amyemeelea

the three terrors...

pics say a thousand words :)

stay sane and happy,
amyemeelea

the four f's...

stands for, fornication, fight, flight and freeze.

its the very basic workings of the the amygdala. no not the star wars queen but the part of our brain. i wonder why she was named for the very part that is said to be "the seat of our passions" or rather more precisely the seat of our fear. i went for class today and that was what stuck in my mind for the rest of the time i left class.

i'm taking module AP105- Emotional motivation and Intelligence :D and as it always has been, class was an experience in itself. i missed last week's class and it's nice to know my coursemates actually missed me haha! i didn't get a new lecturer as i had hoped but it was mr chee kum again. he's okay but can get very dry and technical *hrrrmpf* but for one thing, hes very passionate about teaching and is very serious about the comments that he get in class. he tries to accomodate by bringing in new material and tries to relate to the young and old in the class by using varied terms to explain the technical and scientific terms we learn in class. today he used the word horny *hurrah!!!* but stopped when i made a snide remark about it hehehe...we were talking about how in the 60's it was believed that women do not reach orgasm hah! but later studies have shown *ofcourse!* that women do reach orgasm such as men do but in very different ways.

which is why i prefer mr naidu to teach because he hates to speak about what was researched way back in the 60's! they have no blaardy business in the present, the now :) but in the academic world i guess it is still very much necessary to learn how things and theories HAVE evolved. very much like how life in general is. we hate to make past mistakes but many have forgotten that its the process that really matters. in the now times that everything has to be rushed, i find people aroud me less tolerant and less patient about changing and adapting. we have lost the sense of achievement that comes with a work well done and for different people the learning curve truly varies *weknowthatbutestillchoosetodisbelieve* i hate all the rush but reality is as such that i say potato and you say potata :P

after about a month in my permanent *hopes* department i took my very first mc today. i just can't take the stress and long working hours. i have been neglecting my health, my spirit and those close to me. just feeling off balance and the much needed rest was very welcome. i set my mind yet again to the routine i had set much earlier before which was to maximise my resources to its fullest and again am more aware of my strengths and weaknesses. i don't care how many times i fail and i don't care if it seems to be fruitless to some when significant and fixed changes have yet manifested themselves in my course of trying. it does get to me these negative feedback but He knows best and of course those closest to me.

"Human mental processes are surely among the most important and most difficult to deal with" - Psychology of Intelligence Analysis, Richard J. Heuer, Jr. and that's the challenge for me today!!!!! just need to first reduce the tension i am now feeling. so now i know more about what exactly that goes around in our mind among our kind *hehe* so it'll be much easier to 'understand' and go with the flow when i'm so set in my thinking and ways from before. and yeah....it'll be intresting to see how i can apply what i have learnt in class to work for me in real life. even if it takes the topic of sex to awake me from my slumber hehehehehe...

stay sane and in good spirits,
amyemeela

i'm backkkk!!!!!

I just deleted a long long long entry rambling and grumbling when I stopped and deleted everything. Simple with just a click and then its all gone! Wouldn’t I be great to erase things just as easy as that :D

I am not going to edit this entry at all just to see if I could spot some Freudian slips of mine along the way hehe and try not to censor myself along the way. I just spotted one above and I’m going to let it be.

So what did I do these past few weeks? I managed to finish one assignement on time and the other *tootteetteettoot* along athe way. I I emant that. I just don’t know what happened to the other one. Everyone who cared asked if I handed in my assignments and I said yes to all :P I attended the hotel’s dinner and dance as a bear last Thursday and won a huge ang pow. Won’t say how much it was but have already spent it all on verybody else except myself ;) I have finally decided that it’s okay for me to look for another job if I don’t find the current one suitable for me *thankyoupoww* and I am convinced now that my sympathies for the opposition party in Singapore will only have me looked upon as just another rebel without a cause *yeah!!!rockon!* again I learnt to opposites do attract but all for the wrong reasons and that I’d always be a stubborn mule when I can’t bring myself to agree with another’s point of view or sets of beliefs.

I still belive in the freedom of the press and that it should be upheld at all costs. Because to me freedom of press means living without fear and when one lives without fear only then can one be faced with situations and challenges to change oneself from within. I’m not saying we all should not live in fear totally but isn’t fear the very thing that stops us from moving forward and experiencing the good the bad the ugly? Should life just be happy, peaceful and in harmony? Was it meant to be without strife and adversity? I think there’s a lot more issues at hand that needs to be tackled,.immediate issues very close at home, at heart that needs our attention. Bigger pictures gives us the wide screen view of things but if you look closely, and that’s how you should look…..very closely and that is when you can see what needs to be done and how it needs to be done. No point looking at the bigger picture and missing the finer things in between or one can’t be anal retentive and micro manage everything. I just think that I should conventrate on what I do best nad try to do other aspirational, inspirational things at least once. Who knows you might like it and decide to pursue and keep it as a constant.

Who knows what is good or bad for us anymore. For some freedom means one but to another a totally different thing altogether. The most most important is not to,lose its ‘essence’ and efforts must be made to keep it pure. Whether its freedom of the press or maybe it was just seeking out the truth. Fair is fair and I think everyone should take it as their own responsibility to practice what they preach and earn their keep. Its just very sad that some had to die and others ostracised. But fear not……..evil begets evil and good will triumph. Law of the universe transcends mere idolatry laws of men and I have faith that nothing that has transpired has gone to waste.

Some may fear lipas and some may fear cicaks but I fear I’d fail to hear the alarm go off tomorrow if I don’t get some shuteye. Some fears are irrational and many totally makes sense!!! But just how many will overcome and prevail AT least the selfless ones :)

stay sane and not sleepy :P
amyemelea

meanings..

for those who have tried to get to me via handphone and found that my line is on a holiday, my sincerest apologies. like a very good friend of mine said, no news is good news unless of course its just sad news from a third party kinda of news, i'm just saying that i'm fine. everything is a-okay and i'm riding as ususal. once the line is up and as most are familair with my riding it just goes to say, "gua biasa ah, sekejap timbul lain kali nyer tenggelam."
i'd be doing my usual rounds of catching up soon enough.

solipism - latin ipse = self and solus = alone

1. nothing exists
2. even if someting exists, nothing can be known about it and
3. even if something could be known about it, knowledge about it can't be communicated to others

solipism claims that the universe exists entirely in one's own mind.

reads familiar right? poww and myce, the date for the 9th or was it 10th? :P is still on. i will be calling you soon about it. and i think my dinner and dance is going to be on the 9th so let me get my diary straighten out. to the cellaraid gang (hahahahah!!! means u nanin ;)) i still owe u a graduate's celebration and of course the usual let's laugh and go about being aka 14 years old again :D soon!! you have my baju kurung lar dey!

to ms. vilevilly who can't speak proper english even if its forced up her arse. please watch out as i don't care if they call you 'gangster batu pahat', i'd just swat you the same *withthevilestofinsults* the minute my feelings of 'understanding' erodes. everyday being at work with you is mental torture and its the law of the universe to reap what you sow so i'm just going to be patient and look on. if you ever so much step a milimetre of my non existant tail >) you're gonna get a shitload of abuse. i don't think you ever heard of machikvilliean tactics kan kan kan?! *hehehehe*

selamat tahun baru sumer!

stay sane,
amyemeelea

:(

i need to work on my already overdued by 16mins assignment and my body itches all over ni. after this i'm going to take a shower to freshen up and another cup of coffee. i saw a GUY along orchard road today giving/offering tarot readings and i asked if he is going to be there tomorrow. intresting that a guy would want to set up a table just like that right in front of wisma!

i was at the library cramming for my assignment and did you know that the whole 5th floor of taka is now this mega floor of art and craft to buy stuff. i mean art friend was smack right there! it was like being in a mini high class bras basah lerrrr!!! my hands kinda twitched nervously to get everything on the shelves. there were paints *oilwateracryllic*, multicolored threads cap \DMX/ of course and paper twilling!!! it was MY PARADISE siak! i had to fold my arms across my chest :P course its cold ar >) and did a whole tour till it was time to close :(

but tis okay! i plan to go back very, very soon to get my hands on something and will the time away, force myself to relax. i had thought of painting again but couldn't decide on which medium and of course the other craft materials strewn around made me hyperventilate hehe so i think i'd start with crocheting or something you know. that i could literally stuff it into my bag and lug around.

then, i said to myself, tak macho siak bikin crochet or knitting hehe....takper ah at least bley play pretend its rockmanja :D

stay sane,
amyemeelea

sometimes ah...

like i read in a book somewhere, we only really understand ourselves through metaphors. you turn here you turn there and someone can come up with a split second metaphor, borrowed or of their own in a spilt second! amazing kan!!

like today i found myself caught up in my own anger that oozed out of my every pore like sick yellow pus. it threatened to choke as i willed it to drown the very person who made me feel so angry!! but as i am the cool babe :P the thoughts lay dormant and i managed to instead swim in the headiness of nicotine induced euphoria albeit just momentarily. my manager aka my godmummy aka 'the' person who has been getting on my very nerves of late finally pulled me aside today to 'talk'.

i think she knew that a little bit more and i would completely switch off and thats going to be the end of what we have painstakingly built these past 10 or so years together. i do understand that she doesn't want to be said as someone who practices favouritism. i mean genreally the -isms of the world are looked upon as bad or undesirable. so i said i understand totally where she was coming from and i have nothing against her. but only because i did make her out as a total biatch at work today :D but hey!! it was only because of her own doing and i merely reiterated what she stood for wot. which is "you! monkey see monkey do ok!" to which i said, "you! no good monkey so i don't want to follow ok! me new and improved monkey." *hehe*

but all the "i have very high expectations of you" in the world could not ease that part of me that painstakingly swallowed the pain of jealousy that raged when i heard another called her "mummy". no one has ever been given that so called priviledge to call her that cept for me and the rest of the guys actually called her other than "mummy" when i'm around for fear of me going berserk. such is HISTORY and even the oldest history could be changed with a sleight of the hand, as part of mine did today :)

stay sane,
amyemeelea

letting off steam...

i would have thought that the new job should have been easy peasy for me but it seems like the minutes feels like hours over time and even longer when its work, work, work and MORE work. its really not so bad because it is ALL just work afterall. we all have lives after work!! we should and those workaholics....pleaseeeeeeeee GO GET A LIFE.

i have this slight problem with a few of the guys at work whom are such workaholics that they are making the rest of us look very very bad. worst still, i make more mistakes when i don't concentrate enough or just plain bored and unhappy so these past few days have been such crap. i can't sing, joke or talk *i'mtooloud* and everything i say and do is being criticised and its sucky!!!!! or maybe i've always taken critisms a little more staright to the heart with the people whom i'm trying to get close to. a little more frustrated when my other efforts are to be made a LOT less than i had intended them to be. i just want to learn, hence the stupid questions and i just want us to lighten up a little hence the little crappy jokes. a bit of song and dance to break the routine but i think i'm just too STUPID to do anything or to understand anything *sigh*

well, tomorrow is going to be a better day and its another round of exams coming my way. i had thought that this little tiny move from my other position at the business center to the reservations would be more fun! since i'd be with a few older 'kakis' but boy was i wrong *again* the understanding that i had thought i have secured right in my little pocket became non-existant and worst!!!!! its soooooo DAMN cold down in the basement office. dehem! those workaholics *&(^*&%^$#$#@$#@%$&%(*^*&* but as we say....nie sumer kira lumrah dunia. mana lu keje pong samer so part bencik-bencik nie sumer setakat nak layan..layan DUA MINIT jer. pastue lu gua kita-kita sumer relek one kornarrrrr sua! or roughly translated to "i can't be bothered to partake in your little party of idiotic plain selfish skirmishes and please talk to the hand when your two minutes is up." *hehehe*

but hell yeah!!! i'd be back with a bounce tomorrow and with my little army of ginseng honey, my obat kuat jamu ;P and it'd all be a breeze again. "makjun kuat sa la saaaa~~~! Preeeeet!!!"

stay sane,
amyemeelea

ps: happy birthday Puteri Isabella, moga harapanmu untuk menjadi seorang anak yang solehah dikabulkan...*kishes*

finally here in woodlalaland..and back from my first overtime stint nie..

i dunno wot happened to an updated blog entry of mine but my guess is that its somewhere floating in here. i needed the money so worked my very first overtime stint today and for a total of nine hours. i endured the data entry and filing i had to do. it was really nothing compared to what you must go through :) but today i feel better knowing that my efforts are going to be paid off even if not handsomely it will definately help ease a wee bit of my worries. i know its very late but i drank too much coffee today in hopes to stay alert and awake. alas i wasn't fast enough to pick up the simplest things and ended up learning very little *orsoithinkmyslef* but i am definately going to try even harder at work and at home. i am going to gather all the strength and patience to see my immediate goals come true. i lost my journal!!!! silly me went around showing the guys baby pictures lah! >( so serve me right. i must learn to take things easy so that i won't miss the finer details.

personally, there's so much i miss :( espescially, my bonsai plant that i accidentally left at the last pad!!!
its was a long weekend for many, the last new year but a very long tiring one for me. i am finally here and more or less settled at my bros place. everything worked out fine even if i didn't get to do up my room as how i had envisioned it to be but it'll make do. we finished moving only last monday and bless everyone who helped me with the move :)

i am only left with my books to unpack and when my bro saw what i did to the room a wee bit just now he went, "*sniggers* wow! look at my sister's room...it looks like a small house!". and it does look and feel like a small house in a flat hehe. it made my day and the thought of bunking in with my bro and wifey much more palatable :P *ithinktoomuch* but all in all i think the both of em are just great and big hearted to help me with my decisions to change courses yet again. i have hot showers every morning yeay! no more waking up to boil water yeay yeay yeay!!! and its pretty cosy my room. it has an aircon unit but my bro and wifey keeps asking me about why i don't use the fan instead :P i hate the cold too, i have always thought myself to be cold blooded and now i just sleep with the windows open.

i hope i see this on the blog! if not, i'm not so sure when i'd be able to gather my thoughts this clearly again hehe....

salam eidul adha to everyone *asmentionedonthelastupdatedentry*

stay sane,
amyemeelea

minah/mat feeling-feeling da takde value...

often we do not even know how to even label our feelings but yet when a moment strikes we instinctively know something is telling us something. yet we all *usually* choose to ignore. prefering instead the mass method of sit and wait and think it through.....

many would call it 'being patient'....letting things set and waiting for the right time to act, for someone, something to act on our behalf. situation demands it? society demands it? who set this rule for patience to be mean 'wait n see', holding it in? i think its all subjective *then whatisnotsubjective?* :P

who likes a mat feeling-feeling or a minah feeling-feeling? or how would you rate someone (personally) when he/she has been labelled 'feeling-feeling', too emotional or even often said to think with the heart? i'm sure a majority will vote and go with 'balance'. extremism is not tolerated but yet i feel that many of us still yet have a good grasp of what 'balance' is all about. again, the reason 'subjective'! *gerams* why do we view feelings and emotions negatively and how do we learn to trust our own intuition?

i want to equate feelings with intuition. why? because isn't it intution that tells you not to call that someone because 'something' tells you that your call is going to end up making you even sadder, guiltier *adetakehk?*, angrier, madder but not any lovelier? :D so you end up not making that call even when you want to. even when you think the person might be missing you, or wondering why you didn't call dan macam-macam lagik lar.

so ada value ker tidak nie mat/minah feeling-feeling ehk?

all is well though. maybe it is this lovely rainy weather that is making me sappy :P more senti-mentel or just plain feeling giler ah! so nice to be cuddling up and breathing in steamy meamy hot air rising hehe...another rest day *itsapublicholidaythistuesday!!!* and i will have to work on my study plan and my essays VERY soon *likenow* i have more or less unpacked and settled in my new home in a home. work is good as i have managed to clear much of the filing and already have a good feel of my responsibilities. the void in my heart is filled with peace knowing that i can never be someone i am not and that L.O.V.E is everywhere all around me. may He grant me health and the strength to never look back. be as closer as ever.....

selamat 'berkorban' sumer :) may you have a blessed eidul adha knowing that all is well and that your sacrifices will not go unredeemed.

stay sane,
amyemeelea

3rd day and counting..

i just finished a bowl of maggisedap noodles *comfortfoodburp* :) and lunch today at work was soOOooo good hehe. we had nasi lemak, fried chicky wings, fried fishcake, omelette, sambal power, spinach soup and the usual fried anchovies, peanuts and last but not least fresh cucumber slices!!! the canteen was unusually pack today and i suspect its because the food is really not bad-bad as usual.

i won't put my hopes too high on liking this job as i wouldn't want to get dissapointed again *referringtoallmylastjobs* as the hotel industry is famous for its 'in-house politics'. can you imagine the director of sales who interviewed me actually asked what i thought of office politics?! and how i would handle such skrimishes. of course i blah-blahed sales-talked my way through hehe but now after just 3 days i remember how so-so very bad the backstabbing, the super bitching and *insertexpletiveshere* can be. the last 3 days also reminded me no matter how much time has flown since i was back to the hotel and now that i am not 17 anymore :P all that DOES not change how my former colleagues remember me. they must be asking why the hell did i choose to come back after all these years and thinking that i am still who i am before *ahem17ahem* doo bi doo bi doo......

but who, what and why would things, people and places WON'T change? i shudder and shiver at the thought of misinterpertations of who, what and why am i now and how i'm going to handle all the raised eyebrows and tempers. still...its a very small teeny weeny problemo, very much depending on HOW i need to just keep on smiling and WHEN to reflect on every bad and good comments *blueeek*

just today i almost threw a fit and went nuts when all of the above started to fly whizz past me and as i took a long drag on my free ciggs, in the last available smoking zone within the hotel, i reminded myself again as to WHY i chose to go back in the first place. i have no time to think of the major cons *thepast* and need to only focus on the future. i hate it when i am put in a spot and automatically second guess myself. but without the occasional 'yer ker aku macam gitu ker' or 'am i really like that' kinda questions, then self realisations will have no opporturnities to surface. hence....no time to think. did all the thinking and now to concentrate on the doing and pushing for consistency!

as they say practice makes perfect and i don't look like a haggard nyonya lah!!!!! >( i have to put bun up my hair you see and i wear tinted wire frame ala chegu bedah glasses *whichitookoffaftermuchbitchingfromthemanagers*, apparently i can't wear my type of glasses at front office. i already told them to give me a bit of time and i'll get new glasses but for now i can't see very well but of course the bitching HAD to go on. die siak...everything oso have to buy new!! and get this! the juniors are not allowed to wear any earrings, not even small studs as its a 'priviledge' given only to managers and above *prrrft* aper jer!!!!!! *fumes* add plak we MUST wear only skin colored stockings *minewasgreyishhoneyish* and i had to change to a pair that made my legs look fake and wooden :S it also sucks that i lost too much weight and bear very very close resemblance to olive oyl *gundekpopeyetue* and everyone can't stop themselves from telling me to put on weight thinking that i'm sick... gua biasa ah, step denial. "iiiiiJIIT?!!! too skinny meh? i tot i look very sexy leyy." *openeyesbigBIG* since when was it a crime to lose weight ah?

well, whatever it is! priorities are priorities and no one can bear the heavy burden of responsibilty for another. if you want to you can of course but i do hope i'd never have to pause to think of the consequences when i ever ter-want to carry anything for anyone :P i will try to perfect the 'art' of giving and receiving nasihat or advise *foaaaar* and FOCUS on my new year resolutions *saaaaap*

i promise to do my best,

to do my duty to god,

to serve my country and

help other people and

to keep to ALL my promises,

for the good, the bad and et all.

okay dah...if you find the above familiar its because its a revised my-version of the Girl Guide's promise dah :D

stay sane,
amyemeelea

lagu wak mentel..

hehe..i never cease to be amazed everytime i blog read ;) and boy oh boy!!! it made my day it did :D

"Maniac" by Michael Sembello

Just a small town girl on a Saturday night
lookin' for the fight of her life
In the real-time world no one sees her at all
They all say she's crazy

Locking rhythms to the beat of her heart
Changing woman into life
She has danced into the danger zone
When a dancer becomes a dance

It can cut you like a knife
If the gift becomes the fire
On a wire between will and what will be

She's a maniac, maniac on the floor
And she's dancing like she's never danced before
She's a maniac, maniac on the floor
And she's dancing like she's never danced before

On the ice-build iron sanity is a place most never see
It's a hard warm place of mystery
Touch it, but can't hold it

You work all your life for that moment in time
It could come or pass you by
It's a push of the world, but there's always a chance
If the hunger stays the night

There's a cold connective heat,
Struggling, stretching for defeat
Never stopping with her head against the wind

She's a maniac, maniac, I sure know
And she's dancing like she's never danced before
She's a maniac, maniac, I sure know
And she's dancing like she's never danced before

(Solo)

It can cut you like a knife
If the gift becomes the fire
On a wire between will and what will be
She's a maniac, maniac, I sure know
And she's dancing like she's never danced before

(repeats out)

its my first day at work tomorrow yeah!! and as usual i'm already hyperventilating. one of the major reasons i took up this job even when the pay sucks and! this is gonna be my third stint back to the hotel industry is because i'll finally be able to do something that is not gonna take up too much headspace :) being already an old-hand at front desk duties and all. major points also is cos its just beside al falah mosque and 2 bus stops away from night school!!! fave lepak corner is opposite at takashimaya and the library @ orchard there too! *phew* i can't wait for the new year to start...errrm....must make mental note to check islamic calender as well but yes...still sane and happy all the same.

till then,
amyemeelea

dancing in my head..

jihn once told me that my blog smells of something that reeks in the institute of mental heath :P another saiko's blog *bluuekkk* but it takes one to know one!

the first signs that you are a mental head is when you start to talk to yourself and sure enough, sometimes it does feel like you are writting/speaking to yourself but what makes a blog different is because a HUGE part of you knows that someone or somebody will chance upon your musings and rants to make or not make sense of it and hence you feel at peace and no longer crazy. aren't we all so full of ourselves then? :) we all laughed in class when the lecturer gave us an example of everybody talking to ourselves now (via wireless headphones) and how many times have i caught myself talking to myself *withoutheadphones* and i had to laugh.

a silly little laugh.....

thank god *mumblesalittleprayerofthanks* finally things kinda of settled. i WILL start on the new job on the 27th Dec and soon thereafter will start moving to my bros place. everything that has happened and will happen are for reasons that i will have no absolute idea what there are for, but loads of self realisations there. it all leads to how happy am i or will i be when circumstances change. be it because of external or internal factors. the only theme that stays constant will be the changes that i will encounter for *hopefully* a long time to come. another year will come to close and i will be another year older *accks!!* and who knows if this new job will be a consolation from the last job i left. time will tell and for whatever that comes to past from tomorrow onwards i will learn to be thankful always and keep sane.

that means awhole lotta juggling! and a huge big basket of hope to carry and the determination to follow through decisions made with my heart, my head, my soul *me!* i feel sad though because there will be some things that i will have to lose through these changes. inevitably because this was how i was lead to believe and since now i know better, no more crying over spilt milk! cos there no split milk to cry over wot ;P

"all feelings are good, because thier purpose is to provide us with information, direction and motivation that will help us create a satisfying life" excerpt from book :) so go ahead, feel bored, angry, guilty, sad, lonely, inadequant, stressed, and scared! fulfill each and every need with meaningful purposes and soon you'll see alls well ends well *tonguetwisted!* don't be afraid to question cos thats the only thing that seperate the boys from men and the gals from the ladies ;) but be afraid who and how you question cos you never know how and whats the answer you gonna get. kalau kena lempang then salah orang ler lu tanya kan? dan kalau dapat jawapan bodoh maknanya orang tue ler yang tak tahu jawapan untok soalan lu bukan? *doesalittledance* :D

be prepared, stay sane!

amyemeelea

all i see is little squares...

eeek!!! mater gua da nak betol nyer potek gaknyer ah!!! *rubrub*

i'm at my bros place in tamps (short form for tampines hehe) and it looks like i'd be blogging from here more often in the future. the 3 terrors are missing and classified 'unofficially' kidnapped from me this weekend :( and i miss them terribly. i did get to speak to all the terrors yesterday before they went missing in action and its very hard not to get all emotional and crack over the phone when all i want to do is touch and hold them and not let go! >( *marahjugaknie*

i have been reading non stop and i keep falling asleep while practising theraphy techniques :P oh well oh well...all in the name of school hehe. bits of more good news! i'm moving again next year to my bro's place in woodlands cos i'm so tired of moving from one place to another and this time i'm not going to move again until its really my own place or someting more permanent so please pray for my brother and his wife :D thank you both of you for welcoming me and giving me the due support ;)

the other piece of good news is that i just got my licence to do relief teaching and will be teaching next year woooooooHOOOOOOO!!! *lompatsukaria* and for those who are skeptical about ME teaching *glaresatimran* just watch me ;)

*rushofeuphoria* welkum to the muda mudi club che poww! and wish you all the best in your germang course. yes yes.. i can totally see the two of us feeling-feeling student over coffee! but warning ah...i'm not sure how teaching and being a student stimultaneously will affect me next year ;D already i'm so stretched but a promise is a promise, designated sunday already pre-booked. so keep me in the loop.

stay sane,
amyemeelea

everything and then nothing...

it is so hard to make sense of a whole lot of things for me but i try my very best to accomodate, give in and adapt. usually not done willingly and that is very much still a problem for me. it is true when you repress you get depressed and same rings true for saper makan cili dia terasa pedas (literally translated as, u eat cili u feel hot and spicy hehe).

class has been great and i know i flunked my first two essays last semester. didn't make head or tails in class and as usual i tried it my way and used 'feel' to make my way around and then tried to crash a whole lot into 1500 words. i learnt my lesson/s and thank god for second, third and quadruples many many chances the school is willing to give me *atmycostofcourse*...and i will beat this curve ball and many other life threatening curve balls that is gonna be thrown my way. the only way to beat depression in situations of such nature is to never give up but i don't know how many times i have fallen into the 'habit' of feeling defeated and altogether decide to give up. choose the easy way out or the cowards way out as many would like to say. but that is just one perspective and i have heart and believe that not all of us view situations in just one teeny tiny narrow way. a little hope goes a long way and if you don't believe me try injecting it into someone's deemed hopeless case and in return i can bet you might just end up to be his or her bestest friend in the whole wide world. who doesn't like to be understood? who doesn't want to be understood but alas it seems to me that nobody has the time to want to understand or put in the effort to be understood. i still can't figure a better solution other than to communicate and spend more more more time for effective communication.

only this is hard if neither of you speak the same language or share the same goal of wanting to communicate. so i wish for my books to talk to me in a way i can understand! i damn wish for all these authors to just say the same thing :P but now i know how much 'originality in understanding' is worth so here goes me diving with much more enthusiasm into my lists of books and journals and articles to read and jamming all of my understanding into 1500 -understood with citations APA format and of course edited- words with hopes that my 'originality' will do me and all those around me some good if not best.

last but not least..thank you ayong for putting me up as a link and yes *ahem* i do like oysters!!! ;P *droolslurp* and i dig che omniverse. espescially that piece on "how good on jugdements and decisions do we make". with all these tests and conclusions pointing towards progress and deeper understanding into the human psyche, we still firmly believe and go repeat the same mistakes over and over again. i understand the frustration on either fence. the eternal question of to be or NOT to be, as haven't we all been accused of being -insert any negative label here- ever so often. the key is not to lose your marbles and trust in yourself ;)

oh! and i just need to add to this, just think about this...Muhammad Asad author of Islam at Crossroads (pg 92) distinguishes reason and rationalism by saying that, "unlike reason, rationalism does not content itself with registration and control, but jumps into the field of speculation; it is not receptive and detached like pure reason, but extremely subjective and temperamental." i find solace in that and i very often choose to reason than rationalise even at the risk of being labelled as many other than just being reasonable.

otey, so its un-reasonable of me to ask for my books to talk the way i can understand better or just change anything for my own selfish reasons ;P doesn't make sense or not logical right? i'm very sure i'm not the only person who wished to be more understood *yesevenbybooks* but just how did the blind get to read???? just shows but a little amount of effort and a whole lot of love to change the world. a little proding and show of directions is all i ask to understand what makes the world go round. talk to me about the distinct difference and help me apply either to a situation is all it takes to cajol this mule headed me to give it a try. stand by me and not to leave me in the ditches and leave me to die. oh well, let's go beg *buatmukakesian* for others to help me then. i shan't bother those who shan't be bothered and i could't bring myself to bother if you already told me you hate to be bothered, at least i know of One whose always open to being bothered and that's enough for me.

*amygoesinsearchofsomeonewhocouldandwouldmakeherunderstand*

stay sane peeps,
amyemeelea

if you're intrested...

one of my elder bro is a certified hypnotheraphist and he's planning to conduct an introductory class (full day) over one of the coming weekends. its free and i'm going to attend :D so whoever is 'game', up and ready to go please drop me an email cause ;) its gonna be a small class so let me know asap!

stay sane,
amyemeelea